Like a baby bird stimulating the mother to regurgitate a tasty meal, a co-worker will ask the climber to tell a story of their exciting weekend exploits.

I think it's very tongue in cheek.

I am sorry, I did not mean you!...

geesh...learn to take a joke

D'oh! You've just given away this sites ultimate clandestine sorting tool:

-If someone can't tell it's a joke, they just might be a n00b!

Never disclose trade secrets without prior approval from a moderator. Ask 'em about it and you will see...

you should definitely have a special exemption for attractive girls and hot chick noobs...always take them climbing

Maybe we shouldn’t kill them directly, but we’ve got to do something about the influx of n00bs that increases exponentially every day.

I know we’ve all done this at least once... There’s a nice guy at work who says that he wants to come climbing some time. So you take him outside, show him the ropes, and have a good time. But what have you really done? You’ve created another n00b, that’s what.

Maybe you’ve seriously responded to an rc.com thread with a question like, “How do I make a toprope anchor?” You offered friendly, helpful advice and went on feeling good about yourself. Meanwhile, all you’ve done is support a n00b and encouraged him to climb more.

Have you noticed how the crags get more crowded each year? Are you tired of the throngs dominating popular routes with topropes all day?

Have you noticed how much more frequently you top out, only to see a n00b on a route near you scrambling to hook up a funky, sketchy anchor that would have been a straightforward setup for anyone with even a modicum of experience?

Do you live in fear of having to partake in yet another rescue because some clueless leader and his incompetent belayer come tumbling down and ruin your day?

There’s a solution, people. Listen up.

1. Stop taking new people climbing. Maybe you do it to be nice, find new partners, or perhaps you just feel better about yourself if you climb with less-experienced people. I don’t care what the reason is. Knock it off! There are enough climbers here now, and plenty of partners to go around. Pull from the existing pool.

2. Ask rc.com to ban the Beginner’s Forum altogether. If that is not acceptable, the administrators should at least establish an auto-delete function for all thread titles that start with “How do I…” and “What shoes…” and other frequently used n00b titles.

3. Stop encouraging n00bs online. These online forums seem to be the primary way that gym n00bs develop the “experience” to venture outdoors. I know it’s our nature to be helpful, but this has to stop. Respond to all n00b questions with “STFU n00b!” That’s it. Say no more.

4. Carry the attitude of discouragement wherever you go. If you see some n00b giving a bad belay or struggling up a route with poor technique, refrain from giving helpful advice. Let them struggle or drop their n00b partner. Cull the n00bs. That’s what this is all about. Just be sure to move away from them so you don’t have to waste your day involved in a n00b rescue or recovery.

5. Boycott climbing gyms. This is a big sacrifice, I know. Especially if you live in an area without year-round outdoor climbing. But you know as well as I do that climbing gyms are the biggest producers of n00bs nowadays.

6. If you must use a climbing gym, refer to #4. In fact, feel free to be a dick to the n00bs you meet there. Make them feel unwelcome, perhaps even threatened. This attitude (called “localism” among surfers) is effective at keeping gumbies off the good surf breaks. We need to carry this attitude into climbing as well.

Some may wonder how you identify a n00b. If you have to ask this question, you likely are one of them. So STFU and find a new way to spend your free time!

These are just a few suggestions off the top of my head. I’d love to hear other suggestions and ideas. The important thing is that we work together to address this problem. We must cull the n00bs. The quality of our climbing future is at stake.

All of this is easily circumvented. Never, EVER tell a coworker you are a climber. This is a fundamental rule in Slacker's School.

1. Stop taking new people climbing. Maybe you do it to be nice, find new partners, or perhaps you just feel better about yourself if you climb with less-experienced people. I don’t care what the reason is. Knock it off! There are enough climbers here now, and plenty of partners to go around. Pull from the existing pool.

I suspect that almost everyone who is not either a certified guide, or otherwise a professional climbing is a n00b to some degree... even if you've lived in the valley for 5 years.

maybe there should be a n00b categorization scheme...

like:

1. obnoxious/annoying n00b (should be culled)
2. perpetual n00b because you don't have time to become a better climber ?
3. n00bette
4. ???

something like that so we're not lumping all of us n00bs in together, not all of us are soooo bad

But n00bettes ARE obnoxious/annoying. They (with their power-spotting sigma delta moron boyfriends) get in my way projecting my warm-ups. They also cry more than I do ("it's sooo haaaaaard, the holds are sooo baaaaad, it's waaaay up theeeeeeeeeere"),

Good work Leech, laid it all out for us in black and white. I’m proud to say, I have yet to actually be of any help what so ever on this site, so I know I’m doing my part.

Furthermore, I have already begun developing some anti-n00b devices.

My first is sort of like a screamer, it’s a tube with a ten-foot extension that is controlled via radio frequency. I figure the point here is not to kill the n00bs, they can do that on their own, but just to put some fright in them. Deployment of the extension during random times while they’re top roping should scare the majority of them back to their baseball fields and wave pools. Now all we need to do is come up with some fancy name for it and convince all n00bs that they always need to put one in between their power point and locker. Of course, doing that without explaining what a power point is (see #4: carry the attitude of discouragement wherever you go) could be troublesome. Ok, so I have some kinks to iron out.

As for the gyms, well, that one is simple: beans. And the high levels of protein that you get is just icing on the cake.

I like n00bs....when battered properly and fried......nothing wrong with them at all.

No, you don't understand, I NEED this man, so DON"T BLOW IT FOR ME. ... Please. I NEED THIS MAN.

I'm pretty sure that what you need is a comma. But perhaps you're right, and what you need is a man. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

GO

...and if you have one of those corporate 'inspirational' climbing posters I'm gonna rip that abomination off the wall and burn it on your desk