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rockie


Feb 19, 2009, 12:29 AM
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Re: [adatesman] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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adatesman wrote:
wonderwoman wrote:
rockie wrote:
Quite bizarre, and angers me too as that does not resolve matters just acting as if things never happened.

I believe that sometimes you have to resolve that some relationships in your life will never be resolved.

Not only that, but also that some relationships are unhealthy, destructive or otherwise a bad idea. Ending the viscous circle abuse is difficult, but can be done. I think the last words I said to my dad were in reference to what I'd do if he ever laid hands on my mom again (read: not at all pleasant) and I'm ok with that. In fact, everyone is probably better off if there's no contact between me and my dad since no one else in the family is willing to call him out on his behavior so I make a point of it.

Unfortunately my younger brother seems headed down that track (read: inconsiderate, judgmental asshole, not physically abusive), so time will tell if he turns it around and tries to repair our relationship.

Sigh.

Do threads in the LR always take serious turns like this? I'm seeing a whole 'nother side of people here, and frankly its a welcome change from the usual RC prattle.

-a.

I hear you regarding your brother, and I hope for your sake it turns around.

And good for you standing up to your Dad's negative behaviour. Some people don't have the guts or feel because it is their Father they have to put up with it or something like that, but I disagree, no one should have to put up with any abuse in any relationship.

And I hear you regarding RC com and this being a welcome change, no kidding, I like the interactions here more, not the 'ego' attitude on some of the other threads.

Good to have you here too, sure stick around Smile


(This post was edited by rockie on Feb 24, 2009, 8:54 PM)


Gmburns2000


Feb 19, 2009, 7:17 AM
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Re: [adatesman] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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adatesman wrote:

Do threads in the LR always take serious turns like this? I'm seeing a whole 'nother side of people here, and frankly its a welcome change from the usual RC prattle.

-a.

Yup, part of the reason I'm here so much. I actually enjoy the intellectual conversation.


acacongua


Feb 19, 2009, 9:27 AM
Post #53 of 63 (1139 views)
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Re: [lena_chita] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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lena_chita wrote:
Somewhat off-topic, but I had a completely random I don't know, I guess she has a point. How often someone "falls in love", and all their firends and family members shake their heads and say:"This guy is all wrong for her"-- and eventually it turns out that yeah, they were right? Usually wit ha lot of emotional angst involved.

I strongly urge you all to go get a copy of How to be an Adult in Relationships by Richo. Eloquently and strategically written for us to understand what "Love" means.

On the topic of having children, wouldn't it be great if humans (and dogs/cats too) behaved as eagles do? Before they procreate, they scout their territory to make certain they have enough food to provide their offspring. If the territory is lacking, then they don't pro-create. It's just a fact. We unfortunately, are cursed with emotion and an overwhelming itch below the belt.


Gmburns2000


Feb 19, 2009, 9:45 AM
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Re: [acacongua] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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acacongua wrote:
[
On the topic of having children, wouldn't it be great if humans (and dogs/cats too) behaved as eagles do? Before they procreate, they scout their territory to make certain they have enough food to provide their offspring. If the territory is lacking, then they don't pro-create. It's just a fact. We unfortunately, are cursed with emotion and an overwhelming itch below the belt.

I looked. The cupboard is full, so now I'm off to make little greggies. Cool


wonderwoman


Feb 19, 2009, 12:33 PM
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Re: [Gmburns2000] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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Is this:
Gmburns2000 wrote:
Yup, part of the reason I'm here so much. I actually enjoy the intellectual conversation.

Really consistent with this:

Gmburns2000 wrote:
I looked. The cupboard is full, so now I'm off to make little greggies. Cool

Crazy

Please don't kill a good thread!


Gmburns2000


Feb 19, 2009, 12:43 PM
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Re: [wonderwoman] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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wonderwoman wrote:
Is this:
Gmburns2000 wrote:
Yup, part of the reason I'm here so much. I actually enjoy the intellectual conversation.

Really consistent with this:

Gmburns2000 wrote:
I looked. The cupboard is full, so now I'm off to make little greggies. Cool

Crazy

Please don't kill a good thread!
Oh come on, it doesn't have to be all serious does it?


adatesman


Feb 19, 2009, 1:01 PM
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Gmburns2000


Feb 19, 2009, 1:49 PM
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Re: [adatesman] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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adatesman wrote:

Greg- I'm surprised you didn't go for the low hanging fruit:
In reply to:
We unfortunately, are cursed with emotion and an overwhelming itch below the belt.

Lots of directions to take that and you have no idea how hard it is for me to not do so. But I'm new in town and need to keep up appearances.... Angelic

Rumor has it the downtime this past week was the mods installing kryptonite to slow me down. This is clear proof that it is working.





But in order to "not kill the thread" - positive experiences don't always lead to kids growing into good adults, and negative experiences don't always lead to kids growing up to being bad adults.

My experience with my mother and stepfather (by far and away mostly him) was very negative, and I think I turned out OK. My sisters haven't done what I've done, but they turned out OK, too. We survived, learned from what we saw, and made our own lives.

I've seen kids who had the most loving parents really struggle when they hit the real world. I've known a lot of folks who had alcoholic parents - many of those parents were also abusive - go on to lead very solid and productive lives, with no abuse.

No one should have to put up with shit like that, but in reality, not all kids who grow up under abusers become abusers themselves.

Should parents stay together for the kids? No, they shouldn't. But to assume that the kids only learn what they see and aren't able to make thier own decisions is terribly misguided. A child possesses the ability to form opinions, regardless of how innocent we think they are.


rockie


Feb 19, 2009, 2:23 PM
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Re: [Gmburns2000] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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Gmburns2000 wrote:
adatesman wrote:

Greg- I'm surprised you didn't go for the low hanging fruit:
In reply to:
We unfortunately, are cursed with emotion and an overwhelming itch below the belt.

Lots of directions to take that and you have no idea how hard it is for me to not do so. But I'm new in town and need to keep up appearances.... Angelic

Rumor has it the downtime this past week was the mods installing kryptonite to slow me down. This is clear proof that it is working.





But in order to "not kill the thread" - positive experiences don't always lead to kids growing into good adults, and negative experiences don't always lead to kids growing up to being bad adults.

My experience with my mother and stepfather (by far and away mostly him) was very negative, and I think I turned out OK. My sisters haven't done what I've done, but they turned out OK, too. We survived, learned from what we saw, and made our own lives.

I've seen kids who had the most loving parents really struggle when they hit the real world. I've known a lot of folks who had alcoholic parents - many of those parents were also abusive - go on to lead very solid and productive lives, with no abuse.

No one should have to put up with shit like that, but in reality, not all kids who grow up under abusers become abusers themselves.

Should parents stay together for the kids? No, they shouldn't. But to assume that the kids only learn what they see and aren't able to make thier own decisions is terribly misguided. A child possesses the ability to form opinions, regardless of how innocent we think they are.

That was so well put, and have to say it, but I totally agree with all that.
I too came out okay, I refused to let them 'affect' me basically, and I refuse to copy their negative traits. Helps if you 'know better' obviously. And seeing a better role model (as I have with other families) is a good and better example to follow, as is education, I woke up to alot via my nurse training too. E.g. you do not need to smack a child to discipline them. There are other better ways.


(This post was edited by rockie on Feb 19, 2009, 2:24 PM)


petsfed


Feb 20, 2009, 4:53 PM
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Re: [clausti] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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clausti wrote:
puerto wrote:
They may think or just naively hope that a partner who's kind of hard to get along with may actually become nicer once all the baby-nurturing hormones kick in.

well that is stupid.

In reply to:
They may just say "screw it, I want a baby now, hope for the best and expect the worst.."


and that is horrifically selfish. "i want a baby, and i don't care what my partner wants or how the baby will grow up." i am completely baffled and staggered by people who seem to think this way. what. the fuck.

In reply to:
Once you are a parent though, even if things go wrong with your partner, there's no way you're really gonna look at your child and think to yourself "wow, weren't you a mistake."

never going to TELL anyone that you think that, anyway. i refuse to believe that there is not a single dna-donor to a single child in the world who doesn't think that the kid was a mistake.

Unfortunately, I've met my fair share of emotionally unstable people who desperately wanted children. I've also seen a few in the news (including one who took it to a ridiculous 14-sided extreme). Hell, I even dated a girl who actually said "if we have a baby we'll be all right". Nothing kills a boner faster. NOTHING.

What it comes down to is a strong desire for validation via the physical expression of affection. If your self worth is directly related to how much people express happiness at your presence, you need help.

To the topic at hand: my sister divorced her husband last year, and my niece was left to pick up the pieces. While it left my niece pretty upset, I understood what my sister was doing when she decided to get a divorce. Staying in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship damages you and it damages everything you do.


rockie


Feb 21, 2009, 1:25 PM
Post #61 of 63 (1010 views)
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Re: [petsfed] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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Agree with you petsfed.

You can't change someone anyway.

Having mine as I am not getting younger, it is not as I wanted it, as I preferred to be married first, however, I guess I see it as fate now, I always wanted one max, and now I am having, not planned this way I admit.

In any case if I get married I am only going to be older and by then too old to have a child anyway so now or never is also how I see it, and may well be the last chance, so!
I want to know who their Dad is for the childs sake etc. But not so sure my ex would change for the better so why would I want him back in that case?

Oh I too had the, "he will probably change his attitude when he sees his child for the first time" ???
But why would he?

I have also had the "You should give him another chance" attitude too.

On a more positive note, I just received an email from my Mum to congratulate me, and asking how I am and if I needed anything? etc. A nice surprise I have to say. But in all honesty I can honestly say out of my family it would be my Mum if anyone who would get in touch.. as I say, she does have a 'sweet side', and she does care I know.
Also, on reflection I really noticed when they visited me here a year ago, how better everything was with them etc compared to when I'd visit them back in the UK, they stayed at hotel too not at mine, so maybe their coming here is a better idea in that case, and besides I only want to stay here anyway Smile


(This post was edited by rockie on Feb 24, 2009, 9:36 PM)


squierbypetzl
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Feb 24, 2009, 11:06 PM
Post #62 of 63 (933 views)
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Re: [rockie] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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Glad to hear things are looking up, and I sincerely hope they stay that way (if not improve). Smile


rockie


Feb 25, 2009, 8:27 PM
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Re: [squierbypetzl] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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squierbypetzl wrote:
Glad to hear things are looking up, and I sincerely hope they stay that way (if not improve). Smile

Yes well I hope so too, only it's gone back to silent mode again for the foreseeable future, I just can't understand why they'd want to believe a made up nasty lie someone said of me some years ago (my sister in law as it happens as I found out today), rather than believe what I said at the time and again today - that it was not true and just that.. a lie.

No point being near any of that until they realize they should not automatically assume and believe what someone has made up, but instead should really know better. May seem petty but when it was a pretty nasty lie about my family and caused one of the problems in our family, it is hardly petty..
I simply made it perfectly clear that I am not putting up with that nonsense anymore.

I let my Mum know she and my Dad can visit here after child is born if they want to, as I remember when they visited me before how much much better it was compared to when I go back their end.
However, my brother and sis in law are not welcome, I am keeping the trouble away basically, and my parents were not the cause of that, but they were wrong to listen and believe it, and then side with them as a result of that, as I pointed out. So we shall see..


(This post was edited by rockie on Feb 25, 2009, 10:13 PM)

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