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The Official RC.com Troll Owners Guide
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edge


Mar 11, 2005, 6:14 AM
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The Official RC.com Troll Owners Guide
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Version 1, Issue 1, Copyright 2005

Identifying Your Troll

Trolls can be very insidious creatures. You may actually be surrounded by them at any given point, and not even recognize it. Walk softly and carry a #5 Camalot on a two foot sling, just in case. Keep your eyes constantly moving over the computer monitor, and keep a look out for anyone spewing unwanted and non-sensical beta. This may take a post or two to confirm, but don't worry; sooner or later one of the ugly little buggers will stick his head out of his hole and you will need to be ready to pounce!

Capturing Your First Troll

Once spotted, trolls become very sloppy in their habits. They will return to the post where you first spied them to admire themselves in the troll mirror of responses. Poor little troll! He doesn't even know that he is being watched at this point!

Care and Feeding of Your Troll

Trolls can be a rather expensive hobby. They can require alot of lost work time to maintain. Don't worry, the joy you get from them more than outweighs the lost wages.

First, give the little fellow a poke with a sharp stick. Most trolls will recoil initially out of reflex action, but then bounce back showing their full teeth. This is how us industry insiders confirm a live sighting!

Once confirmed, you need to bait your troll with inane questions that he is able to interpret at his diminished capacity. "What shoes do you recommend for the gym?" " How do you mark the middle of a rope?" "Why is the sky blue?" This sort of thing.

Your very own troll will begin visibly salivating at this point. Try to be ready with Kleenex, mops, and spittle buckets. Remember, you are in this for the long haul!

When the troll responds to the perceived mating call of the ignoramus, you must post back immediately with the final blow. "It's 'they're', not 'there'", or perhaps, "No one uses a figure 8 anymore, it twists the rope!". Watch carefully as he staggers backwards.

As he retreats back to his happy place, nail him with a rating. T1 is ok for a little fellow, but if youve got a whopper then call out T5! Quite often this makes their chest puff out with pride; enter the aforementioned #5 camalot on a sling. Swing it quickly at his head and don't miss. Inertia is a bitch and many a first time troll hunter has knocked themselves out cold at this point. Be careful out there!

My Very Own Troll4lyfe!!!!11

Once you have the little fellow rendered unconcious, then, and only then, you may slip a noose around his neck. Be careful not to pinch off his windpipe, as his voice is his biggest asset.

Find a large, well padded cage to keep your troll in. It will take several weeks before he begins to show signs of domestication, and you may very well witness arm-chewing-offness, denial ("I am not a river in Egypt"), or even, on rare occasions, self pity. This is quite normal and should be expected.

Finally, after the battle of capture and several months of indenturementedness, your troll will begin to show signs of friendliness. Treat him in kind by throwing an occasional bone, something like, "I know Sportiva stopped making the Katanas, WTF?" This will pleasure him immensely, and make you a proud and well accomplished troll owner.

Epilogue

Catching a troll is not something to be taken lightly. You literally have the little guy's lyfe in your hands. Once caught, they are very hard to re-introduce back into the wild. Quite often, once released, they will run around like a headless chicken until they find themselves up to their scapular region in the tar pits. At this point you can try to throw them a rope, but quite often they will deny your help. The final vision of many a troll is that of a raised hand, giving a one finger salute, sinking into the inky blackness.

"Good by little troll; I will miss you!!!!!"


Partner taualum23


Mar 11, 2005, 6:21 AM
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Re: The Official RC.com Troll Owners Guide [In reply to]
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Bravo! Bravo! [Insert standing ovation emoticon]

Edge - Thanks. My morning needed that.


blowboarder


Mar 11, 2005, 6:37 AM
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Re: The Official RC.com Troll Owners Guide [In reply to]
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I don't imagine that Mr. Lightshisasshairs was any small inspiration for that excellent, well written tome.


edge


Mar 11, 2005, 6:40 AM
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In reply to:
I don't imagine that Mr. Lightshisasshairs was any small inspiration for that excellent, well written tome.

Not at all. I was speaking from years of experience.

T1 to you, my well-intentioned fellow. I am removing the hook and throwing you back.


climbs4fun
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Mar 11, 2005, 6:53 AM
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Re: The Official RC.com Troll Owners Guide [In reply to]
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Excellent!!!!!!!! :lol:


crimpergirl


Mar 11, 2005, 7:20 AM
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Great Hunter Edge:

Excellent beta - thanks. I've had one small problem not addressed above. (Granted this may have to do with my noobness in terms of troll hunting - it too is a skill requiring much practice). What to do with the stubborn troll who refuses to respond in forum or via PM? Poking with a sharp stick hasn't helped. Do you think I've got the rope too tight? (it doesn't appear this way). Any other suggestions from troll-hunting professional.

Respectfully,

Crimpergirl


Partner jammer


Mar 11, 2005, 7:27 AM
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This has to be placed in the FAQ or beginners section and made sticky! I wish we could vote in community!!

I give you 5 stars! *****


edge


Mar 11, 2005, 7:32 AM
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In reply to:
Great Hunter Edge:

Excellent beta - thanks. I've had one small problem not addressed above. (Granted this may have to do with my noobness in terms of troll hunting - it too is a skill requiring much practice). What to do with the stubborn troll who refuses to respond in forum or via PM?
Crimpergirl

I fear that you have poked too much. For most of us men, particularly me (at this very moment), poking is a good thing. A very good thing!!! I give you a personal "thumbs up."

Anywhooo, excessive poking can only lead to a full-on troll retreat, if it is not well administered. Back off and wait a bit to see if the troll-in-question comes out to see his shadow.

If not, several baiting tactics may work:

"Do I need a back-up knot, really?"

"What is a figure nine? I can do one with my legs and torso, does that make me a good climber?"

"Miller lite is a beer? Gimme a break!!!!!1"

Again, common sensical, but worth cut and pasting.


crimpergirl


Mar 11, 2005, 7:38 AM
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I'm relieved. For a moment I thought that poking too much was bad. It is my personal favorite technique... (must change subject immediately).

Keeping-my-thumbs-up,

Crimpergirl


edge


Mar 11, 2005, 7:47 AM
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In reply to:
Keeping-my-thumbs-up,

Crimpergirl

This is exactly what I hate about you.

Yes, you know what I meaneth!


crimpergirl


Mar 11, 2005, 7:51 AM
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:wink:


madriver


Mar 11, 2005, 7:59 AM
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...of course always remeber to say good bye to the troll hunters...
http://www.rockclimbing.com/...p.cgi?Detailed=20300

...heh...


shorty


Mar 11, 2005, 8:01 AM
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Bravo, edge. Bravo.


pinktricam


Mar 11, 2005, 8:04 AM
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Umm...like, what's a 'troll'?


crimpergirl


Mar 11, 2005, 8:05 AM
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Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Jab Poke Jab Poke


Partner jammer


Mar 11, 2005, 8:39 AM
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you're gonna spook 'em!


crimpergirl


Mar 11, 2005, 8:42 AM
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Doh! I've so little self control....


Partner wideguy


Mar 11, 2005, 8:44 AM
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http://images.usatoday.com/...8/guiness-inside.jpg

BRILLIANT!!!!


Partner jammer


Mar 11, 2005, 8:58 AM
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In reply to:
Doh! I've so little self control....

So easy to loose control when having sooo much fun!


crimpergirl


Mar 11, 2005, 8:59 AM
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If you don't lose control, it isn't as fun now is it?


Partner jammer


Mar 11, 2005, 8:59 AM
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Does the poking stick have a point on the end? If so how sharp?? Do you recommend a certain length? Where can I buy one??


Partner jammer


Mar 11, 2005, 9:00 AM
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In reply to:
If you don't lose control, it isn't as fun now is it?
:D :D :D :D :D :wink:


madriver


Mar 11, 2005, 9:20 AM
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...what happens when the troll hunter becomes the trolled...errr..does the hunted troll become the hunter...or does the hunter become the.....errr....


edge


Mar 11, 2005, 12:34 PM
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In reply to:
...what happens when the troll hunter becomes the trolled...errr..does the hunted troll become the hunter...or does the hunter become the.....errr....

STFU n00b!!!!11

(this is a very primative, basic response, but still valid none-the-less)


Partner philbox
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Mar 11, 2005, 12:46 PM
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The Official RC.com Troll Owners Guide has been added to the official FAQ for community. It now resides as the first in the linked threads right up there on top of all the other excellent threads. It sits there gloating in all of its glory. It seems to be quite smug about its position, nasty little troll thread. Imagine that a thread actually having the temerity to barge into first place. I`ll hafta get my sharp stick and poke it a few times.

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