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j_ung
May 10, 2005, 3:25 PM
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I was sound asleep in my usual position on the couch -- slumped to the side with a full ashtray in my lap and an empty gin bottle in my hand -- when the call came in. I fumbled for the phone in my drunken haze, knocking a lamp to floor in the process.
"It's your dime," I growled. "Spill it."
"Mr ung?" It was a woman's voice. She seemed shaken to her very core. I knew with only those two words that this was a woman who knew all about pain -- and not the good kind. "j_ung?" She asked again.
I sat up straighter. "Yeah," I replied. "This is j_ung. What can I do for you?"
I was on the phone, mostly calming the babe down, for over and hour, but the details were still sketchy. "A murder," she had sobbed. Somebody close to her had been killed. I bundled my coat around me, scant protection against the biting chill of the night, and left for the crime scene.
I arrived just after the cops, which was perfect. The fools had already secured the scene for me, but hadn't yet crawled all through it and ruined the evidence. Freakin cops! Here's what I saw.
Closer examination revealed several grizzly details. The vic, a small green frog-like fella, hadn't just been clipped, he'd been mangled. The look on his face showed that, at the time of his death, he was terrified and in no small amount of pain.
The vic's wounds were horrific in the extreme. His guts had been pulled out and exposed to the air, which was saturated with the stink of decomposing plastic. This was no fresh kill. A thought occurred to me as I prowled the scene for clues. To pull guts out like that, one would almost have to reach into the body and yank forcefully. I didn't like that line of thinking, but I looked closer anyway. I choked down my bile when I saw exactly what I expected to see: bite marks. I was dealing with a real psycho on this one. The perp who did this was inhuman for sure.
Splatter marks further enhanced my gut feeling that this was no ordinary killer. This guy -- or guys -- had a real lust for destruction. He must have reached in the vic's body, grabbed a fistful of innards and shook the poor guy by his own entrails. Yeah, I thought again, a real animal.
I was momentarily lost in thought -- dark, deadly thoughts that would drive a man to drink if he didn't already spend 2/3 of his life in a gin bottle -- when a tap on my shoulder snapped me out of it. "Hey ung, whatter you doin here?" It was Sergeant McClasky, a morbidly obese, greaseball cop who always had some sort of food somewhere on his person. Tonight it was powdered sugar on his chin and shirt. Doughnuts. Typical. He also stunk of farts.
"McClasky, you puss bucket," I growled, my disdain for cops veritably dripping from every word. "I got a call tonight from the vic's wife. You guys talk to her yet?"
"Naw," he replied, completely missing my attitude. What a dumbass. "But we do got shots from a surveillance camera."
"And you didn't think that was worth mentioning before?"
"Before what?"
"Nevermind," I sighed. "I need to see those shots."
"I don't see why," he replied. "They don't show nothin' but a couple dogs. But, if you wanna see 'em, c'mon, I guess." He shrugged and turned away, so I followed in his ample wake. Ugh! I hate the smell of farts.
He was right; the shots didn't show much -- just a couple dogs. Still, something didn't seem right. I couldn't quite put a finger on it, though, and to be honest, my gin buzz was wearing off. I always think better when I'm drunk, so headed out for the bar to do some real thinkin'. Oh yeah, when that fat jerk McClasky wasn't lookin', I "borrowed" one of the surveillance shots.
I pushed the door open to Vinnie's Bar, and walked into a familiar dark room. Smoke hung in the air like curtains and swirled behind me as I walked purposefully to the bar. Vinnie, my old friend, was there as always. I didn't have to say a word; he knew what I wanted. The sound of the gin hitting the bottom of the glass was sweeter than jazz to me. "Make it a triple." I said.
"Whoa," Said Vinnie. "Rough night?"
Yeah," I said back. "I just left a pretty bad scene. Murder. Poor guy had his guts ripped right out."
"Any clues?" Asked Vinnie.
"Just one," I said and dropped the surveillance shot on the bar.
Vinnie picked it up and turned it upside down. He gazed at it a few seconds and his expression grew serious. He turned it sideways and his face went even more so. "This is more than just a clue," he said. "This is a shot of the murder scene, while the murder is happening!"
"What the Hell are you talkin' about?" I asked. "There's nothing in that shot, but a couple o' dogs playin'!"
"Wait a sec," said Vinnie. He grabbed my gin glass and topped it off, slapped the photo down on the bar and then sat the glass on top. Sure enough, the gin acted as a magnifying glass and the details I missed before were clear as day. We had our perps and I was right, they were real animals.
A quick call to McClasky and a whole squad of Keystone cops was on its way back to the house to make the arrests. Stupid dogs. Killing a guy right in front of a camera? Yeah, typical.
The next day, I read in the paper that the both of them had turned states evidence against each other in return for a shortened sentence. "Great," I said aloud to myself when I read it. "They'll get at least a smack on the nose with a rolled newspaper."
Case Closed.
(This post was edited by j_ung on Jan 21, 2008, 2:26 PM)
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republiclimber
May 10, 2005, 3:34 PM
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i can't believe you took the time to do that! glad you did though, funny stuff. :D
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overlord
May 10, 2005, 3:43 PM
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
that was a really good story.
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j_ung
May 10, 2005, 3:50 PM
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Yeah dude. Turns out she was the brains of the outfit. The lab was just hired muscle.
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wjca
May 10, 2005, 3:57 PM
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Did you recently lose your job? Because you have way too much free time. Need something to do? Wanna come paint my house?
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zozo
May 10, 2005, 3:59 PM
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OMG those mug shots are funny!
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berkly
May 10, 2005, 4:50 PM
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PHEW,.... I thought something happened to the dancers when I opened this thread.
Glad you caught the perps, send em to the chair :P
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arrettinator
May 10, 2005, 4:56 PM
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Funny stuff.
Brightened my day. That's for sure.
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climbinginchico
May 10, 2005, 6:15 PM
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Freakin hilarious jay. Classic.
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wjca
May 10, 2005, 6:35 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: Did you recently lose your job? Because you have way too much free time. Need something to do? Wanna come paint my house? :lol: I did it over the weekend and just copied and pasted this morning. Paint yoself, fool!
Sounds like all of your free time is on the weekend so I will be able to help you paint my house. If you could bring some beer with you, that'd be great (none of that cheap stuff either).
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j_ung
May 10, 2005, 7:23 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: Did you recently lose your job? Because you have way too much free time. Need something to do? Wanna come paint my house? :lol: I did it over the weekend and just copied and pasted this morning. Paint yoself, fool! Sounds like all of your free time is on the weekend so I will be able to help you paint my house. If you could bring some beer with you, that'd be great (none of that cheap stuff either).
It was the kind of night that makes you feel like a kid again, hiding under the covers from some invisible boogey man. Only this time, there was no place for me to hide... not from myself. After so many murder cases, I had finally decided that I too would kill someone.
But how? Poison in the beer? Hit him over the head with a paint roller? There were too many questions and not enough time. "I'll just wing it," I said to myself. "This is gonna be fun."
:P :P
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wjca
May 10, 2005, 7:51 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: Did you recently lose your job? Because you have way too much free time. Need something to do? Wanna come paint my house? :lol: I did it over the weekend and just copied and pasted this morning. Paint yoself, fool! Sounds like all of your free time is on the weekend so I will be able to help you paint my house. If you could bring some beer with you, that'd be great (none of that cheap stuff either). It was the kind of night that makes you feel like a kid again, hiding under the covers from some invisible boogey man. Only this time, there was no place for me to hide... not from myself. After so many murder cases, I had finally decided that I too would kill someone. But how? Poison in the beer? Hit him over the head with a paint roller? There were too many questions and not enough time. "I'll just wing it," I said to myself. "This is gonna be fun." :P :P
As long as you kill me this time. Last time all you did was spike my Appletinee with GHB and have your way with me once I passed out. I couldn't sit down without wincing for weeks. You have got to learn to love the lube, man. I have no idea where the gerbal went, but three days later my farts smelled like something had crawled (crawled, shoved up, whatever) my ass and died.
Also, whenever you come up, I am making the rule that there will be no more talking in the third person and holding your hands up making the "quotation" sign for everything you (or your inner dialogue) says. See you this weekend, I am already throwing down the drop cloths.
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j_ung
May 10, 2005, 7:57 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: Did you recently lose your job? Because you have way too much free time. Need something to do? Wanna come paint my house? :lol: I did it over the weekend and just copied and pasted this morning. Paint yoself, fool! Sounds like all of your free time is on the weekend so I will be able to help you paint my house. If you could bring some beer with you, that'd be great (none of that cheap stuff either). It was the kind of night that makes you feel like a kid again, hiding under the covers from some invisible boogey man. Only this time, there was no place for me to hide... not from myself. After so many murder cases, I had finally decided that I too would kill someone. But how? Poison in the beer? Hit him over the head with a paint roller? There were too many questions and not enough time. "I'll just wing it," I said to myself. "This is gonna be fun." :P :P As long as you kill me this time. Last time all you did was spike my Appletinee with GHB and have your way with me once I passed out. I couldn't sit down without wincing for weeks. You have got to learn to love the lube, man. I have no idea where the gerbal went, but three days later my farts smelled like something had crawled (crawled, shoved up, whatever) my ass and died. Also, whenever you come up, I am making the rule that there will be no more talking in the third person and holding your hands up making the "quotation" sign for everything you (or your inner dialogue) says. See you this weekend, I am already throwing down the drop cloths.
I scratched my head in confusion. You know, the kind of confusion that only comes from looking forward to the last sip of Mescal, only to find that the worm is already gone. Where did the worm go? The way of the gerbil? But the real question, the one I couldn't find an answer for... was "How did he know about the GHB?" :P
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philbox
Moderator
May 10, 2005, 10:04 PM
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Ahahahahaha, I love this site. Way funny man, I`m talking about the story and the retorts as well. :righton:
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dono169
May 10, 2005, 11:32 PM
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that was the longest post i've ever read- a testament to your story telling. u really had me on the edge for a while
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lvclimbingbum
May 11, 2005, 12:09 AM
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Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. Funny. Good job. :lol:
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tattooed_climber
May 11, 2005, 4:51 AM
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BAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
then i cry at the patheticness of the fact of the thread.....
then again i'm crying at the fact my computer desk is covered in Guide books, arno's book, and i can;t climb in due of job and truck.
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kachoong
May 11, 2005, 11:19 AM
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:lol: ....I haven't laughed so hard in a long time.... awesome Jay.... awesome.... :lol: ....uuurrrgggg..... my stomach hurts..... :lol:
....just look at the guilt!....
http://img125.echo.cx/...32/louisfront9mu.jpg
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josephine
May 12, 2005, 1:34 PM
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ROFL that was too funny j_ung,thanks so much!!!!
Nice dogs btw,i love the lab one :)
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tradgal
May 13, 2005, 3:18 PM
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I have seen that criminal before. She definitely had me fooled. Acting like an enforcer. Keeping her people safe from harm. Keeping the other dogs in line. Patroling her area faithfully. But all the while..a double agent. Playing us like fools. There was something in her eye, we should have known.
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tradgal
May 13, 2005, 3:29 PM
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Yeah..I wouldn't doubt the eye booger theory.
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