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tamtam


May 23, 2006, 8:12 AM
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Boy question
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I hope someone can give me a little advice, since I'm dating-challenged. I welcome any advice / input from the men as well.
Here's my pathetic story: I've only ever two guys before. Both times was when I was young, and there was nothing serious about either one. Now I'm at the age where my mom mentions grandchildren a lot. But I'll leave that responsibility to my siblings. Anyway, it has become apparent that a guy I recently met wants to date me, and I have no idea what to do.

Pros:
+ He is a little older than I am and seems (and claims) to be over his party years
+ He doesn't seem to mind that I don't wear a lot of feminine clothes (this is a big plus, because I hate having to "be girly" when I don't want to).
+ He admires the fact that I'm active and like to do stuff outside
+ He likes to cook (I hate cooking)
+ He is not unattractive physically

Cons:
- He just quit his job without having another lined up. He's living off his savings right now. (I don't know his exact financial situation, but this seems like irresponsible money management to me.)
- He has a bachelor's degree, but doesn't seem to value education much
- He's more the jock than the intellectual type
- I am not, at least at this point, 'attracted' to him.

I think my judgment is a little impaired just because I'm very flattered that a guy is actually expressing interest in me. When I try to really look at it objectively, I do not think that this guy is the type I would want a long term relationship with. (And I do NOT want short term relationships.) By relationship I mean more than friends. Longterm friendships (or even short term) are great.
On the other hand, I do not know him very well, and I tell myself I should give him the benefit of the doubt and "go along" and see if anything develops. Since I have very little experience with dating, maybe I should just try it and see what happens. Maybe it will be great. Maybe it will be a disaster.
Now, on the third hand, isn't that terribly unfair to him? Wouldn't I be giving him false impressions if I act sort of interested, even though I am not presently attracted to him? In other words, try him out to see if attraction develops after a little while? Or is that what dating is for?

Gah. I guess I should mention also that right now is an especially bad time for starting a relationship because I am studying to take the bar exam in July, plus working full-time. Right now I have to be pretty selfish in terms of time. It would be a wreck if I don't pass, because of my employer's expectations, etc.
I should also mention that just personality-wise I am not into a lot of physical contact, while he seems the opposite. I'm the "don't touch me" type. I find kissing on the lips absolutely repulsive. And when it is time to sleep, I want to sleep, dammit. I don't want to be kept awake by a snoring, alternately cover-stealer / heat radiator.
So yes, I'm a bit fridgid, I admit it. I realize intellectually that relationships are about compromise. I also realize that it will be difficult for me to compromise on some of these things. I don't want to be unfair to him by basically "practicing" on him with no real expectations of a longterm relationship developing. Although it is possible, I doubt it would.

Argh! Help!


kimmyt


May 23, 2006, 9:10 AM
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You're thinking way too hard into it. It's nice that you don't want to lead the guy on, but be aware that many times we convince ourselves we 'want something' in a partner and the reality is the opposite!

My advice: If you like this guy, like spending time with him, go out on a date. One date. That does not mean you are getting into a relationship with him. That is certainly not leading him on, unless you find him physically repulsive and have no attention of entertaining the possibility of a second date. If you enjoy that date, go out on another. If you don't want to go out on a date with him, then don't. You are not required to date people if you do not feel comfortable with it. No matter how many hints your mother drops about grandchildren.

If you find out you reeeeally enjoy spending time with him, then start worrying about that other stuff.

K.


redlegrangerone


May 23, 2006, 9:50 AM
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There are so many conflicting things in your post. Do you want to go or do you not? The only way you will ever find someone is to go out. If you find after a date you do not get along, like each other, have the ability to talk to each other, go your own way. I usually can tell after a short time, if I want to spend more time with her. What have you really got to lose?


comet


May 23, 2006, 12:43 PM
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In reply to:
I find kissing on the lips absolutely repulsive.

Serious question: Are you sure that you are sexually attracted to men?


tamtam


May 23, 2006, 2:15 PM
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I am attracted to men. I never have fantasized about other women; only about men.

The idea of kissing another female is equally repulsive. Just the idea of swapping spit is disgusting, regardless of who it is with.


wjca


May 23, 2006, 3:17 PM
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As a lawyer who has taken and passed two bar exams, I will tell you that you don't need the distraction right now. The full time job will be more than enough of a distraction from studying.

To be honest, if you have a full time job that expects a full day of work from you and you still have to study for the bar, you may already be fucked (but fortunately you didn't have to kiss anyone). The first bar exam I took I studied for about 8-12 hours a day, six or seven days a week, for six weeks straight. I did not work and barely felft like talking to my wife at night much less try to start a new relationship. The second bar exam I took, I was working for a firm that let me slide on billing for a few months. I studied for about 4-5 hours a day for about two or three months.

You don't seem very interested in the guy other than being flattered that he's into you. You have not presented any compelling reason to risk failing the bar exam. Tell him to wait until the end of July when you've taken the exam.

Chris


tamtam


May 25, 2006, 7:55 AM
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Thank you for the input everyone. As far as the bar exam goes, my employer will give me a couple weeks off (without pay) to study. Hopefully it will be enough.

I guess I will just tell him look, I need to be real selfish about my time right now, blah blah blah. If I hang out with him just occasionally then I can get to know him a little better and see if anything happens. Meanwhile, back to constitutional law... :?


nola_angie


May 25, 2006, 2:18 PM
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good luck with the bar exam!

Quick advice on men:

Be careful who you date. There are guys who are really into athletic chicks who don't *girl up* all the time, but their interest is primarily that these kinds of women are novel. Once the novelty wears off, well, they go back to the skirts and hair spray sisters!

Really, there is lots of time to date. Life is short, but not that short. :lol:
It sounds like you have a lot of your own things going on in life, and thats great. I've found it's better to date when you have the kind of life you *want* to share, not the kind of life you want to be saved from.


redlegrangerone


May 25, 2006, 2:54 PM
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^^^^^^^^This is very true^^^^^^^^^ :D


colotopian


May 25, 2006, 6:38 PM
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#*#*#*#*## <--- These are round and/or shiny attention get-ers. Guys like these... read on.
80@@()*DQ% <---- Yes, *we* are simple/dumb like that.

In reply to:
I realize intellectually that relationships are about compromise.

eee,uuuummm...yes... but...

I don't think you should be worrying about a relationship right now. I think you should get wild and nasty with employed men or unemployed students. You know, experiment:D Do some lab work! You might not know yourself as well as you think you do.

There are things that get you all hot-and-bothered and you should find them first. Use protection, make a few mistakes, and relax with somebody, or a couple somebody's (male or female). All of this, of course, is of your own choice, not somebody else's. Empower yourself sister! Knowledge is power!! With the new knowledge of yourself you gain in studying others and studying with lab partners you will be able to make better choices in the future. You already know this! You are about to take the bar. You have read a few books.

After this, then think about starting a relationship with an unemployed guy. I'm sure he is a good guy and all, but he's a bit vulnerable right now I think (**read as potentially clingy** and there is a ball of snakes there you don't have much knowledge about, or the tools to defend you're self with). You, girl, may only have enough weapons to defend yourself from fully employed, intelligent, dangerous men with cards, and ambitions, and a few expensive drinks in them! Or ripped, sweaty coeds who sneak out of class early to make a few laps on rock. Or better yet, a blend of the two! (this is where your imagination comes in. ;)

My recommendation, find a handful of girls, no not like that... or maybe... and man-hunt with them. Seriously! You may not really like these girls, but you will see them in action. Laugh at them, laugh with them... and later appreciate where they are coming from. Witness what they go through and how they handle it. Don't necessarily do what they do, come up with your own game, taking from them what you see as useful and what works for you and avoid what they didn't and doesn't. It could take a little time, or, you could be rattling the headboards tomorrow night.

Your first assignment, its simple, first day of class stuff...
Rent a movie like 9 1/2 weeks or Fatal Attraction, just to get started...
... you will be hunting soon... pay attention!

Oh, and kissing can be fun! Ease into it with a bottle of water near by for the both of you, then its not really spit... its just water! Warm and wet. :D


colotopian


May 25, 2006, 6:49 PM
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...ooop! I mean Basic Instinct not fatal attraction! I repeat, not fatal attraction!


redlegrangerone


May 25, 2006, 6:52 PM
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Yep, those movies will surely give her ideas what to do to us men. :shock:

Atleast she can then defend herself after she passes the bar exam. :lol:


colotopian


May 25, 2006, 7:00 PM
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In reply to:
Yep, those movies will surely give her ideas what to do to us men. :shock:

Atleast she can then defend herself after she passes the bar exam. :lol:

Exactly! She has nothing to worry about!. :D


dudemanbu


May 25, 2006, 10:17 PM
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In reply to:
I am attracted to men. I never have fantasized about other women; only about men.

The idea of kissing another female is equally repulsive. Just the idea of swapping spit is disgusting, regardless of who it is with.

are you an eskimo?


thomasribiere


May 26, 2006, 1:19 PM
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In reply to:
- I am not, at least at this point, 'attracted' to him.
This is an important point.


tamtam


Jun 5, 2006, 1:25 PM
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In reply to:
are you an eskimo?

No, but I wish I was so I could get away with just the nose-rubbing thing. :wink:

Thanks for the interesting, witty, and sage advice everyone. I like the idea of finding a little pack of wolv- err... women to go man hunting with. :P


colotopian


Jun 5, 2006, 4:06 PM
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In reply to:
In reply to:
are you an eskimo?

No, but I wish I was so I could get away with just the nose-rubbing thing. :wink:

Thanks for the interesting, witty, and sage advice everyone. I like the idea of finding a little pack of wolv- err... women to go man hunting with. :P

Grrrr... :D Hey, go easy on us ok? ...well, not too easy. Thats no good! :P Have fun!


guangzhou


Jun 5, 2006, 9:58 PM
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Just a quick thought from a guy:

Not all of us date a girl that's not girly until the novelty wears off. We don't all need skirts and perfume. My wife is my number one climbing partner.

You shouldn't have to start a relatationship with a compromise. Sounds to me like you have already decided you don't want to date this guy, but you are trying to convince yourself that you need to settle for him. Don't, you'll be misarible.

Relationships are hard enough when the other person is a great match, don't sobotage yourself.


adnix


Jun 6, 2006, 11:19 PM
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In reply to:
Cons:
- He just quit his job without having another lined up. He's living off his savings right now. (I don't know his exact financial situation, but this seems like irresponsible money management to me.)
- He has a bachelor's degree, but doesn't seem to value education much
- He's more the jock than the intellectual type
Seems like a very typical climber. Go for it, it'll do you good!


Partner bad_lil_kitty


Jun 9, 2006, 6:03 PM
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you're asking a forum of strangers the 'fate' of dating some guy who clearly you're not that interested in?!

as lawyers do, read between your own lines...you'll be thankful you did.

blk


8flood8


Jun 10, 2006, 5:54 AM
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Tell him the truth --

Hey --- i'm very flattered... not really that interested in you right now because i'm so busy.. (save his ego a little yo!) But

MAYBE

when i have more time, something could develop...

why are you worried about his money right now? You aren't moving in with him are you?!

Give him a few months of being friends and maybe you will find that you ARE attracted to your friend...

I was friends with Evening... madly in love with her for FOUR months ... meanwhile she was telling me that we'd never EVER date..

and now...

well now is a different story!


lagr01


Jun 13, 2006, 7:59 AM
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In reply to:
... I think my judgment is a little impaired just because I'm very flattered that a guy is actually expressing interest in me...

... I am not into a lot of physical contact...

...I'm the "don't touch me" type. I find kissing on the lips absolutely repulsive...

... So yes, I'm a bit fridgid, I admit it...

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you have some serious issues you should deal with and solve before even thinking about getting involved with any kind of guy.


zabens


Jun 14, 2006, 4:30 AM
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In reply to:
In reply to:
... I think my judgment is a little impaired just because I'm very flattered that a guy is actually expressing interest in me...

... I am not into a lot of physical contact...

...I'm the "don't touch me" type. I find kissing on the lips absolutely repulsive...

... So yes, I'm a bit fridgid, I admit it...

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you have some serious issues you should deal with and solve before even thinking about getting involved with any kind of guy.


I have to agree with Lag on this one. Maybe you should wait until you find someone you would not be repulsed to kiss. After all, if you can't kiss then other bodily fluid exchanges should logically be out of the question for you. That or just very boring.


pink_chalk


Jun 16, 2006, 9:59 PM
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maybe she's just a late bloomer... BUT still, kissing can be very rewarding!! :oops:


maculated


Jun 19, 2006, 1:44 AM
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Agree with everyone else. Sounds like you're interested because you think you should be, rather than actually being into him.

Trust me, the right guy comes along, and you won't have to worry about pros and cons. You'll ignore the cons initially.

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