Well I hear the United States has gone back down to a Yellow Alert from the previous Orange Alert status. Whew, that takes a load off my mind. I was afraid to go anywhere without wearing my gas mask, germ suit, and latex condom. I was afraid one of those wily terrorist-types would come invade my home and steal my valuable late-50s Tupperware collection. It's just the thing for storing those Anthrax spores. Keeps the hot stuff hot and the cold stuff cold, you know.

Actually, I'm glad in a way that all this stuff has happened in the world lately. It has given me a chance to bone up on World Events. Before all this happened, I didn't know the difference between Muslim and Muslin. I feel much more educated and on top of things now.

You know, come to think of it, I might just run for president in '08. I'm gonna revive the Straight-Talking American Government party, or STAG party for short. I know, the name sounds funny, but remember: political parties have always used abbreviations for their names. Take the GOP, for example, which stands for Group of Old People, and the Demos, which stand for Demolition. A quick thank you to Pat Paulsen for that last bit of stolen material.

But seriously, I'd make a great president. There would be no more police-state feeling with me in power. It would be a real "lassez-faire" feeling, which I believe has something to do with lesbians. And I truly do believe that lesbians are the cornerstone of a healthy, robust democracy. Remember: a vote for me is a vote for Lesbians. Catchy, huh? I sense a campaign slogan a-brewing.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to throw my cat into the ring for this next election. But I'll need your support. As you well know, third-party candidates have traditionally not done so hot, and, well, I have a feeling that mine will be somewhat beyond third-party. I'm thinking fifth or sixth. So any support you can give me will be appreciated and handsomely rewarded. Anybody want to be Secretary of the Interior? Well then, pony up, buddy, cause we're riding this rickety train straight to the White House. I accept cash, checks, most major credit cards, precious metals, gemstones, beautiful virgins, wheels of cheese, and knick-knacks of all types. Of course all contributions are tax-deductable and besides, what price can you place on the satisfaction of helping out a Good Cause? Even if it is foolish and stupid?

Thank you for your attention.

Latex condoms suck. Two words: Sheep Skin. More sensitivity, and you get to fvck knowing that some animal died just so you could bust a nut. What could be better?