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caligurl4evr78
Oct 20, 2002, 7:19 AM
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I'm a newbie and have only been looking for a climbing partner/teacher for a short while but have had several offers of help from single guys. Is the ulterior motive of getting something more out of it always there? I hate being valued based on my potential for future dating or even worse- attempts (definitely only attempts) at getting some meaningless physical relationship out of me. Anyone think it's worth it to go climb with a single guy if you're not interested in romance?
-Ann
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missedyno
Oct 21, 2002, 2:06 PM
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hmmm
just set your boundaries. it really depends on your personality, if you're getting roped into dates pretty easily then be extra cautious.
as a friend of mine said: "men never do anything for a girl unless they can get laid"
hmm. agree? disagree? it can be true for some guys, in some circumstances. so again be cautious.
better advice from a better friend of mine:
"as a climbing female, you're a pretty rare species."
recognize the value you hold just being a female who climbs. just be aware of all of this, and not naive to the frequent climbing invites.
as long as you're smart about it, you can weed out the date-attempters from the nice climbing guys.
i went through this too when i started climbing... climbed mostly with guys, a couple showed interest, i ended up dating one for a short while.... for those i wasn't interested in i just did that everlasting girl turndown:
"you guys are great FRIENDS. No really, you're like BROTHERS to me."
hope you can weed through the personal politics and climb climb climb!!!
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moey
Oct 21, 2002, 2:15 PM
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My few experiences with guy climbing partners ( i met 2 from rc.com last weekend) has been pretty good so far. And like you, when I posted for partners ALL of my responses were from guys, so I was a bit skeptical. One guy even pm'd me again to tell me he wasn't a nut and wasn't out to pick up etc. So.. I guess maybe for the first few climbs see if you can get a group thing going, it sorta lightens things up a bit.
good luck!
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just_me
Oct 21, 2002, 3:45 PM
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Since the majority of climbers are men, you are going to have to climb with them, or severely limit your options for partners.
There are plenty of guys who want dates, but also plenty who just want to climb. I would recommend climbing with them once, and forming your own impression. If they make you feel uncomfortable for any reason (perhaps lack of safety, not necessarily just a request for a date), then don't climb with them again.
My problem has often been that if the guys are not single, then there is usually a jealous girlfriend or wife who does not want you climbing with them. Other women (when I can find them) or single guys are my usual climbing partners.
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mclee
Oct 21, 2002, 5:53 PM
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My male climbing friends are focused on the climbing, not the "picking up on chicks" aspect. We reciprocate the respect because of our technical abilities and belay skills. It all depends on who you meet and partner up with though...
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caligurl4evr78
Oct 21, 2002, 6:12 PM
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Just_me: Yea I IMed a guy from this site to chat about climbing and about 5 minutes later his girlfriend popped up and told me to quit flirting with him! I can totally see the jealous girlfriend thing happening sometimes, like you said. Course who knows I'd probyl feel the same way.
Thanks for all the advice guys, I'll probably do like most of you said just take things as they come. I'm excited to start climbing.
-Ann
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bradhill
Oct 22, 2002, 8:29 PM
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What does this have to do with climbing? How is it any different than finding a dance partner, doubles tennis partner, or running buddy?
If you're at all attractive and unattached, the unattached men you encounter may make advances. It's life. It's a problem if they can't take no for an answer, but otherwise, what's the big deal? Say you're not interested and keep climbing.
Why do you (and many other women) assume that if a guy displays a sexual interest in a woman that it's the only thing they find interesting or worthwhile about that woman?
Isn't that the exact same thing you apparently find so insulting, assuming about a whole class of people that their sexuality is all there is to them?
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caligurl4evr78
Oct 23, 2002, 3:45 AM
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~Inspecting Bradhill's shoulder for chip....~
Hehe, well I have my own chip I guess. You're right, I'll try not to assume things so much. I love climbing and don't care who I climb with, guy or girl. I tend to be too spontaneous and trusting though, which has gotten me too many lectures from well meaning and conservative friends so that's why I was asking. Fishing for any words of caution in case my friends are actually right is all...
[ This Message was edited by: caligurl4evr78 on 2002-10-22 20:47 ]
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mjcon
Oct 23, 2002, 11:50 PM
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I would suggest you climb with those you feel completely comfortable with. If you trust them and they're safe, then don't worry so much what their motives may or may not be. Just go out and have a good time.
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eowyn1025
Oct 24, 2002, 3:04 AM
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i didn't read any of the other posts but here's my .02:
i climb all the time with a single guy or two and they're actually the best climbing buddies i could ask for. depends on the guy i guess...just be yourself and if they start acting like they want more, find yourself a different partner or level with the one that's hitting on you. not all guys are interested in romance..at least the ones i know.
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marvin_1964
Oct 24, 2002, 11:59 AM
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I've been climbing for about 3 years with a number of different female partners (single and married) and generally I prefer a female climbing partner as there's usually less of an ego issue.
So, not all men have an ulterior motive when looking for a female climbing partner.
[ This Message was edited by: marvin_1964 on 2002-10-24 08:13 ]
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climberchic
Oct 24, 2002, 2:02 PM
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Uh....getting off topic a little?
(not you eowyn)
To sum up:
She wants to start climbing and has gotten several offers from single males offering to take her out.
She's asking women about their experiences with the motiviation of single guys in cases like this. Most genuine or most with ulterior motives?
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bradhill
Oct 24, 2002, 3:50 PM
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I couldn't say it better than this great quote from Heather Havrilesky, of Filler fame and author lately of the rabbit blog.
"Women who don't notice that men spend most of their time imagining f---ing every woman they know, read about, see on the street, etc. waste a lot of their time and energy protecting their naive brains from this simple fact, time and energy that might be spent on more important things, like eating chili cheese fries, and trying out new anti-wrinkle creams."
Or climbing.
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happyfeet
Oct 24, 2002, 4:10 PM
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May I just say how cool mtngeo is?
That out of the way, here's my opinion: If the dude seems sincere and doesn't creep you out, go for a climb. If he asks you out and you're not interested, politely turn him down and with that out of the way you guys can continue to climb. Now, just to be sure on the creep factor, it might be wise for you to take a friend or at least meet the guy for coffee or something before going out to the middle of nowhere with him. Just to use a little of that radar mtngeo talked about.
I'm also new and it's hellish finding climbing partners and I've found that men are much more receptive to taking me climbing than women (who tend to have their own little cliques in my area apparently...not nearly as friendly as the guys) and there are just more guys than girls, so more often than not you'll be climbing with guys.
If you come over to AZ, let me know...I'll climb with ya
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frogman976
Oct 24, 2002, 5:28 PM
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Anyone ever get creeped out over a potential climbing partner? I took a chance and met with this girl, to climb on Tuesday down in La Jolla. She was cool, til she mentioned that she had attempted suicide and how her husband wanted a divorce. And then proceeded to spill her life story out to me. I won't name any names right out here in the open for fear she might be reading and decide to jump in front of a truck. I firmly believe in being open, but this chick seriously needed someone to check her head out a little. Any takers on this one?
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frogman976
Oct 24, 2002, 5:41 PM
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There's no way in hell!
It was the whole first impression scenario.
She bitched about her new shoes hurting her feet, talked about getting even with her hubby, and long walks on the beach. (Que the Twilight Zone Theme....now.)
I jumped off the wall, threw my flip flops on, jumped in the pimpmobile, headed back to the pad, and proceeded to drink...heavily.
It was almost the scene from ACE VENTURA when Ace is in the shower after his incident with the he/she.
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olebetsy
Oct 24, 2002, 5:55 PM
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Hi Ann - I would say it's worth it to go climbing with a single guy if you're not interested in going out with him, but if he makes it clear that he's attracted to you, don't waste any time in letting him know that's not your motivation. Maybe you could do some trial runs in the gym, with other people around, to see if you're comfortable with him on a neutral basis. Sometimes people can be hard to read, no matter where you are, but climbing at the gym, or outside with a group, would be like going out for coffee first to see if you like someone as a friend. I'm a "mature" married woman, and I have climbed at our gym with single guys of all ages, most of whom seem relieved not to have to worry about any dating option. I've been amazed at how open climbers can be, male or female, you know?
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katydid
Oct 24, 2002, 6:18 PM
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Trust your gut. I have met about 80% of the people I climb/have climbed with on this site. Most are guys, because, well, most climbers are guys. I haven't met anyone I felt physically unsafe with.
If you're not entirely sure about someone, meet them somewhere public (where a lot of other people will be climbing), which will reduce the possibility of bad or weird stuff happening. (Except for people who want to tell you their Most Horrible Life Story, which is another issue altogether. )
I'm not in your area, but I can tell you that the people I've met in Ontario and Oregon from this site have been good climbers who don't overstate their ability, and who are interested in going out to climb, first and foremost.
As a matter of fact, most the guys on this site seem to think it's pretty cool that a woman wants to climb, because there aren't too many of us out there willing to take the risk.
Kate
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phil_nev
Oct 25, 2002, 5:04 AM
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I have a girlfreind, but i also invite newbies, be they male or female to come climbing. I think the main reason i like taking new girls is because it's a nice change of pace from the testosterone filled trips with all the guys.....
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flashgirl
Nov 7, 2002, 8:10 PM
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Dear Caligrl,
How do you know you won't want to date one of these guys? I recently went climbing with a guy I PM'd from this site, we had a great time. Nothing happened, but I found myself kind of wishing something would have.
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ecocliffchick
Nov 7, 2002, 10:03 PM
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You're going to have to get used to climbing with single guys. They make up, like 80% of the climbing population, and you'll severly limit your partner options if you feel uncomfortable climbing with them. What I'd do is try to organize group outings, rather than individual "date type" trips. When it's just the two of you heading out into the wilderness, some guys might get the wrong impression, but if it's a fun group day out at the rocks, whether it's you and 3 guys or if there are other girls there too, there's no way they'll try to make a move for fear of rejection in public.
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enigma
Nov 8, 2002, 7:11 AM
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My feeling is that guys are guys, and if you are an attractive women,sure they'll be interested in you.
Especially when you add in the fact that your a newbie,and I assume your not leading or following any hard grades.So they think "what's in it for me", and what do you think.?
I really hope your not so naive to think a 5.11 leader is interested in you solely as a climbing partner.
Now should you tell them,well that's a difficult decision, especially when you need them too. You might find that once you can follow,close to there leading ablity, there's more of a real partnership.Good Luck
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flashgirl
Nov 8, 2002, 10:34 PM
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Wow Randee, you sound like you have had some bad experiences.
Hey, maybe you could ask other RC.COM members for references, "have you climbed with....is he safe?"
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enigma
Nov 8, 2002, 11:23 PM
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Amy I'm more than able to take care of myself.
Thank you very much for your concern.
And I am not having any trouble finding partners for anything. Either!!!
Sounds like you should concentrate on your own issues,which I'm sure you have.
Nonetheless I worry about a girl asking on her profile,and acting coy, for a mentor. Sorry that you didn't get that,or that she might be asking for trouble.Especially if she is naive.
[ This Message was edited by: enigma on 2002-11-08 16:56 ]
[ This Message was edited by: enigma on 2002-11-08 17:02 ]
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canclimber
Nov 9, 2002, 2:22 AM
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Ouch!! Might do wonders to not be quite so nasty. Seems to be people are jumping to all kinds of conclusions such as someone being naive when really do YOU KNOW THIS PERSON. Overt defensive-ness is a sign of something? Being a guy and having climbed with and still climbing with many different female partners I have seen no problems with the gender issue. A couple of these women were beginners when I started climbing with them. I see no reason why experienced climbers can not help newbies learn without sex being the reason for it. Everyone must remember that they most likely started climbing with a more experienced climber!!
LOL and be nice and you will likely be happy as well.
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