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rockie


Feb 17, 2009, 12:20 AM
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View of couples who stay together for childs sake..
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What are your view on that one out of interest?

I've a friend who is doing this, their child is aged 2, he said he married too fast before getting to know her properly. Very brave if you ask me! I always woke up more the more serious a relationship got for me, and usually scared off straight after I woke up.. heh!

Still I guess that saved me Tongue

But my parents did that, well my Dad did as I remember he kept saying when we were old enough he'd leave as he'd had enough at the time, they did not get along for some years due to 'things'. However, when we left home, they came back together in time and are as they were when they first met.. as close as ever, that part did surprise me I have to say.

So! on the one hand I see how it is good, for the child.

On the other hand I see how it is not, for the couple, and not always for the child either if parents do not get along.

In his case, they do get along, just nothing in common is what he told me.

I suggested marriage councelling in his case, as it doesn't sound too bad from where I am sitting.


(This post was edited by rockie on Feb 17, 2009, 12:21 AM)


chadnsc


Feb 17, 2009, 5:56 AM
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Re: [rockie] View of couples who stay together for childs sake.. [In reply to]
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I honestly don't think any of us here are able to comment on this unless we have experienced it firsthand (i.e. stayed in a relationship for a child or your where said child).

There are way too many interpersonal variables that simply commenting on an over generalized assumption would accomplish nothing.

Regardless I feel that this topic should be placed in the campground forum as this topic dose not relate only to women.


adatesman


Feb 17, 2009, 6:25 AM
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mojomonkey


Feb 17, 2009, 6:32 AM
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rockie wrote:
But my parents did that, well my Dad did as I remember he kept saying when we were old enough he'd leave as he'd had enough at the time, they did not get along for some years due to 'things'.

I don't see how it is doing your kids any favors to stay while pointing out that you want to leave but are sticking around on their behalf. Nice load to put on the kids. How is that better than an amicable split where both parents stay involved but live separately?


wonderwoman


Feb 17, 2009, 7:49 AM
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A really good parent tries to model healthy behaviors and relationships for her children. Staying in a bad marriage is not healthy for anybody.


adatesman


Feb 17, 2009, 7:52 AM
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puerto


Feb 17, 2009, 8:27 AM
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A terrible idea! And, although they may fool themselves that they're doing it for the children's sake, it's usually out of their own fear and laziness.


puerto


Feb 17, 2009, 8:32 AM
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I have to add in relation to the first post: I also know a few couples that separated and years later got back together in much healthier relationships. But (obviously I guess) the improvement in the relationship wouldn't have happened if they hadn't split up to begin with.


lena_chita
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Feb 17, 2009, 10:53 AM
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I guess theoretically it is possible to stay together "for kids' sake". Advisable? I don't think so.

However, in my mind, if the parents WERE staying together for their children's sake, then telling the kids, "we are staying together for you guys" would be the very worst (and counter-productive) thing to do. Telling the kids that "I'll leave when you are older"? What sort of a slow torture is that?

IMO if the parents decide to do this sort of thing for some reason, their priority should be to keep any sign of tension hidden from the children, b/c what exactly IS the point of staying together for kids' sake, if the kids see the parents fighting and treating each other poorly? If the kids are waiting with baited breath for that day when the Dad decides that yeah, they are finally "old enough" and he can leave? Are the kids really better off with two parents living under the same roof and barely getting along vs. two parents living separately and maintaining the same level of polite/cordial relationship that they would have to maintain in order to "live together for kids' sake"?

In retrospect though, we don't know much about what our parents are going through, when we are kids. I have found out recently in talks with my parents that there was a point when my Dad seriously thought about leaving. I do remember couple fights and door slamming, with my Mom going to Grandma's house for the afternoon to "cool off". But I would have never guessed that the situation was that serious, or that the fights were any more serious than a quick temper flare-up followed by an equally quick cool-off. In the end, my Dad didn't leave, and we kids were none the wiser. My parents are still together-- next year it would be 40's anniversary for them. The kids are long-gone, so they obviously aren't staying together for kids' sake...

I obviously can't know what your parents went through, but the Dad leaving "b/c he's had enough" and then the parents coming back together after the kids were gone... Seems crazy, but I know several people of my age, whose parents divorced when the kids were in the "old enough" stage, and in several of those cases the parents got back togehter later in life... It was always with the Dad leaving b/c he "had enough" and he wanted a red motorcycle. Or that shiny convertible. Or the ability to go wherever he wanted to go, with nothing tying him down. It goes back to that whole "parenting is a huge stress" issue, LOL.


granite_grrl


Feb 17, 2009, 11:26 AM
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I think staying together simply for the child's sake is probobly unfair to all involved. But what the parent's do owe the child is to do everything they possibly can to work things out when things get rocky (counciling, etc). Hopefully they're doing it for themselves too, but they should at least do it for the sake of their child.


gogounou


Feb 17, 2009, 1:04 PM
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wonderwoman wrote:
A really good parent tries to model healthy behaviors and relationships for her children. Staying in a bad marriage is not healthy for anybody.

Perfectly stated.


clee03m


Feb 17, 2009, 1:17 PM
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One of my friend's parents stayed together in a loveless marriage, and she was so messed up. Required a lot of therapy. I would say, for childs' sakes, keep the love in the marriage.


rockie


Feb 17, 2009, 1:25 PM
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adatesman wrote:
Well, as said child I have to say it depends on the situation.... In my case they did stay together and it was a very bad thing, allowing the emotional and physical abuse from my father to continue. I understand why she stayed, but don't agree with it (and spent my teens and twenties nagging her to leave him).

I'd have to agree that there's way too many variables to make generalizations about this, and really it depends on the people and the situation.

I agree, same with mine, no physical abuse mind, just arguing, as a child it would have killed me had they broke up. As a teen both my brother first, then I were hoping they would split up, we'd had enough.
But then they got on and closer again some years after we both left home.


(This post was edited by rockie on Feb 24, 2009, 9:28 PM)


rockie


Feb 17, 2009, 1:27 PM
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wonderwoman wrote:
A really good parent tries to model healthy behaviors and relationships for her children. Staying in a bad marriage is not healthy for anybody.

totally agree.

Though the guy I know, they get on well, just nothing in common and rushed into marriage he feels. At least they get on though!


rockie


Feb 17, 2009, 1:28 PM
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puerto wrote:
I have to add in relation to the first post: I also know a few couples that separated and years later got back together in much healthier relationships. But (obviously I guess) the improvement in the relationship wouldn't have happened if they hadn't split up to begin with.

Very good point too, time and space heals old wounds. If the love was there to begin with this makes sense I'd say.


rockie


Feb 17, 2009, 1:34 PM
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lena_chita wrote:
I guess theoretically it is possible to stay together "for kids' sake". Advisable? I don't think so.

However, in my mind, if the parents WERE staying together for their children's sake, then telling the kids, "we are staying together for you guys" would be the very worst (and counter-productive) thing to do. Telling the kids that "I'll leave when you are older"? What sort of a slow torture is that?

In reply to:


Precisely, could not agree more. Though I know my Mum would have not coped had my Dad left her either.
I obviously can't know what your parents went through, but the Dad leaving "b/c he's had enough" and then the parents coming back together after the kids were gone... Seems crazy, but I know several people of my age, whose parents divorced when the kids were in the "old enough" stage, and in several of those cases the parents got back togehter later in life... It was always with the Dad leaving b/c he "had enough" and he wanted a red motorcycle.


That too, my Dad talked of getting a boat and happily spending time alone fishing suiting himself.

It was post natal depression and years of it, it was hard I admit and I don't know many men in all honesty who would have put up with that. Sad is it was not well recognized back then. Later on though they both got councelling (I made the appointment!).

I noticed it change some time after that, they got close again and now are closer than ever..
But what a long haul, I would never want to go through that myself in a relationship.


rockie


Feb 17, 2009, 1:35 PM
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clee03m wrote:
One of my friend's parents stayed together in a loveless marriage, and she was so messed up. Required a lot of therapy. I would say, for childs' sakes, keep the love in the marriage.


Interestingly, when I read your post, reminded me straight away of Lady Diana. It messed her up too!


limeydave


Feb 17, 2009, 1:44 PM
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rockie wrote:
clee03m wrote:
One of my friend's parents stayed together in a loveless marriage, and she was so messed up. Required a lot of therapy. I would say, for childs' sakes, keep the love in the marriage.


Interestingly, when I read your post, reminded me straight away of Lady Diana. It messed her up too!

Well, some marriages may just be having a rockie patch (geddit?) and it would be unwise to make a snap decision to divorce, rationalizing the stay together as 'for the kids' is dangerous IMO - it could breed more resentment.

If the kids are likely to grow up in a largely hostile environment, it might be better to call it quits. I've seen this personally work out for the best on several occasions.


rockie


Feb 17, 2009, 2:01 PM
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limeydave wrote:
rockie wrote:
clee03m wrote:
One of my friend's parents stayed together in a loveless marriage, and she was so messed up. Required a lot of therapy. I would say, for childs' sakes, keep the love in the marriage.


Interestingly, when I read your post, reminded me straight away of Lady Diana. It messed her up too!

Well, some marriages may just be having a rockie patch (geddit?)

Heh! Very funny Wink
Yet true, agreed.

Says he who is promoting divorce, love the sig limeydave: www.onlinedivorce.com

Though don't get married = Can't get divorced.


(This post was edited by rockie on Feb 17, 2009, 2:05 PM)


clausti


Feb 17, 2009, 5:51 PM
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rockie wrote:

I've a friend who is doing this, their child is aged 2, he said he married too fast before getting to know her properly.

i would, for the child's sake, not have had the child in a "fast" marriage to a woman whom didn't spend enough time "getting to know.. properly."

people should think more than that before they have kids, about the long-term environment they're bringing a life into. if you can't see three years into the future in a civil fashion with your partner, why in the world would you get pregnant?


chadnsc


Feb 18, 2009, 5:40 AM
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Very possibly they didn't plan to get pregnant, that's why.


wonderwoman


Feb 18, 2009, 5:42 AM
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I've been thinking more about this... There are some guys who will complain about their partner just to solicit 'comfort' from a lady friend.

Rockie - does this guy have a thing for you? Is it one of those 'You understand me so much more than my wife', situations?


clausti


Feb 18, 2009, 5:54 AM
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chadnsc wrote:
Very possibly they didn't plan to get pregnant, that's why.

probably. situations like that are really sad.

but part of me is like wtf? to the guy in this situation.

it's like, if you didn't want the kid, if you are a guy in a situation where you don't want to be a father- wear a god damn condom.


blueeyedclimber


Feb 18, 2009, 6:13 AM
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wonderwoman wrote:
A really good parent tries to model healthy behaviors and relationships for her children. Staying in a bad marriage is not healthy for anybody.

This is why I married you.

I split from my first wife when my daughter was 1.5 years old. It became clear to me early on that we were not right for each other. As WW said, children benefit from healthy modeling. What kind of example would I have been setting, if I had forgotten about my own happiness. Children are very observant, and anyone who thinks they can hide any tension from them is only fooling themselves.

Modeling a healthy relationship to your child will set them up to seek out healthy relationships and to take nothing less.

Josh


chadnsc


Feb 18, 2009, 6:21 AM
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clausti wrote:

probably. situations like that are really sad.

but part of me is like wtf? to the guy in this situation.

it's like, if you didn't want the kid, if you are a guy in a situation where you don't want to be a father- wear a god damn condom.


This is true but condoms break, the pill isn't fool proof, and lust can cause people not to think straight.

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