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suntanlotion18


Apr 13, 2009, 11:04 PM
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edge


Apr 14, 2009, 5:54 AM
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Re: [suntanlotion18] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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If he introduced you, then he has been climbing longer. Of course he can out climb you at this point.

Climbing has an exponential learning curve, and his minutely superior experience is showing. DO NOT let it bother you. You must progress at your own rate, and it sounds like you are having an enjoyable time doing just that. Don't worry about the competitive portion of climbing until you have been doing it long enough to decide if you actually want to compete, or just have fun.

If he is taunting you about his macho ability to scrabble up 5.10's, however, then maybe you need to place a swift kick to his nether regions or move on to someone who appreciates who you are as an individual and admire your efforts. You are worth more than that.


clausti


Apr 14, 2009, 6:21 AM
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Re: [edge] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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edge wrote:
If he introduced you, then he has been climbing longer. Of course he can out climb you at this point.

Climbing has an exponential learning curve, and his minutely superior experience is showing. DO NOT let it bother you. You must progress at your own rate, and it sounds like you are having an enjoyable time doing just that. Don't worry about the competitive portion of climbing until you have been doing it long enough to decide if you actually want to compete, or just have fun.

If he is taunting you about his macho ability to scrabble up 5.10's, however, then maybe you need to place a swift kick to his nether regions or move on to someone who appreciates who you are as an individual and admire your efforts. You are worth more than that.

^^that.


acacongua


Apr 14, 2009, 6:26 AM
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Re: [suntanlotion18] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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This is where you have to do what people refer to as an "adult conversation".

You have to tell him how his behavior makes you feel (and don't do it during the big game). Don't tell him how he should act, don't demand anything of him. Just let him know that this competitive act is putting a wedge between the two of you and that you want climbing to be something for yourself - something you will do at your own pace.

Besides, I doubt he was any good one year into it.

And just as you would a puppy, always recognize when he does something right. And be supportive of his climbing to set the example.

But also recognize that he may sense your competitiveness and is doing what guys do best: taunting you. So before you have the conversation, take a good look at your own behavior and let him know what you'll change.


gblauer
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Apr 14, 2009, 6:58 AM
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Re: [acacongua] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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Agree with all that was stated above.

But, you have to take responsibility for your own climbing. So, you lost your license and can't get to a gym. Can you find alternative means of transporattion to get to the gym a few days a week? I would suggest that you find other partners and that you focus on your own ability. Train to improve your footwork, balance and strength. Observe the strong climbers in the gym and emulate their technique. Take some lessons

If you can't get to a gym, can you build a "woodie" at home? What other things can you do in the absence of a gym? What strength training can you do at home or locally?

The important thing is to build your own capability.


Gmburns2000


Apr 14, 2009, 7:05 AM
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Re: [suntanlotion18] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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Try climbing with someone else. Seriously, I know several couples who make great partners and I also know several couples who can't climb with each other. They all make great couples outside of climbing, too.

Climbing is an individual sport. Make sure you you enjoy it.


olderic


Apr 14, 2009, 7:11 AM
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Re: [edge] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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edge wrote:
If he introduced you, then he has been climbing longer. Of course he can out climb you at this point.

Climbing has an exponential learning curve, and his minutely superior experience is showing. DO NOT let it bother you. You must progress at your own rate, and it sounds like you are having an enjoyable time doing just that. Don't worry about the competitive portion of climbing until you have been doing it long enough to decide if you actually want to compete, or just have fun.

If he is taunting you about his macho ability to scrabble up 5.10's, however, then maybe you need to place a swift kick to his nether regions or move on to someone who appreciates who you are as an individual and admire your efforts. You are worth more than that.

You managed to say all that with a straight face too - must be the newer kinder sensitive Edge...


edge


Apr 14, 2009, 7:22 AM
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Re: [olderic] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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olderic wrote:
You managed to say all that with a straight face too - must be the newer kinder sensitive Edge...

Nah, just older and wiserer.

My point holds up, however.


melham


Apr 14, 2009, 11:08 AM
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Re: [suntanlotion18] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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Try to find some aspect of climbing that your BF doesn't know yet. For example, is your climbing limited to gym TR? If so, and if that's all he knows, suggest to him that you both learn to lead, or climb outside, or learn self-rescue techniques (that's a good idea if you climb outside anyway, even if you're only doing single pitch), whatever he doesn't already know. Learn something new - from someone qualified to teach it - about climbing, and do it together. It will show him that you're serious about the sport, it will give you both something to work on together, and it will put you both on an even playing field, even if it's only for a little while.


rockie


Apr 14, 2009, 1:57 PM
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Re: [suntanlotion18] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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Bin him and find another who is more sensitive and less self-centred.

My ex was quick to point out what I should do, rather than what I did do (well), and was always feeding back that way and it got on my nerves, he does tend to also like to brag about himself by the way.

I finally told him that constructive feedback works better, and pointed out how I knew I did that last route pretty well, I myself felt.
He then agreed with me that yes I did, and pointed out another exercise to practice, e.g. getting used to falling, which I took on. But I too did not like his criticizing attitude.


blueshrimp


Apr 15, 2009, 11:11 AM
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Re: [suntanlotion18] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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Competing with your significant other is, in my opinion, a recipe for the sure eventual demise of the relationship.

Figure out what you value more: climbing harder than your boyfriend, or your boyfriend.

If you value your relationship more, then you just have to turn the competition switch off. Be proud of his accomplishments on rock, and be proud of yours. Improve your climbing FOR YOURSELF, not so that you feel "better" or "more accomplished" than your boyfriend.

And when he "rubs it in", simply smile, plant him a big kiss on the cheek, and say: "Yes, you're awesome!" and leave it at that.


htotsu


Apr 15, 2009, 4:44 PM
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Re: [blueshrimp] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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In reply to:
And when he "rubs it in", simply smile, plant him a big kiss on the cheek, and say: "Yes, you're awesome!" and leave it at that.

Au contraire. Under what circumstances do you smile and give someone a kiss for being an ass? Nay, I say. That's essentially saying, "please, sir, may I have another" to someone who is belittling you.

If he's an ass when you climb together, you don't reward him. You stop climbing with him.


blueshrimp


Apr 16, 2009, 12:10 AM
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Re: [htotsu] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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htotsu wrote:
In reply to:
And when he "rubs it in", simply smile, plant him a big kiss on the cheek, and say: "Yes, you're awesome!" and leave it at that.

Au contraire. Under what circumstances do you smile and give someone a kiss for being an ass? Nay, I say. That's essentially saying, "please, sir, may I have another" to someone who is belittling you.

If he's an ass when you climb together, you don't reward him. You stop climbing with him.

Well, no. I mean, if the boyfriend sucessfully finishes a difficult climb, what's wrong with showing some admiration and encouragement? Wouldn't you appreciate the same when you finish a difficult climb?

Come on girls, not all men are evil/rude/stupid/asses. Sometimes it is we women that allow them to act so, mostly by trying to behave just like the men we criticize.

So stop competing with him and be supportive. If he's worthwhile he'll do the same to you.

If not, then sure, dump him. But if he's a jerk it will be aparent in many areas more than just climbing.

(shrug).


clausti


Apr 16, 2009, 5:59 AM
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Re: [blueshrimp] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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blueshrimp wrote:
htotsu wrote:
In reply to:
And when he "rubs it in", simply smile, plant him a big kiss on the cheek, and say: "Yes, you're awesome!" and leave it at that.

Au contraire. Under what circumstances do you smile and give someone a kiss for being an ass? Nay, I say. That's essentially saying, "please, sir, may I have another" to someone who is belittling you.

If he's an ass when you climb together, you don't reward him. You stop climbing with him.

Well, no. I mean, if the boyfriend sucessfully finishes a difficult climb, what's wrong with showing some admiration and encouragement? Wouldn't you appreciate the same when you finish a difficult climb?

um, i don't think simply finishing a difficult climb was what the OP was referring to when she said that the boyfriend was "rubbing it in," which is what you then, quoted and condoned.

the OP can correct me if I've read this wrong, but it seems like the boyfriend was finishing climbs, then taunting her about her inability to finish them, despite the fact that he'd been climbing longer. sounds pretty dick to me.

In reply to:
Come on girls, not all men are evil/rude/stupid/asses.

nope, not all of them, but ones who take their girl climbing so they can laugh at her when she doesn't do as well are. that'd be like my husband taking me cross country skiing (i grew up in sc, he grew up in utah) and mocking my slow progress. our sleeping bags would not be zipped together that night.

In reply to:
Sometimes it is we women that allow them to act so, mostly by trying to behave just like the men we criticize.


that sentence doesn't make any sense, so i have no rebuttal.

In reply to:
So stop competing with him and be supportive. If he's worthwhile he'll do the same to you.

If not, then sure, dump him. But if he's a jerk it will be aparent in many areas more than just climbing.

(shrug).

i think that the story she told in the OP pretty clearly demonstrated that he was not being supportive. and it certainly doesn't sound to me like the problem is the OP's "competitiveness."

but really, stop acting so ______, ladies- you'll make the men do ______ and then it will be your fault!


acacongua


Apr 17, 2009, 6:43 AM
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Re: [clausti] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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Remember that there are always two sides to the story and we're not hearing his.


suntanlotion18


Apr 18, 2009, 11:08 PM
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blueshrimp


Apr 19, 2009, 4:35 AM
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Re: [suntanlotion18] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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suntanlotion18 wrote:
he doesnt necessarily 'taunt' me. for example; the other day we went bouldering. i hadnt been climbing in over a month:( and hes gone everyday. he flys up a pretty difficult problem his first try. im realy happy for him, i say 'good job baby!' but as i say that i can see his head growing. he kinda had a 'ya i know im good' kind of attitude. (so annoying). anyways, i strat trying a boulder problem thats a challenge for me. after several attempts in my fingers are getting raw but i could do it i just needed a rest. so im sitting on my crash pad and he looks at what im working on and climbs it with his hiking boots on and when he gets to the top he goes 'woooo!'. so after that im like 'what the hell gimme a break' i try not to look bothered though. so i try my boulder problem a couple more times and my middle finger stats to bleed so i say 'forget it im done with this one for now' and he says 'oh so your giving up' in sort of a " i knew you couldnt do it im better than you" tone of voice. so right there i told him that it bothered me and he said he didnt mean it like that and apoligized. so i dont know.

He knows he is a really good climber and everyone tells him he is also. so when i talk to him or we climb together he always thinks hes hot shit and i feel theres no need for me to say 'good job'. cuz that will make him think hes even more better.

ALSO, he ONLY talks about climbing. honest to god. everything he talks about has to do with what he climbed at the gym, what climbing shoes he wants and so on. i dont mind talking about climbing, i actually talk with him and we can carry a conversation. even if hes talking about something not so interesting ill pay attention and respond. but when i try to talk to him about something other than climbing, he just gets quiet. I compare it to talking to a wall. honest.
Another example; we went to yosemite yesterday and the main conversaion was climbing. i didnt mind. but the one time i start talking about myself and what i was doing next semester for college, he doesnt say ANYTHING! so finally i break down and say 'hello you dont care what i gotta say??' and he says 'i do.. but i dont know what do you want me to say' right there im like this is ridiculous!!! so i say ' how about asking me what classes im gonna take' he just said im sorry i just get quiet sometimes. its annoying. im getting pissed just writing this, so im going to brace myself for the feedback im gonna hear.Crazy


Thanks for listening/reading:) sorry if its long

Well, from what you posted it sounds like it is not your climbing partner that is the problem, it is your relationship (i.e. the climbing is not the problem, the relationship outside of climbing is and it manifests itself also during climbing). The reason I say this is because for whatever reason (right or wrong) it sounds like you resent your boyfriend. Again, not a good basis for a solid relationship.

I see some writing on the wall....


smallclimber


Apr 19, 2009, 7:13 PM
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I am also thinking you guys do not have much future together, though climbing is not the reason.


granite_grrl


Apr 20, 2009, 5:45 AM
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Re: [blueshrimp] Competitive Relationship..Boyfriend climbs better than you [In reply to]
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heh

My husband has warmed up on my project in his approch shoes. I can't remember if this used to annoy me, but I'm sure that it did. In climbing you have to get confident in yourself and your own climbing, proud of your accomplishments on something hard (for you).

It can be hard not to let the ego get in the way, we all struggle with it, but climbing is a personal journey and comparing yourself to someone else isn't healty in this sport.


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