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blueivy


Jun 8, 2011, 1:12 PM
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wonderwoman


Jun 8, 2011, 1:47 PM
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Re: [blueivy] please don't judge me [In reply to]
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It's time for you to organize some sort of ladies climbing day or invite people over for a potluck. Put yourself out there and don't be afraid of rejection. It sounds like you're expecting judgement and rejection (even by the title of your post) which might taint your perception of what's really going on here. Sometimes you just have to make the first move!


erisspirit


Jun 8, 2011, 1:55 PM
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Sometimes it truly is just hard to find new partners. People tend to prefer to stick to the partners the know. It is a lot easier to just call up that same reliable partner every time than try to organize a group, or branch out and trust a stranger. Don't take it personally, They are putting their life in that persons hands.

Without knowing you I couldn't say if there are personality reasons behind your trouble finding partners. You could ask your partner again but in a different way (and assuring them you won't get upset) Don't ask "what is wrong with me" but maybe things like am I coming off friendly, do I sound cocky when I am climbing better than them, how is my first impression etc." You might need to learn about your negative qualities (we all have them) and see if they could be affecting your climbing relationships

a couple things that come to mind... they may not even apply to you, so ignore them if they don't.

- if you are depressed, is it showing to them. Most people don't want to be around someone who is a downer, or comes across as whiney

- Do you talk about how good a climbing you are? Do you talk about how attractive/ skinny, etc you are? I tend to prefer to be around more modest people. People who are always talking about how awesome they climb bother me a little (this is different from telling a great climbing story. I'm talking about constantly spraying)


I hope you have more luck. Try not to get depressed... that won't solve anything, and will just make it harder for you.

and feel free to ignore my rambling... what do I know anyways Tongue


erisspirit


Jun 8, 2011, 1:59 PM
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Re: [wonderwoman] please don't judge me [In reply to]
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wonderwoman wrote:
It's time for you to organize some sort of ladies climbing day or invite people over for a potluck. Put yourself out there and don't be afraid of rejection. It sounds like you're expecting judgement and rejection (even by the title of your post) which might taint your perception of what's really going on here. Sometimes you just have to make the first move!


That reminds me of my first few months of climbing:

Fri:
me:" Uhhhh you're not by any chance climbing this weekend are you?
them: "Oh yea... climbing tomorrow meet at 6 am"

wouldn't have been invited otherwise Tongue


kiwiprincess


Jun 8, 2011, 2:26 PM
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You have one great partner. Ask people to join you as a group. This is a less threatening way of getting to know one another than one on one and won't be construed as a date.

if you climb with People with partners ask them to join you for a drink on the way home, or to come over watch movies on a rainy day etc. If they know you too he won't be worried he'll cause himself strife by spending the day with a hot young girl.

Don't hate your self because people don't want to climb with you. It could be something as simple as they have a manic job and climbing is quiet meditative time for them so they just keep to themselves.

Just be your self and keep in touch with those you have been out with before. Climbing is at trust relationship and relationships take time to build. EG: i met my now husband at the climbing gym through friends in common, we would have climbed indoors over 20 times together, and 1 year before he asked me on a climbing trip, and he obviously thought I was nice.

If you are depressed see a counsellor.It can really help you, work out a strategy to break the bad mental dialoge.

best of luck
S


blueivy


Jun 8, 2011, 2:36 PM
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wonderwoman, errisspirit,

Thank you for your input, I will think of it when I reorganize my thoughts these next few days.

I am a modest person (I'm not being modest in my post because I'm voicing the things that I do).
When I began climbing, I was looking for partners without expectations..... but too many times, guys blow me off, and girls, so now I am afraid of rejection.
I'm not generally a depressed person, and when I am feeling down, you would never be able to tell. I'm smart and witty, though I could be shy too.
I'm a strong climber, not as strong as I'd like to be, but strong.... i rarely say that to anyone though. I always keep it to myself.... I know that I am knowledgable and I am safe.

You two are right. people tend to climb in a close knit group, so I shouldn't take it personally. There just seems to be a trend here, so it hurts, ya know? but....I shall reassess who I am and what i'm doing. maybe i'm jaded because of a few bad experiences.


blueivy


Jun 8, 2011, 2:42 PM
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kiwiprincess,

thanks for the husband story, good to hear :-)

you're right about the asking people to join if i'm out climbin with married/taken men. i just never think of it as anything more than climbing. when i climb, i normally prefer just me or my partner, or a small group.... sometimes large groups are fun. and sometimes i do ask my partner to invite others, but maybe i should do it more when it's just me and another guy.


lena_chita
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Jun 9, 2011, 9:42 AM
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Assuming that you aren't a bored troll registering with a new account, it is a heck of a first post. I'll take it as face value for now...

If you are depressed (and in my book, being in tears over something like this seems pretty darn close), then maybe you need to talk to a doctor. Counseling might help, too, with self-confidence issues. Being too scared to ASK someone, and being so hurt by rejection... I don't know, the way you are describing it, it sounds out of proportion, so maybe someone who knows these things can talk you through coping skills, ways to ask, ways to deal with rejection...

Beyond the "medical" stuff, really, this is life. It is hard to find climbing partners that are a good match for anyone, and you are not the only one, even if it seems that way to you. So you have to find a way to overcome the fear of rejection, and the feeling like everyone hates you. Whether you do it with conseling help, or with the help of your few consistent friends or climbing partners-- only you would know.

There are definitely climbers around me who I would like to climb with, but we never do, somehow. We talk about going climbing together, we climb at similar level, but at the end of the day they somehow always go climbing with other people, and I go with others. Different schedules, different preferences for type of climbing, etc. etc. This is NOT all about them not liking me, though of course there might be some who just don't feel that I am a good match for them personality-wise... I am sure there are. But why spend time worrying about it, if you just aren't a good match?

Focus on the positives and try to relax a little bit.

When you meet people at the climbing areas that you go to, make friends. They might not be local to where you live, but if they climb where you climb, they are potentially partners. And if not partners-- hey, they are just cool people that you have met, and might run into again time after time, since you are both climbing at the same place -- wouldn't you like to get to know them? So exchange contact information, hang out together after climbing, stay in touch afterward.

Try socializing with people at the gym outside of just climbing. Organize a potluck. Invite people to go out for beers after climbing. Bring ice-cream or a pan of brownies to the gym.

Make friends with new people who come to the gym. Invite people to go climbing with you.

And meanwhile, treasure and cherish your regular climbing partners.

BTW, you never mentioned a boyfriend. You have one, but he isn't climbing? Is that the reason that you say no to the guys who ask you out after going climbing with you? Or are they all physically repellent? Or you don't believe in casual sex and are waiting for THE ONE? Or prefer girls?


notapplicable


Jun 9, 2011, 3:09 PM
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It probably won't be an instant solution but have you tried the "partners" section on here or other climbing websites?

I was going through a dryspell about a year ago and after climbing with a few people from Rockclimbing.com, I hooked up with a guy who turned out to be a great ropemate (going on a 7 day trip next week) and also introduced me to his small circle of partners. Some of which I have been climbing with ever since.

It's worth a shot.


blueivy


Jun 9, 2011, 3:20 PM
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I have.
That's where I met a few great friends, and a lot of incompatible partners too.
(I meet partners through forums, gyms, and friends.)


kickasssoprano


Jun 10, 2011, 5:57 AM
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When I first started climbing, I had a similar problem- no partners! I began to go to the gym on my own sometimes and if I saw someone who I knew through a current partner, I'd ask if I could tag along for the day. Conversely, if I was with a partner and I saw someone alone, I'd ask if they were climbing with anyone and invite them along if they weren't. I found that this has worked and now, every time there is a climbing trip, I seem to be kept in the loop- also I always have someone to climb with when I end up at the gym.
Good luck!


wonderwoman


Jun 10, 2011, 6:26 AM
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Also, some folks just don't like to climb in groups of 3. I happen to be one of those people. I will only welcome a 3rd if doing single pitch sport climbing or at the gym.


granite_grrl


Jun 11, 2011, 7:57 AM
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wonderwoman wrote:
Also, some folks just don't like to climb in groups of 3. I happen to be one of those people. I will only welcome a 3rd if doing single pitch sport climbing or at the gym.
You spend a lot of your time climbing multipitch stuff too, which I will agree, can be a big pain in the ass.

Often I don't really mind a group of three as long as it's just single pitch stuff, sport climbing makes it super easy, but it's usually not a big deal if it's single pitch trad climbing either.


Partner happiegrrrl


Jun 11, 2011, 10:30 AM
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Funny - I like the dynamic of a 3-person outing. But it might be because I really dislike a day that is what I am terming a "ticking time bomb"(meaning rushing to get in routes as if it's the only chance you'll ever get out). When there's a 3rd, it seems to be a more relaxed day, and also I don't have the greatest social skills, and sometimes(okay...often) feel uncomfortable one-to-one.


To the OP - It might be that your quietness is being misread by some others(who might then relate their opinion to others). Sometimes people think a quiet one is judging THEM!

It does seem, from your post (and I may be misreading the intent), that you might have a little bit of self-esteem issues. Being "more beautiful" and really smart doesn't eliminate that! I climb with a guy who, lookswise, is only a 9.9 on a scale of 1 to 10 because it wouldn't be right to call a person "perfect." He's gorgeous. And quiet. And extremely smart and sophisticated. And, he usually projects an attitude of power. Yet he has some self-esteem issues that seem to keep him feeling separate.... and also the strength that he does portray can be intimidating to some people. I know that when he has met my friends and we go climbing, he really seems to enjoy himself, and opens up in ways he doesn't seem to in a one-on-one(though I have no trouble with him in that dynamic, but...well, I AM a unique snowflake - hahah)

On the "crying over this" being close to depressed... Well, for sure I would be crying if I felt I wasn't wanted, and I am not depressed! But I don't mean to diminish well-intentioned advise from a person who works in the field(as I believe the person who suggested a doctor does).

Where do you live? Why not let us know your area and maybe some of the people here will be happy to get out wit you? I just spent the last week belaying a visiting friend on routes I floundered on, and if you climb at the Gunks, I'll do the same for you.

I think it really CAN be hard when someone isn't hooked up with partners, especially when they see the season slipping into full drive and being without a partner more than they want to be.

As for guys? If they are competent, go climb with them. It isn't YOUR fault if they think they might go for the gold and find you're not interested in anything but climbing. And, not ALL guys just want to get laid or have a g/f. It might sometimes SEEM like that, because one bad apple can the whole basket stinky, if you don't realize it's just one(or two) bad apple(s) in there.... You MIGHT be projecting that.

One thing you might try is volunteering for some local climbing workshop, festival or event. Belay bunny for the Beginner's group, or if you have the skills/experience to teach a class in, say, leading or self-rescue or whatever, then that. You will meet other climbers(leading the workshop) who climb at your level and are connected in the community. Having the "reason to be there" takes pressure off feeling self-conscious too.


drivel


Jun 13, 2011, 7:33 AM
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so, a few thoughts.

First, (not that you need to answer this in the forum, but just think about) where do you live? I went to college in a rural southern area, and there were a fair number of climbers there. But- most of the guys sort of viewed climbing as "man time" and I like boys- the other guys never invited me to go climbing with them because I didn't fit into that dynamic and only a handful of times in three years did any of that core group come with me on trips I organized. And I had to learn to accept that this had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with their personal, valid reasons for wanting to go climbing. And we climbed together very seldom.

Second- are YOU a flake? [you say you haven't been climbing in months.] Because flakiness begets flakiness. I have found that one of the best ways to get people to commit to coming with you on a weekend trip is to yourself commit, steadfastly, by about the Tuesday before. If you say "I wanna go, I will go if you come with me," you will might have a very hard time finding partners unless the person you're asking is the "rock" type. You will have better luck if you're willing to be your own anchor person. Say you're going, and mean it. Pick up partners at the campground or crag (what I did for most of college). [If you're really a solid 5.11 leader you should have NO problem doing this.] Eventually, you will get a reputation for being stable with your trip planning, and sometimes on Thursday night or Friday afternoon, some of those wafflers will commit. But you do still have to invite them.

Finally, if guys won't climb with you because you won't sleep with them, you don't want to climb with them anyway. If you're up front about what you want, you will scare of people who don't want the same things, which is a positive outcome. You will eventually find partners you click with.


(This post was edited by drivel on Jun 13, 2011, 7:34 AM)


lena_chita
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Jun 13, 2011, 7:57 AM
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Good points, drivel!

Happie, I can't claim to know whether someone is depressed or not, but these phrases coaught my eye:

blueivy wrote:
But I am very depressed, and I find myself in tears often ....

I just hate myself because itís so hard for me to find a climbing partner. ....


It could all be just a figure of speech. Some people are more dramatic than others in describing emotions. But I had to put the possibility of real depression as a thing to consider out there.

and this is what got me to think about self-confidence issues:

blueivy wrote:
I havenít climbed in a few months because Iíve been too scared to ask anyone.

Sorry for nit-picking your post, blueivy.

You actually reminded me of someone I know, and I checked your profile to see if you were that person... Don't know, since you didn't provide any info, and it would be too much of a co-incidence, but if your initials are A.N. and we have climbed together before, I will gladly climb with you again, anytime you re-appear in the gym or contact me.


blueivy


Jun 13, 2011, 7:21 PM
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I agree. I don't ask or look forward to tagging along if it's a mp event. Sometimes I'm one of those people who enjoy a two-partner team doing mp.


blueivy


Jun 13, 2011, 7:37 PM
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I have cried because I have not had many partners lately. When I say I'm depressed, I mean that I'm depressed as a result of not having partners, and only for a fraction of my day. Clinically speaking, it's not a depression because it doesn't hinder a healthy lifestyle. I just feel very blue sometimes because climbing is a large part of who I am, and I feel very left out. (not in the cliques)

I have volunteered at the New River Rendezvous before where I met some really cool chics from OH. With these girls, there wasn't any cattiness because we all had this mutual attraction to climb, and to climb only. There were dudes around, but we were too busy putting up routes to give a darn. I couldn't volunteer this year because I had to be in CA. I tried to volunteer at the BANFF film festival, but schedule conflicts prevented that from happening.

Thanks.


blueivy


Jun 13, 2011, 7:44 PM
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I am not a flake. I am very proactive about climbing. I'm always trying to get out and invite people. The problem is that my pool of partners is quickly evaporating. Often, I am the one rounding everyone up. So here's the kicker: locally, the folks I invite to climb.... and I actually play tour guide when I take them out, AND I have the most experience out of all of them.... when they all get together to get out, they don't invite me. (every time I plan to go climb, they're more than willing to with me.)
I don't even bother to converse with them when I see them anymore because I'm taking it personally. I don't think that I should have to ask them if I can tag along, especially after showing them around and answering their questions.


(This post was edited by blueivy on Jun 13, 2011, 7:48 PM)


blueivy


Jun 13, 2011, 7:50 PM
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I am not A.N, but I appreciate your gesture.


wonderwoman


Jun 14, 2011, 7:57 AM
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blueivy wrote:
I don't even bother to converse with them when I see them anymore because I'm taking it personally. I don't think that I should have to ask them if I can tag along, especially after showing them around and answering their questions.

It sounds like you wrote these folks off for good. That will definitely limit your climbing circle.


blueshrimp


Jun 14, 2011, 9:29 AM
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Here's what I did when I was in a similar situation to yours.

When I first moved to Switzerland I discovered outdoors climbing (I was a gym person before) thanks to a coworker of mine. A year later he moved away so I had no one to climb with, and the few people I could find to climb on rare occasions, for whatever reason didn't seem to climb with me again.

I never really bothered to find out why. That takes too much effort which is ultimately unproductive.

Instead, what I did was I organized my own meetup group. I would organize outdoors climbing trips every weekend and posted the existence of such a group in a couple of the Switzerland discussion boards. Before long I had a bunch of people coming to the meetups.

True, I almost never climbed with the same person twice (the group was variegated and different people showed to different outings depending on season, location, or whether Sagittarius has moved into Cancer or whateverhaveyou), but at least I was climbing.

Having just one climbing partner is overrated. It is always best to climb with a variety of people, ideally lots of varied people of all levels and one or two more regular partners close to your climbing level.

But if you can't find the partners, set it up so that the partners find YOU!

How's that for an idea?

Good luck!


erisspirit


Jun 14, 2011, 9:42 AM
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blueivy wrote:
I am not a flake. I am very proactive about climbing. I'm always trying to get out and invite people. The problem is that my pool of partners is quickly evaporating. Often, I am the one rounding everyone up. So here's the kicker: locally, the folks I invite to climb.... and I actually play tour guide when I take them out, AND I have the most experience out of all of them.... when they all get together to get out, they don't invite me. (every time I plan to go climb, they're more than willing to with me.)
I don't even bother to converse with them when I see them anymore because I'm taking it personally. I don't think that I should have to ask them if I can tag along, especially after showing them around and answering their questions.

Again it is possible you are just taking things too personally. Sure it is possible that they don't like climbing with you for whatever reason, and that would be something you would need to figure out on your own... But it's very possible it is entirely innocent.

If they are a lot less experienced maybe they feel like you would be bored on a trip where they plan to only practice on really easy stuff. Only they can say for sure why they don't invite you.

There are many times my friends go on trips and don't invite me... there are many times I go on trips and don't invite them. There are times we each totally space and simply forget each other Tongue It's nothing personal, and it would be a bummer if any of us took it to heart.


caughtinside


Jun 14, 2011, 10:17 AM
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You could always train a n00b. n00bs are usually looking for such an opportunity. Be sure to pick a n00b who really wants it, not just someone looking for one or two saturdays out.


lena_chita
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Jun 14, 2011, 10:38 AM
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blueivy wrote:
I am not a flake. I am very proactive about climbing. I'm always trying to get out and invite people. The problem is that my pool of partners is quickly evaporating. Often, I am the one rounding everyone up. So here's the kicker: locally, the folks I invite to climb.... and I actually play tour guide when I take them out, AND I have the most experience out of all of them.... when they all get together to get out, they don't invite me. (every time I plan to go climb, they're more than willing to with me.)

I don't even bother to converse with them when I see them anymore because I'm taking it personally. I don't think that I should have to ask them if I can tag along, especially after showing them around and answering their questions.

Maybe it is time for a different perspective?

I have quite a few friends like this. They climb at a different level, and rarely, if ever, include me in their trip planning. But they always resond to me, if I send out an E-mail, or ask directly, and are perfectly willing to climb with me if I ask to come along, or if I am the one organizing a trip and including them.

I do not see this as a problem at all and definitely don't see it as a sign of them not liking me. It is understandable that people want to go climbing with others who share similar goals. I ask to go climbing with them if I don't have another choice. And if I do go with them, then the understanding is that we will go to the places where they want to climb, because I can always find something to climb where they are going, but the reverse might not be true.

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