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ember
Nov 1, 2011, 1:01 AM
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Hi ladies, I'm new here. A few days ago my BF and I broke up. This was sudden because as recently as July he was still the sweet person he had been for 2 years and was saying he wanted to marry me.
Anyway, we had both gotten back into climbing together last summer after both having been about 15 years away from it. We were both improving and really enjoyed it.
Now that he is gone not only have I lost my love and my best friend but also my climbing partner. I feel like I have lost so much.
I know eventually I will move on but right now I'm feeling pretty shattered.
This happen to anyone?
thanks, ember
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nessie
Nov 1, 2011, 8:19 AM
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Hi Ember,
I am so sorry to hear about your break up. When I first started climbing I dated my regular climbing partner so obviously when we broke we ended our climbing dates too. This is the period I started bouldering, to make up for the lack of continuous climbing partners available. I've never regretted it because through bouldering I met up with a different set of people. Since then I have had a few different regular partners, all guys, who unfortunately always aimed for more than just climbing(didn't work with me)...But all in all, looking back I can't say that my climbing ever suffered or was seriously set back because of the lack of fixed partners. It took a bit more organising and if no one was available i went bouldering instead.
I hope you find your peace of mind to deal with the break up but honestly, there are always plenty of partners out there and i am pretty sure your climbing won't suffer because of the break up if you don't want it too!
(This post was edited by nessie on Nov 1, 2011, 8:21 AM)
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wonderwoman
Nov 1, 2011, 2:36 PM
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Ember, hang in there and keep climbing! Boys may come and go, but the rock will always be there for you. A former boyfriend got me into climbing. In the end, I discovered that I loved climbing more than I could have ever loved him. If you love climbing, stick with it and focus on what makes you happy in life.
Good luck!
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lena_chita
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Nov 1, 2011, 3:10 PM
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Of course it has happened to other people.
Give yourself time. If it's only been a couple of days, and unexpected for you, you are likely going through a lot right now.
Go to the gym when you feel like it, go bouldering, meet new people. I am sure that new climbing partners will come, and whether or not they will also be your climbing partners, it will all happen in due time.
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clee03m
Nov 1, 2011, 3:12 PM
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Hi, Ember,
I am really sorry about what happened. I have lost various climbing partners over the years, and when they happen to be my main partners, I remember feeling the loss. So I can imagine how much harder that would be when it is also your boyfriend.
I have found that climbing partners are always around. Even when I felt like I would never find another partner who fits my climbing needs as perfectly, other 'perfect' climbing partners would appear.
May be this will be a chance for you to meet more climbing partners and have more options for the future.
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erisspirit
Nov 1, 2011, 4:44 PM
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start bouldering!
2 years ago I fell off a bouldering problem, sprained an ankle, and met the guy standing nearest to me... we've been dating ever since 
hang in there, it will get better. try to be social at the gym, boulder and meet new people. The workout will help get your mind off things, and you might also find some great future partners.
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kiwiprincess
Nov 1, 2011, 7:30 PM
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My Partner (life and climbing) is out for a year with Injury, so I sympathise.
Make sure you mention to people you re keen to go climbing at the gym, so they know.
When starting out I found women's meets a great place to meet people, as well as the local club. Even the social meets are good to grab a few numbers and text them when you're heading out, maybe they'll text you too next.
You'll make friends with a new crew soon enough, Just stick and keep motivated to get out there in the meantime.
Be open to climbing with all sorts. Some of my regular climbing partners are Way out of my age range, different to me, but turned out to be awesome, motivated cool people
Healing thoughts
S
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clumsy
Nov 1, 2011, 7:35 PM
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Sorry to hear about your breakup, Ember!
One word of advice as you look for new climbing partners - make sure that their non-climbing SO are ok with you climbing together ;)
This is how I got into climbing - my DH spent way too much time with his young cute climbing partner.... And I was not ok with it.
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lena_chita
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Nov 1, 2011, 8:23 PM
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clumsy wrote: One word of advice as you look for new climbing partners - make sure that their non-climbing SO are ok with you climbing together ;)
Umm, why should it be Ember's job? IMO it is up to the partner who is climbing with Ember, and his SO to sort it out between the two of them. Either the SO will be O.K. with it, or Ember won't be seeing that partner again...
What exactly can she do, anyway? Call up her prospective partner's SO and say, "Hey, I'm planning on climbing with your boyfriend, but I want you to be sure that I have absolutely no interest in him as a guy, just wanted to let you know, so you aren't worried, or anything..." 
clumsy wrote: This is how I got into climbing - my DH spent way too much time with his young cute climbing partner.... And I was not ok with it.
I see. I hope it works out well for you, and I hope you are at least somewhat enjoying climbing, whatever your motivations for starting were.
If the only way I can keep a guy faithful is by making sure that I am constantly next to him, so he has no chance to be alone with other women, I think the other women are quite welcome to this guy. And good riddance.
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clumsy
Nov 1, 2011, 9:06 PM
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Yep. Ask. It's a right thing to do.
And sorry Ive been married for 18 years and my DH was climbing for years without me. So not the case you are trying to imply ;)
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erisspirit
Nov 1, 2011, 10:10 PM
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lena_chita wrote: clumsy wrote: One word of advice as you look for new climbing partners - make sure that their non-climbing SO are ok with you climbing together ;) Umm, why should it be Ember's job? IMO it is up to the partner who is climbing with Ember, and his SO to sort it out between the two of them. Either the SO will be O.K. with it, or Ember won't be seeing that partner again... What exactly can she do, anyway? Call up her prospective partner's SO and say, "Hey, I'm planning on climbing with your boyfriend, but I want you to be sure that I have absolutely no interest in him as a guy, just wanted to let you know, so you aren't worried, or anything..." clumsy wrote: This is how I got into climbing - my DH spent way too much time with his young cute climbing partner.... And I was not ok with it. I see. I hope it works out well for you, and I hope you are at least somewhat enjoying climbing, whatever your motivations for starting were. If the only way I can keep a guy faithful is by making sure that I am constantly next to him, so he has no chance to be alone with other women, I think the other women are quite welcome to this guy. And good riddance.
I agree with lena_chita on this one.
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clee03m
Nov 1, 2011, 10:48 PM
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clumsy wrote: Yep. Ask. It's a right thing to do. And sorry Ive been married for 18 years and my DH was climbing for years without me. So not the case you are trying to imply ;)
Honestly, I would be a little freaked out if some chick called me up and asked me. I am about as not jealous as it gets, but I think that is really creepy. Like saying she didn't trust what my husband said about me.
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clumsy
Nov 1, 2011, 11:05 PM
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I meant ask the dude if his SO is cool with it.
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erisspirit
Nov 1, 2011, 11:18 PM
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clumsy wrote: I meant ask the dude if his SO is cool with it.
I still have to fall back to it's his responsibility. If his SO isn't ok with him climbing with women, and he is respecting those wishes, the partnership would be a non issue even before this potential female partner even knows if he is single or not.
It makes more sense for him to just avoid roping up with someone his SO won't like than it does for a potential partner to immediately jump into questions like "so are you married? dating? is it ok that we still climb?" I'd feel someone was pretty dang nosy if I knew them for 30 seconds and they are asking about my private life.
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clumsy
Nov 2, 2011, 12:15 AM
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i don't think you make a real partner in 30 sec. The kind you go and spend whole day climbing, the kind you can trust doing multi-pitch climbs etc. It takes a bit more time than that.
Anyway, sorry for sidetracking.
Good luck finding a good partner!
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erisspirit
Nov 2, 2011, 12:31 AM
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clumsy wrote: i don't think you make a real partner in 30 sec. The kind you go and spend whole day climbing, the kind you can trust doing multi-pitch climbs etc. It takes a bit more time than that. Anyway, sorry for sidetracking. Good luck finding a good partner!
no not in 30 second, but if a guy knows his SO doesn't want him climbing with a girl he shouldn't start roping up at the gym or crag with girls... even for 30 seconds... and if she, the future partner doesn't ask at first meeting then when? when is it "real"? she needs to ask this guy if he can climb with her even though they have already been climbing long enough together to become "real" partners?
but yes... that is all off topic, and also matters of opinion which often differ anyways.
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ember
Nov 2, 2011, 1:25 AM
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Yikes. Didn't mean to stir up something, being new and all.
Thanks ladies for your empathy and concern. I plan to go to the gym (small, but exists) this winter to improve my climbing, and if I find partner(s) there that's great. Right now I'm still so sad about losing the guy I thought was the love of my life that it's all I can really think about.
My two cents on the climbing with guys issue: I have worked in a male-dominated profession for years. Often we end up going on work assignments together and even camp out together for work. Many of them have partners back home and for the most part I have never had a problem with either one of us getting the wrong idea. However I'm really sensitive to this...I would probably invite the other person along, even if they didn't climb, and make an effort to get to know them.
thanks again for the support
ember
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granite_grrl
Nov 2, 2011, 2:00 AM
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Hey Ember, I don't have a ton more to add from what other people have said, but if you're truly passionate about climbing then that kind of enthusiasm rubs off on people and makes you a more enjoyable partner.
Just give it a bit of time, don't feel like you have to rush right out and fill the void, but I think you'll find that you'll have a group of people to go climbing with before you know it. :)
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mheyman
Nov 3, 2011, 5:05 PM
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What granite_grrl wrote. Hard for me to imagine a climber not already knowing other climbers. You know how to belay and climb just do it! If you enjoy climbing then I bet it helps get over the other loss.
Sure there will be males who would like more. Isn't that the case everywhere in life? Would you want it any other way?
As for this quote:
clumsy wrote: i don't think you make a real partner in 30 sec. The kind you go and spend whole day climbing, the kind you can trust doing multi-pitch climbs etc. It takes a bit more time than that.
It's not sex. Check out the partners section of this board. When things go well it me takes a PM, an email and a phone call to make arrangements. Time spent is a bit more than 30 seconds, but people often meet and climb, really.
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clumsy
Nov 3, 2011, 6:38 PM
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Sorry, but I don't think I'll trust you to belay me if I don't know your climbing "habits"... Nothing todo with sex either.
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lhwang
Nov 4, 2011, 5:20 AM
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Sorry to hear about the breakup, ember. What you're going through sounds very difficult.
Not to be all Pollyanna on you, but much as I love climbing with my husband, I am so glad to have other climbing partners in my life. Everyone has a slightly different style and approach to things, and I've learned a lot from making sure to climb with different people.
The thing that's worked best for me with getting new climbing partners is climbing with friends of friends. You mention that you started climbing 15 years ago. Any of your friends from back then still climb?
Best of luck.
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ember
Nov 4, 2011, 3:03 PM
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Thanks for your support. Unfortunately it's not as simple as just get out and do it, I wish it was. I don't know other climbers yet, just having moved here a few months ago and just starting back up again this summer. My town is small and the climbing area a ways away. That will take time.
What I meant to convey in my first post, and probably did not do well, not being myself these days, is that it is a loss on so many levels...my love, my best friend, my climbing partner, etc. I think a lot of you can relate.
I don't know anyone I used to climb with so long ago. I've been a "gypsy" and have moved around a lot. Right now the thought of starting over in any of those areas, dating, climbing, etc is just exhausting to me.
Thanks again
ember
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erisspirit
Nov 4, 2011, 6:38 PM
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ember wrote: Thanks for your support. Unfortunately it's not as simple as just get out and do it, I wish it was. I don't know other climbers yet, just having moved here a few months ago and just starting back up again this summer. My town is small and the climbing area a ways away. That will take time. What I meant to convey in my first post, and probably did not do well, not being myself these days, is that it is a loss on so many levels...my love, my best friend, my climbing partner, etc. I think a lot of you can relate. I don't know anyone I used to climb with so long ago. I've been a "gypsy" and have moved around a lot. Right now the thought of starting over in any of those areas, dating, climbing, etc is just exhausting to me. Thanks again ember
it's cliche but as time passes you will feel better. Most of us know what you are going through. I think we only gloss over the emotional side because the only part we can help with is advice on meeting new climbers. It will take time but it will happen if you make it happen (no not easy). After an abrupt end to a 3 yr relationship, I went back to the gym alone and forced myself to be social... it worked wonders. Being busy also sometimes helps get your mind off of it so you can cope with your emotions in doses instead of as a puddle on the floor :P
good luck! (both in climbing/socially and emotionally)
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happiegrrrl
Nov 5, 2011, 1:37 AM
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ember wrote: I don't know anyone I used to climb with so long ago. I've been a "gypsy" and have moved around a lot. Right now the thought of starting over in any of those areas, dating, climbing, etc is just exhausting to me.
It's certainly understandable that you are feeling your world has been turned upside down. It HAS!
And yes, it can be tough going back to square one after having a comfortable arrangement that didn't require the usual hassles that come with climbing with new partners.
If your area has a local online discussion forum, maybe try to get involved with that, which will help you get to know some of the locals, even if only via internet for the start.
You might also post here in the partners section and see who turns up.
And there's always the potential for a road trip.... Montana must be getting sort of cold these days. Come to Joshua Tree in the winter and you will find people from the world over to climb with! I', headed that way myself right now.
Good luck!
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Gmburns2000
Nov 5, 2011, 1:48 PM
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Sorry to hear about your breakup and best of luck with regards to moving on. However, this happens to lots of climbers, and not just via breakups. I've had several climbing partners simply move away to other locations. Finding new partners is simply a part of climbing. My advice is to embrace this opportunity now, because even though it will always suck to lose a climbing partner (romantic or otherwise), the more you get yourself out there the easier it will be to find new partners.
Again, this comes from someone who has both lost partners due to them moving far, far away and from me moving far, far away. Cultivating climbing relationships is tough, but a required skill (in my opinion).
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