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A poem I wrote about fitness: looking for feedback!
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wakeupjack


Sep 2, 2012, 5:00 PM
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Registered: Sep 2, 2012
Posts: 1

A poem I wrote about fitness: looking for feedback!
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My health is a guide, shine
-ing through the night
Like a beacon it leads me
To the rocks on the bay
My destination there holds strong
Held mighty high above the rocks
Against the winds of ill
Who fell forlorned


iknowfear


Sep 3, 2012, 6:48 AM
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Registered: Sep 8, 2004
Posts: 640

Re: [wakeupjack] A poem I wrote about fitness: looking for feedback! [In reply to]
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wakeupjack wrote:
My health is a guide, shine
-ing through the night
Like a beacon it leads me
To the rocks on the bay
My destination there holds strong
Held mighty high above the rocks
Against the winds of ill
Who fell forlorned

sorry, it does not quite measure up to previous rockclimbing.com poetry greatness:

http://www.rockclimbing.com/...i?post=867804#867804


dynosnore


Sep 11, 2012, 1:53 PM
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Registered: Jul 17, 2012
Posts: 18

Re: [wakeupjack] A poem I wrote about fitness: looking for feedback! [In reply to]
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Nice job! As a critique... using the word rocks twice doesn't sound good to me. Maybe come up with a synonym the second time to avoid redundancy


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