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traddad
Jan 12, 2004, 2:11 PM
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OK....I'm a guy, I'm 6'5" and weigh close to 200lbs. I want to drop a little weight to get back down to my "fighting weight" but every time I mention dropping a few lbs, my wife goes ballistic. "What do you have to complain about?" sez she. She thinks that my concern about weight is obsessive, but really, I could loose 15 lbs and not touch muscle. I've gone from 180 to 200 in the last 3 years because of inactivity.
She gained some weight when she had out daughter 4 years back and can't seem to drop it and now it has become a sore point. How do I respect her feelings but still drop the weight?
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kathy
Jan 12, 2004, 2:41 PM
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Try doing it without letting her know - I mean make the effort but don't make a song and dance about it - she might not even notice - its if you get all smug about it that it might upset her - you know - if you go on and on about how good you feel about losing the weight, it might accentuate how bad she feels about not managing to do so herself!
And, i think, that it is the cruel twist of fate that men find it easier to lose weight then woman... :evil:
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traddad
Jan 12, 2004, 3:08 PM
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In reply to: And, i think, that it is the cruel twist of fate that men find it easier to lose weight then woman... :evil:
Rigth-O. A BIG sore point, there.
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tonithegreat
Jan 12, 2004, 8:39 PM
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I agree with Kathy- just work out more on the QT and don't mention it. Unless you think she might be hurt by that, too. . . Might it be a good idea to ask her if she wants to do some extra working out with you? I can see how that might be a sore point, too, but it might also be safer to err on the side of too much communication, rather than too little.
Your post worries me though! I'm 6'5" also, and after breaking my toe a few months ago, I'm up to 180 lbs for the first time in my life. It's only a gain of 5-10 lbs, but it's not the 5-10 lbs of muscle that I should have put on in those months. And if an experienced climber _guy_ of my height wants to weigh 180. . . I should probably be below that, even with muscle!
:oops:
Yeah, us ladies. . . We aren't psycho about weight at all. . .
Toni
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traddad
Jan 12, 2004, 8:54 PM
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In reply to: Your post worries me though! I'm 6'5" also, and after breaking my toe a few months ago, I'm up to 180 lbs for the first time in my life. It's only a gain of 5-10 lbs, but it's not the 5-10 lbs of muscle that I should have put on in those months. And if an experienced climber _guy_ of my height wants to weigh 180. . . I should probably be below that, even with muscle!
Thirteen years of bike racing did a number on my legs. I was at 10% bodyfat at 180 lbs...and that was 4 years of weight lifting ago. I'm not TOO worried about being heavy...it's just the fat I've put on.....
I cherish my wife and NEVER would want to make her think she wasn't attractive to me...
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maculated
Jan 12, 2004, 10:31 PM
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One thing I know that a lot of couples like to do is lose weight together. You could do it subtley by just suggesting she go on walks with you in the evening, get bicycles, etc . . . if she REALLY wants to lose the weight, you guys could go to the gym together.
Otherwise, do it sneaky-like. When she notices, just tell her that it was about YOU not her. She should understand that.
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macherry
Jan 12, 2004, 11:12 PM
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Weight can be a sticky topic. I found it hard to lose weight after two kids. I was always thin until the kids came along. My husband was and is always skinny, but not in good, athletic shape. When i started working out and stopped eating crap, I didn't say a word to him. One day he noticed, out of the blue, that i was getting in shape. It inspired him to start getting in shape. Just start doing it on your own and for yourself. You can't do it for anyone else. You might be her inspirations
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gblauer
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Jan 13, 2004, 2:22 PM
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I agree with maculated. Do it together. Start moving more, eating less (more healthy?) and don't necessarily say a thing about it. Continue to tell your wife how much you cherish her (just the way she is).
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cantbuymefriends
Jan 13, 2004, 3:23 PM
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[quote="kathy"]Try doing it without letting her know - I mean make the effort but don't make a song and dance about it -In reply to: Ah, I wish my GF would give me that courtesy... :wink: She's been on and on about it for the 5+ years that we've been together, that "she really should lose 10 lb." But I'm just sooo fed up with the all talk-no action about it. I have never said a word about it, because I know it can be a touchy subject. But one of these days I just gonna snap! I just want to say "Listen, if you don't want to lose weight, it's fine with me. But if you really want to, could you please stop the endless yapping about it, and try and do something about it instead?" :x But I just don't know how to say it... :wink: :wink:
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unabonger
Jan 14, 2004, 2:05 PM
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TradDad,
If she's really angry about this, her anger is misplaced.
I'd be disapointed if someone I love and that loves me gets upset because I want to improve myself.
I'm a few % points over my usual fighting wieght right now, and my SO is in fantastic shape and getting in even better shape. I'm nothing but psyched for her. Her fitness and mine are two separate things.
The UnaBonger
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flagpolewizard
Feb 18, 2004, 7:32 PM
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I wish I knew what to do with this one, I've had this problem with most of my relationships, or I should say they have, I work out alot, I do it for me, but reguardless it isn't optional for me its a life or death kind of thing, I'm 6'3" 185 or so and something under 5% body fat, the thing is, I don't go for anorexic looking women (they feel like a trash bag full of chicken bones when you hug them), lean and athletic is fine, but a couple extra pounds is better than a couple pounds missing in my book, at first they like how I look, and they sort of trip out about how I look like one of those muscle diagrams with no skin, it doesn't matter to me, I'm a function over form kind of guy so as long as I'm getting stronger in the gym I couldn't care less how I look, but after a little while, its like they get down on themselves and then they start resenting me, I've never thought or said anything about their weight, as long as I get treated good I really am happy, and I'm good at not setting it off, but it seems like eventually it becomes and issue for them no matter what I do, not always but often
biggest down side to having almost no body fat, being cold, I'm good at staying warm, but getting thrown into cold water is hell, I'm a sucker for cuddling, warm bodies beat warm coats any day
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kimmyt
Feb 18, 2004, 7:42 PM
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And swimming. *grin* I got the joy of watching a pool full of low-body fat types try and float in a lifeguarding class I helped with. Amusing, and a bit self-gratifying for me to say the least.
As to the questions itself, my own suggestion (and it is a suggestion, I think that in the end you're going to have to judge your situation personally and choose a way to do it that will not upset your wife...you know her and we don't, after all) is that you begin to make some subtle changes in your lifestyle to lose the weight. DOn't exactly go hardcore, or keep it a secret. Just make the changes necessary to lose the weight or get in shape. If she notices and asks, tell her what you're doing. Have a discussion about it. Ask her why she is uncomfortable with you losing weight, explain your thoughts behind doing so, and attempt to explain how your weight has nothing to do with her attractiveness. This can be a tricky thing, as weight is a very personal issue with many women. I don't know how I would feel if I was a bit overweight and my SO suddenly started losing weight...I would probably feel unattractive, insecure, and angry. Unattractive and insecure because I would probably worry that with this newfound interest in physical fitness my SO would suddenly want someone who is physically fit. It sucks to think of your SO hanging out with a bunch of fit, muscular women. Angry because I would feel as though I was pressured to lose the weight too, and nothing makes me angrier than feeling I am being forced to do something that I should make up my mind to do on my own.
In some ways, for couples who are both a bit overweight, it feels like that is a bond between you. When one partner suddenly changes his/her fitness level, the other may feel betrayed.
Again, this is all my own opinion. But good luck with your weight loss, and I hope your wife knows what a great guy she has, to be so worried about her feelings in this!!
K.
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katydid
Feb 18, 2004, 8:19 PM
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Weight is deceptive. When I was at my fighting weight (135lbs/12.5% body fat ... ah, those were the days ...) I was considered overweight by most "insurance" weight charts.
Sounds like you might want to try discussing losing body fat rather than weight -- that way it comes across as a health thing rather than an "I want to be skinny" thing.
k.
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moabbeth
Feb 19, 2004, 12:23 AM
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In reply to: I just want to say "Listen, if you don't want to lose weight, it's fine with me. But if you really want to, could you please stop the endless yapping about it, and try and do something about it instead?" :x But I just don't know how to say it... :wink: :wink:
I think you said it perfectly....after 5 years of listening to that crap, you've more than earned the right to be brutally honest. :wink:
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mreardon
Feb 19, 2004, 3:31 PM
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Don't be subtle about it, don't hide it. Be blunt. You want to get back into fighting shape and you're going for it. Have her join you on walks after dinner. Send her out for a walk of her own while you watch the kid, More than anything, pay attention to what she wants for herself and be supportive of it as well. This means that if you're eating differently at dinner, encourage her to do the same WITH you. If you're cranking off a hundred sit-ups, have her do a handful of them WITH you.
Before you know it, both of you are having a blast and enjoying each other's company because there's less television, and more personal time with each other and the kid. :D
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blackmountaineer
Feb 19, 2004, 5:26 PM
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In reply to: "What do you have to complain about?" sez she.
Oh...how many times have I heard that! This is not just a male/female issue. I have a lot of female friends who are overweight by any standard and they say that to me every time I appear to be doing anything to watch my weight. If I let them make me feel bad, I'd be fat, frankly. Misery loves company. Don't get sucked in.
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dawnawanna
Feb 26, 2004, 4:21 AM
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I think the bigest issue here may just be you're wife's insecurity about her body after having a baby. I know I sure was, and I didn't even gain very much weight. I looked the same after having a baby as I did before, but I felt different and it's not just the weight. Having a baby causes other changes to your body as well. It's bizarre, I never worried about my weight until after I had a baby. I think the best thing is to just keep telling your wife that she's great (like you've been doing), and make some changes to your lifestyle. I would also reiterate that this is about health not looks. Who knows, maybe she'll join you.
Good Luck!
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missedyno
Feb 26, 2004, 2:02 PM
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it's a strange thing, weight perceptions and being female...
i know i'm not heavy, i'm probably even what some people consider thin... but if i weigh myself and i've gained weight (even a couple pounds) i'm not happy. i tell myself it's water weight from the monthly cycle, or it's muscle from climbing... but deep down i'm still not happy.
don't know why i care about those numbers so much... takes a lot to pretend i don't and when it realllly comes down to it, sure as heck i do...
:?
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mcheshi
Feb 26, 2004, 4:46 PM
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I don’t know if anyone has read any of my other posts, but I believe a few of them mention my weight and it’s not hard to tell that it is a moody matter with me. I’m often very unclear about how I feel about the way I look… I wasn’t always like that, but my parents took away any control I had so I took control of what I could to mess with their minds. It worked splendidly but somewhere along the line, I suppose it got to my head, which resulted in me thinking that I really was fat. Which resulted in going to the doctor, getting diagnosed with anorexia, eating every two hours, meddlesome shrinks (I refuse to call them counselors) who think they can fix your problem, and my boyfriend telling me I need to gain weight because “Mieke, it just doesn’t look good.” Well, there were other reasons but I won’t mention those ;). Regardless, it was a just a big chain reaction.
If your wife wants to join you in losing weight that is fine, but never make her feel like she needs too. Looking in the mirror and seeing 20 pounds that aren’t really there is not something I look forward to in the morning, though really it’s worse when I have a day when I actually feel that the weight isn’t there and I feel so delicate and anemic. (ahh… the joys of being 14 eh?) But seriously, never make her feel like she needs to lose the weight.
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adventureman
Feb 26, 2004, 5:02 PM
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In reply to: And, i think, that it is the cruel twist of fate that men find it easier to lose weight then woman... :evil:
Ya know what's funny is that for my wife and I, the opposite holds true. She drops weight like nothing, and she can eat just about anything she wants. As soon as she hits the gym...*boom*...extra fat is gone. Myself, I ride my bike to and from work and the gym every day (about 12 miles a day), lift weights and run twice and week and climb in the gym twice a week and I'm still having trouble getting rid of these last 5-10lbs of fat around my waistline.
I don't think it's so much gender-specific (although that *is* a factor) but it's also person-specific...it's all about your metabolism an the genetics you got stuck with. :roll:
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flagpolewizard
Feb 26, 2004, 6:40 PM
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one other thing I'll throw out, I work just as hard to gain weight and keep it on as anyone does to lose it, so the grass is always greener, it sucked trying to get a date in highschool when I only weighed 100 lbs and I looked like I was ten, I've never been unhappy with myself, but I've always worked to improve, I think the biggest reason why I see so many people fall short of their goals is that they set extrenal goals, like they want to look a certain way, or lose a certain amount of weight, but your weight fluctuates and the way you look is very subjective, but if you set a goal competing against yourself, like say do 20 pull ups, or even do one, your more likely to get there because its just you and your goal, so how you feel about the rest of your life and the world doesn't matter as much, and its completely natural to get there and instantly say, I bet I could do more, and if you sort of keep it to yourself, you become your own cheer leader
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adventureman
Feb 26, 2004, 6:42 PM
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In reply to: ...if you set a goal competing against yourself, like say do 20 pull ups, or even do one, your more likely to get there because its just you and your goal, so how you feel about the rest of your life and the world doesn't matter as much, and its completely natural to get there and instantly say, I bet I could do more, and if you sort of keep it to yourself, you become your own cheer leader
Very good point; this is the type of thing I try to do myself.
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