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diggum
Nov 12, 2004, 3:50 PM
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I'm gettin a LOT OF SHIT from my husband about the time I spend climbing. I've tried & tried to get him to come with me, but he finds it dull. I try to explain to him that the time I spend climbing is spiritual & helps my mental well-being. Without it, I am miserable...but he is feeling like the only time I am happy is when I am away from him. Which...might be true...in a way. I'm not certain.
So I find myself gazing longingly at *others*. Not even necessarily at climbers. I've nearly moved out already & I'm finding it increasingly difficult to stay happy with someone of his...um...inactivity level.
I know I will get nailed for this post, but I'm wondering if anyone out there has a divorce under their belt from a similar experience, or if there is some good advice to overcome these feelings.
-D-
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taino
Nov 12, 2004, 4:04 PM
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Been there.
Got divorced.
That's all I'm willing to put online; drop me a PM for anything else.
T
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pinktricam
Nov 12, 2004, 4:10 PM
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Sounds like somebody could really use your...er, counseling there, T :wink:
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taino
Nov 12, 2004, 4:23 PM
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In spite of your sarcasm, PTC, I'm a staunch supporter of marriage.
However, I'm willing to discuss the possibility of divorce as a real option, rather than say it's a sin and guilt-trip people into staying with something that's unhappy/unhealthy/dangerous.
Not that you'd do that, of course. :wink:
T
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elvislegs
Nov 12, 2004, 4:36 PM
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marriage is so strange.
i have no advice for you other than pick a direction an go with it. indecision will eat you alive.
trust me. i know of what i speak.
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costellobr
Nov 12, 2004, 9:05 PM
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very sad situation. Marriage is give and take, but i could never give up climbing for another person. is there any way that you can make him understand and have compassion for the joy that it brings you.
would you be happy giving up climbing to make him happy?
i'm divorced too, but not because of climbing, just basically growing apart in general.
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tgreene
Nov 12, 2004, 9:12 PM
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My wife was looking/reading over my shoulder last night as I was surfing around here on RC, and she casually said, "I'll probably try climbing with you again, next time you go." :shock:
She has gone full circle on the excuses & comments, but actually decided to rope up when we were at Devils Tower. At the time she said she actually really enjoyed herself, but a couple of weeks later, said she lied to make me feel good... :( I've really never brought it up to her again, but she knew that my brothers were looking forward to me taking them in a couple of weeks, during a family reunion. Anyhow, she wants to go with us now, so I'm all happy and shit! 8^)
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arrettinator
Nov 12, 2004, 9:47 PM
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My wife came out w/ us once to the New.
Didn't climb though.
Mainly didn't want to start out in front of a bunch of people she didn't know.
She did go on a 70 mile backpacking trip w/ me when we were dating, though.
She enjoyed that. It's the physical part she's not too confident w/.
Now that the baby is here, I don't see either of us climbing for a while.
She's not too keen on me climbing, but knows that I'm safe and the people I climb w/ are safe.
Some day she will probably try it out, when the little one is big enough to go and she feels confident.
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iltripp
Nov 12, 2004, 10:03 PM
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I think it really sucks for him to give you a guilt trip about climbing and doing something you care about. However, you alluded to the fact that maybe you do enjoy getting away from him. Maybe he sense that and it's why he has such a hard time with you going out climbing.
Also, I got curious and clicked your profile:
In reply to: New to climbing, currently doing gym & looking for wise wing to firmly place myself under
So, if you are still new to climbing and only climbing in a gym, just how important is climbing to you? This isn't to say that you should give it up just because you are new to it, but you should ask yourself if it is just a new hobby you enjoy, or something you are really passionate about. Who knows, you might get bored with climbing in a month or two and then you'll have no husband.
From my own experience, I would say that there is more to play in this conflict than just the climbing. I really don't think he would care about your climbing if there weren't other issues present as well, especially since you said you are looking at "others" and don't want to be with someone so inactive. As I said above, maybe you are looking elsewhere and he senses that. That makes him feel insecure so he lashes out at the time you spend climbing. Basically, what I'm saying is that if he feels loved in other ways, he might not be jealous of you going out to climb.
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shortfatoldguy
Nov 12, 2004, 11:31 PM
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In reply to: From my own experience, I would say that there is more to play in this conflict than just the climbing. |
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verticallaw
Nov 13, 2004, 2:44 AM
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suks girl. Been there done that, not too many places to go from where you are. My ex hated my climbing and grew to be very jelous of it. she woudl not accept that to me climbing is my way to give back to myself......without it I don't have enough "me" for anyone. In fact every non climber that I have dated has usually had a problem with it as well (maybe why I will only date a climber now). I don't know your situational details but if your partner cannot support somthing that you are passionate about then there are problems deeper than climbing.
good luck
Mike
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overlord
Nov 13, 2004, 8:49 AM
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thats the ongoing dillema.
do you stick with them despite them not being climbers??? well, i have so far and dont regret it. but mine is sweet enough not to give me ahard time about it. well, i trained her well :twisted:
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sevrdhed
Nov 13, 2004, 12:40 PM
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Just tell him that the time you're spending climbing could be time spent cheating on him if he keeps hassling you. :D
Steve has nothing constructive to add.
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overlord
Nov 13, 2004, 3:11 PM
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In reply to: Just tell him that the time you're spending climbing could be time spent cheating on him if he keeps hassling you. :D
and hes stupid enough to think the two cant be combined :wink:
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diggum
Nov 15, 2004, 3:59 PM
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True that I haven't been climbing for long, but it quickly became an obsession (as it has a tendancy to do I've noticed). I've actually been outside a lot since I started. I'm lucky to have found a wonderful and safe mentor who's been climbing for 30+ years. So with his help, I'm already leading & learning trad...but that is beside the point.
Yes, there is much more to it than just climbing. I thought that would be implied. I actually began as a way to have something to get my mind off of being unhappy in my marriage. And it helped for a bit... :roll:
We have gone to counselling, but he is utterly happy. He loves me & our life together. And I'm a chicken sh!t & cannot tell him that it is HIM.
The messy part is that we have a 9 month old daughter. I never wanted kids...he did...I love her very much, but...
I feel trapped. I'm wild. Always have been.
So I guess there is no advice to give someone like me. I essentially know what must be done I just don't have the balls to do it.
Thanks all...
D
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dlintz
Nov 15, 2004, 5:50 PM
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Wow, my story is very similar to yours. I'm not divorced yet but there's not doubt it will happen in the next few months. Counseling is the way to go. I thought going together would help but it turns out she didn't even want to do that with me so I go alone.
For me it wasn't the climbing itself, but rather the fact that I had a deep interest in something outside of our relationship (she doesn't enjoy climbing at all.) I felt there was balance and she didn't. Guilt trips and resentment ensued.
As elvislegs said, "pick a direction and go with it." Sounds like you know where it's headed and if you truly believe that's the best path then do it. Good luck.
d.
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shortfatoldguy
Nov 15, 2004, 11:38 PM
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In reply to: The messy part is that we have a 9 month old daughter. I never wanted kids...he did...I love her very much, but... I feel trapped. I'm wild. Always have been.
You have my sympathy. Splitting up with kids with horrendous. Maybe individual counseling is the ticket now.
It's hard to believe that someone could be genuinely happy and in a good relationship if the other person is so unhappy. I don't find it hard to believe that someone might say or even believe that they were happy. But someone who's in tune with his/her partner is going to see the unhappiness--and feel it him/herself.
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