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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 5:57 PM
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The Princess and the Frog
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 6:10 PM
Post #77 of 115
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/amber's feeble attempt at being fair to the boys/
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't b*tch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
******** And now it's time for a rebuttal
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my d*ck.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 6:31 PM
Post #78 of 115
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spyder, thanks for the nod ..
pinnacle, keep 'em coming girl .. you're killing me!!
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pinnaclechick
Sep 6, 2002, 6:34 PM
Post #79 of 115
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Clymbr_chk.. These are good.. wonder why the guys aren't responding? Oh hey wait! I know!! GUILTY!!!
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 6:38 PM
Post #80 of 115
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LOL .. hahah . I think we've scared them off .. *rolling* .. big tough guys scared off by some sillly little girls being funny
pppppfffffftttttttt
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spydermonkey
Sep 6, 2002, 6:48 PM
Post #81 of 115
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I kant spiel write bcause i'M laughing to haerd!!!!!!!
spyder
You gals are awsome!!!
We are guilty!!!
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wantstrength
Sep 6, 2002, 6:51 PM
Post #82 of 115
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Registered: Aug 30, 2002
Posts: 4
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Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
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spydermonkey
Sep 6, 2002, 6:56 PM
Post #83 of 115
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Interesting place to post your first response. hehehehe, good one though!
spyder
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 6:57 PM
Post #84 of 115
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touche .. and while we're on naked/sex jokes ..
30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
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pinnaclechick
Sep 6, 2002, 6:59 PM
Post #85 of 115
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HeeHee..
What else ya got, Wantstrength?
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spydermonkey
Sep 6, 2002, 7:01 PM
Post #86 of 115
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hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahzhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to funny!
I love you!
spyder
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 7:03 PM
Post #87 of 115
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/another feeble attempt at being fair/
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
One puzzled student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
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wantstrength
Sep 6, 2002, 7:07 PM
Post #88 of 115
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Registered: Aug 30, 2002
Posts: 4
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Why is it that women lie about everything..
..you wear high heels..you aint that tall..
you dye your hair..it aint that color...
you wear miracle bras..your boobs aint that big...you wear a girdle..you aint that skinny..you wear makeup..you aint that good lookin...you get your nail done...they aint that long...geez...
explain that to me...BABY....
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 7:32 PM
Post #89 of 115
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*************
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a shit.
**************
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die."
****************
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
*********************
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
*********************
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
********************
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 7:39 PM
Post #90 of 115
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Question
Dear Tech Support:
Help!! Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this general purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!
Signed Jane
Answer
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time "favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flo wers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran.
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities an really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in the coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Sincerely,
Tech Support
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coach
Sep 6, 2002, 8:10 PM
Post #91 of 115
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Registered: May 11, 2001
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Spyder said we could try to defend ourselves here but I think discretion is the better part of valor now and wave the white flag.
Peace (PLEASE)
Climb On
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 8:17 PM
Post #92 of 115
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coach, does this help ..
UPGRADING TO WIFE 1.0
Last year, a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving few system resources for other applications.
He is also now noticing that the Wife 1.0 is also spawning child-processes, which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5, and PubNite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before). Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and>the Brother-In-Law (Beta) is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features that my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
1. A "Don't Remind Me Again!" button.
2. Minimize button.
3. Ability to delete the "headache" file
4. An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss of other system resources.
5. An option to run the network driver in "Promiscuous Mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself, wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must run uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
*** VIRUS ALERT ***
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "Insufficient Resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and NEVER run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems. FYI:
Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 8:29 PM
Post #93 of 115
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~Beauty of a Woman~
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman Is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows.
The beauty of a woman
With passing years -- only grows.
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 8:31 PM
Post #94 of 115
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Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.
- Maya Angelou
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coach
Sep 6, 2002, 8:33 PM
Post #95 of 115
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Registered: May 11, 2001
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Amber,
I learned a long time ago that the easiest way to settle any argument with my wife was to use those three little words:
YOUR'E RIGHT HONEY!
Climb On
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 9:02 PM
Post #96 of 115
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LOL .. now, why cant i find a smart man like that?!
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coach
Sep 6, 2002, 9:19 PM
Post #97 of 115
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Amber,
They are out there, just keep looking. Having met you I know you will find one, probably on a climbing trip when you least expect it!
Climb On
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coach
Sep 6, 2002, 9:20 PM
Post #98 of 115
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Hey, are you going to be able to make it down this weekend? I'm out of here at 8:00 PM heading north.
Climb On
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climbingpride
Sep 6, 2002, 9:21 PM
Post #99 of 115
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*wonders how many posts Climberchick got out of this thread alone*
I just want to know how did you get all of that? Bad relationships? E-mail from friends? Whatever it is it's .
*does not want to bother defending himself*
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calamity_chk
Sep 6, 2002, 9:26 PM
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lol .. pride, you's got the wrong chickie .. the spelling you got there is for my girl erica .. .. hasnt anyone warned you about calling a girl by the wrong name .. lol ... and the posts came mostly from email .. we'll leave the origins of the implied bitterness alone .. hehehe .. but today was a good day for some ranting, lol ..
[ This Message was edited by: clymbr_chk on 2002-09-06 14:32 ]
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