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gobennyjo
Oct 6, 2010, 10:44 PM
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gobennyjo
Oct 6, 2010, 10:47 PM
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btw mods, move this if it should be in camground......not that you need my persmission too.
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gblauer
Moderator
Oct 6, 2010, 10:58 PM
Post #3 of 41
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So many questions.
YOu are so young and you have a LIFETIME ahead of you. If I could do it all over, I would toss everything aside and go have fun for a few years. Live cheap, have fun, gain life experience. Then, when it's getting dull, I would re-assess my situation. Go to school? Start my business back up? stay on the road like a dirt bag? All options.
So, bottom line: sell the ring on ebay/craigslist or go back to the jeweler and tell them that she said "no" and get your money back. Hit the road, have fun and write lots of trip reports so the corporate types like me can live vicariously through youngsters like you.
PS Let me know when you are going to swing through the gunks!
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bearbreeder
Oct 6, 2010, 11:04 PM
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all you need to do is answer 3 questions
1. do you love her?
2. does she climb?
3. do you love climbing more than you love her is she doesn't?
its that simple ... lol
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Gmburns2000
Oct 6, 2010, 11:08 PM
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I don't think it should be in campground. The climbing life is an important part of climbing.
There are a lot of answers to your questions, but unfortunately only you know what they are, even when you don't think you do. I'll try to shed some light, and hopefully others can, too.
1) You're young. There is a lot of time for anything, and that includes climbing and / or getting married.
2) College is important. If you can stick it out and climb on breaks then that is a good thing. I know several people who have managed to do a shitload of awesome, big-time climbing while still in school. Some of them came out of school and realized that climbing wasn't something they wanted to do full-time (i.e. - be a dirtbag), so they pursued greater studies and made climbing and important part of their non-working life. I know others who did the opposite. At least give yourself the chance to have the education first, then you'll be in a better place to decide later on what you really should be doing.
3) It sounds as if you're in damn good financial shape (i.e. - you have skills that can make you money and you have no debt). Your skills can be used in a lot of places, but if you own your own construction company then it can sometimes be difficult to establish yourself with realtors or contractors when you move around a lot. Think about how you want to make money and where you want to spend it. You have flexibility, so be sure to use it wisely.
4a) Don't hesitate to follow your heart. I wish I had when I was your age, but I didn't know enough about myself then to do so.
4b) Time is on your side. Just because you don't know what you're doing now it doesn't mean it'll be all over in a few years if you don't decide now. I'm a good example of this. I got sucked into the corporate / marriage black hole only to realize I wasn't ready for it yet. I'm 35 and just quit my job to follow my own dreams.
5) What would I do? I'd stay in school, use my business to generate income when I wasn't in school, climb as much as my free time allowed, and ditch the ring. You're 20. If this were 1950 then you'd be married. It's 2010. I know people who didn't get married and start having kids until they were in their late 30s. You're fine.
The question is, what do you want to do? Whatever that is, then that's what you should probably do. The consequences will always be there regardless of what you decide, so it's just a matter of which ones you're willing to live with.
Good luck (and shit dude, if you've got that much gear then come to Chile and let's go do some stuff in Cochamo Valley eh?  )
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karmiclimber
Oct 6, 2010, 11:18 PM
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gobennyjo wrote: So to throw my life out a bunch of random people here it goes. I'm 20 years old, have been seriously dating someone for over two years now and bought a diamond ring. I was planning on getting engaged this month. I've decided that all of that has been a stupid idea and that is forcing me to give up my climbing aspirations. I've taken a couple trips to Yosemite, I live in South Carolina, and gotten to do some climbing in Alaska, but climbing and this relationship are not really working. So I'm almost done with my freshman classes for mechanical engineering, and I have taken some welding courses. I run my own construction business, I’ve built a house ground up in 8 weeks in Alaska with two of my employees, I have a fully paid for work truck (with 14mpg  ), and have a pretty big sum of my own tools. I’ve managed to save up 10,000 dollars through work and even landed a scholarship that will help out with school for the next year. Everything I have, I have paid for on my own. My parents are anything but wealthy; in fact my dad is going through bankruptcy right now and owes me 3 grand on top of everything else. As for climbing gear I own almost two full trad racks, more kinds of ropes than I need, and everything you need for clean aid and ascending. I even have a haul bag and a homemade portaledge, which actually works. Hell, now that I think about it I have some crampons and an ice axe from an Alaska idea that didn’t work out. As you can probably tell I aspire to be a big wall climber. I've done the Lost Arrow Spire and Washington Column, but this relationship has lead to the demise of my larger goals. Instead of getting outside every week, I am very happy if I get out once a month. My climbing lead has dropped to 5.9 and I would be very pleased if I could follow a 5.11 So here is the question. Your 20 years old, have 10,000 dollars, no payments on anything, all the climbing gear you need, a construction business and a diamond ring: Would you hop in the truck tomorrow and watch 40 west roll by until you see California, go find the answers to life at camp 4, and use your diamond ring as a silver mashhead on an aid route up El Cap? Or stick around for another semester until the summer comes and spend it climbing and make no money for school? Or watch the years fly by and realize all your rope will ever be used for again is top-roping your kids? Anybody looking for a serious partner with some gear or got a long road trip planned? So what would you do?
Why do you have to give up climbing to be engaged? I agree with the other guys who say you are really young. Even though it sounds like you've got it all together. When I was 20, I almost got engaged, but there was something in my heart that screamed "No! I need adventure first." So I followed that instead, and I have no regrets. Now, at 29, I am happily engaged...I keep up with my climbing and my fiance keeps up with his hockey. No healthy relationship, forces you to give up what you love (except for kids haha, but you don't have to worry about that for now).
(This post was edited by karmiclimber on Oct 6, 2010, 11:24 PM)
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erisspirit
Oct 6, 2010, 11:21 PM
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you are only 20... if you have doubts now... marriage obviously isn't a great idea... You will have time for that later.
I'm not even the same person I was when i was 20. Go do whatever adventure you want to while you have no real responsibilities to anyone but yourself, you will learn so much about yourself and what you want in life during the process... And maybe get a lot stronger too :P
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chrisJoosse
Oct 7, 2010, 12:08 AM
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Hm. All I have to say to you is that you've got your shit waaay more together than I did when I was 20.
I got married when I was 34. Being married has been really, really good for me- but I'm glad I waited. I got to spend 10 years paying off my grad school loans, building a career, figuring out who I am, kayaking, adventuring, all that. I don't think I would have been as happy being married then as I am now.
If it was me, I'd take advantage of the school opportunities you have now- it gets harder to do school later, when you have other responsibilities- and school can open doors later on. I'd keep the ring in my pocket until the thought of using it brought me tears of joy instead of dread.
You have time. Whatever your relationship situation, make it work in support of your dreams- you won't really feel alive unless you do.
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west_by_god_virginia
Oct 7, 2010, 12:14 AM
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erisspirit wrote: you are only 20... if you have doubts now... marriage obviously isn't a great idea... You will have time for that later.
+1
figure out yourself first. realize you dont need anyone but yourself, then find a complimentary partner.
but if you really wanna get hitched, get a Prenuptial agreement.
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boymeetsrock
Oct 7, 2010, 1:29 AM
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I would agree that if you are uncertain now, then you should wait. As to what to do with the wait time...
I think you should assess what you want to do in the long run. Is your schooling necessary for that goal? There are very many things to learn in college, not all of them academic. That said there are many people who are very successful financially and personally in life with little to no college education. The longer you take off from school the harder it will be to go back.
Do you want to finish college? Do you want to be a dirt bag? Do you want to get married and raise kinds? These are questions you need to answer for yourself in order to make the current decision. Remove your current girlfriend from the equation as you face these questions. This is just about YOU. Once you have some answers then you can bring her back into the mix and start again, if you want to.
You're in a pretty awesome position IMO. I think you should really break your dilemma down to the most simple questions. In that way you can find the answers that you will be comfortable with in the long run. Then all you have to due is take control of your own destiny and make your dreams come true.
What ever you do don't bash that ring into a crack. You could buy a shit load of bashies for that money!!
Good luck.
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jbro_135
Oct 7, 2010, 2:47 AM
Post #11 of 41
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gobennyjo wrote: So to throw my life out a bunch of random people here it goes. I'm 20 years old, have been seriously dating someone for over two years now and bought a diamond ring. I was planning on getting engaged this month. I've decided that all of that has been a stupid idea and that is forcing me to give up my climbing aspirations. I've taken a couple trips to Yosemite, I live in South Carolina, and gotten to do some climbing in Alaska, but climbing and this relationship are not really working. So I'm almost done with my freshman classes for mechanical engineering, and I have taken some welding courses. I run my own construction business, I’ve built a house ground up in 8 weeks in Alaska with two of my employees, I have a fully paid for work truck (with 14mpg ), and have a pretty big sum of my own tools. I’ve managed to save up 10,000 dollars through work and even landed a scholarship that will help out with school for the next year. Everything I have, I have paid for on my own. My parents are anything but wealthy; in fact my dad is going through bankruptcy right now and owes me 3 grand on top of everything else. As for climbing gear I own almost two full trad racks, more kinds of ropes than I need, and everything you need for clean aid and ascending. I even have a haul bag and a homemade portaledge, which actually works. Hell, now that I think about it I have some crampons and an ice axe from an Alaska idea that didn’t work out. As you can probably tell I aspire to be a big wall climber. I've done the Lost Arrow Spire and Washington Column, but this relationship has lead to the demise of my larger goals. Instead of getting outside every week, I am very happy if I get out once a month. My climbing lead has dropped to 5.9 and I would be very pleased if I could follow a 5.11 So here is the question. Your 20 years old, have 10,000 dollars, no payments on anything, all the climbing gear you need, a construction business and a diamond ring: Would you hop in the truck tomorrow and watch 40 west roll by until you see California, go find the answers to life at camp 4, and use your diamond ring as a silver mashhead on an aid route up El Cap? Or stick around for another semester until the summer comes and spend it climbing and make no money for school? Or watch the years fly by and realize all your rope will ever be used for again is top-roping your kids? Anybody looking for a serious partner with some gear or got a long road trip planned? So what would you do?
I'm 22 and going through the same thing, minus the awesome financial situation and the ring. Also, my girlfriend is really cool and doesn't keep me from doing anything. That said, before I move into anything more serious, I need to get a lot of climbing done. I have a lot of goals to achieve while i'm still young, strong, and healthy.
My advice to you is do whatever YOU want, at least for a while. Tell your girlfriend how you feel, honestly, to the best of your ability - this is important. You can't expect her to understand what's going on with you if you don't tell her. Be honest with her, and hopefully she'll do the same for you. If she's the real deal, she'll be willing to wait until you're completely ready.
Basically what I'm saying is go climbing dude. Climbing is awesome, everything else can wait.
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wonderwoman
Oct 7, 2010, 12:55 PM
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If it's love, you two will be together 5 years from now. No reason to pop the question now, especially when you are voicing your doubts. If you rush into marriage, you may regret it later and resent your partner for what you perceive as holding you back from your climbing potential.
Good luck to you!
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meanandugly
Oct 7, 2010, 1:10 PM
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I got engaged when I was 20...biggest mistake of my life. Climbing was almost lost to me and it took me years to play catch up to get back where I was after the marriage was over. Sow your wild oats now, I am now in my 40's and still paying the price. My 2nd marriage was much better. I was older and she was older still, she loved climbing.
If you're questioning it here then you're not ready for the leap in to married bliss.....lol
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shockabuku
Oct 7, 2010, 1:40 PM
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In reply to: 4a) Don't hesitate to follow your heart. I wish I had when I was your age, but I didn't know enough about myself then to do so.
At 43, I'd say that's the best advice I've ever heard.
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blueeyedclimber
Oct 7, 2010, 1:50 PM
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You've gotten some pretty good advice here. I just want to emphasize how young you are and rushing into a marraige you are not ready for is a big mistake. People change a lot in their 20's and neither you nor your girlfriend will be the same person you are now in another 10 years. If you are questioning it enough to ask strangers on the internet, then I would say that is pretty telling.
I am not saying dump her (unless you already have), because I don't know either of you. But, there is nothing wrong with waiting to figure it all out.
Josh
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kachoong
Oct 7, 2010, 1:55 PM
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If you think that continuing with your relationship will make you give up your aspirations then you shouldn't let that situation hold you back. Be up-front with your girl about what climbing means to you... the crossroads in that department will then fall right in front of you because the ball will be in her court and she will either accept your choices... or not.
Next I would also take the advice here and stay in school. I went part-time college and then dropped out because of climbing and not really knowing if the degree was for me. While traveling and working lots of jobs for 6 years I realized the degree was important to me and went back to finish it (admittedly I gave myself the time as a free spirit to figure out what I wanted).
Your business sounds like it could potentially be something you could lean on. If it's self-sufficient you could let it run itself while you both study and figure things out. Or build on it while studying.
Also, save that money... put it into something long-term. It sounds like your skills can keep you occupied and paid in a lot of places. My dad was always bugging me about saving money when I was in my early 20's and I hated the advice. Now I know it would have been best. Even if you put away half of it and use the other half to follow a few dreams for now.
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gobennyjo
Oct 7, 2010, 2:22 PM
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dingus
Oct 7, 2010, 2:55 PM
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He didn't ask about romance advice - he's already made his decision. He's dumping the girl. What he's asking is should he surrender risk his future career on a winter of climbing fun.
I suggest no, he should not. He should stay in school (one close to climbing) and work next summer too, to pay for the following Fall.
See a compromise - a clearly responsible individual gets to stay responsible, but only to himself.
Climbing will always be there for you if you want it.
DMT
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dynosore
Oct 7, 2010, 3:32 PM
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Your situation is very much like mine was. I followed thru on the career thing and got married at 21. While I don't regret any of it, if I had it to do over I'd chase money less and take some time off. You can always make money, but you can't make time. I've worked full time since I was 19 and went through college to boot. While I enjoy the financial security I've acheived, I'd take one year off if I was in your shoes. You sound ambitious, you'll get back at it in due time. Ah, to know at 20 what I know now....
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horseshoe
Oct 8, 2010, 2:46 AM
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Something else to throw in the mix. It is ok if she doesn't climb, but how does she feel about you climbing? If she objects, that should be a red flag given that it is something that matters to you.
FYI, my wife doesn't climb, but she has given me gear as presents and has always encouraged me to go climbing. I respect her tremendously for understanding why I climb.
Life is about choices--marriage is (or should be) long term. It is far easier to postpone marriage than it is to undo it.
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whipper
Oct 8, 2010, 3:42 AM
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Ditch her,
Ditch school,
go climb.
The world is gonna end on 2012, then you would feel like a dumbass worrying about "your future"
I live for today, and have never regretted one
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technogeekery
Oct 8, 2010, 4:16 AM
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gobennyjo - I've seldom seen so much good advice on rc.com! Think a lot of us relate to where you are at and wish we were in your shoes!
20 years ago, I had a great job, car, apartment with fat mortgage, no degree, and a couple of girlfriends. Worked all the hours god gave, and when I did take a break and went intothe mountains with some friends and saw how they lived, I had a revelation - life didn't have to be the whole progression of car/house/degree/job/steady relationship/marriage/kids/get old/die - there was a whole universe of alternatives out there.
I sold my house & car, cashed in my fledgeling pension, gave my cat to my folks, kissed my girlfriend goodbye and went backpacking for a year. Ended up being 5 years on the road, and I never did go home.
I learned more about the world and myself than I could conceivably have learned through the path I was on. I've travelled all over the world, lived in many countries, learned new languages and cultures. I've changed the way I think, and the way I think about thinking. I have different views on culture, race, politics, ecology, education, economics, you name it. I'm a different person, and I wouldn't go back for the world. And despite all that, (or because of it) I still ended up married, two kids, great career.
The only things I regret are the occasions where I DIDN'T take the chances or opportunities that came along because i was too scared / conservative / cautious.
You know exactly what you want to do, it is screaming out in your posts above. Go do them. Evolve.
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skiclimb
Oct 8, 2010, 5:11 AM
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OK want the straight dope?
Here it is.
Number 1
you have a successful business that will grow.
Don't even think of allowing ANYTHING to get in the way of that. Not SCHOOL NOT A GIRL There is no better life available than being your own boss financially.
you have no idea at a young age how true the above statement is.
Second.. recreationally and spiritually you are a CLIMBER.
Loving a gal that curtails WHO YOU ARE is a doomed and tortured way to spend the next few years untill the relationship implodes eventually.
I highly recommend mashing that ring into some sweet ass tiny feature on ELCAP and claiming your freedom.
be friends with that gal... let her down easy as you can.. continue being who you are and not sacrificing your financial freedom.
I may never have made a more serious post in my life.
listen as if your life depends on the advice i just gave.
it does.
(This post was edited by skiclimb on Oct 8, 2010, 5:19 AM)
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jcrew
Oct 8, 2010, 12:58 PM
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gobennyjo wrote: I'm 20 years old-
dude, you're 20, your future wife is like 4 years old right now. do yourself a favor and don't rush off into domesticity; live for about a decade or more first. just avoid: STD's, unwanted pregnancy, ex-wifes, debt, drug habits, and criminal records, and you'll be a climbin' stud for years to come.
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spikeddem
Oct 8, 2010, 2:58 PM
Post #25 of 41
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whipper wrote: Ditch her, Ditch school, go climb. The world is gonna end on 2012, then you would feel like a dumbass worrying about "your future" I live for today, and have never regretted one
You live for posting on rc.com?
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