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axelcrash
Feb 16, 2005, 3:41 PM
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My boyfriend and I climb together most of the time when we climb and we have taken trips together and I always seem to want to climb harder or get on the harder routes. We climb at very similar levels for trad so there is no problem there but when it comes to working sport routes and routes in the gym or bouldering I seem to "get" the problems faster where he is hanging out alot on certain problems. I know this frustrates him and we do have a pretty big size difference (I am 5'3" 125 lbs and he is 5'10" 160?) I know that height can play a factor but it is over several problems and several different areas and gyms that this happens so it is not one gyms setting style or one stlye of an area.
I was wondering how other ladies handle this situation to make him feel more comfortable and for me to not feel like I am showing off on a problem by flashing on lead what he was just barely making it to the third bolt. I want to work problems that are hard for me but not make him feel bad about himself.
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granite_grrl
Feb 16, 2005, 4:17 PM
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Don't falunt that you're climbing better than him, but don't let the fact that he hasn't caught up hold you back from pushing yourself.
Everyone progresses at different rates. I think that this may be something that he has to work through. He could have a skewed perception of what's required in this sport (strength vs technique), and I don't know if there'd be anything you could do to make him feel comfortable with this idea.
When I started climbing with a boyfirend at the time he progressed faster than me (at bouldering in particular), and it used to upset me because we started at the same time. He didn't comfort me that sometimes that's the way it goes, and frankly I can't think of anything that he could have said to diminish my frustration.
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seagypsy
Feb 17, 2005, 8:17 AM
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Don't do what I did! I started seeing this guy when I first got into climbing and everything was peachy until I started climbing harder than him. He became increasingly resentful and angry as I got better than him. If I asked him to carry the rope or whatever because I was tired, hurting, injured he would have a meltdown about me being unfair (BTW he is 180lbs 6' and I am 102lbs 5' 2") During runouts or crux moves he would taunt me and keep up a non stop stream of negative comments when I was on lead. Unbelievably I felt sorry for him and spent alot of time and energy trying to pacify him. I would make him cups of tea and give him endless pep talks to boost his morale or try and dumb down my climbing and pick out activities and routes that would make him feel better about himself. The more energy I put into trying to make him feel better, the more moody and unpleasant he became. Eventually I realized that I would would be a heck of alot happier alone and he would be happier with a woman that climbed less hard. Not surprisingly it came to light that he had multiple secret cyber intrigues going on...Guess he felt so crummy that he needed more love & attention than one woman could give him! I am kicking myself for having spent so much time indulging his boorish behavior just so that he would be with me! Not only was I foolish and doing myself a disservice, but I ruined him for the next woman that comes along. I think there are alot of super great guys out there...I probably passed alot of them up to be with someone who was more attractive on the outside than the inside. Anyways I think I will not mix romance and climbing for now as I love climbing so much and I don't want to do do anything that takes time away from climbing!
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axelcrash
Feb 17, 2005, 1:12 PM
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He dosnt seem to get too upset when I am climbing harder I just try to motivate him to climb harder because I know he can climb somewhat harder then the 5.8's he is comfortable with. It is just hard to find many if any sport routes under 5.8. There are like 3 at summerville lake in WV and if you are there for a couple of days you arent going to climb just those 3 routes.
Do the guys have any suggestions?
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kimmyt
Feb 17, 2005, 1:25 PM
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Bubba City at the NRG has a boatload of bolted routes under 5.8.
K.
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axelcrash
Feb 17, 2005, 4:31 PM
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In reply to: kimmyt Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 8:25 am Post subject: Re: Climbing harder then him -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bubba City at the NRG has a boatload of bolted routes under 5.8. K.
We went there once and well apperantly three stars in my opinon is very different from three stars for the author. I set him up on a 5.7 three stars it didnt look too bad, pretty straight forward line It would be good to start our day off. Well an hour later I am getting ready to head up on toprope because of how awful it was for my boyfriend to lead. I didnt even feel comfortable TR'ing the route. The rock quality was good but strange moves for a 5.7. I found some off the 5.9 and 5.10 routes in the area easier. If you have any suggestions for routes in that area I would gladly accept them.
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feral_raccoon
Feb 18, 2005, 4:13 PM
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In reply to: Don't do what I did! I started seeing this guy when I first got into climbing and everything was peachy until I started climbing harder than him. He became increasingly resentful and angry as I got better than him. If I asked him to carry the rope or whatever because I was tired, hurting, injured he would have a meltdown about me being unfair (BTW he is 180lbs 6' and I am 102lbs 5' 2") !
Some advice from Feral Raccoon:
You know what your problem is? You are acting too much like a boy. If you were more of a delicate flower, none of this would have ever happened. You might want to read my book: "Getting in touch with your inner kindergarten teacher". Here are some of the important lessons you will learn:
- If you are hanging out with a beautiful guy with a big ego and want him to think you are the bees knees, do not climb harder than him. Whenever you get to a hard move, let out a girly gasp and exclaim "ooooh, you must be so strong and powerful to have pulled this move!"
- If you feel a feral raccoon sensation when you are out climbing with guys like this, run around the corner and bang your head on the rock for a few minutes until you are over it. Under no circumstances must you let him catch a glimpse of your feral-raccoon-like nature, or the relationship will be over.
- If he asks you to carry the rope, let out another girly gasp and exclaim
"ooooh, but you have such rippling muscles and I am so tired, can we just snuggle up here for the night instead because I don't think I have enough energy to make it back"... then when he picks up the rope and your pack and hauls it all back, make sure you show him how grateful you are by cooking him up a wonderful dinner and catering to his every whim for the evening.
- If you feel the need to lead run-out 5.12s and spaz out with crazy pshyco-energy, do not do this when climbing with beautiful tender-ego boyz . This can only go sour. Instead, go climbing with other girlz who act like boyz and vent all your energy, then go back to practicing the art of behaving like a kindergarten teacher.
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kimmyt
Feb 18, 2005, 5:12 PM
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:lol:
If only I could rate posts today....
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seagypsy
Feb 18, 2005, 6:02 PM
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Dear Feral Raccoon, LOL!!!!!!!!!!! U R Right. I have TOTALLY reevaluated what I was doing and I have taken your advice to heart! I am applying it to every corner and facet of my life. I have done some serious soul searching and even reevaluated how critical and overly judgemental I was about this beautiful spirit that I was involved with who my friends won't even call by his real name and simply refer to as 'That Guy'. I have been way too harsh on him. In fact I can't wait to run into him again in the parking lot of some climbing area or the base of a climb. I hear you are his new girlfriend and we have so many things to share with one another (besides those pesky letters from the health department and the course of antibiotics we have both been prescribed) Here is some good advice: be sure and never throw away one of his tea bags if you have only used it 1x, don't take a chainsaw and cut away the back of his PC monitor and crawl in there and enact a sock puppet show demonstrating how you onsighted a 5.12b while he was online stalking his ex-girlfriend from Texas, Don't be piggy and eat more than the 2.5 pieces allotted to you of the Dutch chocolate (if you are really that hungry because there is never food in the house just get up in the middle of the night and stuff your face full of chocolate privately) and remember, WHATEVER you do-DON"T MAKE HIM FEEL LOW SELF ESTEEM BY CLIMBING HARDER THAN HIM!!! ps u are a silly girl and we should go out climbing, PM me!
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mother_sheep
Feb 18, 2005, 6:13 PM
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This has happened to me before. Funny thing is that I don't climb that hard. I found myself holding back when we climbed together in some attempts to preserve his male ego. He is not my boyfriend, just a friend. He's one of those competitive types. So when we go out, I just let him pick the routes or I'll suggest climbs that are in a range that he is comfortable with. I like to see him succeed because it makes him feel good and I think it's helped in his progression.
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seagypsy
Feb 18, 2005, 6:32 PM
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"So when we go out, I just let him pick the routes or I'll suggest climbs that are in a range that he is comfortable with. I like to see him succeed because it makes him feel good and I think it's helped in his progression. "
_________________
Maybe it's the narcotic painkillers I am taking or maybe I am becoming some sort of psycho, but I'd rather gnaw off my extremities like a feral raccoon than spend anymore time helping guys 'feel good' or assisting them in their 'progression'....unless they want to come over and clean my bathroom clad in nothing but an animal print thong and make me a toasted tuna melt on rye while singing sea shanties
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mother_sheep
Feb 18, 2005, 6:35 PM
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In reply to: but I'd rather gnaw off my extremities like a feral raccoon than spend anymore time helping guys 'feel good' or assisting them in their 'progression'....unless they want to come over and clean my bathroom clad in nothing but an animal print thong and make me a toasted tuna melt on rye while singing sea shanties
Holy crap! Please pass the pain killers!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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autumngirl
Feb 18, 2005, 7:30 PM
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In reply to: I'd rather gnaw off my extremities like a feral raccoon than spend anymore time helping guys 'feel good' or assisting them in their 'progression'....unless they want to come over and clean my bathroom clad in nothing but an animal print thong and make me a toasted tuna melt on rye while singing sea shanties
Haha....
SeaGypsy, you have some messed up fanatasies. :D
Hey, to each her own!
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comet
Feb 20, 2005, 3:01 AM
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i have a bit of the opposite problem, though related.
my partner (both romantic and climbing) and i have been having a tough time lately while climbing. i've been climbing since i was a little kid, but always followed while my dad led. earlier this year, i did some of my first sport leads, and i've wanted to get out and lead trad, but i've only gotten a chance to do so a couple of times with my current partner. the problem is that i can follow anything he can lead, but don't feel comfortable leading close to my ability level because i don't feel like i have enough experience with gear placement yet to be comfortable taking a big whipper on gear i put in. i've told my partner multiple times that i want to lead more, and he says he understands, but once we get to the crag, we end up climbing routes above my lead ability and he ends up leading everything
this raises serious questions for me. i really enjoy following his lead on routes that push me, and i feel bad (sad but true) making him follow routes that are, frankly, laughably below his ability. at the same time, i feel like he's just paying lip service to my desire to lead (and build my own rack, but that's a whole additional aspect that i won't elaborate on here). he says it frustrates him that i don't push it more when we actually are at the crag, while i feel that he already knows that i feel this way and i shouldn't have to nag constantly about it to get to lead.
should i just find a new climbing partner? i'm new to the area and haven't yet met anyone willing to venture outside of the gym. i'd love to hear any suggestions/advice/similar experiences.
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maculated
Feb 20, 2005, 7:53 PM
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Comet,
WHy not try getting some new partners? Nothing's wrong with climbing with your romantic partner, but if you're feeling bad about making him climb lower stuff, then if he is or is not annoyed, it's still an issue for you. Post up on RC.com, there are a number of nice people in the Bay Area, but like you said, I found many of them don't leave the gym.
That way, you guys can climb together, and away from him, you can work on your own skills. It also always helps to have someone who is a little worse than you to make you push yourself. Maybe take one of those grym rats out and teach them to climb outside on the quality rock that is Mount Diablo (gag, gag)
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granite_grrl
Feb 21, 2005, 11:52 AM
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Comet - I agree with maculated, but I don't think that you should feel so bad about "making" your boyfriend climb stuff that's easy for him. You may have to evaluate whether your bf is actually getting annoyed, or if its in your head (I had this problem with my bf, I think that I'm over it, but we'll see if I fall into it again this spring).
When I go out with my partners its generally understood that we'll be taking turns for leads. If I feel like doing a 5.4 because that's what I'm comfortable with at the momnet that's what I do. Never mind that we both may be able to do 5.10 on sport lead.
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axelcrash
Feb 21, 2005, 2:22 PM
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In reply to: mother_sheep Posted: Fri Feb 18, 2005 1:13 pm Post subject: Re: Climbing harder then him -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This has happened to me before. Funny thing is that I don't climb that hard. I found myself holding back when we climbed together in some attempts to preserve his male ego. He is not my boyfriend, just a friend. He's one of those competitive types. So when we go out, I just let him pick the routes or I'll suggest climbs that are in a range that he is comfortable with. I like to see him succeed because it makes him feel good and I think it's helped in his progression
I have been trying let him pick out the routes and it seems to work somewhat until he gets tired or starts complaining about how he cant do it because of this or that.
In reply to: Some advice from Feral Raccoon: You know what your problem is? You are acting too much like a boy. If you were more of a delicate flower, none of this would have ever happened. You might want to read my book: "Getting in touch with your inner kindergarten teacher".
Ferel Raccoon---
Well I think that if I act like this I won't be who I am and that is who he has fallen in love with and that will cause more problems. He might like the playing the kindergarten teacher or the delicate flower for a little while but it will get old and then he will want his Sunshine back. He wants someone who will be out all day climbing multi pitch lovin it and wanting more and not worrying about girly things. Then after we are done climbing he likes the girlyness to come out.
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seagypsy
Feb 21, 2005, 5:02 PM
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You should not question Feral_Raccoon. Feral_Raccoon has a very big brain. Any advice that she dispenses I take to heart immediately and just do it. If you ever have the pleasure of climbing with her someday, you will be pleasantly surprised to realize that you no longer have to think and can just rely on her enormously huge brain and stores of wisdom. In fact I have shut off my brain and I am operating purely off my spinal cord these days. Also being yourself with a guy is a very silly-yet novel idea!
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chupa
Feb 21, 2005, 6:00 PM
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Hello ladies,
My friend sent me to this post b/c she thinks I have an interesting outlook on this subject. I'm currently seeing a girl that climbs a lot harder than me. I started climbing when I was a little kid and eventually got pretty darned good. I was doing 5.13+ sport , V11 and hard 12 trad climbing close to full time. I dropped off the climbing scene years ago and let school, work and other thing envelope my life and take over my climbing time. I eventually got back into it but now I stick to climbing 5.0- 5.10. I really have no desire to hop on anything else anymore as I do this just for fun and getting out and hanging with friends. I recently started dating a girl that's climbing around 5.12. She's a great climber and is a much more naturally gifted climber than I ever was, being as though she has been climbing a relatively short amount of time. When we go out climbing she jumps on her projects and I usually give her the beta (when she asks) since I have usually done the route she is on, unless it's a brand new one. I hop on over and try and flash my 5.9 and I'm perfectly happy with that.
OK, that being said I can get into what the apparent problems with this are.
I have noticed lately that she is a lot like I was when I was climbing a lot. Every conversation revolves around climbing or a specific route. There is little diversity there and she's always asking me if I remember how to do something. She is also always asking for training tips and I seem to have to almost force her to do anything else, like see a show, movie, travel to an area without climbing (who would turn down a trip to Tahiti?) or have nonclimbing fun. Still, she does like climbing with me and vice versa. I can't say the same about my old climbing buddies though. They never invite me out to go climbing anymore and have yet to take up any offer I had of doing a day of easy multi pitch trad stuff. My "climbing" friends have changed dramatically in respect to the type of people I hang out with. My girlfriend on the other hand hangs out with the hard core climbers and they generally spend their time in a different area of the gym as I do. I'm not expecting this relationship to last on account that there are outside forces (nonclimbing related) that I can see will force us apart sooner probably than later. Still, I have no problem dating a climber chick that outcranks me by a mile as long as she's cool. Most guys will care and they will have their egos shattered by such a case but in the end your climbing ability doesn't matter when you're laying down next to someone.
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cracklover
Feb 21, 2005, 6:50 PM
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In reply to: Do the guys have any suggestions?
Yes. But before I give you my suggestion, let me tell you what I've said over and over in this forum. I would kill to have a female climbing partner who's stronger than me. I would love it. It would totally rock my boat, turn me on, and make me climb my best.
Most gals who climb pretty hard only seem willing to climb w/ guys who climb harder than they do. The guy you're seeing has no idea how lucky he is, and he's throwing away a golden opportunity, just to save his precious little ego. That brings me to my advice to you...
Ditch him. *Not* for someone who climbs harder than you, but for someone who's appreciative, who's motiviated to climb hard, who likes pushing themselves, and admires you for doing the same. Someone who gets inspired by you, and someone who you can be inspired by, just watching how hard he pushes himself. When you find this person, both of you will get damn good, damn fast.
GO
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seagypsy
Feb 21, 2005, 7:04 PM
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Oh my god after reading this I TOTALLY want to objectify you for your stunning looks, propose matching tattoos and write you really bad poetry.
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feral_raccoon
Feb 21, 2005, 7:54 PM
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Ooooooh, cracklover, does your brilliance know no bounds? your advice is exemplary! your outlook on life should be an inspiration to all!
In honor of your unsurpassed and supreme wisdom, you have been named Espanola Climbing Club pin-up boy of the month!
(This is a great honor indeed, as the ECC has the distinction of having only two members, myself and sea-gypsy, who serve as co-presidents. Can any other club you know of boast to such exclusive membership?)
Long live cracklover!!!!
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cracklover
Feb 21, 2005, 8:54 PM
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:oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:
Somebody pinch me. I'm pretty sure I'm dreaming.
GO
PS While I have pretty limited experience, I'm told I make a pretty okay cabana boy. References available upon request.
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comet
Feb 22, 2005, 5:51 AM
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mac & granite--many thanks for the advice and support. i'm sure you're right. when we go out, we tend to climb multi-pitch stuff, which hinders the alternating pitches standard i'd love to follow. plus a long time spent on any given route, meaning a couple of hours straight dedicated to very basic climbing if i'm leading. i was hoping for an alternative to finding additional partners, but i agree that there really isn't one.
ick. mt. diablo. i'm off to the partners forum.
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arjunrattan
Feb 28, 2005, 7:46 PM
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hi all..
well iim a GUY and i kind of have the opposite problem..
like my female friend and I go climbing alot..i kind of got her into it..shes like wayyy wayyy wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy tom boyish..and like i do climb fairly harder then her...and that seems to damage her ego or somethin..like say im onsighting like a 10b or 10c and redpointing 11a-11b..id say her onsight level is like 5.7-5.8...like i havent seen her redpoint a 5.10a...so i keep telling her like take it easy chill about the grades..reinforce the good before moving on to the harder..yet she insists on trying stuff way over her head like 10b-11a and shes fall a million times..i dont see what joy she gets out of it..even like bouder problems im bouldering like v4-v5 ..she get really miserable and upset wen she cant send the problems i flash...
so just a quesion...like does it really bother girls too wen us guys climb harder than you'll..i mean most girls kinda accept the fact that guys do climb slightly harder since were physically kinda more stronger...but still does it bother you'll??
cheers and happpy climbing!
arjun
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