|
sub-zero
Deleted
Apr 9, 2005, 3:55 AM
Post #1 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered:
Posts:
|
This is just part of a paragraph from an english 101 paper I wrote. I slipped climbing into it and I want to know if it's good or not:
When I go climbing I'm using all of that compacted energy to climb. All of that stress I leave at every hold. When I climb everything that exists disappears and I am free. That place shapes my mind and physically my body. It teaches me the true meaning of freedom. Places shape who we are and how we react. When I reach the crux which is the hardest part of the climb, it tests my abilities to pass it. I know if I can pass the crux I can complete the whole climb. It enhances my ability, gives me confidence and makes me stronger. Climbing is the only word that exists here.
I know this has some rough spots which I'll clean up. This is only the rough draft so far and I wanted to know how it sounds to others out there.
|
|
|
|
|
maculated
Apr 9, 2005, 4:06 AM
Post #2 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 23, 2001
Posts: 6179
|
Muwahahahhahahah . . . You asked for it.
When I go climbing I'm using all of that compacted energy to climb.
Is this the topic of your paragraph? If not, you need a nice specific topic sentence. It sounds like this is a transition, not a topic.
All of that stress I leave at every hold.
What stress? How does this relate to the previous sentence and topic?
When I climb everything that exists disappears and I am free.
Comma between climb and everything. Vague. What exactly do you mean by 'free?" Is this the point of the paragraph yet?
That place shapes my mind and physically my body.
What place? Climbing is a place? Vague again.
It teaches me the true meaning of freedom.
The place? How about defining what you mean by freedom?
Places shape who we are and how we react.
is this the topic? How so? Who you are?
When I reach the crux which is the hardest part of the climb, it tests my abilities to pass it.
parentheses around "which . . . climb." What the heck does "pass it" mean? Jump? Pull through?
I know if I can pass the crux I can complete the whole climb.
Why? Explain.
It enhances my ability, gives me confidence and makes me stronger.
What does, the crux, passing it, or knowing you can pass it? Comma after confidence. How so? EXPLAIN
Climbing is the only word that exists here.
Where's here?
This is a whole essay made into a paragraph by not giving any kind of detail. Show, don't tell. Don't say "it tests my abilities to pass it," say something that actually shows me this. You are terribly vague and you are not following the rules of good writing:
SEE - Statement (topic), Example, Explanation.
This is stream of consciousness. You have to consider structure in your writing and write not for you, but your audience.
/English comp teacher
|
|
|
|
|
justthemaid
Apr 9, 2005, 4:18 AM
Post #3 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 11, 2004
Posts: 777
|
Wow..... :shock:
I guess he asked for it. :lol:
|
|
|
|
|
trenchdigger
Apr 9, 2005, 4:33 AM
Post #4 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Mar 9, 2003
Posts: 1447
|
And she had to do it in red too. :twisted:
Yes, he did ask for it...
|
|
|
|
|
chanceboarder
Apr 9, 2005, 4:38 AM
Post #5 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 6, 2003
Posts: 1348
|
wow...that brings back memories of grade school :shock:
|
|
|
|
|
dingus
Apr 9, 2005, 3:31 PM
Post #6 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 16, 2002
Posts: 17398
|
Snagged a whopper there sub zero. Nicely done.
DMT
|
|
|
|
|
shogun
Apr 9, 2005, 3:43 PM
Post #7 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 11, 2002
Posts: 107
|
In reply to: wow...that brings back memories of grade school :shock:
grade school? i wish my grade school teachers were as informative... that stuff mac said applies whether you're in grade school or writing for a climbing rag...
sub zero pay attention and heed her advice :)
thanks mac... i SEE your point.
-=g=-
edited: to fix grammar... old habits
|
|
|
|
|
mack_north
Apr 9, 2005, 4:12 PM
Post #8 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Feb 8, 2005
Posts: 74
|
Shades of Kafka! I think if you toss in some scantily-clad ladies of easy virtue and a Viking fight, you'll really have something!
|
|
|
|
|
veganboyjosh
Apr 9, 2005, 4:18 PM
Post #9 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 22, 2003
Posts: 1421
|
mac pretty much covered it. but what stuck out to me was your use of the word "that". out of 112 words, it's used 5 times. that's like 4 percent.
Of course, I just used it twice out of 45 words, which is 4 percent as well.
|
|
|
|
|
reno
Apr 9, 2005, 4:24 PM
Post #10 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 30, 2001
Posts: 18283
|
Get 'em, Mac.
:)
|
|
|
|
|
sonus
Apr 9, 2005, 4:29 PM
Post #11 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 14, 2002
Posts: 120
|
Your sentences feel too short and abrupt. Try combining sentences in order to make the paragraph flow better.
|
|
|
|
|
camhead
Apr 9, 2005, 4:35 PM
Post #12 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 10, 2001
Posts: 20939
|
sub-zero, your next homework assignment is to go home and eat paint chips.
|
|
|
|
|
offwidthclimber
Apr 9, 2005, 4:44 PM
Post #13 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jan 13, 2001
Posts: 290
|
if there's a writing resource center on campus, go visit.
|
|
|
|
|
lenexa
Apr 9, 2005, 5:41 PM
Post #14 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Mar 29, 2005
Posts: 95
|
That paragraph was not very good. Bad enough to think you are trolling, but I've seen other posts of yours and I don't think you are.
You need to tell us what that paragraph is for. Tell us what the paper is for--did your teacher give you a topic, a question to answer, or is it totally free? If it is free are you just writing about climbing, that would be a fine paper. After you tell us that, tell us at what point you stuck in that paragraph. Mac did a good job of editing/commenting on that paragraph, but it may be that you need to rewrite the whole thing and make it organized. Papers need to advance a point, then every sentence in that paper needs to (in some way) further advance your main point. The more focused, narrow, and arguable your main point (topic) is the better your teacher will like it (at least thats what I like in my students papers). Besides commenting on your paragraph as is--you need to tell us more of the nature of your paper before we can help you. let us know.
|
|
|
|
|
sactownclimber
Apr 9, 2005, 6:50 PM
Post #15 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jan 2, 2005
Posts: 216
|
In reply to: Muwahahahhahahah . . . You asked for it. *snip* This is stream of consciousness. You have to consider structure in your writing and write not for you, but your audience. /English comp teacher
Man, I was gonna respond, but any comments I might make at this point would be largely superfluous.
|
|
|
|
|
smearhound
Apr 9, 2005, 7:11 PM
Post #16 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 16, 2004
Posts: 83
|
Vary your sentence structure.
|
|
|
|
|
maculated
Apr 9, 2005, 8:40 PM
Post #17 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 23, 2001
Posts: 6179
|
Don't worry folks. I'm not nearly as mean to my actual students. I avoid the use of red pen at all costs. I favor green, actually. You just can't see it very well here. I just enjoyed myself way too much on that one.
Heh. One of them I have as a repeater (I am teaching the next course up this quarter) stalked me on RC.com and used photos from my profile as divider pages. See, they like me. Who stalks profs like that?
|
|
|
|
|
trenchdigger
Apr 10, 2005, 2:49 AM
Post #18 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Mar 9, 2003
Posts: 1447
|
In reply to: Heh. One of them I have as a repeater (I am teaching the next course up this quarter) stalked me on RC.com and used photos from my profile as divider pages. See, they like me. Who stalks profs like that?
Haha... and you just thought he was a dumb kid that couldn't get it the first time around.
|
|
|
|
|
corankinrok
Apr 10, 2005, 3:12 AM
Post #19 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 24, 2004
Posts: 34
|
Wow!, you're on a 5.14 crux here :D
|
|
|
|
|
tattooed_climber
Apr 10, 2005, 3:33 AM
Post #20 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 13, 2003
Posts: 4838
|
reminds me why i'll never take another english class again: asking mercy from the malice spiteful red pen.......
|
|
|
|
|
sigep_rockstar
Apr 11, 2005, 12:06 AM
Post #21 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Dec 14, 2004
Posts: 25
|
you guys think mac would give that paragraph a "sub-zero"
see what i did there?
hahahahahahahahahahahaha
i kill myself
|
|
|
|
|
roadman33
Apr 11, 2005, 12:56 AM
Post #22 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: May 27, 2004
Posts: 84
|
I feel bad for ya man!
I'm fucked when it comes to writing, but I'm dyslexic.
Just so you don't feel bad about all the folks cuting down your work. (it does need a lot of help) My girlfriend has a MA in English and is about to get her phd. in Bio, and she explaned it to me this way. When people who know good english (ha) look at shit writing, it's like nails on a chalk board!!!!!!!
Don't take it hard, but get help.
|
|
|
|
|
sub-zero
Deleted
Apr 11, 2005, 1:58 AM
Post #23 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered:
Posts:
|
Whoa I don't know what to say. After I read the paragraph it did have a lot of rough spots. Especially when you don't know anything about the paper. I wanted to slip rockclimbing in there some how but I guess I didn't do it very well. So here's the rest of the paper:
The heat coming from the beast gave me goose bumps. With every breath a cloud of warmth would come around me. The smell of the burning cattle would drift through the air. The burnt hair and flesh would almost cause vomiting but the sadness kept it in. Everything was gone, burnt to the ground except some of the remaining people. The surviving mother’s and children were holding tight to each other crying. Their very own lives were almost taken from them. They lost their homes and all of their stock. Most of them lost their lives. With all of the tears hitting the ground it seemed as if it was raining. I could barely feel the cool breeze slipping through the ashes. The unsuspecting victims were lying all over the ground. Across in the distance the dragon’s breathing broke the air.
The beast was at the summit of the mountain. Its heart was as cold as steel, and its emotions was that of Hades. It didn’t care what it had done. Nothing of the dead families scattered across the fields bothered him. None of the creatures were snacked on or even eaten in any way. This beast killed them all for pure sport. This moment will leave a mark on me for the rest of my life. I will never forget what happened on this land. This very soil has stained my mind forever. This place will leave two emotions in my heart and forever change me. There are two sentiments, one of angriness towards the flying beast and the other, sympathy towards the people that have lost. This place is my sanctuary, my freedom. Places take us away from reality giving us the ability to be who we are. They affect us and that’s why we go there.
There are other places where people would never want to be and others would cherish that moment for every second. It’s amazing how someone could see a desert with sand and nothing more and another person could see a paradise. Everyone has there own sanctuary, their place of sovereignty. People go to these places to forget their problems and relax. Christopher McDowell a noted writer with a PhD states, “This is why you can come into [a] sanctuary carrying stress and angst, perhaps sadness and despair, and soon feel an interior sense of peace begin to salve your soul…[A] holds a type of sacred energy that is worth honoring” (McDowell). Places have the ability to significantly impact or shape our persona. In the moment, they have the ability to alter our moods and attitudes. Over time, they have the ability to mold who we are.
Over time we can count on these sanctuaries to be there in our heart. We never forget them for the rest of our lives. Gino a published writer and nature enthusiasts states, “Not only is this place a sanctuary for wildlife, it is also one for humans—for those people who need to have a home far removed from that place called the real world” (Sky 77). Places can shape what kind of people we become. There are many types of areas that have their own rules. There aren’t signs posted up saying what we can and can’t do. They come with their own rules that become common knowledge to us. There are places where there are no rules.
There is a world that exists to me. It is a world where I can create whatever I want and be who ever I want to be. There are no rules except the ones that I make. It is my sanctuary, my escape. I can go there whenever I want and I am free. It is a world that I write and then become its creator. I go there when I want to escape such places as my home. That is a place that has shaped me more than any other. A home is a place where people end up missing it when they’re gone. It is a place no one wants to be without. When I write I can escape all of the arguing in my home. All of the yelling and fights don’t exist there. I can turn the stress into a fiery beast, and all of my problems take new forms.
People generally have a place that they will never forget. It sticks in there mind as strong as a memory. When someone commits a crime and is convicted they are sent to some type of correctional facility. Those places are there to teach them the consequences of their crimes. They help shape who they can become. It isn’t supposed to be a pleasant experience where they would want to come back or even repeat a crime. In some cases they commit a crime to go back. They normally want to be there because they know nothing else. It becomes their home and their lifestyle. The correctional officers are like coaches trying to teach them something.
Coaches say channel your energy into something else. Turn it into a positive result. When I go climbing I’m using all of that compacted energy to climb. All of the stress I carry I forget when I start to climb. Everything that exists disappears and I am free. Climbing shapes my mind and physically my body. It shapes who I am and how I react. With each step of the climb there are new challenges and new holds. When I reach the crux which is the hardest part of the climb, it tests my abilities. If I have both the strength and the technique I can pass it. I know if I can surpass the crux I should be able to complete the climb. It enhances my ability, gives me confidence and makes me stronger. Climbing is the only thing that exists while I am here. No problems, stress or even dragons can bother me.
I can become that knight. Who would ride on his stallion past the poor victims. In his hand he held a silver sword with the emblem of his planet and the three moons. He knew his place and his responsibilities. The green grass that flew by below his feet turned a dark red when his sword entered the head of the beast. The skull shattered and the cracking sound echoed through the air. The dragon laid dead on the summit top. And the free climber was the one to drive the sword through. In his place he was now free just like everyone else at their sanctuaries.
That's the rough draft of the paper. I still have to make corrections.
|
|
|
|
|
guangzhou
Apr 11, 2005, 2:44 AM
Post #24 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Sep 27, 2004
Posts: 3389
|
Nice job mac. I like that you actually explained you comments instead of just criticizing.
|
|
|
|
|
sub-zero
Deleted
Apr 11, 2005, 2:59 AM
Post #25 of 103
(3849 views)
Shortcut
Registered:
Posts:
|
guangzhou
Thanks, it took some members of RC to teach me that. (Still learning though :D )
One question though was the paper better that time?
|
|
|
|
|
|
1
