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chupa
Mar 10, 2006, 12:02 AM
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So I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday. I'm not really too angry about the break up but she's making it out to be some sort of huge deal. I came home a little early from work and I caught her with one of my friends. I didn't frak out I just walked away and went to the bar. I came home a couple hours later and my friend had left and she was crying. I told her it was over and that she should move out. She said that my friend came over and they went out to eat (which was fairly normal) and had a little too much to drink and things got out of control. Next thing she knows is that I come home and walk out.
Soooo.... I really don't know how much time to give her to get out. Her family is in New Hampshire and she has no place to go. She said she wants to work things out but I think she is just trying to stay here because she has no place to go. That of course is out of the question. I'm letting her stay in the guest bedroom for now but I think I'm going to give her 2 weeks to leave.
My other problem is what I'm dealing with my friend. I was a little pissed that he did that but I figure that kind of stuff is petty to fight over. My other friends are telling me to cut him out of my life altogether but I don't want to make some sort of huge personal drama thing out of this. In fact I think they actually might make a better couple anyway. They're both "artistic" and share a lot of the same political views that I just don't agree with.
Has anybody out there gone through this kind of thing? I'm really honestly not that pissed (just slightly pissed) that this happened. I just don't want to deal with the headache of my (now ex) girlfriend AND my friend calling/crying to me about how sorry they are. PLEASE!!!! Why is it that people cry when they get caught? Please don't cry to me! I DON'T CARE!!!! If anybody has anything to cry about it should be me, and this isn't the end of the world. So does anybody have any suggestions about what I should do? I don't need revenge tactics or anything, just whatever seems fair.
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philbox
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Mar 10, 2006, 12:13 AM
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I think you are being entirely reasonable given the circumstances.
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jred
Mar 10, 2006, 12:19 AM
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Sounds like you are getting the rough end of the pineapple. Seriously man you are being generous to a fault by letting that woman stay for two weeks, let her stay at your friends place.
I did have a friend do the same thing to me once, I let a year pass and then we started talking again. The friendship was never the same, how could I trust this person? We are no longer friends. Don't let them use the drunk excuse either, it is pathetic, would you fuck your friends girlfriend because you were drunk?
Doing what she did in your shared apartment is no good, throw her out, you owe her nothing, not loyalty that is for sure. Listen to your friends.
Shit, I can taste the bile just remembering how terrible that made me feel, my heart goes out to you.
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rockguide
Mar 10, 2006, 12:32 AM
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In reply to: I came home a little early from work and I caught her with one of my friends. She said she wants to work things out but I think she is just trying to stay here because she has no place to go.
Yeah she wants to work things out ... right.
Good that you didn't freak out ... That is rough.
my semi-informed .02 ...
Maybe she could stay at your (former)friend's place ... sounds like they get along. He should step up and take some responsibility for his part in taking a surprisingly civil breakup into hell.
Maybe they deserve each other?
Brian
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chupa
Mar 10, 2006, 12:35 AM
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Thanks. All of my friends told me she was a bad choice to begin with. We never had any fights and she moved in last summer. Since then I think we've just been doing the routine thing. She's not a very adventurous person and I like hitting the road and seeing/doing things spontaneously. I'm really not that hurt over this, in fact I'm almost relieved that it happened. Guess I didn't care for her as much as I thought (in that way). Just a really awkward situation.
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scrapedape
Mar 10, 2006, 3:03 AM
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Two weeks is excessive. Two hours would be more than generous. Let her get a hotel room.
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mother_sheep
Mar 10, 2006, 3:10 AM
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In reply to: Sounds like you are getting the rough end of the pineapple.
I love that!
I went through something similar when I was 20. Trust me, 2 weeks is too long.
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philbox
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Mar 10, 2006, 3:16 AM
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Thinking about I too think that two weeks is excessive. She has shown herself to not be trustworthy.
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tradgal
Mar 10, 2006, 3:18 AM
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What exactly did you "catch" them doing? I ask only because my boyfriend "caught" me talking to and emailing his brother. Relax--I was planning a suprise to fly his brother into the state for a few days for my BF's birthday!!!
If she was cheating--toss her and her shit to the curb pronto. I have been cheated on and been the cheat-ee, but never the cheater. Living with someone is a HUGE deal in my book. If she cheated--there is NO excuse.
And, what the heck was she having too many cocktails before the end of the workday about?
Ahh..my .02
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comet
Mar 10, 2006, 3:38 AM
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In reply to: My other problem is what I'm dealing with my friend. I was a little pissed that he did that but I figure that kind of stuff is petty to fight over. My other friends are telling me to cut him out of my life altogether but I don't want to make some sort of huge personal drama thing out of this. In fact I think they actually might make a better couple anyway. They're both "artistic" and share a lot of the same political views that I just don't agree with. Has anybody out there gone through this kind of thing? I'm really honestly not that pissed (just slightly pissed) that this happened. I just don't want to deal with the headache of my (now ex) girlfriend AND my friend calling/crying to me about how sorry they are. PLEASE!!!! Why is it that people cry when they get caught? Please don't cry to me! I DON'T CARE!!!! If anybody has anything to cry about it should be me, and this isn't the end of the world. So does anybody have any suggestions about what I should do? I don't need revenge tactics or anything, just whatever seems fair.
I think you're in denial. You have every right to be furious. If you don't let it out now, it will probably come back and bite you in the ass later.
Everyone makes mistakes, but you aren't responsible for helping her pick up the pieces of hers. Take whatever you need, including your apartment, ASAP, so you can grieve and move on.
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mowz
Mar 10, 2006, 5:11 AM
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Buddy, you are being too reasonable. There is a time and place for being nice and now is not one of them. Give her one week. Then go to your friend's house and beat him, with a wrench.
A friend doesn't do that to another friend. That's fucked up. If I were you, I would have lost it right there. I guess you're a better man than me.
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wideguy
Mar 10, 2006, 5:15 AM
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Man play the nice card, then next time she's gone change the locks. Let her back in to pack when you're there. Her days of your shelter are done.
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fobnicat
Mar 10, 2006, 5:58 AM
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Been through this.. it sucks... But let me say that handling it the way you did is alot better and in the end you will be happier with yourself that I was. I was away when it happened (another friend informed me)... When they bothf inally admited it I should have just told them both to have a nice life and move on... Yet I couldnt.. I went out, bought some liqour, and later that night attempted to drag my ex-bestfriend from his car as he was driving throught a parking lot....
Somehow I stayed my swing, but i still feel like a fool for allowing someone that obviously cared so little for me cause me to act so dramatically... I should have jsut walked away from both of them in my life...
I ahve been cheated on in both of my two major relationships in my life and it seems to be that I am better able to live with myself by telling them to have a nice life and continue on with my own.. Thats not to say that I or whoever shouldnt go dirrectly to a true friend, open up, let it out and go through the cycle of emotions that come from such an event, but the key is to do it in a way and environment that wont cause you to become the victim of your own harm...Its cheesy, but sinking to the level of your ex-bestfriends (one of which is ex-g/f) never works and that is waht I did when I acted the way I did.
Nobility is a virtue our society has lost along the way to economic standing and there is much to be said for a man, woman, child, any creature of nature that can stand proud and confident in such an event and say that they have not changed or belittled themselves by acting outrageous....
As for the two weeks... if you feel that you can stand to see her face for those two weeks then more power to you, and the better man you are.. You have proven yourself by just walking away. Allowing her to stay for two weeks if great, and honestly, if you can stand it, and do it with a smile on your face that shows her taht you are still no losing control over the issue will just show her more what the have thrown away..
Wow, just realized how crazy of a response this was, but having gone through it and seen several of my friends go through it, I feel like I have alot to say :)... take it as you will.. do as you feel fit... Just know you were a better man than I the first time it happened to me...
PS... sorry for the typo's.. forearms still pumping from workout.. :)
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boondock_saint
Mar 10, 2006, 6:27 AM
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In reply to: In reply to: My other problem is what I'm dealing with my friend. I was a little pissed that he did that but I figure that kind of stuff is petty to fight over. My other friends are telling me to cut him out of my life altogether but I don't want to make some sort of huge personal drama thing out of this. In fact I think they actually might make a better couple anyway. They're both "artistic" and share a lot of the same political views that I just don't agree with. Has anybody out there gone through this kind of thing? I'm really honestly not that pissed (just slightly pissed) that this happened. I just don't want to deal with the headache of my (now ex) girlfriend AND my friend calling/crying to me about how sorry they are. PLEASE!!!! Why is it that people cry when they get caught? Please don't cry to me! I DON'T CARE!!!! If anybody has anything to cry about it should be me, and this isn't the end of the world. So does anybody have any suggestions about what I should do? I don't need revenge tactics or anything, just whatever seems fair. I think you're in denial. You have every right to be furious. If you don't let it out now, it will probably come back and bite you in the ass later. Everyone makes mistakes, but you aren't responsible for helping her pick up the pieces of hers. Take whatever you need, including your apartment, ASAP, so you can grieve and move on.
Based on a personal experience, I think you're quite wrong about the denial thing. I agree with the taking back what's your ASAP part. I'd give her a week to get her stuff out at most. I wouldn't cut the friend out, but I don't think you should ever use the word friend in conjunction with him. Friends don't fuck your girlfriend regarless of how "well matched" they are.
Now the denial thing, I can completely understand that you're not too broken up about it. I was seeing a girl who turned out to be someone completely different -- it wasn't nearly as serious as this but once it was over I was so happy to have her out of my life. At first I felt like I was in denial, because you really shouldn't feel like that but I couldn't help it. I think I subconsciously (and latter fully) realized how wrong we were for each other and how a stupid little mistake, like a pregancy, could have ruined my life. Like I said different story but I can see how you can be not too upset.
Tell her she's got 5 days to a week to get out. She can stay with the friend surely.
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squierbypetzl
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Mar 10, 2006, 6:38 AM
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In reply to: Tell her she's got 5 days to a week to get out. She can stay with the friend surely.
2 weeks?? Damn. Give her 3-5 days, maybe a week if she´s in a really pathetic situation. You don´t need her around anymore and you´re getting on with your life (remember this later on, like say the week after she´s gone).
I am such a fucking hypocrite for responding to this....
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chupa
Mar 10, 2006, 7:09 AM
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So I went out tonight with one of my long time girlfriends and she came up with a good plan. She said to let her stay in the guest bedroom for the 2 weeks but every other night she will come over and spend the night with me. This wouldn't be a sex thing, I've known this girl for years and she's like a sister to me... no sex. But she thinks it'll be funny to watch the ex squirm when she comes over. She'll want to get out ASAP.
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unabonger
Mar 10, 2006, 12:37 PM
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In reply to: So I went out tonight with one of my long time girlfriends and she came up with a good plan. She said to let her stay in the guest bedroom for the 2 weeks but every other night she will come over and spend the night with me.
Well that was a great plan right up until this screeching halt:
In reply to: This wouldn't be a sex thing, ...no sex
At any rate, all you judgemental judgers sure are being harsh on the friend. She practically forced me anyway. And I was drunk. Chupa, I'm sorry but now we both know personally the truth of her character.
Still your friend,
UB
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unabonger
Mar 10, 2006, 12:41 PM
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Oh, and by the way Chupa, post a pic of yourself. You're being so cool about this that its making kind of crush on you and I don't even roll the gay way.
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robbovius
Mar 10, 2006, 12:55 PM
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ahhh, the drama of the young. always best viewed second or third hand, and from afar.
:twisted:
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overlord
Mar 10, 2006, 1:18 PM
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youre really nice to let her stay for 14days. i would probably just kick her onto the curb, no matter what.
as for your "friend"... he did one thing that real friends dont do. so i guess that solves the dillema.
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deleted
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Mar 10, 2006, 2:07 PM
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I'd give her ten minutes to get her shit out of the house.
When I saw my buddy, I'd break his nose.
Don't let people like this be a part of your life or you might end up like them and you don't want that dude. Good Luck.
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digital0verdose
Mar 10, 2006, 2:24 PM
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Chupa, I had a similar situation happen with a friend. He recognized his mistake and knew I was uber pissed, but he didn't want everything to fall apart so he maned-up. He told me to get as pissed as possible and then punch the shit out of him as hard as I could. I got prepped and was just about to knock his fucking head off when I realized that it wasn't necessary and I forgave him. Afterwards he said he was kind of worried because while it seemed like the right idea, he was really affraid that I was going to cause some real damage.
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mother_sheep
Mar 10, 2006, 3:09 PM
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In reply to: But she thinks it'll be funny to watch the ex squirm when she comes over. She'll want to get out ASAP.
That's lame. Regardless of whatever she's done to you, do you really want to hurt this girl? What good is that going to do? Just be up front and tell her when to get out. Drama like that will do nothing but complicate the situation and hurt people.
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dookie
Mar 10, 2006, 3:23 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: But she thinks it'll be funny to watch the ex squirm when she comes over. She'll want to get out ASAP. That's lame. Regardless of whatever she's done to you, do you really want to hurt this girl? What good is that going to do? Just be up front and tell her when to get out. Drama like that will do nothing but complicate the situation and hurt people.
You now have what I like to call the 'NMP' situation - not my problem! She cries and says she's sorry? NMP! She doesn't have a place to stay? NMP!
She doesn't know what she'll do? NMP!!!
Obviously your feelings weren't as strong as you had thought for this person, since you're really not broken up about it all. However, the deceit and breaking of trust done by both parties is not to be overlooked here.
Like has been said, you don't need people like this in your life. None of us do, honestly, and I've been cheated on many a time by ex's. Sad part was I didn't have the ovaries to walk away from them. I now know better of course ;) but the best thing you can do is cut everything off at the cord now. Be done with it, you'll happily move on ;)
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wjca
Mar 10, 2006, 3:27 PM
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I got two words for you, buddy: GRUDGE SEX!!! Yeah, that's right. You know all the dirty, nasty things you may have been a little hesitant to ask her to do, well, nows the time to get her in the sack and just do 'em. Don't ask. But make sure you do it in the guest bedroom so you can leave and go back to your room when you're done.
Edited to add: Then the next day, change the locks.
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