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hangerlessbolt
Aug 25, 2003, 3:40 PM
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Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one
fine March
day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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hangerlessbolt
Aug 25, 2003, 3:59 PM
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SENIOR MOMENTS II
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been
friends for a
long time....but I just can't think of your name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me
what
your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
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arrettinator
Aug 25, 2003, 4:03 PM
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A plumber gets called out to Mrs Smith's house to mend a leaking pipe.
When he gets there the door is answered by a lucious woman in a skimpy nightie.
The plumber can't believe his luck!
During the course of the afternoon they get chatting and she's coming on strong.
Things are just beginning to hot up when the phone rings. "That was my husband" she
says "He's on his way home"
"Thats a shame" says the plumber.
"Don't worry" says Mrs Smith "He has to go out again later, come round at eight
and we can carry on where we left off"
The plumber looks at her in disbelief and says "What? On my own time?"
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hangerlessbolt
Aug 25, 2003, 4:05 PM
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who
can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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shortfatoldguy
Aug 25, 2003, 4:06 PM
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Two guys out golfing. They've got to cross a street to get to the back nine, but there's a funeral procession going by. As they stand and wait, one of them takes his hat off and bows his head. The other one says, afterward, "Wow, that was an admirable display of respect back there." The first one responds, "Well, it was the least I could do, we'd been married for thirty years."
/rimshot/
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arrettinator
Aug 25, 2003, 4:07 PM
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This one is kinda wrong, so I'll just post the link.
Inquiring minds just Click Here
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camhead
Aug 25, 2003, 4:33 PM
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what did cinderella say when she got to the ball?
"agggck" (choking sound... get it?)
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hangerlessbolt
Aug 25, 2003, 4:39 PM
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sick bastard!!!
LOL!!!
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bumblie
Aug 25, 2003, 4:55 PM
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Registered: Mar 18, 2003
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Just in case some of you missed this from the weekend. :lol:
In reply to: Important Recall News The United States Treasury has announced a recall on the new Alabama quarters. "We are recalling all of the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday morning. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." "We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. The winning design for the Alabama quarter was submitted by University of Auburn College of Engineering student William Doutrieux. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming coin-operated devices." |
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camhead
Aug 25, 2003, 4:58 PM
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did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? Anywhere else, they would have called it the teethbrush.
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arrettinator
Aug 25, 2003, 4:59 PM
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In reply to: did you know that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? Anywhere else, they would have called it the teethbrush. |
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hangerlessbolt
Aug 25, 2003, 5:09 PM
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A couple of old friends are hanging out at a bar. The one friend has a wooden eye that he is all too self-conscious about. His friend tries to cheer him up by buying him a few drinks. Just then he looks across the room and notices a girl with a hair-lip.
He says to his friend with the wooden eye, “Hey man, how about you go over there and ask that girl to dance? I mean you have a wooden eye and she has a hair-lip…So you both all ready have something in common.”
So he walks over to the girl and says, “Excuse me ma’am…would you like to dance?”
She excitedly replies, “Would I ?!?”
He yells back, “Well phuck you…poosy-lip!”
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jumpingrock
Aug 25, 2003, 5:29 PM
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A man walks in to a bar...
Ouch. :roll:
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arrettinator
Aug 25, 2003, 6:16 PM
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In reply to: A couple of old friends are hanging out at a bar. The one friend has a wooden eye that he is all too self-conscious about. His friend tries to cheer him up by buying him a few drinks. Just then he looks across the room and notices a girl with a hair-lip. He says to his friend with the wooden eye, Hey man, how about you go over there and ask that girl to dance? I mean you have a wooden eye and she has a hair-lipSo you both all ready have something in common. So he walks over to the girl and says, Excuse me maamwould you like to dance? She excitedly replies, Would I ?!? He yells back, Well phuck you poosy-lip! |
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krillen
Aug 25, 2003, 6:30 PM
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Registered: Jul 19, 2001
Posts: 4769
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WOULD I? = WOOD EYE!!!
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hangerlessbolt
Aug 25, 2003, 6:33 PM
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He took her reply of “Would I”…as calling him “Wood Eye”…which pissed him off
So because of her hair lip…he called her poosy-lip”!
(note to self…make jokes less vague)
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arrettinator
Aug 25, 2003, 6:41 PM
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In reply to: He took her reply of Would Ias calling him Wood Eyewhich pissed him off So because of her hair liphe called her poosy-lip! (note to selfmake jokes less vague)
I'm just not too bright today. :roll:
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bumblie
Aug 25, 2003, 6:45 PM
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In reply to: So he walks over to the girl and says, Excuse me maamwould you like to dance? She excitedly replies, Would I ?!?
And he yells back "Hair-lip, hair-lip!!!"
Does that help?
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hangerlessbolt
Aug 25, 2003, 6:46 PM
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I totally understand...
And yeah...THAT HELPS!
;)
My grandmother sent me the elderly jokes this morning...
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hangerlessbolt
Aug 25, 2003, 6:49 PM
Post #20 of 30
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DOWN AT THE NURSING HOME
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex.
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown
at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll
take the soup."
LoL
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arrettinator
Aug 25, 2003, 7:02 PM
Post #21 of 30
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Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
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arrettinator
Aug 25, 2003, 7:12 PM
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Disclaimer: This is just a joke.
I got married about a year ago and recently noticed that I have put on a little weight.
A friend explained the whole thing. It seems that single guys come home, look at what's in the fridge, and go to bed.
Married guys come home, look at what's in bed, and go to the fridge.
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bumblie
Aug 25, 2003, 7:14 PM
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In reply to: Disclaimer: This is just a joke.
Meeeoooowww. :P
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charrock
Aug 25, 2003, 9:09 PM
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Posts: 364
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one for the college kids
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" One student piped up: "How much for a season pass?"
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hangerlessbolt
Aug 25, 2003, 9:18 PM
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^^^LoL^^^
Or to just renew the pass from the previous year?.?.?
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