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peroxide
Jan 17, 2005, 1:13 PM
Post #1 of 5
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Registered: May 3, 2004
Posts: 117
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Just call me SAM
The Superstar Armchair Mountaineer
I am just like you.
I lurk over the internet while having a dedicated job and taking care of a full life of ambitions. I have read every trip report, scoured topos, and reorganized my gear countless times. I occasionally train and occasionally get in over my head. I have taught dozens of people how to climb and most of them are now better than me.
I am the average climber.
I have been known to clip a biner to my rearview mirror.
I failed to get past pitch 6 on the South Face of Washington column.
Yet, I loved every moment of it.
When asked by knowledgeable climbers about what is my favorite climbing style I pretty much say that I am Lucky Longster. Essentially a person who has read every book by Largo countless times and gets lucky when I actually need to place a nut, construct a belay, or mantle onto that sloping ledge with killer runout beneath me.
Worst off…I look more knowledgeable and trustworthy than I am.
If I am roping up for a 5.7 right next to the 13a and gym boy to my left is at bolt 3 of the 5.12b crimpfest, he will most likely turn to me and ask me for the beta.
“Ya toe scum off the high rail to bump up to the sick divet. Then rock back on to your left foot, match, high step on the nubbin and twistlock to the jug”.
What? You thought I was going to leave a brother hanging?
So I decided after my first climbing trip to the Valley that I needed to climb the Nose. How original. I tried getting into trad and crack climbing the best I could (I live in Portugal these days and “true” crack climbs are hard to come by) and figured out this whole aider thing.
Before I knew it I was calling my lover fifi and my manhood a loyalstick.
Hey, I am a one woman man.
Being a loyal Supertopo fan, I promptly devoured the topo for Reticient and prepped for my first big wall.
My climbing partner (an armchair mountaineer of rugby player proportions) was sold. We bought whacked out and questionable gear on Ebay, sent countless spreadsheets back and forth, and prepared our assault.
I arrive to Yosemite, and thanks to the tossers at Continental, learned that Largo was right about webbing harnesses and aiders….they suck. We improvised as the airlines tried to find all my new shiny gear (unknown to me at the time, my gear had been stopped in customs by security, several wine bottles I had brought from Portugal had been broken, and my gear smelled like vinaigrette). A few practice pitches confirmed the obvious: we were slow, inexperienced, and my mate had a pension for turning C1 into C3 due to his bulk and improper handling of microcams. I became the designated aid leader.
My gear arrives and we prep to go to the column. Luckily, the clown wigs and pocket Mr. T keychain had arrived safely. We were ready. Well sort of…
We get to the base of the route and start up the first pitch.
PITCH 1
My buddy, trying to be a free climbing allstar pulls through the 5.8 (easy to aid if need be). He starts to haul the bag with strange fornication style movements. It takes us 2.5 hours.
PITCH 2
My first pitch and I am on fire…by going off route and discovering that even on the bigwall highway it is possible to get off route (if you are climbing around the corner to hit the great 10a hand crack make sure not to miss it and go to the crack out left. There are slings at the top of the feature from similarly misguided leaders). After a funky pendulum and back cleaning the entire pitch for massive C1 runouts (look... for about 30 seconds I thought I was Ammon) to avoid problems for my cleaner, I arrive to the belay. And then we hear thunder.
Across the valley to HD, the big black clouds come in. And with all my testosterone pumping I was not letting some drops get in the way of success. My partner, more sensible and in fact tougher than I, points out the fact that since I am loaded up with three sets of BD camalots, shiny new offset aliens, and more biners than a certain Canadian, that it may be sensible if “human lightning rod” raps down. After pouting…I comply.
PITCH 2 Redo
Then as if to mock us….the clouds part and the sun returns. 3 hours wasted.
PITCH 3
My buddy goes too far left and ends up making the coolest 5.7 move ever which can only be described as the undercling lambada. Ants, the stench of urine, and a party bailing greet us at Dinner Ledge. The hours have worn by and we are way behind schedule.
With 2 hours of daylight and battered egos…we set up camp.
PITCH 4
Sharing the ledge with a girl/guy party was totally cool. It however crossed into awkward zone when the girl part of the team (her first big wall) proceeds to ask us how in fact we will take a doo doo. I point to my poop tube and explain the details by going over to the haul bolts and doing my business.
She promptly asks us if she could use our tube once we start climbing. We wait for the look that tells you it is a joke…however…no luck. She is dead serious. She even dares to ask for wet wipes.
So I say that if she uses it…she needs to haul it down and empty it. That’s the rules. At this point she also confirms that when we descend to the base, that our Gatorade we stashed is no longer there. I ask if the birds got to it. Nope. This “bird” decided that she was thirsty after the approach and finished. Again…I waited for a chuckle. Nope. Talk about party foul.
As for the pitch, this lead is just so much fun for a fledging aid climber. It’s a roof with perfectly spaced bolts and a great arching crack. Because I care about my climbing partner…I made sure not to back clean.
PITCH 5
Again. This is fun. The belay is a great roost with awesome views and a perfect C1+ move to start the pitch. The horizontal crack is there above that bolt. I promise. Expect a dialogue like this during this move:
BELAYER: Can you see the placement.
CLIMBER: I can’t do it. Its too far.
BELAYER: Dude you are in your third steps.
CLIMBER: (shuffles to second steps) Man its impossible. Are you sure we are on route?
BELAYER: (silence)
CLIMBER: Okay I will try again.
BELAYER: Second steps?
CLIMBER: Damn it. Okay… (gets in top steps). Oh…sweet. I got it. That was soooo easy.
Then our big wall dreams were crushed. A real storm descended upon us. We looked up at the nut pitch and realized that we were out of time. No more vacation left and projects to get back to in Europe.
That night we partied with the peeps in Camp 4. Earlier in the week we had befriended some hardmen and hardwoman who had encouraged us endlessly. Even found out that one of them set up binoculars to check out our clown wigs on the column.
We explained what went well and what we needed to work on. Three things really:
I need to learn how to aid climb.
I need to learn how to trad climb.
I need to learn how to free climb.
Also…after emptying the poop tube at the Church Bowl latrines, I discovered a “second” deposit. I ask my buddy whether he had a go up on the column. He says no way. Well, if I went and he didn’t go…who could it be?
OH MY GOD! Say it ain’t so wall sista’.
Nonetheless, it was amazing and we will be back. With clown wigs, some humility, and more shiny new gear. Now I scour the net for South Face trip reports…to read the pitches that I now know and bond with my fellow climbing brothers and sisters.
Yosemite beckons…even from the comfort of my armchair.
S.A.M.
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crazywacky
Jan 17, 2005, 1:38 PM
Post #2 of 5
(1747 views)
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Registered: Jan 31, 2002
Posts: 409
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Wow.. Excellent TR.
You guys sound like my little bro and I when we go out.
Not quite a ClusterF*&^, but close. :-)
Good luck on your next wall.
Scott
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jackhammer
Jan 17, 2005, 2:10 PM
Post #3 of 5
(1747 views)
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Registered: Dec 22, 2004
Posts: 255
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Awesome story! Remember, it's not always about the summit.
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climbsomething
Jan 18, 2005, 5:45 AM
Post #4 of 5
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Registered: May 30, 2002
Posts: 8588
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I actually read a big wall TR, and I liked it!
Karma will make some poop sun tea in that chick's Gatorade bottles some day, I am sure ;)
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peroxide
Jan 18, 2005, 3:11 PM
Post #5 of 5
(1747 views)
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Registered: May 3, 2004
Posts: 117
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In reply to: I actually read a big wall TR, and I liked it! Karma will make some poop sun tea in that chick's Gatorade bottles some day, I am sure ;)
Thanks a lot! You are welcome to use my pooptube or Gatorade at any time.
Maybe this will be a new way of saying to a climbing partner how close you are without crossing some line of social sensitivity...something like:
"Hey bro...you got a backstage pass to the wall john and my green electrolyte crystals...no questions...no problemo"
TRANSLATION:
"I love you man..."
ahhhh....so many warm fuzzies
Andrzej
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