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mattdog
Apr 21, 2004, 5:33 PM
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Things I Have Learned About Women During my Brief Time on this Planet
Part One
Women have inadequacy issues. Oh yes, its true. Women's fragile minds are constantly beset by fear, doubts, and worries about themselves, their looks, their shoes, their hair color, their discharge... you get the picture.
This is part of the reason women have a constantly changing mood towards men. It's because they subconciously both hate and love men for being bigger, taller, faster, and having burp resonance unmatched by any other species of animal.
Oftentimes, a woman has called a man into the kitchen to get something down from a high place, and the man has expected to be thanked, but is instead met with a cold glare. Secretly, you see, she loves this man for being kind enough to get the item, but also is angry with herself for being unable to retrieve it herself. Inadequacy comes into play.
A man can attempt to assuage this with, "Wow! This [place item name here] really is up high! I can barely get it myself. I should probably come in and rearrange these cabinets to place things lower." This makes her feel as if he is, in some way, inadequate also, which enhances male-female bonding. Just about any issue in relationships can be smoothed over by the male admitting some sort of inadequacy or failure to the woman. For instance:
* After a woman runs a red light: "Gosh, I always get those red and green signals confused myself. They make me think of Christmas. Speaking of Christmas, lets stop by the mall so I can buy you a present."
* After being unable to send a route: "Gosh, I don't think I'll try that one. Old man Johnson rated that one a 5.8+, but you know those old ratings really are closer to 5.10 or 11. Maybe we should go somewhere and get your a nice new harness."
* Upon finding she no longer fits into her size fours: "Man, those things must have shrunk in the wash. I've packed on a few pounds myself. Lets go out and buy you a whole new wardrobe."
See? Easy as pie.
A woman can also be horribly embarrased by just about anything. A man can even embarrass her my doing something out-of-the ordinary. Breaking wind at a funeral makes your woman feel like she has an inadequate mating instinct, because her mate pooted on the dead. (Nevermind the steak and cheese burrito that you ate beforehand, which was made from slaughtered cows.)
Men must have evolved a natural protection from this:
Perhaps one day, while the cavemen were hunting mammoth, two cavemen threw their spears and slipped, smacking their heads upon the frozen lake. The ice broke and they were both tossed into the frigid waters. As they climbed out, they both noticed their genitals were disproportionatley small. "HA... Ulag and Cronk have turtle heads!" said one, laughing. Ulag laughed it off, but Cronk was never the same, only hitting .150 in at-bats against wooly mammoths for the rest of his life. He had no children.
Men, you see, must be descended from Ulag. Natural selection at its finest. Speaking of which, that Mexican from last night is hitting me pretty hard. Be back in a bit...
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jumpingrock
Apr 21, 2004, 5:37 PM
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:lol:
When can we expect part two?
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wildtrail
Apr 21, 2004, 6:12 PM
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Here's what I have learned:
Flowers should be given often, but don't expect them to make up for something stupid you said or did. Still, always give your wonderful woman flowers on a regular basis. I not only buy them for her I grow them, too!
Compliment, compliment, compliment. You think you're self-conscious about that 15 pound spare tire of yours? Well, she thinks the five extra pounds attached to her thighs makes her look like a beached whale. Compliment, compliment, compliment.
Never, under any circumstances, should you neglect to say "I love you" every day. I say it at least 10 times a day.
Notice things. You've been with her for how long? Don't be an ass. If she cuts her hair, wears a new sexy dress, or does her makeup differently, you should be able to notice. Get your eyeballs off the game and pay attention. I've never failed to notice anything outside of when she got her hair cut. I knew she was going to, it looked good and I told her that, but outside of the fresh styling, I couldn't tell that 4 inches had been removed from her really long hair. NOTICE her.
She should always be the center of attention. Not the large breasted blonde that just walked by. It's rude to do that right in front of your woman. We all find other people attractive because it's natural, but when you are out on a date, she is the center of attention.
Jealousy. There is no room for it. Remove it from your persona. It's a waste of time. You may not be good friends with you ex, but chances are she might be. Live with it, he was there first and there is nothing wrong with his friendship. She's with you now, right? Get over yourself then.
Do something nice and unexpected from time to time. No, flowers don't count. That should be a regula thing. Get her a gift from time to time or suprise her with a picnic (one of my favorites).
Don't blame her for things she doesn't understand. Meaning, if she doesn't add oil to the car when she hears a "ticking" noise, it isn't her fault. Many women don't know what that "ticking" noise is. It's your job to teach her that. Women are smart. You tell them once, they don't forget again. Matter of fact, women are better at getting their oil changed on a regular basis, unlike us idiots.
Don't expect her to always do for you. You can get off your ass and run some errands, stop at the liquor store and pick up your own beer, or grocery shop too.
Be an equal patner. You both live there, you both should clean. Well, we know she does, it's time for you to help.
Foreplay: Have lots of it. "Brace yourself" does not constitue foreplay.
Be romantic from time to time. She hears your bodily noises on a regular basis, usually followed by your laughter. A fart under the covers isn't romantic. Try a back rub and a bubble bath and don't expect it to lead to sex.
Give her free time. A woman always enjoys a little free time. Saying, "Honey, why don't you go shopping?" as you sit, playing your PS2 isn't "free time". What I mean is, get out of the house for a few hours so she can do what she wants and have peace and quiet at home.
SHARE the damn remote. (I'm a major offender of this--oops!)
Be respectful and don't blame everything on PMS. Even when PMS and her "cycle" are evident, be understanding. It doesn't take much to sympathize, though we will never trully understand. It also doesn't take much to be an insensative jerk-off, either. :wink:
Her family is just as important as yours. Don't whine and b*tch because you just spent six hours with your family on Christmas and now you just want to go home because you are tired. You HAVE to visit both.
Ask her about her day. Then actually listen and care. In one ear, out the other isn't the way to go. If she had a great day, share her excitement and embrace her. If she had a bad one, share the depression and comfort her.
Never go to bed angry. Though and old adage, it's true.
Snuggle and like it. (just so happens to be my favorite thing)
Open doors and pick up the check. I know women are far more independant than in eras before, but unless she's a militant feminist, she'll appreciate the chivalry. Women are still women and they should be, and enjoy being, treated like a lady.
Be thoughtful. If she drops her fork, don't point at it and say, "Hey, you dropped your fork." Pick it up and get her a new one. There are many ways to be thoughtful, use your brain. There's a million more. :wink:
There are still many, many more things you can do.
I haven't learned anything. Women are far too complex. They are an enigma at best (a special one at that). You'll never "understand", but you can always be a better man and make sure you do, at least, some of the things I mentioned above.
Great luck and don't forget to put the toilet seat down!
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tradman
Apr 21, 2004, 6:27 PM
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Wouldn't it be great if one day a woman understood enough about men to write a similar guide?
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wildtrail
Apr 21, 2004, 6:32 PM
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In reply to: Wouldn't it be great if one day a woman understood enough about men to write a similar guide?
They have. It looks like this:
#1 He's hungry
#2 He's tired
#3 He's horny
Men's 3 basic emotions.
After that, it's all beer.
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dirtineye
Apr 21, 2004, 6:34 PM
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Well you guys have inspired me. Here's all I know about women, compiled over the 48 years I've been alive:
So, I hope that helped!
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coach
Apr 21, 2004, 6:37 PM
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And never forget to say those three magic words..............
You're right honey! :wink:
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hstewart
Apr 21, 2004, 6:44 PM
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oh this thread is going no place good...
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bumblie
Apr 21, 2004, 6:53 PM
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Excellent piece Mattdog. Unfortunately, many who've responded have been hen-pecked into Senstive New Age MetroSexuals. They've effectively had their "maleness" conditioned out of them. More's the pity.
I'm glad you understand the inherent nature of male/female relationships and possess the ability to accurately convey our differences.
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tradman
Apr 21, 2004, 6:54 PM
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:lol:
This how I taught my nephew everything I know about women:
- Uncle Trad, why do women act weird sometimes?
- Well mate, that's because of brownie points.
- "Brownie points?"
- That's right. Brownie points. Brownie points are imaginary points your woman awards you for doing certain things.
- Like what?
- Okay, let's say you buy your girl a single red rose. You'd get brownie points for that.
- How many?
- Well mate, that's up to her. But let's say it's ten, okay? Now how many brownie points do you think you'd get for buying a dozen red roses?
- A hundred and twenty?
- Nope. That's ten brownie points. And if you opened a door for her, how many?
- Ten?
- That's right. Ten brownie points. And if you sent her a letter for no reason saying you love her?
- Ten! Ten brownie points!
- You're getting the hang of this! Now supposing you forgot to hold the door for her, that would be bad and you'd lose points, okay? Now how many do you think you'd lose?
- Minus ten?
- Ah, no. Probably about minus a hundred. And if you were late for dinner?
- Minus a hundred?
- No. That could be minus a thousand. In fact, you could lose all the brownie points you ever earned. It could be minus a million.
- But why?
- Well nobody knows mate. She might just decide that.
- Then what happens?
- Well, it depends. If you say you're sorry a lot and you're good at back rubs and other things, you might get an overdraft facility. That's when you can lose loads and loads of brownie points by doing lots of bad things, but the woman stays with you because they believe they can get you to repay them.
- So the guy keeps doing bad stuff but she doesn't chuck him? Isn't that really stupid?
- You have no idea. In fact, a lot of women keep accounts that are running millions in the red for years. They believe they can change their man's spending habits, so they keep going.
- So what you're saying is that if you try to earn loads of brownie points your girlfriend will probably cancel them all on a whim, but if you deliberately lose loads and loads she'll stay with you because she believes you'll pay them back?
- Errrr, sh*t. I think you'd better ask your dad mate. I don't think I made a good job of explaining it.
:wink:
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j_ung
Apr 21, 2004, 7:36 PM
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To hell with women! From now on, I'm a wildtrail-o-sexual!
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tgreene
Apr 21, 2004, 7:38 PM
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lol -- All you have to do is listen to Dr Laura, to realize they're all nutz! :wink:
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mcheshi
Apr 21, 2004, 7:55 PM
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o.
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winter
Apr 21, 2004, 7:57 PM
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Wow, I can't belive Wildtrail's post. Good work. I'm impressed. I feel like I should send it to my ex. He was so slack jawed surprised when I dumped him...I was like "it's called effort, look it up"
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wildtrail
Apr 21, 2004, 8:39 PM
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In reply to: Wow, I can't belive Wildtrail's post. Good work. I'm impressed. I feel like I should send it to my ex. He was so slack jawed surprised when I dumped him...I was like "it's called effort, look it up"
Thanks, winter. However, maybe you should send it to bumblie who obviously doesn't have a clue what "maleness" is.
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climberchic
Apr 21, 2004, 8:49 PM
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Things I've Learned About Men...
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
Leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
Get in shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
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dookie
Apr 21, 2004, 9:02 PM
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Things I have learned about Men (part I)
Men have issues with their 'maleness'. Oh yes, it's true. Men's minds are constantly beset by doubts about their ability to look like a man, act like a man, how many times they can have sex in a given time frame ... you get the picture.
This is part of the reason men will constantly lose women due to their silly 'pride' and fear of losing their 'maleness'. Because subconciously they both love and hate the idea of needing a woman in their life.
Oftentimes women find it useful to make men feel needed - by asking them to do things like get things off of high shelves (which they could get themselves with a hop up or a stool, but won't - the men need to feel needed and women know we have a job to do there). Their 'maleness' is, after all, at stake. But usually they will perform said duties and make snide comments like 'here you go shorty', or 'that was easy, what's your problem!?'. Which is met with glares from the ladies. They then will notice and make some cute comment which will be met with a smile, as the women remember that they didn't NEED the man to do this, but rather he needed to do it for her. We are happy to oblige.
Just about any issue in relationships can be smoothed over by the female letting the man's 'maleness' shine through and making him feel important. For instance:
* A man runs a red light. Woman says nothing
* After being unable to send a route, man gets upset. Woman says nothing.
* Upon finding he no longer fits into his size 30 waist pants, man says to woman he's 'not what he used to be'. Woman says nothing.
see? Easy as pie. Ladies, just let em have their spats. They'll get over it ;)
Men can also never been embarassed by just about anything. Farting, belching, picking noses in public - it's all part of the ritual display of 'maleness' they find the urge to put on for the ladies. Think of the peacock ladies - he spreads that lovely tale to woo and impress. Likewise, displays of flatuance, gas, and other bodily functions they think somehow 'proves' their 'maleness' to other men as well as the ladies.
Woman must have evolved a natural protection from this:
perhaps one day, while cavewomen were gathering berries, two of them were in a patch when one let loose a big ol fart. The other fled in disgust and for the stench of it. Farting woman was teased constantly by the other women, and never was taken by a man to mate with because of her odor. She had no children.
natural selection at it's finest -- also the explanation of why women are considered the 'fairer sex', and of how women became to be unable to lay big stinkers like men. ;)
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dookie
Apr 21, 2004, 9:04 PM
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In reply to: Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound. Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
climberchic, these are especially classic!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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timstich
Apr 21, 2004, 9:05 PM
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In reply to: Wow, I can't belive Wildtrail's post. Good work. I'm impressed. I feel like I should send it to my ex. He was so slack jawed surprised when I dumped him...I was like "it's called effort, look it up"
http://www.siu.edu/...tles/simon_bgcvr.jpg
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macherry
Apr 21, 2004, 9:06 PM
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Wildtrail: i think i'm in love! :lol:
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donie
Apr 21, 2004, 9:07 PM
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i 've learned that women are superior..... in every way
they're smartehr, faster, funnier, fartier...more feckable......i mean they've got it all, the whole world in the palm of their hands.....
oh well maybe next lfe i can be a lesbian........................ 8^)
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wildtrail
Apr 21, 2004, 9:15 PM
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In reply to: Wildtrail: i think i'm in love! :lol:
I try. Honestly, I try. My wife is the most special and amazing person in my life. There is no one of this world I'd rather spend eternity with. She is my soulmate.
I can't think of anything better for my 10,000th post than to profess my undying love, gratitude, friendship, and desire for my wife, Tammy. She makes my world go round. :)
Okay, everybody. That was 10,000! Hope it was worth the wait for you.
I LOVE MY WIFE!!!!!
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superdiamonddave
Apr 21, 2004, 9:20 PM
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That's cool, wildtrail. 8^)
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