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subtle
Mar 15, 2005, 1:28 AM
Post #276 of 977
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In reply to: I've been working the blue and white problem at my gym for a while now . . . . I've developed a real sore middle finger from trying the move for two hours a day, and I'm inclined to stop, but the gym rates it a V3, and I don't want to be demoted to V2 if I don't send. I don't know what people will think of me. What do I do?
It's obviously true that your worth as a human being is directly related to the ratings of the gym problems you send...so I understand your concern at potentially being deomoted to...uuugghh...V2. Just don't tell anyone I was talking to you, ok?
Anyhow, there are a number of sucessful strategies to avoid the dreaded "Keep trying, you'll stay attached to that start hold someday!". My favorites:
1. Righteous Tired - This has two flavors, which can be combined into a tasty surf and turf of excuse-osity. When asked why you can't pull off the ground using the Mother of All Jugs, simply reply that you've already been in the gym for seventeen hours, and you're just doing easy laps to get a rad pump for the road, yo. Alternatively, if you are still in your street clothes and this seems unlikely to your audience, mention that you had a radge ill sesh yesterday working your lifetime proj, and after 357 limit burns on the V7 crux you might be a little weak today. You just hope the film crew got what they needed for your sponsors, word.
2. Working The Proj - This is a more advanced technique, but is quite useful when you are already mid-session and suddenly realize that you are somehow attracting extra gravity today. Abandon the V2- that you and your posse are working to death and go park yourself under Tendon Terror V9, Widowmaker V11 or Shirt out of Luck V13. Pull out your toothbrush and start cleaning the smallest, sharpest foot chip you can find until someone notices you. When asked what you're doing, just say "Oh, I'm just getting ready to give this a go. I figured I'd better brush this huge hold off first, because the drive-by cross-through gaston dyno to it is a little sketch, yo. You want to give it a try first?" At this point, your V2- pal will most likely flee back to jugland dribbling pee down their prana ninja pants.
Leaving your V3 rating is safe for another day...
Allez. Want to jump on this first? Homard.
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justhavefun
Mar 15, 2005, 5:04 AM
Post #277 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
I need gear. I don't have any extra money, and my REI dividend has already been spent on prAna capris. I thought about different ways I could obtain gear, but all the ideas I had involved sexual favours. Is there any other way?
Thank you for your sage advice.
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subtle
Mar 15, 2005, 6:50 PM
Post #278 of 977
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In reply to: I've been climbing seriously for about 10 years and want my first pair of shoes which should I get.
In reply to: I am new to climbing and want to climb the nose or the shield with my son which one?
Since you have managed to lose 10 years of experience in the hour and six minutes between posts, I can only assume that you are living in some parallel dimension with some sort of freaked out backward hyper-time or something. That being the case, you have probably regressed to the zygomatic state by this time, and are therefore going to have a hard time finding shoes that fit. Even the tightest V10s I've seen are going to be pretty sloppy on your single-cell nubbin feet...although pretty much every hold will be a jug...so there's positive aspects as well.
Always look on the bright side, backward hyper-time zygote boy...
Allez. Homard. .dramoH .zellA
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viciado
Mar 16, 2005, 10:25 AM
Post #279 of 977
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Registered: May 9, 2003
Posts: 429
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In reply to: Since you have managed to lose 10 years of experience in the hour and six minutes between posts, I can only assume that you are living in some parallel dimension with some sort of freaked out backward hyper-time or something. That being the case, you have probably regressed to the zygomatic state by this time, and are therefore going to have a hard time finding shoes that fit. Even the tightest V10s I've seen are going to be pretty sloppy on your single-cell nubbin feet...although pretty much every hold will be a jug...so there's positive aspects as well.
Dear NoOb,
As I read this, I felt a strange tingling sensation and the mists of memory swirled in a nebulous manner (as mists tend to do). With some difficulty (I, like most rc.com folks don't use the search engine... too much like un-wanted beta), I was able to recall to my consciousness a reply in which you referred to the (gasp) [indigo]PURPLE[/indigo] way. Could it be (oh please, oh please) that this individual has found a way to start over, and thus manipulate his own genes correcting his physical flaws, so that he (and his progeny) will be the BEST climber(s) ever? Has the mystery been solved? Is this the elusively enigmatic [indigo]PURPLE[/indigo] way? Please o' uber-guru, give us no more agro on this. Do not withhold this enlightenment. This IS beta that we all need! Expound to us the way of the [indigo]Purple![/indigo]
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subtle
Mar 17, 2005, 1:19 PM
Post #280 of 977
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In reply to: So should I get the big dog, and stay at my level, or should I get the little mutt and overnight be transformed into a true boulderer.
There are really only a few dog choices, for very specific situations:
The Local's Dog - The bigger the better. You live here, it's your damn area, and if your dog eats someone's lunch/crashpad/spotter...well...they didn't have to come here, did they? Preferred breeds: Wiemerclimber, Great Dyno, etc.
The Sketchy Drifter Dog - Nobody knows where you came from, nobody knows your name, you are really dirty, and you're drinking some snowmelt. Preferred breeds: Anything with some wolf in it. The more wolf, the better. Awhoooooo!
The Couple's Dog - Oooh, he's so cuuuuute. He's probably wearing a bandanna! He's just a furry little ball of joy...and everybody around you hates him. This will be the dog that gets fed to the Local's dog as soon as you aren't looking...and by the way...what are you doing in a relationship? You call yourself a Boulderer? Sheesh. Preferred Breeds: Who cares.
The Hardcore Climber Dog - This is a trick question. Hardcore climbers don't have dogs. Hardcore climbers also don't have jobs, girlfriends, food, a home, a 401k or a future. They just have a pair of rad shoes, a chalkbag, and the endless now of Working the Proj. Just like that movie Groundhog Day...but with slopers. Preferred Breeds: V10s, yo!
Allez. Milk Bone. Homard.
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cintune
Mar 17, 2005, 2:31 PM
Post #281 of 977
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In reply to: Allez. Milk Bone. Homard.
- Dear N00b.
I know you must get a lot of letters from different kinds of pet owners, but is there any particular etiquette for climbing with pet snakes? I find that it's really good exercise to get them out of their terrariums as much as posible, and thought rock climbing might be just the thing for them now that the weather's warming up. Can I just yell "SNAKE" when they approach other rock climbers? And do you think I should trust them with a grigri if they've only ever climbed in gyms before? These are big fellas, Burmese pythons, but they're very gentle and have hardly ever hurt anyone. They didn't seem to enjoy the ice-climbing at all, but I'm willing to give it another chance. Any advice would be appreciated.
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subtle
Mar 17, 2005, 11:01 PM
Post #282 of 977
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In reply to: I need gear. I don't have any extra money, and my REI dividend has already been spent on prAna capris. I thought about different ways I could obtain gear, but all the ideas I had involved sexual favours. Is there any other way?
Well, far be it from me to discourage anyone from transactional sex in exchange for material gain...but you might want to think this one over, first. Let's examine the facts...
No trad climber will ever part with any piece of gear, ever, even long after it has outlived it's usefulness and turned into a ticking time-bomb of impending deckosity...it just becomes...passive pro...or an active...paperweight. Regardless, they aren't swapping it for a quickie on the bivvy ledge because as by far the boldest and virile of all climbers, Traddies are practically wallowing in sex as it is. Any more, and they'd be too tired for the 34 pitches of 5.6- they have planned for tomorrow.
In theory a sport climber might swap a draw or two for a 'quick whipper', but to conform with the sporto aesthetic of 'attractive female' you're going to have to shrink down to 76lbs, dress all in black spandex, develop a French accent and change your name to 'Giselle' or 'Lizette' and say things like "Oooooh, Jean Luc, you are ever so aggressive on zee 5.8 plus! I fear I shall swoon, mon deu!". Probably not worth it, eh, mon cherie?
Ice Climbers are mostly pre-occupied with constantly sharpening thier tools. If this isn't an obvious enough Freudian metaphor, well...good luck to you.
Which brings us to boulderers. Any boulderer, anywhere, at any time, would gladly give his eternal soul for the mere possibility of sexual congress with any three-dimensional flesh and blood woman...and most would consider it for 1/2 hour alone with the not-at-all-exploitive-of-women photo section of Urban Climber and some privacy, yo. Finally, a receptive audience, right? Wrong! Because what will you get in return for your 43 seconds of the Crashpad Nasty?...some...chalk? Maybe a roll of tape? Half a Clif bar, if you get insanely lucky. He's a boulderer after all, and all he's got is rad pimp steezos.
And those cannot be shared.
Allez. Where's that Urban Climber? Homard.
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subtle
Mar 18, 2005, 7:21 PM
Post #283 of 977
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In reply to: ...is there any particular etiquette for climbing with pet snakes? I find that it's really good exercise to get them out of their terrariums as much as posible, and thought rock climbing might be just the thing for them now that the weather's warming up. Can I just yell "SNAKE" when they approach other rock climbers? And do you think I should trust them with a grigri if they've only ever climbed in gyms before?
I can't imagine that taking a pet snake to the crag would be any more dangerous than bringing, say, the typical gumbed-up rental-shoe significant other or family member that 'just wants to check it out', sit on a rock and eat powerbars in the wilderness. There are a few unique considerations to be aware of, though...like...the relative lack of...arms. This will be...somewhat...difficult to overcome. As near as I can tell, this could conceivably impact: putting on a harness, putting on it's shoe, tying in, hanging draws, clipping, climbing, cleaning the anchor and route, feeding slack, eating a powerbar, flaking the rope, stick clipping, and a few other things. Or, oh, about 99.98% of the sport. It's the other 0.02%, though, where he'll really excel.
Snakes are cold-blooded creatures that generate little internal warmth, and therefore need to sun themselves on rocks to boost their body temperature. Your snake will therefore be happiest sitting around doing nothing...very much like a...boulderer. If you can teach your snake to say "Rad, yo!" and "I'm totally working the Proj, brah!", it can probably get a couple of sponsorships and a smallish part in Sloper Slapper XI - Serpent Sendfest. Just wait 'till the camera is pointing away and sort of...throw him up to the finish jug. Rad! Are you Chris Ssssssharma?
Allez. Slithery Dyno. Homard.
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subtle
Mar 18, 2005, 7:21 PM
Post #284 of 977
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In reply to: ...is there any particular etiquette for climbing with pet snakes? I find that it's really good exercise to get them out of their terrariums as much as posible, and thought rock climbing might be just the thing for them now that the weather's warming up. Can I just yell "SNAKE" when they approach other rock climbers? And do you think I should trust them with a grigri if they've only ever climbed in gyms before?
I can't imagine that taking a pet snake to the crag would be any more dangerous than bringing, say, the typical gumbed-up rental-shoe significant other or family member that 'just wants to check it out', sit on a rock and eat powerbars in the wilderness. There are a few unique considerations to be aware of, though...like...the relative lack of...arms. This will be...somewhat...difficult to overcome. As near as I can tell, this could conceivably impact: putting on a harness, putting on it's shoe, tying in, hanging draws, clipping, climbing, cleaning the anchor and route, feeding slack, eating a powerbar, flaking the rope, stick clipping, and a few other things. Or, oh, about 99.98% of the sport. It's the other 0.02%, though, where he'll really excel.
Snakes are cold-blooded creatures that generate little internal warmth, and therefore need to sun themselves on rocks to boost their body temperature. Your snake will therefore be happiest sitting around doing nothing...very much like a...boulderer. If you can teach your snake to say "Rad, yo!" and "I'm totally working the Proj, brah!", it can probably get a couple of sponsorships and a smallish part in Sloper Slapper XI - Serpent Sendfest. Just wait 'till the camera is pointing away and sort of...throw him up to the finish jug. Rad! Are you Chris Ssssssharma?
Allez. Slithery Dyno. Homard.
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feral_raccoon
Mar 19, 2005, 6:10 PM
Post #285 of 977
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Oh Ham-eating Prana-beanie-wearing Radge-ish Noob,
It is with tears in my eyes and a quivering heart that I report to you success, yes success, on a project. Here is how it happened:
Two weeks ago I bid farewell to my rock rings and journeyed far into another land. A land without ham sandwiches, without prana labels on clothes, and without sticky rubber shoes for sale.
In this land I walked, drinking from puddles and playing my flute, until I came across a lump of rock. A most exquisitely beautiful and chalk-free lump of rock. I sensed that this rock, sitting as it did in the midst of nowhere, had never before been ascended, so I sat by the rock and began to contemplate its delicate features. I named the rock "procrastination".
I don’t know how many days I sat there, but finally I came to be one with the rock. It was only then, at that moment of deep spiritual connection, that I stood up and sent the rock. Yes, no falls, no desperate cries, no trembling limbs, just a graceful, smooth ascent up its crystalline face. You can imagine my astonishment upon accomplishing this feat – I think the rock may have even been V0 (but not being a bona-fide boulderer, I cannot be entirely sure).
Only later did the confusion set in. You see, I was barefoot at the time, with no ham in my belly and no prana shorts on my butt. Yet still I sent my test-piece. How could this be? And where do I go from here? Should I now focus on understanding the deepest mysteries of being by developing my spirituality, or should I instead focus on stuffing my face with ham sandwiches, as I take the first steps along the tortuous path from "procrastination" to "realization"?
Feral Raccoon
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mistertyler
Mar 21, 2005, 7:05 PM
Post #286 of 977
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Dear n00b,
This is kinda embarrasing to ask but the other day I was toproping a wicked route at the quarry near my house (okay its really my moms house but I was staying there for the week cuz my dads out of town and doesnt trust me to stay alone cuz I got in trouble lastime when I had friends over when he was out of town and we got into his liqor cabinet and he found out when he got home and was p1553d!!!). Anyways I got real sketched on the crux and suddenly I totally had to go #2 real bad and my friend Larry told me that next time Im working an extreme route at the quarry I should carry a poop tube on my rack just in case, but I always heard poop tubes were for were El Captain and stuff.
Do they sell poop tubes for top roping?
Thanx!
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quas
Mar 21, 2005, 8:15 PM
Post #287 of 977
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Registered: Sep 25, 2002
Posts: 27
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How do they get the rope up there anyways?
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subtle
Mar 22, 2005, 3:03 AM
Post #288 of 977
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In reply to: Do they sell poop tubes for top roping?
I suppose this was an issue that needed to be dealt with eventually.
We here at Ask The NOOB, Inc. are committed to providing a pert and, dare we say, sassy response to conventional, sane and...responsible advice columns. We like to think that we are the edgy alternative to..errrr...common sense...kinda like you'd get from that cool uncle who smells like alcohol and has a missing finger or something. I may tell you to tie your belayer in with an 8 knot made of dental floss...and I might suggest that your belayer be a snake...and I could recommend a beanie for said snake to make him look rad, yo...
...but I am not going to tell you how to poop. You are on your own there, brah.
Allez. Charmin. Homard.
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subtle
Mar 22, 2005, 3:11 AM
Post #289 of 977
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In reply to: How do they get the rope up there anyways?
This feels like a Multiple Choice:
a. Rope Monkeys.
b. They grow there, nobody knows why.
c. The ropes wonder 'how did those people get down there?'
d. They are remnants from Dave Graham's evil plan to do every route this year and downgrade them all to 5.9-
e. Your partner left it there for you to top-rope on.
I'm going with A.
Allez. Get your hands off me you damn filthy Ape. Homard.
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subtle
Mar 22, 2005, 3:52 AM
Post #290 of 977
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In reply to: You see, I was barefoot at the time, with no ham in my belly and no prana shorts on my butt. Yet still I sent my test-piece. How could this be? And where do I go from here? Should I now focus on understanding the deepest mysteries of being by developing my spirituality, or should I instead focus on stuffing my face with ham sandwiches, as I take the first steps along the tortuous path from "procrastination" to "realization"?
A short, short time ago, in a galaxy not terribly far away...in the murky swamps of Dagobah, where I was bivvying with Master Yoda and Chris Sharma, I felt a stirring. "Sends her project she does, oorrrrrhh!", Master Yoda intoned. "Rad, yo", added Zen Master Sharma, before returning to campusing the V9 tree root problem hanging from the roof of the mud hut. I remained silent...lost in contemplation...
Some time later...after dredging out my X-Wing fighter, taking a nap inside a Taunton, flying to the cloud city to retrieve my beanie that was frozen in carbonite, and numerous lightsaber battles with Jason Kehl...I had the answer. I remembered the words of my teacher, Obi Wan Dynobi...
"The Jedi must learn to feel The Ham within them. The Ham, the force that binds the climbing universe together...the invisible tendon-tape of the galaxy...the radge ish that makes life possible. When you learn to master The Ham within you, young jedi, you will be subtle rad, yo."
But beware The Dark Side of The Ham...it's power is great, this is true. But that power comes at a terrible price.
I know it all too well...
Allez. Sith Boulderer. Homard.
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cintune
Mar 22, 2005, 1:43 PM
Post #291 of 977
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Dear N00b,
I saw a commercial on television last night about a place where you can climb the inside of this ice-chimney in the middle of a glacier, and when you get about halfway up you drill into the ice and there's a little black button. When you push the button, all of a sudden you're in this way cool black car. This looks like a really rewarding route, except THEY DON'T TELL YOU WHERE IT IS! Talk about a teaser. I really want to do this climb while the ice cave is still there and before they run out of cars. Do you know where it is? Camping/food/shower/gas stations nearby?
Thanks, n00b!
PS: There's another one where you get a white car if you finish a cave-dive, but I want the black one first.
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Mar 23, 2005, 3:00 AM
Post #292 of 977
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Dear Noob,
Here's the dilemma, nearly all my climbing dudes are off at RedRock for a week of sport+trad routes. So while the crew is all off ticking off those reallly hard 16 pitch 5.3 routes I'm back in new england trying to come up with ways to justify my (sorry) existence. While this hasn't been entirely un-fruitful, sending the 2 5.9 boulder problems at the local gym isn't the same without some loyal dude helping out with obnoxious beta.
In between working and late-winter trips to the gym I did manage to concoct a pretty ok knock off of the Climb-On! bar for those really sore fingers I get after a really spicy 5.6 TR. Otherwise, however this week so far just doesn't have much to say for itself.
Can you think of anything Noob I can do or say when they-all get back that's gonna break the monotony of hearing what a great time thay all 've been having that I missed (dissimulations would be fine so long as they're plausible).
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cintune
Mar 24, 2005, 3:58 PM
Post #293 of 977
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http://imagex.homedepot.com/...s/eplus/132468_4.jpg
Dear NOOB,
I'm thinking of getting a few of these for my trad rack, but do you think they would work as well on sport climbs? My climbing partner and I were arguing about this and finally I said: "Let's just ask the NOOB." I admit that weight-to-strength-wise they run a little on the heavy:weak side, but my point is that sometimes nothing else will do the job. Have you had any experience with this kind of pro? Am I just being old fashioned? Do you know if I can get them anodized anywhere? That would be sweet.
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subtle
Mar 27, 2005, 10:49 PM
Post #294 of 977
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Do I think you should purchase a giant 5lb C-Clamp and try to pass it off as a high-tech piece of climbing gear? Are you kidding me? Sheesh, get an extra one for me, while you're at the...errr, hardware...store. All you're going to need are a few minor modifications and you're all set to be the dope shizz at the crag, brah. They are:
Sponsor Cred - Slap a Pretzl sticker on that bad boy and claim that it's the new Uber-Biner that they're 'currently evaluating, yo'. If anyone asks...and they will...it's made 'out of that stealth bomber stuff...but it's, like, totally environmentally friendly...it's like...stealth...wood'. Stealth wood...smooth one there, pimp.
Gear Exotica - You're obviously not attaching a plumbing supply item to your ass and hauling it up the proj...Tommy Caldwell would never do that, right? A little nomenclatural kung-fu, though, and you're good to go. Is it a non-locking tension biner?!? An un-anodized non-stick clippable pressure-krab? A #50 nut? Nope. 'They're calling it Gear-X, yo, until the tradeshow rollout'. Man, you're such an insider. Can you get me Sharma's autograph?
Since people are now convinced that Yvonne Chouinard has you on speed dial, it's time to bring it on home. Rack that bad boy up and get your send on. I'd suggest trying not to fall on it, since most plumbing supply products are rated to like .01KN, soooooo...maybe you should back it up with a toilet plunger chock and some pitons made of garden weasel tines. Bomber.
Allez. Stealth Wood...heh heh heh. Homard.
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cfmwh
Mar 28, 2005, 11:55 PM
Post #296 of 977
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Dear N00B,
I can not find a crag anywhere with really close parking and am having trouble hiking the .25 to 1 mile trail to the crag in my nifty-new super arched bouldering shoes. What should I do?
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justafurnaceman
Mar 29, 2005, 12:46 AM
Post #297 of 977
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Isn't this how everyone climbs?
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mburke225
Mar 29, 2005, 12:55 AM
Post #298 of 977
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Guys,
After 20 pages of the Noob trying to teach us the true spirit of rockclimbing, am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture?
HE'S WEARING A SHIRT!!!
Of course it's hard for him.
1) He's not wearing a Prana beanie.
2) Probably didn't even meditate to get in touch with the problem beforehand.
3) No visible tattoo's
This guy was toasted from the start. Geez.
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subtle
Mar 29, 2005, 5:19 PM
Post #299 of 977
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Posts: 438
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That is exactly the corrrect way to boulder, brah. You should all closely examine this photo, and learn from the master.
We Don't Need No Stinking Beanie! - Holmes here is self-confident enough to get out to les blocs in what appears to be some circa 1997 fitted baseball hat replete with ample salt and/or beer stains. I can't see if it has an International Harvester or CAT Diesel logo, but I sure hope it does. He's saying, in case you missed it, "Ya'll can take yer co-op manufactured, patchouli oil smelling hemp fiber beanie and cram it up yer pie hole". Rad. BTW, in case you think that this isn't the dope shizzle, please note recent videos of James Litz sending V13s in a backward Nike hat...running to dig that Fred Durst Model Red NY Yankees cap out of the back of the closet, aren't you? I thought so...
Old Skool Tribal Tatts - Save your mystical power symbols, your chinese glyphs that mean 'dynamic force', and your all-seeing eyes. This dude is rocking a vintage Motley Crue Inspired tribal band...indicating that not only has he Shouted At The Devil and Smoked In the Boys Room, he may in fact have been around Girls, Girls, Girls...which is more than 99.998% of boulderers can say.
Serious about his Spot - So the hat and the tatt fairly scream "Live fast, die young, and leave a trailer home full of empty PBR cans"...but look closer. This is no green-shoed epic-gumb, spastically twitching their way up a V0- above certain death and dismemberment. This man has his shznit together. No spotter? No problem! "I'm so frigging dope, I can spot myself and send this pig with an extra 25lbs on my back." We can't see it from this picture, but I strongly suspect he campused the last two moves, then tore open a warm PBR and cranked up some Dokken on a portable boom-box.
You are my hero, sir.
Allez. Warm PBR goes good with Ham. Homard.
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justafurnaceman
Mar 29, 2005, 11:46 PM
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Dear Noob,
I FINALLY DID IT!!! I took in all of your advice and finally sended the problem!! I sat by it for hours taking in it's vibes and charma trying to be one with it. Then I went and put on all my gear, harness, helmet, nuts, QD, slings, and anything I thought I would need. I set down my mattress (crash pads are too expensive) than sat on it for hours trying to draw the last spirits that were in the problem so I could send with ease.
I then stood up, tied myself to the rope, anchored up, then climbed and climbed and climbed so more. About half way up I stopped and ate my ham sandwhich then started climbing some more. I didn't think that I was going to make it but then I thought "what would the Great, Powerful, and All Knowing Noob do?". He would keep on going, so I kept on climbing even though the great heights scared me and my arms were starting to get pumped out but then with the last strength of energy I crawled over the top. I MADE IT, I MADE IT!! I FINALLY CLIMBED MY 4 FOOT STEP LADDER AND CHANGED THE KITCHEN LIGHT!!!
My wife was so impressed with me that...., well never mind, let's say she was proud of me.
In writing this I would to say thanks and if in nine months my wife has a boy may we name him after you?
Thanks, next week I think, after a long rest, I might change the lights in the living room.
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