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Partner brent_e


Nov 6, 2006, 7:22 AM
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Dearest Subtle,
I have acquired a golden trophy for a witty remark in a thread. I have 3 other trophies in my collection online. I am wondering what wood will be the best for my virtual trophy case. Is ebony ok? Should I just stick with pine? Or should i try cyber cyprus?


thank you.


subtle


Nov 16, 2006, 3:17 AM
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Re: [al_piner] the dating game [In reply to]
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In reply to:
Dear NooB ,

Can you tell me how to make and use a poop tube . I don't plan on doing any big walls for quite a while but I do need one ASAP. Last week I soiled myself on this sketchy 5.2 runout .
I don't want this happening any more because it's bad enough having other climbers yelling at me to " put a hat on cause the sun hitting your bald spot is distracting us ! " and a partner that calls me ' Haulbag ' .


Hmmmmm...interesting. For those of you who have not been following along, I sort of made a rule a ways back that I would not respond to any poop-related posts on the...I thought...eminently reasonable grounds that if you don't know how to go to the bathroom, there's not much I can do to help. But this isn't a pooping question...it's a gear question...and I do answer those. Well played, sir...well played indeed.

Further adding to my answerological condundrum is the fact that I'm a boulderer...and if you happen to have seen Dave Graham in Dosage IV, you know we really don't eat a whole lot. It's not like there's a whole lot of fiber in an Xtreme Blueberry Turbo Slurpee, either, brah. So, much like with dating and belaying advice...ahem, pun not intended as far as you know...I'm going to have to logically work through this step by step as I go. Good luck, and I hope you can hold it...

Ok. You're obviously a trad climber, which means you probably have all manner of garbage...errrr, gear, sorry...clipped to your harness, some of which you probably don't remember is there. Check around the next time you're allegedly belaying your leader...he's not going to fall, he's sitting on a foot chip having a ham sandwich five feet above you. You're definately going to want something sturdy...because an improperly caged dooker is a hazard to your whole expedition. Nothing promising, eh? Well, thank goodness you did remember to bring quadrupled cams from .4 to 4 and nine sets of nuts...running out a 5.3+ is skeeery. Ok, you're going to have to improvise. Your probable best bets are either the half-empty gallon can of beans that got you into this mess in the first place...or your partner's lucky wool hat that Royal Robbins gave him in 1977 that he got married in and later saved his life in the death zone on Nanga Parbat.

Psssssh. Like he's going to miss that.

Allez. This is why boulderers keep their beanies on. Homard.


majid_sabet


Nov 16, 2006, 7:32 AM
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n00b
You been following my post and red tagging them left and right. So with this new RC your As* got grounded and no more red tag, so now put that helmet on rat and take your so called climbing AS$ back on that wall and move it.


justthemaid


Nov 16, 2006, 2:12 PM
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Re: [majid_sabet] the dating game [In reply to]
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Majid's kinda cute when he's mad. I just wanna pinch his little cheeks.


subtle


Nov 28, 2006, 2:07 AM
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Re: [booger] the dating game [In reply to]
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booger wrote:
Noobers,

My climbing prowess has suffered as a direct result of the waning popularity of your thread. I would sue you, but... well, I don't live in America anymore. So instead, I decided to ask a question.

Recently, I saw some strife in the Community pages regarding a Super Taco. Is this some kind of Mexican climbing gym? Or has the standard American climbing diet been usurped by the foreign-made stuff? We don't have Mexican food here in Europe. Actually, we don't even have any Mexicans. Could you explain this Super Taco phenomenon, and how it may help or hinder my climbing?

I'll sue if you don't answer... and if I ever move to America.
Taz

I don't really spend much time in Community, since as near as I can tell it's entirely populated by 48 year old men trolling for nubile sport climbing vixens with sophisticated pick-uppetry like "Once you go Trad...it's...ummm, not so bad" and "Is your rack as nice as my rack...well, nevermind...let's just talk about my rack...look at the lobes on that cam...ooooOOOOhhh, mamma!"

Smooth like butter, broham.

I'm pretty sure that since neither you or I actually know what the Super Taco Phenomenon is...you're probably pretty safe. Unless, of course, it's a secret government conspiracy to use Alien (Dave Graham, Jason Kehl) gravity control technology (V10s, Dragons) and slick propaganda (Dosage IV) to homogenize (matching prAna outfits) the youth into a single parasitic client organism for the military/industrial complex (gas to the crag, free range organic energy bars made of soylent green). But...like I said...I don't think there's anything to worry about. By the way, have I told you how rad Dosage IV is? You should watch it, all the cool people are. Dave Graham does this sick move on Terremer V15 wearing one Dragon and one V10.

I think I'm going to go have an energy bar now...

Allez. The Truth is Out There. Homard.


marvinz


Dec 1, 2006, 10:59 AM
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Re: [subtle] Ask the NOOB [In reply to]
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Dearest Mr. Noob

It has recently come to my attention that rc.com has an 'adult content (nudity)' box which can be checked upon submission of digital photographic images to aforementioned interweb netsite.

Thusly, my query is twofold;

WTF! People climb nekid?!?!?!? I mean, in Germany sure, but other places too?

Secondly, and most importantly, where are these nude crags and do they have lots of bushes for me to hide in ... uh, you know ... for sociological observation purposes.

Sincerely

Dr. Spanken ... uh, er ... Crankenstein


subtle


Dec 4, 2006, 3:34 AM
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Re: [marvinz] Ask the NOOB [In reply to]
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marvinz wrote:
Dearest Mr. Noob

It has recently come to my attention that rc.com has an 'adult content (nudity)' box which can be checked upon submission of digital photographic images to aforementioned interweb netsite.

Thusly, my query is twofold;

WTF! People climb nekid?!?!?!? I mean, in Germany sure, but other places too?

Secondly, and most importantly, where are these nude crags and do they have lots of bushes for me to hide in ... uh, you know ... for sociological observation purposes.

Sincerely

Dr. Spanken ... uh, er ... Crankenstein

In the interests of preserving my journalisitic integrity, I could not possibly respond to a question about hypothetical pr0n trove on RC.Com without a thorough first-person fact-finding mission...so, with that in mind, I double-locked the door to my room, threw a blanket over the monitor and got to work.

After a couple of hours of fruitless searches of several thousand highly rated yet eerily similar action shots of the Iron Man Traverse and incalculable sunset photos of something called a 'buttress'...not what I was hoping for, by the way...I realized I had the adult filter set to 'on'. Tsk, tsk...this won't do...it won't do at all. After re-adjusting my protective goggles, I...with shaking hand...clicked the 'off' button and braced myself for the inevitable Guccione-esqe explosion of skintastic JPEG-erry...and...

Nothing.

After I finished weeping...it took a while, I'm not going to lie...I tried to puzzle through this inexplicable smut-drought in the newly gomorrahized photo database. Since it seems like every gumb with a beanie is grabbing 32 frames per second of jug-hauling while not spotting their climber, your average crag or bouldering area currently has video coverage that would make the Department of Homeland Security jealous. If there were naked climbers...surely we'd have seen them...unless that damn Sasquatch is blocking the view again.

Seriously, man, get out of the frame. You! Hairy guy! Shoo!


Allez. RC.Com Pr0n. Unicorns. Santa. Lies! Homard.


ihategrigris


Dec 20, 2006, 9:03 PM
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Re: [subtle] Ask the NOOB [In reply to]
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Dearest nooB:

Are there any multipitch sport climbs in Red Rocks?!?!


(This post was edited by ihategrigris on Dec 23, 2006, 5:36 AM)


racer999


Dec 22, 2006, 9:41 PM
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Hey Mr. Noob,

I love climbing in the gym. Mostly because a) there isn’t so much dirt and b) there are lotsa chicks and I look good in underarmor. So I usually enter the gym with my climbing backpack, three pairs of shoes, and two chalk bags. And three harnesses, of course. Gear makes the man and all… Anyway, I see really good climbers with ropes so I figured chicks would dig me more if I had one too. I don’t go in for that leading or anything, it’s just that it seems a lot easier to talk to them when you are flaking the rope (over and over) than while actually climbing.

So my question – What rope should I buy?

Sorry if this was asked above – I’m too busy with my stone nudes calendar to actually read the posts.


sgauss


Dec 22, 2006, 10:03 PM
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Mr N00b!

I would like to be a l33t RC poster. I think it would be way cool! My question is, how do I get to 10,000 posts, and still have time to climb?


subtle


Dec 23, 2006, 4:55 AM
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sgauss wrote:
Mr N00b!

I would like to be a l33t RC poster. I think it would be way cool! My question is, how do I get to 10,000 posts, and still have time to climb?

You know, I just recently went to the East Coast premiere of a pretty good climbing movie called Specimen by Chuck Fryberger. In it, a trad climber named Cedar embarks on a trancendental Rocklands VisionQuest to discover the true soul of bouldering and...hopefully...crank a mad dope V10 proj, yo. This is bush-league junior-varsity hokery compared to the monumental significance of your nigh-incomprehensible mission to break the five-digit post-count barrier. I am told that Josh Lowell pulled a five-person film crew out during Sharma's crux throw on La Rambla and has them Lear-jetting to your current location as we speak. They plan to document your epic siege ground-up, post-by-post, overlaid with an up-beat new age soundtrack interspersed with contemplative spiritual passages where you reflect on what posting means to you in obscure eastern metaphors. The emotional crux will be your moment of self-doubt on post 8763, when you don't know if you can push through the mouse-finger blisters and the crippling carpal tunnel to submit that answer to the guy who wanted to know which shoes to buy...the way you're going to look deep within yourself and gather strength as your posse yells "You know this, brah! Fight! Allez!" as your finger...slowly...imperceptibly...clicks...

[Post reply]


Allez. No...You rock. Homard.


sactownclimber


Dec 23, 2006, 5:03 AM
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Re: [subtle] the dating game [In reply to]
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In reply to:
As any trad climber worth the ham on their sammy will tell you . . . we're going to have to be better stewards of our environment . . . and, errrr, have children.

One of your finer moments, subtle . . . laughed out loud . . . loudly . . .


(This post was edited by sactownclimber on Dec 23, 2006, 5:05 AM)


AngusBeefheart


Dec 24, 2006, 8:43 PM
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Re: [sactownclimber] the dating game [In reply to]
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Dear Mr. n00b,

I am a trad climbing and also a marine biologist. As such, marine biologists are required to wear red watch caps to let the world know who they are. My problem is that often my watch cap gets mistaken for a red beanie and people think I'm a boulderer. How can I avoid this confusion while still being true to my life aquatic?

Also, can I replace my ham with grouper (the pork of the sea)?


Partner philbox
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Dec 25, 2006, 12:27 AM
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Re: [AngusBeefheart] the dating game [In reply to]
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AngusBeefheart wrote:
Also, can I replace my ham with grouper (the pork of the sea)?

I heard it tastes like Chicken. At least I do know what Queensland Groper tastes like and it can't be too far from that taste.


AngusBeefheart


Dec 25, 2006, 1:10 AM
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philbox wrote:
At least I do know what Queensland Groper tastes like and it can't be too far from that taste.

The queensland groper sounds like some sort of sexual predator...


subtle


Dec 27, 2006, 12:15 AM
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racer999 wrote:
Hey Mr. Noob,

I love climbing in the gym. Mostly because a) there isn’t so much dirt and b) there are lotsa chicks and I look good in underarmor. So I usually enter the gym with my climbing backpack, three pairs of shoes, and two chalk bags. And three harnesses, of course. Gear makes the man and all… Anyway, I see really good climbers with ropes so I figured chicks would dig me more if I had one too. I don’t go in for that leading or anything, it’s just that it seems a lot easier to talk to them when you are flaking the rope (over and over) than while actually climbing.

So my question – What rope should I buy?

I once owned a climbing rope, believe it or not...so I'm reasonably familiar with the topic. Chicks...ummm...not so much.

Now, normally you'd just trot on down to Neptune's and get yourself 70M of the newest $398.99 bi-pattern 7.2mm reverse-weave, free-range cruelty-free hemp 'n spectra blend uber-floss...guaranteed to hold up to one fall, hypothetically, as long as you're emaciated, French...or hopefully both. Raaaaad, yo! Except that as soon as you unfurl it at the gym you'll be immediately surrounded by a group of spandex-clad sport-weenie guys ogling and petting it in some quasi-pornographic twine-envy ritual. Have you ever seen a woman elbow her way into a cluster of excessively vaccuum-packed dudes muttering "It's so silky" under their breath? You never will, broham...you never will.

Now after a prolonged period of lurking...ahhhhh...research...in The Ladies Room forum, I believe I may have the answer. It is...apparently...all about Girth, not Length. Sure, being long enough to never stop going is a plus...but if you're too soft to handle well and don't produce enough friction through her tube-style device...well...what girl would want to belay you?

Girth, bro. Stand out from the limp-noodle crowd by towing in a spool of 3" Battleship-grade steel cable mooring line. It'll hold about 4.5 million falls, and in a pinch you can slide down it like a firepole instead of downclimbing the route. Clip that bad boy into your 5 horsepower winch-style belay device and prepare to be swooned upon.

Allez. That was a rope thread...wasn't it? Homard.


subtle


Dec 28, 2006, 3:01 AM
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AngusBeefheart wrote:
Dear Mr. n00b,

I am a trad climbing and also a marine biologist. As such, marine biologists are required to wear red watch caps to let the world know who they are. My problem is that often my watch cap gets mistaken for a red beanie and people think I'm a boulderer. How can I avoid this confusion while still being true to my life aquatic?

Also, can I replace my ham with grouper (the pork of the sea)?

I imagine this didn't used to be a problem, no? You were free to roam the seas, jauntily flashing your scarlett noggin-coddler at the...ummm, kelp...and whatnot...as you searched for Dryland and tried to evade a poorly cast Marlboro-toting Dennis Hopper on a jet ski. Then, as is so often the case, Chris Sharma showed up and pretty much ruined everything. A couple of gnarly deep-water soloing videos...or psicobloc for you degenerate europhiles...and every dirty hippie with a drybag full of chalk and a pair of water wings was converging on any choss pile poking above the surf line. Flotillias of people you couldn't pay to bathe are dog-paddling against the current along every fijord, isthmus and jetty looking for the perfect line that's going to bag them fame, a tape sponsorship and...hopefully...a tow back to shore.

Oooooh, and here you come in your...yacht...they're going to hate you, brah. Even if you try your best to make way with no wake, you're still going to capsize a couple of dozen crashpad & nalgene pontoon rafts that were tenuously anchored at the base of the proj. You'd probably get flipped off a lot more, except they need both arms a-paddling to keep their heads above water.

So...in summary...unless you are also wringing a gallon of seawater out of your droodlocks while trying to repair the coral damage to your pool-floatie without the benefit of sponsor-provided tape...I don't think anyone is going to mistake you for a boulderer.

Until you step onto shore, that is.

Allez. Yarrrr! Thar he throws...the Great White Flail! Homard.


marvinz


Jan 3, 2007, 8:34 AM
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Sir

Can you please help a fellow scientician guide his patients through the obviously psychologically damaging cognitive dissonance created by this photo, so recklessly posted to rc.com?



Yours professionally

Dr. Crankenstein


subtle


Jan 4, 2007, 1:35 AM
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marvinz wrote:
Sir

Can you please help a fellow scientician guide his patients through the obviously psychologically damaging cognitive dissonance created by this photo, so recklessly posted to rc.com?

[image]http://www.rockclimbing.com/images/photos/assets/7/296657-largest_rock_kiss.jpg[/image]

Yours professionally

Dr. Crankenstein


Ironically enough, I know these people.

Well, I don't really know those specific people...but I know about a million zillion people just like them...and they follow me around everywhere. Generally, they show up just after I've finished my warm up, mid-way thorough my hour of zen mediation and finger tape application. They're nice enough folks, and they ask all sorts of funny questions about what I'm doing. I reply with all of the usual stock jokes. I tell them my crashpad is a Sex Futon...that always confuses them...and, umm, me too...but for different reasons. I show them why this particular boulder necessitates a yellow V10 on one foot and a red Dragon on the other. I explain why I'm using three different toothbrushes to clean the same big giant hold that looks like you could just...y'know...grab right onto it with no trouble at all. Then, as I focus my chi and journey to my Spirit Cave to visit my Power Animal, they sink into a respectful...possibly awed...silence as they contemplate the typhoon of pimp steezos I'm clearly about to unleash on this hardcore V1+ testpiece. A few spastic lunges and some pathetic whimperings later, and I'm back on the Sex Futon...errr...crashpad...cracking open my 6th Red Bull of the morning and pantomiming my way through my beta sequence to look for any potential flaws. Lock off on the gaston and release the bicycle...the feet cut...stab into a drop knee and...man, it shouldn't be this hard pulling off the ground.

Then, it happens. Mr. Tank Top wants to try.

I do my best not to crush his enthusiasm. I explain that climbing is difficult, and that he shouldn't feel too bad if he can't do it. I show him where to start and the general line of the problem, then prepare to do my best not to laugh. This isn't a problem, though, since he hikes the problem in his three year old blown-out New Balance lawn-mowing sneakers. Instead, I get to do my best not to cry as he yells down to Mrs. Tank Top "That was really fun! C'mon up, sweetie, you should see the view from up here!"

I don't have to draw you a picture...you've already seen the picture.

She hikes the problem. Then he downclimbs the problem and does it again, skipping a few of the big holds that make it 'too easy'. After her third or fourth lap up the proj, she mentions to him that they really should bring her Aunt out here, she thinks this climbing thing would really be good for her arthritis. And her bad hip.

After a few more eliminate burns and an accidental onsighting of a harder problem that veers off to the left, they regretfully announce that they have to go. They sure did appreciate me teaching them to be rock climbers. Before they go, though, could they ask one favor?

Would I mind taking a quick picture for them?

Allez. ARRRRRRRRRRRGH! Say Cheese! ARRRRRRRGH! Homard.


marvinz


Jan 5, 2007, 9:02 AM
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Ahhhh .... very wise Obi nOOB Kenobi, but try to explain away this obomination ...



I'm afraid that even your highly advanced powers of rationalization may be no match for this. Next time I'll post something easier ... like Yeti or a flying saucer.


subtle


Jan 8, 2007, 3:52 AM
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marvinz wrote:
Ahhhh .... very wise Obi nOOB Kenobi, but try to explain away this obomination ...

[image]http://www.rockclimbing.com/images/photos/assets/6/281706-largest_1854.jpg[/image]

I'm afraid that even your highly advanced powers of rationalization may be no match for this. Next time I'll post something easier ... like Yeti or a flying saucer.

I am not able or qualified to respond to this post. For those of you who have been following the ongoing Algonquin Roundtable of eye-gouging occuring in the Xtreme Pre-natal Care thread, it will be immediately obvious that I cannot respond to the picture of a woman's breast getting an over-attentive spot for the following reasons:

1. I have a Y chromosome. And a penis. This is a volatile combination in any case, but when combined with my dangerously low IQ and a computer keyboard...well...who knows where it could lead. Were it frequently leads is to about 15,000 page views and a reputation as Andrew Dice Clay's uncouth cro-mag inbred backwoods cousin. No thanks, brah.

2. I do not know if this photo was posted by the grabber or the grabee, and therefore do not know which faction to pander to in the photo comments section. Imagine my retroactive horror at posting up a "That's outrageous!" when a "Yeah, man!" was called for? Or vice-versa. I mean, I just want to be right, y'know...and by right, I mean on the winning team in the shout-off as early as possible.

3. I probably don't climb as hard as any of the people in the picture...or the people who will look at the picture...or, ummm, read this post...so my opinions on matters of people, pictures, posts and climbing are completely irrelevant. Some day I will actually pull off the ground, though, at which point I have a few things I want to get off my chest.

...just like that woman is probably thinking about that guy's hand.

Allez. That wasn't an answer. You can't pin me down! I said nothing! Homard.


sgauss


Jan 9, 2007, 9:14 PM
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Dear Mr. Noob,

After extensive lurking here at RC, I've hit upon my master strategery for learning to trad climbing. Unfortunately, I've run into a small problem. My trad Mentor seems unimpressed by my ham sandwiches. What should I do?

I'm using only brand-name ingredients, ie butternut bread and Oscar Meyer ham. Should I use two slices of ham? Maybe a little mayo? Help me!!!!


hiyapokey


Jan 12, 2007, 8:22 PM
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Holy smokes there's definetly not enough sport climbs in Red Rocks. I'm going out right now to buy a hammer drill and bolt up some of the "harder" cracks. Maybe then I can get some props as a developer!


fancyclaps


Jan 12, 2007, 8:56 PM
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Registered: Nov 23, 2005
Posts: 210

Re: [subtle] the dating game [In reply to]
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D3ar n00b,

As me and my homies were working the dyno on my sick V1 slab project, I realized I had a problem. As I sat there watching my friends try to pysche themselves up for that sick 2 foot dyno, I wasn't sure what to call them...

What is most appropriate: Bro, Bra, Broham, or Dude? Or should I just slam back a Redbull?


subtle


Jan 15, 2007, 4:34 AM
Post #875 of 977 (9550 views)
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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Re: [fancyclaps] the dating game [In reply to]
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fancyclaps wrote:
D3ar n00b,

As me and my homies were working the dyno on my sick V1 slab project, I realized I had a problem. As I sat there watching my friends try to pysche themselves up for that sick 2 foot dyno, I wasn't sure what to call them...

What is most appropriate: Bro, Bra, Broham, or Dude? Or should I just slam back a Redbull?

Goodness knows, many a hardcore proj send has been savagely derailed by some wanna-be posse member flubbing a crucial mid-crux encouragement yell. I mean, if you've got a burning desire to blurt out, "C'mon, Blue Hat Guy! Try harder! You can do it!"...well...you may as well grab them by the leg and pull them to the ground. It's pretty much the same thing. Ah, but what to do...

The appropriate thing to yell is highly dependant on your position in the social hierarchy of the climbing area. If you are new on the scene, I'd suggest the polite yet informal 'Man', 'Dude', or 'Bro'. The truly core boulderer is generally not afraid to also call a woman 'Man', 'Dude' or 'Bro'...but is generally afraid to look her in the eye or talk directly to her. As you are gradually accepted into the local scene...typically through the exchange of post-send fist bumps with your newfound dope homies...the time will come to drop the formality and take your place within the tribe. When will this be, you ask?

When you get your nickname.

Much like card players, frat boys, professional athletes and mafiosi, all boulderers have nicknames. They are generally massively unflattering and are designed to make the recipient laugh uncontrollably and fall off the problem they have spent six weeks working. Once you get yours, you can feel free to start blowing up people's redpoint burns with reckless abandon...just don't waste your time calling me 'Fatty McWeaksauce' as I desperately thrutch for the finish on the horrorshow Beginners & Birthday Parties Only V1-...

...'cause I was going to fall there anyway.

Allez. Really...I fall off everything. Homard.

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