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subtle
Apr 10, 2005, 7:53 PM
Post #326 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: Dear N00b, How are babies made? Do you need to send some mad, crazy proj with skillz? Haven't you been reading this thread? Are you seriously asking a BOULDERER? I wanted to have it explained with a virgins point of view. :lol:
...ummmm...
Well, I obviously can't help you out there...errr, as far as you know...but I can take time out from my non-stop schedule of circus-like sexual antics with dozens of ninteen year old nymphomaniac underwear models to give you an answer. My extensive Wierd Science-style computer simulations...done as a public service, of course...have led me to understand the following: Pimp Steezos may get you a chalk sponsor, but they will not get you Mad Booty, yo.
Apparently, making a baby takes three people...and a small imported car of some sort. Generally, this will be a Dope Pimp (DP), a Rad Hottie (RH), and a Pathetic Gumby (PG)...and a 1996 Subaru Impreza. The DP will be deeply in lust with the RH, he will want her nearly as much as the V9 proj he is currently working next to the V0+ that the RH is trying to talk the PG off the ground on. In-between tendon-snapping burns on the razor blade crimpers of the Uber-Proj, the DP tries to ignore the PG's tenacious ass-spotting of the RH and offers encouragement like "Allez, yo! Drive by the manky pinch and thrutch to the sloper gaston, it's bomber, word!". The RH will completely ignore the DP's sage beta and take an awkward fall into the tentacle-like clutches of the PG, who will manage to spot her sports-bra while allowing her head to bounce off the ground a few times. The PG will recover from this slight faux pas by mumbling "Ummm...You smell like flowers", at which point the combination of his 'deep sensitivity' and her impending concussion will sweep the RH off her feet. The PG and the RH will wander off to the back seat of Subaru Impreza and...well...I guess...order...a baby out of some sort of...ummm...catalog? The shipping and handling must suck, yo...it takes like nine months to arrive.
Allez. They call me 'Hef'. Homard.
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dirtineye
Apr 11, 2005, 4:56 PM
Post #327 of 977
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Dear N00b,
I could not help but notice that you made a serious post recently, in a different thread even, so I just wanted to ask if you are feeling OK:
Are you feeling OK?
By the way, who calls you"Hef", and what does that stand for? Is this some new bouldering lingo?
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akclimber
Apr 11, 2005, 5:39 PM
Post #328 of 977
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In reply to: Dear N00b, I could not help but notice that you made a serious post recently, in a different thread even, so I just wanted to ask if you are feeling OK: Are you feeling OK? By the way, who calls you"Hef", and what does that stand for? Is this some new bouldering lingo?
I saw that too, and was like, JWA!?!? Where's the sarcasm?
Must be sick.
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subtle
Apr 11, 2005, 11:20 PM
Post #329 of 977
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In reply to: Can you give us a short bio on yourself?
Name: Subtle
DOB: My Fake ID says I'm 78, so I buy beer with a Senior Citizen discount. Rad, yo!
Height: 5'11"
Weight: Pi x R squared, where R = errr, Dave Graham
Occupation: Professional couch dweller.
Hair Color: Under a beanie, who knows?
Eye Color: Green.
Dominant Hand: That's kind of personal, isn't it? Oh...nevermind...thought you meant something else. Right handed.
Marital Status: Massively available...line starts to the left. Now serving...number zero!
Favorite Book: Confessions of a Serial Climber - Mark Twight
Favorite Movie: The latest Japanese Anime Climbing Porn - Honey Sloper Bomber Bucket IV
Favorite Food: Chocolate Chip MetRX bars & Diet Coke.
Recent Road Trips: Bishop, Red Rocks, slag heap behind landfill.
Lifetime Project: Iron Man Traverse V4...500+ repetitions so far...the third move is really feeling solid.
Sponsors: Mom gave me $5 and a MetRX bar...so...Mom.
Tick List: Some chossy V0+, the really chossy V0- next to it.
Catch Phrase: Allez. Homard.
Pop Quiz: _____. ______.
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bmxer
Apr 11, 2005, 11:32 PM
Post #330 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: Can you give us a short bio on yourself? Subtle DOB: My Fake ID says I'm 78, so I buy beer with a Senior Citizen discount. Rad, yo! Height: 5'11" Weight: Pi x R squared, where R = errr, Dave Graham Occupation: Professional couch dweller. Hair Color: Under a beanie, who knows? Eye Color: Green. Dominant Hand: That's kind of personal, isn't it? Oh...nevermind...thought you meant something else. Right handed. Marital Status: Massively available...line starts to the left. Now serving...number zero! Favorite Book: Confessions of a Serial Climber - Mark Twight Favorite Movie: The latest Japanese Anime Climbing Porn - Honey Sloper Bomber Bucket IV Favorite Food: Chocolate Chip MetRX bars & Diet Coke. Recent Road Trips: Bishop, Red Rocks, slag heap behind landfill. Lifetime Project: Iron Man Traverse V4...500+ repetitions so far...the third move is really feeling solid. Sponsors: Mom gave me $5 and a MetRX bar...so...Mom. Tick List: Some chossy V0+, the really chossy V0- next to it. Catch Phrase: Allez. Homard. Pop Quiz: _____. ______.
Impressive resume. How would you like to work for us? We provide rock climbing equipment and need you to be our new spokesman.
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subtle
Apr 12, 2005, 3:13 PM
Post #331 of 977
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In reply to: Impressive resume. How would you like to work for us? We provide rock climbing equipment and need you to be our new spokesman.
Ummm, are you insane, man?
Although working for a living would certainly be a novel idea, I'm going to have to point out a few of the reasons why hiring any climber...and me in particular...is a fairly poor idea...and by poor, I mean massively horribly bad.
Firstly, hiring a climber to work in an equipment store is approximately like hiring a starving 560lb person to watch your giant pile of chocolate chip cookies for a second. It may start with the best of intentions, but it always ends with a pile of crumbs and a severe milk jones. While most climbers are about the last people on earth to steal something from you, they do generally tend to be the first people to borrow everything in sight, then go on a two year roadtrip to Patagonia with it.
Motivation is also somewhat of an issue. I don't mean to suggest that climbers are lazy in general, we just tend to conserve energy at...all levels. That could be interpreted as sleeping 'till the crack of noon, then walking to the coffee shop for 1/2 hour, then rolling into work at 12:30...after that, I'm there for you, brah. Oh, I gotta take off at 1:30, though, there's a rad sesh going down at les blocs, yo. You understand...
...and can I borrow this new crashpad we just got in? Sweet!
Allez. Dental Plan? Homard.
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subtle
Apr 13, 2005, 3:26 PM
Post #332 of 977
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In reply to: I have no friends, and I don't know where to buy a belay monkey. I'm lonely and without a climbing buddy. Please help.
It's probably better that you didn't buy a belay monkey, to be honest. Although the prehensile tail is nice for anchoring in for the inevitable weight differential...the fact that they fling poo on you when you flail on their project can be a bit of a bummer. Now, that's pressure to perform...
...but I digress.
The obvious solution is for you to create an imaginary climbing partner. The advantages are so overwhelming, I can barely understand why anyone climbs with a real person anymore. You always get to work the problems you want to, it's always your turn to go, and they never stand you up in the parking lot. For added realism, bring along an extra pair of shoes and a half eaten Cliff Bar and leave them on your crashpad. When asked who you're climbing with, simply make up a cool name like...Dirk Thrutchwell or Lizzie Crimperino...and say they're off checking out a rad V12 around the corner. Under no circumstances, though, should you draw a mental blank and say "Chris Sharma". This will create massive intellectual confusion in your intended audience, as they will not be sure exactly why a V15 climber is 'working' your V1- chosspile proj...and besides...they were supposed to be climbing with Imaginary Sharma today. That two-timing flute playing bastard!
There is a dark side to Imaginary Partners, though...just like The Dark Side of The Force, but with...fewer lightsaber battles, regrettably. Imaginary Partners tend to be very poor spotters...even worse than poo flinging monkeys. Worse than that is the first big fight you have with your Imagninary Partner...it's always in front of a huge crowd, and someone always ends up crying and tearfully begging for another chance. But that's not the worst of it...
...wait 'till your Imaginary Partner sleeps with your Imaginary Best Friend. Man, that's some aggro drama, brah. Good luck with that.
Allez. Chris should be here any second. Homard.
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discolegsyndrome
Apr 13, 2005, 3:41 PM
Post #333 of 977
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Dear all knowing, all wise, all ham sandwich eating n00b,
Again, I come to request your wisest of wise advice.
After reading this post regarding a How To Rock Climb article, more specifically after reading the description on aid climbing:
In reply to: Aid climbing: When the face of the mountain doesn't offer any more grips and holds, some experienced climbers pull out suction cups and similar tools to climb up. This is a very dangerous method.
I feel I'm now ready to make my assault on The Nose, except for the fact that I'm still a bit puzzled on the bestest technique on how to employ the suction cups. Also, what other similar tools would I be needing? I have 2 toilet plungers (a #2 and a #3.5) on my rack already.
Could you please enlighten me?
Sincerely,
Cliffhanger wannabe
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wright
Apr 13, 2005, 4:13 PM
Post #334 of 977
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Posts: 54
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Dear Noob,
Over the past few months I've managed to injure and re-injure something in my back like 8 times or something. It used to only happen while climbing. Now it happens while doing normal stuff, like getting out of bed, walking around the office, or staring off into space. Should I see a doctor or just start taking drugs?
Thanks for the advice.
Wright
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mfornont85
Apr 14, 2005, 3:18 AM
Post #335 of 977
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Registered: Nov 10, 2004
Posts: 15
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Is the pop quiz answer "Allez. Homard." ?
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jomal
Apr 14, 2005, 6:28 AM
Post #337 of 977
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Registered: Oct 10, 2004
Posts: 45
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Yo n00b,
So I have managed to get a girlfriend, which I attribute to the fact that I'm a horrible boulderer and never wear a beanie, but I'm only vaguely certain that she is a girl...
So if I get her to start climbing, will she get Mad Hot? You know, like "climbr chix r sooo h0t" hot. I can only assume she will...
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subtle
Apr 14, 2005, 1:32 PM
Post #338 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: Over the past few months I've managed to injure and re-injure something in my back like 8 times or something. It used to only happen while climbing. Now it happens while doing normal stuff, like getting out of bed, walking around the office, or staring off into space. Should I see a doctor or just start taking drugs?
...start taking drugs? Start?!? What the hell kind of lowlife dirtbag scumball climber are you? Apparently not much of one...you're probably a...lawyer, aren't you! You're all out at the crag with your pinstriped suit and briefcase full of chalk, being all "If it pleases the ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I shall hike this 5.7+ forthwith". Errrr, I'd better shut up or you'll slap a restraining order on me...anyhow...
A doctor is just going to tell you to take a bunch of time off, which is obviously just crazy talk. A sensible regimine of stretching and flexibility training could prove useful...and would also make you the first climber ever to do something sensible. I think you'd get some sort of a merit badge for that.
You could sew it to your suit.
Allez. Saville Row. Homard.
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subtle
Apr 14, 2005, 10:27 PM
Post #339 of 977
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In reply to: So I have managed to get a girlfriend, which I attribute to the fact that I'm a horrible boulderer and never wear a beanie, but I'm only vaguely certain that she is a girl... So if I get her to start climbing, will she get Mad Hot? You know, like "climbr chix r sooo h0t" hot. I can only assume she will...
Amazingly enough, you are absolutely correct. The second your girlfriend slips on her manky green rental shoes and dons her first beanie from the gym gift shop, she will instantly turn into a solid gold, 100% pure, super-duper angel of love and beauty.
And, at that precise moment, you are 100% super-duper screwed. And not in the good way, either...
If you've ever seen one of those Discovery Channel specials about wild animals...Dingo Rampage...Marmosets of Wrath...Chipmunk vs. Orangutan III...whatever...you know how large herds of creatures act when new stimuli are introduced...they freak right the hell out. Your jug-hauling interloper is the stimulus, brah, and you're in the pirahna tank with...the marmosets...nevermind, I'll explain.
At first sight of The Prey the lead dingo...errr, gym employee...will let out some sort of howl or other subtle signal to alert the rest of pack. While he has her attention quasi-monopolized during the poorly administered belay test, the other 53 boulderers doing laps on the V8 in the corner will spring into action...feverishly tearing off their shirts in a bizarre mating dance of 123lb teenage pasty whiteness and matching Prana ninja-pants. As soon as you and...errr, Mrs. Jomal...venture close to this frothing malestrom of pent-up testosterone, you will be summarily trampled under 53 pair of V10s as the entire group vies to be the lucky one to booty-spot her has she craters off the V0- near the soda machine. For the entire time you're in the gym, any problem you so much as look at will be immediately gang-campused by the pre-algebra set in an attempt to prove superiority to your non-beanie wearing gumbness...because as everybody who's a 16 year old boulderer knows, dope crimp strength = mad phat sexual steezos.
You have only one means of escape...run for the Top Ropes. The Top Rope is the natural enemy of the adolescent boulderer. In time, you will learn to carry a harness with you as you walk into the gym, brandishing it like a crucifix before Dracula. Back! Spawn of Sharma! Back to your crimpy underworld!
Allez. Watch out for the Wolfman. Homard.
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ron_burgandy
Apr 14, 2005, 10:47 PM
Post #340 of 977
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Well said.... I give it a 10!
That was one of the funnier things that has ever graced my eardrums... or whatever...
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timmay
Apr 15, 2005, 1:53 PM
Post #341 of 977
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I was in the gym yesterday and I overheard some boulderers talking about a move called a dinosaur. What is this dinosaur and where can I get my own dinosaur?
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sarcat
Apr 15, 2005, 2:40 PM
Post #342 of 977
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Registered: Jan 22, 2004
Posts: 1560
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Dear n00b:
Tragedy has struck and I now find myself 38 years old, with 4 kids, a mortgage, a 8-5 job and 15 lbs over the government recomended weight for my 6' 1" frame. Is there any chance for me to achive climbing satisfaction in the future?
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subtle
Apr 18, 2005, 5:39 PM
Post #343 of 977
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Although I am not a doctor...or even a veterinarian...I have watched several re-runs of General Hospital and you are clearly suffering from advanced Altitude Sickness Syndrome (advanced ASS). You're flying too close to the sun, brah, where angels fear to Trad. The climbing community can't afford to lose you, your gritty purist ethics are an inspiration to all. Symptoms of this insidious silent killer include wearing ridicuous belay gloves while climbing, standing in an aider six inches away from a foot chip the size of a volkswagen, and placing redundant pro on screamers four feet off the ground. Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't think to put a #6 step-stool on your rack so you could get a solid rest stance and shake out a little on that uber-sketchy testpiece. Fortunately, your belayer seems to have you well protected.
There is only one way to beat Advanced ASS, and that's to stick closer to mother earth. I'd suggest you check into bouldering. Classic ground-hugging lines like Evilution and The Thimble will allow you to de-pressurize the ol' noggin and give you many more years of mellow crusing on smooth moves.
Get your send on, broham.
Allez. Do we look like ants from up there? Homard.
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taualum23
Apr 18, 2005, 5:47 PM
Post #344 of 977
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Nice use of that picture, glad to see it {fnord} used again.
Huh. I LOVE that this thread made it to page 23.
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subtle
Apr 19, 2005, 7:22 PM
Post #345 of 977
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In reply to: Dear n00b: Tragedy has struck and I now find myself 38 years old, with 4 kids, a mortgage, a 8-5 job and 15 lbs over the government recomended weight for my 6' 1" frame. Is there any chance for me to achive climbing satisfaction in the future?
Hmmm, let's see...
Most likely, you have achieved a state of zen-like enlightenment about your place in the universe. You celebrate every day as the fulfillment of the magical intersection of karma and happenstance that has brought you to this warm and wonderful place at the center of your consciousness. Then you go to the crag and see a 17 year old crank an insane V13 power move and promptly sell your soul to the devil for rad crimp strength and a skosh more core tension. Before you sign on the line, bro, let me offer a suggestion...
There is another way, you see. No, don't sell your soul to me...I'm making poor use of the one I already have...and besides, my crimp strength is barely enough to open a jar of pickles.
I think it's time for you to join the Senior Tour of climbing...the Crusty Trad Guy Army. All you need is a hernia-inducing rack of vintage gear and about 2389 war stories about run-out 5.5+ pitches that "Woulda scared the pee outa one a them pebble pinchin' freakos". Bonus points if you are cracking open a beer with a nut tool as you say that. Double bonus points if you sling the beer and use it as pro...and a refreshing beverage for your second.
While going over to the hex and nut set might not be your ultimate dream, look at the positives. 45lbs too heavy to pull a V7 crux?...heck...you're probably positively anorexic by traddie standards. People will be deluging you with ham sandwiches and high-carb beer in an attempt to get you back into shape...after all, you'll need your strength for Mellow Cruising After Breakfast Boozing 5.4+.
That's no cakewalk. Mmmmmm, cake.
Allez. I sold my soul and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Homard.
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subtle
Apr 21, 2005, 2:49 PM
Post #346 of 977
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In reply to: I was in the gym yesterday and I overheard some boulderers talking about a move called a dinosaur. What is this dinosaur and where can I get my own dinosaur?
Ahhh, it's good to see today's youth taking an interest in history.
A dinosaur was one of the first moves ever invented in climbing, way back in the Jurassic or...Yosemite...periods of history. The fossil record is a little unclear, but we can look back to Sloper Slapper B.S.(Before Sharma) - Paleozoic Pimps for some clues. This groundbreaking film...set to a driving score of log banging on rock techno...shows possibly the first ever climbing comp, as The Hunters faced off against The Gatherers for some dope prizes including...a crashpad made out of mud and...some...fire. Anyway, the Hunters were getting frustrated by the Gatherer's dope static strength and jealous of their sponsor-provided sticky-fur foot wrappings. In an fit of agro pre-dating Red Bull by some 6000 years, the strongest of the Hunters...Ugak Kiehl...lept from the start holds all the way to the finish jug with a resounding BZZZZAAAAAAAATTTT!!! Granted, it was like...V1-...but still, it was rad, yo! The gatherers were defeated, and a move was born.
You probably know the rest. The story of the Magical Move was etched onto numerous petroglyphs and cave paintings. When the bouldering area was overrun by the Roman Empire some time later, the emperor Pimpimus Maximus adopted the custom and made Dyno Comps (they dropped the 'saur' early on) a regular part of the circuses at the Coliseum. Granted, you didn't want to finish second...
Allez. Is that a Lion? Homard.
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subtle
Apr 21, 2005, 2:53 PM
Post #347 of 977
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In reply to: I was in the gym yesterday and I overheard some boulderers talking about a move called a dinosaur. What is this dinosaur and where can I get my own dinosaur?
Ahhh, it's good to see today's youth taking an interest in history.
A dinosaur was one of the first moves ever invented in climbing, way back in the Jurassic or...Yosemite...periods of history. The fossil record is a little unclear, but we can look back to Sloper Slapper B.S.(Before Sharma) - Paleozoic Pimps for some clues. This groundbreaking film...set to a driving score of log banging on rock techno...shows possibly the first ever climbing comp, as The Hunters faced off against The Gatherers for some dope prizes including...a crashpad made out of mud and...some...fire. Anyway, the Hunters were getting frustrated by the Gatherer's dope static strength and jealous of their sponsor-provided sticky-fur foot wrappings. In an fit of agro pre-dating Red Bull by some 6000 years, the strongest of the Hunters...Ugak Kiehl...lept from the start holds all the way to the finish jug with a resounding BZZZZAAAAAAAATTTT!!! Granted, it was like...V1-...but still, it was rad, yo! The gatherers were defeated, and a move was born.
You probably know the rest. The story of the Magical Move was etched onto numerous petroglyphs and cave paintings. When the bouldering area was overrun by the Roman Empire some time later, the emperor Pimpimus Maximus adopted the custom and made Dyno Comps (they dropped the 'saur' early on) a regular part of the circuses at the Coliseum. Granted, you didn't want to finish second...
Allez. Is that a Lion? Homard.
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alcyone
Apr 21, 2005, 5:35 PM
Post #348 of 977
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Registered: Sep 21, 2004
Posts: 24
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I live in Arizona and, while there are plenty of real rocks lying around, I'm not fond of the heat and snakes and what not. I also want to make a statement about how rebellious and cool I am and I think that climbing buildings is pretty rebellious. However, I'm not sure if buildering is an acceptable form of climbing. Your thoughts? I would also like to know what gear I will need and what type of attire is considered cool. Please help me!
PS. I'm also thinking about trad buildering, that would be pimp.
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hulgan
Apr 21, 2005, 5:55 PM
Post #349 of 977
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Registered: Feb 16, 2004
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The other day I overheard some trad-tech guys boasting about their "huge dividend checks". Apparently there's this company that sent them money just for using gear from their store? The same day I found these guys were quaking their way up a 5.6-, impregnating the stone with titanium super-cams every 18" so how'd they get such a kick-ass sponsor?
I'm really confused! I've got 15" forearms, cool scars and mad crimp strength yet I still must pay full price for my Red Bull. What gives? How can I get hooked up with a lucrative dividend check sponsor?
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viciado
Apr 21, 2005, 7:12 PM
Post #350 of 977
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In reply to: I... want to make a statement about how rebellious and cool I am.
In reply to: However, I'm not sure if buildering is an acceptable form of climbing
Oxymoron?
In reply to: PS. I'm also thinking about trad buildering, that would be pimp.
Now, theres an idea! How many Kn does it take to break a brick?
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