|
imaboulderchic
Dec 12, 2006, 10:13 PM
Post #1 of 41
(4764 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Nov 14, 2006
Posts: 18
|
I am in a constant battle with my husband about climbing. We have a small child together and it seems that I am always stuck at home watching him and if I do go to the crag with our son, I end up going where ever my husband wants to go and still I end up not climbing. I live in an area where there aren't many climbers locally. And most climbers that come to my crag already have partners. My husband never wants to go climb where I want to go, it is always about his training and I have not got to work on my projects when we go out. When I complain he says,"well, I will watch him while you climb." However, when I have taken him up on his offer he doesn't watch him very close, and our son has already had stitches in his head once from falling and hitting a rock with his forehead. Please, does anyone with a similar situation have any advice or ideas? 
|
|
|
|
|
caughtinside
Dec 12, 2006, 10:19 PM
Post #2 of 41
(4763 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jan 8, 2003
Posts: 30603
|
have I seen you at jailhouse?
|
|
|
|
|
jt512
Dec 12, 2006, 10:29 PM
Post #3 of 41
(4758 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 12, 2001
Posts: 21904
|
caughtinside wrote: have I seen you at jailhouse?
I think what caughtinside means is that he'll be happy to "take care of you" while your husband climbs.
Jay
|
|
|
|
|
philbox
Moderator
Dec 12, 2006, 11:24 PM
Post #4 of 41
(4736 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 27, 2002
Posts: 13105
|
jt512 wrote: caughtinside wrote: have I seen you at jailhouse? I think what caughtinside means is that he'll be happy to "take care of you" while your husband climbs. Jay
Cringe. Bit harsh Jay innit.
|
|
|
|
|
jt512
Dec 13, 2006, 12:43 AM
Post #6 of 41
(4723 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 12, 2001
Posts: 21904
|
philbox wrote: jt512 wrote: caughtinside wrote: have I seen you at jailhouse? I think what caughtinside means is that he'll be happy to "take care of you" while your husband climbs. Jay Cringe. Bit harsh Jay innit.
Harsh?
|
|
|
|
|
philbox
Moderator
Dec 13, 2006, 12:53 AM
Post #7 of 41
(4718 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 27, 2002
Posts: 13105
|
jt512 wrote: philbox wrote: jt512 wrote: caughtinside wrote: have I seen you at jailhouse? I think what caughtinside means is that he'll be happy to "take care of you" while your husband climbs. Jay Cringe. Bit harsh Jay innit. Harsh?
Only in so far as intimating that a user will ""take care of you" while your husband climbs" in a thread in the ladies room forum seems a little over the top for me. Perhaps the ladies might have more input on this than me a mere male in a ladies domain. Seems to me that the intimation could be a little inapropriate in this forum. Saying the same thing in community would be fine but in here, well, maybe a bit harsh. It is the ladies room after all and they could all gang up on you mate. 
|
|
|
|
|
caughtinside
Dec 13, 2006, 12:56 AM
Post #8 of 41
(4714 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jan 8, 2003
Posts: 30603
|
I would really, really hate it if all the ladies ganged up on me.
oh man would I hate it.
|
|
|
|
|
jt512
Dec 13, 2006, 12:56 AM
Post #9 of 41
(4713 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 12, 2001
Posts: 21904
|
philbox wrote: jt512 wrote: philbox wrote: jt512 wrote: caughtinside wrote: have I seen you at jailhouse? I think what caughtinside means is that he'll be happy to "take care of you" while your husband climbs. Jay Cringe. Bit harsh Jay innit. Harsh? Only in so far as intimating that a user will ""take care of you" while your husband climbs" in a thread in the ladies room forum seems a little over the top for me. Perhaps the ladies might have more input on this than me a mere male in a ladies domain. Seems to me that the intimation could be a little inapropriate in this forum. Saying the same thing in community would be fine but in here, well, maybe a bit harsh. It is the ladies room after all and they could all gang up on you mate.
I guess it depends on their sense of humor. My girlfriend was looking over my shoulder when I typed that post, and she laughed.
Jay
|
|
|
|
|
caughtinside
Dec 13, 2006, 12:57 AM
Post #10 of 41
(4712 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jan 8, 2003
Posts: 30603
|
your girlfriend? have I seen her at Jailhouse?
|
|
|
|
|
philbox
Moderator
Dec 13, 2006, 1:03 AM
Post #11 of 41
(4706 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 27, 2002
Posts: 13105
|
jt512 wrote: philbox wrote: jt512 wrote: philbox wrote: jt512 wrote: caughtinside wrote: have I seen you at jailhouse? I think what caughtinside means is that he'll be happy to "take care of you" while your husband climbs. Jay Cringe. Bit harsh Jay innit. Harsh? Only in so far as intimating that a user will ""take care of you" while your husband climbs" in a thread in the ladies room forum seems a little over the top for me. Perhaps the ladies might have more input on this than me a mere male in a ladies domain. Seems to me that the intimation could be a little inapropriate in this forum. Saying the same thing in community would be fine but in here, well, maybe a bit harsh. It is the ladies room after all and they could all gang up on you mate. I guess it depends on their sense of humor. My girlfriend was looking over my shoulder when I typed that post, and she laughed. Jay
I guess I am guilty of being oversensitive on behalf of others sensitivities. Carry on then, nothing to see here.
|
|
|
|
|
jt512
Dec 13, 2006, 1:26 AM
Post #12 of 41
(4691 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 12, 2001
Posts: 21904
|
caughtinside wrote: your girlfriend? have I seen her at Jailhouse?
Good one.
Jay
|
|
|
|
|
imaboulderchic
Dec 13, 2006, 2:49 AM
Post #13 of 41
(4671 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Nov 14, 2006
Posts: 18
|
So true. I have been looking for a partner. That is not so easy. As far as a babysitter. That, too, is not so easy. I don't live in a city. But one thing is for sure. I do need a partner that is not my husband.
|
|
|
|
|
clausti
Dec 13, 2006, 3:11 AM
Post #14 of 41
(4665 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 5, 2004
Posts: 5690
|
philbox wrote: jt512 wrote: philbox wrote: jt512 wrote: caughtinside wrote: have I seen you at jailhouse? I think what caughtinside means is that he'll be happy to "take care of you" while your husband climbs. Jay Cringe. Bit harsh Jay innit. Harsh? Only in so far as intimating that a user will ""take care of you" while your husband climbs" in a thread in the ladies room forum seems a little over the top for me. Perhaps the ladies might have more input on this than me a mere male in a ladies domain. Seems to me that the intimation could be a little inapropriate in this forum. Saying the same thing in community would be fine but in here, well, maybe a bit harsh. It is the ladies room after all and they could all gang up on you mate.
may i point out, phil, that
1. the ladies room IS in community now, thanks BUNCHES!
2. you dont have a history of really listening to the ladies in the ladies room so much as coming in and calling us drama queens when we actually get upset over something.
|
|
|
|
|
lhwang
Dec 13, 2006, 4:53 AM
Post #16 of 41
(4640 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Aug 4, 2005
Posts: 582
|
Wow, that sounds like an awful situation. I know there's always two sides to a story, but from the way you're describing it, it sounds like your husband is being extremely selfish. Why are you tolerating it? What have you done or said to him to try and change the situation?
Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems like a serious issue. If he can't be supportive of your climbing, is he going to be supportive of other things that are important to you?
|
|
|
|
|
philbox
Moderator
Dec 13, 2006, 5:02 AM
Post #17 of 41
(4634 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 27, 2002
Posts: 13105
|
clausti wrote: philbox wrote: jt512 wrote: philbox wrote: jt512 wrote: caughtinside wrote: have I seen you at jailhouse? I think what caughtinside means is that he'll be happy to "take care of you" while your husband climbs. Jay Cringe. Bit harsh Jay innit. Harsh? Only in so far as intimating that a user will ""take care of you" while your husband climbs" in a thread in the ladies room forum seems a little over the top for me. Perhaps the ladies might have more input on this than me a mere male in a ladies domain. Seems to me that the intimation could be a little inapropriate in this forum. Saying the same thing in community would be fine but in here, well, maybe a bit harsh. It is the ladies room after all and they could all gang up on you mate. may i point out, phil, that 1. the ladies room IS in community now, thanks BUNCHES! 2. you dont have a history of really listening to the ladies in the ladies room so much as coming in and calling us drama queens when we actually get upset over something.
Well thanks for the vote of confidence. I don't ever recall having entered the ladies room to call anyone names, that is not my style. Please point me to the thread and I will apologise profusely. As for the ladies room being in community, that is not my call so why bring it up. Mind you it is not specifically climbing related anyway. My purpose in entering the ladies room on this occasion was indeed to defend your honour, my mistake, it won't happen again.
|
|
|
|
|
jt512
Dec 13, 2006, 5:13 AM
Post #18 of 41
(4630 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 12, 2001
Posts: 21904
|
lhwang wrote: Wow, that sounds like an awful situation. I know there's always two sides to a story, but from the way you're describing it, it sounds like your husband is being extremely selfish. Why are you tolerating it? What have you done or said to him to try and change the situation?
The situation she describes is really common.
Climbing is unusual among sports in that it is (essentially) an individual sport that requires a partner. Therefore, climbing is inherently selfish. If you take your climbing (and your training for climbing) seriously, you can't allow your relationship to interfere with it very much. If a husband and wife climb at different levels, and the better climber is serious about improving, there will often be a conflict. The better climber cannot afford to give up scarce training or performance days for the sake of his partner. So, something has to give. It's great if the team can climb at an area where there are climbs where both can have productive climbing sessions. Unfortunately, that will not always be possible. In that case, the best option might be for each spouse to find a separate climbing partner, with climbing goals more like his own.
Jay
|
|
|
|
|
htotsu
Dec 13, 2006, 5:44 AM
Post #19 of 41
(4620 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Aug 11, 2005
Posts: 673
|
Jay, first of all, she never said he was a stronger climber, and that the reason for the conflict is that he wants to do more difficult climbs than she does. And even if that were the case, perhaps that's partially due to his going climbing while she watches the child, and his not offering to do the same for her. I think lhwang might be referring to that, not just the actual climbing. There's more going on here than just the fact that he's an insensitive climbing partner.
|
|
|
|
|
clausti
Dec 13, 2006, 5:52 AM
Post #20 of 41
(4611 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 5, 2004
Posts: 5690
|
phil: PM'ed you.
(This post was edited by clausti on Dec 13, 2006, 6:18 AM)
|
|
|
|
|
jt512
Dec 13, 2006, 5:54 AM
Post #21 of 41
(4609 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Apr 12, 2001
Posts: 21904
|
htotsu wrote: Jay, first of all, she never said he was a stronger climber, and that the reason for the conflict is that he wants to do more difficult climbs than she does.
Well, I'll bet you $1000 that the reason he wants to do more difficult climbs is that he is the stronger climber (although that isn't really the inherent issue).
In reply to: And even if that were the case, perhaps that's partially due to his going climbing while she watches the child, and his not offering to do the same for her.
Oh, puhleez! Let's make it $2000.
In reply to: I think lhwang might be referring to that, not just the actual climbing. There's more going on here than just the fact that he's an insensitive climbing partner.
My point, which admittedly will not make "Political Correctness Weekly," is that it isn't inherently an issue of insensitivity. It is inherently an issue of climbing incompatibility. If you want to improve in climbing it just may be that you can't compromise by spending time climbing with a weaker climbing partner. Maybe your climbing goals just don't allow for that. It might just be that a particular husband and wife team just can't climb together.
Jay
|
|
|
|
|
clausti
Dec 13, 2006, 6:01 AM
Post #22 of 41
(4601 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Oct 5, 2004
Posts: 5690
|
jt512 wrote: htotsu wrote: Jay, first of all, she never said he was a stronger climber, and that the reason for the conflict is that he wants to do more difficult climbs than she does. Well, I'll bet you $1000 that the reason he wants to do more difficult climbs is that he is the stronger climber (although that isn't really the inherent issue). In reply to: And even if that were the case, perhaps that's partially due to his going climbing while she watches the child, and his not offering to do the same for her. Oh, puhleez! Let's make it $2000. In reply to: I think lhwang might be referring to that, not just the actual climbing. There's more going on here than just the fact that he's an insensitive climbing partner. My point, which admittedly will not make "Political Correctness Weekly," is that it isn't inherently an issue of insensitivity. It is inherently an issue of climbing incompatibility. If you want to improve in climbing it just may be that you can't compromise by spending time climbing with a weaker climbing partner. Maybe your climbing goals just don't allow for that. It might just be that a particular husband and wife team just can't climb together. Jay
i wouldnt bet against you, jay.
|
|
|
|
|
htotsu
Dec 13, 2006, 6:16 AM
Post #23 of 41
(4593 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Aug 11, 2005
Posts: 673
|
jt512 wrote: Well, I'll bet you $1000 that the reason he wants to do more difficult climbs is that he is the stronger climber (although that isn't really the inherent issue).
jt512 wrote: My point, which admittedly will not make "Political Correctness Weekly," is that it isn't inherently an issue of insensitivity. It is inherently an issue of climbing incompatibility.
So you know them both, and are privy to all that might be involved in this situation? Who are you to say whether it is "inherently an issue of climbing incompatibility"? Seriously, wow. This has nothing to do with political correctness. You are just very, very presumptuous to state so definitively that there is nothing wrong here beyond difference in climbing level, which may or may not even be the case. Maybe he's insensitive in general. It's interesting that this has not crossed your mind.
There are other causes of rude behavior than superior climbing. And even if he is stronger, 1) he could ALSO be generally insensitive, 2) he is her husband and it's pretty uncool to treat your wife like this.
jt512 wrote: It might just be that a particular husband and wife team just can't climb together.
|
|
|
|
|
tigerlilly
Dec 13, 2006, 3:41 PM
Post #24 of 41
(4543 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Nov 2, 2006
Posts: 564
|
lhwang wrote: Wow, that sounds like an awful situation. I know there's always two sides to a story, but from the way you're describing it, it sounds like your husband is being extremely selfish. Why are you tolerating it? What have you done or said to him to try and change the situation? Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but it seems like a serious issue. If he can't be supportive of your climbing, is he going to be supportive of other things that are important to you?
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
That is exactly how I see the situation, based on what the OP has written. Time for two things:
1. New climbing partner and new babysitter. You deserve to get your climbing needs met, too.
2. Marriage counseling. Seriously. When issues like this go unaddressed for long periods of time, they create bitterness and resentment that can spread to other aspects of the marriage and eventually become ingrained to where they cannot be resolved. Ask me how I know. For your child's sake, as well as your own, do something soon.
Kathy
|
|
|
|
|
lena_chita
Moderator
Dec 13, 2006, 4:11 PM
Post #25 of 41
(4534 views)
Shortcut
Registered: Jun 27, 2006
Posts: 6087
|
I am sorry you are having this unpleasant situation-- but I'm nto surprized at all. I've seen it time and time again-- and not specifically for climbing. As much as some people don't agree with me, there is a difference in how women and men take their parental responsibilities, and it IS easier for the guy to get away with it.
BUT-- the fact that it is a common story the world over, doesn't mean that you have to be stuck with it.
First of all, you DEFINITELY need a baby-sitter. You NEED to be able to go climbing with your husband WITHOUT your child. You will get more climbing done, reconnect with your partner, and genarally be a better parent if you take a break away from your child once in a while. You may be having all these problems, but if you had climbed with your husband before without it being a constant battle, you will do it again, if the child is removed from the equation for one afternoon a week.
Secondly, you and your husband need to figure out a schedule for EACH of you to go climbing alone/with someone else. E.i. one day a week you take the evening off and go climbing/bouldering while the husband stays home with the child, or takes the child to Daddy and me class, or to the playground, whatever-- just NOT to the crag or gym where you are climbing that night. ANd fair is fair-- your husband gets the one night off to go alone.
Thirdly, take heart. Your child is not going to be a toddler forever. They grow quickly, take my word for it-- I have two. One is 8yo, the other one will turn 4yo in a month. It WILL get easier, and once hte toddlerhood is over, you WILL be able to go climbing as a family, and not worry too much about your child's safety while you climb.
Meanwhile, if you go climbing together -- you, your husband and child, (AND IMO you should throw in sessions like this once in a while, too) you need to go with some friends -- so you could have someone spot/belay you while your husband watches your child, and vice versa. And you HAVE to talk to your husband seriously about it-- you have to both agree on exactly what is the responsibility of the person "watching" the child-- e.i. it doesn't mean letting him wander off while the parent cheers on his climbing buddy. AND you have to agree strongly that fair is fair and you and he both get an equal share of climbing done when you go with the child.
If I may make a guess, if you are having this issue with climbing, you are also more likely to do the bigger share of childcare- related duties, be it feeding the child, playing with him, bathing, bedtime, housework, or what not. And THAT has got to change, too. You have no hope of having a fair split in your chimbing, if you don't have fair split of other responsibilities. If you are always the one doing laundry and making dinner, I am sure DH likes it that way, and why shouldn't he, LOL. But fair has to be fair with otehr things, too. I am not saying that you have to split EVERYTHING 50:50, but there has to be some sort of fairness, e.i. if you cook 90% of the time your husband should be the one doing dishes and cleaning the kitchen 90% of the time, or something like that...
This is how things work for my husband and me:
Right now (wintertime, gym only):
We have a baby-sitter on Monday night and go climbing together for ~ 4 hours.
Wednesday is my climbing night -- mind you, it doesn't come easy. On Wednesday I have to take off work early, get home in time for my older child's school bus (he stays in after-care on other days), feed him, make dinner for everyone, supervise homework, take him to piano lesson (at 5:30), then drop him off at ju-jitsu ( 6:30) and only THEN make it to the climbing gym by 6:45. MY husband meanwhile picks up our younger child from pre-school at 5, goets home, feeds her, and then goes to pick up the older one from ju-jitsu at 8 pm, followed by supervising the bathtime and bedtime for both.
Thursday is my husband's climbing night. I do everything at home.
Saturday is our joint day-- with the kids. To make it work, I go to the gym about 2 hours earlier than the rest of my family. and climb alone/with other people. Two hours later DH shows up with kids. Kids get to climb-- my younger one, especially, is into it, but the older one gets some climbing, too. And we take turns-- kids climb, than DH and I climb, then kids climb... We don't get a LOT of climbing done with the kids there, but it is better than none, and kids have fun, too... After 2 hours of joint climbing, I take the kids and leave, while my husband stays on for couple hours.
In summer we take the kids on trips with us. We started climbing at a local crag when my younger one was 18 months old, and that was ONLY possible b/c we had other people at the crag, too, so one of us was always on the ground watching the kids while the other one climbed -- but we always made it a fair "one for one" taking turns thing.
The first time we took my daughter on a multiday trip she was 2.5 yo. And yes, again, we always made sure one of us was on the ground with her.
The past summer for the first time we had 2 weekend trips without the kids-- one time they were with grandparents, one time with a baby-sitter (expensive!!!). And also, for the first time this summer I felt O.K. (at a local crag, where the surroundings are pretty safe and familiar to my kids by now) climbing without one person constantly following the younger child around. She was always within sight, of course, But at 3.5 yo the level of supervision is not quite as high as you need with a 1yo....
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
1
