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jumpingrock
Dec 7, 2004, 6:29 AM
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The idea to this is that it is a fictional story about the members of community lead by their fearless leader Captain Philbox. Similiar to the Ultimate climbing story I will start with a paragraph or two or three and then leave it off midsentence or something. As this is community there are no rules except for the ever present TOS and of course be nice if you use another member of community in your bit of the story. If you put something that is not actually part of the story please use italics just to help with flow. (Not a rule just a suggestion ;))
Captain Philbox stood near the prow of his ship. The wind and spray felt cool against his unshaven face. He rubbed the days worth of stuble and sighed. It had been a long time since his pirate ship "Community" had seen an English trade ship. Philbox knew that the men were grumbling. His sources on the inside had informed him of this. After 20 years it had come to this. Where had all the easy targets gone? When had the commerce captains become so damned clever. Philbox sighed again as he was startled from his revery by his first mate JR.
"Captain Philbox!" JR called as he came up behind the captain. Philbox turned to regard his first mate. JR had come aboard scare three years ago but had quickly shown his aptitude for leadership and bloodsport and had quickly risen to first mate. He towered over Philbox a good foot or so and generally inspired fear in both his comrades and his enemies.
"Yes JR." Came the slow tired response.
"The men are complaining again. The don't think that you have what it takes anymore. I fear if things continue this way there may be a mutiny." The concern in JR's eyes was palpable. He looked at Philbox as a father and a close friend.
"Who is the ringleader?" Philbox questioned, already knowing the answer. It had to be j_ung. J_ung had been aboard the Community for years and years. It was only because of the constant amusement that his dancers provided the crew that Philbox allowed him to stay aboard. Philbox had never trusted J_ung.
"You already know Captain. Should I have him dealt with?" Came the tearse reply.
"No, that would..." Philbox was cut off by a call from above.
"Ship ahoy! Off the starboard bow!" Philbox and JR steped up to the transome simultaniously pulling out their telescopes....
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rockrat511
Dec 7, 2004, 6:49 AM
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but to no avail as the violent swells of the sea prevented them from sighting anything on the horizon. JR, being the good first mate, spryly slung himself into the rigging and headed toward the sails. Poised precariously on a guideline high above the pitching deck he cast his gaze to starboard.
"Aye Captain Philbox, she's the HMS Newbie, three points off the starboard bow!!", he cried out.
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moroneyp
Dec 7, 2004, 2:50 PM
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With that, JR clambered back down the rigging, landing steadily on the swaying deck of the ship.
"Captain," he shouted to Philbox, over the howling of the winds, "this might be a chance to settle down the crew once and for all"
As he finished speaking, j_ung emerged onto the deck with a malicious look on his face, and advanced on Philbox...
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j_ung
Dec 7, 2004, 4:10 PM
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"Arrrr, Cap'n," sez I. "What be yourrr intentions with that therrre vessel? Arrr..."
"I intend to board her, of course," sez Cap'n Philbox, "and take whatever booty be there for myself and all of the crew... including you, j_ung."
"Well Cap'n, seein azz how me pockets be fellin' a little light these dayz--" a poke at the Community's rrrotten rrrun o' luck under Philbox's sorrry leadership-- "that plan suits me just fine. Arrrr..."
"Let fly the Jolly Roger!" shouted the squirrrely sea dog, and a oo-rah rang forth from the crew, it did. They set to immediately and I figgerred it would be better to bide me time, I did. Arrrr... So I went to me station, the 16-incher, and loaded 'er fer the comin' fight.
My time would come, yes indeedy, but it weren't now, fer sure. Arrr... After the battle, once the Newbie's loot be safely tucked in Community's hold, me mates and me would have a rrrun at Philbox and his mate, that scurvy dog JRrrr. Send 'em to Davy Jones locker we will. Arrrr...
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tradman
Dec 7, 2004, 4:33 PM
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In a darkened corner at the back of the gun deck, dookie whittled a scrimshaw and chafed inwardly at the voices overhead. That fool j_ung. He was growing bold of late, and she wasn't sure how much longer her hold over him would last. He had ambition, sure, but had yet to show the promise of her earlier pawn, the ship's doctor kodos. And a fat lot of good he'd done her, she chided herself for the hundredth time.
She spat juicily and made an effort to unknot her shoulders. What were booty, gear and cams but baubles and trinkets to one of her ambitions? What were blood and guts but palate cleansers between grander - and viler - courses? She stood up and stretched. Sure she'd join the fight and make sure a few n00bs got the hefty boot in the balls they deserved, no doubt of that. But she'd keep her little whittling knife, sharpened silvery-bright, close to hand, and j_ung closer.
She swung up the ladder and onto the deck....
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gritstoner
Dec 7, 2004, 4:38 PM
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after the gun captain tradman had fired broadside into the newbie, raking her from bow to stern. it were time for the hardy (be that fool or otherwise) to board her.
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jumpingrock
Dec 7, 2004, 5:42 PM
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Captain Philbox stood survaying the HMS Newbie, before him. He had performed a feat of shear navel brilliance in order to cross its' bow. And his gunnery master Tradman had once again done his job perfectly. Ah, yes old chap, you still have it in you, he thought to himself calmly as the bullets whistled past his head.
"Man the grappling hooks!" He commanded and heard the call being repeated down the length of his ship. The community was a beautiful vessal that lacked in nothing. Years of plundering fattened merchant ships had left him with the best.
Philbox looked down his ship at his crew, they were ready and waiting for his word. JR stood at the far side of the ship, his great cutless swinging in his massive hands. Tgreene, the ships sniper was picking off the enemy targets one at a time with his custom made musket. The whip of a musket ball flying through the air startled Philbox out of his revery and he yelled "Grappels Away!"
The Grappeling hooks flew through the air like a flock of ravens intent on raining distruction of the enemy. Each was thrown with precision and accuracy. Except of course for the one thrown by the ship commedian Wideguy. That one flew out the side in the other direction and fell into the water with a resounding kerplunk. JR's voice boomed "Pull hard ya scurvy dogs! Let's give these nOObs the welcome they diserve"
And with that the ships crashed together with a jolt that threatened the structural stability of both ships. Indeed it was so jolting that it awakened the ship's monkey Kachoong from his wine induced stupor. Kachoong bounded up to the deck as only a monkey can and prepared to join the battle.
Philbox heard Kachoong scramble up behind him and leap to his shoulder. "Where have you been?" He began to ask before smelling the fermented grapes on his monkey's breath. "Nevermind." He stated with a sigh and charged across the gap between the ships to join his crew upon the HMS Newbie.
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coylec
Dec 7, 2004, 7:13 PM
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At that moment, scrivener coylec pokes his head up from the belowdecks. He starts screaming, "Could ya'll keep it down? I'm trying to work here!" He then ducks back into the ship, narrowly avoiding the pewter cup thrown by JR.
JR swears at him: "You fucking lazy incompent clerk -- get back to work! We don't pay you for slacking off, in fact, we don't pay you at all!"
Meanwhile, the battle raged on ...
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philbox
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Dec 8, 2004, 12:00 AM
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Philbox stood a ready to swing across to the foredeck of the good but ill fated ship the HMS Newbie with his faithful sidekick JR at his side and his monkey kachoong on one shoulder and skibby the parrot on the other shoulder.
Lifting his eyepatch so that he could gain a better view of the scene in front of him he noticed the captain of the other ship standing on the poop deck. Avast it was that scurvy dog Michael, his bitter rival. This will be an excellent day for warming up cold steel with fresh entrails, Philbox salivated at the prospect of dispatching his nemesis.
Stand by for boarding Philbox yelled to JR, in turn JR yelled to the underlings, Stand by for boarding ye scurvy mangy dogs.
Ahoy lads, look alive now, swing across to glory but that mangy cur Michael is mine I tell you, none shall do battle with he but I, arrraggh.
Michael stood there dressed like a modern day curt in his pink tights and flouncy shirt, cutlass at the ready, kerchief and snuff in the other hand. Philbox on the other hand with his eye patch lifted stood proud and tall in his tartan kilt and matching sporran prepared to take on this fetching character. Just then he noticed that Michael had changed his appearance from when they last met.
"I see you`ve now got a beauty spot on your cheek and what`s with the curly perm and blond hair" Philbox proclaimed. "One has to look ones best doesn`t one, especially when confronted by such a low life as Philbox" retorted Michael. "Ahh, you wound me varlet, that`s no way to talk to the master pirate of the seven seas" declared Philbox, "take up you weapon and defend yourself, I shall not have my honour impugned by such as yourself".
kachoong leapt of Philbox` shoulder and scampered up into the rigging where started to furiously masturbate and shriek unintelligible invective down at the rival captain. Skibby stood by her master and sat stolidly on his shoulder whilst chewing on his ear with her beak to maintain balance as the two combatants joined battle.
Thrust parry, pokity poke, clashity clash went the swords, A nick here and a nick there, "Ere, what`s this then" shouted Michael in his best imitation of a Spike Milligan Goon Show character, "you`ve nickeded me, you`ve nearly deaded me, oooo, I can`t stand the site of blood" as he passed out.
"Victory lads", as Philbox stood over the collapsed and unconscious form of his arch enemy.
Just then the ships carpenter edge aproached Philbox with a proposal.......
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jookyhead
Dec 8, 2004, 4:27 AM
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"We should each wear a sports-bra, just like this one! We'd be the terror of the high seas!" Edge excitedly suggested.
http://img70.exs.cx/...0/8508/sbedit8wd.jpg
...
...
Within the hour the whole crew was gathered around the plank of the ship, where Edge (hands tied and in a sports bra) was about to walk to his doom. Sharks circled hungrily below as Edge began his last few steps...
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jumpingrock
Dec 8, 2004, 4:55 AM
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"Wait! Me hearty mates! What right do we have to choose the fate of our brother Edge?" Cried the ships Chaplen Pink Tricam. "It is not for man to decide the fate of other men! We must allow Jesus to decide the fate of this man. I decry this coporal punishment and say that we let the fates..."
A shove from Ships gunner Tradman silenced him momentarily as he stumbled backwards. "Belay that talk Blaggard!" Tradman cried as he advanced towards Pink. Pink looked cowed and pulled his cross in the vain hope that the power of God would be enough to stop the angry scot. "Are ye blind can you not see that he has voilated section 54.2.34 of the Pirates code?" Tradman thundered into his face.
Pink was in his element here! "Yes!" He replied "But it is also said in 51.1.234 that if a Pirate ..." At this point the rest of the crew becomes disinterested and wanders away, leaving poor Edge to withstand the torment of listening to Pink and Trad man argue about the finer point of the Pirates code. A fitting punishment for even the worst crimes of the Pirate ship.
Meanwhile, back on the HMS newbie another drama was evolving. Captain Philbox had taken control of the HMS Newbie. He stood on the quarterdeck survaying his prize. From the corner of his eye he saw J_ung approaching. A menice in his eyes.
No thought Dookie to herself as she watched J_ung approach Captain Philbox. The fool will ruin all my plans! She set off in an intercept course hoping to avert the complete disaster that she knew would happen if J_ung tried anything now.
As a note if I am going to post a long one I will first post "posting" then edit my post so that I don't conflict with other peoples posts
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philbox
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Dec 8, 2004, 5:24 AM
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Philbox observed the mini drama enfolding before his very eyes as dookie trotted towards j_ung.
At this point I need to remind our audience that j_ung was always escorted by the j_ung dancers and so as dookie aproached she first had to elbow her way through all those damned ostrich feathers thus j_ung did not observe her aproach.
dookie tripped (on purpose of course, thus are the feminine wiles of the female species of womanhood and girls in general) and lunged forward ripping j_ungs loose pantaloons down to his knees revealing a fetching thong with matching fishnet stockings and suspender belt.
The crew gathered around and immediately began to point and laugh at j_ungs embarrassing situation. The j_ung dancers drew tight around him and shielded him from the gaze of the uproariously laughing and gesticulating crew.
j_ung shouted "I am not done with you yet you scurvy sea dogs, laugh if you will but I have my j_ung dancers to keep me warm at night".
Who could argue with that logic and so shipboard life resumed and Captain Philbox was once again left to ponder (not think) about his latest prize.
"Avast" he roared to the whole complement of the crews of both ships, "will you n00BS!!!111 join me or will you be a fightin me". With one accord the crews bespoketh an oath which joined the the crew of the HMS Newbie to that of his own crew.
Meanwhile kachoong having finished pleasuring himself atop the rigging........
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reno
Dec 8, 2004, 6:02 AM
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... stopped by the for deck to check in on Reno, who was in the midst of an orgy worthy of Caligula and the Roman Baths.
"Care to join the fight, Reno, or are ya gonna sit there and drink yerself silly with all those women?"
"I'm a lover, not a fighter, Kachoong, but I've also never failed to answer the call of duty."
With that, Reno set down the goblet of mead, kissed the girls (all 24 of 'em,) and picked up his cutlass (no, not "cute ass"... cutlass,) and headed up deck, where he found....
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jumpingrock
Dec 8, 2004, 5:49 PM
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That he had been dreaming again. For Kachoong was a monkey and could only speak in odd shreaks and growls. And the women that he had been in the midst of a massive orgy with were actually pillows. Poor Reno and his dillusions.
As Reno, stood on the deck he saw the cleaning efforts after the heroic battle. On the HMS Newbie JR stood directing the crew to begin the transfer of goods over to Community. Reno's eyes traced across the ship that they had recently captured. Larger than the Community it shouldn't have been so easy to capture. Fortunatly the HMS Newbie was filled with incompitant sailors.
Reno wondered if there were any females on the captured ship. All the ladies aboard the Community had already rejected his advances and he had been slapped and kicked numerous times before he had realized that all of Community's broads were stuffy biatches. He hated them all. Especially that Winter. She was so cold she had kicked him so hard he had had a hard time walking for a week! He'd have his revenge on her. But for now to check out the new ladies, maybe one of them would be docile and kind enough to take his virginity...
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philbox
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Dec 8, 2004, 8:53 PM
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Philbox spied JR searching for females again amongst the Newbies ships company. Why does he torture himself so. Poor lad he thought to himself. That codpiece will never hide his inadequate manhood, anytime that JR has gotten a lady to agree to a liason and he tries to bed the unsuspecting girl, the moment he reveals his tiny member the girl would burst out laughing and run around the ship telling all and sundry about the unfortunate pencil stub that JR sported. Sad really when you think about it.
Hello hello, who is that I see being coaxed out of a pile of rigging.
Could it be?
No.
Yes.
maculated.
What are you doing on this ship of nere do wells.
maculated was dressed in a huge puffy ballgown that revealed her ample bosom as is the fashion of late for upper crust university english professors. She also wore one of those huge piled up wigs with a tiara atop. Her face was rouged and powdered with a dirty great beauty mark on the cheek. Any moment she would act like the fat lady and put an end to the sacking of the Newbie.
Taking her opera glasses in one hand and cocking her little finger she lifted the glasses to her eyes and said.
"Quite, now run along little man".
"Harrumph, harrumph, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb". I blustered.
"Enough of this superior attitude from you my good lady".
"Off to the brig wench".
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kachoong
Dec 20, 2004, 1:44 AM
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Meanwhile on the Community the band of fool-hearty, brave rebels, led by J_ung were gathering themselves for a small mutiny of great preposterous proportions.... having felt it was their time for sweet revenge for all the potatoe peeling and belay duties enforced by the rules inscribed on the lower deck by the ships lawful clerk Coylec and his trusty cutlass 'cuteass', which he had stolen from Reno on many occasions....
....Kachoong the monkey had spied all that was going on from the crows nest and figured now was also his time. He would get revenge for the slight loss of hearing he had endured by the constant squawking from the parrot Skibby and the thousand times that the Tradman gunman had fired his practise rounds tied to ropes to randomly test the strength of Communities rigging (since the cannon balls weighed in at 85kg, the ropes 50% of the time broke with disasterous results)....
....Kachoong dyno-ed down the main mast to where the parrot sat on the captains shoulder and pulled its hat down around its ear holes, covering it eyes, then bit the captain on the other ear, giving him a mild case of scurvy and then scurried over to whisper something into the ear of Rendog, the streaking roadtripper.... the thought of possibly finding a remote island full of native beauties under the temporary captaincy of J_ung, his five ostrich feather dancing mates and a trusty man of arms (a man of tatooed arms) Taddy....
....the HMAS Newbie wasn't all that battered and was infact a fine specimen of ship building from the famous carpenters of Edge's ancestors.... it was still very sail-worthy and indeed began to break away from the clutches of the Community as its captain Philbox ran to the bathroom to find a plaster for his bleedin' ear.... the parrot continued to struggle with the hat pulled down around its eyes, frustrated at not seeing the continued fighting and Community mutiny lead by J_ung and co.....Taddie grabbed all the muskets he could carry, Rendog was close behind, Reno had his arms full of pillows and as his drool hit the deck wideguy slipped over, taking the whipper of his life and bowling over four or five of Communities finest grammar nazis, who were trying so desperatly to parry the blows thrown by the dancers as they enabled the mutiny to continue....
....the Newbie was now boarded with a new crew, "n00bs not included" was the first flag to be hoisted and Kachoong scampered to the front of the ship, traversed to the very front of the bow where the fine, beautiful maiden was so proudly facing the way across the ocean.... HMAS Newbie was indeed a beautifully crafted ship.... and Kachoong, in awe of her beauty, hung from her boosom and pointed to the horizon. For this was the way to the island he had seen earlier in a wine-induced dellusion....
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kachoong
Feb 9, 2005, 5:35 AM
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....since we've reverted back to piracy, I figured we might have to resurrect the story of Captain Philbox....
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wingnut
Feb 9, 2005, 1:25 PM
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edit: delete (double post :oops:)
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wingnut
Feb 9, 2005, 1:26 PM
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yay its back!!
... suddenly, out of nowhere came a freak wave, rocking the ship and tossing kachoong and the maiden overboard.
a few days later, they washed up on a deserted island. all of the maiden except the head was gone. kachoong scampered about, gathering bananas....
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rockrat511
Feb 9, 2005, 1:39 PM
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because he heard in high school that if you smoke the peals it gets you high, but high school was wrong. Depressed, he decided to pilfer the rum stash he found early that day and ended babling to the maidens head and passed out in the surf.
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philbox
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Feb 9, 2005, 11:07 PM
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Kachoong awoke to find the body of the maiden beside him in the surf so he quickly ran around and found the head and screwed it back on to the body. He gave it CPR and mouth to mouth and lo and behold his maiden came back to life.
Kachoong and his maiden walked slowly off into the sunset.
Meanwhile back at the ship the jolley roger was once again hoisted.
The lookout spies a small dinghy floating off the port bow. Ahoy there in the dinghy. Up pops a head and goodness cries the crew, it is none other than the vilest of the pirate captains of the seven seas, blowboarder the despicable or spic for short seeing as he is so short and all.
It seems that he lost a bet and thus he was thrown off his ship by his first mate. Mutiny I say, avast me hearties, we`ll catch up with that evil first mate drkodos and run him through.
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blondgecko
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Feb 10, 2005, 2:02 AM
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Within hours of boarding, Spic was making a bid to replace JR as first mate. Unfortunately for him, this bid died a quick and relatively painless death due to general disinterest, and he was relegated to the role of ship's mascot, replacing the marooned and much-lamented Kachoong.
"Arrrr, all the better!" thought he. "The perfect position to launch my bid for the captaincy of this fine vessel."
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kachoong
Feb 10, 2005, 2:24 AM
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....but it was J_ung and his band of brigands who had earlier captured the fine HMS Newbie, who were now again within grapling hook range of the Community.... Rendog the streaking roadtripper and Taddie with muskets in hand leaped onto the deck of Community, but had trouble deciphering who indeed was the Captain..... Philbox and Spic were parrying blows and JR had covered the deck in oil hoping for unsuspecting maidens to walk past and slide around removing their clothes....
J-ung and his four dancers of death swung across the void betwen the vessels and landed near wideguy who had taken another whipper, from the crows nest flattening the grammer nazis and providing J-ung a clear shot at Philbox and Spic who were whacking each other with Parrots.... Philbox had a mild case of scurvey and felt a little nauseous from reading the endless book of Favorite Movie Quotes..... and with this didn't see....
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blowboarder
Feb 10, 2005, 1:03 PM
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...Spic pull from the pocket of his pantalones a small, well built iron box. Quickly unlocking both padlocks and opening the lid, Spic sets the box down on the rolling deck. Out clambered thousands and thousands of tiny viscious trolls.
"Quickly, my lovelies, they made the mistake of welcoming us aboard. Let us repay their mistake tenfold"
With that, the trolls were everywhere, moving faster than the eye could follow. Twenty or thirty crawled into the headresses of each j_ung dancer screaching "Fifteen holes is better than ten, fifteen holes is better than ten" over and over until the deadly dancers couldn't take it anymore and threw themselves overboard.
Then...
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