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subtle


Dec 31, 2004, 5:56 AM
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Tired of heartfelt internet queries that go a little something like this:

SincereNewClimber: “Hi, I was just wondering if anyone could recommend a gym near me? I think this is a great sport, and I’m excited to learn and participate. Thank you.”

Salty9463PostVeteran: “STFU, NOOB! Your INGNORANCE of the TRUE SPIRIT OF CLIMBING is manifest in your sycophantic allegiance to the CORPORATE OVERLORDS of your PLASTIC PRISON! True climbing can only be experienced in the pristine wilds of Nature, while jug hauling a 5.6- with a pack full of HAM SANDWICHES. That’s right, HAM, you NOOB. NOOB! STFU!”

Well, now there’s an alternative, Ask The NOOB.

Post or PM your questions, queries, ponderings, and deep poignant soul-searching mysteries and have them answered by a V0- gym climber with no tan and eerily suspect hygiene. Ask the NOOB has been providing inane and potentially dangerous advice to local climbers for…weeks…some of which has actually been taken seriously until inevitably proven to be claptrap, bunkum, or just plain tomfoolery. Just ask our satisfied customer:

GymPimp634: “Word, Yo, Ask the NOOB is the bomber tweaky shiznit. I was once a pathetic gumby with no beanie and green rental shoes. Ask the NOOB hipped me to the secret training techniques used by 5.14b climbers and…Ninjas…and as soon as I get out of the hospital, I’m going to totally hike that 5.8- at the gym. Rad!”

Act now, and potentially receive an autographed Ask The NOOB photo (please request police mugshot, embarrassing high school yearbook photo, or disturbing crayon self-portrait) for your stalking and/or voodoo ritual pleasure.

Allez! Homard!


Partner taualum23


Dec 31, 2004, 6:28 AM
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Awesome!

nOOb: I was wondering which shoes I should get for tradding. I dont trad yet, only freeclimb and want to try using the chalks and slings and pitons. I am an intermediate climber, and have a lot of experience (only in the gym so far) but I want to try outdoors, too, becasue that type of climbg is interesting to me. Oh, I can climb 5.7 in the gym, so whhat shoudl I do to train for 5.13?


subtle


Dec 31, 2004, 7:21 AM
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In reply to:
Awesome!

nOOb: I was wondering which shoes I should get for tradding. I dont trad yet, only freeclimb and want to try using the chalks and slings and pitons. I am an intermediate climber, and have a lot of experience (only in the gym so far) but I want to try outdoors, too, becasue that type of climbg is interesting to me. Oh, I can climb 5.7 in the gym, so whhat shoudl I do to train for 5.13?

taualum, I'm glad you asked. Transitioning from 5.7 to 5.13 is pretty straightforward, and you've already grasped the key principle...buying gear. A pair of $165 shoes with 40 degree downturned toes sized about, oh, 7-9 sizes smaller than your street shoes should do the trick. Slap those suckers on, walk painfully on tip-toes to the proj, and get your send on.

I've already posted at length on how to be a great Trad climber, but to recap: The key, once again, is gear...and Ham sandwiches. Get yourself about $9000 worth of titanium octo-cam nut-pitons and then jam the whole wad of them into the first good looking placement you see. Then just run out the rest of it, stopping occasionally for a sandwich. This will save you time clipping pro, keep your energy level up, and make people call you "dangerous" and possibly "insane"...which I believe are intended as compliments.

Allez, Homard!


Partner taualum23


Dec 31, 2004, 7:26 AM
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Thanks, nOOb!! I have placed my order on www.sIcpROj.com for some boulder-killer9000 shoes and 3.1 gram quickdraws for sportclimbing, and www.sportosaintschyt.com for all kinds of fancy trad gizmos. I maxed out three credit cards (its OK, they were my mom's) but now I'm sure to send! I am going to try this stuff out on the boulders near my house, then I am goign to fly to Mt. Yosemtie that everybody's always talking about and do some sick stuff. There's a lot of good sport climbing there, right?

Oh yeah...I have a problem. I don't eat ham. Is Pb&J an acceptable substitue, or am I doomed to never be a 'real' climber like you?


tuna


Dec 31, 2004, 8:47 AM
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Tofu and Jam or you could eat spam out of a can like a real hard core trad man


subtle


Dec 31, 2004, 10:10 AM
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Food considerations are significant, almost as important as choosing the right kind of chalk.

Empirical observation has shown an inverse relationship between sensibility and prodigious sloper pimp hand. I eat a balanced diet and count every calorie and can barely pull off the ground with a strong tailwind. I regularly climb with a woman who lives on yoga, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and snickerdoodle cookies and has been known to crank V6 while calling me a 'Little Beeatch'...whatever that means. Another friend consumes only tobacco, egg whites and ketchup and is pushing V10. The obvious conclusion is that if you can find a way to survive on helium, serial masturbation and relish packets stolen from McDonalds....there's probably a climbing movie in your future.

Make sure they get your good side, bro.

Allez, eh? Homard.


jakedatc


Dec 31, 2004, 10:24 AM
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In reply to:
I regularly climb with a woman who lives on yoga, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and snickerdoodle cookies and has been known to crank V6
though with the occasional Krispy Kreme donut she gets shut down on Vsoeasyyoueffingweaksaucer projects known as the hackysack attack(or something like that)

Dear nOOb:
I am wondering the best way to capture video of my super hard sends so that my friends will not call bullshit... however.. they are correct it is bullshit and i am really dabbing more than a french freeing trad climber. Should i use a tripod and set up my camera with an ideal angle to be later used with dramatic hip hop music , purchase a chest mounted camera a la Blair Woods Project or just send my problems one handed and film with the other (which would allow for great up close crimp shots and desperate slopering)

your services are a vast improvment
Dubai da?
Spurtweenie


Partner taualum23


Dec 31, 2004, 10:28 AM
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In reply to:
obvious conclusion is that if you can find a way to survive on helium, serial masturbation and relish packets stolen from McDonalds....there's probably a climbing movie in your future.

Make sure they get your good side, bro.

Allez, eh? Homard.

Ah, I see. I will try it this weekend. My older brother has some stuff that I think is like helium, called whippets, and I will masturbate while eating my cereal tomorrow morning, after breathing some of it in. I can get some relish from the hot-dog vendor that my sister is engaged to.

Then my friend Mikey can video-tape me climbing, maybe people will buy it. I put up a sik V-10 (At least! , I'm not sure, though I have never climbed more than a gym v2...but this is at least 5 timers as hard!) on the under-side of the bleachers in the high-school, do you wear a helmet bouldering, or only tradding?

I'm so glad I found a mentor like you to show me the ropes (haHa...ropes, get it? Like the ones we use in rockclimbing!) It's much better to learn over the internet than outside. It gets cold outside sometimes. Oh, and when it's not cold, it can get buggy. I hate bugs.

Do you like the figure-of-eitght knot? It's OK, but can be hard to take out if I fall alot (like on the wall at the gym where it goes all almost upside down, I HATE that one, don't you?)


Partner pt


Dec 31, 2004, 10:34 AM
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Why, why don't I have the rate button today! :D

And while I'm here I do have a question for the n00b;

I'm still confused about this whole aid climbing thing. How do you get a red-point of an aid route? And I've been working on my power with some bouldering; I can send some sick problems - do you think I'm ready to project an A5 on elcap?


chalkfree


Dec 31, 2004, 10:36 AM
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The only filming style acceptable must be the one handed climb, but you're not a real hardman until you can film with one hand and place your titanium gear in unreal placements whilst trusting your footing only to the fact that you're standing on the shoulders of your belayer. Also the food question has a simple answer, every desperate story of excellence involves starvation, so you must simply forgo eating and live off of the vibes obtained from the rock. This is of course the way real climbers do it.

Thanks Ask A n00b!!!!111


Partner angry


Dec 31, 2004, 11:12 AM
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Dear n00b

I am an advanced climber, I have climbed 2 routes that are marked advanced (not to the top but mostly). I want to be strong because strongness is totally sweet. There are lots of guys that lead climb. I think this is scary. I lead climb too, because I am totally insane. Once I got on the red route and I almost onsighted it, but I fell a lot on toprope. I decided to onsight it it later and it got changed before I could. Do you like Zorro? Zorro is like a ninja with a sword. I went outdoor climbing once. Who do they think they are kidding. I had to walk for TEN MINUTES, and there were only 5 routes. There was a 5.7+, it was almost unclimbable. There were a few routes that were harder, I don't think anyone can actually climb that hard. I think someone wrapped down those routes and spread chalk around to fool me.

I hear Tommy Caldwell put his finger through a bolt hanger and fell, and it got ripped off. Do you think that would hurt? I love Chris Sharma, he is so cool, I can't remember hearing about him climbing anything really hard or revolutionary or more than a boulder problem recently, that's what is so cool about him, we all know he's the best anddosent have to climb harder and harder to prove it.

I know this guy who climbed a crack, I think that looks hard.

And finally, would you buy the stone nudes calender or the women of climbing calender, I think this is a very important question.

I love you n00b, (even with my pee-pee)

Bye.


cam


Dec 31, 2004, 11:21 AM
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Yes, indeed. As stated above, to be a real hard ass trad climber you must invest in a whack of gear. However, this is just the tip of the iceberg...it is absolutely PARAMOUNT that said gear be comprised of many diverse items. Included in these items you must have gear you can use safely but most importantly you must have gear that you don't know how to use at all(safely or otherwise) and gear that you don't even know the name of! Really, I cannot stress this enough.

Next, drag this gear around everywhere you go so that you will be preppared to plug it in at a moments notice knowing that should you have to, you could drop a truck on every placement because you read that blurb in Climbing Magazine's Tech Tips section. The first benefit of draging your rack everywhere should be obvious... that the gear will show signs of wear consistant with a hard ass tradster and secondly people must SEE YOU WITH TRAD GEAR. This is key! If no one see's you with trad gear they will just call buls*@t as soon as you open your mouth about anything trad-esgue. When you go to the gym (where all trad daddies train) remember to clip gear to your harness gear loops and make sure that it will flap around wildly when you dog up that soft 5.6.

Now I know what you're thinking, "ohh I'll use my #5 camalot and #4 Bro with a few small nuts and a figure 8 for noise".

WRONG!

With most aspects of trad, bigger is usually better however in this case, less IS more. Since you have limited space for this you must optimise your gear choices for the situation. This means SPECIALIZED GEAR. Yes, one or two of the smallest Aliens and ball nuts along with a Petzl folding knife and ONE cordelett. Hear me? ONE CORDELETT!

Any traddy worth their salt should be able to rescue their whole team from the tea room of Satan himself using ONLY one cordelett and ONE bentgate binner. As for the figure 8, anyone who knows anything will spot that 8 a mile away and you'll be labeled a poser for life. NEVER wear a figure 8. A carabiner brake and a hip belay are all that should EVER be required while belaying trad or rapelling. You don't need to know what these terms mean, just know when to use them. If you screw this part up you might as well just stay at the gym and supervise birthday groups because your trad days will be over before they start.

Now, what I'm about to tell you may seem confusing and maybe a little shocking but the following is THE paradox of trad climbing.

Although there are scads of different gizmos and widgets available to the hardcore trad climber and it is requisite to have the biggest gear rack you can afford (by "afford" I am referring to that grey area between serious debt and bankruptcy) the truly hardcore yo-trad-e-mite knows that there is no situation (real or imagined) which cannot be solved, with style and grace, using good old fashioned nuts. That's right...nuts. You will never need anything other than a set of nuts. Make that two sets of nuts so you can stack if need be. If you EVER think that you need something bigger than two stacked #13 stoppers, you are not paying attention and you deserve to take the whipper. Again you don't need to know what the terms "stack" "whipper" or "stopper" mean, just know when to use them.

So when buying gear you should not be afraid to double or tripple up on everything and when you find that lone #7 Tricam in the clearence bin for the love of god, buy it man. You never know when you will find the perfect placement for that piece and if you had brought it with you would be perfect for that placement. Of course you must leave it at home because why? Correct, you will never need anything bigger than two stacked #13 stoppers. However owning the #7 Tricam means that IF you had brought it along, you could have used that outrageously large pocket. This is the stuff that pub stories are MADE of people, pay attention here.

So in a nutshell, read the bold text again.

Happy tradding and everything I have said here is a lie accept for the Satans tea room thing, that's true.


subtle


Dec 31, 2004, 11:36 AM
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In reply to:
Dear nOOb:
I am wondering the best way to capture video of my super hard sends so that my friends will not call s---... however.. they are correct it is s--- and i am really dabbing more than a french freeing trad climber. Should i use a tripod and set up my camera with an ideal angle to be later used with dramatic hip hop music , purchase a chest mounted camera a la Blair Woods Project or just send my problems one handed and film with the other (which would allow for great up close crimp shots and desperate slopering)

I am glad that you have brought up this hugely important issue. Since no true climbing partner will ever believe you cruised their proj...even if they were spotting you during the send...video evidence that will later be scrutinized closer than the Zapruder film is a must. Fortunately for you, there are a number of extremely workable options:

1. The Zen Master approach. Dab all you want! Fix some gear, use a stepladder, and have some buddies hoist you to the finish jug with a block and tackle...then, in a dreamy voice-over, quote eastern philosophy and say things like "The inner journey I experienced while sending HoSlappa Sit Start was so intense and trancendant I wasn't even aware of my body"...which is particulary good when what your body was actually doing was kicking over your chalk pot and screaming profanity. Fade to black with you meditating on top of the boulder. Maybe a bird lands on you, or something, 'cause you're all in synch with nature.

2. The Gritty Realist approach. Film all 574 attempts, then cut inbetween them really fast to a soundtrack of upbeat techno. Intersperse with shots of you re-taping your bloody digits and hoovering 5 Red Bulls for the sugar rush. Just as the music peaks, splice in the 575th attempt where you actually pull off the ground before exploding off the start holds in a spray of chalk, blood, tape, more blood and profanity. Fade to black with a voice over of you saying "Next season...next season..."

3. The Big-Budget approach. Hire George Lucas to create a digitally rendered version of you, which can be made to realistically simulate you climbing any proj, anywhere. Save money by using a slightly modified Jar-Jar Binks prototype, which means your buddies will have to buy that you have very long ears, are purple, and say things like "Meesa gonna send deees V1+ righta waya!"...which may or may not work. Fade to black over a lightsaber battle between you and Jason Kehl. You win, natch.

Allez! May the Homard be With You!


danpayne


Dec 31, 2004, 11:48 AM
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Dear N00b,

Is a Grigri an acceptable substitute for complete incompetence?
and why doesn't SpellCheck work?

Big fan,
Dan


scrappydoo


Dec 31, 2004, 11:56 AM
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Hey n00b:

I was wondering... which climbing shoes should I buy? Does the Anasazi symbol on those shoes REALLY help me climb a whole grade higher? Should I just get the shoes that Sharma wears? Which are cooler, lace-ups or velcro slippers?

Also, now that I have toproped that red-taped route in the gym (only falling twice), I can proudly identify myself to others at party's and out at the bars as a climber, right?

Oh, yeah, one last thing-- I've heard some people talk about "pitches" and "anchors"-- they can't be talking about climbing, since I'm a climber and I'd know, so what are they talking about?

thanks,

Sly

*sorry, i just had to bring up the shoe question :deadhorse: *


subtle


Dec 31, 2004, 12:07 PM
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In reply to:
And finally, would you buy the stone nudes calender or the women of climbing calender, I think this is a very important question.

I would tend to agree that this is a very important question, for the following reason...if you rule out the bra section of the Sears weekly sales flyer (pilfered from the mail at mom's house), those two calendars are about the only way your average socially inept male boulderer is going to even see a woman. I mean...let's face the facts...19 year old guy, no tan, 5'11" and 104lbs, hair all freaked out under a beanie of some sort, lives in the dirt under a boulder, speaks pidgin english, covered in chalk, blood and tape, main life goal is to go from V6 to V7...SEXY, SEXY, SEXY, eh!

J. Lo, get him, he's right over there!

So, errrrr, buy 'em both, bro. Then get some helium and a few relish packets, and you're good.

In reply to:
I love you n00b, (even with my pee-pee)

Ummm, yeah...Thanks?

Allez? Homard?


subtle


Dec 31, 2004, 12:15 PM
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In reply to:
Dear N00b,
Is a Grigri an acceptable substitute for complete incompetence?

There is no substitute for complete incompetence. It's all those smart people who know stuff that get killed off tragically. I mean, look around your crag/gym/living room...chances are someone is currently belaying while sitting down and eating a ham sandwich with their brake hand while someone else's spotter is checking out a member of the opposite sex while their climber is dynoing to a loose hold on a highball problem over a pit of broken glass...and all of these people are going to be just fine.

Look out for the person double-checking their knot, though. Poor guy. He's a goner...

...I'll miss him.

(sniffle,sniffle) Allez! (weep, weep) Homard!


discolegsyndrome


Dec 31, 2004, 12:16 PM
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Dear N00b,

While ice climbing.. do i have to use those sharp pointy thingies?
I mean they look cool and all but wouldn't it be cooler, hence better, to just put in some cams? Maybe those #5 Caramels I keep hearing about?

Merci


subtle


Dec 31, 2004, 12:44 PM
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In reply to:
I'm still confused about this whole aid climbing thing. How do you get a red-point of an aid route? And I've been working on my power with some bouldering; I can send some sick problems - do you think I'm ready to project an A5 on elcap?

I don't know why you'd want to redpoint an aid route...that's just borrowing a sport climbing term and mis-applying it. Unless you were planning on doing that aid route in 1980s vintage spandex, wearing 5.10 Dragons and pausing to shake out and apply extra mousse...I don't see it...although now that I've described it...I'm having trouble not seeing it. Gross.

No, my friend, you need entirely new obscure terminology. Since many of the cool colors are already taken, I'd suggest going with something like...fruits? Like so:

"Man, did you hear, pt totally Mango Pointed that route on El Cap! He and his team were trying for the Kiwi Point, but they had to hang on some gear when they blew out an aider and they had to bivy for two weeks in an ice cave and eat the belayer to stay alive. What a gnarly route..."

Congratulations, champ. We're all proud of you. Except your belayer, of course. He's kinda pissed about the whole thing...

Allez. Homard.


subtle


Dec 31, 2004, 1:15 PM
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In reply to:
Which are cooler, lace-ups or velcro slippers?

Slippers of any sort are very cool, as long as you know how to use them.

The first step is carrying about nine pair around on some sort of a 'biner attached to your 20 gallon chalk pot. Then you can roll up to the proj and, like a golfer trying to decide between a hard wedge or an easy 9 iron, figure out if this particular V1- will require the new Venoms or the scuffed-in V10s. You should consider the humidity, the wind conditions, and what the hot member of the opposite sex working the problem is wearing. Crucial. For super-styley points, mix and match one of each. Beware, though, you have to send in mixed shoes, or it's serious loss of karma.

Once you've chosen your weapons, spend about 1/2 an hour unhooking them from the other 8 pair. Then, you put them on.

This ...is why you buy slippers. So you can sit under your V1- (next to the V11 Uber-Proj...and...yeah...you're mostly sitting under the V11) and spend about an hour putting on your shoes. Relish the horrible sucking sounds as you jam your mutilated toes into something smaller than the baby shoes you wore at 6 months old. Savor the horror on the faces of the other climbers as you hobble over to the proj, put a foot on the first chip and scream in agony. Then, make your usual half-assed attempt and nonchalantly saunter back under the V11, sit down, and yank those bastards off before gangrene sets in.

Then, you turn to the object of your desire next to you and say...

"These are a little loose around the heel...I think I need to go down a size"

Allez! (ow) Homard! (ow)


phillygoat


Dec 31, 2004, 1:29 PM
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Hey nOOb-
I'm a solid V3 bolderer(except for that stoopid blue problem) and go to the gym like everyday and was cranking on this sick V5(almost sent) I campused to a pocket and my forearm made a sound like a flexi -straw expanding which didnt hhurt right away but now when I grab a pocket sharp VERY painful pain shoots up my arm but only when I grab pockets should I still climb? or climb but dont do pockets? how could i tape so no pain? cause it seems ok cept when climbing thanks for replys peace out 8^) :P :twisted: :wink: :?: :!: :o :D :P


jakedatc


Dec 31, 2004, 1:41 PM
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In reply to:
For super-styley points, mix and match one of each. Beware, though, you have to send in mixed shoes, or it's serious loss of karma.

Hey.. if it's good enough for the great Zebediah Engberg.. it's good enough for me dammit! :wink:
The key is to not cross contaminate the sportivas.. with the 5.10's.. and the red chili's should NEVVVVAR be combined with mad rocks.. could you imagine what would happen :shock: i don't think you want to find out
and remember.. you cant make all the sponsors happy all the time

a few tips on mismatching shoes..

1. Anasazi velcros. cannot heel hook.. they get pulled off faster than that cheerleader's dress after the prom..

2. Mismatching on slab is just silly.. well climbing slab is silly so i guess this is redundant.. friend dont let friends climb slab

3. Even though you love the attention of people saying "oooo i've never seen anyone with those shoes before!" Boreals should be avoided at all costs.. even though they made some of the originals shoes they seem to also still use that original rubber.. it will not help you in your mismatched quest for shoe supremecy

4. matching old and previous models may be acceptable in europe and some parts of canada but ask your self, SELF!? what do you hope to gain by wearing cobras and venoms.. or mocosymns and anasazi slippers

i hope these simple tips will allow people to mismatch confidently and get mad props for their send


Partner iclimbtoo


Dec 31, 2004, 1:47 PM
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Re: Ask the NOOB [In reply to]
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Oh my God! This is awesome! I have never laughed so hard in my life...subtle, you are one hell of a writer. If you wrote books, I'd buy them!
:lol: :lol: :lol:


subtle


Dec 31, 2004, 2:06 PM
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Hey nOOb-
I'm a solid V3 bolderer(except for that stoopid blue problem) and go to the gym like everyday and was cranking on this sick V5(almost sent) I campused to a pocket and my forearm made a sound like a flexi -straw expanding which didnt hhurt right away but now when I grab a pocket sharp VERY painful pain shoots up my arm but only when I grab pockets should I still climb? or climb but dont do pockets? how could i tape so no pain? cause it seems ok cept when climbing thanks for replys peace out 8^) :P :twisted: :wink: :?: :!: :o :D :P

Well, phillygoat, I'm no doctor, but based on what I've seen in the climbing community, you're (maybe? not?) doing exactly the right things. All of that foofery about Rest and Rehabilitation and Recuperation is a bunch of 'science' mumbo-jumbo...you may as well go see a Witch Doctor and get bled with leeches. I suspect that the pain in your arm is just some additional tendonoids or ligimentals or...bones...growing. It's very likely that you are transforming into some sort of quasi-human evil climbing monster, hopefully with abundant Super Powers and some sort of hook or claw for a hand. Sweet! When it comes time for you to start sucking out brains to feed your insatiable need for midichlorians, though...remember...

Friend! Subtle Friend! Subtle brain taste very, very bad! Bad Brain!

Regarding your injury, is one of your arms twice as long as the other? If so, that'll totally help on reachy problems. Like, it's V7, but for spaghetti-arm over here, it's V3-.

Allez. (snap!) Homard.


dirtineye


Dec 31, 2004, 5:40 PM
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Dear N00b,

I am thankful for your extremely useful words of N00bdom. It is about time somone of your august status came along to answer the burning questions of today's climber.

My question is, how do you get a N00b to listen to good advice?

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