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dirtineye
Feb 14, 2005, 2:03 AM
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Dear N00b,
It is with the greatest decorum that I write to you this day, and I hope that what I have to say will not offend you in any way, or I will have to fall upon my ham sandwich.
But I have noticed that there is a chink in your formerly immacualte armor of n00bism. You may be slipping a little. Sadly, you have failed to answer a very important question posed in the most respectful way. So I would ask it again in hope of receiving the gift of your ultimate knowledge:
Will ham freeze?
This question gnaws at the hearts of seasoned trad climbers everywhere. We fear to trad into the unknown realm of sub 40 degree weather, even with hand warmers, unless we can be sure that OUR PRECIOUS HAM SANDWICHES WILL REMAIN PURE AND UNSULLIED.
We await your answer, with tricams dangling, oh great one.
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happiegrrrl
Feb 14, 2005, 2:50 AM
Post #202 of 977
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Dear N00b,
In the book "Between a Rock and a Hard Place," the author refers to the rubber of his climbing shoes blowing out as "gear failure." I wish I could remember the mileage said shoes had at the time of catastrophe, but it wasn't very much. I think the catastrophe occurred while he was on one of his first multipitch climbs.
Proof that the shoe construction is defective was obvious because he said BOTH shoes wore through at nearly the same rate. Obviously, the material isn't suitable for normal wear and tear......
If a professional climber(he has written a book, after all) espouses that the rubber on climbing shoes is not of sufficient quality to take a regular amount of use - why are all the weekend warriors telling us that it is OUR fault that our shoes don't hold up? Is this some sort of insider's joke, or something?
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subtle
Feb 14, 2005, 2:36 PM
Post #203 of 977
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In reply to: Dear N00b, Will ham freeze?
Truly, a question for the ages. I shall meditate on it during my voyage of introspection and enlightenment (aka, week-long business trip to...errr....Houston). I hope to have a worthy answer when I return.
Allez. Road trip. Homard.
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jackhammer
Feb 14, 2005, 2:43 PM
Post #204 of 977
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Dear n00b,
I know that when Climbing, it is better to look good then to feel good. It is with this in mind that I ask...what are the fashion do's and not do's of climbing?
Fernando's Hidaway!!
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aikibujin
Feb 16, 2005, 2:47 AM
Post #205 of 977
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In reply to: Will ham freeze? This question gnaws at the hearts of seasoned trad climbers everywhere. We fear to trad into the unknown realm of sub 40 degree weather, even with hand warmers, unless we can be sure that OUR PRECIOUS HAM SANDWICHES WILL REMAIN PURE AND UNSULLIED.
Of course ham will freeze. It's just sandwich meat, not some self-warming radioactive superman food.
The secret is not in hand warmers, but in Ham Warmers (© 2005).
My company, Chesapeake Culinary Ham (CCH for short), makes them.
We also make a Ham Warmer Hybrid (patent pending) which can be used both for your hands and your ham sandwiches. Most retailers can back order them for you.
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dirtineye
Feb 16, 2005, 3:04 AM
Post #206 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: Will ham freeze? This question gnaws at the hearts of seasoned trad climbers everywhere. We fear to trad into the unknown realm of sub 40 degree weather, even with hand warmers, unless we can be sure that OUR PRECIOUS HAM SANDWICHES WILL REMAIN PURE AND UNSULLIED. Of course ham will freeze. It's just sandwich meat, not some self-warming radioactive superman food. The secret is not in hand warmers, but in Ham Warmers (© 2005). My company, Chesapeake Culinary Ham (CCH for short), makes them. We also make a Ham Warmer Hybrid (patent pending) which can be used both for your hands and your ham sandwiches. Most retailers can back order them for you.
Indeed this is encouraging news, but, if I may point out a rather obvious fact, YOU are not The N00b, from whom all climbing wisdom flows, and so, I must wait for His opinion on the matter before taking action.
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aikibujin
Feb 16, 2005, 3:17 AM
Post #207 of 977
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In reply to: Indeed this is encouraging news, but, if I may point out a rather obvious fact, YOU are not The N00b, from whom all climbing wisdom flows, and so, I must wait for His opinion on the matter before taking action.
Yes, that fact is very much obvious to me. I wasn't trying to replace the N00b, merely trying to sell a (very good) product, and make a honest living.
I await the N00b's endorsement of our company. I think CCH can even offer him sponsorship, if he ever trade-in his beanie for a ham sandwich.
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dirtineye
Feb 16, 2005, 3:26 AM
Post #208 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: Indeed this is encouraging news, but, if I may point out a rather obvious fact, YOU are not The N00b, from whom all climbing wisdom flows, and so, I must wait for His opinion on the matter before taking action. Yes, that fact is very much obvious to me. I wasn't trying to replace the N00b, merely trying to sell a (very good) product, and make a honest living. I await the N00b's endorsement of our company. I think CCH can even offer him sponsorship, if he ever trade-in his beanie for a ham sandwich.
Well if The Noob DOES wish to doff his beanie for a moment and partake of the obscene pleasures of roped climbing, I myself would be more than happy to provide the means.
BUT, in my experience, true bearie wearing boulderers NEVER remove their beanies, and they begin to shake uncontrollably if they ever get more than 8 feet off the ground and can see no tick mark, feel no chalk, and hear no shout's of, "COMEON!!!!!1111". Plus, I think the rope attached to them woudl freak em oout. they would probably try to chew through it.
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viciado
Feb 16, 2005, 10:16 AM
Post #209 of 977
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dirtineye wrote:
In reply to: Plus, I think the rope attached to them woudl freak em oout. they would probably try to chew through it.
Kinda like an animal in a leg- hold trap? Would they actually chew their legs off to get out of the harness? Or is that for an "imarealmantrad" climber?
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subtle
Feb 18, 2005, 6:40 PM
Post #210 of 977
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In reply to: dirtineye wrote: In reply to: Plus, I think the rope attached to them woudl freak em oout. they would probably try to chew through it. Kinda like an animal in a leg- hold trap? Would they actually chew their legs off to get out of the harness? Or is that for an "imarealmantrad" climber?
No lie, this is shockingly close to the truth. I actually start to chafe in strange places just looking at my harness...or 'man diaper', as I generally refer to it. Leading is great fun up until the first bolt, because you can pretend that you're bouldering. As soon as I clip in, though, I instantly start to sweat and shake. By the second bolt I'm typically gagging on bile, audibly whimpering, and begging for the warm embrace of my sweet, sweet crashpad. You'd think that at the third bolt I'd simultaneously soil my prana pants and explode in a fireball of spontaneous combustion...but I've never made it to the third bolt on any route, so I've been spared the embarassment.
...so far.
Allez. Ham Answer Soon. Homard
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subtle
Feb 21, 2005, 12:55 AM
Post #211 of 977
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In reply to: Will ham freeze?
A little background: Normally, I answer people's questions while listening to A Perfect Circle CDs and swilling Diet Coke. Maynard James Keenan and about 2,000mg of caffeine is just the ticket for recombining rad, yo!, and pimp into new and interesting sentences...also for getting the shakes, freaking out, and accusing your cat of 'giving you the eye'...but I digress.
For this query...truly the Question for The Ages...I adopted a different approach. I pulled on my finest prana beanie...the one I was saving for my wedding day...and sank into a deep meditative state in front of my TV and encyclopedic collection of climbing movies. Somewhere between watching Sharma's FA of the Mandala for the 573rd time and Jason Kehl's 57432nd apocalyptic dyno-stab banshee-wail...I had the answer.
Ham can freeze. This is an obvious scientific fact. The true measure of a Trad Climber's trancendant spirituality is to be in such perfect synchronicity with nature, the universe...and yes, their ham sandwich...that they are also freezing at the same rate and therefore are unable to tell. At the Jedi-Master Uber-Zen Limit, one should be able to serenely gnaw away at a sammich that Will Gadd would happily use as a tool placement on any given M13...and smile through your crunchy tooth nubs all the while.
Allez. Yes, mustard freezes, too. Homard.
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feral_raccoon
Feb 21, 2005, 3:33 AM
Post #212 of 977
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Oh mighty Noob with your wise and sage-like pearls of wisdom, I come to you with a question on etiquette. My partner and I are both very silly girls who like to wear pink halter-tops and flouncy shorts, and jump up on the most insanely hard-looking climbs we can find then let out streams of obscenities while drinking cytomax-tequilla just because we find it all hilariously funny. The problem is that we frequently grievously insult other climbers. For example, if there are girls wearing their gramdma’s sweat-pants instead of prana or patagucci we politely tell them it is one thing to be a silly cow, but to look like a silly cow is entirely unforgivable. We constantly stuff our faces with slim-jims and cold meat, and when we spy people of possible French descent we yell “Voila Froggies!” and drop rocks on their head.
Is this type of behavior wrong?
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dirtineye
Feb 21, 2005, 3:49 AM
Post #213 of 977
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In reply to: Oh mighty Noob with your wise and sage-like pearls of wisdom, I come to you with a question on etiquette. My partner and I are both very silly girls who like to wear pink halter-tops and flouncy shorts, and jump up on the most insanely hard-looking climbs we can find then let out streams of obscenities while drinking cytomax-tequilla just because we find it all hilariously funny. The problem is that we frequently grievously insult other climbers. For example, if there are girls wearing their gramdma?s sweat-pants instead of prana or patagucci we politely tell them it is one thing to be a silly cow, but to look like a silly cow is entirely unforgivable. We constantly stuff our faces with slim-jims and cold meat, and when we spy people of possible French descent we yell ?Voila Froggies!? and drop rocks on their head. Is this type of behavior wrong?
Dear N00b,
Can you introduce me to these girls? Maybe since you are a famous internet rock climbing personality, you could get us a double date? I'va always wanted to stuff my face with rocks and throw slim jims at frenchmen.
I think we havea lot in common, I am already good at insulting people!
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gunksgoer
Feb 21, 2005, 5:26 AM
Post #214 of 977
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In reply to: Secondly, could your rack be used as a weapon? C'mon now, like any self-respecting traddie would dare risk sproinging a trigger cable off his belolved #6 C4....
thats what hexes are foor dude :twisted:
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seagypsy
Feb 21, 2005, 5:43 AM
Post #215 of 977
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[quote="dirtineye"][quote="feral_raccoon"]
Dear N00b,
Can you introduce me to these girls? Maybe since you are a famous internet rock climbing personality, you could get us a double date? I'va always wanted to stuff my face with rocks and throw slim jims at frenchmen.
I think we havea lot in common, I am already good at insulting people!
I regret that Feral_Raccoon and I are unable to double date at this time as I am grounded from dating for the next 6 months due to spetacularily bad judgment...but this would not preclude snogging in a dark dank offwidth somewhere. Last time feral_raccoon and I double dated we comported ourselves like shit flinging howler monkeys and ran off the 2 nice young men from Boulder. If you want a date with my climbing partner Feral_Raccon, I would sell her to you for $2000 and a fistful of slimjims.
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subtle
Feb 21, 2005, 6:18 PM
Post #216 of 977
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In reply to: Oh mighty Noob with your wise and sage-like pearls of wisdom, I come to you with a question on etiquette. My partner and I are both very silly girls who like to wear pink halter-tops and flouncy shorts, and jump up on the most insanely hard-looking climbs we can find then let out streams of obscenities while drinking cytomax-tequilla just because we find it all hilariously funny. The problem is that we frequently grievously insult other climbers. For example, if there are girls wearing their gramdma’s sweat-pants instead of prana or patagucci we politely tell them it is one thing to be a silly cow, but to look like a silly cow is entirely unforgivable. We constantly stuff our faces with slim-jims and cold meat, and when we spy people of possible French descent we yell “Voila Froggies!” and drop rocks on their head. Is this type of behavior wrong?
If it's wrong, I don't want to be right.
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 21, 2005, 7:52 PM
Post #217 of 977
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In reply to: Dear n00b, I know that when Climbing, it is better to look good then to feel good. It is with this in mind that I ask...what are the fashion do's and not do's of climbing?
You know, I was just about to launch into my usual canned rant about spandex wearing sportos, trad guys with ham sandwich pockets in their overalls, and boulderers that have more beanies than underwear...but then I realized...none of this is true any more. I have been living...and typing...a lie. Climbing fashon has...gasp!...apparently passed me by. In an effort to re-hip myself to the pulse of the sport, I stopped hanging out with actual climbers and instead bought a bunch of glossy magazines featuring dozens of 'lifestyle ads' and the occasional shot of Dai Koyamada campusing 5.14c mono-projects. Here's the beta, Yo.
1. Urban Pimp is the New Granola Crunchie: Lose the nappy dreads and birkenstocks, brah, the dope shizzle for 2005 is some italian pinstripe climbing pants and a backward kangol. Bonus points for some sort of mega-tight shirt of some exotic material like silk...or polyester. If you don't look like Tony Montana, you ain't gonna climb like Tony Montana, mang...if he climbed...which...he didn't.
2. There isn't any VIP Room in your Westfalia Van, Bro: Since you now look like you climb V10...or are a gigolo...it's time to really distance yourself from the rest of the unwashed, unsponsored masses. Back in the day, you'd camp out with everybody else at the crag and enjoy the warm feeling of community...but no more. Now you have to spraylord all of the restricted access stuff you did, to reinforce your alpha-boulderer cred and justify that...polyester shirt. Like so: "Word, yo, I was working this ill proj at the secret spot...and it goes at like V17...so we all pile up into the Viper Room...and Carmine Electra is there and she, like, digs my shirt...and asks for my number, yo! Rad!"
3. It's all about the Accessories: This has more or less always been the case in such a gear-intensive sport. The only difference now is instead of a duffel bag full of chalk and six different kinds of finger tape, it's having the same $150 shoes as your idol and real-time text messaging your posse about your latest V2- testpiece send. Bonus points for video mail. Double bonus points for photoshopping in Chris Sharma.
I'd gladly tell you more, except Paris Hilton just showed up with the Cristal and I gots to jet, yo. Audi...
Allez. Poseur. Homard.
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dirtineye
Feb 21, 2005, 8:03 PM
Post #218 of 977
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[quote="seagypsy"][quote="dirtineye"]In reply to: Dear N00b, Can you introduce me to these girls? Maybe since you are a famous internet rock climbing personality, you could get us a double date? I'va always wanted to stuff my face with rocks and throw slim jims at frenchmen. I think we havea lot in common, I am already good at insulting people! I regret that Feral_Raccoon and I are unable to double date at this time as I am grounded from dating for the next 6 months due to spetacularily bad judgment...but this would not preclude snogging in a dark dank offwidth somewhere. Last time feral_raccoon and I double dated we comported ourselves like s--- flinging howler monkeys and ran off the 2 nice young men from Boulder. If you want a date with my climbing partner Feral_Raccon, I would sell her to you for $2000 and a fistful of slimjims.
seagypsy,
I regret to inform you that judging by the sound if it I am old enough to be your grandfather, unless you are grounded by one of your other personalities or your husband, and in any of those cases, I still could be old enough to be your father, and would not be interested, especially if more than one of those voices did the grounding. Besides, I don't have a clue as to what snogging is, and I probably would not be any good at it.
However if Feral Raccon is over 30, has had her shots (racoons carry rabies you know) loves dirt that falls from the sky, gives good belay, and we can negotiate on the price, I might be interested. How bout forget the cash and go for the slim jims?
And if it came right down to actual dating, like most guy climbers, I talk big, but I'd probably run like hell. Women scare me.
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justafurnaceman
Feb 22, 2005, 12:23 AM
Post #219 of 977
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HHEEELLLPPPP!!!!
nOOb! I have a problem! I've only been climbing a couple of yrs and have been doing pretty good. I started out on TR then finally branched out into sport. But now to the problem. These past few wks. I've been drawn to ham sandwhiches. What has become of me!! I don't know what to do! You have given me such great advice in the past so that's why I came to you.
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akclimber
Feb 22, 2005, 12:50 AM
Post #220 of 977
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Dear n00b,
You have got that totally RAD climbing lingo (did i get it right?) How do I learn that shiznit (oooo, im on a role)? Do I have to hang around bolderers?
Please help, I can't ever send a v15 if I dont know it....
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sactownclimber
Feb 22, 2005, 1:21 AM
Post #221 of 977
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Dear nOOb:
I have been thinking about getting in to trad climbing, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice about what kind of gear to buy. I've read lots of forums where people argue about Camalots versus Friends versus Aliens, etc., but I was hoping you could give me some insights in to the finer points of selecting gear for my rack. I was thinking about the following:
* Blue through Red CCH Aliens
* .5 - 6 BD C4's
* BD Anodized Stoppers
* BD Wired Hexes
Is this good or do I need more?
--J
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gblauer
Moderator
Feb 22, 2005, 1:42 AM
Post #222 of 977
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Dear nOOb,
Someone told me that if you inhale lots of helium from your kid's birthday party balloons you could float up climbs. I am getting a terrible headache from all the helium and my kids keep asking for their balloons and I am not climbing any better.
What am I doing wrong?
sincerely,
Big headache in the city of brotherly love
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subtle
Feb 22, 2005, 2:08 AM
Post #223 of 977
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In reply to: Dear nOOb: I was hoping you could give me some insights in to the finer points of selecting gear for my rack. I was thinking about the following: * Blue through Red CCH Aliens * .5 - 6 BD C4's * BD Anodized Stoppers * BD Wired Hexes Is this good or do I need more?
Oh, c'mon now, have you not been paying attention?
Your gear list, while well thought out and of uniformly high quality, is woefully...brief. Seriously, brah, you're not going to impress anyone at the crag unless you need a 60 minute break and supplemental oxygen after your third trip back to the car to bring 'The rest of the cams...err...the rest of the small cams...err...the rest of the small BD cams...anyone want to help? I only have...196 or so...'
I mean, you're going to use up most of your rack in the first five feet or so, leaving you a moderate 120 foot run-out and one micro-cam and a nut made of gum and a shoelace for your belay anchor. Sure...I'd climb on it...but I'm a boulderer and we aren't generally that picky about pro.
So, trad up, yo. Sell your car or a...kidney or something...and get thee to the gear store. Heck, buy a few extra tri-widgets and medium brother hex pitons, just in case...
...you can never be too safe.
Allez. Equalized. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 22, 2005, 2:20 AM
Post #224 of 977
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In reply to: These past few wks. I've been drawn to ham sandwhiches. What has become of me!! I don't know what to do! You have given me such great advice in the past so that's why I came to you.
Hmmm, you claim to have followed my past advice and are still mysteriously...alive...hmmm...got to be some serious odds against that. Anyway...
The call of the ham sandwich is difficult to explain. I maintain, along with several noted philosophers, circus freaks and assorted other deviants, that the Ham Sandy is the soul of the Trad Climber. The abilty to simultaneously work a solid 5.6- proj and drop crumbs on other climbers is a seminal part of the freedom and majesty that is Trad. That, and everybody loves ham. Even vegans. It's like catnip.
Pehaps you are a trad climber at heart. Do you ever secretly fondly cams? Have you ever gazed longingly at a set of...man, I don't want to type this...nuts? Have you ever felt an unbearable lightness that could only be cured by hauling 50lbs of slung goodies up a stout 5.4+ lifetime proj...er...jug haul?
It could be for you, you never know. Well, I do...but I'm not telling.
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 22, 2005, 2:44 AM
Post #225 of 977
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In reply to: Someone told me that if you inhale lots of helium from your kid's birthday party balloons you could float up climbs. I am getting a terrible headache from all the helium and my kids keep asking for their balloons and I am not climbing any better. What am I doing wrong?
Hmmm, tough to tell with such a well thought out a plan. Fortunately, I live right near MIT...and although I don't actually know anything about science...there's got to be some residual unused smartness floating around here, somewhere. Let me just put on my thinking beanie...
My guess is that the helium is negatively affecting your throateruis dynopimpimus muscles...more commonly known as the 'Bzzzzat! Muscle'. I mean, if Jason Kehl has taught us anything...other than to be afraid of strangers and dark alleys, natch...it's that to go big you need to scream big. Really big. Really really big. And there you are, all hopped up on helium, trying to throw for some desperate V1+ crux move...and what comes out? Some anorexic micro-squeak?
Tsk, tsk...it won't do.
I'd save your inventory of strange gas-filled balloons for the next Dead concert and instead work on a few practical grunts, shrieks, and miscelleous profanity bombs to tactically delploy during hard moves, easy warm ups...and when walking to the water cooler.
I mean, if you crack open your next Red Bull with a solid "Aiiieeeee, Bzzzzat!...Yeah, Beyotch!"...well, see you in the climbing magazines.
We're ready for your closeup.
Allez. China Cat Sunflower. Homard.
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