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bad_lil_kitty
Jan 26, 2005, 8:16 PM
Post #152 of 977
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noob,
wtf just happened? i just pressed submit ONCE... great, now it's no longer the other kids fault... it's mine... :( :twisted:
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trickster
Jan 26, 2005, 8:24 PM
Post #153 of 977
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Dear noob, what size shoe should I get? It seems like the better climbers like size 9. I really want to be a better climber. Thanks!
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justthemaid
Jan 26, 2005, 8:50 PM
Post #154 of 977
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Noob said: "...tell tale signs to look for. Sleeping dangling upside down from some aiders..."
Thanks for the heads-up Noob. I hesitated to mention that just last week I caught him hanging from a big-bro he had wedged in a chimney. He was swooping down on unsuspecting hikers from above. Said it was just a joke, but I'll keep an eye out for other signs. You're a life saver.
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subtle
Jan 27, 2005, 2:41 AM
Post #155 of 977
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In reply to: Since the Superbowl is a rather powerful ending to the football season, I was wondering if there could be such an event for climbing. Something that brings all of the different forms of climbing into one dramatic, beer drinking, gaucamole chomping, couch riding fiesta
Oh, brah, that's like the last thing you want. Have you ever actually watched a half-time show all the way through? No, and neither has anyone else...because they're the result of like 5,000 mega-uncool people who used to be in the AV club and are now aging and paunchy and flat-out determined to prove that they're still with it...so they're going to turn this mutha out! Rock me, Amadeus!
Don't beleive me? Here's what it'd look like...
Lots of smoke and explosions, some fireworks. 3473 people run onto the field with snippets of ribbon on sticks that are supposed to look like...rope, I guess...and start flailing in a rythmic-gymanastic orgy to an Aerosmith/Kid Rock interpretation of "Walk This Way"...only...it's "Climb This Way"...see, that's catchy! The Blue Angels fly over at Mach 4, and the sonic boom tears a curtain off a red white and blue artificial wall, where nubile (yet totally clothed...don't want a repeat of last year...no sir) beauties wriggle up underhanging 5.6+ top-rope Jug Fests while Britney Spears BASE jumps onto the stage covered only in Petzl stickers and a Prana beanie and launches into a poorly lip-synched "I'm a (Belay) Slave for You". A dance team of 98lb anorexic boulderer-men yards her up onto their stick-like shoulders (Bro, the friction on her slopers is rad, Yo!) and dynos off stage. Just when you think it can't get any better...Nelly, Chris Sharma and Korn tear into a stirring rendition of the Who's "5.15a (unrepeated)". If you're not weeping openly by this point, you're obviously a Communist...or an Aid Climber...
Oh, we'll sell you the whole seat...BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!
Allez. Sell-Out. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 27, 2005, 3:25 AM
Post #156 of 977
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In reply to: after much thought i have come up with the perfect plan to achieve cilmbing glory! Basically i plan to repeat chris sharmas feat of completing realisation
No, no, no, you're going about this from totally the wrong angle.
Right now, as we speak, there are approximately 28,472,458,734 French people training night and day, day and night...and some weekends, too...to repeat Realization...or, as they generally prefer to call it, Biographie (Sharma Sucks and America Does, Too). I mean, if you listen closely, you can practially hear them wasting away and ordering tighter spandex in an effort to out-diet each other for le Gran Redpoint. Getting to the top is a foregone conclusion, so, much like yourself, they're planning every kind of freakshow variant under the sun. Somewhere at this instant there is a 12 year old girl doing pullups and visualizing the first left-hand-only pinch & sloper Under-13 rain-send...and she's going to get it before you do, my friend...because she's hungry...she never eats anything, of course she's hungry...anyway, you're screwed, bub.
Your only hope is to play to your strengths, not as a climber, but as...an American!
Forget dieting down to 98lbs so you can do lock-offs on a tic-tac...go on an all-bacon diet and round out to a voluptuous 340lbs or so. You want difficulty? Every pocket is a mono when you've got giant sausage fingers. Mmmmm, Giant Sausage...better make that 350lbs.
Once you're in shape, roll over to the crag and rack up with some state of the art gear. Since your rippling phisique is now slightly outside the safety margins for 'normal' gear, bust out your custom titanium and carbon fiber quickdraws and 4mm Uber-Spectra rope. Buying your skills isn't against the rules...and even if it was, heck...we'd just bribe someone to change the rules, right pards? You betcha.
Now, here's the key...if for some silly reason you find you can't pull off the ground on Realization...take a page from that great American Donald Trump's book(s) and...build one better right next door! Imagine how depressed those Frenchies will be as you style Realization II before their calorie-deprived eyes, then casually announce that it felt "Oh, 5.19ish". Grab a couple of quick cover shots for Rock & Pimp and Climbering before anyone notices that Realization II is really a folding step ladder with a mono drilled in one of the rungs...you don't want it to get down-rated right away.
Your sponsors would be pissed, y'know.
Allez. USA. Homard.
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arjunrattan
Jan 27, 2005, 6:16 PM
Post #157 of 977
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[quote="subtle"]In reply to: after much thought i have come up with the perfect plan to achieve cilmbing glory! Now, here's the key...if for some silly reason you find you can't pull off the ground on Realization...take a page from that great American Donald Trump's book(s) and...build one better right next door! Imagine how depressed those Frenchies will be as you style Realization II before their calorie-deprived eyes, then casually announce that it felt "Oh, 5.19ish". Grab a couple of quick cover shots for Rock & Pimp and Climbering before anyone notices that Realization II is really a folding step ladder with a mono drilled in one of the rungs...you don't want it to get down-rated right away. Your sponsors would be pissed, y'know. Allez. USA. Homard.
right on man..awwsome..im sure to become a great and super famous climber..and I owe it all to you..in fact your days of being a woman deprived male boulderer are over...im going to sing your praises in all my interviews/magazines..im going to tell the world just how great a guy the NOOB is...thats the least I can do for someone who helped propell me to immortality...i mean realisation II..damn...i bet all that is goin to get you some hotties..peace man.. and enjoi the chickos :wink: :wink: lol
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sed
Jan 27, 2005, 6:58 PM
Post #158 of 977
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holy shit bro, that last one just about split my gut. i can just picture a big fat sausage finger going into a hole that some wee little frenchman has set up to bivy in for the night. i've been working on realization II already, think i've got it dialed but i'm wondering if that would take the glamour off sharma cause like he's totally rad. i've been trying to emulate him though, my lungs are almost shot from it. What do you think his secret is?
S
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subtle
Jan 27, 2005, 7:34 PM
Post #159 of 977
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In reply to: i've been working on realization II already, think i've got it dialed but i'm wondering if that would take the glamour off sharma cause like he's totally rad. i've been trying to emulate him though, my lungs are almost shot from it. What do you think his secret is?
Ah, well, to answer this one, I'll have to indulge in that most elite of climbing skills...VIP-Level Spraylording. This is serious Ninja Stuff, boys and girls, so make sure you warm up really well...you don't want to blow a tongue tendon.
The key to separating yourself from the seething hordes of Mad Rock Loco wearing gumbs clustered around the base of your VB+ gym proj is the ability to tactically drop the name of some highly sponsored climber who is, presumably, your best friend and spiritual confidant. Like so:
Yeah, so Lisa Rands was spotting me on the proj, and Jason Kehl and Luke Parady came by with Lauren Lee, and they were all like, "Yo, that's rad, son!", and I'm all like, "Yeah, Klem Loskot couldn't get the first move" and they're like "You're the shiznit, yo!" and I'm like "Yeah, I totally am".
So, given that Chris Sharma was obviously crashing over at my place recently, drinking wheat germ smoothies and playing hackey sack...I asked him. He told me a lot of secret stuff that I promised never to reveal, which is why I'm such a rad climber these days, but he did mention that the key was...not falling off.
I assume that's some sort of subtle, Jedi-style Honemaster term for, y'know, some yoga mind power chakra-fusion technique...but Chris was getting the hack back together and it was my turn to run the blender...so...I dunno.
Allez. Oooooom. Homard.
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quiteatingmysteak
Jan 27, 2005, 7:53 PM
Post #160 of 977
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Registered: Dec 15, 2004
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Dear nOOb:
Ok so I TR (which is ill-style language for toprope lolz) about a 5.8 at the gym, and I wanna go outside, so should I wait for some old dude to do a 5.9 so i can try to jump on it right after and go POW! in ur face! ONSIGHTS ROXXOR! or should i just stop fooling around and wasting my time and head to wherever climbing magazine just did a feature on.
And Madrock is cool. They are so cool, they pick the most awesomest demographic audience! I feel totally hip, because i too am mad, albiet not at rocks.
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bonin_in_the_boneyard
Jan 27, 2005, 9:20 PM
Post #161 of 977
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In reply to: noob, wtf just happened? i just pressed submit ONCE... great, now it's no longer the other kids fault... it's mine... :( :twisted:
Nice sextuple post, Kitty! That's a full litter :D
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melbatoast
Jan 28, 2005, 7:20 AM
Post #162 of 977
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Dear NOOB, so the SuperBowl is coming up and that makes me think of beer. Course, no REAL climbers would be caught dead watching the 'Bowl when they could be out climbing, but I need a little advice. I'm gonna be meeting some dudes at the crags for the first time and I'm bringing the beer. What is the coolest kind of beer to bring? Guiness? Sierra Nevada? Sierra Nevada sounds cool cuz it's named after mountains and stuff, but I'm totally worried that I'll bring the wrong kind. I don't even like beer unless I'm already really drunk on tequila, but I know some guys dig it. Maybe I should just get whatever's cheapest so I can get a shitload of it? Help me, NOOB!!!
Allez. Duff. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 28, 2005, 4:01 PM
Post #163 of 977
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In reply to: I'm gonna be meeting some dudes at the crags for the first time and I'm bringing the beer. What is the coolest kind of beer to bring?
Now, this is an important question...and I don't know the answer. Much like trying to decide which 1982 Gran Cru Boreaux will enhance the subtleties of your seven course french meal, selecting the right beer for a group of climbers demands years of experience, a vast array of choices and an intimate knowledge of your companions.
I think your best bet would be to follow the Local Ethics at your crag, just like if you were planning on gluing on some gym holds or grid-bolting a nice 5.7- crack. If you show up at the Red (where Ale-8 rules) with a 40 of PBR and plans to pimp your steezos, well, you may as well roll up in green rental shoes, brah.
Also, know your posse. The fierce independance of an Alpinist will tend to drive them to whatever beer absolutely no-one else is drinking, especially if it's some sort of freakish octo-bock mega-dark 500 calorie fudge byproduct. Your typical traddie will pick something that goes well with ham, and is brewed locally by a small co-operative that has been using the same equipment for 20 years...just like a good traddie would. Your sport climbers will tend to favor some sort of high-tech low-carb anti-gravity light-light pale ale...can't get all bloated for the redpoint, y'know? Boulderers, on the other hand, are usually too young and too poor to get any beer, so anything with alcohol in it is waaay rad, yo. If you can somehow hand a boulderer the same kind of beer that Chris Sharma was drinking in Rampage...you have a friend/spotter for life.
Allez. Homard.
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cracklover
Jan 28, 2005, 5:24 PM
Post #164 of 977
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Mr Noob, sir, what about an aid climber? I'm thinking homebrew. It kind of says "I'm willing to put in a lot of personal hard labor, care, and effort, for something most people think is silly."
GO
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fixednut
Jan 28, 2005, 6:35 PM
Post #165 of 977
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I have it on good authority that the Noob is actually Dave Barry, who has just returned to Florida after a 4-year climbing bender in Europe.
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cracklover
Jan 28, 2005, 6:50 PM
Post #166 of 977
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Nah, the N00B is actually funny.
GO
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sed
Jan 28, 2005, 6:59 PM
Post #167 of 977
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you are so informative i can't stop asking. lately i've been wondering which type of girl to focus my death crimp love vibes on. i can't decide if i'd rather have a sport chick, a trad girlie, a boulderin gal, or even an alpine vixen. it seems really complicated and i have a hard time decided. a little about me, i can crank pretty hard indoors, like V3-, outdoors my sport pulling gets me up just about anything under a 5.10 and trad still kind of scares me but i did follow your advice and i picked up a load of gear anyway. so which kind of girl should i go for?
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subtle
Jan 28, 2005, 9:38 PM
Post #168 of 977
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In reply to: lately i've been wondering which type of girl to focus my death crimp love vibes on. i can't decide if i'd rather have a sport chick, a trad girlie, a boulderin gal, or even an alpine vixen. it seems really complicated and i have a hard time decided.
A stone-cold ladykiller like you is thinking of...limiting...yourself to just one woman? Say it ain't so! The game needs you, playa!
Oh well, if you must. Oh, in the interests of full disclosure, I should tell you that I have taken a permanent vow of celibacy...ie, I am a pasty-skinned beanie-wearing, no-job having, dirt-living boulderer...and that much of my advice will be as...well, theoretical...as my insights on how to pull V4 moves. Having said that, here's the beta:
Climbing women are, by and large, rare exotic creatures...much like unicorns or sasquatches...or vampire lobster bats. They are rarely seen in the wild, and when they are, they are frequently photographed for no apparent reason, mostly just to prove that they exist. The presence of a female in the herd can usually be inferred from a sudden stampeed over toward a particular problem, then hundreds of strobing camera flashes and the inevitable frantic jostling for the killer booty shot. If the woman in question happens to be wearing a sports-bra, expect a wave of faintings and maybe a trampling or two.
Attracting the attention of your spandex-slathered intended will be slightly harder than becoming a Chess GrandMaster and the Ultimate Fighting world champion...simultaneously...and will require just as much skill and tenacity. As a boulderer, my usual play here is to...hide...and not come out of my hiding place until the wierd person with the...bumps...and curves...who smells like flowers...has gone away. I believe if you were a sport climber you could strike up a conversation and ask to borrow some mousse...and a trad climber could simply offer a bite of his ham sandwich...but I'm guessing, here.
But really, which climber woman is right for you? Any real Alpine or Ice climbing woman is bound to be like ten times tougher than you, and will regularly chump-up your epic stories without even trying hard. Trad women are fiercely independant, and they aren't interested in any stability like relationships or...bolts and anchors. Female sport climbers posess the most sculpted and tantalizingly perfect phisiques on the planet, but seem to only like pony-tailed Frenchmen named 'Yvonne' who have seemingly been pilfering from David Lee Roth's 1982 orange and lime spandex (with fringe) collection. Bouldering women are as wild and free as the wind, but have the annoying tendency to style your proj and then call you a 'beeatch'...then downclimb...then steal your Clif bar.
Pick your poison, brah...and remember to bring extra batteries for flash photos.
Allez. Loch Ness. Homard.
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climberterp
Jan 29, 2005, 12:07 AM
Post #169 of 977
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dear nOOb
I've been working really hard on my V0- project. Like, I totally spent 2 hours sitting on my pad at the bottom of the boulder just contemplating the moves cuz, like, I definitely want to flash it so I've gotta have my mental strategy prepared before I even touch the rock. The problem is my crash pad still looks shiny and new, so I have nothing to show for all my diligent mental training. Any tips for making it look like I've been bouldering in the mud and then sleeping on it to grind the dirt in real good? I don't want to look like a poseur.
ur the best!
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subtle
Jan 29, 2005, 3:39 PM
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In reply to: The problem is my crash pad still looks shiny and new, so I have nothing to show for all my diligent mental training. Any tips for making it look like I've been bouldering in the mud and then sleeping on it to grind the dirt in real good? I don't want to look like a poseur.
It's going to depend on what sort of boulderer you see yourself evolving into, through time. I realize that this is veering dangerously close to those hellish career guidance counselor moments from high school...but as the G.I. Joe cartoon reminds us...Knowledge is Power. There are really three main schools of thought, the Factory Fresh, the Andy Warhol, and the Life Accessory.
The Factory Fresh is when you roll up to he proj with a pad that's so dazzlingly new and clean that every boulderer within miles instantly starts salivating at the thought of being the first to sample it's virginal surface by greasing off a V0+ onto it's supple and inviting 2 layer foam and bomber ballistic nylon. For maximum effect, have someone dressed head to toe in Cordless logo-wear deliver it to you at the base of the problem, still sealed in plastic wrap and with a big sticker on it that says TEST MODEL -Elite Sponsored Climbers Only on the front. Welcome to RockStar country, my friend! This plays best in ultra-hep areas like Bishop and Hueco, where everybody climbs hard and the guy who pours your latte at Kava has probably got three or four sponsors. Good luck, and I loved your cover photo in last month's Crimp & Pose! Rad!
The Andy Warhol is a good choice for climbers with artistic intent, who have artistic friends...or who have massive amounts of free time and a sharpie magic marker. Basically, just turn your pad into a combination sketchbook/topo/diary/impressionistic oil painting/tick list/manifesto/drawing of a tattoo you're thinking of getting, etc. Some people go for a single bold theme, some people just start in one corner and let 'er rip. There is one significant benefit to a good Andy Warhol, though...nobody is ever going to go "Man, just my luck, three other people with a Misty Magnum with Tupac's face surrounded by the lyrics to Tool's 'Third Eye' and a flaming scorpion clutching Lisa Rands and crushing a can of Red Bull in it's claw...how am I going to ever figure out which one is mine!?!". Not too likely, eh? This tends to suit you well if you are kinda hairy, kinda smelly, and have a name like "Zephyr" and play the flute.
The Life Accessory is the most versatile option, but also in some ways the most difficult to pull off for the casual climber. For example, take my friend Dusty Beekeeper, local legend in Bishop for his hard sends and lack of showers. Dusty sleeps on his pad under the Spectre boulder, eats his breakfast on it, drags it into town where he uses it as a bench to sit on while he has 17 cups of coffee at Kava, takes it to the boulders where he pounds on it all day, rain or shine, then eats dinner on it, smokes various substances on it, plays cards on it, has lurid dreams involving famous female climbers on it, and wakes up spooning with his dog on it the next day. So, in one 24 hour period you have...funky climber bed sweat, jelly donut crumbs, coffee stains, rock abrasion, mud, water damage, chili damage, burn marks, ewwww...bodily fluids...gross, dog hair and more funky climber bed sweat. Given this level of abuse, a week old pad would easily look like John Sherman used it to send Left El Murray in 1941...or was it 1942? Anyhow, this is the preferred option if you don't have a name, live under a boulder, everything you own folds up inside your pad, and climb V12 mostly in sandals.
Allez. Ewwww. Homard.
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smearhound
Jan 29, 2005, 6:04 PM
Post #171 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
I was hanging out at Chelsea Piers waiting for my roller-hockey team last weekend when I saw people climbing on a big wall with lots of colorful pieces of plastic. When I went over to investigate further, I kept bothering the staffperson until he explained what these people were doing. He followed that up with a comment that the only real climbing around the area happens at the Grunks and that you need special equipment. He started to ignore me again so I picked up a magazine about climbing that was on the staff desk and found out that there are lots of stores where you can buy climbing gear, just like that, and they don't even check to see if you're certified. Anyway, I convinced my parents to buy me a bunch of rock climbing gear as an early birthday present (you wouldn't believe how cool that guy at EMS was) and now I want to be a traditional rock climber, because they have all the cool gear, and the rad EMS guy said that that's the best climbing anyway. My mom lent me bus fare to New Platz, so I think I'm ready to for my big day of climbing. The snow and stuff might make it harder, but trad climbers are really tough, as the EMS guy said.
My problem is, I'M A VEGETARIAN. How will I be able to climb Twighlite Zone without the energy-generating properties of the ham sandwich? Will I ever make it to 5.13d/X by February?
Sincerely,
Desperate on the Upper East Side
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maxclimber1w
Jan 29, 2005, 9:23 PM
Post #172 of 977
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Posts: 124
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Dear N00B,
I have a dilemna. I've been particulary short on women recently, something that led me to put the following classified ad in the last issue of Crimpering.
Tantric funk master (MN/28/5'11"/lean/long hair/PHENOMENAL) seeks polygasmic LoveGoddess(es?) for sustained, high-intensity/low-drama, multidimentional merging sessions. UBlikeMe: healthy, hot, 20-32, rhythmically enabled, yoga/herb-friendly, hi-libido, intelligent, ready-willing and able. Sport climbers welcome.
Its been two weeks and no response! WTF! How can this be? Please help, N00B! My world is crashing down!
-LovelessInSeattle
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subtle
Jan 30, 2005, 11:11 PM
Post #173 of 977
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In reply to: My problem is, I'M A VEGETARIAN. How will I be able to climb Twighlite Zone without the energy-generating properties of the ham sandwich? Will I ever make it to 5.13d/X by February?
You are making the common beginner mistake of not understanding the Ham Sandwich's role in Trad Climbing...it's not merely the calories...or even the mayo...it's the soul, you dig?
Trad is all about soul, brother. In a world where seemingly every other 13 year old is onsighting V11 and people are turning testpieces into trade routes at a dizzying pace...how's your standard 40-something old, been climbing all his life, Jethro Tull t-shirt wearing righteous dude supposed to fit in? I mean, chances are his eyesight is now so bad he can't even see what that dirt-crusted wierdo with the beanie is crimping on, let alone dyno to it from that other alleged hold way over there. Madness, he thinks! That's not climbing! It's...freakshow monkey-chucking! Back in my day, we had HOLDS, dad gum it!
...and just like that, a Trad Climber is born. The Anti-Boulderer. A climber that eschews sharp holds and superglued fingertips for smooth cruising and foot chips you could land a helicopter on. The Ham Sandwich is their defiant statement that this stuff is Easy, and you can take your V12 crux move and shove it, Yo! If you can't eat with one hand and climb with the other, you're obviously just some sort of degenerate spandex-craving sporto-freak.
So, you see, it's not so much that you're eating Ham...it's that you're eating anything on route. If you can somehow throw down a bowl of Miso soup while firing the crux of Astroman, I, and the rest of Camp 4, will buy you a beer...and a Ham Sandwich...we'll eat the sandwich.
Oh, and yeah, you'll easily crank 5.13d/X. I mean, 5.6 isn't that hard, and 5.13 is...like .47 easier...so you'll have no problems.
Allez. Arithmetic. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 31, 2005, 12:30 AM
Post #174 of 977
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In reply to: Tantric funk master (MN/28/5'11"/lean/long hair/PHENOMENAL) seeks polygasmic LoveGoddess(es?) for sustained, high-intensity/low-drama, multidimentional merging sessions. UBlikeMe: healthy, hot, 20-32, rhythmically enabled, yoga/herb-friendly, hi-libido, intelligent, ready-willing and able. Sport climbers welcome. Its been two weeks and no response! WTF! How can this be?
Well, obviously nobody is going to respond to that...sheesh. Let me show you how this looks to your intended audience, and you'll immediately see the problem:
Lie (lie/lie/lie/big lie/fib/scandalous lie) seeks as-if, you wish, ha-ha. Blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever, do de do de do. Sport climbers welcome.
C'mon, man! Nobody likes sport climbers...and sport climbers don't like other sport climbers...it's really a miracle climber/belayer pairs manage to stay together for the 15 minutes it takes to rope up and send, as a matter of fact. There are the usual conflicts, of course...someone ganking your favorite spandex...short-roping your climber on their dead-certain onsight of a killer 5.9- proj...using the last of the mousse, natch.
But don't you ever...ever...out-French someone. The F-Bomb is like the tactical nuke of impressing people at the crag, and should be used with similar concern for the potential results. The worst thing you can ever do to a ponytailed-out Ceuse-wanna-be is trump his "Allez!" with a "Oui! Allez fromage croissant! Homard, eh?" You'll be lucky to escape a severe slap fight, at best.
I'd ditch that line, maybe put in something really smooth like "Ah yees, I am terrebleey new to zees country, I 'ave just arrived from la France and I am seeking nubile partners to climb and make zee sex with. Allez, eh?"
That should work fine.
Allez...Nevermind.
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ajkclay
Jan 31, 2005, 2:13 AM
Post #175 of 977
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Registered: May 9, 2002
Posts: 1567
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Dear nOOb,
I have a problem that I think perhaps you might have come across yourself:
Like you, I already know everything about climbing, trad, sport, aid, bouldering, and the other stuff like alpine (except maybe just a little more), and I also know that everyone wants to be told that they are wrong by someone they don't know on a website...
My problem is this: How do I get the right sort of self-righteous tone in my posts that makes everyone realise that I AM GOD? I have tried and tried, but just can't seem to get it quite right. Do you know any words that I could use that might get me started? How do I amp up my haughtiness?
I know that I should ask everone who posts an opinion for actual documented proof, and then go and spend every waking moment looking for obscure references stating the opposite of what they have said, but where to start? Is there a "self righteous database" or something? Also, do I have to give up all my other hobbies such as socialising with people, having a life and climbing?
Thanking you in advance for this priceless resource,
Sincerely,
Self Important A$$hole.
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