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subtle
Dec 31, 2004, 1:56 PM
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Tired of heartfelt internet queries that go a little something like this:
SincereNewClimber: “Hi, I was just wondering if anyone could recommend a gym near me? I think this is a great sport, and I’m excited to learn and participate. Thank you.”
Salty9463PostVeteran: “STFU, NOOB! Your INGNORANCE of the TRUE SPIRIT OF CLIMBING is manifest in your sycophantic allegiance to the CORPORATE OVERLORDS of your PLASTIC PRISON! True climbing can only be experienced in the pristine wilds of Nature, while jug hauling a 5.6- with a pack full of HAM SANDWICHES. That’s right, HAM, you NOOB. NOOB! STFU!”
Well, now there’s an alternative, Ask The NOOB.
Post or PM your questions, queries, ponderings, and deep poignant soul-searching mysteries and have them answered by a V0- gym climber with no tan and eerily suspect hygiene. Ask the NOOB has been providing inane and potentially dangerous advice to local climbers for…weeks…some of which has actually been taken seriously until inevitably proven to be claptrap, bunkum, or just plain tomfoolery. Just ask our satisfied customer:
GymPimp634: “Word, Yo, Ask the NOOB is the bomber tweaky shiznit. I was once a pathetic gumby with no beanie and green rental shoes. Ask the NOOB hipped me to the secret training techniques used by 5.14b climbers and…Ninjas…and as soon as I get out of the hospital, I’m going to totally hike that 5.8- at the gym. Rad!”
Act now, and potentially receive an autographed Ask The NOOB photo (please request police mugshot, embarrassing high school yearbook photo, or disturbing crayon self-portrait) for your stalking and/or voodoo ritual pleasure.
Allez! Homard!
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taualum23
Dec 31, 2004, 2:28 PM
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Awesome!
nOOb: I was wondering which shoes I should get for tradding. I dont trad yet, only freeclimb and want to try using the chalks and slings and pitons. I am an intermediate climber, and have a lot of experience (only in the gym so far) but I want to try outdoors, too, becasue that type of climbg is interesting to me. Oh, I can climb 5.7 in the gym, so whhat shoudl I do to train for 5.13?
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subtle
Dec 31, 2004, 3:21 PM
Post #3 of 977
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In reply to: Awesome! nOOb: I was wondering which shoes I should get for tradding. I dont trad yet, only freeclimb and want to try using the chalks and slings and pitons. I am an intermediate climber, and have a lot of experience (only in the gym so far) but I want to try outdoors, too, becasue that type of climbg is interesting to me. Oh, I can climb 5.7 in the gym, so whhat shoudl I do to train for 5.13?
taualum, I'm glad you asked. Transitioning from 5.7 to 5.13 is pretty straightforward, and you've already grasped the key principle...buying gear. A pair of $165 shoes with 40 degree downturned toes sized about, oh, 7-9 sizes smaller than your street shoes should do the trick. Slap those suckers on, walk painfully on tip-toes to the proj, and get your send on.
I've already posted at length on how to be a great Trad climber, but to recap: The key, once again, is gear...and Ham sandwiches. Get yourself about $9000 worth of titanium octo-cam nut-pitons and then jam the whole wad of them into the first good looking placement you see. Then just run out the rest of it, stopping occasionally for a sandwich. This will save you time clipping pro, keep your energy level up, and make people call you "dangerous" and possibly "insane"...which I believe are intended as compliments.
Allez, Homard!
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taualum23
Dec 31, 2004, 3:26 PM
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Thanks, nOOb!! I have placed my order on www.sIcpROj.com for some boulder-killer9000 shoes and 3.1 gram quickdraws for sportclimbing, and www.sportosaintschyt.com for all kinds of fancy trad gizmos. I maxed out three credit cards (its OK, they were my mom's) but now I'm sure to send! I am going to try this stuff out on the boulders near my house, then I am goign to fly to Mt. Yosemtie that everybody's always talking about and do some sick stuff. There's a lot of good sport climbing there, right?
Oh yeah...I have a problem. I don't eat ham. Is Pb&J an acceptable substitue, or am I doomed to never be a 'real' climber like you?
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tuna
Dec 31, 2004, 4:47 PM
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Tofu and Jam or you could eat spam out of a can like a real hard core trad man
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subtle
Dec 31, 2004, 6:10 PM
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Food considerations are significant, almost as important as choosing the right kind of chalk.
Empirical observation has shown an inverse relationship between sensibility and prodigious sloper pimp hand. I eat a balanced diet and count every calorie and can barely pull off the ground with a strong tailwind. I regularly climb with a woman who lives on yoga, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and snickerdoodle cookies and has been known to crank V6 while calling me a 'Little Beeatch'...whatever that means. Another friend consumes only tobacco, egg whites and ketchup and is pushing V10. The obvious conclusion is that if you can find a way to survive on helium, serial masturbation and relish packets stolen from McDonalds....there's probably a climbing movie in your future.
Make sure they get your good side, bro.
Allez, eh? Homard.
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jakedatc
Dec 31, 2004, 6:24 PM
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In reply to: I regularly climb with a woman who lives on yoga, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and snickerdoodle cookies and has been known to crank V6
Dear nOOb:
I am wondering the best way to capture video of my super hard sends so that my friends will not call bullshit... however.. they are correct it is bullshit and i am really dabbing more than a french freeing trad climber. Should i use a tripod and set up my camera with an ideal angle to be later used with dramatic hip hop music , purchase a chest mounted camera a la Blair Woods Project or just send my problems one handed and film with the other (which would allow for great up close crimp shots and desperate slopering)
your services are a vast improvment
Dubai da?
Spurtweenie
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taualum23
Dec 31, 2004, 6:28 PM
Post #8 of 977
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In reply to: obvious conclusion is that if you can find a way to survive on helium, serial masturbation and relish packets stolen from McDonalds....there's probably a climbing movie in your future. Make sure they get your good side, bro. Allez, eh? Homard.
Ah, I see. I will try it this weekend. My older brother has some stuff that I think is like helium, called whippets, and I will masturbate while eating my cereal tomorrow morning, after breathing some of it in. I can get some relish from the hot-dog vendor that my sister is engaged to.
Then my friend Mikey can video-tape me climbing, maybe people will buy it. I put up a sik V-10 (At least! , I'm not sure, though I have never climbed more than a gym v2...but this is at least 5 timers as hard!) on the under-side of the bleachers in the high-school, do you wear a helmet bouldering, or only tradding?
I'm so glad I found a mentor like you to show me the ropes (haHa...ropes, get it? Like the ones we use in rockclimbing!) It's much better to learn over the internet than outside. It gets cold outside sometimes. Oh, and when it's not cold, it can get buggy. I hate bugs.
Do you like the figure-of-eitght knot? It's OK, but can be hard to take out if I fall alot (like on the wall at the gym where it goes all almost upside down, I HATE that one, don't you?)
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pt
Dec 31, 2004, 6:34 PM
Post #9 of 977
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Why, why don't I have the rate button today! :D
And while I'm here I do have a question for the n00b;
I'm still confused about this whole aid climbing thing. How do you get a red-point of an aid route? And I've been working on my power with some bouldering; I can send some sick problems - do you think I'm ready to project an A5 on elcap?
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chalkfree
Dec 31, 2004, 6:36 PM
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The only filming style acceptable must be the one handed climb, but you're not a real hardman until you can film with one hand and place your titanium gear in unreal placements whilst trusting your footing only to the fact that you're standing on the shoulders of your belayer. Also the food question has a simple answer, every desperate story of excellence involves starvation, so you must simply forgo eating and live off of the vibes obtained from the rock. This is of course the way real climbers do it.
Thanks Ask A n00b!!!!111
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angry
Dec 31, 2004, 7:12 PM
Post #11 of 977
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Dear n00b
I am an advanced climber, I have climbed 2 routes that are marked advanced (not to the top but mostly). I want to be strong because strongness is totally sweet. There are lots of guys that lead climb. I think this is scary. I lead climb too, because I am totally insane. Once I got on the red route and I almost onsighted it, but I fell a lot on toprope. I decided to onsight it it later and it got changed before I could. Do you like Zorro? Zorro is like a ninja with a sword. I went outdoor climbing once. Who do they think they are kidding. I had to walk for TEN MINUTES, and there were only 5 routes. There was a 5.7+, it was almost unclimbable. There were a few routes that were harder, I don't think anyone can actually climb that hard. I think someone wrapped down those routes and spread chalk around to fool me.
I hear Tommy Caldwell put his finger through a bolt hanger and fell, and it got ripped off. Do you think that would hurt? I love Chris Sharma, he is so cool, I can't remember hearing about him climbing anything really hard or revolutionary or more than a boulder problem recently, that's what is so cool about him, we all know he's the best anddosent have to climb harder and harder to prove it.
I know this guy who climbed a crack, I think that looks hard.
And finally, would you buy the stone nudes calender or the women of climbing calender, I think this is a very important question.
I love you n00b, (even with my pee-pee)
Bye.
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cam
Dec 31, 2004, 7:21 PM
Post #12 of 977
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Yes, indeed. As stated above, to be a real hard ass trad climber you must invest in a whack of gear. However, this is just the tip of the iceberg...it is absolutely PARAMOUNT that said gear be comprised of many diverse items. Included in these items you must have gear you can use safely but most importantly you must have gear that you don't know how to use at all(safely or otherwise) and gear that you don't even know the name of! Really, I cannot stress this enough.
Next, drag this gear around everywhere you go so that you will be preppared to plug it in at a moments notice knowing that should you have to, you could drop a truck on every placement because you read that blurb in Climbing Magazine's Tech Tips section. The first benefit of draging your rack everywhere should be obvious... that the gear will show signs of wear consistant with a hard ass tradster and secondly people must SEE YOU WITH TRAD GEAR. This is key! If no one see's you with trad gear they will just call buls*@t as soon as you open your mouth about anything trad-esgue. When you go to the gym (where all trad daddies train) remember to clip gear to your harness gear loops and make sure that it will flap around wildly when you dog up that soft 5.6.
Now I know what you're thinking, "ohh I'll use my #5 camalot and #4 Bro with a few small nuts and a figure 8 for noise".
WRONG!
With most aspects of trad, bigger is usually better however in this case, less IS more. Since you have limited space for this you must optimise your gear choices for the situation. This means SPECIALIZED GEAR. Yes, one or two of the smallest Aliens and ball nuts along with a Petzl folding knife and ONE cordelett. Hear me? ONE CORDELETT!
Any traddy worth their salt should be able to rescue their whole team from the tea room of Satan himself using ONLY one cordelett and ONE bentgate binner. As for the figure 8, anyone who knows anything will spot that 8 a mile away and you'll be labeled a poser for life. NEVER wear a figure 8. A carabiner brake and a hip belay are all that should EVER be required while belaying trad or rapelling. You don't need to know what these terms mean, just know when to use them. If you screw this part up you might as well just stay at the gym and supervise birthday groups because your trad days will be over before they start.
Now, what I'm about to tell you may seem confusing and maybe a little shocking but the following is THE paradox of trad climbing.
Although there are scads of different gizmos and widgets available to the hardcore trad climber and it is requisite to have the biggest gear rack you can afford (by "afford" I am referring to that grey area between serious debt and bankruptcy) the truly hardcore yo-trad-e-mite knows that there is no situation (real or imagined) which cannot be solved, with style and grace, using good old fashioned nuts. That's right...nuts. You will never need anything other than a set of nuts. Make that two sets of nuts so you can stack if need be. If you EVER think that you need something bigger than two stacked #13 stoppers, you are not paying attention and you deserve to take the whipper. Again you don't need to know what the terms "stack" "whipper" or "stopper" mean, just know when to use them.
So when buying gear you should not be afraid to double or tripple up on everything and when you find that lone #7 Tricam in the clearence bin for the love of god, buy it man. You never know when you will find the perfect placement for that piece and if you had brought it with you would be perfect for that placement. Of course you must leave it at home because why? Correct, you will never need anything bigger than two stacked #13 stoppers. However owning the #7 Tricam means that IF you had brought it along, you could have used that outrageously large pocket. This is the stuff that pub stories are MADE of people, pay attention here.
So in a nutshell, read the bold text again.
Happy tradding and everything I have said here is a lie accept for the Satans tea room thing, that's true.
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subtle
Dec 31, 2004, 7:36 PM
Post #13 of 977
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In reply to: Dear nOOb: I am wondering the best way to capture video of my super hard sends so that my friends will not call s---... however.. they are correct it is s--- and i am really dabbing more than a french freeing trad climber. Should i use a tripod and set up my camera with an ideal angle to be later used with dramatic hip hop music , purchase a chest mounted camera a la Blair Woods Project or just send my problems one handed and film with the other (which would allow for great up close crimp shots and desperate slopering)
I am glad that you have brought up this hugely important issue. Since no true climbing partner will ever believe you cruised their proj...even if they were spotting you during the send...video evidence that will later be scrutinized closer than the Zapruder film is a must. Fortunately for you, there are a number of extremely workable options:
1. The Zen Master approach. Dab all you want! Fix some gear, use a stepladder, and have some buddies hoist you to the finish jug with a block and tackle...then, in a dreamy voice-over, quote eastern philosophy and say things like "The inner journey I experienced while sending HoSlappa Sit Start was so intense and trancendant I wasn't even aware of my body"...which is particulary good when what your body was actually doing was kicking over your chalk pot and screaming profanity. Fade to black with you meditating on top of the boulder. Maybe a bird lands on you, or something, 'cause you're all in synch with nature.
2. The Gritty Realist approach. Film all 574 attempts, then cut inbetween them really fast to a soundtrack of upbeat techno. Intersperse with shots of you re-taping your bloody digits and hoovering 5 Red Bulls for the sugar rush. Just as the music peaks, splice in the 575th attempt where you actually pull off the ground before exploding off the start holds in a spray of chalk, blood, tape, more blood and profanity. Fade to black with a voice over of you saying "Next season...next season..."
3. The Big-Budget approach. Hire George Lucas to create a digitally rendered version of you, which can be made to realistically simulate you climbing any proj, anywhere. Save money by using a slightly modified Jar-Jar Binks prototype, which means your buddies will have to buy that you have very long ears, are purple, and say things like "Meesa gonna send deees V1+ righta waya!"...which may or may not work. Fade to black over a lightsaber battle between you and Jason Kehl. You win, natch.
Allez! May the Homard be With You!
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danpayne
Dec 31, 2004, 7:48 PM
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Dear N00b,
Is a Grigri an acceptable substitute for complete incompetence?
and why doesn't SpellCheck work?
Big fan,
Dan
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scrappydoo
Dec 31, 2004, 7:56 PM
Post #15 of 977
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Hey n00b:
I was wondering... which climbing shoes should I buy? Does the Anasazi symbol on those shoes REALLY help me climb a whole grade higher? Should I just get the shoes that Sharma wears? Which are cooler, lace-ups or velcro slippers?
Also, now that I have toproped that red-taped route in the gym (only falling twice), I can proudly identify myself to others at party's and out at the bars as a climber, right?
Oh, yeah, one last thing-- I've heard some people talk about "pitches" and "anchors"-- they can't be talking about climbing, since I'm a climber and I'd know, so what are they talking about?
thanks,
Sly
*sorry, i just had to bring up the shoe question :deadhorse: *
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subtle
Dec 31, 2004, 8:07 PM
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In reply to: And finally, would you buy the stone nudes calender or the women of climbing calender, I think this is a very important question.
I would tend to agree that this is a very important question, for the following reason...if you rule out the bra section of the Sears weekly sales flyer (pilfered from the mail at mom's house), those two calendars are about the only way your average socially inept male boulderer is going to even see a woman. I mean...let's face the facts...19 year old guy, no tan, 5'11" and 104lbs, hair all freaked out under a beanie of some sort, lives in the dirt under a boulder, speaks pidgin english, covered in chalk, blood and tape, main life goal is to go from V6 to V7...SEXY, SEXY, SEXY, eh!
J. Lo, get him, he's right over there!
So, errrrr, buy 'em both, bro. Then get some helium and a few relish packets, and you're good.
In reply to: I love you n00b, (even with my pee-pee)
Ummm, yeah...Thanks?
Allez? Homard?
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subtle
Dec 31, 2004, 8:15 PM
Post #17 of 977
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In reply to: Dear N00b, Is a Grigri an acceptable substitute for complete incompetence?
There is no substitute for complete incompetence. It's all those smart people who know stuff that get killed off tragically. I mean, look around your crag/gym/living room...chances are someone is currently belaying while sitting down and eating a ham sandwich with their brake hand while someone else's spotter is checking out a member of the opposite sex while their climber is dynoing to a loose hold on a highball problem over a pit of broken glass...and all of these people are going to be just fine.
Look out for the person double-checking their knot, though. Poor guy. He's a goner...
...I'll miss him.
(sniffle,sniffle) Allez! (weep, weep) Homard!
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discolegsyndrome
Dec 31, 2004, 8:16 PM
Post #18 of 977
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Dear N00b,
While ice climbing.. do i have to use those sharp pointy thingies?
I mean they look cool and all but wouldn't it be cooler, hence better, to just put in some cams? Maybe those #5 Caramels I keep hearing about?
Merci
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subtle
Dec 31, 2004, 8:44 PM
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In reply to: I'm still confused about this whole aid climbing thing. How do you get a red-point of an aid route? And I've been working on my power with some bouldering; I can send some sick problems - do you think I'm ready to project an A5 on elcap?
I don't know why you'd want to redpoint an aid route...that's just borrowing a sport climbing term and mis-applying it. Unless you were planning on doing that aid route in 1980s vintage spandex, wearing 5.10 Dragons and pausing to shake out and apply extra mousse...I don't see it...although now that I've described it...I'm having trouble not seeing it. Gross.
No, my friend, you need entirely new obscure terminology. Since many of the cool colors are already taken, I'd suggest going with something like...fruits? Like so:
"Man, did you hear, pt totally Mango Pointed that route on El Cap! He and his team were trying for the Kiwi Point, but they had to hang on some gear when they blew out an aider and they had to bivy for two weeks in an ice cave and eat the belayer to stay alive. What a gnarly route..."
Congratulations, champ. We're all proud of you. Except your belayer, of course. He's kinda pissed about the whole thing...
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Dec 31, 2004, 9:15 PM
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In reply to: Which are cooler, lace-ups or velcro slippers?
Slippers of any sort are very cool, as long as you know how to use them.
The first step is carrying about nine pair around on some sort of a 'biner attached to your 20 gallon chalk pot. Then you can roll up to the proj and, like a golfer trying to decide between a hard wedge or an easy 9 iron, figure out if this particular V1- will require the new Venoms or the scuffed-in V10s. You should consider the humidity, the wind conditions, and what the hot member of the opposite sex working the problem is wearing. Crucial. For super-styley points, mix and match one of each. Beware, though, you have to send in mixed shoes, or it's serious loss of karma.
Once you've chosen your weapons, spend about 1/2 an hour unhooking them from the other 8 pair. Then, you put them on.
This ...is why you buy slippers. So you can sit under your V1- (next to the V11 Uber-Proj...and...yeah...you're mostly sitting under the V11) and spend about an hour putting on your shoes. Relish the horrible sucking sounds as you jam your mutilated toes into something smaller than the baby shoes you wore at 6 months old. Savor the horror on the faces of the other climbers as you hobble over to the proj, put a foot on the first chip and scream in agony. Then, make your usual half-assed attempt and nonchalantly saunter back under the V11, sit down, and yank those bastards off before gangrene sets in.
Then, you turn to the object of your desire next to you and say...
"These are a little loose around the heel...I think I need to go down a size"
Allez! (ow) Homard! (ow)
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phillygoat
Dec 31, 2004, 9:29 PM
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Hey nOOb-
I'm a solid V3 bolderer(except for that stoopid blue problem) and go to the gym like everyday and was cranking on this sick V5(almost sent) I campused to a pocket and my forearm made a sound like a flexi -straw expanding which didnt hhurt right away but now when I grab a pocket sharp VERY painful pain shoots up my arm but only when I grab pockets should I still climb? or climb but dont do pockets? how could i tape so no pain? cause it seems ok cept when climbing thanks for replys peace out 8^) :P :twisted: :wink: :?: :!: :o :D :P
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jakedatc
Dec 31, 2004, 9:41 PM
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In reply to: For super-styley points, mix and match one of each. Beware, though, you have to send in mixed shoes, or it's serious loss of karma.
Hey.. if it's good enough for the great Zebediah Engberg.. it's good enough for me dammit! :wink:
The key is to not cross contaminate the sportivas.. with the 5.10's.. and the red chili's should NEVVVVAR be combined with mad rocks.. could you imagine what would happen :shock: i don't think you want to find out
and remember.. you cant make all the sponsors happy all the time
a few tips on mismatching shoes..
1. Anasazi velcros. cannot heel hook.. they get pulled off faster than that cheerleader's dress after the prom..
2. Mismatching on slab is just silly.. well climbing slab is silly so i guess this is redundant.. friend dont let friends climb slab
3. Even though you love the attention of people saying "oooo i've never seen anyone with those shoes before!" Boreals should be avoided at all costs.. even though they made some of the originals shoes they seem to also still use that original rubber.. it will not help you in your mismatched quest for shoe supremecy
4. matching old and previous models may be acceptable in europe and some parts of canada but ask your self, SELF!? what do you hope to gain by wearing cobras and venoms.. or mocosymns and anasazi slippers
i hope these simple tips will allow people to mismatch confidently and get mad props for their send
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iclimbtoo
Dec 31, 2004, 9:47 PM
Post #23 of 977
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Oh my God! This is awesome! I have never laughed so hard in my life...subtle, you are one hell of a writer. If you wrote books, I'd buy them!
:lol: :lol: :lol:
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subtle
Dec 31, 2004, 10:06 PM
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In reply to: Hey nOOb- I'm a solid V3 bolderer(except for that stoopid blue problem) and go to the gym like everyday and was cranking on this sick V5(almost sent) I campused to a pocket and my forearm made a sound like a flexi -straw expanding which didnt hhurt right away but now when I grab a pocket sharp VERY painful pain shoots up my arm but only when I grab pockets should I still climb? or climb but dont do pockets? how could i tape so no pain? cause it seems ok cept when climbing thanks for replys peace out 8^) :P :twisted: :wink: :?: :!: :o :D :P
Well, phillygoat, I'm no doctor, but based on what I've seen in the climbing community, you're (maybe? not?) doing exactly the right things. All of that foofery about Rest and Rehabilitation and Recuperation is a bunch of 'science' mumbo-jumbo...you may as well go see a Witch Doctor and get bled with leeches. I suspect that the pain in your arm is just some additional tendonoids or ligimentals or...bones...growing. It's very likely that you are transforming into some sort of quasi-human evil climbing monster, hopefully with abundant Super Powers and some sort of hook or claw for a hand. Sweet! When it comes time for you to start sucking out brains to feed your insatiable need for midichlorians, though...remember...
Friend! Subtle Friend! Subtle brain taste very, very bad! Bad Brain!
Regarding your injury, is one of your arms twice as long as the other? If so, that'll totally help on reachy problems. Like, it's V7, but for spaghetti-arm over here, it's V3-.
Allez. (snap!) Homard.
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dirtineye
Jan 1, 2005, 1:40 AM
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Posts: 5590
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Dear N00b,
I am thankful for your extremely useful words of N00bdom. It is about time somone of your august status came along to answer the burning questions of today's climber.
My question is, how do you get a N00b to listen to good advice?
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cyanamid
Jan 1, 2005, 1:53 AM
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In reply to: ...you may as well go see a Witch Doctor and get bled with leeches. I suspect that the pain in your arm is just some additional tendonoids or ligimentals or...bones...growing. It's very likely that you are transforming into some sort of quasi-human evil climbing monster,
:lol: :tinfoilhat: :lol:
I hate when I grow new ligamentals, the stretch marks are a real pain in the ass.
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akclimber
Jan 1, 2005, 12:33 PM
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dear n00b,
i have a rope, harness, and a growing rack of 3 quickdraws
i see a chain type thing, but how do i get the rope up there?
thanks n00b
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justthemaid
Jan 2, 2005, 7:07 PM
Post #28 of 977
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Dear nOOb. Where are you? I think I'm in love. I went by your afforementioned boulder, but there was a bum sleeping in your spot. You make my internet life worth living. Please come back.
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powen
Jan 2, 2005, 7:37 PM
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Dear N00B:
I am currently a 5.6 climber, and I have been climbing for three years. I have been doing lots of laps in the gym, I climb four days a week for two to three hours at a time. I have A LOT of quickdraws. I eat well, I don't smoke or drink either.
I only have one problem: I cannot seem to break into the next level. How long did it take you to reach the 5.7 level of climbing? Why can't I consistenly send this grade in my gym? I have done everything possible to improve, but this grade just seems so elusive!
Can anyone recommend specific training techniques, books, movies, taping configurations, underwear, ninja schools etc. etc. to help me redpoint a 5.7???
*Specifically, I need help on the red route. So any information about the red route would be appreciated. Thanks for any replies!
Sincerely,
Ledouche Bagwell
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irockclimbtoo
Jan 2, 2005, 8:30 PM
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ab
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itakealot
Jan 2, 2005, 8:44 PM
Post #31 of 977
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Dear nOOb,
"Should I drink low carb beer?"
"How can I reach nirvana?"
"Will brand "A" give me cleaner teeth than brand "B"?
Your wisdom please.
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johnson6102002
Jan 2, 2005, 9:09 PM
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dear noob,
what is this slacklining thing i keep hearing about? i have a home depot rope that i use for top roping 15 feet slabs in my back yard would that work for use as a slackline and how do u walk it can i use a big pole like them tight ropers in the circus ooo and i almost forgot how tight should it be and how do u get it tight?
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powen
Jan 2, 2005, 9:16 PM
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In reply to: dear noob, what is this slacklining thing i keep hearing about? i have a home depot rope that i use for top roping 15 feet slabs in my back yard would that work for use as a slackline and how do u walk it can i use a big pole like them tight ropers in the circus ooo and i almost forgot how tight should it be and how do u get it tight?
You started a little shaky by using the question mark, but you finished strong with a nice consistent run-on sentence... Good reference to using a national chain's common household goods for equipment. I liked the intentional use of poor grammar and the use of "tight ropers" However...
Final decision:
Excessve use of punctuation for a newbie... 10 yards of penalty slack, repeat first down.
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johnson6102002
Jan 2, 2005, 9:40 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: dear noob, what is this slacklining thing i keep hearing about? i have a home depot rope that i use for top roping 15 feet slabs in my back yard would that work for use as a slackline and how do u walk it can i use a big pole like them tight ropers in the circus ooo and i almost forgot how tight should it be and how do u get it tight? You started a little shaky by using the question mark, but you finished strong with a nice consistent run-on sentence... Good reference to using a national chains common household goods for equipment. I liked the intentional use of poor grammar and the use of "tight ropers" However... Final decision: Excessve use of punctuation for a newbie... 10 yards of penalty slack, repeat first down.
ohh and if the noob gets a chance maybe he can answer the question someone once had about wearing footballpads when slacking is that a good idea so i dont get hurt?
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subtle
Jan 2, 2005, 9:55 PM
Post #35 of 977
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In reply to: dear noob, what is this slacklining thing i keep hearing about? i have a home depot rope that i use for top roping 15 feet slabs in my back yard would that work for use as a slackline and how do u walk it can i use a big pole like them tight ropers in the circus ooo and i almost forgot how tight should it be and how do u get it tight?
Let's see, you have a number of questions here...and apparently you also have a 15 foot slab...in your...back yard? Ummmm.
Slackline Nation is a breakaway splinter cell of...sheesh, here's comes a missapplied term 'athletes'...that couldn't handle the stress and strain of the high-pressure bouldering lifestyle. They're like the Kazakstan or Uzbekistan of boulderers...only instead of rolling in the tanks, the boulderers just go back to sleep on their crashpads under the proj. Slackliners are principally concerned with setting up a piece of webbing between any two objects...trees, cars, fat people, shopping carts, whatever...then staring at it for an hour...then fiddling with it...then staring at it...then getting on and falling off instantly...then giving up and playing hackey sack.
There are no real rules. Use a big pole, a little pole, a couple of burning tiki torches...knock yourself out. In fact, that's pretty much the goal, to knock yourself out. If you fell off after executing a triple lindy and broke both your legs while setting yourself and one of your anchor shrubs on fire with a tiki torch...you'd be a Slacklining God.
All Hail johnson6102002!
Allez. (Twang! Aiiiiiie, my leg!) Homard.
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johnson6102002
Jan 2, 2005, 10:57 PM
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In reply to: If you fell off after executing a triple lindy and broke both your legs while setting yourself and one of your anchor shrubs on fire with a tiki torch...you'd be a Slacklining God. All Hail johnson6102002!
:shock: well i only broke one but it was in 4 places doin a single front flip off but no tiki torch so i geuss that just makes me unfortounate / stupid
and yes all hail me
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subtle
Jan 2, 2005, 11:36 PM
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In reply to: Dear N00b, While ice climbing.. do i have to use those sharp pointy thingies?
Have to? HAVE to? Man, that's the REASON to go ice climbing! Don't believe me? Let's examine some other possible motivations:
- I totally dig the 3 hour hike in.
- Nothing feels as good on my frostbite as a waterfall of frozen slush.
- The fourth or fifth giant chunk of ice glancing off your helmet really wakes you up and helps you focus.
- I almost died twice...on my warmup route...what a cakewalk!
- Being in the pristine wilderness really makes me feel in synch with nature...just like fighting wolves for my beef jerkey.
Hmmm, pretty unlikely, no?
Basically, if you aren't currently down in your basement with a file and a headlamp trying to somehow hone your tools past razor sharp while softly cooing "My precious...yessss...my preciooouusss"...you might not be ice climber material. Your only hope is to embrace your inner hedgehog and pincushion up, my brother. Just don't, y'know, poke yourself too much.
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 3, 2005, 2:10 AM
Post #38 of 977
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In reply to: Can anyone recommend specific training techniques, books, movies, taping configurations, underwear, ninja schools etc. etc. to help me redpoint a 5.7???
As Master Yoda would say, "Answer your own question you do, young Jedi". The key to sending your 5.7 proj...and indeed all climbing sucess...lies in embracing your inner Ninja. Allow me to explain, grasshopper.
A close examination of Ninja films reveals most of the skills present in the major climbing disciplines. The ability to cling improbably to horizontal surfaces, then fall suddenly with a blood curdling and/or creepy scream...Bouldering, obviously. Mastery of exotic weapon-like hooks, chains, swingy-sticks and whatnot...aid climbing, right? A tendency to over-coordinate their outfits and a desire to hide their faces when spotted by normal people...Sport Climbers, naturally. There is only one discipline missing...
There is absolutely no Ninja in Trad climbing. None at all. Scientists have yet to explain this phenomenon, other than to speculate that perhaps Ninjas have some sort of natural hatred for Ham.
Anyway, I'd suggest you get yourself some split-toed climbing shoes and maybe some grappling hooks and assault that red route. You might want to pick up some of that blinding powder (tell people it's chalk), so if you grease off the start holds, you can disappear in a cloud of smoke and run out of the building.
Ninja-riffic!
Allez. Homard.
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discolegsyndrome
Jan 3, 2005, 2:36 AM
Post #39 of 977
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In reply to: Basically, if you aren't currently down in your basement with a file and a headlamp trying to somehow hone your tools past razor sharp while softly cooing "My precious...yessss...my preciooouusss"
Aye, oh great n00b. I heed to your expertestest advice.
I shall go in search of the rat tail and sharpen those bad boys now :twisted:
Many thousand pounds of beef for your wisom and guidence.
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jakedatc
Jan 3, 2005, 2:40 AM
Post #40 of 977
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powen wrote:
In reply to: Can anyone recommend specific training techniques, books, movies, taping configurations, underwear, ninja schools etc. etc. to help me redpoint a 5.7???
Master nOOb your words are wise but i may have another idea for powen..
instead of attempting to redpoint 5.7.. you could perhaps admit defeat and embrace trad climbing, buy hundreds of dollars worth of gear to sew up every 5.6 across the globe and never be above a piece of pro.
Remember this will take a lot of gear but you are also not looking to push the grades.. this is not the Trad way.. you are rather searching for every climb that you will not fall off of and fiddle with the newest and shiniest of metal doohickys and thingerwhatsis.
in your favor is that you will save money for your gear by not needing fancy painful downturned shoes, sponsor covered clothing, super light quickdraws, cushy bouldering pads or even chalk. you should however invest in large amounts of tape (this is due to the SERENE principle, trad climbers back everything up.. including tendons.. if one of those babies go you want some tape keeping things from failing)
then comes the ham sandwiches... you may be wondering if this is due to the newest fad of low carb Fatkins dieting... absolutely!! if you are not going to make yourself famous by pushing high grades then you must have an EPIC! With epics come book deals, movies, speeches at small unknown college graduations, and perhaps a 3 sentence blurb in Rock and Ice which will be partially covered by one of Sharma's 5.10 ads.. sorry. Anyway, to properly epic you must have a chronic health problem that will put the odds of you escaping well out of your favor. High cholesterol and a need for a quadrouple bipass in a major way will suffice. Nothing quite like 5.6 trad, bad weather, high altitude and heart disease to create quite the epic to be shared with the world.
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subtle
Jan 3, 2005, 1:40 PM
Post #41 of 977
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In reply to: My question is, how do you get a N00b to listen to good advice?
This is probably more of a Zen Koan, a poem or un-answerable riddle to be pondered while meditating to allow deeper contemplation of the infinite, than a question. I shall, therefore, respond in kind:
What is the sound of one Noob clapping?
...errrr...
If a Noob falls alone at the crag, does anyone hear it?
...hmmm...
How much spray would a spraylord spray if a spraylord could spray spray?
Ah, nirvana. I see it clearly now...
Allez. Homard.
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dlintz
Jan 3, 2005, 2:27 PM
Post #42 of 977
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Posts: 1982
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Dear nOOb,
i need some help with my new real outside rockclimbing gear that i bought with my christmas money (thanks aunt Edna you are AWESOME!! :D 8^) :D ). okay, i could only afford 6 slings (metolius, so AWESOME :D :D ) and 12 biners (metolius, so also AWESOME!! :D :!: :)
so here's my question, do i clip the rope to the padded side or to one of those little loop thingys. i think that maybe the rope should be clipped to the padded part of the sling to protect it better. am i right? thanks you are so AWESOME!!! :D 8^) :) :!:
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subtle
Jan 3, 2005, 3:59 PM
Post #43 of 977
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In reply to: so here's my question, do i clip the rope to the padded side or to one of those little loop thingys.
Ok, after deciphering your malestrom of smileys and high-level technical terms...like 'thingy'...it seems like you face a pretty common conundrum for the beginning climber: Gear Allocation. Fortunately, there is a simple answer.
You're going to need one 'biner for your keys, one for your shoes, one to clip your chalk bag to your harness, two to make a hangdog sling for when you're 'working the proj', two on your harness as bail 'biners for when you just can't finish that 5.7+, one to clip your crashpad shut, and one each to clip your chalk bag, shoes and harness to your crashpad.
This leaves you with one 'biner and six slings. You will almost certainly lose the lone 'biner on the way to the crag, since it isn't clipped to something for safekeeping. The most logical thing to do is therefore tie your slings to the bolt with some sort of salty-dog type sailor knot, then kinda pass the rope through them on the way up. Hopefully, you had the foresight to get 4 foot long slings, so then you can just crawl through them. If you get tired, just sit in there for a while and...presto...you're an aid climber. I bet you didn't know you were that cool, eh?
Allez. Homard.
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dingus
Jan 3, 2005, 4:22 PM
Post #44 of 977
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Noob I'm stuck at 10b. What is the fastest way to 5.13?
And please don't flame me. I am very insecure.
DMT
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subtle
Jan 3, 2005, 6:49 PM
Post #45 of 977
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In reply to: Noob I'm stuck at 10b. What is the fastest way to 5.13?
The fastest way is probably to change the '0b' in your post to a '3'. This also works in guidebooks, topos, resumes, college transcripts and occasionally...if you think to bring along the right color Sharpie magic marker...the starting tape on any given gym route. Just last week I made the 4th ascent of Chris Sharma's 5.15a testpiece Realization, which just happened to be in my local gym masquerading as a 5.8- top-roped jug haul.
My sponsors are going to be so happy, I tell you...
Allez (edit, edit) Homard.
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dirtineye
Jan 3, 2005, 7:15 PM
Post #46 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: My question is, how do you get a N00b to listen to good advice? This is probably more of a Zen Koan, a poem or un-answerable riddle to be pondered while meditating to allow deeper contemplation of the infinite, than a question. I shall, therefore, respond in kind: What is the sound of one Noob clapping? ...errrr... If a Noob falls alone at the crag, does anyone hear it? ...hmmm... How much spray would a spraylord spray if a spraylord could spray spray? Ah, nirvana. I see it clearly now... Allez. Homard.
Truly thou art wise beyond wisdom, oh great Ask the N00b. I am now enlightned, and shall go forth and seek the holy homard.
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subtle
Jan 4, 2005, 1:46 PM
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In reply to: "Will brand "A" give me cleaner teeth than brand "B"?
Ummm...uhhhh...I'm a boulderer, ok...which is probably the last kind of person you should ever ask about oral hygene. I live under a van and brush my teeth with a stick. The irony of it is, though, I have at least 47 toothbrushes...some for crimpers...some for slopers...some for slightly overhanging welded tiff sloping crimpers...I suppose you could use them on your teeth...
Maybe if Prana starts making toothpaste.
Allez. Homard. Gingivitis.
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subtle
Jan 4, 2005, 8:24 PM
Post #48 of 977
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In reply to: i have a rope, harness, and a growing rack of 3 quickdraws i see a chain type thing, but how do i get the rope up there?
Your simple question masks a hellacious quagmire of indecision and self-doubt...but don't worry, we can sort that right out. Your main problem isn't how anyone could get the rope up there...it's how you get the rope up there. And, as is always the case, the answer lies in your gear.
Go immediately to the nearest purveyor of hideously overpriced climbing accesories, stand in the exact middle of the floor, and feel The Force within you. (If it helps to imagine the salesperson with questionable social skills as Obi Wan Kenobi, work it, brother) A piece of gear may or may not mystically fly off the rack and into your hand, as if summoned by destiny...or outrageous shoplifting skillz.
If it is a quickdraw, you are destined for sport climbing. Get thee to the spandex, hair mousse and 5.10 Dragons and get your send on.
If it is some sort of day-glo spiny stab-master axe-like thing, you were meant for ice climbing. Get some tetanus shots and about 600 hand warmers and recruit a Yeti to belay for you. Ice! Falling! Aiiieee!
If it is a tri-cam, tri-nut, or other assorted tri-widget, then truly you are a Trad climber. Prepare to jug-haul yourself to crag elitist satori...and I hope you like Ham sandwiches.
If it is a beanie, then you are a boulderer. Go buy 100lbs of chalk, break up with your girlfrend, and move to Bishop. Rad, bro! I'll see you at the Spectre boulder...
See? Easy!
Allez. Homard.
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rckymntneer
Jan 4, 2005, 9:50 PM
Post #49 of 977
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Dear Noob,
I read your earlier advise about aid climbing being easy, and you are right!!! I went out and bought a little of everything I could find and hauled it all with me and used it.
But what do I do about my whiny belayer? He top ropes me so I don't fall on my aid climbs and says I'm really heavy with all that cool gear on. His arms get really tired when he holds me up while I pound those peeton things in. Is he just jealous cuz he's not a cool climber? Or is he just a whiner since I dropped one of those big cam thingies on him?
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neutralcypruss
Jan 4, 2005, 10:39 PM
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Hey noob i wuz kinda wondering you know @ the gym they got tape and well i wanted to go outside but all they had was white stuff every where and i couldnt foolow it it was so hard and the holds were all the same color maybe you have some advice....
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iamthewallress
Jan 4, 2005, 11:33 PM
Post #51 of 977
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HI NOOB! :) THX 4 ALL UR TIPS!
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n00b
Jan 5, 2005, 12:26 AM
Post #52 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: My question is, how do you get a N00b to listen to good advice? This is probably more of a Zen Koan, a poem or un-answerable riddle to be pondered while meditating to allow deeper contemplation of the infinite, than a question. I shall, therefore, respond in kind: What is the sound of one Noob clapping? ...errrr... If a Noob falls alone at the crag, does anyone hear it? ...hmmm... How much spray would a spraylord spray if a spraylord could spray spray? Ah, nirvana. I see it clearly now... Allez. Homard. |
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dirtineye
Jan 5, 2005, 12:47 AM
Post #53 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: My question is, how do you get a N00b to listen to good advice? This is probably more of a Zen Koan, a poem or un-answerable riddle to be pondered while meditating to allow deeper contemplation of the infinite, than a question. I shall, therefore, respond in kind: What is the sound of one Noob clapping? ...errrr... If a Noob falls alone at the crag, does anyone hear it? ...hmmm... How much spray would a spraylord spray if a spraylord could spray spray? Ah, nirvana. I see it clearly now... Allez. Homard. You are overcomplicating the solution to the problem, you might confuse people. The easiest solution is to just PM me.
That's not very subtle of you, N00b.
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ginger_ninja
Jan 5, 2005, 12:48 AM
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THIS GUY IS TEH PWN!!!!!11
(NOW WHERE IS THE CAPSLOCK KEY???????OMG LOL)) :) :)
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iclimbtoo
Jan 5, 2005, 1:06 AM
Post #55 of 977
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Dear Ask Noob:
For a long time now I have been trying to fit into the climbing community by my fashionable trends. I have noticed that this had definitely boosted my self confidence while at the same time instilling a sense of awe in those who would watch me.
However, those days are gone. Now I will show up to the gym in my sweet 80's style Devil's Tower cut-off (which I have never been to...shhh) and my green and purple lycra tights, bust out my sick 5.9's and V0 (sometimes even V0+'s!!) and people just snicker! :cry: I will even show up sometimes with cool-aid stains on my "chester" mustache for added effect, but to no avail. I seem to have lost my ability to climb V1, my self esteem, and my trendy climbing appeal.
Please, tell me how I can get back on track!!!???
-Stumped
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subtle
Jan 5, 2005, 6:43 AM
Post #56 of 977
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In reply to: Now I will show up to the gym in my sweet 80's style Devil's Tower cut-off (which I have never been to...shhh) and my green and purple lycra tights, bust out my sick 5.9's and V0 (sometimes even V0+'s!!) and people just snicker! :cry: I will even show up sometimes with cool-aid stains on my "chester" mustache for added effect, but to no avail. I seem to have lost my ability to climb V1, my self esteem, and my trendy climbing appeal. Please, tell me how I can get back on track!!!???
Right about now is when any sensible person would tell you to bulk order some Prana-wear and maybe do some pull-ups...but I am not such a person.
I think the key is to embrace your inner V0 climber...in your case, that's an uber-retro Where Are They Now - David Lee Roth episode kinda V0 climber. Before you protest that you don't want to be a V0 climber, allow me to point out the obvious...everyone is a V0 climber...with the exception of that freak in the corner obsessively manipulating his bulbous forearms between burns campusing the foot chips on the 45 degree overhang...he's a V12 climber. Ignore him, everyone else does. Anyhow...
The key to Total Gym Cool is not merely blowing off the 3rd jug on your V0+ lifetime proj...it's doing it with style. Most people choose the Kehl-scream or some variation thereof to express themselves...but I say...let your spandex do the talking. All those drones with their identical sand colored cargo pants will be emascuated with envy at the orgy of lycra-based panache that is your 37th attempt on Bunny Slope VB-. Talk about letting it all hang out, brother...well...you get the picture.
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 5, 2005, 4:42 PM
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In reply to: i wuz kinda wondering you know @ the gym they got tape and well i wanted to go outside but all they had was white stuff every where and i couldnt foolow it it was so hard and the holds were all the same color maybe you have some advice....
Outside? Have you gone mad? You know better than that. Think back to Apocalypse Now, bro...Never get out of the (boat?) gym.
Ok, here's the truth, on the super-down low (just between you and me, kay?)...outside sucks. Every five minutes some outside zealot gets all glassy-eyed and says something asinine like, "Oooooh, I was pulling onto the headwall of El Cap on a beautiful sunny morning...and an Eagle flew by...and as I gazed over the pristine splendor that is mother earth, I experienced a profound spiritual awakening...blah blah blah"
Liars. Outside climbing trips really go something like this:
Nine near-fatally hung over people cram themselves, five crashpads and two dogs into a 1983 Dodge Omni with a questionable suspension. They forget the food, the topo, the rope, and the bug spray. They veer and vomit their way to what they think is the crag du jour, only to realize that it is, in fact, a coal mine, biohazard site and/or gravel pit. As soon as they step out of the car, a swarm of insects attacks and it starts to rain...probably sideways. They stagger to the base of the 12" underhanging slab, only to find it covered in graffitii, bird poop and poison ivy. After two attempts at the proposed V1- testpiece Choss Avenger, a bear attacks and carries off the spotter and the dog that isn't continually barking and biting. The eight remaining climbers grab the dog and run back to the car in their V10s, which stalls repeatedly before catching on fire 143 miles from home. Long story short...they end up forming their own society in the wilderness and eating Larry for food when winter comes. The usual.
...if it's happened to me once, it's happened to me a dozen times. Learn from my mistakes, stay inside where it's safe. And warm. And there's a soda machine.
Or, you could end up like Larry...
Allez. Anasazi. Homard.
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wright
Jan 5, 2005, 6:13 PM
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Dear Noob,
A few days ago I decided I wanted to go climb outside (after reading your previous response, I now realize how big of a mistake this was.) So, per your advice, I went to the local outdoor sports shop and bought some of everything. You know, if you buy more than a 100 quickdraws, they give you a 10% discount!
Anyway, gear in hand, my buddy and I head up to the local crag, Powder Bluffs. We take a look at this HUGE wall. It was AT LEAST 90 feet tall. Then I look at my gear and realize that since I've got three ropes, this should be a three pitch climb. Boy, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
We head up the wall and after the first pitch we notice its getting dark and decide to set up a hanging tent-thing for the night. As we're getting things set it hits me.... I had a gallon of Starbucks coffee this morning and there's no facilities on the rock!
What's the best plan of attack for taking care of one's business in the middle of a climb?
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sarcat
Jan 5, 2005, 6:41 PM
Post #59 of 977
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Dear n00b:
I want to learn trad but don't like ham sammiches. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Starving
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subtle
Jan 5, 2005, 8:45 PM
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In reply to: I want to learn trad but don't like ham sammiches. What should I do?
Become a sport climber?
Whoa...what a cheap shot. Sorry about that one, brah. On a completely serious note, I think that it might be possible to become a highly productive Trad climber without a deep-seated fondness for Ham Sandwiches...but it sure isn't likely. I don't really think it's the actual ham so much as it is the fact that you're having a mini-picnic mid-route while sitting on a 'foot chip' that counts. If this is the case, then it should be entirely possible for you to become some sort of...Super Trad climber?...by substituting ever more death-defying culinary choices and/or upping the route grade. I have to think that if a Ham Sandy + 5.7 = cool...then...
A Krispy Kreme donut in each hand + 5.8 = Cool.
Two pounds of fudge and a beer + 5.8 = Extra cool.
Sushi (with chopsticks) + 5.9 = Rad, bro!
Lobster claws with melted butter + 5.10 = Get ready for a shoe sponsor.
Remember to tip the belayer 15% if they help you with the wine selection.
Allez. Homard.
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aikibujin
Jan 5, 2005, 9:08 PM
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Dear noob,
I have three questions I'm dying to ask.
1. I do not speak Latin. I was wondering what exactly does "Allez. Homard" mean?
2. I like sushi. I think I can eat sushi while leading trad up to 5.3s... but only using non-pointy chopsticks, the pointy ones are too dangerous. My question is, how do I keep the sushi fresh on hot days with long approaches?
3. I would like to go climbing in China, but I do not know the rock lingo in Chinese. How do I communicate important things like, "TAKE!!!!" and "Dude, where is my sushi?" with my Chinese partner? These are the only phrases I need to know. Everything else is not important.
Thank you.
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bad_lil_kitty
Jan 5, 2005, 9:20 PM
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In reply to: Dear noob, I have three questions I'm dying to ask....snippity doo dah - sorry for taking up so much space
HOLY SHIT HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA - I'll remmeber that this weekend when we go out on the rock!
No joke, aikibujin in fact DOES bring chopsticks to the rock~!
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subtle
Jan 5, 2005, 9:58 PM
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In reply to: I have three questions 1. I do not speak Latin. I was wondering what exactly does "Allez. Homard" mean? 2. My question is, how do I keep the sushi fresh on hot days with long approaches? 3. I would like to go climbing in China, but I do not know the rock lingo in Chinese. How do I communicate important things like, "TAKE!!!!" and "Dude, where is my sushi?" with my Chinese partner?
'Allez' is what French or (more likely) wanna-be French people yell to encourage whoever is currently sucking wind on a route. It probably means "Go!" or "You're off route!" or "You stole my Prana beret, you fromage-eating bastard!". Homard means...ummm, errr...lobster.
Keeping your sushi cold really depends on your style of climbing. If you're a boulderer, it's probably only 40 degrees since you're out early for the rad friction on your sloper proj, bro. If you're an Ice climber...well, you hopefully don't need a PhD for that one. If you're a Trad or Aid climber, you were already hauling 900lbs of gear to the crag for your 5.5+ Multipitch Extravaganza...so what's 2lbs more for a cooler? Slap a 'biner and a Petzl sticker on that bad boy, and claim it's a #24 Super Nut for Mega Offwidths. Someone will try to buy it off you for $50, I gaurantee.
The bond between climber and partner is a deep and spiritual connection. Regardless of nationality or language, your belayer will be able to sense, as if with precognitive ESP, your every move and instinct. Other minor clues will be you hurtling downward toward the ground at a high rate of speed (see: Take! Falling! Aiiiieee!) or digging through your rack for your Ropegun Chopsticks (see: Trad, Sushi).
Go! Lobster!
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bonin_in_the_boneyard
Jan 5, 2005, 11:53 PM
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Wow, homard really does mean lobster!
I have to say that this is my all time favorite thread. Now I too have an important question for the n00b. I know how to use all the equipment from reading the gear use instructions on Petzl's website, and I spend a lot of time in the Community forum so I know how to talk like a climber. My question is more about the international politics of climbing.
What's with the French? I hear a lot of people saying that they're good climbers or something, but others are always bashing them. I can't tell you how many times I've heard it declared that "the French blow". What is the history behind this love-hate relationship?
Please answer this very important question for me. Thank you :D
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subtle
Jan 6, 2005, 2:26 PM
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In reply to: What's with the French? I hear a lot of people saying that they're good climbers or something, but others are always bashing them. I can't tell you how many times I've heard it declared that "the French blow". What is the history behind this love-hate relationship?
Ah...French bashing...the proverbial fish in a barrel topic of the climbing world. Hold on a second, let me stretch out my typing pimp hand...I don't want to blow out an A2 pulley...
The main reason, as I see it, is that French climbers have an annoying habit of travelling 19,736 miles around the world, getting all sorts of passports and learning another language just to come to your local crag and get one move further than you on your project...and hit on your girlfriend. If I had a nickle for every time some spandexed-out croissant-gobbler stuck the crux move of my 5.7+ testpiece, then lowered off and immediately sprinted over to the future Mrs. Subtle and said "Ehhh, mon cherie, I steeeck zees moove for YOU!"...Well, yeah, I totally made that up....but it could happen...if I had a girlfriend...or could climb 5.7+.
This is the other annoying thing...the overwhelming tendency for French climbers to basically be 140lb chain-smoking pasty white people without a perceptible muscle or tendon in their body...and still style your route. Oh, but they still rock the spandex....man, rock the spandex hard. In colors that shouldn't even be possible to create in a lab, let alone wear. If you see some guy that looks like a ball of toothpaste wedged into some freakish nuclear-citrus tights...you, my friend, are in the presence of La France!
Allez! Homard! Bastards!
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pawilkes
Jan 6, 2005, 3:08 PM
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Dear Ask the NOOB,
Is that French thing cultural or genetic? My mom is French Canadian so that makes me almost 50% French, am I going to turn into one of those...what did you call them, tubes of toothpaste??? I don't want to be THAT GUY. Is there any help for me?
Awaiting your response,
Paranoid La French
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jammer
Jan 6, 2005, 3:25 PM
Post #67 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
Where can I get me one of those bolt guns I saw in Cliffhanger??? I really need one because I want to climb anywhere I want and this would allow me to do so. It'll also allow me to climb without a rope, yep, I saw him do it so you can't tell me it can't be done!
Thanks NOOB
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subtle
Jan 6, 2005, 3:34 PM
Post #68 of 977
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In reply to: Is that French thing cultural or genetic? My mom is French Canadian so that makes me almost 50% French, am I going to turn into one of those...what did you call them, tubes of toothpaste??? I don't want to be THAT GUY. Is there any help for me?
Interesting...very interesting. You may, in fact, be the Luke Skywalker of the climbing world...at a dangerous fork in your evolution, with two paths before you...the Light Side of The Force possibly being the righteous life of the hard-man Squamish BC boulderer and the Dark Side being a somewhat more squishy existence as a moussed-out sporto.
I suspect it will come down to one of several things:
1. A lightsaber battle of some sort...rad, bro!
2. Your partner. Would you say that they are more Yoda-esque or Evil Sith Emperor-tastic?
3. Your inner reserves of strength and character. Good luck with that one...better hope for Yoda.
Use the Homard, pawilkes!
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iclimbtoo
Jan 6, 2005, 4:11 PM
Post #69 of 977
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Dear Ask NOOB:
you might remember me from before...the Devil's Tower cut off and lycra tights? Well, I went to the gym in a NEW shirt...an old baby blue Star Wars: A New Hope shirt, the one with Luke in front in his seductive yet inspiring pose. Same tights, same kool-aid stains. It was amazing, I found my inner V0 climber!! I was flashing VB-'s no problem and my V0-'s were coming after only a few short tries.
However, when I was doing a massive pull-up on our slabby bouldering section from two jug footholds to a big juggy right hand, one of those climber-like ninjas walked underneath and caught a peak at my "hairy bagel" belly seeping slyly from underneath my Jedi motif. As they muttered something, I felt all my confidence drain once again.
What I am wondering is would it be alright for me to show back up at the gym with a black Boba Fett shirt and some cheeto stains so I can say something back and maybe strike a bit of intimidation within those who are superior in their skills, but lack the guidence of the force? Thanks NOOB.
Greedo-ed
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viciado
Jan 6, 2005, 4:15 PM
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Handjammer48 wrote>
In reply to: Dear NOOB, Where can I get me one of those bolt guns I saw in Cliffhanger??? I really need one because I want to climb anywhere I want and this would allow me to do so. It'll also allow me to climb without a rope, yep, I saw him do it so you can't tell me it can't be done! Thanks NOOB
Try this: http://hilti.20m.com/index.html
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johnson6102002
Jan 6, 2005, 4:30 PM
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In reply to: Handjammer48 wrote> In reply to: Dear NOOB, Where can I get me one of those bolt guns I saw in Cliffhanger??? I really need one because I want to climb anywhere I want and this would allow me to do so. It'll also allow me to climb without a rope, yep, I saw him do it so you can't tell me it can't be done! Thanks NOOB Try this: http://hilti.20m.com/index.html
wow i didnt think those things or anything like it actually existed pretty cool i geuss
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jammer
Jan 6, 2005, 4:33 PM
Post #72 of 977
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No Shit!!! They actually do exist :shock: , but how well do they hold? Care to take a stab at this one, Dear NOOB?
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subtle
Jan 6, 2005, 4:37 PM
Post #73 of 977
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In reply to: Where can I get me one of those bolt guns I saw in Cliffhanger???
Shhhhhh! Don't give away the secret technology! I mean, someone might actually read this...
Really now, how did you think I managed to put all 431 bolts on my 15 meter testpiece Perfectly Good Crack I'm Ignoring 5.8- in an hour and a half? Likewise the excellent 1-foot spacing between bolts on Run Out Like A Mo-Fo 5.6-. But, if you blab it all over the place that this magical invention exists...some 1970's vintage crowbar-toting chop-crazed desert hard man is going to create...an automatic nuclear subatomic...bolt puller!
Think of what that will mean...we'll all have to buy...Trad Gear! Noooooo!
Allez. Homard.
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bonin_in_the_boneyard
Jan 6, 2005, 4:53 PM
Post #74 of 977
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Holy clip-fest, Batman. Can you say, "New Hotness"?
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jammer
Jan 6, 2005, 4:56 PM
Post #75 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: Where can I get me one of those bolt guns I saw in Cliffhanger??? Shhhhhh! Don't give away the secret technology! I mean, someone might actually read this... Really now, how did you think I managed to put all 431 bolts on my 15 meter testpiece Perfectly Good Crack I'm Ignoring 5.8- in an hour and a half? Likewise the excellent 1-foot spacing between bolts on Run Out Like A Mo-Fo 5.6-. But, if you blab it all over the place that this magical invention exists...some 1970's vintage crowbar-toting chop-crazed desert hard man is going to create...an automatic nuclear subatomic...bolt puller! Think of what that will mean...we'll all have to buy...Trad Gear! Noooooo! Allez. Homard.
ATTENTION READERS: Ignore the response to this question. Hilti was only teasing when they started selling, I mean showing this tool, I mean joke.
Sorry man ... am I forgiven?
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johnson6102002
Jan 6, 2005, 4:59 PM
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In reply to: ATTENTION READERS: Ignore the response to this question. Hilti was only teasing when they started selling, I mean showing this tool, I mean joke. Sorry man ... am I forgiven?
NOOOO your not forgiven!!!!!!!!!!!! :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:
:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:
:evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:
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jammer
Jan 6, 2005, 5:07 PM
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BUT ... BUT ... BUT ... damn, nobody likes me now, I'm going out back and eat a worm.
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johnson6102002
Jan 6, 2005, 5:36 PM
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In reply to: BUT ... BUT ... BUT ... damn, nobody likes me now, I'm going out back and eat a worm.
it better be one of those ones that looks like a snake!!!!!!!!!
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viciado
Jan 6, 2005, 5:50 PM
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In reply to: ATTENTION READERS: Ignore the response to this question. Hilti was only teasing when they started selling, I mean showing this tool, I mean joke. Sorry man ... am I forgiven?
Hey, now. Don't knock it before you buy it and try it. (watch the credit card charges!) Those things are as serious as this thread. I have used the machine quite as often as I have applied all the good advice that has been spread in this topic of discussion!
by the way, hows the jaw now that you have the hook out?
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climboard
Jan 6, 2005, 6:08 PM
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Dear n00b- I heard a rumor from the girlfriend of guy who works at Bob's mountaineering that read in a magazine that Chris Sharma smokes banana peels. I want to be just like Sharma, where can I score some choice peels?
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jammer
Jan 6, 2005, 6:47 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: BUT ... BUT ... BUT ... damn, nobody likes me now, I'm going out back and eat a worm. it better be one of those ones that looks like a snake!!!!!!!!!
You're just a hard man to please! Hell, I'll eat two just for you! Ahhhh, does it have to have eyes? I hate eating things that are watching me ... they have a tendency of leaving images of small teardrops in my mind for when I dream.
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subtle
Jan 6, 2005, 6:48 PM
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In reply to: I heard a rumor from the girlfriend of guy who works at Bob's mountaineering that read in a magazine that Chris Sharma smokes banana peels. I want to be just like Sharma, where can I score some choice peels?
Get with the times, brah. Back in the day, climbers were all about lifestyle and being mellow and in tune with nature and...fruit...I guess. Nowadays, everybody is head-to-toe sponsored and thrutching for dollars on the comp circuit...there'll be plenty of time to chill when you turn 18 and retire...until then, it's all about getting paid. How else am I going to get on MTV's Cribs, yo? Heck, just the other day as I was beta-testing the video game I'm starring in (you navigate in a futuristic wasteland, climb V0- problems and...post things...to RC.com), I got a call from my soft drink sponsor and they were all like, "Hey, what's up with you drinking water on the podium at Crimp Pimps Live Tour 2005"?
Besides, your nutritionist isn't going to like the extra inhaled carbs.
Allez. Cheech. Chong.
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dynosore
Jan 6, 2005, 7:01 PM
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Dear NOOB:
When lowering people with a grigri, I've found that their is too much friction required on my rope hand, so I open my belay biner and make a couple wraps with the loose end of the rope to increase friction. :D Is their an easier way?
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subtle
Jan 6, 2005, 7:20 PM
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In reply to: When lowering people with a grigri, I've found that their is too much friction required on my rope hand, so I open my belay biner and make a couple wraps with the loose end of the rope to increase friction. :D Is their an easier way?
Oh sure, tons. You could go with the ultra-cool belaying glove...either construction, gardening or special purpose. You can cut off the fingertips to be all special forces commando-styley, too...like you might have rapped in off a blacked-out CIA chopper and decided to run a few laps on a 5.8- before toppling a small government.
Not me, though. I use an oven mitt. C'mon, if it can handle a red-hot sheet full of chocolate chip cookies, your weasly 9.8mm cord isn't even going to register. It's also not going to taste as good, though. Bummer. Feeding slack with an oven mitt on takes a little getting used to, though, but your pinch strength will be rad, bro.
Allez. Homard.
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johnson6102002
Jan 6, 2005, 7:20 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: BUT ... BUT ... BUT ... damn, nobody likes me now, I'm going out back and eat a worm. it better be one of those ones that looks like a snake!!!!!!!!! You're just a hard man to please! Hell, I'll eat two just for you! Ahhhh, does it have to have eyes? I hate eating things that are watching me ... they have a tendency of leaving images of small teardrops in my mind for when I dream.
nope no eyes neccassary and things are fine now BUT i still want one of them guns
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wideguy
Jan 6, 2005, 7:49 PM
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Dear N00b,
There aren't alot of "boulders" near me but I see alot of those cement highway barrier things. I figure training on them by doing laps would be cool. Do you know what the sit start on one is ? And if i stacked 3 or 4 on top of each other would that move the grade up or would it just become a sport climb?
Keep up the good advice.
Gumby
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cracklover
Jan 6, 2005, 8:24 PM
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Dear Dr Noob, I have this burning itching throbbing feeling in my crotch, my butt hurts real bad, and I'm afraid I may have contracted some terrible disease. Is there anything a doctor can do, or am I now a sport climber-4-lyfe?
GO
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subtle
Jan 6, 2005, 9:27 PM
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In reply to: There aren't alot of "boulders" near me but I see alot of those cement highway barrier things. I figure training on them by doing laps would be cool. Do you know what the sit start on one is ? And if i stacked 3 or 4 on top of each other would that move the grade up or would it just become a sport climb?
Well, looking at the end of your typical concrete highway barrier...it's exactly (exactly kinda?) shaped like the problem Atari, which is up on the canyon rim at the Happy Boulders...except it's 3 feet tall and made of cement...and in a highway. Atari goes at V6, so you're probably going to want to warm up on the slabby side of the barrier first. Another similarity with Atari would be the hideous landing, although nobody in Bishop has ever been trucked by a grandma in a Subaru when missing the crux move...to my knowledge, at any rate.
495 South is usually in the shade in the early morning, so the friction should be primo. Get your send on, brother.
Allez. Homard.
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bad_lil_kitty
Jan 6, 2005, 10:00 PM
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Dear nOOb:
I hope you can help as you've helped my baby_brother aikibujin with his chopstick dilema - and thank you, now when he comes down this weekend to climb, he will not be at a loss! (Oh and do you think it's a good idea that his chopsticks are metal vs wood? I told him the metal ones could do some serious damage).
I've tried beano; I've tried pinchin' ma cheeks; and I've even made sure that I all extra air inside my spincter was pushed out pre-climb... However, as my baby_brother and I sat atop this glorious moutainside... I no longer could hold in my "love" and proceeded to past wind... Thankfully, he's family so it's okay... However, any tips to keep the air sounding less full of bASS and ODORifourous?
gASS_FUlly,
BLK
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arjunrattan
Jan 6, 2005, 11:12 PM
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hey NOOB you are indeed the god of climbing..we are are really lucky and eternally gratefull and honoured to have you among us mere mortals..
i have a quesion..why do ppl go climbing?? ppl say its for the view, they get inner peace blah blah bull crap... :? :? I say its to score points with those super fit climbing chicks (ima guy here...)
which brings me to the next part of my quesion?? im climbing real hard...sent my first v0- yest..still im not able to get those climber gals' attension..please help...i mean this is the reason ppl climb right...peace
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fjclimbsrocks
Jan 7, 2005, 1:39 AM
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Dear NOOB,
How do you get the rope up there??? I saw that all you need for a toprope at the gym is a rope and two locking carabiners, so I bought a rope and two biners and went straight to el cap. You must need a 6,000 foot rope to top rope that b@stard!! Hence the question...how do you get the rope up there?????
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arjunrattan
Jan 7, 2005, 4:28 AM
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hey NOOB you are indeed the god of climbing..we are are really lucky and eternally gratefull and honoured to have you among us mere mortals..
i have a quesion..why do ppl go climbing?? ppl say its for the view, they get inner peace blah blah bull crap.. :? :? . I say its to score points with those super fit climbing chicks (ima guy here...)
which brings me to the next part of my quesion?? im climbing real hard...sent my first v0- yest..still im not able to get those climber gals' attension..please help...i mean this is the reason ppl climb right...peace :? :?
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jeep4evr
Jan 7, 2005, 7:29 AM
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hey nOOb, it's about time I find a REAL climbing authority on the web. I was afraid I'd have to resort to asking climbers in real life :shock:
Have a question for ya. Why don't people replace all the popular cam points on trad routes with bolts??? That way you're not lugging around heavy gear, and one can even eliminate quickdraws because they could pull themselves up through the bolt rings. Much easier if you ask me.
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subtle
Jan 7, 2005, 2:52 PM
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In reply to: I saw that all you need for a toprope at the gym is a rope and two locking carabiners, so I bought a rope and two biners and went straight to el cap. You must need a 6,000 foot rope to top rope that b@stard!! Hence the question...how do you get the rope up there?????
I think you might be on to something there. With all of the latest work done to improve the standard of Big Wall Climbing...that stuff is just getting too hard. I mean, c'mon now, what am I supposed to do...dream of finding a nice jug-haul variant on Dihedral Wall? Hey, Tommy, you totally missed the good holds, brah! Oh, I know, I'll speed simul-solo the Nose...in 46 minutes...that'll show those pesky Hubers. Take that, you leather pants wearing freaks. Yah, Dieter, zees is the time on Sprockets when we climb! Yeh, right.
I think a solid top roping of El Cap would really do a lot to bring things back to a level that, say, your average gym climber could contemplate. I say you definately go rig yourself a nice 6000 foot top rope. Then get on there and hangdog the hell out of the bastard...make us 5.7+ climbers proud. Whine that there aren't any foot chips, that it's too sunny out, and that the route is poorly taped up. In fact, bring some tape and put up your own route. Pink would look good.
I'll totally belay you on the proj. I'll be right back, have to go get my lawn chair and grigri...
Allez. Sunscreen. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 7, 2005, 3:31 PM
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In reply to: im climbing real hard...sent my first v0- yest..still im not able to get those climber gals' attension..please help...i mean this is the reason ppl climb right...peace :? :?
Attracting the attention of 'climber gals', eh? Have you not been paying attention? I'm a socially inept boulderer, man. I'm intimidated to the point of nearly peeing myself by pictures of women...if an actual woman talked to me I'd clearly spontanously combust...and pee myself. Why don't you just ask me something easy like...oh, I dunno...give you a workable Mideast Peace plan in 50 words or less...or re-sequence that genome doo-dad...sheesh. Well, you asked, so here goes.
Based on my furtive gym observations and extensive questioning of a sport climber who had a date once, here's what I have learned:
There is absolutely no way to impress women with your climbing ability. None. I mean, have you ever heard any of the following (outside of a daydream, natch):
"He's so hot, check out his crimp strength...I have to have him!"
"That's one sexy hunk of sloper slapper! He could totally rock over on me, girlfriend!"
"That beanie gets me so horny!"
"I dig a man who's free of the oppression of hygene!"
"Why can't I find a chalk-slathered near-mute emaciated sullen misanthrope to call my own! Why! WHY!"
Well, keep waiting, bro.
No, the sad fact is that the V7 hardwoman will somehow become fixated on the rental shoe gumb sporting a gold chain and the half gallon of Drakkar Noir. This is, sadly, the way of things. You will be crushed. You will be bitter.
You will send hard projects.
Allez. Cupid. Homard.
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jammer
Jan 7, 2005, 5:56 PM
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In reply to: Handjammer48 wrote> In reply to: Dear NOOB, Where can I get me one of those bolt guns I saw in Cliffhanger??? I really need one because I want to climb anywhere I want and this would allow me to do so. It'll also allow me to climb without a rope, yep, I saw him do it so you can't tell me it can't be done! Thanks NOOB Try this: http://hilti.20m.com/index.html
It's official! Taken from an email to their sales department: "Yes we do have that particular tool. We have also released a new tool called the DX 76, which is similar with a few changes. If you would like to discuss this item please contact me." Hollyweed came through with this one!!
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arjunrattan
Jan 7, 2005, 6:37 PM
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[quote="subtle"]In reply to: i No, the sad fact is that the V7 hardwoman will somehow become fixated on the rental shoe gumb sporting a gold chain and the half gallon of Drakkar Noir. This is, sadly, the way of things. You will be crushed. You will be bitter. You will send hard projects. Allez. Cupid. Homard.
dude man...like ahahahaha you are fuunnnyy...seriosly consider a career as a stand up comic...that was funnnnnnyyyyy....ahahahahahahhahha :lol: :lol: :P :P
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yorb
Jan 7, 2005, 7:32 PM
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Hello Noob, you've been VERY VERY Helpful, but i'm having a problem. I've been trying to get into ice climbing, but my chalk hasn't been keeping my hands dry and i still slip off the ice. I need some help here, people keep telling me to get ice axes, but they're all really good so i wanted to ask you
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subtle
Jan 7, 2005, 7:56 PM
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In reply to: Why don't people replace all the popular cam points on trad routes with bolts???
Your question is like an onion...layers and layers of complexity, some of which make you cry...some add a zesty kick to chili. Although I am only a 6th degree black belt in Trad, I will do my best to give it the answer it deserves.
The crux of your question is the word 'popular'...which has overtones of accepted practice, shared viewpoint, or maybe even group consensus. One could reasonably assume, therefore, that for something to be popular, at least two (sometimes more!) people have to agree on it. As near as I can tell, no two trad people have ever agreed on anything regarding gear, how to use it, where to get it, what to call it, or any other damn thing. While one Traddie swears that you have to protect the second pitch of You're On Crack 5.4+ with a dual-swaged woosy-flange and four knifeblade RP hexa-nuts, another will insist that he used a pinecone wrapped in tape...and only used that because he was 400 feet above his last placement and his belayer was psychotic with fear and urinating on the haul bag full of ham sandwiches.
But here's the miraculous thing. You have the power to unite the Trad community. All you have to do is...bolt up that line. Instantly, the entire howling pack of Traddies will converge, pirhana-like, on your proj in a malestrom of crowbars, Fleetwood Mac t-shirts and ham sandwiches. In ten seconds flat it'll be back the way nature intended, a pristine crack with no artifical pro...and the Traddies will be back to telling each other to STFU because a #5 Alien is clearly the gear for that placement.
Just as nature intended.
Allez Homard. Boltgun.
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jammer
Jan 7, 2005, 8:04 PM
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In reply to: *snip* Although I am only a 6th degree black belt in Trad, I will do my best to give it the answer it deserves. *snip* Allez Homard. Boltgun.
You're confusing me ... are you not the same guy who never made it out of the basement and peed himself? I just cna't keep things straight these days :?
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aikibujin
Jan 7, 2005, 8:33 PM
Post #102 of 977
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In reply to: You're confusing me ... are you not the same guy who never made it out of the basement and peed himself? I just cna't keep things straight these days :?
Shhhhh! You're giving away the secret of our art! It's not how hard you can climb, it's how hard you can spray. I lead 5.3s on toprope, but I spray like I freesolo 5.12s.
By the way, it's obvious that a pair of #2 stainless chopsticks stacked and tied off short is more bomber than the #5 cam in that flaring crack. What were you thinking?!
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sed
Jan 7, 2005, 8:37 PM
Post #103 of 977
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Hey NOOB, what is the essential style differences in answering the call of nature (both #1 and #2 the yuckie stuff) for the trad climber versus the sport climber. I only drop my drawers in a bathroom with 6 ply charmin close at hand. does that mean i can't be a hard trad dude?
p.s., your friggin hilarious.
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jammer
Jan 7, 2005, 8:45 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: You're confusing me ... are you not the same guy who never made it out of the basement and peed himself? I just cna't keep things straight these days :? Shhhhh! You're giving away the secret of our art! It's not how hard you can climb, it's how hard you can spray. I lead 5.3s on toprope, but I spray like I freesolo 5.12s. By the way, it's obvious that a pair of #2 stainless chopsticks stacked and tied off short is more bomber than the #5 cam in that flaring crack. What were you thinking?!
You're right ... fucked up again! :oops: I better go back to the gym :(
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cracklover
Jan 7, 2005, 8:45 PM
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Dear Mr. NOOB,
Some people who I climb at the gym with sometimes told me yesterday that they're going to do some "sport" climbing. Does that mean that the climbing I'm doing isn't a sport? Is sport climbing some kind of a game, like, where you see who can get to the bar at the top or something? If so, I think that might be fun! I'd like to go "sport" climbing with them! But somehow I think not, 'cause it sounded like they were talking about going outside. But, I mean, that can't be right, because I've never seen bars at the tops of cliffs outside like they have them at my gym.
I'm really afraid to ask the people, 'cause I know they'll make fun of me. You won't make fun of me for not knowing what "sport" climbing means, will you Mr. Noob?
Signed,
GI'llRaceYaToTheTopO
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dynosore
Jan 7, 2005, 8:55 PM
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Dear NOOB:
I've saved up $35.27 (including the 5 bucks I stole out of my mom's purse today) and would like to buy my first climbing shoes. I need shoes that will excel at overhanging sport, bouldering, face, crack, and slab climbing. They have to be comfortable enough for my 7 mile approach to my secret 5.5 project, and day glo orange or gold accents are highly desireable. Oh BTW I wear size 14 1/2 W and have hammer toe. I searched the site but couldn't find any shoe threads. Any help appreciated.
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aikibujin
Jan 7, 2005, 9:16 PM
Post #107 of 977
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In reply to: You're right ... f--- up again! :oops: I better go back to the gym :(
Now no need to go that low. Let's just sit by this boulder, talk friendly, and have a bite of ham sandwitch, while making fun of these sport climbers trying to pull that horrendous looking 5.13 over on that overhanging mirror face.
But secretly, I know I can't pull a 5.13 in a million years. Not on a toprope. Not even with jumars. :cry: But I only cry about it when I could hide under my bed.
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jammer
Jan 7, 2005, 9:29 PM
Post #108 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: You're right ... f--- up again! :oops: I better go back to the gym :( Now no need to go that low. Let's just sit by this boulder, talk friendly, and have a bite of ham sandwitch, while making fun of these sport climbers trying to pull that horrendous looking 5.13 over on that overhanging mirror face. But secretly, I know I can't pull a 5.13 in a million years. Not on a toprope. Not even with jumars. :cry: But I only cry about it when I could hide under my bed.
If we do that, and wait until someone sees us, we'll be trad climbers!
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subtle
Jan 7, 2005, 10:24 PM
Post #109 of 977
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In reply to: Is sport climbing some kind of a game, like, where you see who can get to the bar at the top or something?
Sport climbing is very much a game...the question is, which game?
Chess - Right hand to sloper, check! Hmm, left foot to heel-hook, mate?
Checkers - The double jump is always a winner, especially in comps.
Dungeons & Dragons - Sticketh that sloper with your +5 Hand of Pimping, Sir Campus a Lot!
Monopoly - If you land on the wrong thing, you don't collect $200...but the emergency room might.
Scrabble - Have to come up with route names somehow..."Tonino '78", triple word score!
Battleship - You sank my onsight!
Jenga - Move the wrong thing at the wrong time, and stuff does indeed tumble down.
But the probable correct answer is Tic-Tac-Toe...you can never win, there's really no point, and yet you keep...on...playing it.
Allez. Yahtzee!
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oldsalt
Jan 7, 2005, 10:43 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: Is sport climbing some kind of a game, like, where you see who can get to the bar at the top or something? Sport climbing is very much a game...the question is, which game? ...Tic-Tac-Toe...you can never win, there's really no point, and yet you keep...on...playing it.
And some wonder where Truth can be found.
Allez Luyah. Homard.
-----------------
How come Homard becomes Languistina when served in a thermidor? The bloody French are playing with our heads!
Edited for spelling, I think.
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melbatoast
Jan 8, 2005, 1:39 AM
Post #111 of 977
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Dear Ask the NOOb,
I just started climbing and I love it! I met this hot climber dude and we go cragging all the time. I mean really. All the time. Cuz he doesn't have a job or anything and I'm more than happy to call in sick to be with him. He's taught me so much already. Like how to belay really good. It's hard but he was really patient and just let me do it over and over again until it seems like I've got it. He hardly ever has to yell at me anymore. And I'm getting in such great shape from carrying the rope and rack everywhere - he was right, it's great training.
The problem is my family doesn't like him. How can I explain that the dirty, orange-beanied guy they see in the passenger seat of my car while I jump out to deliver their Christmas presents is really a sweet, profoundly spiritual man? He doesn't really mean anything negative by pounding the dashboard and yelling "COME ON ALREADY. You're wasting fucking time." It's just that he's sort of "evolved" past their everyday lives and only really feels at home at the crags. This materialistic sphere is just a major buzzkill for him. And I swear to god I don't mind letting him crash at my place, driving him around, and buying his pot, beer and food. I've gotten so much back in return that I feel like I owe him.
I know you're just a nOOb like me but you're a guy and you're obviously way into the vibe just like my rockstud, so maybe you can help me out. What should I tell my parents so they'll appreciate him like I do?
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subtle
Jan 8, 2005, 1:37 PM
Post #112 of 977
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In reply to: Dear NOOB: I've saved up $35.27 (including the 5 bucks I stole out of my mom's purse today) and would like to buy my first climbing shoes. I need shoes that will excel at overhanging sport, bouldering, face, crack, and slab climbing. They have to be comfortable enough for my 7 mile approach to my secret 5.5 project, and day glo orange or gold accents are highly desireable. Oh BTW I wear size 14 1/2 W and have hammer toe. I searched the site but couldn't find any shoe threads. Any help appreciated.
I know what you mean, brother, it's tough to get shoe advice...nobody likes to talk about it.
After looking through my personal collection of 14 pair and considering your fairly standard performance criteria, I think the ideal shoe for you would be the V15PMadpredadragontestasazi by Le Boeuf. It's a slipper with redundant laces and velcro, so you can totally tune the performace to work with whatever kind of jugs you're hauling at the moment. For '05, they've wrapped the toe and lace area with nubbly, claw-like hooking tentacles, to really help out with all that lace-smearing and toe-pimping everyone's doing on the classic V1- stuff these days. It's got Grimptastic K42 rubber, which reaches near glue-like adhesion between 47-51 degrees, although feels like kinda like butter and smells like...more butter...outside of that. The people at Le Boeuf custom make their shoes, so fitting them to you shouldn't be a problem, nor should your color selection. They cost about 375-400 euros a pair, but since all those foreigners love the American Dollar (Freedom Funds, brah!), I'm sure you can easily pick up a couple pair well within your budget.
...oh, don't forget to get the matching T-shirt and chalk bag. People will think you're sponsored. Rad, bro! Can I get your autograph?
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 8, 2005, 2:53 PM
Post #113 of 977
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In reply to: What should I tell my parents so they'll appreciate him like I do?
Ah, it's so heartwarming to see a beautiful and lasting relationship formed on the common bond of...crimping.
I think the only reasonable thing to do is have a honest, open, heart-to-heart talk with your parents about your hopes, dreams...and boyfriend's climbing goals for the season. It'll be much easier for them to understand the necessity for you to give up the partnership track at the law firm and the mid six-figure income if they realize that, he's like, totally going to get a chalk sponsor this year. How could you be so selfish as to materialistically cling to your house and group of loving neighbors and friends? I mean, as long as you have him, a 1972 VW Microbus is all the home you'll ever want...regardless of how many of his boys need to crash in the back to rest up from the 'sesh. Sleeping alone outside is fun, even when it rains.
Your parents will be so proud of you when you outline how you intend to draw down your trust fund to buy video gear and plane tickets to France to that you can fulfill your boyfriends artistic vision for Sloper Slapper VIIII - Font Freakout, Foshizzle!. They may weep with joy, or they may turn bright red with happines. Either could happen.
This is nothing compared with the support and encouragement you'll recieve when your boyfriend announces "Besides, you guys will always be part of our lives...I mean...who's going to watch our kids?"
It'll be a hallmark moment. I can feel it right now.
Can I be a bridesmaid? (Sniff, sniff...I always cry at weddings...)
Allez. Dirtbag. Homard.
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cintune
Jan 8, 2005, 7:48 PM
Post #114 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
I have no new messages.
I have no new email.
I have no friends online.
What's wrong with me? Please advise.
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melbatoast
Jan 8, 2005, 7:55 PM
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nOOb, it's almost like you know him! And you can totally be a bridesmaid if I'm every so lucky as to marry him. He's kinda against the whole being tied down and a prisoner to society's conventions and stuff. It's just part of his free spirited, independent way that I love so much. It used to hurt my feelings when he spent so much time doing what I thought was trying to pick up other girls, but now that he's helped me understand that we're all just part of one big whole and it's important to tune in to the love whenever you can, I just try to ignore it. And I hardly ever put candy bars in the chics' gas tanks any more. How can they resist him? I know I can't!
But I swear, that comment about telling my parents they'll always have a babysitting gig? Were you there or something?? The funniest part is he doesn't even like kids! Somehow the universal love thing doesn't extend to other people's "brats." He says it's cuz the planet's already way stressed and he doesn't want to add to overpopulation, but he does make a face like he's smelling dirty diapers whenever there's kids around. It's wierd how a tight bivy with a bunch of smelly climbers doesn't phase him at all.
Anywayz, my biological clock is ticking away (I'm about 10 years older than my man, did I mention that?) and I reaally want to get married and start on a family soon. Maybe he'll propose when we're in France working on that chalk sponsorship... Gosh nOOb, is there anything I can do to make myself irresistible to him? I just know he'll be the best husband and dad in the world. I mean, the guy can crimp!!
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bad_lil_kitty
Jan 9, 2005, 9:35 AM
Post #116 of 977
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In reply to: Dear nOOb: ....(Oh and do you think it's a good idea that his chopsticks are metal vs wood? I told him the metal ones could do some serious damage)
nOOb - although my question was not answered, i wanted to give an update as to my little_brother_aikibijukin (or however, he spells it)... as he is sleeping in my guest room unharmed (re: chopstick choice metal vs wood) from today's nighttime snowboarding - his problem was solved (somewhat)... he got sticky rice that was formed in the shape of a log rolled w/ unidentifiable yummy crunchy brown stuff in the middle; inside a clear plastic bag (like sushi before it's cut)... there wasn't a need for chopsticks... and since it was cold out, there was no need for its refridgeration...
hope the update can prove to be useful to others with similar chopstick/sushi dilema's....
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subtle
Jan 10, 2005, 3:33 PM
Post #117 of 977
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In reply to: I have no new messages. I have no new email. I have no friends online. What's wrong with me?
I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with you…although this does probably reflect on your climbing style.
If you were an Alpine climber, your friends LiteNFast, SixToesLeft and Twight4President would probably have sent you a bunch of PMs about chopping verglas bollards, weaving shoelace ropes to rap off the Death Needle pitch of Boognash IV as the temperature plummeted to -147 degrees…and drinking their own urine to stay alive on Day 27 without food after they’ve eaten Larry, the belayer. You can swap tips on good camp recipes for Larry Leftovers.
If you were a Trad climber, you’d have regular correspondence with 568PieceRack, BoltsSuck and RunOutNoDoubt, who would tend to reflect at length on seeing eagles while standing on tiny foot chips…errr…ledges, sitting on…ledges, and spreading out the fixin’s for a nice ham sandwich…on a ledge. You can swap tips on how to keep the eagles away from the pimento loaf.
If you were a sport climber, your boys ClipOrWhip, SponsrdDude and Five8HangDog would regale you with e-mails about the latest sesh, exchanging stories about outrageous 7 foot whippers, how best to stick clip up to the 4th bolt, and how long to wait between burns on a 5.9+ testpiece. You can swap tips on coordinating your outfits, too, since you all don’t want to show up at the crag in the same ¾ length flared Prana ninja pants…that could look…un-rad.
But it is fairly obvious that you are a boulderer. Boulderers are anti-social by nature, preferring to shun all human contact and live on a crashpad under the proj or on their parent’s couch in the basement. They typically have no skin on the tips of their fingers, so typing e-mails hurts…and besides…the computer’s like totally way over there, bro.
And, I mean, when’s the last time a boulderer had anything clever to say?
Allez. IM. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 11, 2005, 2:47 PM
Post #118 of 977
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In reply to: Gosh nOOb, is there anything I can do to make myself irresistible to him? I just know he'll be the best husband and dad in the world. I mean, the guy can crimp!!
There are many paths to attracting the male climber. The most obvious would be to saran-wrap yourself into some Prana-kini and flounce around waving some beef jerky and a DVD copy of Sloper Slapper X – Grimping Girls Gone Gonzo and yell “I need a booty spot!”. Cheap, but effective…like relationship ramen noodles…but hardly the sort of thing you want to build your future on. Based on all of the successful climber/climber relationships I’ve observed over the years…both of them…here’s the beta:
Show your man that you want to be not just a part of his life, but part of his climbing…perhaps start with the obvious things. Tell the world that you’re a team by buying matching beanies…preferably with his and hers nicknames embroidered on them. Nothing says ‘commitment’ better than being known as Mrs. Crimp Pimp. But why stop there? Buy the same shoes, especially if his are $175 ultra-rad uber-slippers that instantly give you toe gangrene and are only useful for V19 projects on 95 degree overhangs. Never, ever wear them…but proceed to style his V1- projects in your sandals and explain that you “Want to save your good shoes for when you get stronger and climb something hard”. He’ll likely get so choked up with happiness that he’ll walk away and kick a trashcan a few times with his mangled toe-nubs…which will cause tears of joy.
Don’t forget to share your happiness with others by bringing them into your social circle. Your boy will positively glare with joy when you tell him that you’re just going to “Chuck a quick lap on the V8 in the corner with the guys from Bishop…don’t worry…Manimal is going to spot me, he’s so burly!…keep working on your project! Those V1+ moves are hard. You’re totally almost pulling off the ground, sweetie!”
Ah, young love. You’re blessed.
Allez. Matrimony. Homard.
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jammer
Jan 11, 2005, 8:23 PM
Post #119 of 977
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Dear Mr nOOb,
Do you write for TV?
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jakedatc
Jan 11, 2005, 8:53 PM
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Dear nOOb
I was hiking the other day and behind the peak we summitted was a hidden jewel of a 10,000m peak (i know what you're thinking.. how did this go unnoticed for so long.. i think it's just shy)
Anyway.. i am very new to this alpine climbing stuff and am wondering what kind of gear.. clothing.. and of course, food of choice that i will need to buy, steal or "borrow" to ascend this mountain
being a sport climber myself i love the high performance gear.. do they make downturned super aggro crampons? my ExtraLyte 7.6mm rope should be fine right? it's not dry treated but i wont be climbing it in the rain so no worries.
i have lots of quickdraws..like 37g each.. totally sweet..(it's going to have bolts right?)
i hope you can help
-sportclymber
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subtle
Jan 13, 2005, 2:41 PM
Post #121 of 977
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In reply to: Do you write for TV?
Hmmm, you caught me. Yes, I have occasionally submitted some freelance work for TV, radio and...Infomercials. The one where Ron Popiel takes the V4-ish turkey out of the rotary oven by totally thrutching to the drumstick...that was mine. Other things you might have seen:
Season 3 - CSI: Bishop
A So-Cal boulderer is brought in to help the team solve a series of brutal decapitation crimes. "Whoa! We're looking for someone with rad sloper strength...I mean...that head is bad...no texure at all...and someone just yarded it right off his neck...that's so uncool". Jason Kehl stars as The Bad Guy With Rad Sloper Strength.
Episode 361 - Alf
Alf attempts a new free route on El Cap, only to fail when his -34 APE index prevents him from reaching any two consecutive holds. Alf proceeds to buy extra-long ice tools, increases his APE index to -2, and styles Dihedral Wall. Tommy Caldwell seen weeping in the background.
I'm putting together a DVD boxed set...should be ready by Christmas.
Allez. Homard.
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plund
Jan 13, 2005, 2:59 PM
Post #122 of 977
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Dear N00B -
I was fortunate enough to catch one of cinema's all-time classics - "Cliffhanger" - while indulging my hermit-like nature this past weekend. Before the overwhelming cinematic brilliance forced me to change channels (I'm very sensitive & couldn't stop retching), I was alarmed to see a harness buckle fail, resulting in the death of a hottie. My question is
this - my two harnesses are both over 2 years old. Should they be retired due to microcracks, or should I live dangerously?
On the edge of my seat in my cubicle, awaiting enlightenment....or at least a response!
Thanks just all to pieces......
PS - I've been looking for a bolt gun on ebay...any assistance greatly appreciated...
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subtle
Jan 13, 2005, 3:47 PM
Post #123 of 977
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In reply to: I was alarmed to see a harness buckle fail, resulting in the death of a hottie. My question is this - my two harnesses are both over 2 years old. Should they be retired due to microcracks, or should I live dangerously?
Climbing deaths are always sort of un-cool, but nothing tears me up inside like when a fictional 'hottie' is cut down in the prime of her imaginary life. Oh, the humanity...she could have played someone who cured cancer...or become President on some sort of made for TV mini-series.
Ok, pull it together, man...there's advice to be given.
If you can see any micro-cracks...well, you're obviously some sort of super hero with super vision and probable other super powers...flying, ability to fall long distances and bounce, etc...so I wouldn't worry about it. If this isn't the case, I'd suggest a redundant system of wearing both harnesses at all times...just to be sure. To prevent the shrapnel from your exploding harness from severing your rope, you should clearly double that up, too. Maybe throw in a stack of crash pads and some spotters, too. And a parachute.
The more I think about it, you're pretty much a goner. You'd better stay on the ground...and avoid standing on chairs and ladders. Also, tall shoes.
It's for the best.
Allez. Homard.
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plund
Jan 13, 2005, 7:15 PM
Post #124 of 977
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N00B said....If you can see any micro-cracks...well, you're obviously some sort of super hero with super vision and probable other super powers...flying, ability to fall long distances and bounce, etc...so I wouldn't worry about it. If this isn't the case, I'd suggest a redundant system of wearing both harnesses at all times...just to be sure. To prevent the shrapnel from your exploding harness from severing your rope, you should clearly double that up, too. Maybe throw in a stack of crash pads and some spotters, too. And a parachute.
Thanks, N00B!! It's kinda cold & icy here in the flatlands; I'll make sure I double-harness-up before I walk outside. Can't be too careful...wouldn't want to deck on the way to my car...
My apologies for / edited due to my lack of computer skills...
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melbatoast
Jan 14, 2005, 4:58 AM
Post #125 of 977
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In reply to: There are many paths to attracting the male climber. The most obvious would be to saran-wrap yourself into some Prana-kini and flounce around waving some beef jerky and a DVD copy of Sloper Slapper X – Grimping Girls Gone Gonzo and yell “I need a booty spot!”.
nOOb! Again I ask -- were you there???? Obvious and cheap are my middle names. To make it even more special I quit shaving my legs and underarms a couple weeks before. I even got one of those temporary tattoos for my lower back (hate needles). Luckily, I'm already flatchested so I didn't have to go through a painful and expensive breast reduction or anything like that. And the nookie was great. Truly awesome. But then I got to thinking as he was snoring away on my nice level chest....Dude, is this any way for someone's mother to act? I mean, here I am, wanting to make a baby and I'm wearing Saran Wrap for god's sake. And I have beef jerky stuck in my teeth and the climbing shoes he likes me to wear when we do it are really cramping my toes...
So it hit me, nOOb. What the hell do I want a baby for anyway? Fug dat! And that Manimal guy from Bishop is nice and burly and seems kinda interested in case this thing doesn't work out....
Thanks, buddy. You're good. You helped me realize I'm just not ready for hiz and herz beanies and the whole Mommy bit. There's a whole bunch of ham sammiches left to sample if you know what I mean (wink, wink).
Allez Cuisine.
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scrapedape
Jan 14, 2005, 1:15 PM
Post #126 of 977
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Dear NOOB:
I recently asked a Jewish friend of mine to go trad climbing and he politely declined. I was a little confused why he dismissed it so quickly, and then it hit me: ham sandwiches! I feel so stupid now! Have I made a big shmendrik out of myself, or will this all blow over?
Also, it got me to wondering: has there ever been a successful Jewish trad climber? It seems to me that they would be at a significant nutritional disadvantage.
Much appreciate your wisdom...
scrapedape
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subtle
Jan 14, 2005, 2:20 PM
Post #127 of 977
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It's time for me to stop this, at least for now. I'll leave you with some quasi-appropriate lyircs:
"You can try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough"
-Radiohead, Optimistic
True? You tell me.
Allez. Homard.
-Joel
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melbatoast
Jan 15, 2005, 1:35 AM
Post #128 of 977
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Joel, you are really, truly good. And funny, did I mention funny? All this wittiness has probably worn you out a little and you are certainly entitled to a break. Do hope you come back though. It wasn't anything I said, was it?
Ask the Noob should go down in rockclimbing.com history. It's certainly my favorite. Thanks.
Cheers!
- Melinda
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justafurnaceman
Jan 15, 2005, 2:09 AM
Post #129 of 977
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Dear Noob, I'm new to this site and new to climbing and I have an important question. My wife is lookiing through catalogs of baskets and candle stuff bugging me about which color scheme to go with, so I'm asking you; which color scheme would go best with Omega Pacific Dirtbag QD's?? (I have to buy low cost gear because the wife is buying more candles. I guess I'll have to work more overtime.)
Thanks!
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scrapedape
Jan 15, 2005, 3:17 AM
Post #130 of 977
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It was my post wasn't it?
Damn it, I'm the cooler. Every time I post, you can be guaranteed that thread is dead.
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naw
Jan 15, 2005, 4:11 AM
Post #131 of 977
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thanks alot scrapedape
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dirtineye
Jan 15, 2005, 5:31 AM
Post #132 of 977
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In reply to: It's time for me to stop this, at least for now. I'll leave you with some quasi-appropriate lyircs: " You can try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough
If you try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough" -Radiohead, Optimistic True? You tell me. Allez. Homard. -Joel
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This can't be. FIrst, gary larsen quit The Far Side,
Then Bill Waters quit Calvin & Hobbes.
Now Subtle quits Ask the N00b?????????????
THE END IS NEAR, REPENT YE SINNERS, REPENT!
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subtle
Jan 17, 2005, 3:33 PM
Post #133 of 977
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After a quality weekend of TV while lying beached on my parent's sofa, I have realized that stopping Ask the NOOB was perhaps a mistake. No...the only logical thing to do is...put it on TV. How about...
Date the NOOB – Kinda like The Bachelor, but with less evening-wear and more taped-up fingers. The NOOB selects via an intricate elimination process from a group of women climbers who are unbalanced enough to compete for his affection. Instead of roses, the Noob hands out Prana beanies. Expect a tearful moment as the Noob chooses his true soul mate with the stirring phrase “You’ve unlocked the foot beta to my heart…”
Fire the NOOB – Similar to The Apprentice, but instead of competing for a spot in corporate America, the Noob tries to hold down a series of part-time service industry jobs to “Get my paper up, Yo, for this rad trip to Font…the friction is going to be sweeeet!”. Possible trademark infringement problems, though, as you will certainly be hearing “You’re Fired!” a lot.
Dress the NOOB – A makeover show where two snobby foreign fashionistas give the Noob an all-over style update. Show highlights include the attempt at a haircut, the fight over replacing the Prana beanie with a $275 cashmere Kangol, and the Noob’s feeble attempts to explain that the cargo pants he’s been sleeping in for the past week are “Subtle rad, yo”. Show ends with the Noob trading his $900 Versace leather pants to the Huber brothers for some beef jerkey and 3lbs of chalk.
Be the NOOB – Like the MTV show, Made, where normal people are given the opportunity to try and live a fantasy life…in this case the fantasy being that of a 103lb pasty-white boulderer with questionable hygiene and V1- skillz. The list of applicants is expected to be…short.
Scare the NOOB – Fear Factor for the bouldering set. Instead of jumping from high places or eating grotesque food-like objects, the Noob will be forced to face his greatest fears…a steady job with a career path, a house in the suburbs…and a disturbing lack of crimp strength. Nooooooo, yo!
Live with the NOOB – The Real World comes to Bishop, as a group of strangers is picked to live under the Spectre boulder and just see what zany stuff ensues. Expect a lot of “Why are we living under this rock?”, “What’s with all of these dirty people around here? Don’t they have showers?” and the occasional “Spot me good, Bro, I think I can totally pull off the ground this time!”
On second thought, maybe I should go back to sleep...
Allez. Re-runs. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 17, 2005, 4:23 PM
Post #134 of 977
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In reply to: My wife is lookiing through catalogs of baskets and candle stuff bugging me about which color scheme to go with, so I'm asking you; which color scheme would go best with Omega Pacific Dirtbag QD's??
It is obvious that you are a great sport climber...or will soon become one...because you have already mastered the central principle...your gear must look good. I mean, what are people going to think if you show up at the crag for your 5.14a redpoint and your draws don't match your rope? Or they clash with one or more of the thigh panels of your $173 uber-spandex imported specially via overnight shipping from Chamonix? Sure, you may tick the redpoint, but at what cost? As you lower off, not to the cheers of the hero...but to the icy silence of the...unfashionable!
The Horror!
Your best bet is to just carry your quickdraws around with you wherever you go, for ease of color matching. This will also let the world know that you are a real sport climber...because while anybody can lug their rack to the crag, it takes a serious hardman to bring it to Bed Bath and Beyond.
Allez. Floral Print. Homard.
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justafurnaceman
Jan 18, 2005, 1:53 AM
Post #135 of 977
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melbatoast was right! Were you there?? I took the quickdraws to the Curtain Shop, Bath and Body, and to Home Depot (we're repaintind the living room walls). YOU ARE GOOD!! Thanks for the advice man!
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justafurnaceman
Jan 18, 2005, 1:54 AM
Post #136 of 977
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melbatoast was right! Were you there?? I took the quickdraws to the Curtain Shop, Bath and Body, and to Home Depot (we're repaintind the living room walls). YOU ARE GOOD!! Thanks for the advice man!
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jpdreamer
Jan 18, 2005, 11:01 PM
Post #137 of 977
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Dear n00b,
What is the best magazine for rock climbing? Also, what books should I get?
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subtle
Jan 19, 2005, 3:19 PM
Post #138 of 977
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In reply to: What is the best magazine for rock climbing? Also, what books should I get?
Well, naturally, I'd suggest Vonnegut's Slaugherhouse Five...as well as the seminal Vurt by Jeff Noon and Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins...but, by far the most important thing to remember is that you are obviously insane...did you just ask me for literature recommendations? Seriously? I mean, I'm a boulderer, bro, all I read is the RC.com bouldering forum, the instructions for my crashpad (place on ground, fall, repeat as needed) and poorly-drawn Japanese anime comic books like Battle Vixens II...meow!
I mean, if you’re determined to get all Mensa-styley and try to learn your way to 5.9+, I guess you could do worse than a subscription to Slopra, the new magazine by ace female climber Slopra Crimprey. It’s mostly targeted at women climbers, true, but it has a refreshing take on the subject and an effervescent zest for life not usually found in more testosterone laden offerings. If that’s not on newsstands near you, go for the classic DQ –Dyno Quarterly…featuring super slo-mo shots of guys in beanies flying from one hold to another…I mean, like that ever gets old!
Watch out for paper cuts on your mono-pocket finger, brah…
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 19, 2005, 3:21 PM
Post #139 of 977
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In reply to: What is the best magazine for rock climbing? Also, what books should I get?
Well, naturally, I'd suggest Vonnegut's Slaugherhouse Five...as well as the seminal Vurt by Jeff Noon and Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins...but, by far the most important thing to remember is that you are obviously insane...did you just ask me for literature recommendations? Seriously? I mean, I'm a boulderer, bro, all I read is the RC.com bouldering forum, the instructions for my crashpad (place on ground, fall, repeat as needed) and poorly-drawn Japanese anime comic books like Battle Vixens II...meow!
I mean, if you’re determined to get all Mensa-styley and try to learn your way to 5.9+, I guess you could do worse than a subscription to Slopra, the new magazine by ace female climber Slopra Crimprey. It’s mostly targeted at women climbers, true, but it has a refreshing take on the subject and an effervescent zest for life not usually found in more testosterone laden offerings. If that’s not on newsstands near you, go for the classic DQ –Dyno Quarterly…featuring super slo-mo shots of guys in beanies flying from one hold to another…I mean, like that ever gets old!
Watch out for paper cuts on your mono-pocket finger, brah…
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 19, 2005, 3:22 PM
Post #140 of 977
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In reply to: What is the best magazine for rock climbing? Also, what books should I get?
Well, naturally, I'd suggest Vonnegut's Slaugherhouse Five...as well as the seminal Vurt by Jeff Noon and Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins...but, by far the most important thing to remember is that you are obviously insane...did you just ask me for literature recommendations? Seriously? I mean, I'm a boulderer, bro, all I read is the RC.com bouldering forum, the instructions for my crashpad (place on ground, fall, repeat as needed) and poorly-drawn Japanese Anime comic books like Battle Vixens II...meow!
I mean, if you’re determined to get all Mensa-styley and try to learn your way to 5.9+, I guess you could do worse than a subscription to Slopra, the new magazine by ace female climber Slopra Crimprey. It’s mostly targeted at women climbers, true, but it has a refreshing take on the subject and an effervescent zest for life not usually found in more testosterone laden offerings. If that’s not on newsstands near you, go for the classic DQ –Dyno Quarterly…featuring super slo-mo shots of guys in beanies flying from one hold to another…I mean, like that ever gets old!
Watch out for paper cuts on your mono-pocket finger, brah…
Allez. Homard.
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justthemaid
Jan 25, 2005, 4:39 PM
Post #141 of 977
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Registered: Sep 11, 2004
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Dear Noob, My partner has a massive trad rack. Personally, I find 200 lbs of gear hanging on a man's harness irresistable, but on to the query.
Every route we climb, he gleefully spends 3-4 hours placing 30-40 pieces of gear. Then I (Justthemaid) climb up and clean it . I have noticed- he doesn't actually like climbing. He just likes fiddling with gear. Although he does enjoy ham sandwiches, I think his climbing future may lie elsewhere. My question is this- is he really destined to be (voice drops to whisper) an aid climber?
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arjunrattan
Jan 25, 2005, 5:45 PM
Post #142 of 977
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hey NOOB hows it goin bro?
I was just thinking..gee whiz i really would like to get somewhere in the climbing world..so i was thinking up things to do..its really hard considering almost all the craziest climbs have already been climbed..however after much thought i have come up with the perfect plan to achieve cilmbing glory!
Basically i plan to repeat chris sharmas feat of completing realisation..but I intend to CAMPUS up the whole route. To make it even more spectacular i plan to throw in a couple of tooth hooks and make all clips midair in between dynos!
I just wanted your wise comments and thoughts on my project..and also suggesions to make it even cooler than it already is. Also how do i prepare for such a groundbreaking climb..from wat i hear chris sharma say...would "meditatiing for 10 years in the himalayas and connecting with the energy of the world" help me climb better??? or maybe smoking up like bigtime and halucinating..cause thats wat these climbers in the videos seem to be doing..i mean cmmon wat sober person would say things like "climbing its like dude your totally there man..you gotta see things you feel the energy...visualy the holy psychedelic charckra rotating in ure mind and loose all feeling and sense of reality like blah blah"...hahahah somethin like that...thanks for all the advice..your the man NOOB
laters
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subtle
Jan 25, 2005, 9:25 PM
Post #143 of 977
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In reply to: I have noticed- he doesn't actually like climbing. He just likes fiddling with gear. Although he does enjoy ham sandwiches, I think his climbing future may lie elsewhere. My question is this- is he really destined to be (voice drops to whisper) an aid climber?
I'm glad to see that you've had the courage to confront your fears and realize that your significant other may, in fact be, (voice drops to a whisper) an Aid Climber (cue scary organ music).
Aid Climbers are tragically the climbing equivalent of those 2am Creature Double Feature junior-varsity pseudo-monsters...the really sketchily defined ones with like $5.87 of special effects and glued-on tufts of cat hair. Y'know, like The Vampire Lobster Bat. Ooooooh, he'll suck your blood!...unless you have melted butter and one of those claw crackers! Anyway...
There's lots of tell-tale signs to look for. Sleeping dangling upside down from some aiders...can only be killed by a silver piton driven through his heart...can't stand any garlic near his ham sandwich...can't see his reflection when passing in front of a mirror, just a day-glo helmet covered with Petzl and Homestar Runner stickers. If any or all of this is going down, well, good luck...there hasn't been a sucessful Aid Climber exorcism since the 1974 attempt documented in Sloper Slapper X - Demon Dyno Dirtbags...and we all know how that ended up...
Allez. Redrum. Homard.
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travelin_light
Jan 26, 2005, 5:32 PM
Post #144 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
Congradulations on your Patriots making it to the big game. Since the Superbowl is a rather powerful ending to the football season, I was wondering if there could be such an event for climbing. Something that brings all of the different forms of climbing into one dramatic, beer drinking, gaucamole chomping, couch riding fiesta.....where the slope slappers meet the crack heads, and the plastic rangers rally against the ice dogs. Also would Paul McCartney sing about the bolting issues around the world. Would Chris Sharma pull off Lisa Rands' Prana top? Is such an grand event possible for us climbers? Your thoughts on this matter would be appreciated. Thanks NOOB.
your pal,
Charles
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jammer
Jan 26, 2005, 5:35 PM
Post #145 of 977
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travelin-light ... when does climbing season end???
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icyfrosty
Jan 26, 2005, 6:01 PM
Post #146 of 977
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Dear Noob,
After Watching Soloing El Cap in 1 day *most realistic movie for climbing so far in my opinion, I was wondering : How do does Ape like creatures with very long fingers and no self-preservation sense come back down ? Do they plan ahead and place a crash pad before climbing ? Parachute perhaps ? a kickass zipeLine that I didn't see last time I was up there ?
Please let me know because I'm planning my next crazy adventure in a short while.
Icy, crash pad and Parachute at the ready, Frosty
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bad_lil_kitty
Jan 26, 2005, 8:16 PM
Post #152 of 977
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Posts: 2341
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noob,
wtf just happened? i just pressed submit ONCE... great, now it's no longer the other kids fault... it's mine... :( :twisted:
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trickster
Jan 26, 2005, 8:24 PM
Post #153 of 977
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Posts: 57
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Dear noob, what size shoe should I get? It seems like the better climbers like size 9. I really want to be a better climber. Thanks!
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justthemaid
Jan 26, 2005, 8:50 PM
Post #154 of 977
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Noob said: "...tell tale signs to look for. Sleeping dangling upside down from some aiders..."
Thanks for the heads-up Noob. I hesitated to mention that just last week I caught him hanging from a big-bro he had wedged in a chimney. He was swooping down on unsuspecting hikers from above. Said it was just a joke, but I'll keep an eye out for other signs. You're a life saver.
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subtle
Jan 27, 2005, 2:41 AM
Post #155 of 977
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In reply to: Since the Superbowl is a rather powerful ending to the football season, I was wondering if there could be such an event for climbing. Something that brings all of the different forms of climbing into one dramatic, beer drinking, gaucamole chomping, couch riding fiesta
Oh, brah, that's like the last thing you want. Have you ever actually watched a half-time show all the way through? No, and neither has anyone else...because they're the result of like 5,000 mega-uncool people who used to be in the AV club and are now aging and paunchy and flat-out determined to prove that they're still with it...so they're going to turn this mutha out! Rock me, Amadeus!
Don't beleive me? Here's what it'd look like...
Lots of smoke and explosions, some fireworks. 3473 people run onto the field with snippets of ribbon on sticks that are supposed to look like...rope, I guess...and start flailing in a rythmic-gymanastic orgy to an Aerosmith/Kid Rock interpretation of "Walk This Way"...only...it's "Climb This Way"...see, that's catchy! The Blue Angels fly over at Mach 4, and the sonic boom tears a curtain off a red white and blue artificial wall, where nubile (yet totally clothed...don't want a repeat of last year...no sir) beauties wriggle up underhanging 5.6+ top-rope Jug Fests while Britney Spears BASE jumps onto the stage covered only in Petzl stickers and a Prana beanie and launches into a poorly lip-synched "I'm a (Belay) Slave for You". A dance team of 98lb anorexic boulderer-men yards her up onto their stick-like shoulders (Bro, the friction on her slopers is rad, Yo!) and dynos off stage. Just when you think it can't get any better...Nelly, Chris Sharma and Korn tear into a stirring rendition of the Who's "5.15a (unrepeated)". If you're not weeping openly by this point, you're obviously a Communist...or an Aid Climber...
Oh, we'll sell you the whole seat...BUT YOU'LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!!!
Allez. Sell-Out. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 27, 2005, 3:25 AM
Post #156 of 977
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In reply to: after much thought i have come up with the perfect plan to achieve cilmbing glory! Basically i plan to repeat chris sharmas feat of completing realisation
No, no, no, you're going about this from totally the wrong angle.
Right now, as we speak, there are approximately 28,472,458,734 French people training night and day, day and night...and some weekends, too...to repeat Realization...or, as they generally prefer to call it, Biographie (Sharma Sucks and America Does, Too). I mean, if you listen closely, you can practially hear them wasting away and ordering tighter spandex in an effort to out-diet each other for le Gran Redpoint. Getting to the top is a foregone conclusion, so, much like yourself, they're planning every kind of freakshow variant under the sun. Somewhere at this instant there is a 12 year old girl doing pullups and visualizing the first left-hand-only pinch & sloper Under-13 rain-send...and she's going to get it before you do, my friend...because she's hungry...she never eats anything, of course she's hungry...anyway, you're screwed, bub.
Your only hope is to play to your strengths, not as a climber, but as...an American!
Forget dieting down to 98lbs so you can do lock-offs on a tic-tac...go on an all-bacon diet and round out to a voluptuous 340lbs or so. You want difficulty? Every pocket is a mono when you've got giant sausage fingers. Mmmmm, Giant Sausage...better make that 350lbs.
Once you're in shape, roll over to the crag and rack up with some state of the art gear. Since your rippling phisique is now slightly outside the safety margins for 'normal' gear, bust out your custom titanium and carbon fiber quickdraws and 4mm Uber-Spectra rope. Buying your skills isn't against the rules...and even if it was, heck...we'd just bribe someone to change the rules, right pards? You betcha.
Now, here's the key...if for some silly reason you find you can't pull off the ground on Realization...take a page from that great American Donald Trump's book(s) and...build one better right next door! Imagine how depressed those Frenchies will be as you style Realization II before their calorie-deprived eyes, then casually announce that it felt "Oh, 5.19ish". Grab a couple of quick cover shots for Rock & Pimp and Climbering before anyone notices that Realization II is really a folding step ladder with a mono drilled in one of the rungs...you don't want it to get down-rated right away.
Your sponsors would be pissed, y'know.
Allez. USA. Homard.
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arjunrattan
Jan 27, 2005, 6:16 PM
Post #157 of 977
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[quote="subtle"]In reply to: after much thought i have come up with the perfect plan to achieve cilmbing glory! Now, here's the key...if for some silly reason you find you can't pull off the ground on Realization...take a page from that great American Donald Trump's book(s) and...build one better right next door! Imagine how depressed those Frenchies will be as you style Realization II before their calorie-deprived eyes, then casually announce that it felt "Oh, 5.19ish". Grab a couple of quick cover shots for Rock & Pimp and Climbering before anyone notices that Realization II is really a folding step ladder with a mono drilled in one of the rungs...you don't want it to get down-rated right away. Your sponsors would be pissed, y'know. Allez. USA. Homard.
right on man..awwsome..im sure to become a great and super famous climber..and I owe it all to you..in fact your days of being a woman deprived male boulderer are over...im going to sing your praises in all my interviews/magazines..im going to tell the world just how great a guy the NOOB is...thats the least I can do for someone who helped propell me to immortality...i mean realisation II..damn...i bet all that is goin to get you some hotties..peace man.. and enjoi the chickos :wink: :wink: lol
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sed
Jan 27, 2005, 6:58 PM
Post #158 of 977
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holy shit bro, that last one just about split my gut. i can just picture a big fat sausage finger going into a hole that some wee little frenchman has set up to bivy in for the night. i've been working on realization II already, think i've got it dialed but i'm wondering if that would take the glamour off sharma cause like he's totally rad. i've been trying to emulate him though, my lungs are almost shot from it. What do you think his secret is?
S
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subtle
Jan 27, 2005, 7:34 PM
Post #159 of 977
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In reply to: i've been working on realization II already, think i've got it dialed but i'm wondering if that would take the glamour off sharma cause like he's totally rad. i've been trying to emulate him though, my lungs are almost shot from it. What do you think his secret is?
Ah, well, to answer this one, I'll have to indulge in that most elite of climbing skills...VIP-Level Spraylording. This is serious Ninja Stuff, boys and girls, so make sure you warm up really well...you don't want to blow a tongue tendon.
The key to separating yourself from the seething hordes of Mad Rock Loco wearing gumbs clustered around the base of your VB+ gym proj is the ability to tactically drop the name of some highly sponsored climber who is, presumably, your best friend and spiritual confidant. Like so:
Yeah, so Lisa Rands was spotting me on the proj, and Jason Kehl and Luke Parady came by with Lauren Lee, and they were all like, "Yo, that's rad, son!", and I'm all like, "Yeah, Klem Loskot couldn't get the first move" and they're like "You're the shiznit, yo!" and I'm like "Yeah, I totally am".
So, given that Chris Sharma was obviously crashing over at my place recently, drinking wheat germ smoothies and playing hackey sack...I asked him. He told me a lot of secret stuff that I promised never to reveal, which is why I'm such a rad climber these days, but he did mention that the key was...not falling off.
I assume that's some sort of subtle, Jedi-style Honemaster term for, y'know, some yoga mind power chakra-fusion technique...but Chris was getting the hack back together and it was my turn to run the blender...so...I dunno.
Allez. Oooooom. Homard.
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quiteatingmysteak
Jan 27, 2005, 7:53 PM
Post #160 of 977
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Dear nOOb:
Ok so I TR (which is ill-style language for toprope lolz) about a 5.8 at the gym, and I wanna go outside, so should I wait for some old dude to do a 5.9 so i can try to jump on it right after and go POW! in ur face! ONSIGHTS ROXXOR! or should i just stop fooling around and wasting my time and head to wherever climbing magazine just did a feature on.
And Madrock is cool. They are so cool, they pick the most awesomest demographic audience! I feel totally hip, because i too am mad, albiet not at rocks.
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bonin_in_the_boneyard
Jan 27, 2005, 9:20 PM
Post #161 of 977
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In reply to: noob, wtf just happened? i just pressed submit ONCE... great, now it's no longer the other kids fault... it's mine... :( :twisted:
Nice sextuple post, Kitty! That's a full litter :D
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melbatoast
Jan 28, 2005, 7:20 AM
Post #162 of 977
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Dear NOOB, so the SuperBowl is coming up and that makes me think of beer. Course, no REAL climbers would be caught dead watching the 'Bowl when they could be out climbing, but I need a little advice. I'm gonna be meeting some dudes at the crags for the first time and I'm bringing the beer. What is the coolest kind of beer to bring? Guiness? Sierra Nevada? Sierra Nevada sounds cool cuz it's named after mountains and stuff, but I'm totally worried that I'll bring the wrong kind. I don't even like beer unless I'm already really drunk on tequila, but I know some guys dig it. Maybe I should just get whatever's cheapest so I can get a shitload of it? Help me, NOOB!!!
Allez. Duff. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 28, 2005, 4:01 PM
Post #163 of 977
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In reply to: I'm gonna be meeting some dudes at the crags for the first time and I'm bringing the beer. What is the coolest kind of beer to bring?
Now, this is an important question...and I don't know the answer. Much like trying to decide which 1982 Gran Cru Boreaux will enhance the subtleties of your seven course french meal, selecting the right beer for a group of climbers demands years of experience, a vast array of choices and an intimate knowledge of your companions.
I think your best bet would be to follow the Local Ethics at your crag, just like if you were planning on gluing on some gym holds or grid-bolting a nice 5.7- crack. If you show up at the Red (where Ale-8 rules) with a 40 of PBR and plans to pimp your steezos, well, you may as well roll up in green rental shoes, brah.
Also, know your posse. The fierce independance of an Alpinist will tend to drive them to whatever beer absolutely no-one else is drinking, especially if it's some sort of freakish octo-bock mega-dark 500 calorie fudge byproduct. Your typical traddie will pick something that goes well with ham, and is brewed locally by a small co-operative that has been using the same equipment for 20 years...just like a good traddie would. Your sport climbers will tend to favor some sort of high-tech low-carb anti-gravity light-light pale ale...can't get all bloated for the redpoint, y'know? Boulderers, on the other hand, are usually too young and too poor to get any beer, so anything with alcohol in it is waaay rad, yo. If you can somehow hand a boulderer the same kind of beer that Chris Sharma was drinking in Rampage...you have a friend/spotter for life.
Allez. Homard.
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cracklover
Jan 28, 2005, 5:24 PM
Post #164 of 977
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Mr Noob, sir, what about an aid climber? I'm thinking homebrew. It kind of says "I'm willing to put in a lot of personal hard labor, care, and effort, for something most people think is silly."
GO
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fixednut
Jan 28, 2005, 6:35 PM
Post #165 of 977
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I have it on good authority that the Noob is actually Dave Barry, who has just returned to Florida after a 4-year climbing bender in Europe.
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cracklover
Jan 28, 2005, 6:50 PM
Post #166 of 977
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Nah, the N00B is actually funny.
GO
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sed
Jan 28, 2005, 6:59 PM
Post #167 of 977
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you are so informative i can't stop asking. lately i've been wondering which type of girl to focus my death crimp love vibes on. i can't decide if i'd rather have a sport chick, a trad girlie, a boulderin gal, or even an alpine vixen. it seems really complicated and i have a hard time decided. a little about me, i can crank pretty hard indoors, like V3-, outdoors my sport pulling gets me up just about anything under a 5.10 and trad still kind of scares me but i did follow your advice and i picked up a load of gear anyway. so which kind of girl should i go for?
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subtle
Jan 28, 2005, 9:38 PM
Post #168 of 977
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In reply to: lately i've been wondering which type of girl to focus my death crimp love vibes on. i can't decide if i'd rather have a sport chick, a trad girlie, a boulderin gal, or even an alpine vixen. it seems really complicated and i have a hard time decided.
A stone-cold ladykiller like you is thinking of...limiting...yourself to just one woman? Say it ain't so! The game needs you, playa!
Oh well, if you must. Oh, in the interests of full disclosure, I should tell you that I have taken a permanent vow of celibacy...ie, I am a pasty-skinned beanie-wearing, no-job having, dirt-living boulderer...and that much of my advice will be as...well, theoretical...as my insights on how to pull V4 moves. Having said that, here's the beta:
Climbing women are, by and large, rare exotic creatures...much like unicorns or sasquatches...or vampire lobster bats. They are rarely seen in the wild, and when they are, they are frequently photographed for no apparent reason, mostly just to prove that they exist. The presence of a female in the herd can usually be inferred from a sudden stampeed over toward a particular problem, then hundreds of strobing camera flashes and the inevitable frantic jostling for the killer booty shot. If the woman in question happens to be wearing a sports-bra, expect a wave of faintings and maybe a trampling or two.
Attracting the attention of your spandex-slathered intended will be slightly harder than becoming a Chess GrandMaster and the Ultimate Fighting world champion...simultaneously...and will require just as much skill and tenacity. As a boulderer, my usual play here is to...hide...and not come out of my hiding place until the wierd person with the...bumps...and curves...who smells like flowers...has gone away. I believe if you were a sport climber you could strike up a conversation and ask to borrow some mousse...and a trad climber could simply offer a bite of his ham sandwich...but I'm guessing, here.
But really, which climber woman is right for you? Any real Alpine or Ice climbing woman is bound to be like ten times tougher than you, and will regularly chump-up your epic stories without even trying hard. Trad women are fiercely independant, and they aren't interested in any stability like relationships or...bolts and anchors. Female sport climbers posess the most sculpted and tantalizingly perfect phisiques on the planet, but seem to only like pony-tailed Frenchmen named 'Yvonne' who have seemingly been pilfering from David Lee Roth's 1982 orange and lime spandex (with fringe) collection. Bouldering women are as wild and free as the wind, but have the annoying tendency to style your proj and then call you a 'beeatch'...then downclimb...then steal your Clif bar.
Pick your poison, brah...and remember to bring extra batteries for flash photos.
Allez. Loch Ness. Homard.
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climberterp
Jan 29, 2005, 12:07 AM
Post #169 of 977
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dear nOOb
I've been working really hard on my V0- project. Like, I totally spent 2 hours sitting on my pad at the bottom of the boulder just contemplating the moves cuz, like, I definitely want to flash it so I've gotta have my mental strategy prepared before I even touch the rock. The problem is my crash pad still looks shiny and new, so I have nothing to show for all my diligent mental training. Any tips for making it look like I've been bouldering in the mud and then sleeping on it to grind the dirt in real good? I don't want to look like a poseur.
ur the best!
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subtle
Jan 29, 2005, 3:39 PM
Post #170 of 977
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In reply to: The problem is my crash pad still looks shiny and new, so I have nothing to show for all my diligent mental training. Any tips for making it look like I've been bouldering in the mud and then sleeping on it to grind the dirt in real good? I don't want to look like a poseur.
It's going to depend on what sort of boulderer you see yourself evolving into, through time. I realize that this is veering dangerously close to those hellish career guidance counselor moments from high school...but as the G.I. Joe cartoon reminds us...Knowledge is Power. There are really three main schools of thought, the Factory Fresh, the Andy Warhol, and the Life Accessory.
The Factory Fresh is when you roll up to he proj with a pad that's so dazzlingly new and clean that every boulderer within miles instantly starts salivating at the thought of being the first to sample it's virginal surface by greasing off a V0+ onto it's supple and inviting 2 layer foam and bomber ballistic nylon. For maximum effect, have someone dressed head to toe in Cordless logo-wear deliver it to you at the base of the problem, still sealed in plastic wrap and with a big sticker on it that says TEST MODEL -Elite Sponsored Climbers Only on the front. Welcome to RockStar country, my friend! This plays best in ultra-hep areas like Bishop and Hueco, where everybody climbs hard and the guy who pours your latte at Kava has probably got three or four sponsors. Good luck, and I loved your cover photo in last month's Crimp & Pose! Rad!
The Andy Warhol is a good choice for climbers with artistic intent, who have artistic friends...or who have massive amounts of free time and a sharpie magic marker. Basically, just turn your pad into a combination sketchbook/topo/diary/impressionistic oil painting/tick list/manifesto/drawing of a tattoo you're thinking of getting, etc. Some people go for a single bold theme, some people just start in one corner and let 'er rip. There is one significant benefit to a good Andy Warhol, though...nobody is ever going to go "Man, just my luck, three other people with a Misty Magnum with Tupac's face surrounded by the lyrics to Tool's 'Third Eye' and a flaming scorpion clutching Lisa Rands and crushing a can of Red Bull in it's claw...how am I going to ever figure out which one is mine!?!". Not too likely, eh? This tends to suit you well if you are kinda hairy, kinda smelly, and have a name like "Zephyr" and play the flute.
The Life Accessory is the most versatile option, but also in some ways the most difficult to pull off for the casual climber. For example, take my friend Dusty Beekeeper, local legend in Bishop for his hard sends and lack of showers. Dusty sleeps on his pad under the Spectre boulder, eats his breakfast on it, drags it into town where he uses it as a bench to sit on while he has 17 cups of coffee at Kava, takes it to the boulders where he pounds on it all day, rain or shine, then eats dinner on it, smokes various substances on it, plays cards on it, has lurid dreams involving famous female climbers on it, and wakes up spooning with his dog on it the next day. So, in one 24 hour period you have...funky climber bed sweat, jelly donut crumbs, coffee stains, rock abrasion, mud, water damage, chili damage, burn marks, ewwww...bodily fluids...gross, dog hair and more funky climber bed sweat. Given this level of abuse, a week old pad would easily look like John Sherman used it to send Left El Murray in 1941...or was it 1942? Anyhow, this is the preferred option if you don't have a name, live under a boulder, everything you own folds up inside your pad, and climb V12 mostly in sandals.
Allez. Ewwww. Homard.
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smearhound
Jan 29, 2005, 6:04 PM
Post #171 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
I was hanging out at Chelsea Piers waiting for my roller-hockey team last weekend when I saw people climbing on a big wall with lots of colorful pieces of plastic. When I went over to investigate further, I kept bothering the staffperson until he explained what these people were doing. He followed that up with a comment that the only real climbing around the area happens at the Grunks and that you need special equipment. He started to ignore me again so I picked up a magazine about climbing that was on the staff desk and found out that there are lots of stores where you can buy climbing gear, just like that, and they don't even check to see if you're certified. Anyway, I convinced my parents to buy me a bunch of rock climbing gear as an early birthday present (you wouldn't believe how cool that guy at EMS was) and now I want to be a traditional rock climber, because they have all the cool gear, and the rad EMS guy said that that's the best climbing anyway. My mom lent me bus fare to New Platz, so I think I'm ready to for my big day of climbing. The snow and stuff might make it harder, but trad climbers are really tough, as the EMS guy said.
My problem is, I'M A VEGETARIAN. How will I be able to climb Twighlite Zone without the energy-generating properties of the ham sandwich? Will I ever make it to 5.13d/X by February?
Sincerely,
Desperate on the Upper East Side
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maxclimber1w
Jan 29, 2005, 9:23 PM
Post #172 of 977
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Dear N00B,
I have a dilemna. I've been particulary short on women recently, something that led me to put the following classified ad in the last issue of Crimpering.
Tantric funk master (MN/28/5'11"/lean/long hair/PHENOMENAL) seeks polygasmic LoveGoddess(es?) for sustained, high-intensity/low-drama, multidimentional merging sessions. UBlikeMe: healthy, hot, 20-32, rhythmically enabled, yoga/herb-friendly, hi-libido, intelligent, ready-willing and able. Sport climbers welcome.
Its been two weeks and no response! WTF! How can this be? Please help, N00B! My world is crashing down!
-LovelessInSeattle
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subtle
Jan 30, 2005, 11:11 PM
Post #173 of 977
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In reply to: My problem is, I'M A VEGETARIAN. How will I be able to climb Twighlite Zone without the energy-generating properties of the ham sandwich? Will I ever make it to 5.13d/X by February?
You are making the common beginner mistake of not understanding the Ham Sandwich's role in Trad Climbing...it's not merely the calories...or even the mayo...it's the soul, you dig?
Trad is all about soul, brother. In a world where seemingly every other 13 year old is onsighting V11 and people are turning testpieces into trade routes at a dizzying pace...how's your standard 40-something old, been climbing all his life, Jethro Tull t-shirt wearing righteous dude supposed to fit in? I mean, chances are his eyesight is now so bad he can't even see what that dirt-crusted wierdo with the beanie is crimping on, let alone dyno to it from that other alleged hold way over there. Madness, he thinks! That's not climbing! It's...freakshow monkey-chucking! Back in my day, we had HOLDS, dad gum it!
...and just like that, a Trad Climber is born. The Anti-Boulderer. A climber that eschews sharp holds and superglued fingertips for smooth cruising and foot chips you could land a helicopter on. The Ham Sandwich is their defiant statement that this stuff is Easy, and you can take your V12 crux move and shove it, Yo! If you can't eat with one hand and climb with the other, you're obviously just some sort of degenerate spandex-craving sporto-freak.
So, you see, it's not so much that you're eating Ham...it's that you're eating anything on route. If you can somehow throw down a bowl of Miso soup while firing the crux of Astroman, I, and the rest of Camp 4, will buy you a beer...and a Ham Sandwich...we'll eat the sandwich.
Oh, and yeah, you'll easily crank 5.13d/X. I mean, 5.6 isn't that hard, and 5.13 is...like .47 easier...so you'll have no problems.
Allez. Arithmetic. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 31, 2005, 12:30 AM
Post #174 of 977
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In reply to: Tantric funk master (MN/28/5'11"/lean/long hair/PHENOMENAL) seeks polygasmic LoveGoddess(es?) for sustained, high-intensity/low-drama, multidimentional merging sessions. UBlikeMe: healthy, hot, 20-32, rhythmically enabled, yoga/herb-friendly, hi-libido, intelligent, ready-willing and able. Sport climbers welcome. Its been two weeks and no response! WTF! How can this be?
Well, obviously nobody is going to respond to that...sheesh. Let me show you how this looks to your intended audience, and you'll immediately see the problem:
Lie (lie/lie/lie/big lie/fib/scandalous lie) seeks as-if, you wish, ha-ha. Blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever, do de do de do. Sport climbers welcome.
C'mon, man! Nobody likes sport climbers...and sport climbers don't like other sport climbers...it's really a miracle climber/belayer pairs manage to stay together for the 15 minutes it takes to rope up and send, as a matter of fact. There are the usual conflicts, of course...someone ganking your favorite spandex...short-roping your climber on their dead-certain onsight of a killer 5.9- proj...using the last of the mousse, natch.
But don't you ever...ever...out-French someone. The F-Bomb is like the tactical nuke of impressing people at the crag, and should be used with similar concern for the potential results. The worst thing you can ever do to a ponytailed-out Ceuse-wanna-be is trump his "Allez!" with a "Oui! Allez fromage croissant! Homard, eh?" You'll be lucky to escape a severe slap fight, at best.
I'd ditch that line, maybe put in something really smooth like "Ah yees, I am terrebleey new to zees country, I 'ave just arrived from la France and I am seeking nubile partners to climb and make zee sex with. Allez, eh?"
That should work fine.
Allez...Nevermind.
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ajkclay
Jan 31, 2005, 2:13 AM
Post #175 of 977
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Dear nOOb,
I have a problem that I think perhaps you might have come across yourself:
Like you, I already know everything about climbing, trad, sport, aid, bouldering, and the other stuff like alpine (except maybe just a little more), and I also know that everyone wants to be told that they are wrong by someone they don't know on a website...
My problem is this: How do I get the right sort of self-righteous tone in my posts that makes everyone realise that I AM GOD? I have tried and tried, but just can't seem to get it quite right. Do you know any words that I could use that might get me started? How do I amp up my haughtiness?
I know that I should ask everone who posts an opinion for actual documented proof, and then go and spend every waking moment looking for obscure references stating the opposite of what they have said, but where to start? Is there a "self righteous database" or something? Also, do I have to give up all my other hobbies such as socialising with people, having a life and climbing?
Thanking you in advance for this priceless resource,
Sincerely,
Self Important A$$hole.
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subtle
Jan 31, 2005, 2:58 AM
Post #176 of 977
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In reply to: How do I get the right sort of self-righteous tone in my posts that makes everyone realise that I AM GOD? Sincerely, Self Important A$$hole.
Looks good to me, so far.
Allez. Moron.
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ajkclay
Jan 31, 2005, 3:13 AM
Post #177 of 977
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Do I use moron at the end of each post? Or should I mix it up a bit?
Oh, and am I supposed to start with something like "obviously"
Please help, I have read all the climbing books, but they don't seem to help on this bit,
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jefffski
Feb 1, 2005, 7:59 AM
Post #178 of 977
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Posts: 286
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Dear N0ob,
is it okay to wear a thong? if so what brand? Does color matter?
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travelin_light
Feb 1, 2005, 6:08 PM
Post #179 of 977
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Registered: Jan 11, 2004
Posts: 93
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dear NOOB,
what is the protocal for wearing a beanie. one would think that beanies are made for colder temperatures. but i often see climbers (boulderers in particular) wearing beanies with no shirt on. as if their heads are in a perpetual state of hypothermia but their pale bumpy skin remains warm and toastie. sometimes i have often gone months without seeing people remove their beanies, what is the deal. am i just too conservative with my beanie? could get more mileage out it? even in the summer?
thanks NOOB.
your pal,
Charles
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subtle
Feb 1, 2005, 11:14 PM
Post #180 of 977
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In reply to: what is the protocal for wearing a beanie. am i just too conservative with my beanie? could get more mileage out it? even in the summer?
Let me get this straight...you take your beanie...off? As in, 'off your head'? What the hell kind of boulderer are you? No beanie? Didn't you get the memo? Weren't you at the Union Meeting when we...drafted that resolution?
It's like Fight Club, brah, but with fewer rules, since all boulderers have severe ADD and a really bad case of...I forget what I was going to say...nevermind. Anyhow, the rules are:
1. You only talk about boulder problems.
2. You ONLY talk about boulder problems.
3. If someone falls off, can't pimp, the send is over.
4. Two hands on the finish jug.
5. A beanie on, all the time.
6. No shirts, rad shoes.
7. The sesh will go on as long as it has to.
8. If this is your first climb...you have to send.
Have you climbed with Tyler Durden?
Allez. Project Mayhem. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 1, 2005, 11:15 PM
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In reply to: what is the protocal for wearing a beanie. am i just too conservative with my beanie? could get more mileage out it? even in the summer?
Let me get this straight...you take your beanie...off? As in, 'off your head'? What the hell kind of boulderer are you? No beanie? Didn't you get the memo? Weren't you at the Union Meeting when we...drafted that resolution?
It's like Fight Club, brah, but with fewer rules, since all boulderers have severe ADD and a really bad case of...I forget what I was going to say...nevermind. Anyhow, the rules are:
1. You only talk about boulder problems.
2. You ONLY talk about boulder problems.
3. If someone falls off, can't pimp, the send is over.
4. Two hands on the finish jug.
5. A beanie on, all the time.
6. No shirts, rad shoes.
7. The sesh will go on as long as it has to.
8. If this is your first climb...you have to send.
Have you climbed with Tyler Durden?
Allez. Project Mayhem. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 1, 2005, 11:16 PM
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In reply to: what is the protocal for wearing a beanie. am i just too conservative with my beanie? could get more mileage out it? even in the summer?
Let me get this straight...you take your beanie...off? As in, 'off your head'? What the hell kind of boulderer are you? No beanie? Didn't you get the memo? Weren't you at the Union Meeting when we...drafted that resolution?
It's like Fight Club, brah, but with fewer rules, since all boulderers have severe ADD and a really bad case of...I forget what I was going to say...nevermind. Anyhow, the rules are:
1. You only talk about boulder problems.
2. You ONLY talk about boulder problems.
3. If someone falls off, can't pimp, the send is over.
4. Two hands on the finish jug.
5. A beanie on, all the time.
6. No shirts, rad shoes.
7. The sesh will go on as long as it has to.
8. If this is your first climb...you have to send.
Have you climbed with Tyler Durden?
Allez. Project Mayhem. Homard.
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smearhound
Feb 1, 2005, 11:33 PM
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In reply to: Oh, and yeah, you'll easily crank 5.13d/X. I mean, 5.6 isn't that hard, and 5.13 is...like .47 easier...so you'll have no problems.
Thank you, NOOB! You do a great service to all readers of RC.com.
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gunksgoer
Feb 1, 2005, 11:38 PM
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noob, i believe travelin_light is reffering to something i like to call the dave graham syndrome... not taking your beanie off no matter what... (shudder)
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far_east_climber
Feb 2, 2005, 3:00 PM
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Dearest n00b,
What are the origins of the word, "n00b"? I know it is a popularised version of "Newbie", but there must be more.
Enlighten me,
Matthew.
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subtle
Feb 3, 2005, 8:49 PM
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In reply to: What are the origins of the word, "n00b"? I know it is a popularised version of "Newbie", but there must be more.
Oh, there's more all right...
It all started back in the old country with my great, great...truthfully not-so-great...grandfather Johan Fredierich von Huckensticken, the Duke of Noob. He and his brother, the Earl of Noob, fell out over who would tick the FA of the lovely and talented Princess of Thrutchelvania, who was known as much for her rad crimp strength as her dazzling beauty. Matters came to a head at Ye Olde Dyno Comp, when The Earl of Noob sabotaged the Duke of Noob's V.X hucking booties, causing him to grease off the starting holds to the general merriment of the rabble. The Earl then saucily adjusted his woolen Prana lederhosen and declared himself the Grande Champion of the Day, and claimed as his prize the hand in Marriage of the most fair Princess of Thrutchelvania. The Princess replied, as any sensible person should reasonably be able to guess by this point in the story...
STFU, NOOB!
The End.
Allez. They Lived Happily Ever After. Homard.
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saxfiend
Feb 3, 2005, 10:06 PM
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Dear NOOB --
I joined Rockclimbing.com over a month ago, but still haven't accumulated enough posts to have the coveted title of "Boulderer" under my user name. What do I need to do??? Or alternatively, is there some gear I could use to compensate for the shame of having a blank under my name?
Thanks in advance!
Saxfiend
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subtle
Feb 4, 2005, 3:30 PM
Post #188 of 977
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In reply to: I joined Rockclimbing.com over a month ago, but still haven't accumulated enough posts to have the coveted title of "Boulderer" under my user name. What do I need to do??? Or alternatively, is there some gear I could use to compensate for the shame of having a blank under my name?
I think you're looking at this all wrong. At the moment, you're like the cute new co-ed at sorority rush...you're the center of attention, infinitely desirable, and everybody loves you. As soon as you align yourself with one group or another, though...watch out...all of a sudden 90% of the world hates you...and the other 10% is busy trying to steal your boyfriend and talking smack on your 5.8+ sends because you dabbed off the start hold.
Anyhow, since for some silly reason you want to pump up your bouldering street cred, here's how to do it. First, acquire the uniform. $195 multi-colored radically downturned shoes that you will use on V0+ slab problems. Nine pair of identical mega-flared yet bizzarely short ninja-pants made of 'technical fabric'...aka...garbage bag material. Duffle bag sized chalk pot, 50lbs of chalk, and 47 toothbrushes to clean holds with. Prana beanie, natch. Throw away all your shirts...shirts are widely seen as a tool of oppression...fight the power, brah!
Now that you look the part, you must sound the part. There are only three acceptable topics in bouldering conversation:
1. The Proj you're working, complete with move by move beta.
2. Chris Sharma
3. Women who won't sleep with you, and why.
Bonus points are given for combining all three in the same sentence, like so: "So, after the bad sloper you have to, like, totally dyno to this razor-blade crimp, yo, and I'm like, yeah, brah, maybe if I was Sharma, but yo, if I can send, I totally think that hottie from yesterday will get with me...Rad, yo!"
Now that you are blending in seamlessly with the bouldering community, it's time to act the part. This is fairly easy. Go buy a huge crashpad, lug it to the base of a V1+ problem...and sit on it. Occasionally get up and milk the start holds a little, but be sure to sit back down before you accidentally climb the thing. If someone asks why you're just looking at the rock while listening to your headphones, tell them you're waiting for optimal friction.
Aren't we all?
Allez. Homard.
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arjunrattan
Feb 8, 2005, 5:59 AM
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hey noob
after weeks of being a really popular topic i see ASK THE NOOB is now on page two?? wats up with this. its totally uncool! i mean i can feel my climbing go down already, thanks to all the usefull advice i dont seem to be getting. please of protector of noobs, do something. you are our(fellow noobs) only hope. restore ask the NOOB to its former glory! i say this should be made a sticky thread right at the top, considering the wealth of information that lies herein!
as you say. alez, eh!
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all_that_is_rock
Feb 8, 2005, 4:44 PM
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Dear NOOB:
just thought you would like to hear from a satisfied costomer! i started my own diet consisting of raw fish slatherd in mustard and tabasco. the only drawback is the fish goes bad the first day on big wall, but its ok because im a hard man. i recently climbed cerro torre in a day using my 4000 meter rope. i only place one #3 stopper the whole way and it was on the third pitch. i also started to ice climb with bare feet and toothpick in each hand, and i dry tooled an M16 FA on half dome in a blizzard. since im so awsome now I had my name changed to Barron Flawless the Great. we should hook up soon and go base jumping in a lightning storm off the top of an oak tree.
Sincerly: Sir Barron Flawless the Great
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subtle
Feb 8, 2005, 6:36 PM
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It warms my shrunken, no cardio-doing, boulderer heart to see that people like reading Ask The NOOB. We...errr...I...here at Ask The NOOB, Inc. will be rolling out a number of product improvements on a going forward basis to better serve you, the customer. Please take this opportuity to fill out a brief survey, so that your voice can be heard...and...mocked.
Ask The NOOB Quality Control Survey:
I like it best when The NOOB makes fun of:
a. Boulderers
b. Trad Climbers
c. Sport Climbers
d. Aid Climbers
e. All French People
f. Himself
The Cliche that the NOOB should drop first is:
a. Boulderers never have sex (with other people).
b. All sport climbers wear spandex.
c. Trad Climbers only eat Ham Sandwiches.
d. French People are annoying.
e. All of the Above.
I wish the NOOB did more posts about:__________________
If I met the NOOB, I would:
a. Give him a Ham Sandwich
b. Sock him in the nose.
c. Fix him up with my hot friends.
d. Steal his chalk and campus his proj, then call him a Beyotch.
e. All of the above.
Optional 500 Word Essay:
Thank you for your support.
Allez. Homard. Trademark 2004, 2005. NOOBco Industries, LLC.
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jakedatc
Feb 8, 2005, 9:43 PM
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1) a. Boulderers
b. Trad Climbers
2) b. All sport climbers wear spandex.
3) how i can ascent my 10Km peak dammit!
4) d. Steal his chalk and campus his proj, then call him a Beyotch. (been there... done that)
500 word essay to be dictated on next car ride or perhaps i'll pass it in early tonight at that plastic rock land
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all_that_is_rock
Feb 10, 2005, 6:39 AM
Post #193 of 977
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1)keep making fun of those stinky, non armpit shaving frogs.
2)trad climbers only eat ham sandwitches
3)aid climbers, alpine goonies, and ice monkeys ( i myself am guilty)
4) non of the abouve. if i met the noob i would rub him down with dryer sheets then give him a hug. wait hard men dont hug eeergh.
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subtle
Feb 10, 2005, 9:14 PM
Post #194 of 977
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In reply to: Dear noob, what size shoe should I get? It seems like the better climbers like size 9. I really want to be a better climber. Thanks!
Well, you've already hit on the key princple, that gear = sucess...so you're like 96% to sending V14. Here's the scoop for the other 14%, bro, on the reality tip.
Size doesn't mean anything....ahem...as far as climbing shoes, that is. The dirty buggers are totally handmade, and let's just say the quality control is about as good as you would expect from a product manfacturered entirely by boulderers...which is to say...rad, yo! I once had a pair of factory fresh high-strung thoroughbred uber-slippers disintegrate in a cloud of patchouli oil and rubber bits because I looked at them with bad footwork in my soul. The number '9' sewn into the heel could just as easily be an upside down '6'...or a backward 'e'...or all of the above. I hear that both Litz and Kehl wear 9e6 shoes...
There's really only two sizes...'Hurts' and 'I climb for fun!'.
Ice cream and cake in the party room...
Allez. Gangrene. Homard.
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karina
Feb 11, 2005, 7:51 PM
Post #195 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
I've been climbing for a year now and I'm doing spectacular things on 5.7s at my gym. I'm really getting noticed by all the other climbers at the gym. I believe it's time to work on my image. I need a climbing wardrobe overhaul, but I have some questions:
-is it best to wear the most expensive designer clothes you can find? I heard they come with an "instantly better climbing" guarantee.
-should I mix different labels?
Thanks.
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jomal
Feb 11, 2005, 8:32 PM
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Dear n00b,
I was hoping to climb teh Mount K2. I can boulder and climb on rock, and I think I should take the next step. My mom says she'll gve me a ride, and I've already got climbing shoes and a chalkpot. My question is, will ham freeze? And also, is it cold? And where is Mount K2?
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csgambill
Feb 11, 2005, 11:35 PM
Post #197 of 977
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Dear nOOb,
I really want to be a trad climber, but mostly I just want to be cool. I saw an earlier post where you said the key to being good is buy tons of shiny cam and nut things. So I did. I even made some of my own with stuff I bought at the local hardware store and found in my dad's tool shed! Now my question goes like this: I wear my harness everywhere! and I hang all my cam and nut things from it. My principal at my high school says I have to take off my harness because all the stuff could be used as a weapon. But how can I be cool without all my trad stuff? Please help! I just want to be accepted!
Ps. I think my principal may be hitting on me by trying to get me to take off my harness. Should I be concerned?
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naw
Feb 11, 2005, 11:49 PM
Post #198 of 977
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In reply to: Dear n00b, I was hoping to climb teh Mount K2. I can boulder and climb on rock, and I think I should take the next step. My mom says she'll gve me a ride, and I've already got climbing shoes and a chalkpot. My question is, will ham freeze? And also, is it cold? And where is Mount K2?
This is infinitely funnier than a response could ever be.
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subtle
Feb 14, 2005, 1:26 AM
Post #199 of 977
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In reply to: Dear n00b, I was hoping to climb teh Mount K2. I can boulder and climb on rock, and I think I should take the next step. My mom says she'll gve me a ride, and I've already got climbing shoes and a chalkpot. My question is, will ham freeze? And also, is it cold? And where is Mount K2?
Wow...just...sheesh, wow.
Allez. Wow. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 14, 2005, 1:54 AM
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In reply to: Dear nOOb, I really want to be a trad climber, but mostly I just want to be cool. I saw an earlier post where you said the key to being good is buy tons of shiny cam and nut things. So I did. I even made some of my own with stuff I bought at the local hardware store and found in my dad's tool shed! Now my question goes like this: I wear my harness everywhere! and I hang all my cam and nut things from it. My principal at my high school says I have to take off my harness because all the stuff could be used as a weapon. But how can I be cool without all my trad stuff? Please help! I just want to be accepted! Ps. I think my principal may be hitting on me by trying to get me to take off my harness. Should I be concerned?
You have a number of issues, there, friend...but fortunately I have a lot of free time...so let's work through this...I got your spot, brah.
Firstly, any trad rack that you can wear for very long without sustaining some sort of hideous explosive groiny-pully type injury just isn't awfully impressive. A proper trad rack should require some sort of cart to pull along beind you...or a...burro...perhaps two burros and a...sherpa. Anyway, if you aren't rolling 50 cams deep, you're not going to get into the Trad Climber VIP room at Da Club, y'heard?
Secondly, could your rack be used as a weapon? C'mon now, like any self-respecting traddie would dare risk sproinging a trigger cable off his belolved #6 C4...to say nothing of the fact that each of your pieces of pro is so dear to you it probably has it's own name. Would Shelia the tri-cam ever hurt anyone? Of course not...
So, then, is your principal trying to hit on you...and the answer is almost certainly...yes. As we well know, trad folk are the coolest, sexiest and most virile of all the climber tribes...we know this...because they tell us all the time. Perhaps your principal is attracted to the intoxicating aroma of ham sandwich and all-day shoe funk...who can say? Regardless, you will have to learn to deal with this eventually, since as a trad climber you have a long future ahead of you of breaking hearts and hauling jugs. Tell your principal the truth...that your heart is spoken for...by 140 feet of perfect splitter with bomber placements.
He'll understand...
Allez. Heartbreak. Homard.
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dirtineye
Feb 14, 2005, 2:03 AM
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Dear N00b,
It is with the greatest decorum that I write to you this day, and I hope that what I have to say will not offend you in any way, or I will have to fall upon my ham sandwich.
But I have noticed that there is a chink in your formerly immacualte armor of n00bism. You may be slipping a little. Sadly, you have failed to answer a very important question posed in the most respectful way. So I would ask it again in hope of receiving the gift of your ultimate knowledge:
Will ham freeze?
This question gnaws at the hearts of seasoned trad climbers everywhere. We fear to trad into the unknown realm of sub 40 degree weather, even with hand warmers, unless we can be sure that OUR PRECIOUS HAM SANDWICHES WILL REMAIN PURE AND UNSULLIED.
We await your answer, with tricams dangling, oh great one.
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happiegrrrl
Feb 14, 2005, 2:50 AM
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Dear N00b,
In the book "Between a Rock and a Hard Place," the author refers to the rubber of his climbing shoes blowing out as "gear failure." I wish I could remember the mileage said shoes had at the time of catastrophe, but it wasn't very much. I think the catastrophe occurred while he was on one of his first multipitch climbs.
Proof that the shoe construction is defective was obvious because he said BOTH shoes wore through at nearly the same rate. Obviously, the material isn't suitable for normal wear and tear......
If a professional climber(he has written a book, after all) espouses that the rubber on climbing shoes is not of sufficient quality to take a regular amount of use - why are all the weekend warriors telling us that it is OUR fault that our shoes don't hold up? Is this some sort of insider's joke, or something?
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subtle
Feb 14, 2005, 2:36 PM
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In reply to: Dear N00b, Will ham freeze?
Truly, a question for the ages. I shall meditate on it during my voyage of introspection and enlightenment (aka, week-long business trip to...errr....Houston). I hope to have a worthy answer when I return.
Allez. Road trip. Homard.
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jackhammer
Feb 14, 2005, 2:43 PM
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Dear n00b,
I know that when Climbing, it is better to look good then to feel good. It is with this in mind that I ask...what are the fashion do's and not do's of climbing?
Fernando's Hidaway!!
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aikibujin
Feb 16, 2005, 2:47 AM
Post #205 of 977
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In reply to: Will ham freeze? This question gnaws at the hearts of seasoned trad climbers everywhere. We fear to trad into the unknown realm of sub 40 degree weather, even with hand warmers, unless we can be sure that OUR PRECIOUS HAM SANDWICHES WILL REMAIN PURE AND UNSULLIED.
Of course ham will freeze. It's just sandwich meat, not some self-warming radioactive superman food.
The secret is not in hand warmers, but in Ham Warmers (© 2005).
My company, Chesapeake Culinary Ham (CCH for short), makes them.
We also make a Ham Warmer Hybrid (patent pending) which can be used both for your hands and your ham sandwiches. Most retailers can back order them for you.
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dirtineye
Feb 16, 2005, 3:04 AM
Post #206 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: Will ham freeze? This question gnaws at the hearts of seasoned trad climbers everywhere. We fear to trad into the unknown realm of sub 40 degree weather, even with hand warmers, unless we can be sure that OUR PRECIOUS HAM SANDWICHES WILL REMAIN PURE AND UNSULLIED. Of course ham will freeze. It's just sandwich meat, not some self-warming radioactive superman food. The secret is not in hand warmers, but in Ham Warmers (© 2005). My company, Chesapeake Culinary Ham (CCH for short), makes them. We also make a Ham Warmer Hybrid (patent pending) which can be used both for your hands and your ham sandwiches. Most retailers can back order them for you.
Indeed this is encouraging news, but, if I may point out a rather obvious fact, YOU are not The N00b, from whom all climbing wisdom flows, and so, I must wait for His opinion on the matter before taking action.
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aikibujin
Feb 16, 2005, 3:17 AM
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In reply to: Indeed this is encouraging news, but, if I may point out a rather obvious fact, YOU are not The N00b, from whom all climbing wisdom flows, and so, I must wait for His opinion on the matter before taking action.
Yes, that fact is very much obvious to me. I wasn't trying to replace the N00b, merely trying to sell a (very good) product, and make a honest living.
I await the N00b's endorsement of our company. I think CCH can even offer him sponsorship, if he ever trade-in his beanie for a ham sandwich.
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dirtineye
Feb 16, 2005, 3:26 AM
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In reply to: In reply to: Indeed this is encouraging news, but, if I may point out a rather obvious fact, YOU are not The N00b, from whom all climbing wisdom flows, and so, I must wait for His opinion on the matter before taking action. Yes, that fact is very much obvious to me. I wasn't trying to replace the N00b, merely trying to sell a (very good) product, and make a honest living. I await the N00b's endorsement of our company. I think CCH can even offer him sponsorship, if he ever trade-in his beanie for a ham sandwich.
Well if The Noob DOES wish to doff his beanie for a moment and partake of the obscene pleasures of roped climbing, I myself would be more than happy to provide the means.
BUT, in my experience, true bearie wearing boulderers NEVER remove their beanies, and they begin to shake uncontrollably if they ever get more than 8 feet off the ground and can see no tick mark, feel no chalk, and hear no shout's of, "COMEON!!!!!1111". Plus, I think the rope attached to them woudl freak em oout. they would probably try to chew through it.
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viciado
Feb 16, 2005, 10:16 AM
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dirtineye wrote:
In reply to: Plus, I think the rope attached to them woudl freak em oout. they would probably try to chew through it.
Kinda like an animal in a leg- hold trap? Would they actually chew their legs off to get out of the harness? Or is that for an "imarealmantrad" climber?
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subtle
Feb 18, 2005, 6:40 PM
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In reply to: dirtineye wrote: In reply to: Plus, I think the rope attached to them woudl freak em oout. they would probably try to chew through it. Kinda like an animal in a leg- hold trap? Would they actually chew their legs off to get out of the harness? Or is that for an "imarealmantrad" climber?
No lie, this is shockingly close to the truth. I actually start to chafe in strange places just looking at my harness...or 'man diaper', as I generally refer to it. Leading is great fun up until the first bolt, because you can pretend that you're bouldering. As soon as I clip in, though, I instantly start to sweat and shake. By the second bolt I'm typically gagging on bile, audibly whimpering, and begging for the warm embrace of my sweet, sweet crashpad. You'd think that at the third bolt I'd simultaneously soil my prana pants and explode in a fireball of spontaneous combustion...but I've never made it to the third bolt on any route, so I've been spared the embarassment.
...so far.
Allez. Ham Answer Soon. Homard
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subtle
Feb 21, 2005, 12:55 AM
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In reply to: Will ham freeze?
A little background: Normally, I answer people's questions while listening to A Perfect Circle CDs and swilling Diet Coke. Maynard James Keenan and about 2,000mg of caffeine is just the ticket for recombining rad, yo!, and pimp into new and interesting sentences...also for getting the shakes, freaking out, and accusing your cat of 'giving you the eye'...but I digress.
For this query...truly the Question for The Ages...I adopted a different approach. I pulled on my finest prana beanie...the one I was saving for my wedding day...and sank into a deep meditative state in front of my TV and encyclopedic collection of climbing movies. Somewhere between watching Sharma's FA of the Mandala for the 573rd time and Jason Kehl's 57432nd apocalyptic dyno-stab banshee-wail...I had the answer.
Ham can freeze. This is an obvious scientific fact. The true measure of a Trad Climber's trancendant spirituality is to be in such perfect synchronicity with nature, the universe...and yes, their ham sandwich...that they are also freezing at the same rate and therefore are unable to tell. At the Jedi-Master Uber-Zen Limit, one should be able to serenely gnaw away at a sammich that Will Gadd would happily use as a tool placement on any given M13...and smile through your crunchy tooth nubs all the while.
Allez. Yes, mustard freezes, too. Homard.
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feral_raccoon
Feb 21, 2005, 3:33 AM
Post #212 of 977
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Oh mighty Noob with your wise and sage-like pearls of wisdom, I come to you with a question on etiquette. My partner and I are both very silly girls who like to wear pink halter-tops and flouncy shorts, and jump up on the most insanely hard-looking climbs we can find then let out streams of obscenities while drinking cytomax-tequilla just because we find it all hilariously funny. The problem is that we frequently grievously insult other climbers. For example, if there are girls wearing their gramdma’s sweat-pants instead of prana or patagucci we politely tell them it is one thing to be a silly cow, but to look like a silly cow is entirely unforgivable. We constantly stuff our faces with slim-jims and cold meat, and when we spy people of possible French descent we yell “Voila Froggies!” and drop rocks on their head.
Is this type of behavior wrong?
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dirtineye
Feb 21, 2005, 3:49 AM
Post #213 of 977
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In reply to: Oh mighty Noob with your wise and sage-like pearls of wisdom, I come to you with a question on etiquette. My partner and I are both very silly girls who like to wear pink halter-tops and flouncy shorts, and jump up on the most insanely hard-looking climbs we can find then let out streams of obscenities while drinking cytomax-tequilla just because we find it all hilariously funny. The problem is that we frequently grievously insult other climbers. For example, if there are girls wearing their gramdma?s sweat-pants instead of prana or patagucci we politely tell them it is one thing to be a silly cow, but to look like a silly cow is entirely unforgivable. We constantly stuff our faces with slim-jims and cold meat, and when we spy people of possible French descent we yell ?Voila Froggies!? and drop rocks on their head. Is this type of behavior wrong?
Dear N00b,
Can you introduce me to these girls? Maybe since you are a famous internet rock climbing personality, you could get us a double date? I'va always wanted to stuff my face with rocks and throw slim jims at frenchmen.
I think we havea lot in common, I am already good at insulting people!
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gunksgoer
Feb 21, 2005, 5:26 AM
Post #214 of 977
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In reply to: Secondly, could your rack be used as a weapon? C'mon now, like any self-respecting traddie would dare risk sproinging a trigger cable off his belolved #6 C4....
thats what hexes are foor dude :twisted:
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seagypsy
Feb 21, 2005, 5:43 AM
Post #215 of 977
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[quote="dirtineye"][quote="feral_raccoon"]
Dear N00b,
Can you introduce me to these girls? Maybe since you are a famous internet rock climbing personality, you could get us a double date? I'va always wanted to stuff my face with rocks and throw slim jims at frenchmen.
I think we havea lot in common, I am already good at insulting people!
I regret that Feral_Raccoon and I are unable to double date at this time as I am grounded from dating for the next 6 months due to spetacularily bad judgment...but this would not preclude snogging in a dark dank offwidth somewhere. Last time feral_raccoon and I double dated we comported ourselves like shit flinging howler monkeys and ran off the 2 nice young men from Boulder. If you want a date with my climbing partner Feral_Raccon, I would sell her to you for $2000 and a fistful of slimjims.
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subtle
Feb 21, 2005, 6:18 PM
Post #216 of 977
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In reply to: Oh mighty Noob with your wise and sage-like pearls of wisdom, I come to you with a question on etiquette. My partner and I are both very silly girls who like to wear pink halter-tops and flouncy shorts, and jump up on the most insanely hard-looking climbs we can find then let out streams of obscenities while drinking cytomax-tequilla just because we find it all hilariously funny. The problem is that we frequently grievously insult other climbers. For example, if there are girls wearing their gramdma’s sweat-pants instead of prana or patagucci we politely tell them it is one thing to be a silly cow, but to look like a silly cow is entirely unforgivable. We constantly stuff our faces with slim-jims and cold meat, and when we spy people of possible French descent we yell “Voila Froggies!” and drop rocks on their head. Is this type of behavior wrong?
If it's wrong, I don't want to be right.
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 21, 2005, 7:52 PM
Post #217 of 977
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In reply to: Dear n00b, I know that when Climbing, it is better to look good then to feel good. It is with this in mind that I ask...what are the fashion do's and not do's of climbing?
You know, I was just about to launch into my usual canned rant about spandex wearing sportos, trad guys with ham sandwich pockets in their overalls, and boulderers that have more beanies than underwear...but then I realized...none of this is true any more. I have been living...and typing...a lie. Climbing fashon has...gasp!...apparently passed me by. In an effort to re-hip myself to the pulse of the sport, I stopped hanging out with actual climbers and instead bought a bunch of glossy magazines featuring dozens of 'lifestyle ads' and the occasional shot of Dai Koyamada campusing 5.14c mono-projects. Here's the beta, Yo.
1. Urban Pimp is the New Granola Crunchie: Lose the nappy dreads and birkenstocks, brah, the dope shizzle for 2005 is some italian pinstripe climbing pants and a backward kangol. Bonus points for some sort of mega-tight shirt of some exotic material like silk...or polyester. If you don't look like Tony Montana, you ain't gonna climb like Tony Montana, mang...if he climbed...which...he didn't.
2. There isn't any VIP Room in your Westfalia Van, Bro: Since you now look like you climb V10...or are a gigolo...it's time to really distance yourself from the rest of the unwashed, unsponsored masses. Back in the day, you'd camp out with everybody else at the crag and enjoy the warm feeling of community...but no more. Now you have to spraylord all of the restricted access stuff you did, to reinforce your alpha-boulderer cred and justify that...polyester shirt. Like so: "Word, yo, I was working this ill proj at the secret spot...and it goes at like V17...so we all pile up into the Viper Room...and Carmine Electra is there and she, like, digs my shirt...and asks for my number, yo! Rad!"
3. It's all about the Accessories: This has more or less always been the case in such a gear-intensive sport. The only difference now is instead of a duffel bag full of chalk and six different kinds of finger tape, it's having the same $150 shoes as your idol and real-time text messaging your posse about your latest V2- testpiece send. Bonus points for video mail. Double bonus points for photoshopping in Chris Sharma.
I'd gladly tell you more, except Paris Hilton just showed up with the Cristal and I gots to jet, yo. Audi...
Allez. Poseur. Homard.
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dirtineye
Feb 21, 2005, 8:03 PM
Post #218 of 977
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[quote="seagypsy"][quote="dirtineye"]In reply to: Dear N00b, Can you introduce me to these girls? Maybe since you are a famous internet rock climbing personality, you could get us a double date? I'va always wanted to stuff my face with rocks and throw slim jims at frenchmen. I think we havea lot in common, I am already good at insulting people! I regret that Feral_Raccoon and I are unable to double date at this time as I am grounded from dating for the next 6 months due to spetacularily bad judgment...but this would not preclude snogging in a dark dank offwidth somewhere. Last time feral_raccoon and I double dated we comported ourselves like s--- flinging howler monkeys and ran off the 2 nice young men from Boulder. If you want a date with my climbing partner Feral_Raccon, I would sell her to you for $2000 and a fistful of slimjims.
seagypsy,
I regret to inform you that judging by the sound if it I am old enough to be your grandfather, unless you are grounded by one of your other personalities or your husband, and in any of those cases, I still could be old enough to be your father, and would not be interested, especially if more than one of those voices did the grounding. Besides, I don't have a clue as to what snogging is, and I probably would not be any good at it.
However if Feral Raccon is over 30, has had her shots (racoons carry rabies you know) loves dirt that falls from the sky, gives good belay, and we can negotiate on the price, I might be interested. How bout forget the cash and go for the slim jims?
And if it came right down to actual dating, like most guy climbers, I talk big, but I'd probably run like hell. Women scare me.
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justafurnaceman
Feb 22, 2005, 12:23 AM
Post #219 of 977
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HHEEELLLPPPP!!!!
nOOb! I have a problem! I've only been climbing a couple of yrs and have been doing pretty good. I started out on TR then finally branched out into sport. But now to the problem. These past few wks. I've been drawn to ham sandwhiches. What has become of me!! I don't know what to do! You have given me such great advice in the past so that's why I came to you.
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akclimber
Feb 22, 2005, 12:50 AM
Post #220 of 977
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Dear n00b,
You have got that totally RAD climbing lingo (did i get it right?) How do I learn that shiznit (oooo, im on a role)? Do I have to hang around bolderers?
Please help, I can't ever send a v15 if I dont know it....
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sactownclimber
Feb 22, 2005, 1:21 AM
Post #221 of 977
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Dear nOOb:
I have been thinking about getting in to trad climbing, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice about what kind of gear to buy. I've read lots of forums where people argue about Camalots versus Friends versus Aliens, etc., but I was hoping you could give me some insights in to the finer points of selecting gear for my rack. I was thinking about the following:
* Blue through Red CCH Aliens
* .5 - 6 BD C4's
* BD Anodized Stoppers
* BD Wired Hexes
Is this good or do I need more?
--J
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gblauer
Moderator
Feb 22, 2005, 1:42 AM
Post #222 of 977
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Dear nOOb,
Someone told me that if you inhale lots of helium from your kid's birthday party balloons you could float up climbs. I am getting a terrible headache from all the helium and my kids keep asking for their balloons and I am not climbing any better.
What am I doing wrong?
sincerely,
Big headache in the city of brotherly love
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subtle
Feb 22, 2005, 2:08 AM
Post #223 of 977
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In reply to: Dear nOOb: I was hoping you could give me some insights in to the finer points of selecting gear for my rack. I was thinking about the following: * Blue through Red CCH Aliens * .5 - 6 BD C4's * BD Anodized Stoppers * BD Wired Hexes Is this good or do I need more?
Oh, c'mon now, have you not been paying attention?
Your gear list, while well thought out and of uniformly high quality, is woefully...brief. Seriously, brah, you're not going to impress anyone at the crag unless you need a 60 minute break and supplemental oxygen after your third trip back to the car to bring 'The rest of the cams...err...the rest of the small cams...err...the rest of the small BD cams...anyone want to help? I only have...196 or so...'
I mean, you're going to use up most of your rack in the first five feet or so, leaving you a moderate 120 foot run-out and one micro-cam and a nut made of gum and a shoelace for your belay anchor. Sure...I'd climb on it...but I'm a boulderer and we aren't generally that picky about pro.
So, trad up, yo. Sell your car or a...kidney or something...and get thee to the gear store. Heck, buy a few extra tri-widgets and medium brother hex pitons, just in case...
...you can never be too safe.
Allez. Equalized. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 22, 2005, 2:20 AM
Post #224 of 977
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In reply to: These past few wks. I've been drawn to ham sandwhiches. What has become of me!! I don't know what to do! You have given me such great advice in the past so that's why I came to you.
Hmmm, you claim to have followed my past advice and are still mysteriously...alive...hmmm...got to be some serious odds against that. Anyway...
The call of the ham sandwich is difficult to explain. I maintain, along with several noted philosophers, circus freaks and assorted other deviants, that the Ham Sandy is the soul of the Trad Climber. The abilty to simultaneously work a solid 5.6- proj and drop crumbs on other climbers is a seminal part of the freedom and majesty that is Trad. That, and everybody loves ham. Even vegans. It's like catnip.
Pehaps you are a trad climber at heart. Do you ever secretly fondly cams? Have you ever gazed longingly at a set of...man, I don't want to type this...nuts? Have you ever felt an unbearable lightness that could only be cured by hauling 50lbs of slung goodies up a stout 5.4+ lifetime proj...er...jug haul?
It could be for you, you never know. Well, I do...but I'm not telling.
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 22, 2005, 2:44 AM
Post #225 of 977
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In reply to: Someone told me that if you inhale lots of helium from your kid's birthday party balloons you could float up climbs. I am getting a terrible headache from all the helium and my kids keep asking for their balloons and I am not climbing any better. What am I doing wrong?
Hmmm, tough to tell with such a well thought out a plan. Fortunately, I live right near MIT...and although I don't actually know anything about science...there's got to be some residual unused smartness floating around here, somewhere. Let me just put on my thinking beanie...
My guess is that the helium is negatively affecting your throateruis dynopimpimus muscles...more commonly known as the 'Bzzzzat! Muscle'. I mean, if Jason Kehl has taught us anything...other than to be afraid of strangers and dark alleys, natch...it's that to go big you need to scream big. Really big. Really really big. And there you are, all hopped up on helium, trying to throw for some desperate V1+ crux move...and what comes out? Some anorexic micro-squeak?
Tsk, tsk...it won't do.
I'd save your inventory of strange gas-filled balloons for the next Dead concert and instead work on a few practical grunts, shrieks, and miscelleous profanity bombs to tactically delploy during hard moves, easy warm ups...and when walking to the water cooler.
I mean, if you crack open your next Red Bull with a solid "Aiiieeeee, Bzzzzat!...Yeah, Beyotch!"...well, see you in the climbing magazines.
We're ready for your closeup.
Allez. China Cat Sunflower. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 22, 2005, 3:07 AM
Post #226 of 977
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In reply to: Dear n00b, You have got that totally RAD climbing lingo (did i get it right?) How do I learn that shiznit (oooo, im on a role)? Do I have to hang around bolderers? Please help, I can't ever send a v15 if I dont know it....
Well, since lack of vocabulary is probably the only thing keeping you from sending V15...I'll do what I can.
Your basic vocab list:
Steezos - style
Rad - radical
Pimp - any guy cooler than you
This Piece - here, wherever here is at the moment
Subtle - the opposite of Agro
Yo - use it like a period at the end of a sentence
Styley - utilizing excessive steezos
Brah - and guy approximately as cool as you
Gumb - any guy less cool than you
Agro - the opposite of subtle
Mad - crazy
Dope - cool
Radge Ish - hard climbing on sick problems. ex, Sharma
Can you use them all in a sentence? You bet!
Word, brah, I was up in this rad styley piece with this agro gumb and some subtle pimp who was working this mad radge ish with the dope steezos, yo.
V15, here you come...Pimp.
Allez. Homard.
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cor
Feb 22, 2005, 9:21 PM
Post #227 of 977
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it is not the symble but the higher quality desin and matereals that will help you climb a grade harder
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sactownclimber
Feb 22, 2005, 10:03 PM
Post #228 of 977
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In reply to: it is not the symble but the higher quality desin and matereals that will help you climb a grade harder
Let the flaming begin . . .
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subtle
Feb 22, 2005, 10:08 PM
Post #229 of 977
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In reply to: it is not the symble but the higher quality desin and matereals that will help you climb a grade harder
Frankly, I'm not so sure what to do with this one. Try as I might, I can't find a shoe question, ham sandwich reference, or veiled boulderer insult in there...anywhere. It's the ultimate tabula rasa, smooth surface no-friction slab of a post that we've all been dreading, nay fearing, all these years...The quasi-literate Loch Ness Sasquatch...it lives!
I will do the sensible thing for once...I'm gonna ignore it.
Allez. (not looking) Homard.
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viciado
Feb 23, 2005, 2:37 PM
Post #230 of 977
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In reply to: it is not the symble but the higher quality desin and matereals that will help you climb a grade harder
Dear NoOb,
I am not sure, but I think what this humble boulderer (oxymoron) was trying to ask is whether the use of certain gear in a certain way makes it possible to climb the same grade but harder? For example, if I don't use a mis-matched pair of uber edgers and super smears but instead use my grandmas high tech name brand tennies and forego the use of chalk (fear), go bare headed (gasp), and put tape over the prana label on my shorts, can I safely say that my V0- project is really a V5? I mean I would be working with various dis-advantages involving style, ego, gear, and proper diet.
I do not doubt your wisdom nor do I put into question your noobdom. I simply ask the question that was perceived as unasked in the aforementioned post.
With Thanks,
Viciado
Suba. Lagosta.
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subtle
Feb 23, 2005, 3:40 PM
Post #231 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: it is not the symble but the higher quality desin and matereals that will help you climb a grade harder I am not sure, but I think what this humble boulderer (oxymoron) was trying to ask is whether the use of certain gear in a certain way makes it possible to climb the same grade but harder? For example, if I don't use a mis-matched pair of uber edgers and super smears but instead use my grandmas high tech name brand tennies and forego the use of chalk (fear), go bare headed (gasp), and put tape over the prana label on my shorts, can I safely say that my V0- project is really a V5? I mean I would be working with various dis-advantages involving style, ego, gear, and proper diet. I do not doubt your wisdom nor do I put into question your noobdom. I simply ask the question that was perceived as unasked in the aforementioned post.
Here at Ask The NOOB Incorpororated, we are all about asking the unasked questions...and eating the uneaten ham sandwiches...so I do appreciate your no-doubt highly accurate interpretation of the underlying meaning of that somewhat...illiterately cryptic...initial post. RC.com...nay, the world...is in your debt.
The solution to the somewhat vexing problem of assessing the relative dope-ness of your send is to adopt a standardized set of modifiers, as determined by the best local ethics. Something...like this:
Modifiers to V-Grade of a Problem:
Less than 3 pieces of LogoWear (tm) +1
No beanie +2
Ugly beanie +0.5
Sent using good climber beta -0.5
Sent using beta from annoying gumb +1
Sent using Ask The NOOB beta +3
Sent using bad shoes +0.5
Sent using no shoes +1.5
Sent using snow shoes +5
Problem is in a gym -0.5
Problem is in not in a gym...on...a rock? +0.5
Sent after 1 Red Bull -0.5
Sent after 5 Red Bulls -3
Sent after giant philly cheesesteak +1.5
Sent during giant philly cheesesteak +3
Sent in presence of hot member of opposite sex +1
Downclimbed +0.5
Campused +1
Use of needless profanity -1
Use of deserved profanity +1
Good spotters -1
Sleeping/passed out spotters +1
Your dog is the spotter +0.5
So, as you can see, you may have either just climbed a V13 or a...-V4...it can really all depend. Cheer up, though...if you did just send a -V4, chances are it'll eventually get downrated to...-V5? Sweet!
Allez. (+1) Homard (+1)
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irontom
Feb 23, 2005, 9:28 PM
Post #232 of 977
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I should start by pointing out that I'm asking this question on behalf of my younger brother who is a great admirer of your work (he would ask himself but he is not allowed to use the Internet after the 'naked woman incident').
My brother is 10 but wants to be the best climber in the world when he is older and he wants advice on how to achieve this goal. He has already started using all the rad lingo (although not at the dinner table, my parents aren't too happy about him declaring he "wants to follow in the finger jams of his favourite dope pimps like Sharma") but he needs advice on what else he should do.
What diet should he follow, what exercise regime should he use, should he bother going to school or should he spend all his time working his project?
He also thinks his main problem is that on his measly pocket money he can't afford all the mad names on his clothes that he obviously needs if he ever going to send his project(or even better someone else's), would it be acceptable for him to write these names on his clothes with a pen, it would look like he was wearing the right gear and isn't that what matters?
Also what would be the best way for him to deal with the big kids at school who give him agro and call him 'monkey boy'?
He is awaiting your answer as eagerly as he awaits Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, can you help him?
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samshafer
Feb 24, 2005, 10:34 AM
Post #233 of 977
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Posts: 127
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Dear Noob,
I think the time is right for you to go syndicated...I'm talkin' best-selling book, Newspaper column, radio, TV. I can see it now, following in the footsteps of Dear Abby, giving advice to the forlorn uncool wannabe climbers thru-out the universe (or university, whichever).
I know that you've helped me become as cool as any California gay boulder-boy 'cuz now I know how to use "rad", "pimp" & "gumby" in a non-sentence. I'm throwing out all my sloppy Wal-Mart sweats & ratty T-shirts (leaving me virtually naked) & ordering the rad wardrobe you recommended. Unfortunately they don't sell beanies in Wyo, only cowboy hats or baseball caps.
But there's still hope; using "The Modifiers" I now see that I was really a 5.12 climber all those years that I fought my way up those gnarly approaches. No more of the adipose vs gravity struggle for me! But is it really my lack of wardrobe or is it the total absence of sliced swine luncheon meat in my sandwich? I am left to ponder...(or right to ponder?)
Now I must ask for one more bit of life-changing advice: Obviously, a soon-to-be cool non-bouldering Gumb like me cannot continue to use his real name for a Username on RC. All the cool names must surely be taken by now so what's a gumb to do to become pimp (or is it rad?). Would a better Username git me an invite to double date w/ Feral Raccoon or only make me want to take up bouldering?
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granite_grrl
Feb 24, 2005, 12:11 PM
Post #234 of 977
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Dear Noob,
All this wardrobe talk has got me thinking....I'm a Canadian, and as a Canadian its much easier to get my hands on a toque sporting a hockey team logo rather than the ideal Prana beanie.
Originally, I though this added a distinctive Canadian flare to my sends, but could this be the real reason why I can’t break the V1 barrier?
Please help!
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arun
Feb 24, 2005, 1:36 PM
Post #235 of 977
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Posts: 50
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Whats NOOB stand for then?
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subtle
Feb 24, 2005, 6:14 PM
Post #236 of 977
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In reply to: Would a better Username git me an invite to double date w/ Feral Raccoon or only make me want to take up bouldering?
Hmmmm, since as a boulderer my idea of a scorchingly hot date is accidentally over-spotting a random married woman or...nun...at the gym...I probably shouldn't be answering this one. But, since prudency and/or sensibility are not my trademarks, I will.
Yeh, bro, you definately need a new user name. If you were a salty old-school, RC.com OG circa 1982 vintage member (when you had to post via punch cards and magnetic tape), you could just use your first name and be all Madonna about things. Failing that, you could go with some clever play on what type of climbing you prefer...ClipOrWhip, CrashPadder, IceToolz or HamSandy both identify your speciality, and are darn cool, to boot. My name, for example, comes from the west coast boulderer slang 'Subtle, yo!' to encourage smooth climber movement.
You, on the other hand, have a very specific target for your name choice...a date with the legendary Feral Raccoon. I'd suggest going with something vaguely complimentary...because IHateRaccoons probably isn't going to get it done. FeralBadger? CrimpingRaccoon? V2+Marmoset? ThrutchLemur? Ahhh, how about...
UberCoolRabidV17DynoPimpJerboa
I'll book your reservation at Chateau Romance...table for two...
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 27, 2005, 4:26 AM
Post #237 of 977
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In reply to: I'm a Canadian, and as a Canadian its much easier to get my hands on a toque sporting a hockey team logo rather than the ideal Prana beanie. Originally, I though this added a distinctive Canadian flare to my sends, but could this be the real reason why I can’t break the V1 barrier?
Ok, firstly...toque? Toque? Seriously, who talks like that?
Anyhow, down to business. In order to diagnose your inability to send V1, let's review the popular sterotypes of Canadians...since that's how we Americans typically keep track of all you wierd foreigners. If you're anything like the Canadians...on TV...you are probably hockey obsessed, drink lots of beer, are a Mountie and ride a horse, say 'eh' a lot and love nationalized healthcare. None of this stuff helps, to be honest. Look at your typical American...massively self-absorbed, short attention span, prone to aggressive behavior, with a genetically programmed need to be better at meaningless things than other people...sheesh...given all that, it's certainly not surprising that we have 10 year olds sending V10...it's frankly amazing they all aren't.
So, as a Citizen of the Island of Canadia, what can you do to overcome your hideous natural disadvantages? I suppose I could give you some advice on diet, training, and overall motivation...like any of that stuff ever helped anybody. No, I'd recommend a far more logical approach...Go Metric. Nobody down here has any idea what any of those euro-styley faux-measurements are all about. So, when you're projecting some savage V2- and you can't pull off the ground...just scratch your head through your 'Leafs...gag...toque...and say "V2-...I dunno...back home this'd be a solid 9 Centimeter Kilo-grade." Every American within earshot will get all glassy-eyed...some may even fall into a math-induced stupor.
Because you know we Americans can't do math...
Allez. Kilo-Pimp. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 27, 2005, 4:40 AM
Post #238 of 977
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In reply to: Whats NOOB stand for then?
I'll let you pick:
a) Sage guru who conceals his wisdom under a thin veneer of insanity and rabid foaming incompetence.
b) Big ball 'O Sexy!
c) World's best V0+ Climber.
d) All of the above.
e) None of the above.
Allez. Essay Question. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 27, 2005, 5:25 AM
Post #239 of 977
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In reply to: My brother is 10 but wants to be the best climber in the world when he is older and he wants advice on how to achieve this goal. He has already started using all the rad lingo (although not at the dinner table, my parents aren't too happy about him declaring he "wants to follow in the finger jams of his favourite dope pimps like Sharma") but he needs advice on what else he should do. What diet should he follow, what exercise regime should he use, should he bother going to school or should he spend all his time working his project? He also thinks his main problem is that on his measly pocket money he can't afford all the mad names on his clothes that he obviously needs if he ever going to send his project(or even better someone else's), would it be acceptable for him to write these names on his clothes with a pen, it would look like he was wearing the right gear and isn't that what matters?
We at NOOBCo Industries feel that your brother would be a great candidate for our new climbing makover show Pimp My NOOB. We take a normal climber...sheesh, there's a contradiction in terms...and with help of our team of experts, totally re-vamp them into a freakish parody of what the mainstream thinks is cool and acceptable.
The Pimp My NOOB Team:
Dave Graham - Diet and Nutrition
Nate Gold - Grooming
Jason Kehl - Vocal Coach
Joe Kinder - Pimp Steezos
(Note: Actual Pimp My NOOB Team members may vary due to scheduling constraints, sponsor demands, the fact that we didn't tell any of them, and other assorted excuses to be named later.)
The Pimp My NOOB team will...hopefully...return your brother sporting the latest rad styles from DopeGun, Flasher, and Blerrr. He'll be the talk of the crag with his color-coordinated bling-ed out ninja pants and kangol beanie...to say nothing of his full-back tribal tatts and uber-downturned gangrene-inducing V19 shoes, complete with rubber so sticky, you'll have to spatula his feet off the problems after the send. He'll weigh 67lbs, have dreads down to his ass and be completely unable to grab onto anything without screaming "BZZZZZAT! AIIEEEE!!!". Rad, brah!
Allez. Crunk. Homard.
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feral_raccoon
Feb 27, 2005, 5:16 PM
Post #240 of 977
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Dear N00b,
I humbly request that you turn your infinite wisdom for a few seconds to the question of priorities.
When one makes the decision to become a climber, it is clear from your advice that there are some obvious steps which must be taken. These include 1. acquiring the appropriate highly trendy climbing wardrobe; 2. adopting totally rad climber-lingo; 3. eating many ham sandwiches; 4. having absolutely no respect for French people.
I have taken to heart your advice and am faithfully following all these guiding principles.
But what of the time allocated to climbing? In essence I am asking that you shed light onto the importance of climbing in life. Should climbing be put above all else? Should it be the air we breathe, the ham we eat, and the rock we bleed on? Should there be a new climber-constitution in which the pursuit of happiness is replaced by the pursuit of rock?
Last week I was fed up with my job, fed up with the weather, and fed up with non-climbers with their deluded and dysfunctional wardrobes, lingo, and life priorities. So I called seagypsy and proposed that we come up with lame excuses to not be at work for a few weeks and buy ourselves plane tickets to Mexico. Of course, she was amenable, and declared “Job or no job! Money or no money! Climbing is what we live for!” so I am currently packing my bags and ecstatically dreaming of that glorious moment, just days away, when I become at one with the limestone. Our respective bosses were not so understanding, but we decided that nothing should stand between ourselves and climbing.
Oh wise N00b, please tell me, are we on the right path to climbing enlightenment? Should one sacrifice everything in order to eat, live and breathe climbing?
The Feral Raccoon
p.s. to you guys out there with feral-raccoon-dating-fantasies, think about this: would you rather date a feral raccoon who might turn around at any second and bite your butt, or would you rather have a nice kindergarten teacher who is waiting at home for you with freshly baked apple-pie for you after a hard day on the rock?
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subtle
Feb 28, 2005, 2:32 AM
Post #241 of 977
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In reply to: Should climbing be put above all else? Should it be the air we breathe, the ham we eat, and the rock we bleed on? Should there be a new climber-constitution in which the pursuit of happiness is replaced by the pursuit of rock? Oh wise N00b, please tell me, are we on the right path to climbing enlightenment? Should one sacrifice everything in order to eat, live and breathe climbing? The Feral Raccoon p.s. to you guys out there with feral-raccoon-dating-fantasies, think about this: would you rather date a feral raccoon who might turn around at any second and bite your butt, or would you rather have a nice kindergarten teacher who is waiting at home for you with freshly baked apple-pie for you after a hard day on the rock?
You know, this is such a good question I was seriously tempted to peer into the deepest recesses of my tortured NOOB soul in an attempt to provide some insight...some clairity...some raison d'etre...but then I realized that I sold my soul long ago in exchange for a date with some alleged internet climber vixen...man, apparently 'hot' and...gulp...'female'...are ambiguous terms these days...but I digress...
Climbing is a fickle mistress, Feral Raccoon, and like all fickle mistresses, she is a poorly applied metaphor that is frequently mis-used in an attempt to distract attention from the tepid, weak-ass philosophy on deck in the next sentence. Climbing is whatever you choose to make of it, no? (Shazam! I warned you...)
I mean, sure, the swank lifestyle of the hardcore dirtbag is pretty darn seductive. Free from the tyranny of soap, rent, and 401k matching contributions you are free to hone your sloper pimp hand amongst the 'selling bodily fluids for gas money' crowd. Some of the strongest climbers I've ever met didn't have shoes...or...names...but they did have dogs and frequently...flutes...for some reason. They'd just come tootling in out of the desert, drink some snowmelt, campus your project, steal your ham sandwich crusts and then pad back out into the wasteland. Good people...I miss them...the dirty sandwich-stealing bastards.
Just remember, though, you can't go back...just like in The Matrix. Once they unplug you, it's pretty hard to slot back in to the cubicle with your newfound dog and flute. Nobody around the water cooler will care about your crimp strength. They're going to make you wear shoes, my dear Raccoon...with very poor smearing and edging characteristics.
Don't bite off more than you can chew. Freedom is a tasty sandwich indeed, but what makes the ham so darn succulent is the very illicit nature of it. Skipping work to climb is dirty good fun...but when climbing is your work...what are you going to do? Skip climbing to...data process?
Allez. Take the Blue Pill. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 28, 2005, 6:08 PM
Post #242 of 977
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In reply to: p.s. to you guys out there with feral-raccoon-dating-fantasies, think about this: would you rather date a feral raccoon who might turn around at any second and bite your butt, or would you rather have a nice kindergarten teacher who is waiting at home for you with freshly baked apple-pie for you after a hard day on the rock?
Survey says...
92% of Trad climbers prefer the Feral Raccoon, but prefer ham to either.
87% of Sport climbers prefer the Kindergarten teacher, as long as she can belay them for an hour as they hangdog...errr...work the proj.
99% of Ice climbers prefer their tools to either.
100% of boulderers are 16 years old and have never seen a woman other than a schoolteacher, but generally like small furry animals, too.
Allez. Homard.
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hulgan
Feb 28, 2005, 6:46 PM
Post #243 of 977
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dear NOOB,
The guys at my gym are constantly talking and... like... bonding. It's sort of gross.
To help isolate myself from all this interaction I've been bouldering with my clunky OG iPod for about a year now. Problem is that it's bulky and old and heavy and not very sweat-proof. I think I could send the V1 purple traverse (Drain-O) with an iPod shuffle but how am I supposed to get by with just one gig of space?
Could you recommend a small, light device with about a terabyte of storage? Flesh colored with tribal features would be a plus.
If such a device is not yet available please recommend some form of Boulderer repellent. I like to boulder but GOD I don't want to become one. *shudder*
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subtle
Feb 28, 2005, 7:28 PM
Post #244 of 977
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In reply to: I think I could send the V1 purple traverse (Drain-O) with an iPod shuffle but how am I supposed to get by with just one gig of space? Could you recommend a small, light device with about a terabyte of storage? Flesh colored with tribal features would be a plus. If such a device is not yet available please recommend some form of Boulderer repellent. I like to boulder but GOD I don't want to become one. *shudder*
Fortunately, we at Ask The NOOB, Inc. are running a 2 for 1 special today, so I'll answer both questions for the low, low price of...free. Damn, our profit margins stink...anyhow.
The key to climbing really hard is to listen to the same song over and over and over and over and...you get the idea...until you don't even need your iPod any more. There was a mega-classic 5.8+ testpiece called Gravy Train at the Planet Rock gym in Ann Arbor...man, that was my lifetime proj...I finally gagged my way up it with the help of 'Third Eye' by Tool. It just fit the moves, y'know? Dum dum dum, dum dum dum, grab the jug, grab the jug...all the way to the top. For a traverse, you're going to want something long and rythmic...I'd suggest the Eric Kupper mix of Dreaming...if it's good enough for Liv Sansoz to climb to, it's probably OK for you, too.
Now, your second question is a piece of cake...I'm surprised you didn't figure it out on your own. You want boulderer repellant?
Get a rope.
Like garlic to a vampire, like a silver bullet to a werewolf, a rope is the last thing any boulderer wants to see. Heave 60 meters of floss at any gaggle of sloper-slapping crimp pimps and they'll scatter like it was mandatory shower day. This pretty much makes Soap-On-A-Rope their mortal enemy, but that's a subject for another post...
Allez. The Twine, it buuurns! Homard.
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feral_raccoon
Feb 28, 2005, 9:43 PM
Post #245 of 977
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“You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain -- but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life; that there's something wrong with the world; you don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?”
“Not enough rock climbing?” the feral raccoon asks
“Do you really want to know what it means to be a rock climber? Rocks are everywhere, they are all around us. You can see them when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel them calling when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes; it is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.”
And the feral raccoon asks, “What truth?”
“That you are a slave, feral raccoon, like everyone else, you were born into bondage; born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch; a prison for your mind. Unfortunately, no one can be told what it really means to break out of that prison and become a rock climber. You have to experience it for yourself.”
In reply to: Just remember, though, you can't go back...just like in The Matrix. Once they unplug you, it's pretty hard to slot back in to the cubicle with your newfound dog and flute. Nobody around the water cooler will care about your crimp strength. They're going to make you wear shoes, my dear Raccoon...with very poor smearing and edging characteristics. Don't bite off more than you can chew. Freedom is a tasty sandwich indeed, but what makes the ham so darn succulent is the very illicit nature of it. Skipping work to climb is dirty good fun...but when climbing is your work...what are you going to do? Skip climbing to... data process? Allez. Take the Blue Pill. Homard.
Oh, dear N00b, are you really telling me to accept the shoes with the very poor edging and smearing characteristics so that I can stand around the water cooler and be like the rest of them? To settle for only maybe having odd weekends of life to throw slim-jims at French people, stuff my face with ham, and show my rad steezos on some radge ish? Maybe Morpheus got it wrong – maybe there is more to life than red or blue. Maybe there is magenta and pink and purple too. Oh N00b, maybe you can find me a purple pill…. One that will enable me to spend all the days and weeks and months I desire working on my crimp strength, dreaming of the day I can send V0, never using soap and eating lots of ham, and I can still fit in enough data-processing to keep those matching 401k contributions coming in and the old pay-check which is so crucial in financing my patagonia-prana wardrobe… Oh, wonderful, sage-like N00b that you are, please please please, tell me there is a purple way!
Feral Raccoon
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subtle
Feb 28, 2005, 11:14 PM
Post #246 of 977
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In reply to: Oh, wonderful, sage-like N00b that you are, please please please, tell me there is a purple way! Feral Raccoon
Are you ready for the mysteries of The Purple Way, my dear Raccoon?
You shall need to feel The Force like Master Yoda...to be as all-knowing as Oz himself...and have the epicurean taste for Ham of Hannibal Lecter. Along the way there will be Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my...to say nothing of unwashed spraylord beta-whores, unwashed bumbling gumbies and really frigging dirty lycanthropic boulderers...you can pretty much leave the soap at home, dig?
The Purple Way is the path of absolute...well...maybe I'd better not say.
So, are you ready?
Allez. I am the Keymaster. Homard.
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ultramegaclassic
Feb 28, 2005, 11:30 PM
Post #247 of 977
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In reply to: Are you ready for the mysteries of The Purple Way, my dear Raccoon? You shall need to feel The Force like Master Yoda...to be as all-knowing as Oz himself...and have the epicurean taste for Ham of Hannibal Lecter. Along the way there will be Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my...to say nothing of unwashed spraylord beta-whores, unwashed bumbling gumbies and really frigging dirty lycanthropic boulderers...you can pretty much leave the soap at home, dig? The Purple Way is the path of absolute...well...maybe I'd better not say. So, are you ready?
To feel the force like Master Yoda? To be as all-knowing as Oz himself? These are great and weighty things you are asking of me, oh N00b. The path ahead must be more tortuous and fraught with hardship than I can possibly imagine. I have put my best beanie on my head, started long and hard at the rock-rings in my living room, and eaten a round of ham while contemplating the question of whether or not I am ready for this. And I think, dear N00b, that I am. Tell me, what is required of me in order to begin along the path to unraveling the mysteries of the purple way?
Your devoted Feral Raccoon
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feral_raccoon
Feb 28, 2005, 11:37 PM
Post #248 of 977
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In reply to: Are you ready for the mysteries of The Purple Way, my dear Raccoon? You shall need to feel The Force like Master Yoda...to be as all-knowing as Oz himself...and have the epicurean taste for Ham of Hannibal Lecter. Along the way there will be Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my...to say nothing of unwashed spraylord beta-whores, unwashed bumbling gumbies and really frigging dirty lycanthropic boulderers...you can pretty much leave the soap at home, dig? The Purple Way is the path of absolute...well...maybe I'd better not say. So, are you ready?
To feel the force like Master Yoda? To be as all-knowing as Oz himself? These are great and weighty things you are asking of me, oh N00b. The path ahead must be more tortuous and fraught with hardship than I can possibly imagine. I have put my best beanie on my head, started long and hard at the rock-rings in my living room, and eaten a round of ham while contemplating the question of whether or not I am ready for this. And I think, dear N00b, that I am. Tell me, what is required of me in order to venture forth along the path to unraveling the mysteries of the purple way?
Your devoted Feral Raccoon
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esoj00
Mar 1, 2005, 5:48 AM
Post #249 of 977
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Registered: Feb 9, 2005
Posts: 88
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Mr nOOb i was thinking of buying this
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=50815&item=7138566976&rd=1
it says its great for begginers!!
Tell me what you think
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viciado
Mar 1, 2005, 4:21 PM
Post #250 of 977
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Posts: 429
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esj00 wrote:
In reply to: Mr nOOb i was thinking of buying this cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll it says its great for begginers!! Tell me what you think
While I anxiously await the words of wisdom of sensei NoOb, I ponder this exciting offering brought to us by e bay and recall the famous words of the cowboy in the Pace Picante add several years ago:
Get a Rope!
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subtle
Mar 1, 2005, 4:56 PM
Post #251 of 977
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In reply to: Mr nOOb i was thinking of buying this http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=50815&item=7138566976&rd=1 it says its great for begginers!! Tell me what you think
Ooooooh, what do I think...well, let's just click on the link and see what I think...clicking.
Oh, my.
For those that don't feel like jumping over to eBay, I'll summarize the contents of the auction:
1. Figure-eight type grappling-hook looking thing. Perfect for belaying someone from...1973 or scaling the wall of a...medieval castle to rescue the damsel of your choice. Watch out for the flaming arrows and the boiling oil, brah.
2. Three giant carabiners, suitable for anchoring a battleship...or sinking one, if carelessly dropped on it.
3. A pair of winter gloves...possibly for shovelling snow. Cut out the fingertips for extra crimp power, yo.
4. A pair of suspenders/Sports bra/Tow kit from a Jeep CJ4. It's strappy and webby and has 101 possible uses. Forgot your aiders? No problem! Need to lash something to your cargo rack? Cha-ching!
5. Several pamplets on rock climbing. As we all know, climbing is best learned from poorly illustrated 4 page booklets...especially vintage ones. After all, what's changed? Just lace up your hobnailed boots, grab your 20 meter hemp rope and get your send on.
...and saving the best for last...
6. The harness. Not just any harness, mind you, but one that was obviously worn by David Lee Roth on his triumphant send of Hurry Up And Take The Picture, I Got Easy Women Back At The Hotel, six pitches, 5.4-. This item alone is worth...several...dollars to a hardcore collecter of Rothinalia. If there were any. Which there aren't.
So...what do I think? I think any sane person should run screaming from this package of death gear...but as it is widely known that I am not sane...I am currently placing a bid...
That harness is going to look so frigging rad with my Dokken-era spandex.
Allez. Homard.
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cracklover
Mar 1, 2005, 5:38 PM
Post #252 of 977
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Posts: 10162
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Actually, that Basic Rockcraft by Royal Robbins might be worth something.
GO
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jude
Mar 1, 2005, 7:55 PM
Post #253 of 977
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Registered: Jul 2, 2003
Posts: 67
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Dear nOOB,
I want to be an ice climber. After reading all your advice, I immediately bought color coordinated Schoeller softshells, the most expensive boots I could find, semi-flexible rigid crampons with 17 frontpoint combinations and some sort of spikey thing in the back, plastered my BD helmet with Mountain Hardware stickers, and drug my brand new Charlet-Grivel leashless Scorpion Venom tools for two miles behind my car by their Super-driod leashes to make them look experienced, but I still can’t climb WI7 or manage a non-run-on sentence.
What am I doing wrong? Do I need a whole new vocabulary, or just more gear?
Help!
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wideguy
Mar 2, 2005, 5:35 PM
Post #254 of 977
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Dear n00b,
I have fallen shamefully behind on reading your sage advice. I missed the post where you un-retired. Could you summarize the most salient gems from page 10 on?
Thanks,
Wideguy
PS- you can skip all the ham sandwiches. That one I have pretty locked down by now.
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subtle
Mar 2, 2005, 5:38 PM
Post #255 of 977
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In reply to: Dear nOOB, I want to be an ice climber. After reading all your advice, I immediately bought color coordinated Schoeller softshells, the most expensive boots I could find, semi-flexible rigid crampons with 17 frontpoint combinations and some sort of spikey thing in the back, plastered my BD helmet with Mountain Hardware stickers, and drug my brand new Charlet-Grivel leashless Scorpion Venom tools for two miles behind my car by their Super-driod leashes to make them look experienced, but I still can’t climb WI7 or manage a non-run-on sentence. What am I doing wrong? Do I need a whole new vocabulary, or just more gear? Help!
Well, although your gear seems fairly rad, you are missing one of the most important ingredients for sending the proj...the climbing partner.
A good partner is the yang to your yin, the bacon to your cheeseburger, and the ham to your sandwich...so...approximately 33% yang and 66%...lunch meat. This can cause problems, especially if there are bears around. Since you are an Ice climber, you need to watch out for Polar bears, which love nothing like a quick belayer snack before heading out to film a Coke commercial. For this reason, always make sure your bear bait...errrr...belayer...is using a Gri Gri. This serves two purposes, allowing you to buy more gear, and hopefully preventing you from serving as the second course.
Allez. Buffet. Homard.
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wideguy
Mar 2, 2005, 6:28 PM
Post #256 of 977
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In reply to: Well, although your gear seems fairly rad, you are missing one of the most important ingredients for sending the proj...the climbing partner. A good partner is the yang to your yin, the bacon to your cheeseburger, and the ham to your sandwich...so...approximately 33% yang and 66%...lunch meat. This can cause problems, especially if there are bears around. Since you are an Ice climber, you need to watch out for Polar bears, which love nothing like a quick belayer snack before heading out to film a Coke commercial. For this reason, always make sure your bear bait...errrr... belayer...is using a Gri Gri. This serves two purposes, allowing you to buy more gear, and hopefully preventing you from serving as the second course. Allez. Buffet. Homard.
Now come on, you're just being ridiulous!!! You think a bear that can master a bottle opener and is savvy enough to get a commercial deal can't figure out how to work a Gri-Gri when apparently 99.44% of the people who use them manage to accidentally drop people with them themselves??
Come on, ..... and to think I thought you were smart.
"Order up!"
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iclimbtoo
Mar 2, 2005, 6:28 PM
Post #257 of 977
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Dear NOOB:
After mastering the difficult technique of spotting and bouldering, I believe that I am now ready for the next step...Aid climbing. I went out and bought an etrier and a hammer yesterday, and I am looking at purchasing a skyhook in the near future. Now that I am almost set for beginning my adventures into this new realm, I asked the gym if I could practice on the wall. They looked at me blankly.
Either way, I managed to screw in about 3 or 4 bolts to anchor from up the tall side of the bouldering wall and have been practicing with fervor for the last 2 hours. However, this is my dilemma.
The holds on the VB- I'm working on are too easy. They're not quite up to the V0 training level I need for practicing my aid skills. Is it acceptable for me to chip some of the holds?
Thanks NOOB!
Sincerely,
Aid Boulderer
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hosh
Mar 2, 2005, 6:35 PM
Post #258 of 977
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any advice on how to train so I can dominate on that new 5.27 project I'm working on? I'm almost all the way up but there's like 3 more jugs I need to master...
:lol:
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subtle
Mar 2, 2005, 7:17 PM
Post #259 of 977
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Posts: 438
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In reply to: I have fallen shamefully behind on reading your sage advice. I missed the post where you un-retired. Could you summarize the most salient gems from page 10 on?
I understand your plight. Much like The X-Files or...Sanford & Son...Ask The NOOB has a richly evolved tapestry of storyline and ham jokes that cannot easily be picked up in the middle. Therefore, here is the short overview of the entire thread...beware of possible spoilers for the 2 Hour Season Finale, though...
The Ask The NOOB Digest:
1. Series Pilot
2. Spend lots of money on gear and you'll climb 5.13
3. Eat relish packets and masturbate frequently to send V10.
4. Filming yourself is easy, filming yourself with Paris Hilton is easier.
5. Boulderers never get laid.
6. Safe climbers die in horrible accidents, oblivious gumbs live forever.
7. If you can't do something right, make up a new term for what you did and pretend you meant it.
8. Slippers are the coolest shoes, and gangrene is the coolest side effect.
9. Climbing injuries are frequently nature's way of saying you're special.
10. Slackliners are boulderes who couldn't handle the high-stress lifestyle.
11. The only reason to ice climb is to practice for serial murdering.
12. You aren't going to climb anything without Ninja skills.
13. Noobs only listen to other noobs, and Justin Timberlake.
14. Gear allocation means buying more gear after you misuse what you have.
15. Grades are in your head, and in your guidebook...so buy some whiteout and a pen and send V13
16. Boulderers have poor oral hygene. Women love this.
17. Use the force to find your climbing style. That, and a gear catalog.
18. It's all about style, and if you don't have any, go buy some.
19. People who claim to like outdoor climbing are liars or insane masochists.
20. Adding difficulty to trad by eating more food on-route.
21. Go! Lobster!
22. French people are silly, yet women love them because they do not boulder.
23. Can you escape being 1/2 french? Not without a lightsaber battle.
24. Bolt guns directly lead to spandex sales. I hate spandex.
25. Smoking dope pays much less than being sponsored.
26. Belaying gloves are weak. Belaying oven mitts are rad.
27. You can climb cement highway barriers, but your spotter will get run over.
28. Top roping El Cap presents no logisitical problems whatsoever.
29. Impressing women climbers is easy, unless you're a boulderer.
30. Climbers can't agree on anything, except hating on the french.
31. Climbing is like Jenga, except when it's like monpoly or tic-tac-toe.
32. The more expensive and painful your shoes, the poorer and hurtinger you shall be.
33. Your parents will love your climber boyfriend.
34. Nobody loves boulderers. Even their dogs are only in it to meet sport climbers.
35. If you love your climber boyfriend, van life is pretty sweet.
36. I write for TV...those infomercials don't write themselves.
37. Two harnesses are better than one, at making you look dumb.
38. Retirement post. I'll miss you all.
39. Unretirement post. Suggest spin off column, Date The NOOB. Response...not so favorable.
40. Looking good = climbing hard, as far as people know.
41. Literature reccomendations for the discerning boulderer.
42. Aid climbers are perverts, possibly evil undead monsters.
43. My superbowl halftime show. Regrettably little nudity.
44. If you can't be a good skinny climber, be a great obese climber.
45. Spraylording is almost as good as knowing people and climbing things.
46. If you bring the wrong beer to the crag, you're signing your own death warrant...in beer.
47. More dating advice from the man who has never been on a date. Good thinking, people!
48. Crashpad decorations as insant street cred upper. Get your doodle on.
49. The ham sandwich is the soul of the trad climber. Your soul wants some mayo.
50. Personal ad advice...since I can reel 'em in with the best of them.
51. Nobody clowns the NOOB, nobody.
52. The rules of Boulder Club. Brad Pitt begs for admission.
53. NOOB comes from the latin for 'damn sexy'.
54. Popular topics of boulderer conversation. Amazing that Sharma is only one of them.
55. Quality control survey. Quality plummets as a result.
56. How to size your shoes. Think small, think ow.
57. Someone wierder than me posts, I can't believe it and freak out.
58. Wearing a trad rack leads to stalking.
59. Begin pondering of Ham Freezing question.
60. I hate harnesses so much, you'd think they come from france.
61. Ham can Freeze. Send the nobel prize this way, boys.
62. I love Feral Raccoon, oh yes I do.
63. New fashion steezos for your inner pimp.
64. If you can carry your trad rack by yourself, it's puny and you are not a man, unless you're a woman, in which case you are also not a man, but for different reasons.
65. If the Ham is calling to you, do not resist. You'll just sprain something.
66. Helium will not get you high, unless sounding like a chipmunk gets you high, that is.
67. Vocabulary lessons for boulderers that can't read...ie, all of us.
68. Another wierdo, another wierdo mocked. My job is done here.
69. Rating adjustment scale. Now you know what your really sent.
70. User names to attract the ladies...or men pretending to be ladies.
71. Go metric, young lass, and your sends are automatically .77 harder.
72. Big Ball O' Sexy.
73. Pimp My NOOB pilot.
74. Feral Raccoon taunts me with her genius, I respond timidly, like the infant I am.
75. Survey of men who would like to date F.R. Survey says...all.
76. Boulderers are allergic to rope. It burns!
77. I tease Feral Raccoon with knowledge of The Purple Way.
78. Things not to buy on eBay.
79. Partners are made of lunch meat.
80. This one right here.
Stay tuned...
Allez. DVD Box set. Homard.
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wideguy
Mar 2, 2005, 7:37 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: I have fallen shamefully behind on reading your sage advice. I missed the post where you un-retired. Could you summarize the most salient gems from page 10 on? I understand your plight. Much like The X-Files or... Sanford & Son...Ask The NOOB has a richly evolved tapestry of storyline and ham jokes that cannot easily be picked up in the middle. Therefore, here is the short overview of the entire thread...beware of possible spoilers for the 2 Hour Season Finale, though... The Ask The NOOB Digest: *snip* Allez. DVD Box set. Homard.
Holy Ham Sandwiches Batman!!! That's alot of knowledge I missed!!! :shock: :shock:
I better make time from now on to stay up to date!!!!
Thanks Noob!!!!
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furbucket
Mar 2, 2005, 7:52 PM
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16 seems to conflict with 22, 29, and 34. But I defer to the everlasting knowledge of the NOOB. I'm sure there is an explanation that I am not cunning enough to understand.
Number 46 has me all a-flutter. Wrong beer? Is there a wrong beer?
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jtt
Mar 3, 2005, 3:05 AM
Post #262 of 977
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n00b,
I was looking at the rc.com photos recently, and after veiwing several hundred, I realized that every one was altered by computers. Sadly, I didn't understand this until I read the expert commentary below. It was very depressing to have missed this on my own. Tell me how to gain a keen eye to recognize this, and savage wit to comment on these pictures.
However, I do think this 'art of photography' (ie. faking pics) could be my path to V2+ glory. Thanks,
jtt
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subtle
Mar 4, 2005, 2:55 PM
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Ask The NOOB will be On Tour next week...be sure to look for The NOOB falling off V0- problems at a crag near you. Please feel free to continue to post questions, I will respond as soon as I get back...or out of the hospital...whichever comes first.
Allez. Real Rocks? Homard.
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pylonhead
Mar 6, 2005, 12:45 AM
Post #264 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
I took up climbing 8 minutes ago, and I've been progressing through the bouldering grades at a fairly consistent rate of about one grade every 45 seconds.
My problem is this: I've been trying to send a V9 for almost two minutes now, and I haven't been able to get it.
Is it normal to plateau at this level? I had hoped to be at least V11 by now.
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kpj240789
Mar 6, 2005, 1:09 AM
Post #265 of 977
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I've been climbing seriously for about 10 years and want my first pair of shoes which should I get.
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kpj240789
Mar 6, 2005, 2:15 AM
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I am new to climbing and want to climb the nose or the shield with my son which one?
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wideguy
Mar 7, 2005, 7:38 PM
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Hey noob,
Looking for the answer to the true meaning of your tagline "Allez. Homard" I typed it into google.
#1 response lead me back here.
So it is obvious the only answer to the mystery of you, is you!!!
Thought you'ld wanna know.
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friendscallmebabe
Mar 9, 2005, 7:45 AM
Post #268 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
Please apply your deepest of all that is in IQ points and tell me what to do for the prediciment I find myself in.
Before I rag on my man, let me first say what a dream he truely is. He treats me like a princess, will massage my feet after a day climbing if I've had a chance to bath first or not. Hands down he is one of the best climbers in the region. He looks like water flowing up the rock instead of down ... and it's a bit of a turn on to watch him ... or, it was.
Climbing with him has slowly become not fun anymore. He often forgets that I am not him. Here is a commen sceanario -- I will be struggling with something. My man will start suggesting beta, like a hold I can't reach, or a move I'm not strong enough to do. A small argument will start with him insisting that the move he suggests is the ONLY way to go. My self esteem will be reduced, until I give up. Then he will go up, see what my problem was, ie exactly what I told him it was, and say something to the effect of "Oh, you could have done this instead."
NOOB, I am tired of saying "I'm not you." Is there something else I am supposed to say? Is the problem the vast gap in our climbing abilities? Should I just take something to throw at him? or just stop climbing with him?
Your Humble Student In Knowledge,
Babe
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climbaddic
Mar 10, 2005, 6:57 PM
Post #269 of 977
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In reply to: I've been climbing seriously for about 10 years and want my first pair of shoes which should I get.
Well. If you have read the previous post by NOOB, then you will see that shoe size you get should be inversely related to grade you want to send.
So, if you can currently send 5.10 with size 8 shoes, then you can send 5.11 with size 7 shoes. If you want to send 5.12, you want to go with size 6. So on and on…
Also, downtoe shoes will directly affect your climbing grade. Every 10 degree downtoe for each number grade you want to send. Hope this helps!
Allez. Wanna be NOOB? Homard.
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devkrev
Mar 11, 2005, 2:58 AM
Post #270 of 977
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master of all that is noobdom.
After I sent that green route in the gym, I was wondering, why do trad climbers eat ham sandwiches? Obviously, to be a trad climber you must have your shiny metal widgets and ham sandwiches, but where did this ham sandwich phenomenon come from?
please educate me
thank you
dev
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irontom
Mar 11, 2005, 3:35 AM
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Wow dude! You managed the green route!! That is so rad, pimp!!!
We've got the green route at my gym as well and it is well mad. I've only done it once but I had to use some of the holdz from the red route as well. My mates say that that means my send doesn't count but I reckon if I were out climbing for real (outdoor climbing is so dope dude I'm going to do it one day, the pictures look way cooler and the chicks really dig the fact that you are not being supervised) I would use the 'red' holdz cos outdoors everything counts, isn't that right n0oB?
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lazyjammin
Mar 14, 2005, 11:05 PM
Post #272 of 977
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Iam trying to send that gree route at my gym to, yet I have hit a plateau. Outdoors too, but as I have seen out in the boulders, everyone who is anyone, or at least everyone who can climb harder than me has a dog. Now I want a dog anyway, but knowing that having one will make me send twice as hard, twice as sick routes like the green one makes me even more interested. Alas I have come to a crossroads. I want to buy this one big dog that I saw, looked like a purebred and was huge, however I think this will hamper the positive climbing aspect to purchasing said dog, as all the strong climbers have the little raggy mutts that shit all over the boulders. So should I get the big dog, and stay at my level, or should I get the little mutt and overnight be transformed into a true boulderer.
Please Help,
Dogless in the Desert
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subtle
Mar 15, 2005, 12:16 AM
Post #273 of 977
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In reply to: I took up climbing 8 minutes ago, and I've been progressing through the bouldering grades at a fairly consistent rate of about one grade every 45 seconds. My problem is this: I've been trying to send a V9 for almost two minutes now, and I haven't been able to get it. Is it normal to plateau at this level? I had hoped to be at least V11 by now.
Hmmm, in my experience most people do get to about V11-12 their first day...I wonder what could be holding you back? Ahhh, I have it...
You're wearing a shirt, aren't you? I knew it!
You can pretty much look however you want and crank V9 all day long. Heck, I've been known to bust some laps on a V9+ in a pair of leather chaps and some snowshoes...granted, this is usually in a dream and I'm being spotted by Lauren Lee and there's...errrr...nevermind. The obvious dividing line between dough-like V9 beyotches and the virile and glistening V10 uber-hardman is the fact that under no circumstances will a double-digit climber ever approach a problem with their shirt on. No sir. Not gonna do it.
Why, you ask? Shirt drag, the silent send killer. If I've seen it once, I've seen it a...couple of...times. Some wanna-be all amped up with dreams of glory and a potential chalk sponsorship tries to pull down on a hideous V10- gym crux and explodes in a firestorm of ligaments and red bull vapor. Why? Shirt drag! it's simple physics, brah, like not even half of what they used in Back to the Future. As you accelerate to near the speed of light on your dyno to that manky crimp, your shirt acts like a giant air-break, creating all sorts of friction and and intense heat that rivals that of the sun...or...microwave popcorn...either way, you're going up in smoke faster than a Cheech and Chong movie on fast forward. Save that Blerrr/Prana/Dopegun shirt for wowing the opposite sex down at the top roping area, that bugger is pure death on the proj.
I totally just saved your life, dude. You owe me a ham sandwich.
Allez. Nice Dreams. Homard.
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subtle
Mar 15, 2005, 12:16 AM
Post #274 of 977
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In reply to: I took up climbing 8 minutes ago, and I've been progressing through the bouldering grades at a fairly consistent rate of about one grade every 45 seconds. My problem is this: I've been trying to send a V9 for almost two minutes now, and I haven't been able to get it. Is it normal to plateau at this level? I had hoped to be at least V11 by now.
Hmmm, in my experience most people do get to about V11-12 their first day...I wonder what could be holding you back? Ahhh, I have it...
You're wearing a shirt, aren't you? I knew it!
You can pretty much look however you want and crank V9 all day long. Heck, I've been known to bust some laps on a V9+ in a pair of leather chaps and some snowshoes...granted, this is usually in a dream and I'm being spotted by Lauren Lee and there's...errrr...nevermind. The obvious dividing line between dough-like V9 beyotches and the virile and glistening V10 uber-hardman is the fact that under no circumstances will a double-digit climber ever approach a problem with their shirt on. No sir. Not gonna do it.
Why, you ask? Shirt drag, the silent send killer. If I've seen it once, I've seen it a...couple of...times. Some wanna-be all amped up with dreams of glory and a potential chalk sponsorship tries to pull down on a hideous V10- gym crux and explodes in a firestorm of ligaments and red bull vapor. Why? Shirt drag! it's simple physics, brah, like not even half of what they used in Back to the Future. As you accelerate to near the speed of light on your dyno to that manky crimp, your shirt acts like a giant air-break, creating all sorts of friction and and intense heat that rivals that of the sun...or...microwave popcorn...either way, you're going up in smoke faster than a Cheech and Chong movie on fast forward. Save that Blerrr/Prana/Dopegun shirt for wowing the opposite sex down at the top roping area, that bugger is pure death on the proj.
I totally just saved your life, dude. You owe me a ham sandwich.
Allez. Nice Dreams. Homard.
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maculated
Mar 15, 2005, 12:32 AM
Post #275 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
I've been working the blue and white problem at my gym for a while now . . . . I can get the first two overhanging moves, but I end up peeling right off after that. I've done it about fifty times. Everyone looks at me funny when I flop down heavily onto my back, slapping the pad.
I've developed a real sore middle finger from trying the move for two hours a day, and I'm inclined to stop, but the gym rates it a V3, and I don't want to be demoted to V2 if I don't send. I don't know what people will think of me.
What do I do?
Maculated
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subtle
Mar 15, 2005, 1:28 AM
Post #276 of 977
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In reply to: I've been working the blue and white problem at my gym for a while now . . . . I've developed a real sore middle finger from trying the move for two hours a day, and I'm inclined to stop, but the gym rates it a V3, and I don't want to be demoted to V2 if I don't send. I don't know what people will think of me. What do I do?
It's obviously true that your worth as a human being is directly related to the ratings of the gym problems you send...so I understand your concern at potentially being deomoted to...uuugghh...V2. Just don't tell anyone I was talking to you, ok?
Anyhow, there are a number of sucessful strategies to avoid the dreaded "Keep trying, you'll stay attached to that start hold someday!". My favorites:
1. Righteous Tired - This has two flavors, which can be combined into a tasty surf and turf of excuse-osity. When asked why you can't pull off the ground using the Mother of All Jugs, simply reply that you've already been in the gym for seventeen hours, and you're just doing easy laps to get a rad pump for the road, yo. Alternatively, if you are still in your street clothes and this seems unlikely to your audience, mention that you had a radge ill sesh yesterday working your lifetime proj, and after 357 limit burns on the V7 crux you might be a little weak today. You just hope the film crew got what they needed for your sponsors, word.
2. Working The Proj - This is a more advanced technique, but is quite useful when you are already mid-session and suddenly realize that you are somehow attracting extra gravity today. Abandon the V2- that you and your posse are working to death and go park yourself under Tendon Terror V9, Widowmaker V11 or Shirt out of Luck V13. Pull out your toothbrush and start cleaning the smallest, sharpest foot chip you can find until someone notices you. When asked what you're doing, just say "Oh, I'm just getting ready to give this a go. I figured I'd better brush this huge hold off first, because the drive-by cross-through gaston dyno to it is a little sketch, yo. You want to give it a try first?" At this point, your V2- pal will most likely flee back to jugland dribbling pee down their prana ninja pants.
Leaving your V3 rating is safe for another day...
Allez. Want to jump on this first? Homard.
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justhavefun
Mar 15, 2005, 5:04 AM
Post #277 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
I need gear. I don't have any extra money, and my REI dividend has already been spent on prAna capris. I thought about different ways I could obtain gear, but all the ideas I had involved sexual favours. Is there any other way?
Thank you for your sage advice.
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subtle
Mar 15, 2005, 6:50 PM
Post #278 of 977
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In reply to: I've been climbing seriously for about 10 years and want my first pair of shoes which should I get.
In reply to: I am new to climbing and want to climb the nose or the shield with my son which one?
Since you have managed to lose 10 years of experience in the hour and six minutes between posts, I can only assume that you are living in some parallel dimension with some sort of freaked out backward hyper-time or something. That being the case, you have probably regressed to the zygomatic state by this time, and are therefore going to have a hard time finding shoes that fit. Even the tightest V10s I've seen are going to be pretty sloppy on your single-cell nubbin feet...although pretty much every hold will be a jug...so there's positive aspects as well.
Always look on the bright side, backward hyper-time zygote boy...
Allez. Homard. .dramoH .zellA
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viciado
Mar 16, 2005, 10:25 AM
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In reply to: Since you have managed to lose 10 years of experience in the hour and six minutes between posts, I can only assume that you are living in some parallel dimension with some sort of freaked out backward hyper-time or something. That being the case, you have probably regressed to the zygomatic state by this time, and are therefore going to have a hard time finding shoes that fit. Even the tightest V10s I've seen are going to be pretty sloppy on your single-cell nubbin feet...although pretty much every hold will be a jug...so there's positive aspects as well.
Dear NoOb,
As I read this, I felt a strange tingling sensation and the mists of memory swirled in a nebulous manner (as mists tend to do). With some difficulty (I, like most rc.com folks don't use the search engine... too much like un-wanted beta), I was able to recall to my consciousness a reply in which you referred to the (gasp) [indigo]PURPLE[/indigo] way. Could it be (oh please, oh please) that this individual has found a way to start over, and thus manipulate his own genes correcting his physical flaws, so that he (and his progeny) will be the BEST climber(s) ever? Has the mystery been solved? Is this the elusively enigmatic [indigo]PURPLE[/indigo] way? Please o' uber-guru, give us no more agro on this. Do not withhold this enlightenment. This IS beta that we all need! Expound to us the way of the [indigo]Purple![/indigo]
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subtle
Mar 17, 2005, 1:19 PM
Post #280 of 977
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In reply to: So should I get the big dog, and stay at my level, or should I get the little mutt and overnight be transformed into a true boulderer.
There are really only a few dog choices, for very specific situations:
The Local's Dog - The bigger the better. You live here, it's your damn area, and if your dog eats someone's lunch/crashpad/spotter...well...they didn't have to come here, did they? Preferred breeds: Wiemerclimber, Great Dyno, etc.
The Sketchy Drifter Dog - Nobody knows where you came from, nobody knows your name, you are really dirty, and you're drinking some snowmelt. Preferred breeds: Anything with some wolf in it. The more wolf, the better. Awhoooooo!
The Couple's Dog - Oooh, he's so cuuuuute. He's probably wearing a bandanna! He's just a furry little ball of joy...and everybody around you hates him. This will be the dog that gets fed to the Local's dog as soon as you aren't looking...and by the way...what are you doing in a relationship? You call yourself a Boulderer? Sheesh. Preferred Breeds: Who cares.
The Hardcore Climber Dog - This is a trick question. Hardcore climbers don't have dogs. Hardcore climbers also don't have jobs, girlfriends, food, a home, a 401k or a future. They just have a pair of rad shoes, a chalkbag, and the endless now of Working the Proj. Just like that movie Groundhog Day...but with slopers. Preferred Breeds: V10s, yo!
Allez. Milk Bone. Homard.
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cintune
Mar 17, 2005, 2:31 PM
Post #281 of 977
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In reply to: Allez. Milk Bone. Homard.
- Dear N00b.
I know you must get a lot of letters from different kinds of pet owners, but is there any particular etiquette for climbing with pet snakes? I find that it's really good exercise to get them out of their terrariums as much as posible, and thought rock climbing might be just the thing for them now that the weather's warming up. Can I just yell "SNAKE" when they approach other rock climbers? And do you think I should trust them with a grigri if they've only ever climbed in gyms before? These are big fellas, Burmese pythons, but they're very gentle and have hardly ever hurt anyone. They didn't seem to enjoy the ice-climbing at all, but I'm willing to give it another chance. Any advice would be appreciated.
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subtle
Mar 17, 2005, 11:01 PM
Post #282 of 977
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In reply to: I need gear. I don't have any extra money, and my REI dividend has already been spent on prAna capris. I thought about different ways I could obtain gear, but all the ideas I had involved sexual favours. Is there any other way?
Well, far be it from me to discourage anyone from transactional sex in exchange for material gain...but you might want to think this one over, first. Let's examine the facts...
No trad climber will ever part with any piece of gear, ever, even long after it has outlived it's usefulness and turned into a ticking time-bomb of impending deckosity...it just becomes...passive pro...or an active...paperweight. Regardless, they aren't swapping it for a quickie on the bivvy ledge because as by far the boldest and virile of all climbers, Traddies are practically wallowing in sex as it is. Any more, and they'd be too tired for the 34 pitches of 5.6- they have planned for tomorrow.
In theory a sport climber might swap a draw or two for a 'quick whipper', but to conform with the sporto aesthetic of 'attractive female' you're going to have to shrink down to 76lbs, dress all in black spandex, develop a French accent and change your name to 'Giselle' or 'Lizette' and say things like "Oooooh, Jean Luc, you are ever so aggressive on zee 5.8 plus! I fear I shall swoon, mon deu!". Probably not worth it, eh, mon cherie?
Ice Climbers are mostly pre-occupied with constantly sharpening thier tools. If this isn't an obvious enough Freudian metaphor, well...good luck to you.
Which brings us to boulderers. Any boulderer, anywhere, at any time, would gladly give his eternal soul for the mere possibility of sexual congress with any three-dimensional flesh and blood woman...and most would consider it for 1/2 hour alone with the not-at-all-exploitive-of-women photo section of Urban Climber and some privacy, yo. Finally, a receptive audience, right? Wrong! Because what will you get in return for your 43 seconds of the Crashpad Nasty?...some...chalk? Maybe a roll of tape? Half a Clif bar, if you get insanely lucky. He's a boulderer after all, and all he's got is rad pimp steezos.
And those cannot be shared.
Allez. Where's that Urban Climber? Homard.
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subtle
Mar 18, 2005, 7:21 PM
Post #283 of 977
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In reply to: ...is there any particular etiquette for climbing with pet snakes? I find that it's really good exercise to get them out of their terrariums as much as posible, and thought rock climbing might be just the thing for them now that the weather's warming up. Can I just yell "SNAKE" when they approach other rock climbers? And do you think I should trust them with a grigri if they've only ever climbed in gyms before?
I can't imagine that taking a pet snake to the crag would be any more dangerous than bringing, say, the typical gumbed-up rental-shoe significant other or family member that 'just wants to check it out', sit on a rock and eat powerbars in the wilderness. There are a few unique considerations to be aware of, though...like...the relative lack of...arms. This will be...somewhat...difficult to overcome. As near as I can tell, this could conceivably impact: putting on a harness, putting on it's shoe, tying in, hanging draws, clipping, climbing, cleaning the anchor and route, feeding slack, eating a powerbar, flaking the rope, stick clipping, and a few other things. Or, oh, about 99.98% of the sport. It's the other 0.02%, though, where he'll really excel.
Snakes are cold-blooded creatures that generate little internal warmth, and therefore need to sun themselves on rocks to boost their body temperature. Your snake will therefore be happiest sitting around doing nothing...very much like a...boulderer. If you can teach your snake to say "Rad, yo!" and "I'm totally working the Proj, brah!", it can probably get a couple of sponsorships and a smallish part in Sloper Slapper XI - Serpent Sendfest. Just wait 'till the camera is pointing away and sort of...throw him up to the finish jug. Rad! Are you Chris Ssssssharma?
Allez. Slithery Dyno. Homard.
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subtle
Mar 18, 2005, 7:21 PM
Post #284 of 977
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In reply to: ...is there any particular etiquette for climbing with pet snakes? I find that it's really good exercise to get them out of their terrariums as much as posible, and thought rock climbing might be just the thing for them now that the weather's warming up. Can I just yell "SNAKE" when they approach other rock climbers? And do you think I should trust them with a grigri if they've only ever climbed in gyms before?
I can't imagine that taking a pet snake to the crag would be any more dangerous than bringing, say, the typical gumbed-up rental-shoe significant other or family member that 'just wants to check it out', sit on a rock and eat powerbars in the wilderness. There are a few unique considerations to be aware of, though...like...the relative lack of...arms. This will be...somewhat...difficult to overcome. As near as I can tell, this could conceivably impact: putting on a harness, putting on it's shoe, tying in, hanging draws, clipping, climbing, cleaning the anchor and route, feeding slack, eating a powerbar, flaking the rope, stick clipping, and a few other things. Or, oh, about 99.98% of the sport. It's the other 0.02%, though, where he'll really excel.
Snakes are cold-blooded creatures that generate little internal warmth, and therefore need to sun themselves on rocks to boost their body temperature. Your snake will therefore be happiest sitting around doing nothing...very much like a...boulderer. If you can teach your snake to say "Rad, yo!" and "I'm totally working the Proj, brah!", it can probably get a couple of sponsorships and a smallish part in Sloper Slapper XI - Serpent Sendfest. Just wait 'till the camera is pointing away and sort of...throw him up to the finish jug. Rad! Are you Chris Ssssssharma?
Allez. Slithery Dyno. Homard.
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feral_raccoon
Mar 19, 2005, 6:10 PM
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Oh Ham-eating Prana-beanie-wearing Radge-ish Noob,
It is with tears in my eyes and a quivering heart that I report to you success, yes success, on a project. Here is how it happened:
Two weeks ago I bid farewell to my rock rings and journeyed far into another land. A land without ham sandwiches, without prana labels on clothes, and without sticky rubber shoes for sale.
In this land I walked, drinking from puddles and playing my flute, until I came across a lump of rock. A most exquisitely beautiful and chalk-free lump of rock. I sensed that this rock, sitting as it did in the midst of nowhere, had never before been ascended, so I sat by the rock and began to contemplate its delicate features. I named the rock "procrastination".
I don’t know how many days I sat there, but finally I came to be one with the rock. It was only then, at that moment of deep spiritual connection, that I stood up and sent the rock. Yes, no falls, no desperate cries, no trembling limbs, just a graceful, smooth ascent up its crystalline face. You can imagine my astonishment upon accomplishing this feat – I think the rock may have even been V0 (but not being a bona-fide boulderer, I cannot be entirely sure).
Only later did the confusion set in. You see, I was barefoot at the time, with no ham in my belly and no prana shorts on my butt. Yet still I sent my test-piece. How could this be? And where do I go from here? Should I now focus on understanding the deepest mysteries of being by developing my spirituality, or should I instead focus on stuffing my face with ham sandwiches, as I take the first steps along the tortuous path from "procrastination" to "realization"?
Feral Raccoon
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mistertyler
Mar 21, 2005, 7:05 PM
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Dear n00b,
This is kinda embarrasing to ask but the other day I was toproping a wicked route at the quarry near my house (okay its really my moms house but I was staying there for the week cuz my dads out of town and doesnt trust me to stay alone cuz I got in trouble lastime when I had friends over when he was out of town and we got into his liqor cabinet and he found out when he got home and was p1553d!!!). Anyways I got real sketched on the crux and suddenly I totally had to go #2 real bad and my friend Larry told me that next time Im working an extreme route at the quarry I should carry a poop tube on my rack just in case, but I always heard poop tubes were for were El Captain and stuff.
Do they sell poop tubes for top roping?
Thanx!
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quas
Mar 21, 2005, 8:15 PM
Post #287 of 977
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How do they get the rope up there anyways?
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subtle
Mar 22, 2005, 3:03 AM
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In reply to: Do they sell poop tubes for top roping?
I suppose this was an issue that needed to be dealt with eventually.
We here at Ask The NOOB, Inc. are committed to providing a pert and, dare we say, sassy response to conventional, sane and...responsible advice columns. We like to think that we are the edgy alternative to..errrr...common sense...kinda like you'd get from that cool uncle who smells like alcohol and has a missing finger or something. I may tell you to tie your belayer in with an 8 knot made of dental floss...and I might suggest that your belayer be a snake...and I could recommend a beanie for said snake to make him look rad, yo...
...but I am not going to tell you how to poop. You are on your own there, brah.
Allez. Charmin. Homard.
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subtle
Mar 22, 2005, 3:11 AM
Post #289 of 977
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In reply to: How do they get the rope up there anyways?
This feels like a Multiple Choice:
a. Rope Monkeys.
b. They grow there, nobody knows why.
c. The ropes wonder 'how did those people get down there?'
d. They are remnants from Dave Graham's evil plan to do every route this year and downgrade them all to 5.9-
e. Your partner left it there for you to top-rope on.
I'm going with A.
Allez. Get your hands off me you damn filthy Ape. Homard.
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subtle
Mar 22, 2005, 3:52 AM
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In reply to: You see, I was barefoot at the time, with no ham in my belly and no prana shorts on my butt. Yet still I sent my test-piece. How could this be? And where do I go from here? Should I now focus on understanding the deepest mysteries of being by developing my spirituality, or should I instead focus on stuffing my face with ham sandwiches, as I take the first steps along the tortuous path from "procrastination" to "realization"?
A short, short time ago, in a galaxy not terribly far away...in the murky swamps of Dagobah, where I was bivvying with Master Yoda and Chris Sharma, I felt a stirring. "Sends her project she does, oorrrrrhh!", Master Yoda intoned. "Rad, yo", added Zen Master Sharma, before returning to campusing the V9 tree root problem hanging from the roof of the mud hut. I remained silent...lost in contemplation...
Some time later...after dredging out my X-Wing fighter, taking a nap inside a Taunton, flying to the cloud city to retrieve my beanie that was frozen in carbonite, and numerous lightsaber battles with Jason Kehl...I had the answer. I remembered the words of my teacher, Obi Wan Dynobi...
"The Jedi must learn to feel The Ham within them. The Ham, the force that binds the climbing universe together...the invisible tendon-tape of the galaxy...the radge ish that makes life possible. When you learn to master The Ham within you, young jedi, you will be subtle rad, yo."
But beware The Dark Side of The Ham...it's power is great, this is true. But that power comes at a terrible price.
I know it all too well...
Allez. Sith Boulderer. Homard.
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cintune
Mar 22, 2005, 1:43 PM
Post #291 of 977
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Dear N00b,
I saw a commercial on television last night about a place where you can climb the inside of this ice-chimney in the middle of a glacier, and when you get about halfway up you drill into the ice and there's a little black button. When you push the button, all of a sudden you're in this way cool black car. This looks like a really rewarding route, except THEY DON'T TELL YOU WHERE IT IS! Talk about a teaser. I really want to do this climb while the ice cave is still there and before they run out of cars. Do you know where it is? Camping/food/shower/gas stations nearby?
Thanks, n00b!
PS: There's another one where you get a white car if you finish a cave-dive, but I want the black one first.
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Mar 23, 2005, 3:00 AM
Post #292 of 977
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Dear Noob,
Here's the dilemma, nearly all my climbing dudes are off at RedRock for a week of sport+trad routes. So while the crew is all off ticking off those reallly hard 16 pitch 5.3 routes I'm back in new england trying to come up with ways to justify my (sorry) existence. While this hasn't been entirely un-fruitful, sending the 2 5.9 boulder problems at the local gym isn't the same without some loyal dude helping out with obnoxious beta.
In between working and late-winter trips to the gym I did manage to concoct a pretty ok knock off of the Climb-On! bar for those really sore fingers I get after a really spicy 5.6 TR. Otherwise, however this week so far just doesn't have much to say for itself.
Can you think of anything Noob I can do or say when they-all get back that's gonna break the monotony of hearing what a great time thay all 've been having that I missed (dissimulations would be fine so long as they're plausible).
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cintune
Mar 24, 2005, 3:58 PM
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http://imagex.homedepot.com/...s/eplus/132468_4.jpg
Dear NOOB,
I'm thinking of getting a few of these for my trad rack, but do you think they would work as well on sport climbs? My climbing partner and I were arguing about this and finally I said: "Let's just ask the NOOB." I admit that weight-to-strength-wise they run a little on the heavy:weak side, but my point is that sometimes nothing else will do the job. Have you had any experience with this kind of pro? Am I just being old fashioned? Do you know if I can get them anodized anywhere? That would be sweet.
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subtle
Mar 27, 2005, 10:49 PM
Post #294 of 977
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Do I think you should purchase a giant 5lb C-Clamp and try to pass it off as a high-tech piece of climbing gear? Are you kidding me? Sheesh, get an extra one for me, while you're at the...errr, hardware...store. All you're going to need are a few minor modifications and you're all set to be the dope shizz at the crag, brah. They are:
Sponsor Cred - Slap a Pretzl sticker on that bad boy and claim that it's the new Uber-Biner that they're 'currently evaluating, yo'. If anyone asks...and they will...it's made 'out of that stealth bomber stuff...but it's, like, totally environmentally friendly...it's like...stealth...wood'. Stealth wood...smooth one there, pimp.
Gear Exotica - You're obviously not attaching a plumbing supply item to your ass and hauling it up the proj...Tommy Caldwell would never do that, right? A little nomenclatural kung-fu, though, and you're good to go. Is it a non-locking tension biner?!? An un-anodized non-stick clippable pressure-krab? A #50 nut? Nope. 'They're calling it Gear-X, yo, until the tradeshow rollout'. Man, you're such an insider. Can you get me Sharma's autograph?
Since people are now convinced that Yvonne Chouinard has you on speed dial, it's time to bring it on home. Rack that bad boy up and get your send on. I'd suggest trying not to fall on it, since most plumbing supply products are rated to like .01KN, soooooo...maybe you should back it up with a toilet plunger chock and some pitons made of garden weasel tines. Bomber.
Allez. Stealth Wood...heh heh heh. Homard.
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cfmwh
Mar 28, 2005, 11:55 PM
Post #296 of 977
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Dear N00B,
I can not find a crag anywhere with really close parking and am having trouble hiking the .25 to 1 mile trail to the crag in my nifty-new super arched bouldering shoes. What should I do?
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justafurnaceman
Mar 29, 2005, 12:46 AM
Post #297 of 977
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Isn't this how everyone climbs?
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mburke225
Mar 29, 2005, 12:55 AM
Post #298 of 977
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Guys,
After 20 pages of the Noob trying to teach us the true spirit of rockclimbing, am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture?
HE'S WEARING A SHIRT!!!
Of course it's hard for him.
1) He's not wearing a Prana beanie.
2) Probably didn't even meditate to get in touch with the problem beforehand.
3) No visible tattoo's
This guy was toasted from the start. Geez.
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subtle
Mar 29, 2005, 5:19 PM
Post #299 of 977
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That is exactly the corrrect way to boulder, brah. You should all closely examine this photo, and learn from the master.
We Don't Need No Stinking Beanie! - Holmes here is self-confident enough to get out to les blocs in what appears to be some circa 1997 fitted baseball hat replete with ample salt and/or beer stains. I can't see if it has an International Harvester or CAT Diesel logo, but I sure hope it does. He's saying, in case you missed it, "Ya'll can take yer co-op manufactured, patchouli oil smelling hemp fiber beanie and cram it up yer pie hole". Rad. BTW, in case you think that this isn't the dope shizzle, please note recent videos of James Litz sending V13s in a backward Nike hat...running to dig that Fred Durst Model Red NY Yankees cap out of the back of the closet, aren't you? I thought so...
Old Skool Tribal Tatts - Save your mystical power symbols, your chinese glyphs that mean 'dynamic force', and your all-seeing eyes. This dude is rocking a vintage Motley Crue Inspired tribal band...indicating that not only has he Shouted At The Devil and Smoked In the Boys Room, he may in fact have been around Girls, Girls, Girls...which is more than 99.998% of boulderers can say.
Serious about his Spot - So the hat and the tatt fairly scream "Live fast, die young, and leave a trailer home full of empty PBR cans"...but look closer. This is no green-shoed epic-gumb, spastically twitching their way up a V0- above certain death and dismemberment. This man has his shznit together. No spotter? No problem! "I'm so frigging dope, I can spot myself and send this pig with an extra 25lbs on my back." We can't see it from this picture, but I strongly suspect he campused the last two moves, then tore open a warm PBR and cranked up some Dokken on a portable boom-box.
You are my hero, sir.
Allez. Warm PBR goes good with Ham. Homard.
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justafurnaceman
Mar 29, 2005, 11:46 PM
Post #300 of 977
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Dear Noob,
I FINALLY DID IT!!! I took in all of your advice and finally sended the problem!! I sat by it for hours taking in it's vibes and charma trying to be one with it. Then I went and put on all my gear, harness, helmet, nuts, QD, slings, and anything I thought I would need. I set down my mattress (crash pads are too expensive) than sat on it for hours trying to draw the last spirits that were in the problem so I could send with ease.
I then stood up, tied myself to the rope, anchored up, then climbed and climbed and climbed so more. About half way up I stopped and ate my ham sandwhich then started climbing some more. I didn't think that I was going to make it but then I thought "what would the Great, Powerful, and All Knowing Noob do?". He would keep on going, so I kept on climbing even though the great heights scared me and my arms were starting to get pumped out but then with the last strength of energy I crawled over the top. I MADE IT, I MADE IT!! I FINALLY CLIMBED MY 4 FOOT STEP LADDER AND CHANGED THE KITCHEN LIGHT!!!
My wife was so impressed with me that...., well never mind, let's say she was proud of me.
In writing this I would to say thanks and if in nine months my wife has a boy may we name him after you?
Thanks, next week I think, after a long rest, I might change the lights in the living room.
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singingwater
Mar 30, 2005, 12:47 AM
Post #301 of 977
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Dear nOOb,
I have become a trad climber. I bought like a buttload of gear and rope and wicked tight climbing shoes and an ultra comfy harness for for sitting midway up my latest climb and contemplating the next move and a really big bag to carry it all and and other stuff that might be usful and most importantly I have made a friend who runs a buchery and will let me have unlimited supply of ham. However I cant convnice my physics teacher that once I become a world renound climber newtons laws and gravity and all of physics in general wont apply to me anymore so I should just skip school completely and become a world renound climber. I dont really think my teacher believes in climbing anyways (seeing how she has trouble going up stairs) What should I do?
Elise
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subtle
Apr 1, 2005, 2:48 PM
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In reply to: ...once I become a world renound climber newtons laws and gravity and all of physics in general wont apply to me anymore...What should I do?
This is probably a question better answered by a particle physicist or doctorate in quantum mechanics...or some hyper-intelligent cyborg from any number of SciFi Channel series...but since they're off doing real work and/or saving the galaxy from certain destruction, I'll have a go at it. All formula derivations are left to the class as an exercise, naturally.
Since the laws of physics do not apply to you...and this requires a smidgen what they call in the movies moderate suspension of disbelief...you should have no problem hiking your proj du jour in sneakers. Since you can alter the force of gravity at will and won't mind the extra weight, please feel free to trail a line behind you so you can set up a top-rope for the people next to you. This won't take any extra time, since you can...errrr...alter the space-time continuum and just go backward to the point before you started. This will also help you in gathering beta, since if you can't do a move...as climbing guru Willie Wonka says...Stop that! Reverse it!...and presto...you're back on the ground, ready for your onsight. In fact, there's no reason you can't onsight up to, like, 5.15a with this technique...heck, why stop there? Just change the valences of a few of your electrons and quarks and whatnot around and modify your fingertips into infinitely sticky ahdesive and scamper up a few 5.19d's to warm up for your 5.24a proj...you can bolt them for the rest of us on your downclimb.
But since your abilites are now essentially infinite, and you can hop backward and forward through time at will, and control all the forces in the universe...
...wait a minute...are you standing behind me as I type this?
Allez. Creeped out by Physics. Homard.
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subtle
Apr 4, 2005, 12:41 AM
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In reply to: Here's the dilemma, nearly all my climbing dudes are off at RedRock for a week of sport+trad routes. So while the crew is all off ticking off those reallly hard 16 pitch 5.3 routes I'm back in new england trying to come up with ways to justify my (sorry) existence. Can you think of anything Noob I can do or say when they-all get back that's gonna break the monotony of hearing what a great time thay all 've been having that I missed (dissimulations would be fine so long as they're plausible).
Ah, bro, don't worry about it. Sure, your friends have been actually climbing real rocks on a gnarly roadtrip...and you've been...top roping...in the...errr...gym. Whatever, pimp!
Nobody cool actually climbs anymore! Look around the gym, bro, and all the rad people are standing around in their LogoWear street clothes, swilling a Red Bull and spraying nonstop about what they read Dave Graham is doing on an internet chat board. Who cares if your boys sent their dream route and had the time of their lives? Did you SEE those pictures of Sharma on Witness the Fitness!?! That shiznit was mad dope, yo! For extra emphasis, start flailing your arms and legs in a whirling fury of Mime Beta...I mean...it's like you were there! Were you there? Heck, you might have been there! You're so frigging cool, I want to buy you a Red Bull!
Can you get me Sharma's autograph?
Allez. I climb V17 Online. Homard.
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discolegsyndrome
Apr 4, 2005, 1:33 AM
Post #304 of 977
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Dear n00b,
The ice is melting.. or has melted... what do I do now with my tools?
Sincerely,
Confused
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aikibujin
Apr 4, 2005, 2:59 AM
Post #305 of 977
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Dear N00b,
I need your help. I'm a geologically disadvantaged climber. Unlike most people who have three climbing gyms to choose from within a 20-mile radius, the closest climbing gym to me is 2 hours away, and the closest outdoor climbing is even further. But I'm super committed. I've been climbing every weekend since last year. When everyone is still snug in bed at 4 am on a Saturday, I've already packed my ham sandwiches and am driving to Seneca for a weekend of knee-shaking action on 5.4s. When everyone is drinking hot chocolate watching the snow accumulate on trees through their windows, I'm trying to brush off the snow on my V0- proj at Governor Stables. I figure I climb so much, when the spring comes around, I'd be super strong.
Boy was I wrong.
There appear to be some secret training program called "gym climbing" that I'm missing. While I'm stuck in flatlands on weekdays with not even a stair to climb on, people apparently are training to climb V8s in a gym. Then when the weekend rolls around and I'm outside taking 10-inch whippers on a bolted 5.5, those gym rats come and onsight the 5.13 next to me, and then offer to set a toprope for me on a 5.7. First I was feeling jealous, then I got angry, which quickly made me hungry, so I went and ate my ham sandwich.
Am I doomed to hangdogging the 5.7 the gym rats set up for me, or is it possible for a geologically disadvantaged climber like myself to train better than the gym rats?
Depressed and hungry (still), in the middle of nowhere.
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jomal
Apr 4, 2005, 11:34 PM
Post #306 of 977
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Dear n00b,
(insert funny climbing stereotype here)
Your thoughts?
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subtle
Apr 5, 2005, 2:57 AM
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In reply to: Dear n00b, (insert funny climbing stereotype here) Your thoughts?
(Insert moderately witty, highly crafted response here, complete with lots of italics...dots...and phrases like rad, yo!)
Allez. Ding! Now serving #47. Homard.
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subtle
Apr 5, 2005, 2:07 PM
Post #308 of 977
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In reply to: The ice is melting.. or has melted... what do I do now with my tools?
Well, back in the day, you'd have been relegated to a long hot summer of compulsively re-sharpening your gear and watching...golf...on TV...but no more. Thankfully, there's now a whole other branch of sport for you to challenge yourself with during the warmer months. No, not dry tooling...that's for emotional cowards who can't admit that they are actually aid climbing perverts. I'm talking about...Lumberjack Challenge! Rad, yo!
With dual front points and bomber tool placements everywhere, you're pretty much a dead certain lock in the telephone pole climbing event. Add some heel spurs for a stylish bat hang at the finish, brah. Your highly modified carbon fiber and thermoplastic shelled 12-tine fruit boots will also serve you well in the log rolling event...possibly so much so that you could get stuck to the log and drown. I think you'd get some sort of bonus points for that, though. You will be at a slight disadvantage in the Cut Down The Tree with a Chrome Axe and The Big Giant Chainsaw With a Truck Motor event...since you won't have either...but hey, you sharpen those tools for 9 months for a reason, no? Get your hack on, bro, and make us proud.
You'll feel right at home at Lumberjack Challenge, too, since everybody there is also French...err...Canadian...errr...Allez, flannel boy!
Allez. Grivel Wood Chipper. Homard.
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subtle
Apr 7, 2005, 5:16 PM
Post #309 of 977
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All right, Dope Pimps & Rad Crag Hotties, it's your turn. Answer me this:
Dear Forum,
I am a fairly pathetic example of genus Boulderus Pranabenius, aka the New England Boulderer. My natural habitat is Lincoln Woods, RI and I seek shelter from the elements for several months every year at the RIRG. During my winter hibernation, I develop a layer of insulating blubber and attempt to pull hard plastic moves in preparation for the spring thaws, mating season (yeah, right) and the opportunity to jump back on my V1- lifetime proj. This year, though, things have been different.
Since the advent of Ask The NOOB, I have been training over my keyboard more than my hangboard. I have noticed a pronounced decline in my Rad Pimp Steezos...and a horrifying increase in my Sentence Structure and Overall Grammar Skillz. I can no longer thrutch for the crux, but I can conjugate for the split infinitive...and feel absolutely no desire to make a dirty joke out of 'conjugate' or 'split infinitive'. Ill, yo.
My worry is this...as far as I know, there is nothing below VB-...if I get much weaker and fatter, I will soon have to aid climb the approach to Easy Problem for People With Artificial Replacement Hips VB- - - and then hope for ideal conditions for the send. I've got my 5.10 Dragons and extra Prana beanies, but I'm far too gross to take off my shirt in public. I've been waiting until after sundown, but Daylight Savings Time has thrown a wrench into that one.
What am I to do?
Allez. Gelatinous & Sedentary. Homard.
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maculated
Apr 7, 2005, 5:32 PM
Post #310 of 977
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Dear N00B,
Although I happen to live in the land of plenty when it comes to climbing year round, so do you. There are trees in the Northeast, you know. Big ones. I seen em. If your winter doldrums have you down and you feel the need to get VERTICAL, VERTICAL, GET VERTICAL .. . ahem . . . I suggest you quickly contact Jim Bridwell and order his custom "tree hammer" and tree pitons. The pitons are designed to maximize damage to the tree and increase your ability to send, send, send. They work especially well in below freezing temperatures.
The object, you see, is to bash them in there, and then stick your tongue on them to ascend. You'll find that all your Internet training has probably made the most important, and strongest, muscle in your body weak. Climbers have no patience for the weak of tongue. I can do 11 pull ups in this manner in the off-season. You'll be back to hurling insults and spraying V11, and really, that's all that matters.
I do, however, note that you've been training well my friend. Increased understanding of correct grammar and spelling will boost your onsight ability by at least a letter grade.
Now, by now you've noticed that my post count is fairly high. You, N00B, should do a search to confirm this, but post count is no way to gain experience. I know that this is a shocker, but it's true. There's no way to increase experience except to climb. And also to read. And spray.
However, having just gotten off my morning 13b warm up, I am confident in telling you that you are on the right track. While I may have no experience, the increased amount of time I've spent typing since joining RC.com has strengthened my fingers to superhuman proporitions that no amount of silly gymnastics or squeeze balls can replicate. I can type 243 words per minute! If I really push it, say, to 302 wpm, I really start to get the pump.
People say the Internet is no place to get better and to them, I say "Fie unto you!"
But N00B, with only 178 posts to your name, you've got a lot of training to do if you want to be as good as me.
I suggest you start threads with questions like: "Should I STAMP on Utah's Cryptobiotic Soil or SKIP through it?" A classic is "I am going to go bolt my area's best trad line to save people time, money, and effort; who will give me a free bolt kit?"
But truly, the best way to increase your post count is to begin now. Maybe right here. Simply repeating: "Maculated is by far the best individual on this planet and what she says is right" in every thread will boost you at least two number grades.
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sed
Apr 7, 2005, 6:13 PM
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Subtle, I don't see a problem here, you have become your every desire. You are outfitted with all of the best gear, have the natural crash pad of blubber all around your body, you are as pale as brand new chalk, scare away all women within 20 miles, has soft supple fingertips and a permanent beanie conehead. As far i'm concerned your development is going quite nicely. My only concern is that your softness and better language skills could attract the wrong type, i mean of course responsible women. I'd say the only advice from me is that you don't open your door and stop showering all together, then you'll be like in an exclusive indoor pack rat drywall bouldering club of your own. No one will be able to touch your coolness, they might even make a pulp fiction movie about you someday. I'm gonna say i knew "The Noob" before he got big., before all the movie offers and contracts started rolling.
S
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viciado
Apr 7, 2005, 6:34 PM
Post #312 of 977
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The NoOb ASKING a question? Maculated? On ask the Noob?
holy triple oxymoronic situation Batman!
Be scared, be very scared!
If I were not such a noob myself I would take my own advice, but I have two suggestions for your Noobness, if I might humbly lay them before your feet? Good.
1) For the t-shirt problem. I too fear and dread the summer months when top-less climbing reigns. No more the super breathable poly-something-or-other hard shell over the blubber disguising polar fleece... However, William Shatner seems to have discovered an answer: The waist slimming cylinder! (hope the picture shows)
http://www.poster.net/...-shatner-6216507.jpg
As for the strength, try Okie's Remedy!
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cintune
Apr 7, 2005, 6:45 PM
Post #313 of 977
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In reply to: Since the advent of Ask The NOOB, I have been training over my keyboard more than my hangboard.
First of all, Maculated is by far the best individual on this planet and what she says is right.
Second of all, you are obviously overlooking the ancient Zen truth that wherever you want to go, you have from start where you are at. Or something like that. All you need to do is get some woodscrews and bolt your laptop above the nearest doorframe. By doing this, you will be forced to train both your awareness of grammar skills and your vital pulling muscles simultaneously. The keyboard can be used in conjunction with a hangboard or separately. Many of the exercises which one practices on a keyboard translate directly to the hangboard. Here is a workout that has done wonders for me:
Split Infinitive Hang: This is the fundamental exercise to really try to actually develop conjugation strength. You should attempt to fully master the split infinitve hang on any particular verb before attempting to eventually complete any other exercise on that verb. Never lock your caps completely. You can work on verb tenses or you can try gradually to build your vocabulary in various subject areas.
Modifier Dangle: A variation of the split infinitive hang will begin to hopefully develop your ability to confuse readers and caps-lock-off. Based on our observations, this exercise should be varied as much as possible. A dependable exercise, pull yourself up to the designated angle and hold a contraction for the designated amount of time. Be careful of doing maximal contractions ('nt, 're, etc.) at full caps lock-off, as they can be as injurious as fully locked-out caps.
Infinitive dangle: To keep interested in getting in shape, an exercise program will be set up for the winter months.
Participle Hangs: Beginning with the dangling modifier hang, your weight shifts all the way to one side and holds a contraction. Shift your caps laterally all the way to the other side, without lowering your body and holding an equal contraction. Repeat. Vary the angle of your caps lock-off, the duration of your caps lock-off, and the number of repetitions.
Preposition hangs: A preposition hang is something you should never end a training routine with.
Hope this helps.
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dirtineye
Apr 7, 2005, 6:47 PM
Post #314 of 977
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Dear n00b,
I am so glad to be of service to you in your hour of need, after all the times you have come through for the climbing community.
What you can do is, embrace your new condition, and start work immediately on your new volume, "Climbing Excuses and How to Use Them Well".
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maculated
Apr 7, 2005, 8:20 PM
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I have it on good authority that Cintune is now leading 5.12b. Good job!
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justafurnaceman
Apr 7, 2005, 9:38 PM
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The nOOb is thinking of leaving us? :shock: say that it isn't so!! I haven't changed the lightbulbs in the living rm. yet. How am I suppose to do it with out the help from the all-knowing master NooB?
Don't worry man, if it's all about the climbing we'll suck it up and climb for you. It'll be like vicariously climbing (or something like that). We'll post pics and everything for you on your profile. We'll log all of the 5.2b climbs that we've done as your routes and all of the V -2's projects as yours. We'll even eat your share of ham sandwhiches.
ANYTHING MAN, JUST DON'T LEAVE US!!
*slap!!*
Sorry about that, I was getting a little carried away. :oops:
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subtle
Apr 8, 2005, 3:02 AM
Post #317 of 977
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In reply to: The nOOb is thinking of leaving us?
I'm not going anywhere...as far as I know. Why, what have you heard? It's not another assassination attempt by those clowns over at Ask The GUMB, is it? The Witness Protection Program is getting tired of finding me new couches to crash on that are near "Rad problems, yo!"
There was a bit of a lull in people posting new questions, so I just thought I'd ask one just for fun.
I eagerly await all new questions perched in front of my Commodore 64 in my secret mountian fortress just east of StrongBadia...the Castle of NOOB!...boy, that totally doesn't sound menacing, does it? No wonder people are always coming over and borrowing my stuff...sheesh...
Allez. Open for Business. Homard.
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snowrocker
Apr 8, 2005, 5:24 AM
Post #318 of 977
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Dear Noob, I have purchased lots of sweet gear, but, I'm still no good at climbing. Well that could be partially my fault because, in all honesty, I don't hit the crags very often.... I have no friends, and I don't know where to buy a belay monkey. I'm lonely and without a climbing buddy. Please help.
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pheenixx
Apr 8, 2005, 5:43 AM
Post #319 of 977
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In reply to: Hey n00b: I was wondering... which climbing shoes should I buy? Does the Anasazi symbol on those shoes REALLY help me climb a whole grade higher? Should I just get the shoes that Sharma wears? Which are cooler, lace-ups or velcro slippers?
dude - it's Sportiva Testarossa's...!!!
Can't believe you had to ask... jeesh -- they'll get you us a 5.13 REAL FAST ...
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arjunrattan
Apr 8, 2005, 7:27 AM
Post #320 of 977
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hey nOOb...
well i have indeed learned alot from you about climbing..though i;ve now reached that point in my climbing careeer where i need to pimp myself out..and be cool 8^) 8^) (i am a pathetic gumb at present)...
it would be great if there was in fact an ASK THE gUMb..so that i could get all the dope info to start pimpin...
peace,brah(dont sound correct,yo..see wat i mean,...ima gumb)
arjun
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ajkclay
Apr 8, 2005, 7:46 AM
Post #321 of 977
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Dear nOOb,
I say embrace your pasty-white blubbery-ness and climb shirtless with pride.
Better yet, stand at the bottom of problems with shirt off and shout out encouragement and beta to climbers who will no doubt be grateful for your words of wisdom. Also make comments that suggest you sent that same problem just last week.
"Yah! Yah dude, come on! It's awesome, you can do it! It's not as hard as it looks! Yah!"
...but keep the beanie on, you have to let them know you do have cool climbing clothes.
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akclimber
Apr 8, 2005, 8:26 AM
Post #322 of 977
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Dear N00b,
How are babies made?
Do you need to send some mad, crazy proj with skillz?
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viciado
Apr 8, 2005, 9:04 AM
Post #323 of 977
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In reply to: Dear N00b, How are babies made? Do you need to send some mad, crazy proj with skillz?
Haven't you been reading this thread? Are you seriously asking a BOULDERER?
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akclimber
Apr 8, 2005, 6:00 PM
Post #324 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: Dear N00b, How are babies made? Do you need to send some mad, crazy proj with skillz? Haven't you been reading this thread? Are you seriously asking a BOULDERER?
I wanted to have it explained with a virgins point of view. :lol:
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drector
Apr 8, 2005, 6:53 PM
Post #325 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: Dear n00b, (insert funny climbing stereotype here) Your thoughts? (Insert moderately witty, highly crafted response here, complete with lots of italics...dots...and phrases like rad, yo!) Allez. Ding! Now serving #47. Homard.
Dear Noob,
Your response made me (insert internet standard acronym or abereviation here). Although you are a climbing noob, I suspect that you have some sort of advanced degree in philosophy and writing. Can you give us a short bio on yourself?
Thanks.
Dave
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subtle
Apr 10, 2005, 7:53 PM
Post #326 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: Dear N00b, How are babies made? Do you need to send some mad, crazy proj with skillz? Haven't you been reading this thread? Are you seriously asking a BOULDERER? I wanted to have it explained with a virgins point of view. :lol:
...ummmm...
Well, I obviously can't help you out there...errr, as far as you know...but I can take time out from my non-stop schedule of circus-like sexual antics with dozens of ninteen year old nymphomaniac underwear models to give you an answer. My extensive Wierd Science-style computer simulations...done as a public service, of course...have led me to understand the following: Pimp Steezos may get you a chalk sponsor, but they will not get you Mad Booty, yo.
Apparently, making a baby takes three people...and a small imported car of some sort. Generally, this will be a Dope Pimp (DP), a Rad Hottie (RH), and a Pathetic Gumby (PG)...and a 1996 Subaru Impreza. The DP will be deeply in lust with the RH, he will want her nearly as much as the V9 proj he is currently working next to the V0+ that the RH is trying to talk the PG off the ground on. In-between tendon-snapping burns on the razor blade crimpers of the Uber-Proj, the DP tries to ignore the PG's tenacious ass-spotting of the RH and offers encouragement like "Allez, yo! Drive by the manky pinch and thrutch to the sloper gaston, it's bomber, word!". The RH will completely ignore the DP's sage beta and take an awkward fall into the tentacle-like clutches of the PG, who will manage to spot her sports-bra while allowing her head to bounce off the ground a few times. The PG will recover from this slight faux pas by mumbling "Ummm...You smell like flowers", at which point the combination of his 'deep sensitivity' and her impending concussion will sweep the RH off her feet. The PG and the RH will wander off to the back seat of Subaru Impreza and...well...I guess...order...a baby out of some sort of...ummm...catalog? The shipping and handling must suck, yo...it takes like nine months to arrive.
Allez. They call me 'Hef'. Homard.
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dirtineye
Apr 11, 2005, 4:56 PM
Post #327 of 977
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Dear N00b,
I could not help but notice that you made a serious post recently, in a different thread even, so I just wanted to ask if you are feeling OK:
Are you feeling OK?
By the way, who calls you"Hef", and what does that stand for? Is this some new bouldering lingo?
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akclimber
Apr 11, 2005, 5:39 PM
Post #328 of 977
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In reply to: Dear N00b, I could not help but notice that you made a serious post recently, in a different thread even, so I just wanted to ask if you are feeling OK: Are you feeling OK? By the way, who calls you"Hef", and what does that stand for? Is this some new bouldering lingo?
I saw that too, and was like, JWA!?!? Where's the sarcasm?
Must be sick.
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subtle
Apr 11, 2005, 11:20 PM
Post #329 of 977
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In reply to: Can you give us a short bio on yourself?
Name: Subtle
DOB: My Fake ID says I'm 78, so I buy beer with a Senior Citizen discount. Rad, yo!
Height: 5'11"
Weight: Pi x R squared, where R = errr, Dave Graham
Occupation: Professional couch dweller.
Hair Color: Under a beanie, who knows?
Eye Color: Green.
Dominant Hand: That's kind of personal, isn't it? Oh...nevermind...thought you meant something else. Right handed.
Marital Status: Massively available...line starts to the left. Now serving...number zero!
Favorite Book: Confessions of a Serial Climber - Mark Twight
Favorite Movie: The latest Japanese Anime Climbing Porn - Honey Sloper Bomber Bucket IV
Favorite Food: Chocolate Chip MetRX bars & Diet Coke.
Recent Road Trips: Bishop, Red Rocks, slag heap behind landfill.
Lifetime Project: Iron Man Traverse V4...500+ repetitions so far...the third move is really feeling solid.
Sponsors: Mom gave me $5 and a MetRX bar...so...Mom.
Tick List: Some chossy V0+, the really chossy V0- next to it.
Catch Phrase: Allez. Homard.
Pop Quiz: _____. ______.
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bmxer
Apr 11, 2005, 11:32 PM
Post #330 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: Can you give us a short bio on yourself? Subtle DOB: My Fake ID says I'm 78, so I buy beer with a Senior Citizen discount. Rad, yo! Height: 5'11" Weight: Pi x R squared, where R = errr, Dave Graham Occupation: Professional couch dweller. Hair Color: Under a beanie, who knows? Eye Color: Green. Dominant Hand: That's kind of personal, isn't it? Oh...nevermind...thought you meant something else. Right handed. Marital Status: Massively available...line starts to the left. Now serving...number zero! Favorite Book: Confessions of a Serial Climber - Mark Twight Favorite Movie: The latest Japanese Anime Climbing Porn - Honey Sloper Bomber Bucket IV Favorite Food: Chocolate Chip MetRX bars & Diet Coke. Recent Road Trips: Bishop, Red Rocks, slag heap behind landfill. Lifetime Project: Iron Man Traverse V4...500+ repetitions so far...the third move is really feeling solid. Sponsors: Mom gave me $5 and a MetRX bar...so...Mom. Tick List: Some chossy V0+, the really chossy V0- next to it. Catch Phrase: Allez. Homard. Pop Quiz: _____. ______.
Impressive resume. How would you like to work for us? We provide rock climbing equipment and need you to be our new spokesman.
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subtle
Apr 12, 2005, 3:13 PM
Post #331 of 977
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In reply to: Impressive resume. How would you like to work for us? We provide rock climbing equipment and need you to be our new spokesman.
Ummm, are you insane, man?
Although working for a living would certainly be a novel idea, I'm going to have to point out a few of the reasons why hiring any climber...and me in particular...is a fairly poor idea...and by poor, I mean massively horribly bad.
Firstly, hiring a climber to work in an equipment store is approximately like hiring a starving 560lb person to watch your giant pile of chocolate chip cookies for a second. It may start with the best of intentions, but it always ends with a pile of crumbs and a severe milk jones. While most climbers are about the last people on earth to steal something from you, they do generally tend to be the first people to borrow everything in sight, then go on a two year roadtrip to Patagonia with it.
Motivation is also somewhat of an issue. I don't mean to suggest that climbers are lazy in general, we just tend to conserve energy at...all levels. That could be interpreted as sleeping 'till the crack of noon, then walking to the coffee shop for 1/2 hour, then rolling into work at 12:30...after that, I'm there for you, brah. Oh, I gotta take off at 1:30, though, there's a rad sesh going down at les blocs, yo. You understand...
...and can I borrow this new crashpad we just got in? Sweet!
Allez. Dental Plan? Homard.
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subtle
Apr 13, 2005, 3:26 PM
Post #332 of 977
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In reply to: I have no friends, and I don't know where to buy a belay monkey. I'm lonely and without a climbing buddy. Please help.
It's probably better that you didn't buy a belay monkey, to be honest. Although the prehensile tail is nice for anchoring in for the inevitable weight differential...the fact that they fling poo on you when you flail on their project can be a bit of a bummer. Now, that's pressure to perform...
...but I digress.
The obvious solution is for you to create an imaginary climbing partner. The advantages are so overwhelming, I can barely understand why anyone climbs with a real person anymore. You always get to work the problems you want to, it's always your turn to go, and they never stand you up in the parking lot. For added realism, bring along an extra pair of shoes and a half eaten Cliff Bar and leave them on your crashpad. When asked who you're climbing with, simply make up a cool name like...Dirk Thrutchwell or Lizzie Crimperino...and say they're off checking out a rad V12 around the corner. Under no circumstances, though, should you draw a mental blank and say "Chris Sharma". This will create massive intellectual confusion in your intended audience, as they will not be sure exactly why a V15 climber is 'working' your V1- chosspile proj...and besides...they were supposed to be climbing with Imaginary Sharma today. That two-timing flute playing bastard!
There is a dark side to Imaginary Partners, though...just like The Dark Side of The Force, but with...fewer lightsaber battles, regrettably. Imaginary Partners tend to be very poor spotters...even worse than poo flinging monkeys. Worse than that is the first big fight you have with your Imagninary Partner...it's always in front of a huge crowd, and someone always ends up crying and tearfully begging for another chance. But that's not the worst of it...
...wait 'till your Imaginary Partner sleeps with your Imaginary Best Friend. Man, that's some aggro drama, brah. Good luck with that.
Allez. Chris should be here any second. Homard.
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discolegsyndrome
Apr 13, 2005, 3:41 PM
Post #333 of 977
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Dear all knowing, all wise, all ham sandwich eating n00b,
Again, I come to request your wisest of wise advice.
After reading this post regarding a How To Rock Climb article, more specifically after reading the description on aid climbing:
In reply to: Aid climbing: When the face of the mountain doesn't offer any more grips and holds, some experienced climbers pull out suction cups and similar tools to climb up. This is a very dangerous method.
I feel I'm now ready to make my assault on The Nose, except for the fact that I'm still a bit puzzled on the bestest technique on how to employ the suction cups. Also, what other similar tools would I be needing? I have 2 toilet plungers (a #2 and a #3.5) on my rack already.
Could you please enlighten me?
Sincerely,
Cliffhanger wannabe
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wright
Apr 13, 2005, 4:13 PM
Post #334 of 977
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Dear Noob,
Over the past few months I've managed to injure and re-injure something in my back like 8 times or something. It used to only happen while climbing. Now it happens while doing normal stuff, like getting out of bed, walking around the office, or staring off into space. Should I see a doctor or just start taking drugs?
Thanks for the advice.
Wright
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mfornont85
Apr 14, 2005, 3:18 AM
Post #335 of 977
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Is the pop quiz answer "Allez. Homard." ?
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jomal
Apr 14, 2005, 6:28 AM
Post #337 of 977
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Yo n00b,
So I have managed to get a girlfriend, which I attribute to the fact that I'm a horrible boulderer and never wear a beanie, but I'm only vaguely certain that she is a girl...
So if I get her to start climbing, will she get Mad Hot? You know, like "climbr chix r sooo h0t" hot. I can only assume she will...
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subtle
Apr 14, 2005, 1:32 PM
Post #338 of 977
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In reply to: Over the past few months I've managed to injure and re-injure something in my back like 8 times or something. It used to only happen while climbing. Now it happens while doing normal stuff, like getting out of bed, walking around the office, or staring off into space. Should I see a doctor or just start taking drugs?
...start taking drugs? Start?!? What the hell kind of lowlife dirtbag scumball climber are you? Apparently not much of one...you're probably a...lawyer, aren't you! You're all out at the crag with your pinstriped suit and briefcase full of chalk, being all "If it pleases the ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I shall hike this 5.7+ forthwith". Errrr, I'd better shut up or you'll slap a restraining order on me...anyhow...
A doctor is just going to tell you to take a bunch of time off, which is obviously just crazy talk. A sensible regimine of stretching and flexibility training could prove useful...and would also make you the first climber ever to do something sensible. I think you'd get some sort of a merit badge for that.
You could sew it to your suit.
Allez. Saville Row. Homard.
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subtle
Apr 14, 2005, 10:27 PM
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In reply to: So I have managed to get a girlfriend, which I attribute to the fact that I'm a horrible boulderer and never wear a beanie, but I'm only vaguely certain that she is a girl... So if I get her to start climbing, will she get Mad Hot? You know, like "climbr chix r sooo h0t" hot. I can only assume she will...
Amazingly enough, you are absolutely correct. The second your girlfriend slips on her manky green rental shoes and dons her first beanie from the gym gift shop, she will instantly turn into a solid gold, 100% pure, super-duper angel of love and beauty.
And, at that precise moment, you are 100% super-duper screwed. And not in the good way, either...
If you've ever seen one of those Discovery Channel specials about wild animals...Dingo Rampage...Marmosets of Wrath...Chipmunk vs. Orangutan III...whatever...you know how large herds of creatures act when new stimuli are introduced...they freak right the hell out. Your jug-hauling interloper is the stimulus, brah, and you're in the pirahna tank with...the marmosets...nevermind, I'll explain.
At first sight of The Prey the lead dingo...errr, gym employee...will let out some sort of howl or other subtle signal to alert the rest of pack. While he has her attention quasi-monopolized during the poorly administered belay test, the other 53 boulderers doing laps on the V8 in the corner will spring into action...feverishly tearing off their shirts in a bizarre mating dance of 123lb teenage pasty whiteness and matching Prana ninja-pants. As soon as you and...errr, Mrs. Jomal...venture close to this frothing malestrom of pent-up testosterone, you will be summarily trampled under 53 pair of V10s as the entire group vies to be the lucky one to booty-spot her has she craters off the V0- near the soda machine. For the entire time you're in the gym, any problem you so much as look at will be immediately gang-campused by the pre-algebra set in an attempt to prove superiority to your non-beanie wearing gumbness...because as everybody who's a 16 year old boulderer knows, dope crimp strength = mad phat sexual steezos.
You have only one means of escape...run for the Top Ropes. The Top Rope is the natural enemy of the adolescent boulderer. In time, you will learn to carry a harness with you as you walk into the gym, brandishing it like a crucifix before Dracula. Back! Spawn of Sharma! Back to your crimpy underworld!
Allez. Watch out for the Wolfman. Homard.
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ron_burgandy
Apr 14, 2005, 10:47 PM
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Well said.... I give it a 10!
That was one of the funnier things that has ever graced my eardrums... or whatever...
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timmay
Apr 15, 2005, 1:53 PM
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I was in the gym yesterday and I overheard some boulderers talking about a move called a dinosaur. What is this dinosaur and where can I get my own dinosaur?
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sarcat
Apr 15, 2005, 2:40 PM
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Dear n00b:
Tragedy has struck and I now find myself 38 years old, with 4 kids, a mortgage, a 8-5 job and 15 lbs over the government recomended weight for my 6' 1" frame. Is there any chance for me to achive climbing satisfaction in the future?
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subtle
Apr 18, 2005, 5:39 PM
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Although I am not a doctor...or even a veterinarian...I have watched several re-runs of General Hospital and you are clearly suffering from advanced Altitude Sickness Syndrome (advanced ASS). You're flying too close to the sun, brah, where angels fear to Trad. The climbing community can't afford to lose you, your gritty purist ethics are an inspiration to all. Symptoms of this insidious silent killer include wearing ridicuous belay gloves while climbing, standing in an aider six inches away from a foot chip the size of a volkswagen, and placing redundant pro on screamers four feet off the ground. Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't think to put a #6 step-stool on your rack so you could get a solid rest stance and shake out a little on that uber-sketchy testpiece. Fortunately, your belayer seems to have you well protected.
There is only one way to beat Advanced ASS, and that's to stick closer to mother earth. I'd suggest you check into bouldering. Classic ground-hugging lines like Evilution and The Thimble will allow you to de-pressurize the ol' noggin and give you many more years of mellow crusing on smooth moves.
Get your send on, broham.
Allez. Do we look like ants from up there? Homard.
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taualum23
Apr 18, 2005, 5:47 PM
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Nice use of that picture, glad to see it {fnord} used again.
Huh. I LOVE that this thread made it to page 23.
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subtle
Apr 19, 2005, 7:22 PM
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In reply to: Dear n00b: Tragedy has struck and I now find myself 38 years old, with 4 kids, a mortgage, a 8-5 job and 15 lbs over the government recomended weight for my 6' 1" frame. Is there any chance for me to achive climbing satisfaction in the future?
Hmmm, let's see...
Most likely, you have achieved a state of zen-like enlightenment about your place in the universe. You celebrate every day as the fulfillment of the magical intersection of karma and happenstance that has brought you to this warm and wonderful place at the center of your consciousness. Then you go to the crag and see a 17 year old crank an insane V13 power move and promptly sell your soul to the devil for rad crimp strength and a skosh more core tension. Before you sign on the line, bro, let me offer a suggestion...
There is another way, you see. No, don't sell your soul to me...I'm making poor use of the one I already have...and besides, my crimp strength is barely enough to open a jar of pickles.
I think it's time for you to join the Senior Tour of climbing...the Crusty Trad Guy Army. All you need is a hernia-inducing rack of vintage gear and about 2389 war stories about run-out 5.5+ pitches that "Woulda scared the pee outa one a them pebble pinchin' freakos". Bonus points if you are cracking open a beer with a nut tool as you say that. Double bonus points if you sling the beer and use it as pro...and a refreshing beverage for your second.
While going over to the hex and nut set might not be your ultimate dream, look at the positives. 45lbs too heavy to pull a V7 crux?...heck...you're probably positively anorexic by traddie standards. People will be deluging you with ham sandwiches and high-carb beer in an attempt to get you back into shape...after all, you'll need your strength for Mellow Cruising After Breakfast Boozing 5.4+.
That's no cakewalk. Mmmmmm, cake.
Allez. I sold my soul and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Homard.
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subtle
Apr 21, 2005, 2:49 PM
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In reply to: I was in the gym yesterday and I overheard some boulderers talking about a move called a dinosaur. What is this dinosaur and where can I get my own dinosaur?
Ahhh, it's good to see today's youth taking an interest in history.
A dinosaur was one of the first moves ever invented in climbing, way back in the Jurassic or...Yosemite...periods of history. The fossil record is a little unclear, but we can look back to Sloper Slapper B.S.(Before Sharma) - Paleozoic Pimps for some clues. This groundbreaking film...set to a driving score of log banging on rock techno...shows possibly the first ever climbing comp, as The Hunters faced off against The Gatherers for some dope prizes including...a crashpad made out of mud and...some...fire. Anyway, the Hunters were getting frustrated by the Gatherer's dope static strength and jealous of their sponsor-provided sticky-fur foot wrappings. In an fit of agro pre-dating Red Bull by some 6000 years, the strongest of the Hunters...Ugak Kiehl...lept from the start holds all the way to the finish jug with a resounding BZZZZAAAAAAAATTTT!!! Granted, it was like...V1-...but still, it was rad, yo! The gatherers were defeated, and a move was born.
You probably know the rest. The story of the Magical Move was etched onto numerous petroglyphs and cave paintings. When the bouldering area was overrun by the Roman Empire some time later, the emperor Pimpimus Maximus adopted the custom and made Dyno Comps (they dropped the 'saur' early on) a regular part of the circuses at the Coliseum. Granted, you didn't want to finish second...
Allez. Is that a Lion? Homard.
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subtle
Apr 21, 2005, 2:53 PM
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In reply to: I was in the gym yesterday and I overheard some boulderers talking about a move called a dinosaur. What is this dinosaur and where can I get my own dinosaur?
Ahhh, it's good to see today's youth taking an interest in history.
A dinosaur was one of the first moves ever invented in climbing, way back in the Jurassic or...Yosemite...periods of history. The fossil record is a little unclear, but we can look back to Sloper Slapper B.S.(Before Sharma) - Paleozoic Pimps for some clues. This groundbreaking film...set to a driving score of log banging on rock techno...shows possibly the first ever climbing comp, as The Hunters faced off against The Gatherers for some dope prizes including...a crashpad made out of mud and...some...fire. Anyway, the Hunters were getting frustrated by the Gatherer's dope static strength and jealous of their sponsor-provided sticky-fur foot wrappings. In an fit of agro pre-dating Red Bull by some 6000 years, the strongest of the Hunters...Ugak Kiehl...lept from the start holds all the way to the finish jug with a resounding BZZZZAAAAAAAATTTT!!! Granted, it was like...V1-...but still, it was rad, yo! The gatherers were defeated, and a move was born.
You probably know the rest. The story of the Magical Move was etched onto numerous petroglyphs and cave paintings. When the bouldering area was overrun by the Roman Empire some time later, the emperor Pimpimus Maximus adopted the custom and made Dyno Comps (they dropped the 'saur' early on) a regular part of the circuses at the Coliseum. Granted, you didn't want to finish second...
Allez. Is that a Lion? Homard.
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alcyone
Apr 21, 2005, 5:35 PM
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I live in Arizona and, while there are plenty of real rocks lying around, I'm not fond of the heat and snakes and what not. I also want to make a statement about how rebellious and cool I am and I think that climbing buildings is pretty rebellious. However, I'm not sure if buildering is an acceptable form of climbing. Your thoughts? I would also like to know what gear I will need and what type of attire is considered cool. Please help me!
PS. I'm also thinking about trad buildering, that would be pimp.
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hulgan
Apr 21, 2005, 5:55 PM
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The other day I overheard some trad-tech guys boasting about their "huge dividend checks". Apparently there's this company that sent them money just for using gear from their store? The same day I found these guys were quaking their way up a 5.6-, impregnating the stone with titanium super-cams every 18" so how'd they get such a kick-ass sponsor?
I'm really confused! I've got 15" forearms, cool scars and mad crimp strength yet I still must pay full price for my Red Bull. What gives? How can I get hooked up with a lucrative dividend check sponsor?
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viciado
Apr 21, 2005, 7:12 PM
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In reply to: I... want to make a statement about how rebellious and cool I am.
In reply to: However, I'm not sure if buildering is an acceptable form of climbing
Oxymoron?
In reply to: PS. I'm also thinking about trad buildering, that would be pimp.
Now, theres an idea! How many Kn does it take to break a brick?
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j_ung
Apr 21, 2005, 7:38 PM
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Dear NOOB,
I'm a trad climber AND a vegetarian. Are there any acceptable meat-free substitutes for ham sandwiches? I know how to boil water, but I've only done it in the gym -- I mean kitchen -- not outside.
Sincerely,
Runout and Hungry
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billcoe_
Apr 21, 2005, 7:40 PM
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In reply to: Yes, indeed. As stated above, to be a real hard ass trad climber you must invest in a whack of gear. However, this is just the tip of the iceberg...it is absolutely PARAMOUNT that said gear be comprised of many diverse items. Included in these items you must have gear you can use safely but most importantly you must have gear that you don't know how to use at all(safely or otherwise) and gear that you don't even know the name of! Really, I cannot stress this enough. Next, drag this gear around everywhere you go so that you will be preppared to plug it in at a moments notice knowing that should you have to, you could drop a truck on every placement because you read that blurb in Climbing Magazine's Tech Tips section. The first benefit of draging your rack everywhere should be obvious... that the gear will show signs of wear consistant with a hard ass tradster and secondly people must SEE YOU WITH TRAD GEAR. This is key! If no one see's you with trad gear they will just call buls*@t as soon as you open your mouth about anything trad-esgue. When you go to the gym (where all trad daddies train) remember to clip gear to your harness gear loops and make sure that it will flap around wildly when you dog up that soft 5.6. Now I know what you're thinking, "ohh I'll use my #5 camalot and #4 Bro with a few small nuts and a figure 8 for noise". WRONG! With most aspects of trad, bigger is usually better however in this case, less IS more. Since you have limited space for this you must optimise your gear choices for the situation. This means SPECIALIZED GEAR. Yes, one or two of the smallest Aliens and ball nuts along with a Petzl folding knife and ONE cordelett. Hear me? ONE CORDELETT! Any traddy worth their salt should be able to rescue their whole team from the tea room of Satan himself using ONLY one cordelett and ONE bentgate binner. As for the figure 8, anyone who knows anything will spot that 8 a mile away and you'll be labeled a poser for life. NEVER wear a figure 8. A carabiner brake and a hip belay are all that should EVER be required while belaying trad or rapelling. You don't need to know what these terms mean, just know when to use them. If you screw this part up you might as well just stay at the gym and supervise birthday groups because your trad days will be over before they start. Now, what I'm about to tell you may seem confusing and maybe a little shocking but the following is THE paradox of trad climbing. Although there are scads of different gizmos and widgets available to the hardcore trad climber and it is requisite to have the biggest gear rack you can afford (by "afford" I am referring to that grey area between serious debt and bankruptcy) the truly hardcore yo-trad-e-mite knows that there is no situation (real or imagined) which cannot be solved, with style and grace, using good old fashioned nuts. That's right...nuts. You will never need anything other than a set of nuts. Make that two sets of nuts so you can stack if need be. If you EVER think that you need something bigger than two stacked #13 stoppers, you are not paying attention and you deserve to take the whipper. Again you don't need to know what the terms "stack" "whipper" or "stopper" mean, just know when to use them. So when buying gear you should not be afraid to double or tripple up on everything and when you find that lone #7 Tricam in the clearence bin for the love of god, buy it man. You never know when you will find the perfect placement for that piece and if you had brought it with you would be perfect for that placement. Of course you must leave it at home because why? Correct, you will never need anything bigger than two stacked #13 stoppers. However owning the #7 Tricam means that IF you had brought it along, you could have used that outrageously large pocket. This is the stuff that pub stories are MADE of people, pay attention here. So in a nutshell, read the bold text again. Happy tradding and everything I have said here is a lie accept for the Satans tea room thing, that's true.
Cam, I just caught the fact that this is a masterful piece of work mixed in with the N00bs solid writing. Great job and Kudos!
Bill
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singingwater
Apr 21, 2005, 8:05 PM
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(i know I am not really the n00b but I really must help the almighty out on this one, the question is calling me)
Ahhh this rad sponser that you speak of is called REI. When you buy stuff from REI that is not on sale REI will give you a percentage of this purchase and put it on your dividend. At the end of the year REI will send you a piece of paper that tells you how much you have on your dividend and then you can use that money towards one of your next purchases. Nice ehh?
Allez. Not really the n00b Homard.
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subtle
Apr 23, 2005, 9:37 PM
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In reply to: I also want to make a statement about how rebellious and cool I am and I think that climbing buildings is pretty rebellious. However, I'm not sure if buildering is an acceptable form of climbing. Your thoughts? I would also like to know what gear I will need and what type of attire is considered cool. Please help me! PS. I'm also thinking about trad buildering, that would be pimp.
Well, we here at Ask The NOOB are proud to be your one-stop shop for all of your Rebellion & Pimping needs. Please direct your attention to aisle 14, and our sales staff will be right with you...
The definition of what climbing is depends on what your definition of 'is' is. Since as a boulderer I obviously did not have sex with Monica Lewinski, but I have seen virtually every climbing movie ever made, I can authoritatively state that buildering is just as valid as a ground-up no-bolts trad ascent on a unclimbed line in a beautiful setting at your absolute personal limit...if you have a subscription to Urban Climber, that is. That being the case, you are probably already wearing $140 Blerr jeans, a Dopegun hoodie and sipping Corvoisier & Red Bull in the VIP room at the gym...and if so, can you get me in? Errr...Nevermind...
To be fair, though, climbing is essentially a bizarre and useless activity, anyway...so is crimping your way up a stone wall in front of a law office any sillier than a boulder in Bishop? I mean, it's not like there's candy at the top of The Mandala...if you get to the top of Legal Brief V2-, you might get a ticket...at least you have something to show for your effort, right?
To enhance your rad urban steezos and pump up your street cred, I'd suggest abandoning the traditional climber garb in favor of something a little more...cosmopolitan. I mean, looking like a dirty hippie is the bomber shiznit on day 9 of the roadtrip with your posse, but you don't want to be cranking a hard sit-start only to have a random passerby ask "Why is that homeless person humping the facade?" and throwing spare change in your nalgene.
No, there's only one sensible thing to do. Get a giant gorilla suit and pretend to be King Kong. I mean, you could go with Spider Man, but unless you're on the Dave Graham Diet, the spandex body suit won't be doing you any favors. Nah, Kong it up, Brah. Everybody knows that fur coats are Big Pimping, and you can't pimp any bigger than a full jumpsuit with integral hairy ninja-pants. Remember, King Kong totally sent the Empire State building, which goes at like 97 pitches of 5.11+ face climbing. If you're going to bite on someone's flava, go with a winner brah.
Put down the cell phone and get your Kong on.
Allez. There isn't candy at the top of The Mandala, is there? Homard.
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subtle
Apr 25, 2005, 4:04 PM
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In reply to: The other day I overheard some trad-tech guys boasting about their "huge dividend checks". Apparently there's this company that sent them money just for using gear from their store? I'm really confused! I've got 15" forearms, cool scars and mad crimp strength yet I still must pay full price for my Red Bull. What gives? How can I get hooked up with a lucrative dividend check sponsor?
Hmmm, a fascinating question...one that has forced me out of my normal comfort zone of...my parent's couch watching a climbing movie and into the cruel and alien world of...High Finance...I quickly slapped Wall Street into the DVD played, donned my best Prana power suit, and got to work.
Using the high tech search features of the...interweb...I was able to seek out the companies that pay the higest dividends...figuring that these fat cats would have so much moola slopping around the trough that they could easily spare some small change to get you a couple of tricams and a case of Red Bull. I didn't like what I saw, and neither will you. Unless you feel like climbing for some global oil companies and a shady conglomerate with highly ethical businesses like making baby seals sew counterfit Nike shoes in a sweatshop for $0.02 a week...well...we might have to re-think this one. Back to the drawing board...errr...couch.
You could go the conventional route, and apply to the sponsor factories like Prana and Blerr and Dopegun...you just mail them a highly photoshopped shot of you sending Spectre V13 in your bunny slippers and wait for the crates of booty to arrive via UPS. The downside of this one is you're probably about the 73rd person Dopegun is sponsoring at your gym alone...so enjoy the hour or so of trying to find which beanie/hoodie/gear bag is yours among the giant heap of LogoWearTM piled up under The Proj. Nah, bro...I gots a better idea.
You need to focus on the untapped potential of companies that would do anything to associate with a sport populated by young attractive people with heaps of disposable income...and since they can't find any of those people...will give stuff to dirty shoeless vagabonds that cling to the undersides of rocks for fun. Here's what you do. Get yourself a nice picture of Dave Graham, glue your head on, and send it to Ben & Jerry's, Hershey and...the people that make...butter. They will instantly feel so much pity that they will LifeFlight you a giant check and a 55 gallon drum of Cherry Garcia. Rad, yo! Get your spoon on.
Allez. Greed is Good. Homard.
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climbaddic
Apr 25, 2005, 4:25 PM
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In reply to: Although I am not a doctor...or even a veterinarian...I have watched several re-runs of General Hospital and you are clearly suffering from advanced Altitude Sickness Syndrome (advanced ASS). You're flying too close to the sun, brah, where angels fear to Trad. The climbing community can't afford to lose you, your gritty purist ethics are an inspiration to all. Symptoms of this insidious silent killer include wearing ridicuous belay gloves while climbing, standing in an aider six inches away from a foot chip the size of a volkswagen, and placing redundant pro on screamers four feet off the ground. Frankly, I'm surprised you didn't think to put a #6 step-stool on your rack so you could get a solid rest stance and shake out a little on that uber-sketchy testpiece. Fortunately, your belayer seems to have you well protected. There is only one way to beat Advanced ASS, and that's to stick closer to mother earth. I'd suggest you check into bouldering. Classic ground-hugging lines like Evilution and The Thimble will allow you to de-pressurize the ol' noggin and give you many more years of mellow crusing on smooth moves. Get your send on, broham. Allez. Do we look like ants from up there? Homard.
I mean when leader falls, I get bloody nose. How should I protect myself from getting bloody nose? Should I wear a hokey mask just like Jason from the Friday the 13th? Wouldn't that scare other hot climber chicks? Oh wait I am a boulder as well, so hot climber chicks are always scared.
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subtle
Apr 26, 2005, 3:06 PM
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In reply to: I mean when leader falls, I get bloody nose. How should I protect myself from getting bloody nose? Should I wear a hokey mask just like Jason from the Friday the 13th? Wouldn't that scare other hot climber chicks? Oh wait I am a boulder as well, so hot climber chicks are always scared.
Ahhhh, an age-old dilemma. You are caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place of wearing a sensible piece of horror-movie inspired protective gear and the social niceites of attracting the fairer sex. Well, as a ninth-dan black belt at scaring away women, I can totally help you out with this one, bro...my kung fu is strong.
From my experience...and that experience consists of...errr...reading things off...the interweb...and the occasional quasi-article in Metro Pimpin'...climber women are often repelled by clumsy affectations designed to attract their attention. Now, I know what you're thinking...nobody could confuse the velvety smoothness of rocking a sweet hockey mask with a 'clumsy affectation'...but just to be sure, here's what you do. Don't call attention to it. Just stand there, doing your usual excellent belaying job, working your NHL spec Jason-wear like the rad honemaster you are. Pretty soon, the Prana-clad woman of your dreams is going to notice that you're not like the other guys. Is it your flawless plastic complexion? Your sensitive eyes peering out from behind the drilled out slots? Your dazzling smile that is so well protected by the integral mouthguard? All of the above, mon cherie!
I mean, you're pretty friggin' irresistable, bro.
Oh, and as a practical note, you might want to give your climber a little more slack and stand a little further away...it could cut down on the whole nose-bashing thing, too. Just a thought.
Allez. Is that a machete in your pocket? Homard.
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rmcclmbr
Apr 26, 2005, 7:14 PM
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Oh infiinite pearl of wisdom that is the Noob, I had to thank you for helping us with our dietary questions on trad climbing. However, I am Jewish, and I cannot eat pigs ass (or what you people call Ham). Before I started to read your articles, I felt that I could never become a true trad climber, however you helped me realize that the ham sammich is the soul of trad climbing, and not a piece of kit. So I figured that I had a chance! I felt this because I thought that instead of trad climbing my 15 foot 5.6- life project while eating a ham sammich, I could maintian the soul by eating a boul of Matzah Ball soup during the 90 foot runout on a 5.12f offwidth. Am I right?? or will I infinately remain deprived of the opportunity to become a true trad climber?
My second question is this. Not only am I Jewish, but I am also Canadian (I have a lot going against me in the climbing world). This is quite the dilemma as I have been forced to learn French and become 'bilingual.' I am afraid that when I go into the real world of climbing, like in the US, where the French are loathed, that I may be shunned by my future climbing posse, and be considered a French gumb (which is even worse than just a gumb!!!!) however, I have the opportunity to pose as a sport climber (I'm Jewish so I can afford all the prana wear), and speak french, to attract hot climbin chicks. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?! should I embrace my faults as being a French speaking Canadian and get the women? or should I bow my head in shame and stick to bouldering and accept a life of no secks with women, but with rad crimp strength?
Crimp strength, or women...... A dilemma indeed
Merci Beaucoup Monsieur Noob
Allez. Bilangue. Homard.
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brokenarmboy19
Apr 26, 2005, 9:25 PM
Post #359 of 977
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Oh great and powerful n00b
I am working on that proj VB- and I have decided that the music at the gym is whats keeping me from being able to nail that last bomber jug that's 4' off the ground (I am 6'4") i can't stand it what kind of music should I tell them to play. I wait for your wisdom on this question
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subtle
Apr 27, 2005, 5:49 PM
Post #360 of 977
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In reply to: My second question is this. Not only am I Jewish, but I am also Canadian (I have a lot going against me in the climbing world). This is quite the dilemma as I have been forced to learn French and become 'bilingual.' I am afraid that when I go into the real world of climbing, like in the US, where the French are loathed, that I may be shunned by my future climbing posse, and be considered a French gumb (which is even worse than just a gumb!!!!) however, I have the opportunity to pose as a sport climber (I'm Jewish so I can afford all the prana wear), and speak french, to attract hot climbin chicks. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?! should I embrace my faults as being a French speaking Canadian and get the women? or should I bow my head in shame and stick to bouldering and accept a life of no secks with women, but with rad crimp strength?
Hmmmm, you raise a fascinating possibility...impersonating a sport climber. I'm totally doing it, brah. I'm going underground. Deep Cover. The Ask The NOOB staff will deny all knowledge of my whereabouts and mission, should I be captured by enemy forces. Allez. Infiltrator. Homard. Shhhhh....
Hey, hello there buddy. My name is Guy, and as soon as I finish this half-caf mocha latte, I'll shake your hand. My fiancee Peggy (points to inflatable life-sized Wonder Woman doll in passenger seat of rented Land Rover) and I just pulled in from Connecticut, and we're hoping to get on a couple of mellow 5.9s and really enjoy the day. That's our dog Pepper (actually a large badger with a post-it saying 'Dog' stuck on its back) chasing that squirrel over there. C'mere, Pepper. Here! Oh well, what are you going to do, right? Boy, this sure is a beautiful day. Well, I'd better get the gear out of the back. (opens tailgate and starts pulling out about 10 brand new REI and EMS bags filled with assortment of 'gear' purchased from eBay and local hardware store) Let's see...I've got the suction cups and...I guess this is a...rope?...huh, so that's what one looks like, kinda thin...and some...clicky rings...with some webbing...that's good, you need those...and here's my...umm, man-diaper...I forgot that last time, and boy was that ever a mess I tell you. (notices that other sport climbers are eyeing him suspiciously). Hey fellas, what you looking at? (notices giant bouldering pad sticking out of trunk, and that he forgot to change out of his chalk crusted DopeGun ninja pants and is still wearing bright yellow V10s because, in fact, they hurt too much to take off) Ummm, errr, yeah...I was just about to change into my spandex and put on my anasazi lace-ups and...Oh my God, is that Francois Le Grande! (grabs badger) Quick Pepper, they're on to us...run! Run!
Whew. That was a close one. That was like some sort of freaky Gattica scene, brah. My advice is stick with bouldering, it's much less badger intensive, and you don't have to mail order a Wonder Woman doll...unless you really want to.
Now, where's the sesh going down, yo?
Allez. Secret Agent Man. Homard.
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mrnomas
Apr 27, 2005, 8:23 PM
Post #361 of 977
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Registered: Sep 29, 2004
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Your Royal Noobness,
Being a total noob myself (see the post count) I need your sage advice. I've spent every dollar I've ever earned on a new dope pair of 5.10 Toe Annihilators and totally FAed my V0- proj in only 10 tries. I'm thinking that in a few weeks I can get my red point (or maybe purple).
All my totally pimp friends rip on me because I'm totally quiet when I climb. I tell them that it is because I am mad focused yo, but they don’t believe me. I thought that my new pimp shoes would shut them up but all it’s done is make the ends of my toes kinda black, I’m losing some feeling, and there is a funny smell that just won’t wash off. How do I get the respect I know that a student of the Noob deserves?
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hendicrimpin
Apr 27, 2005, 9:37 PM
Post #362 of 977
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Dear Ask the Noob,
What's a rope? People keep talking about it all over the place! Like: "And than you put the rope through the biner" and "the rope is your lifeline!" or "than tie a knot in the rope." I mean, i've been climbing for YEARS but this rope thing never, ever came up. Is it something optional, like rock colored chalk?
Anyone can respond to this question, but, please, only respond if you are totally sure what a "rope" is. I hate when other noobs answer noob questions. Thanks! :?
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oldsalt
Apr 28, 2005, 2:16 AM
Post #363 of 977
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In reply to: What's a rope? People keep talking about it all over the place! Like: "And than you put the rope through the biner" and "the rope is your lifeline!" or "than tie a knot in the rope." I mean, i've been climbing for YEARS but this rope thing never, ever came up. Is it something optional, like rock colored chalk?
Yeah, me too. I was in the office and my co-worker/climbing buddy was giving me a hard time in front of the rest of the staff about some crap. I said, "Don't give me a hard time in front of the staff. Remember, I hold your rope at the gym."
Everyone stopped talking and looked at me funny. Then they looked at my buddy funny. Then they all moved away. Was it because I mentioned a rope?
What is so funny about a guy's rope, anyway?
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brokenarmboy19
Apr 28, 2005, 4:56 AM
Post #364 of 977
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Registered: Jun 10, 2004
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Oh great and powerful n00b
I am working on that proj VB- and I have decided that the music at the gym is whats keeping me from being able to nail that last bomber jug that's 4' off the ground (I am 6'4") i can't stand it what kind of music should I tell them to play. I wait for your wisdom on this question
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subtle
Apr 28, 2005, 7:25 PM
Post #366 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: I am working on that proj VB- and I have decided that the music at the gym is whats keeping me from being able to nail that last bomber jug that's 4' off the ground (I am 6'4") i can't stand it what kind of music should I tell them to play. I wait for your wisdom on this question
I agree, it's definately the music that's holding you back. I mean, watch any climbing movie...Sloper Slapper XII - Dope DJ Dyno Demons, for example...and you see that the climber never sends the radge ish proj when the dreamy trancendental voiceover guy is babbling...I mean, who can concentrate with some patchouli-drenched idjit gum-flapping about how spiritually deep that 1/4 pad crimper is? Nah, bro, FFwd a few seconds until the rad techno soundtrack resumes and voila, the send train has left the station...next stop, chalk sponsorship, all aboard!
If you happen to be one of the unlucky few not to have your every move videotaped for inclusion in a sponsor-pleasing Pimp-o-rama, the next best thing you can do is give the guy who runs the stereo at the gym your custom mix CD of tunes to thrutch to. There are a few guidelines, of course:
1. The 2nd grade birthday party might like the 2 Live Crew, but their parent's tend not to.
2. You can never have too much Tool. I think they issue gyms a copy of Aenima.
3. You can also never have too much Reggae. Jah love, babalyon Pimp.
4. You can have entirely too much country music. And too much is...any.
5. Spoken word poetry will just get someone killed, most likely you.
Allez. Who's got my ABBA 8-Track? Homard.
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hulgan
Apr 28, 2005, 7:36 PM
Post #367 of 977
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Registered: Feb 16, 2004
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In reply to: You can also never have too much Reggae.
You used to be cool man but now... I don't even know you anymore...
I mean that stuff may fly- you know- outside by the campfire but in the gym? THINK man THINK! That would be like putting Zanex in your redbull, Yo.
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brokenarmboy19
Apr 28, 2005, 7:40 PM
Post #368 of 977
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Tool it is thank you oh god of n00bness
your infinite wisdom is legendary
Now with maynard at the helm i will tryumph over the ever elusive VB- (the pink route) at my gym. I think I will play "hooker with a penis" in my sponser me video
thank you ninja of the n00bieness
Lord of the Chalk
V0- god
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subtle
Apr 28, 2005, 7:49 PM
Post #369 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: You can also never have too much Reggae. You used to be cool man but now... I don't even know you anymore... I mean that stuff may fly- you know- outside by the campfire but in the gym? THINK man THINK! That would be like putting Zanex in your redbull, Yo.
Eh, personally, I prefer Maynard James Keenan...Third Eye was the only thing that got me up the grueling 5.8+ testpiece Gravy Train...but if Sonny Cheeba was good enough to get Jason Campbell up Supertweek 5.14b, well...I'm not doubting his skillz.
Allez. I've never been cool, and I'm not starting now. Homard.
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sed
Apr 28, 2005, 8:10 PM
Post #370 of 977
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NOOB, once i heard that wearing a helmet is safer so now i can't seem to take it off. i wear it to school, to work, i even wear it to sleep. have i become a wimped out freak show or will other climbers see me as like, totally devoted to this sport. should i take it off? lately i've got the damn chin strap so tight i can barely speak, i mean, what if the thing should fall off in a stiff wind.
help me
S
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subtle
May 2, 2005, 5:11 PM
Post #371 of 977
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In reply to: All my totally pimp friends rip on me because I'm totally quiet when I climb. I tell them that it is because I am mad focused yo, but they don’t believe me. I thought that my new pimp shoes would shut them up but all it’s done is make the ends of my toes kinda black, I’m losing some feeling, and there is a funny smell that just won’t wash off. How do I get the respect I know that a student of the Noob deserves?
Well, let's see...considering the quantity and quality of respect I get, I might suggest choosing a different benchmark, brah. Just a thought. But anyway...
It's like the age-old zen koan, which I will now sloppily paraphrase: "If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, did it make a sound?" A little cut 'n paste action, though, and you arrive at "If a Pimp sends the proj, and nobody films...errr...hears it, did he stick the move?" And the answer is obviously...no.
The primal war cry is the A-bomb of bouldering rad-ness...to be unleashed only after serious consideration of the consequences and a general evacuation of the population surrounding the likely area of devestation. Much like nuclear weapons, you don't want to needlessly deploy it on some Falkland Islands-esque V0- warm-up problem...no, it won't do...this is for the proj, and the proj only. Much like any doomsday type scenario, there are protocols and levels of threat to be worked through. First, you must fail spectacularly at some V-Hard move...this shouldn't be a problem. Then you must announce to the gym as a whole...wether they were paying attention in the first place or not..."Man, that move goes, yo!". Then, start taping all of your fingers...using at least two rolls to show how serious you are. While putting on a solid 1/4 inch thick basecoat of chalk up to your elbows, call out to your posse...imaginary or not...to "Spot me good, bros." It also helps to throw in a few random comments before pulling off the ground, y'know..."East Coast AGGRO" or something to that effect. Work you way up to the crux, and let 'er fly. The scream, I mean...we already know you can't do the move.
Since this is your first go, I'd recommend one of the classics. This simultaneously shows that you are an Old Skool OG Boulderer by respecting the rich tapestry of climbing movie scream history, as well as avoiding the occasional regrettable "Help me, mommy!" while plummeting toward earth. You can't go wrong with a solid Kehl-inspired "BZZZZZZZAAAAT!"...it never goes out of style, like parachute pants. If you somehow manage to accidentally stick the move, you have the option of the follow-up scream...I myself tend to favor "I'm Rick James, Beyotch!"...because...well, nobody's using that one any more.
Allez. What's my name? Homard.
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skinnyclimber
May 2, 2005, 6:04 PM
Post #372 of 977
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Uhhhh... hello Mr. NOOB, sir
Since I already know pretty much everything about climbing I won't waste time asking silly questions, I just need you to clarify a few of the finer points for me. I'm so glad I finally got up the courage to ask you, I just hope I don't get so nervous that I puke on my monitor...again. So here it goes
1) In my neverending quest to push the limits of what is humanly possible, I am wondering this: Is is possible to eat a HAM SANDWICH while wearing fluorescent orange tights, or will you just explode into a cloud of chalk? What if you were wearing a beanie at the same time?
2) After taking a MASSIVE 3 foot whipper the other day I totally pissed myself. So what's the best way to fit a man diaper underneath the previously mentioned orange tights? I just know that as soon as I stop pissing myself constantly and send my 5.6- testpeice then I will gain the respect of all the cool climbers who hangout at the crag, and they'll stop laughing whenever I show up.
Thanks in advance for what I am sure will be very good advice,
Skinny
PS, I just puked on my monitor...
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subtle
May 3, 2005, 4:48 PM
Post #373 of 977
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In reply to: In my neverending quest to push the limits of what is humanly possible, I am wondering this: Is is possible to eat a HAM SANDWICH while wearing fluorescent orange tights, or will you just explode into a cloud of chalk? What if you were wearing a beanie at the same time?
Oh brother, I'm totally not surprised you're doing an Exorcist impersonation all over your monitor. If this were the the middle ages, they'd probably be burning you as a witch...mostly because...you are a witch. Errrr...warlock? Whatever. Let me explain.
We know that the ham sandwich is the soul of trad climbing, of this there is no doubt. There are many that would assert that sport climbing has no soul...but if it did, it would certainly be a pair of day-glo spandies. I fear that by attempting this unholy stylistic cross-mojonation you're most likely going create some sort of a rip in the space/time continuum and either end up back in 1947 or as a soul-less zombie in search of tasty, tasty brains. Or...both. Dag, yo, that sucks.
I'm not sure if adding a beanie makes things worse or better...when you're this far out on the science fiction frontier, there are no absolutes. In the best case, you'll absorb the earthy sensibilites and zen groundedness of the bouldering tribe and be saved. That, or you'll be an undead zombie with...rad crimp strength. At least you'll have a shot at Sloper Slapper XIII - Undead Dyno Demons. I'm not sure that's exactly kick-ass compensation for wandering the world for all eternity muttering "braiiiiins"...but you might get a chalk sponsorship out of it...so it's not all bad, zombie-bro.
Allez. My brain isn't ripe yet, as far as you know. Homard.
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swimister
May 3, 2005, 6:04 PM
Post #374 of 977
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Okay so my question for the n00b is this:
How do you slack line.....I have the concept but how do you do it?
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subtle
May 4, 2005, 4:51 PM
Post #375 of 977
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In reply to: NOOB, once i heard that wearing a helmet is safer so now i can't seem to take it off. i wear it to school, to work, i even wear it to sleep. have i become a wimped out freak show or will other climbers see me as like, totally devoted to this sport. should i take it off? lately i've got the damn chin strap so tight i can barely speak, i mean, what if the thing should fall off in a stiff wind. help me S
We here at Ask The NOOB, Inc. feel that safety is of paramount importance...rad pimp steezos are dope, but it's hard to get your send on when you're dead...unless you're that zombie guy from the previous post, but that kinda a..errr...special case.
Really, though, I think you may be on to something. We boulderers are never without our beanies...and c'mon...it's not that frigging cold at Heuco Tanks in June, brah. So there's a sympathetic audience. In order to fit in with your headwear extended peer group, you need some sort of plausible reason...err, or big fat lie...as to why your...ummm, hardshell beanie...needs to be a little more robust than theirs. First off, slap a big old Prana sticker on there. Your StrongBad cartoon figure and Pretzl decal may wow them out in Ouray, but unless you're planning on dry tooling You're Not the Choss of Me V2-, you're just drawing attention to yourself. Ahhhh...I've got it...it's a beta test model of the new Metoolius Cranial Crashpad for...uber-highballs and...deep desert shallow water soloing. Man, that's frigging Rad, yo! Where can I get me one of those?
Plus, it'll totally keep those crag zombies off your noggin'.
Allez. Guard your brain. Homard.
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oldsalt
May 4, 2005, 6:20 PM
Post #376 of 977
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Registered: Jan 19, 2004
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This is a serious question (this cracks me up), uh...
I think that "Ask the Noob" should do some gear reviews here on good ole rc.com. I was looking for a review on those suction cups someone was writing about and couldn't find any. I said to myself, "Self, there is a virtual dearth of information on suction cups and other like products with the valuable Noob slant."
Other than the best suction cup (I prefer the Wal-Mart black model with inner lip ring), how about a review of those cute little biners that come with a key ring? Which ones have the right extra functionality?
During the Florida-Georgia football game last fall, I was lead soloing a really sick 5.5 friction test piece on Mt. Yonah. If I had not stopped at Dollar General and bought my carabineer cum FM radio, I would have had to sit in the parking lot 3 miles below the crag and listen to the game on the truck's radio. The reception was really good, especially since I was so far from the station, being 3400 feet up off the ground.
Thanks
(Typed on my carabineer cum laptop computer)
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subtle
May 5, 2005, 4:43 PM
Post #377 of 977
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In reply to: How do you slack line.....I have the concept but how do you do it?
I'm going to have to get into slightly more conjecture than usual, here...much like in my, errr, dating posts...since I've never actually slacklined. I could, if I wanted to...sure...I'd be damn good at it, as far as you know...anyway.
While I certainly wouldn't want to assert that there are anything as conformist as 'rules' to the free and pure pursuit of Slackin' Off, I have noticed a few common denominators:
1. Be Really Dirty: Slackline Nation broke away from Planet Boulderer some time ago, and since then have managed to comprehensively surpass them in terms of pure stank nastiness. Perhaps the thick swampy odor helps keep them stabilized...nobody can get close enough to ask.
2. Be Really Jobless: If homeless people aren't giving you spare change, you ain't no slackliner, brah...you're just some yuppie on vacation. Tourist.
3. Be Really Lazy: Standing on a 1 inch piece of webbing for 3-4 seconds is apparently hideously draining, since your typical slackliner will tend to lay on the grass for 3-4 hours beforehand storing up energy, then immeidatlely take a nap after falling off. It's like a triathalon, I think. Maybe harder.
4. Be Really Balanced: If you aren't calibrated like a swiss watch, you're going to be back on the grass and napping in no time...unless you counterbalance your lighter side with a beer...or a frisbee...or both. You might have to drink some of the beer to get the balance right, but don't drink too much or you'll have to start over with another beer. You wouldn't want that, no sir...
5. Be a Really Good Hackey Sack Player: Since at least 99.98% of your slacklining time will be spent not slacklining, bring a hackey sack. This also works on your foot-eye coordination which is key for...pretty much nothing...
...oh, you wanted to know how to slackline. Ummm, stand on the bastard and try not to fall off. Make a lot of frantic windmill arm motions as your posse goes "Whooooooaa! Oooohhhh! Whooo-hooo!" at your every bobble and jiggle. Then, when you fall off, take a nap or play hackey sack. No worries, brah, life is good.
Allez. Brother, can you spare some soap? Homard.
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brokenarmboy19
May 6, 2005, 2:24 AM
Post #378 of 977
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if weear vans levi's 501 and a dope beastie T Will i be OGT (original Gangsta trad) A swami belt and a Ham samwich and 500 gallons of protine powder Will it help me climb Chosie chosie pile of chos 5.2 oh and thank TOOL for the Idea of the fresh gear and what pieces of gear are the best to use please list all of them
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laskers
May 6, 2005, 4:01 PM
Post #379 of 977
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Dear n00b,
I have a really important question. When I was little I used to climb a lot of trees. Will that make me a good rock climber?
You see at first I wanted to be an English Punk Rock star, because I heard that punk was making a come back. Now I know what you are saying how can a 35 year old hick from Alabama with a heavy southern twang be an English Punk Rock star, but wait ...
"How Art Thou!"
MAN!! I wish you could have heard that because it was so dead on. No one would know that I wasn't from Canada. Plus I've seen The Holy Grail like 5 times, maybe and in kindergarten I got two stars on my ABC's paper.
But after reading your posts I thought that I might be an even better Rock Climbist. I climbed a lot of trees when I was little so I figured ... Trees? ... Rocks? ... They're both plants right, so how different could it be? Plus, how hard is it to eat Ham Sandwiches?
Anyway, let me know soon because my Mom really wants me to move out of the basement and I can't wait to be rich.
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subtle
May 9, 2005, 8:03 PM
Post #380 of 977
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In reply to: I climbed a lot of trees when I was little so I figured ... Trees? ... Rocks? ... They're both plants right, so how different could it be?
Whoa. Trees. I mean...whoa! This explains everything. Hold on, let me back up a bit...
Not long ago, as I was hopelessly lost and stumbling along a dark and murky forest path toward some hypothetical boulders...I felt a presence watching me from the woods. At the time, I chalked it up to the certain onset of that new west side story virus from the two billion mosquito bites I'd suffered since I left the car five minutes prior. But now, I'm not so sure. I think...it may have been...the elvish people.
Now, I know what you're thinking. We've all heard the stories, especially those of us that frequent the Rivendell boulders near Mirkwood, NH. Every now and then, a dazed honemaster would return babbling inchoerently from a sesh on the V11 proj du jour with bizarrre stories...of flaxen haired climbers with pointy ears that appeared from nowhere...hiked the line in soft felt booties and then disappeared back into the forest like a mist. Too many head first falls off the crashpad, we'd think...breathed too much chalk, we'd mutter. But what if it was all true?
Have they really been out there all this time...peacefully co-existing with nature while pulling sick moves on barky slopers? As we speak, is there a radge ill sesh going down in the dell, with Legolas Sharma meditating serenely beneath a flowering dogwood before putting up The Mandaloak V12? I must know...I must...
I must gather the Fellowship, and embark on a journey...
Allez. That move is Orc-Diesel, brah. Homard.
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subtle
May 10, 2005, 4:27 PM
Post #381 of 977
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In reply to: I think that "Ask the Noob" should do some gear reviews here on good ole rc.com.
Funny you should mention this, because the creative consultant team behind Ask The NOOB originally wanted it to be called Ask The NOOB About Gear 'N Stuff...and they wanted it to be...errr, funny...and well...you can't always get what you want, know what I'm saying, brah?
There were a few minor glitches, though, that kept this blockbuster concept from, as they say in the industry, ramping up. Manufacturers were somewhat loathe to send their newest and best products to someone who was highly likely to refer to it as a "a poo flavored mank-wich" and assert that "this totally isn't going to get you laid". For the brave few that were willing to submit to the rigors of a NOOBish product evaluation...which largely consisted of sitting on my parent's sofa and errrr...looking...at the product while watching Sessions on DVD and eating flavored pork rinds...there was the small logistical hurdle that it's really difficult to e-mail gear to me.
But, with recent advances in the interweb and...ummm, me asking my parents what our address is...it may now be possible to implement this radical vision of precision product evaluation. So, in the interests of seeing what sort of a horror show this could actually turn out to be, I will volunteer to evaluate any piece of new climbing gear sent to me via the rigorous test methodology described above. Since this is a not for profit endeavor, I will return all gear after the test period, less usual wear and tear and with the possible addition of some pork rind crumbs.
What say you, gear industry robber barons? PM me if you dare...
Allez. No, I'm not reviewing your 1974 vintage shoes, sheesh. Homard.
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jeep4evr
May 10, 2005, 5:26 PM
Post #382 of 977
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Ask the NOOB!! Question, help!!! What is with the steroeotypical trad climber being 40 pounds overweight??? I admit, I'm a sport climber at this junction in my climbing life (5'9", 145 lbs, and yes I think I'm hot shit), but I want to get into trad climbing sometime but I'm obsessively anal about my body fat getting over 9%... does this mean I can never trad climb???
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subtle
May 11, 2005, 4:22 AM
Post #383 of 977
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In reply to: What is with the steroeotypical trad climber being 40 pounds overweight???...I want to get into trad climbing sometime but I'm obsessively anal about my body fat getting over 9%... does this mean I can never trad climb???
You lack perspective, brah. Allow me to put down my well-worn copy of The Buttress of Windsor for a moment and wander over to the philosophy section of my vast library. Normally, I'd suggest a deep and meditative exploration of Schopenhauer, Kant, Nietzche, Palahniuk and...natch...Five Minute Abs and Zen for Dummies. We haven't got five minutes, though, so I'll summarize.
Life is but an eternal now, there is no past and no future. Incidentally, this is why the correct time to do anything is always 'now', since there isn't any other time to do anything...whoa, I think I just got a nosebleed from over-thinking...anyway. Once you are centered in this metaphysical bedrock, you can see that although a trad climber seems morbidly obese from your bolt clipping vantage point...when you have completed your transition to giant rack toting, beer gut having, ham sandwich on a 'biner carrying, 5.6- jug hauling trad superstar...sport climbers will seem dangerously anorexic.
Think about it...it's like the sound of one hand...crimping...
Allez. Ooooooom. Homard.
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brokenarmboy19
May 11, 2005, 5:41 AM
Post #384 of 977
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if I wear vans levi's 501 and a dope beastie T Will i be OGT (original Gangsta trad) A swami belt and a Ham samwich and 500 gallons of protine powder and 2 kegs of pbr with my gear will it help me climb Chossie chossie pile of choss 5.2 oh and thank TOOL for the Idea of the fresh gear and what pieces of gear are the best
Thanks n00b masta
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subtle
May 11, 2005, 12:54 PM
Post #385 of 977
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In reply to: if I wear vans levi's 501 and a dope beastie T Will i be OGT (original Gangsta trad) A swami belt and a Ham samwich and 500 gallons of protine powder and 2 kegs of pbr with my gear will it help me climb Chossie chossie pile of choss 5.2 oh and thank TOOL for the Idea of the fresh gear and what pieces of gear are the best
"Well now I've got some
ad-vice for you little buddy.
Before you ask your question
you should know that
I'm The NOOB.
And if I'm the NOOB,
Then you're the NOOB, and
He's the NOOB as well, so you you can
Post that f--kin' response twice at least..."
...sorry, Maynard.
Looking over your gear list, it seems you have pretty much everything you need. I'd suggest swapping out all your cams, nuts, chocks, stoppers, squdgies, woosies, and pago-pagos for the latest titanium and carbon fiber models, though. Although this will cost about $9000 or so, the 1.4 ounces saved will more than make up for the slight weight penalty of the 30 gallons of beer you intend to drag up the route. Don't forget to clip an extra prong tap to your harness, brah...if you drop your ATC, you can always finagle some sketchy sling contraption to get back down...but if you drop the tap, you can't prusik out the PBR.
Allez. Aenima. Homard.
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happiegrrrl
May 11, 2005, 1:24 PM
Post #386 of 977
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Dear N00B -
I have discovered that the "Sammie Strap" webbing on my pack is much longer than I need for my own sandwich. I will usually offer to carry my partners sandwich too, but they always want to carry their own. Maybe they are feeling insecure and don't want people to think they are seconding for me, when it is the other way around, especially since I am a girl and usually climb with guys...so they feel the need to haul their own sandwich. I don't really know.
But anyway - I am wondering if it is okay to use the Sammie Strap for other things too. It just seems such a waste, all that extra room. I got the idea that I could carry my rope up there, and it seems to work okay. Here is a picture, so you can see what I am talking about, in case it is hard to visualize.
I know this probably breaks with tradition, and I certainly don't want to do that. Or, is the problem that my pack is the wrong size for the sandwich?
Also, I don't want to misrepresent myself..... I don't usually get a ham sandwich. The Mountain Deli has this really good grilled vegetable sub called the Minnewaska, and that is what is shown in the picture. I know that nobody can tell as I am on the approach, but when the moment of truth is upon us, and it gets real, there is no hiding the fact that I am not down with the ham sammie. Do I need to put this fact out there, up front, before I rope up with my partners? When is the right time to tell them? Or, am I just being a wuss who needs to suck it up, and take the logical progression; ham sammie, just like the big boys?
http://img.photobucket.com/...iegrrrl/8e31ef08.jpg
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davidorchard
May 12, 2005, 2:36 AM
Post #387 of 977
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my dearest noob.
i am kindly requesting that you delete and obliterate this forum so that my husband (whose login i am using) will return to me. he seems to be overly excited by this forum and spends all of his free time waiting for your next ever-so enlightened responses. what makes it even more difficult for me to entice him away from his assumedly male mistress of his are the references to tool and maynard (for whom he would probably divorce me if he had the chane to meet him). he also has two beautiful daughters that pine for the attention of their daddy the "ask the noob addict". i would attach a picture to display the wonderfully beautiful family he is destroying--that you are destroying by being so omniscient.--but i am not that savvy. again i am pleeing for the sanity and happiness of this family--please stop the forum and let every one return to their lives.
thank you
concerned lonely wife
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brokenarmboy19
May 12, 2005, 3:35 AM
Post #388 of 977
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Dude you own hey I got a big hose you wanna do a 2000' beer bong while you boulder at the bottom :twisted:
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aikibujin
May 12, 2005, 2:05 PM
Post #389 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
I have been spreading your wisdoms and teachings to all my fellow climbers. However, it seems somewhere along the way, something went terribly wrong. Last weekend while I was out of town, one of my friend did something... horrible. It makes me shudder just to think about it. See he went bolt clipping with some friends, but apparently he got the idea that trad is cool. So to be a hardcore trad climber, he placed a #2 CAM on a sport route! And he wasn't even leading, he was climbing on... a TOPROPE! And then... oh my god, then... then he ATE a ham sandwitch, while hanging right next to the cam (and the bolt). He even showed me a picture, it was gruesome. I lost all my breakfast after I saw it. It was the most unnatural thing I have ever seen. I haven't been able to look my friend in the eyes ever since. My question is, is he totally evil? Has he gone mad? Should I try to drive my #00 stainless steel chopsticks through his heart and save the world from apocalypse?
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subtle
May 12, 2005, 8:26 PM
Post #390 of 977
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In reply to: Dear N00B - I have discovered that the "Sammie Strap" webbing on my pack is much longer than I need for my own sandwich. I will usually offer to carry my partners sandwich too, but they always want to carry their own. Maybe they are feeling insecure and don't want people to think they are seconding for me, when it is the other way around, especially since I am a girl and usually climb with guys...so they feel the need to haul their own sandwich. I don't really know. But anyway - I am wondering if it is okay to use the Sammie Strap for other things too. It just seems such a waste, all that extra room. I got the idea that I could carry my rope up there, and it seems to work okay. Here is a picture, so you can see what I am talking about, in case it is hard to visualize. I know this probably breaks with tradition, and I certainly don't want to do that. Or, is the problem that my pack is the wrong size for the sandwich? Also, I don't want to misrepresent myself..... I don't usually get a ham sandwich. The Mountain Deli has this really good grilled vegetable sub called the Minnewaska, and that is what is shown in the picture. I know that nobody can tell as I am on the approach, but when the moment of truth is upon us, and it gets real, there is no hiding the fact that I am not down with the ham sammie. Do I need to put this fact out there, up front, before I rope up with my partners? When is the right time to tell them? Or, am I just being a wuss who needs to suck it up, and take the logical progression; ham sammie, just like the big boys? http://img.photobucket.com/...iegrrrl/8e31ef08.jpg
You raise a number of extremely salient issues that have, no doubt, quietly confounded all Trad climbers from time to time. While I certainly cannot give you the answer to life, the universe and everything...at least not for another 10 million posts or so...I can try to help you work through the cruxes of this most delicate of issues.
Firstly...your kind offer to serve as sandwich sherpa, while considerate, must be rejected wholesale by the other members of your party on an ethics basis. Having someone else tote your sandie up the route is the moral eqivalent of...oh, I dunno...rapping in to chip off a kinda sharp crux hold which is near a crack then nailing on a nice comfy gym hold and gluing over the nearby crack to have a solid spot to place a bolt to protect the move off the gym hold...it's a slight faux pas, in some circles.
Secondly, I am somewhat concerned with your sandwich to rope ratio. In this day and age of run-out endurance routes, a 12" sub might not be enough to get the job done. A lot of the French pro climbers I know are now using the ultra-thin 24" batard stick-bread loaves, which are lighter and more flexible, although obviously not quite as strong. It's a gear choice, just like any other.
Third, and by far the most important, is your decision to eschew Ham and go for the trendy alternative vegetarian sub. Unlike some of the hard-core purists, I think that climbing needs to embrace new ideas and influences to grow and progress...just make sure that as you are racking up before you get on All Day Sucka 5.3+ you and your partner go over your gear choices so that there are no surprises on route. Just like having a variety of nuts, chocks and woosies can help when encountering unexpected pro challenges, having a backup sammie in case El Jamon goes down in the heat of battle seems like a fine and prudent idea. You might want to clip a can of Spam to your harness, just in case your main tofu-bomb has a malfunction and you get caught out.
There's no point in taking unnecessary risks.
Allez. 42. Homard.
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subtle
May 13, 2005, 9:27 PM
Post #391 of 977
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In reply to: my dearest noob. i am kindly requesting that you delete and obliterate this forum so that my husband (whose login i am using) will return to me. he seems to be overly excited by this forum and spends all of his free time waiting for your next ever-so enlightened responses. what makes it even more difficult for me to entice him away from his assumedly male mistress of his are the references to tool and maynard (for whom he would probably divorce me if he had the chane to meet him). he also has two beautiful daughters that pine for the attention of their daddy the "ask the noob addict". i would attach a picture to display the wonderfully beautiful family he is destroying--that you are destroying by being so omniscient.--but i am not that savvy. again i am pleeing for the sanity and happiness of this family--please stop the forum and let every one return to their lives. thank you concerned lonely wife
Aaah, I wish it were that simple...
Ask The NOOB is much, much more than a grotesquely overextended recycling of a handful of tired cliches recombined with the highly overused modifiers 'dope', 'rad' and 'pimp'...No, ATN is, in fact, a highly secret rogue clandestine division of a...splinter cell of...the shadow government...of a...very powerful nation state that has diverse trans-global interests. Yeah, those guys...keep that on the down-low, though. I don't want to end up all Fox Mulder-ed, know what I'm saying, brah? I'm risking my life...and the lives of my hypothetical future offspring should I ever happen to get lucky with an actual woman...but I feel the truth must be known.
At this very moment, Ask The NOOB postings are being generated by hyper-sophisticated supercomputers in a secret underground mountaintop base. Exotic surveliance equipment camoflagued as half-eaten Clif bars and empty Red Bull cans has been deployed to all popular climbing areas. Within .047 nanoseconds of your spotter spraying "That move was Donkey, yo!" it's been harvested by the sentient programs and assimilated into The System. Nobody knows why this terrible conspiracy of bad veribiage and tired stereotypes exists...although there are two theories. Either a race of parasitic machines is slowly transforming all Ask The NOOB posters into hosts to be used as an alternative energy source...in which case we're going to have to find a Chosen One and make one good and two bad movies about it...or...
(end transmission)
Allez. The Matrix Has Me. Homard.
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anson
May 13, 2005, 9:56 PM
Post #392 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
I am a trad climber (love ham sandwiches, have a rack that weighs more than half my weight, etc.), and find other types of climbers sometimes difficult to understand. But I am utterly baffled by some of the boulderers I have seen lately at the gym. They have all of the hallmark traits of boulderers you have already covered, especially a frankophone-esque abhorrence of personal hygiene, but suddenly I noticed that many of them were sporting TOOTHBRUSHES in their chalk bags.
Now call me crazy, but I just can't reconcile that none of them has bathed in the last week, yet all of them are clearly planning to brush thoroughly after sending that vicious-looking V0- problem they've been clustered around for the last week or so. Do they have floss hiding in there as well? Does Metolius make a flouridated chalk? Is brushing a normal post-send ritual, or is this a local (San Francisco Bay Area) tradition? I await enlightenment.
-aB
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subtle
May 16, 2005, 1:49 PM
Post #393 of 977
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In reply to: I am utterly baffled by some of the boulderers I have seen lately at the gym. They have all of the hallmark traits of boulderers you have already covered, especially a frankophone-esque abhorrence of personal hygiene, but suddenly I noticed that many of them were sporting TOOTHBRUSHES in their chalk bags.
The boulderer's toothbrush is actually a pretty important piece of gear, for a number of reasons. Given that the average boulderer uses oh...about 4-6lbs of chalk per...errr, session...a tad more if it's a humid day, natch...some of the holds on the proj have a tendency to get slightly over-chalked. A couple of layers of chalk and sweat will turn any hold into a flash-killing handfull of butter. Ill, yo. Some bright lad or lass with a questionable commitment to oral hygene realized that the toothbrush they had been fastidiously ignoring for weeks was actually ideally suited for re-pimping that chossy sloper. There's nothing like minty fresh friction, broham.
All practical reasons aside, though, the boulderers brush also serves as an important means of hierarchical identification and social domination within the tribe. One toothbrush is the absolute minimum necessary...it's like the cover charge at a bar...it'll get you in, but nobody really wants to talk to you and you're never getting the barteneder's attention to order a drink. Hope you brought a book, McThirsty...
As the King-Pimp VIP Room Playaz all know, you have to come correct with at least seven toothbrushes in various colors, a dish scraper, a toilet brush on an extendable pole, some sort of special purpose brush for cleaning industrial machinery or...tank treads or something...and at least 9 other assorted brushes that you 'found' at the gym. None of which will ever be used. Ever. Instead, the alpha-male Trump of the Toothbrushes will placidly gaze at the crisco-like texture of the hold in question...then serenely comment..."Man, that thing looks really bad...someone should brush that"...forcing you to realize that you have no toothbrush, he has 47 of them...and that you will never, ever be able to buy that cute girl in the corner of the bar a drink.
Ever.
Allez. That hold looks pretty bad, too. Homard.
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subtle
May 16, 2005, 7:50 PM
Post #394 of 977
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In reply to: ...in the interests of seeing what sort of a horror show this could actually turn out to be, I will volunteer to evaluate any piece of new climbing gear sent to me via the rigorous test methodology described above. Since this is a not for profit endeavor, I will return all gear after the test period, less usual wear and tear and with the possible addition of some pork rind crumbs. What say you, gear industry robber barons? PM me if you dare...
(an eerie silence ensues)
Aparently, the seductive lure of an Ask The NOOB product review was neither terribly...errr...seductive or alluring...to the gear manufacturers of the galaxy, as I have received a grand total of zero PMs. Perhaps a fuller description of the highly scientific methodology the Ask The NOOB team will deploy in our state of the art test facility...which bears a striking resemblance to my parent's basement...would be reassuring.
Evaluation Critera:
Is it shiny?
Does it open a can of peas?
How far can I throw it?
If brandished in a threatening manner, would it scare away a bear?
Will it get you laid?
As an added inducement, and for a limited time only, we will include any un-eaten pork rinds when we send back the hopefully minimally bear-clawed gear.
The line forms to the left.
Allez. I need to buy a can of peas and a bear. Homard.
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treez
May 17, 2005, 3:15 AM
Post #395 of 977
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Registered: Aug 11, 2004
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Dear NooB:
My friend, Cobalt, put a music sticker on his Nalgene. I think only climbing stickers should go on Nalgenes. Do you put nonclimbing stickers on your Nalgene? What about a chiquita banana sticker? Also, do you have any tips on getting stickers to stay on a beanie? Mine all fall off. Especially the ones I peeled off my subaru I wrecked. Thanks a ton.
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brokenarmboy19
May 19, 2005, 8:55 PM
Post #396 of 977
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I think subtle might be dead :shock: :cry: it has been 3 days i am starting to have withdrawls from lack of n00b genious SUBTLE get back here if you are dead you can come back and be in Slope slapper XIX tombstone boulderer of the night Please crawl out of your grave and start typing again. if it helps i will take just your hands so you can stay in the grave but you will still be able to run this thread for all eternety(or at least untell the sun explodes) Come back to us zombie subtle
oh and BUMP
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brokenarmboy19
May 19, 2005, 9:04 PM
Post #397 of 977
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In reply to: That, or you'll be an undead zombie with...rad crimp strength. At least you'll have a shot at Sloper Slapper XIII - Undead Dyno Demons.
i know you want to be in this one at least
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subtle
May 20, 2005, 1:18 PM
Post #398 of 977
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In reply to: Dear NooB: My friend, Cobalt, put a music sticker on his Nalgene. I think only climbing stickers should go on Nalgenes. Do you put nonclimbing stickers on your Nalgene? What about a chiquita banana sticker? Also, do you have any tips on getting stickers to stay on a beanie? Mine all fall off. Especially the ones I peeled off my subaru I wrecked. Thanks a ton.
Climbing stickers on your nalgene are so 2003, brah. I mean, back when you couldn't get stuff like that, rocking a sweet Pretzl decal on your nalgene pretty much made you an honorary French person...and also might help you find it in the pile of 34824 identical plexi-bottles at the base of the crag. I think my tomato soup from last season is still in there...somewhere...
Nowadays, though, you have to go all counter-culture to be the dope shizzle. Personally, I am sporting a sweet Land 'O Lakes decal on my nalgene, to remind the world that I am as smooth like butter. Also like butter, I am mostly composed of fat...and, errr...melt in the sun. I should also have a La-Z-Boy sponsorship decal, but I'd have to get off my parent's sofa and check and see if it came in the mail. Maybe after I see if Sharma finally finishes Realization on this DVD.
I like his chances...
Allez. Aviod any booty Tomato Soup at all costs. Homard.
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b0bra
May 20, 2005, 6:16 PM
Post #399 of 977
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Dear Noob,
I am very new to climbing, so naturally I did what I thought was best and bought a bunch of gear, most of which I have not used.
I did manage to buy a Petzl helmet, but unfortunately I have no stickers to put on it (maybe Hello Kitty, but I don't think that'll help me send that 5.13d).
I was wondering if there was some sort of pattern I could paint onto my mostly white helmet, preferably something that will confuse/scare away bears because that's the height of the utility I see this helmet performing.
Thanks in advance!
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davidorchard
May 22, 2005, 7:47 PM
Post #400 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
First of all I would like to apologize for my wife's request to disband this "Ask the NOOB" topic. I was so embarrassed and I don't like Maynard that much.
I do have several questions for you though, so here goes.
1. As you have probably already deduced, I have been sport climbing a lot lately. It really isn't my fault; it is all that is readily available for my geographic location. The question is: If I eat a ham sandwich at the crag, do you think that it will be found out that I am a closet trad climber? And will I lose all of my climbing partners? And is it worth the risk?
2. I was recently at Robbers Cave in Oklahoma and there were many, many people rappelling there. Now I am familiar with rappelling, because that is the method I use to get back down too. The strange thing was that none of these people seemed to be climbing, just rappelling. I would get on a route and one of these people would come down the rock 3 or 4 times before I got to the top and got to rappel. So I started thinking that there might be an easier way up to the top, and if that is so, why am I working so hard to get to the top the way I had chosen? So guess it all comes down to why to people climb rocks when there is an easier way to the top? I started getting confused and so I had to stop thinking about it. Please shed some light on this one for me.
3. You remind me a lot of Maynard from tool. Are you related to him?
4. Last of all, and I guess it is pretty obvious what I am going to ask now, but here goes. If it were possible to battle Chris Sharma with Darth Vader, who do you think would win? And is there anyone you would like see to battle?
Thank you so much for all the wisdom you have bestowed on everyone at RC.com already and all the wisdom yet to come.
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subtle
May 23, 2005, 4:41 PM
Post #401 of 977
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In reply to: Dear NOOB, First of all I would like to apologize for my wife's request to disband this "Ask the NOOB" topic. I was so embarrassed and I don't like Maynard that much. I do have several questions for you though, so here goes. 1. As you have probably already deduced, I have been sport climbing a lot lately. It really isn't my fault; it is all that is readily available for my geographic location. The question is: If I eat a ham sandwich at the crag, do you think that it will be found out that I am a closet trad climber? And will I lose all of my climbing partners? And is it worth the risk? 2. I was recently at Robbers Cave in Oklahoma and there were many, many people rappelling there. Now I am familiar with rappelling, because that is the method I use to get back down too. The strange thing was that none of these people seemed to be climbing, just rappelling. I would get on a route and one of these people would come down the rock 3 or 4 times before I got to the top and got to rappel. So I started thinking that there might be an easier way up to the top, and if that is so, why am I working so hard to get to the top the way I had chosen? So guess it all comes down to why to people climb rocks when there is an easier way to the top? I started getting confused and so I had to stop thinking about it. Please shed some light on this one for me. 3. You remind me a lot of Maynard from too. Are you related to him? 4. Last of all, and I guess it is pretty obvious what I am going to ask now, but here goes. If it were possible to battle Chris Sharma with Darth Vader, who do you think would win? And is there anyone you would like see to battle?
1. No. No. Yes.
2. I dunno.
3. No.
Whew...ok...now I can concentrate on the highly topical crux issue of your query...who would win in a battle between Chris Sharma and Darth Vader. Let's look at the tale of the tape:
Chris Sharma
Profession: Rock Climber
Notable Achievements: FA Realization 5.15a, Mandala V12, Witness the Fitness V??
Strengths: Crimp strength, sloper pimp hand, absurd dyno skillz.
Weaknesses: Drug tests, the munchies.
Ethics: The Force is Strong with this one.
Darth Vader
Profession: Sith Lord
Notable Achievements: Crushing galactic rebellion, FA...errr...Padme Amidala, V-Hot.
Strengths: High midichlorian count, pretty good with a lightsaber.
Weaknesses: Some residual guilt over betraying and killing...well...everybody.
Ethics: Well...somebody carved out that pocket on Kryptonite...and Vader is kinda a French sounding name, too.
I honestly can't figure out who'd prevail. There's only one logical solution, it seems...we call Josh Lowell and locate that old and busted RV and film Interstellar Rampage - The Sequel, Yo!. Darth, Chris and...Obe Carrion, for some reason...go on a two month road trip of radge ish boulder problems, sick first ascents, and crushing rebel star systems. Highlights include Obe inventing several new quasi-words like 'snizzle' and 'dope-nish', Chris's twenty minute voice-over about how spiritual a V16 crimper is, and Darth's gastrointestinal distress following a hard-core sesh at the all you can eat hot wings joint in Obed. We can get that cantina band from Star Wars IV for the soundtrack...those guys rock. Heck, I'm pre-ordering my DVD as we speak...
Ahhh, but who would I want to see fight? Easy one, brah. Darth Maul vs. Jason Kehl in an epic lightsaber battle. The rad face paint alone would be worth the price of admission. Sweet!
Allez. $5 on Kehl. Homard.
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justthemaid
May 24, 2005, 3:11 AM
Post #402 of 977
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Dear NOOB. I have no questions, but these are my top 10 favorite 'ask the NOOB' quotes.
The NOOB said...
1.) "There's no substitute for complete incompetence."
2.) "I suspect the pain in your arm is just some additional tendonoids or ligamentals or bones."
3.) "Scientists...speculate that perhaps ninjas have some sort of natural hatred of ham."
4.) "Feeding slack with an oven mit takes a little getting used to."
5.) "I'm somewhat concerned with your sandwhich to rope ratio."
6.) "No trad climber will ever part with any piece of gear, ever, even long after it has outlived its usefulness and turned into a ticking timebomb of deckosity."
7.) "The top rope is the natural enemy of the adolescent boulderer."
8.) "Urban pimp is the new granola crunchie."
9.) "You claim to have followed my advice and are still mysteriously...alive."
10.) "Go! Lobster!"
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subtle
May 24, 2005, 2:40 PM
Post #403 of 977
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In reply to: I was wondering if there was some sort of pattern I could paint onto my mostly white helmet, preferably something that will confuse/scare away bears because that's the height of the utility I see this helmet performing.
Believe it or not, I don't have that much personal Bear experience, since they generally have a hard time scraping together $15 for a day pass at the gym...and those that do usually get stymied by the belay test and go home early. Since I know less than usual about the topic, I turned to the one-stop source for guaranteed accurate information...The InterWeb.
Apparently, Bears have no natural predators except humans, like to eat everything we do, are only afraid of loud noises, and do not frequent the sites of credit card only XXX webcams...errr...not that I checked any...it was an accident, I swear, mom. Ahem...anyway...
The most obvious strategy of painting "My head DOES NOT taste like honey and will make a REALLY loud noise when bitten." on your helmet would totally work, except bears can't read. No opposable thumb, you see, tough to turn pages...never caught on. So, you need to paint something on there that universally equates to tastes bad and loud noise. And that should be pretty frigging obvious, at this point...
You're going to be painting a boulderer on there, brah.
I could probably do a multi-chapter post profiling strong contenders for most unsavory looking and loudest boulderers...but the one that immediately springs to mind is Joel Brady from Sessions. He cranks hard, so he'd be all stringy...he's all ARRRRRRRGGGHHH! every time he blows off the proj...and he's like 95% covered in chalk, which would make him kinda dry and the bear would have to bring along some sort of beverage to wash him down with. Bears rarely plan ahead, bro.
Allez. Honest, I clicked on an ad, and there I was... Homard.
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nd2boostt
May 25, 2005, 7:50 PM
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Dear NOOB
I desperately want to become a trad climber, so I have been eating nothing but ham sandwiches, per your advice. I thought that this was all I would need to trad climb, but someone at the climbing gym told me that I need to get a "rack" first. I don't understand why I would need bigger boobs. Is this so I have a place to store my ham sandwiches on super long climbs?? If so, where do guys keep their sandwiches on long climbs?
P.S. Due to my change in dietary habits, I have gained about 8 lbs in the past month or so....a sure sign of progress! Thanks NOOB!!
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furbucket
May 27, 2005, 9:47 PM
Post #405 of 977
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In reply to: Believe it or not, I don't have that much personal Bear experience, since they generally have a hard time scraping together $15 for a day pass at the gym...and those that do usually get stymied by the belay test and go home early. ...So, you need to paint something on there that universally equates to tastes bad and loud noise. And that should be pretty frigging obvious, at this point... You're going to be painting a boulderer on there, brah.
Hilarious! But seriously, shouldn't you just suggest he become a boulderer and bypass the whole painting thing?
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singingwater
May 28, 2005, 4:17 PM
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I deffinatly agree. Most bears can deal with something that tastes bad and is loud as long as it is not more than 2 feet tall. Now if you happen to have a helmet that big go for it. If you do not though you are still risking being eaten by a bear, the only sure way to discorage a bear from eating you is to be come a a boulderer, or a really loud lawyer, your choice.
Elise
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rock_101
May 29, 2005, 10:12 PM
Post #407 of 977
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Dear nOOB:
I need some shoes for trad climbign.....But I also need 2 pairs of shoes for sport climbing(cuz ill have two change my shoes every pitch unlike trad climbing where theres only one pitch) also i bouldered this crazy V2 and if i can boulder (that crazy rock that my mom put in my garden for decoration) i should be sponsored but i cant cuz i dont have any slippers so ill need bouldering shoes two. Also i have two set up this crazy top rope anchor for a climb with 8 pitches how do i do it?
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4togo
May 30, 2005, 8:54 AM
Post #408 of 977
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Dear Noob,
Thank you for your continuing in-depth exploration of what it means to be a sport climber, a trad climber, or a boulder climber. However a glaring omission has come to my attention: what about the free-soloists?
I always assumed that they were boulderers who'd somehow gotten lost or disoriented and just kept climbing _up_ in search of that elusive send. However the only two people I am personally acquainted with that free-solo on any regular basis both seem, on the outside, to be trad climbers!
So is free-soloing a sort of self-punishment for trad climbers: forgot your ham sandwich? No gear for you!! ...or is it just another offshoot of bouldering that's grown way out of proportion?
If that is so, why is it that even though boulder climbers never get laid, their "art" is the only one to produce fruit? (Slacklining, free-soloing(?))
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subtle
May 31, 2005, 4:50 PM
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In reply to: So is free-soloing a sort of self-punishment for trad climbers: forgot your ham sandwich? No gear for you!! ...or is it just another offshoot of bouldering that's grown way out of proportion? If that is so, why is it that even though boulder climbers never get laid, their "art" is the only one to produce fruit? (Slacklining, free-soloing(?))
Wow, you just suggested that trad climbing is an offshoot of bouldering...wow...well, hopefully you've already lined up your deal with the witness protection program to get relocated to some faraway crag with a new identity and some rad plastic surgery. See if they can graft on some extra crimp strength, yo.
Anyway, on to your question...Mr. X...why does bouldering produce so many offspring like slacklining, buildering and...errr...slackbuildering? I think you need look no further than the prototypical...dare I say sterotypical...boulderer. Let's see...a 19 year old skinny male with no disposable income, no social life and very little prospect of either...but mad pimp stezos and a burning desire to do as little as possible, then take a nap. He's fit, well rested, and damn sure dreaming of some bizarre scenario involving a huge dynamic move off tiny crimpers that somehow culminates in him 'getting some' from a 'rad chica'. This, I submit to you, is the true fount of creativity that has always marked the upward surge of human progress...really bad schemes to get laid.
The main difference in the climbing world is how these schemes get expressed. A boulderer cannot write a sonnet to his true love, since he probably didn't get her name and Ode to the Hottie with the Really Tight Prana Top just...doesn't flow. Other time-tested strategies like buying flowers, building a pyramid, or starting a war with a rival nation state are similarly impractical. That leaves showing off. Now, this we know how to do. But how?
Sure, you can always climb harder...but everyone is already doing that, bro...so what's the big deal? No, the real key to showing off is making things needlessly harder. This is where soloing comes in...as probably the ultimate expression of unecessary difficulty. I mean, it's not like you don't have a rope...naaah...you don't need no stinking rope! The obvious problem here...aside from probably falling to a hideous death...is that showing off is like the path to the dark side of The Force. Once you go down it, you cannot stop. Pretty soon you're soloing in your approach shoes. Then barefoot. Then naked barefoot. Then naked barefoot eating a ham sandwich. Where this all ends, I don't know...but I somehow doubt that the hottie with the really tight Prana top is into a wierd naked guy eating a hoagie midway up a 5.8+.
So, was it all worth it?
Allez. I need a nap. Homard.
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subtle
Jun 1, 2005, 5:45 PM
Post #410 of 977
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In reply to: I don't understand why I would need bigger boobs. Is this so I have a place to store my ham sandwiches on super long climbs??
Ummmm...ahhhhh...sheesh...is it hot in here?
Why would, errrr, a woman need larger...Ummm...y'know. Yeah. Ok. Well, let's see. I guess the first place to look would be the seminal...ah, let's use a different word there...benchmark cultural ur-text Women of RC.com by Edge. After leering at...analyzing, rather...approximately 234,483 pictures, of which 99.9998% coincidentally enough were from a suspiciously high vantage point and taken by a male, we can conclude that relative volumetric endowment is non-correlated to usage of said endowment for the purposes of sandwich storage. In fact, in no case did the study team find evidence of the presence of a ham sandwich regardless of how long they stared at...examined...the photo or how much they magnified the...aaaah, area in question.
So, in conclusion...that's not what those things are for, apparently. As a boulderer and scientist, I hope to someday unlock the mystery of what they are for...but until then...
Allez. I wonder. Homard.
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boulderman
Jun 1, 2005, 5:57 PM
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NOOB I have a real problem... I need a specific song from the Masters of Stone 4 video. Do you know the name of the song playing while Dan Osman is soloing the waterfall? I need this song in order to increase my intensity and climbing power through musical meditation. The Red Bull has lost its edge. The Artists name and the Song name is listed at the beginning of the film sequence. But, I just don't remember and don't have it to go back and look at. Help Noob, will you research this for me. Because I'm sure, as a NOOB, you spend more time watching climbing videos than actaully climbing. :lol:
BTW, I have already looked online for info.
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boulderman
Jun 1, 2005, 6:10 PM
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double post
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mrnomas
Jun 2, 2005, 3:17 PM
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Dear Dr. Noob DVM, DDS, Psy.D, LLC, Ing,
First and foremost, I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for all the astute advice you have bestowed upon us Noobs. My problem – The other day, in the gym, I was faced with a conundrum – As I was working on my 5.4- lifetime proj, I was having problems with a large sloper at the start. Every time I would peel off it, a boulderer would appear out of nowhere with handfuls of chalk and proceed to douse every conceivable inch of the sloper and surrounding area while muttering, “Just a little more and you’ll be fine,” or “This is what you need, brah,” or something similar.
Before I knew it, I looked like I had either just come in from a snow storm or I had the worlds worst case or dandruff. As I live in Florida (climbing Mecca of the world), I totally had to run out and wash and re-gel my hair, change my spandex, and buy new 5.10 Dragons. So my questions:
1) What is the deal with all the chalk? And how come it seems to make boulderers stick to pebble-size crimpers while doing absolutely nothing for me?
2) Where the hell did all those boulderers come from anyways?
3) Do they make chalk in spandex-friendly colors (preferably that won’t gunk up my gel)?
Best regards oh King of Noobie-dumb.
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spaceman_spiff
Jun 3, 2005, 3:25 AM
Post #414 of 977
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Dear NOOB, I am calling upon your scientific side here. There is a general belief in the climbing community that DEET damages ropes, harnesses and other things that keep us alive (and kicking). Summer is coming, and so are the flies, mosquitoes and other ticks, so the topic is becoming more important by the day.
My research on internet has unveiled as much information claiming it does damage nylon as statements that it doesn't damage nylon. I have not been able to get my hands around a scientific experiment demonstrating whether it does, or not.
Any idea on the topic? Thanks for your opinion!
FYI, here is what I have found:
DEET does NOT damage ropes
http://spelean.com.au/BW/TM/BWtechdyn.html (seems official enough, but is not actually posted on the Blue Water Ropes web site)
http://www.draftlight.net/cgi-bin/download.pl (lots of information, but scientific sources are not identified)
http://www.gay-hike.com/...-faqs.htm#deet-ropes
http://www.rockclimbing.com/post/1097633
DEET DOES damage ropes
http://www.ahsrescue.com/news.aspx
http://www.geocities.com/...tips_and_tricks.html
http://www.aai.cc/...A_equipment_list.pdf (fairly official, right? But have they actually tested the stuff?)
http://www.lacordee.com/...tagne/?id=111&page=1 (sorry, it's in French!)
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justafurnaceman
Jun 5, 2005, 6:50 PM
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Dear nOOb,
I have fallen into quite a predictament. After rising to impeccable heights while changing the kitchen and living room light bulbs and in doing so impressing the wife, I now am in the dog house.
It all started when my best friend and climbing partner, Jimmy, moved away to take a teaching job. During the summer we went climbing every week, sometimes twice, went skeet shooting and also played soccer together. Well when he moved away I felt so sad and lonely and being a man I was very confused about these feelings. I didn't think us guys were suppose to feel those things. Well, like I said, I was so confused and lonely that I broke open my piggy bank, went out and bought myself a Gri-Gri so that I would have someone to climb with. (I heard that these were suppose to be great for solo climbing).
I named it Bonnie. I took Bonnie out the next day to an old granite quarry. I read the instructions (I know, not another "guy thing" to do, but this is my life that we're talking about), threaded the rope through like I saw in the pics (I can't read) and was quite happy with myself about climbing with my "new partner". I then sat Bonnie down on a rock so that she could comfortably belay and watch me.
Well here's the question. Bonnie isn't doing a very good job at belaying me. I know my project is only 4' tall (5.3b) but still it hurts when I lose my grip on the jug and crash to the ground. Maybe Bonnie just needs a little practice? or maybe I should buy a crash pad and risk making my wife even more jealous of Bonnie. (I've enjoyed Bonnie's company sooo much that we go everywhere together, to the soccer field, skeet shooting, to work, or just riding around in the truck). I mean if I told my wife that I'm going climbing with Bonnie and I have pad under my arm is she going to think that we're involved? :shock: I mean, that would be silly right?
I've heard there is another solo device out there, would he be a better partner (I would bring Bonnie along so that she wouldn't feel hurt about me changing partners or would they not get along?)
HELP!
sincerely,
justafurnaceman
still sleeping in the doghouse after taking Bonnie climbing on my wife's birthday.
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justafurnaceman
Jun 5, 2005, 6:55 PM
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sorry, double post.
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subtle
Jun 6, 2005, 12:35 PM
Post #417 of 977
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In reply to: So my questions: 1) What is the deal with all the chalk? And how come it seems to make boulderers stick to pebble-size crimpers while doing absolutely nothing for me? 2) Where the hell did all those boulderers come from anyways? 3) Do they make chalk in spandex-friendly colors (preferably that won’t gunk up my gel)?
Hmm, another multi-pitch question...Oh well, I hope it gets easier as it goes along...
1. Chalk works on the same principal as pixie dust, magic fairy dust, and other associated...err, dust-based...products. The crux of the matter is, you have to believe in it's magical/mystical/sloper pimping powers...or it doesn't work. Try clicking the heels of your Mud Rocks together three times, and repeating "I think I can, I think I can", etc.
2. Where did all the boulderes come from? Nobody really knows...but I suspect that somewhere a secret trilateral commission of Trad Climbers, Ice Climbers and Sport Climbers are meeting in a remote mountaintop fortress to discuss possible solutions to this problem. Fortunately, those guys can never agree on anything, so we children of the beanie will continue to multiply like the cockroaches we are for the forseeable future.
3. You mean, do they make chalk in colors like "Screaming Neon Tangerine", "Nuclear Day-Glo Green" and "Retinal Damage Electric Blueberry"...and I hope to hell that they do not. Ill, yo!
Allez. Let me chalk that up for you. Homard.
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booger
Jun 7, 2005, 12:29 PM
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NOOB,
I find myself in a veritable conundrum. Before I read your column, I moved to Europe in search of a mal-nourished, spandex-wearing-Frenchie climbing partner who would say things like "allez, ma cherie" and "voulez-vouz crimp-eh avec moi?". Anyway, you straightened me out and I found an Italian partner instead. I couldn't find any advice about Italians, so here are my questions:
1. Are Italians okay, or do (we) climbers mock them like the Frenchies?
2. Is it cool to climb in Armani and leather boots instead of spandex?
3. Will he be able to talk/gesticulate and belay all at once?
Ciao/adieu/HELP!
girldrifter
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subtle
Jun 7, 2005, 2:51 PM
Post #419 of 977
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In reply to: I was so confused and lonely that I broke open my piggy bank, went out and bought myself a Gri-Gri so that I would have someone to climb with. (I heard that these were suppose to be great for solo climbing). I named it Bonnie. I took Bonnie out the next day to an old granite quarry. I read the instructions (I know, not another "guy thing" to do, but this is my life that we're talking about), threaded the rope through like I saw in the pics (I can't read) and was quite happy with myself about climbing with my "new partner". I then sat Bonnie down on a rock so that she could comfortably belay and watch me. Well here's the question. Bonnie isn't doing a very good job at belaying me. I know my project is only 4' tall (5.3b) but still it hurts when I lose my grip on the jug and crash to the ground. Maybe Bonnie just needs a little practice? or maybe I should buy a crash pad and risk making my wife even more jealous of Bonnie.
Hmmm, a difficult dilemma, to be sure. Most relationship friction seems to come from purchasing gear...not...errr, dating gear...so this is somewhat uncharted territory. Oh well, what's the worst that can happen, eh?
Firstly, you're going to want to have Bonnie anchor in when belaying you. The 150-170lb weight differential could prove to be an issue if you take a decent sized whipper...although it will ensure a soft catch in all cases...unless the aforementioned catch is by the ground, in which case it will be slightly...ummm, firmer. It's very normal for new belayers to get a little confused, and it's a real shame that nobody has come up with a relatively foolproof and simple device that would kinda...I dunno...lock off when the climber falls. Oh well, maybe someday.
I think the obvious solution to placate Mrs. Justaurnaceman is to modify your relationship with Bonnie. I'm not saying you still can't enjoy your time together, just try to make sure it's in a group social setting, not an intimate sesh at your personal private Crag du Amore. Bring along Larry the stick clip, Manfred the chalk pot and Rasmus the crashpad and...presto!...it's just hanging out with the gang.
What could be more innocent?
Allez. Gear Pimp. Homard.
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viciado
Jun 7, 2005, 6:40 PM
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In reply to: 2. Where did all the boulderes come from? Nobody really knows...but I suspect that somewhere a secret trilateral commission of Trad Climbers, Ice Climbers and Sport Climbers are meeting in a remote mountaintop fortress to discuss possible solutions to this problem. Fortunately, those guys can never agree on anything, so we children of the beanie will continue to multiply like the cockroaches we are for the forseeable future.
While I have to admit that it often takes quite some time for me to rise to the exalted level of your wisdom (ie. it goes over my head). I have been paying attention. To whit: you have often reminded us that boulderers "don't get none." This fact combined with the affirmation in bold above confuses me since cockroaches reproduce sexually.
I am sure that I am missing something here. Could you please explain this one to us common folk oh noobness? If you don't, I am afraid we will have to assume:
a) that boulderers are a lower form of life than originally thought. or
b) that, like the mule, they are produced through sexual means, but are, themselves unable to produce offspring.
venha! I'm confused. lagosta!
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flipnfall
Jun 7, 2005, 8:48 PM
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Dear N00B,
I like got laid off from a company in Minnesota and had to, like, take this job working in Florida. My problem is that the only things to climb are palm tree and building structures. I've been climbing for over 20 years and the last 2 years haven't seen a cliff. Am I technically still a climber? Like being a Marine--once a Marine always a Marine? Would I call myself a temporarily retired climber, disadvantaged climber or a tree climbing spank from flatville? What would you call me?
Thank you,
GT
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subtle
Jun 7, 2005, 9:14 PM
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In reply to: Anyway, you straightened me out and I found an Italian partner instead. I couldn't find any advice about Italians, so here are my questions: 1. Are Italians okay, or do (we) climbers mock them like the Frenchies? 2. Is it cool to climb in Armani and leather boots instead of spandex? 3. Will he be able to talk/gesticulate and belay all at once?
Disclaimer: Although I was raised by wolves, my fondness for mozzarella and Godfather movies strongly suggests that they may have been Italian wolves...or from New Jersey...hence I might be slightly biased.
1. Italians are ok. They are pretty much the Diet Coke version of French people...and just like the actual Diet Coke....much more palatable than the real thing. You get all the dope European flair, none of the chain smoking and stinky cheese. Rad, yo! Mocking Italians is a bad idea, in general, since they apparently either 'whack you out' or form up into a West Side Story-esque dance number with a lot of finger snapping and unnecesary twirling. Either way, bad news.
2. It's cool to do anything in Armani. Even better, Armani is way cheaper than Prana, so you can get twice as many...errr...power suits?...to wear to the crag.
3. You've hit on the key issue, here. The Italians have a long and distinguished climbing history, so it's not like they're decking each other out all over the place...but if what we've learned watching Growing Up Gotti is correct, it might not feel like the safest belay ever. Unless, that is, seeing your belayer scream unintelligible gibberish at some guy who maybe said something about his mother while dropping the brake rope to make obscure and likely very insulting hand gestures and kicking dirt on the other guy's Gucci sandals makes you feel confident.
...in which case, get your send on.
Allez. (snap, snap...twirl!) Homard.
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subtle
Jun 8, 2005, 2:44 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: 2. Where did all the boulderes come from? Nobody really knows...but I suspect that somewhere a secret trilateral commission of Trad Climbers, Ice Climbers and Sport Climbers are meeting in a remote mountaintop fortress to discuss possible solutions to this problem. Fortunately, those guys can never agree on anything, so we children of the beanie will continue to multiply like the cockroaches we are for the forseeable future. While I have to admit that it often takes quite some time for me to rise to the exalted level of your wisdom (ie. it goes over my head). I have been paying attention. To whit: you have often reminded us that boulderers "don't get none." This fact combined with the affirmation in bold above confuses me since cockroaches reproduce sexually. I am sure that I am missing something here. Could you please explain this one to us common folk oh noobness? If you don't, I am afraid we will have to assume: a) that boulderers are a lower form of life than originally thought. or b) that, like the mule, they are produced through sexual means, but are, themselves unable to produce offspring. venha! I'm confused. lagosta!
There are a number of plausible explanations, but I'm going to bypass all of that nonsense and get right into my comfort zone...wild conjecture backed by improbable statistics and made up facts. So, here goes.
I stand by my thesis that boulderers never get laid, based on my in depth multi-year study of a small sample group of New England boulderers...errr, ummm...ok...one New England boulderer. Ahem. So, assuming that my...my?...errr, Subject X's...experience is fairly typical, boulderers must not depend on sexual reproduction to thrive and multiply.
All mule metaphors aside, we already know that boulderers are seen as the lowest rung on the climbing evolutionary scale. I mean, we haven't grown ice tools, a rack of cams or even spandex...we barely have opposable thumbs...we're the single-cell squiggly petri dish kinda life. As such, we should probably reproduce via binary fission...but as much as I've stared at people...and that is no small amount of staring, let me tell you...I've never seen a boulderer split into two identical copies, one of which proceeds to spot the other on the proj. Although that would be pretty rad, yo.
No, I think that boulderers are much more like a cult, and rely on recruitment of the vulnerable and soft-headed to swell our ranks. I mean, look at the facts, bro...all the classic signs are there. A seeminly fun, healthy group of energetic young people? Yeah, bro. Easy to join up? Check. An overarching sense of spiritual fullfillment? Yup. Interesting promotional materials? Have you seen how many bouldering DVDs there are out now? Conformist style of dress designed to integrate you into the hive mentality? Ooooh, where'd you get your Prana ninja pants? Icon-like omni-present leader who spreads warmth and serenity. Paging Chris Sharma.
Face it, bros, we're basically a set of orange sheets and a tambourine away from a gig at the airport chanting 'Hare, hare'...
Allez. I look dope in orange. Homard.
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davidorchard
Jun 8, 2005, 3:58 PM
Post #424 of 977
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this last post got me to thinking.
is it possible to cross the boundary and enjoy two aspects of climbing? like say, bouldering and sport climbing, or ice and trad?
patiently awaiting enlightenment,
bicurious
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cagdbikeclimb
Jun 8, 2005, 4:32 PM
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Dear NOOB: I was recently at a popular climbing area and after chatting with a woman (a trad climbing woman no less) she asked me for my phone number! We're getting together for dinner tonight and we're going climbing this weekend.
Do I lead her up hard climbs to show her how virile and studly I am? Or do I lead her up more mellow routes to show her how sensitive I am? Or should I let her do the leading to show her how chivalrous I can be?
Also, do I share my ham sandwich before we start climbing, at the belays, or should we save it for apres climbing with a few beers?
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davidorchard
Jun 8, 2005, 4:53 PM
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Dear NOOB,
I know we ask a lot from you, but would you summarize the posts like you did below. I am having trouble finding the wisdom I need in a timely manner.
In reply to: The Ask The NOOB Digest: 1. Series Pilot 2. Spend lots of money on gear and you'll climb 5.13 3. Eat relish packets and masturbate frequently to send V10. 4. Filming yourself is easy, filming yourself with Paris Hilton is easier. 5. Boulderers never get laid. 6. Safe climbers die in horrible accidents, oblivious gumbs live forever. 7. If you can't do something right, make up a new term for what you did and pretend you meant it. 8. Slippers are the coolest shoes, and gangrene is the coolest side effect. 9. Climbing injuries are frequently nature's way of saying you're special. 10. Slackliners are boulderes who couldn't handle the high-stress lifestyle. 11. The only reason to ice climb is to practice for serial murdering. 12. You aren't going to climb anything without Ninja skills. 13. Noobs only listen to other noobs, and Justin Timberlake. 14. Gear allocation means buying more gear after you misuse what you have. 15. Grades are in your head, and in your guidebook...so buy some whiteout and a pen and send V13 16. Boulderers have poor oral hygene. Women love this. 17. Use the force to find your climbing style. That, and a gear catalog. 18. It's all about style, and if you don't have any, go buy some. 19. People who claim to like outdoor climbing are liars or insane masochists. 20. Adding difficulty to trad by eating more food on-route. 21. Go! Lobster! 22. French people are silly, yet women love them because they do not boulder. 23. Can you escape being 1/2 french? Not without a lightsaber battle. 24. Bolt guns directly lead to spandex sales. I hate spandex. 25. Smoking dope pays much less than being sponsored. 26. Belaying gloves are weak. Belaying oven mitts are rad. 27. You can climb cement highway barriers, but your spotter will get run over. 28. Top roping El Cap presents no logisitical problems whatsoever. 29. Impressing women climbers is easy, unless you're a boulderer. 30. Climbers can't agree on anything, except hating on the french. 31. Climbing is like Jenga, except when it's like monpoly or tic-tac-toe. 32. The more expensive and painful your shoes, the poorer and hurtinger you shall be. 33. Your parents will love your climber boyfriend. 34. Nobody loves boulderers. Even their dogs are only in it to meet sport climbers. 35. If you love your climber boyfriend, van life is pretty sweet. 36. I write for TV...those infomercials don't write themselves. 37. Two harnesses are better than one, at making you look dumb. 38. Retirement post. I'll miss you all. 39. Unretirement post. Suggest spin off column, Date The NOOB. Response...not so favorable. 40. Looking good = climbing hard, as far as people know. 41. Literature reccomendations for the discerning boulderer. 42. Aid climbers are perverts, possibly evil undead monsters. 43. My superbowl halftime show. Regrettably little nudity. 44. If you can't be a good skinny climber, be a great obese climber. 45. Spraylording is almost as good as knowing people and climbing things. 46. If you bring the wrong beer to the crag, you're signing your own death warrant...in beer. 47. More dating advice from the man who has never been on a date. Good thinking, people! 48. Crashpad decorations as insant street cred upper. Get your doodle on. 49. The ham sandwich is the soul of the trad climber. Your soul wants some mayo. 50. Personal ad advice...since I can reel 'em in with the best of them. 51. Nobody clowns the NOOB, nobody. 52. The rules of Boulder Club. Brad Pitt begs for admission. 53. NOOB comes from the latin for 'damn sexy'. 54. Popular topics of boulderer conversation. Amazing that Sharma is only one of them. 55. Quality control survey. Quality plummets as a result. 56. How to size your shoes. Think small, think ow. 57. Someone wierder than me posts, I can't believe it and freak out. 58. Wearing a trad rack leads to stalking. 59. Begin pondering of Ham Freezing question. 60. I hate harnesses so much, you'd think they come from france. 61. Ham can Freeze. Send the nobel prize this way, boys. 62. I love Feral Raccoon, oh yes I do. 63. New fashion steezos for your inner pimp. 64. If you can carry your trad rack by yourself, it's puny and you are not a man, unless you're a woman, in which case you are also not a man, but for different reasons. 65. If the Ham is calling to you, do not resist. You'll just sprain something. 66. Helium will not get you high, unless sounding like a chipmunk gets you high, that is. 67. Vocabulary lessons for boulderers that can't read...ie, all of us. 68. Another wierdo, another wierdo mocked. My job is done here. 69. Rating adjustment scale. Now you know what your really sent. 70. User names to attract the ladies...or men pretending to be ladies. 71. Go metric, young lass, and your sends are automatically .77 harder. 72. Big Ball O' Sexy. 73. Pimp My NOOB pilot. 74. Feral Raccoon taunts me with her genius, I respond timidly, like the infant I am. 75. Survey of men who would like to date F.R. Survey says...all. 76. Boulderers are allergic to rope. It burns! 77. I tease Feral Raccoon with knowledge of The Purple Way. 78. Things not to buy on eBay. 79. Partners are made of lunch meat. 80. This one right here. Stay tuned... Allez. DVD Box set. Homard. |
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subtle
Jun 8, 2005, 6:41 PM
Post #428 of 977
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Ask The NOOB - Season Two DVD Box Set
81. The NOOB climbs outside. By climbs, we mean falls badly...often.
82. Shirt drag is the silent send killer.
83. Easy-Bake gym excuses, just add water. Makes its own sauce!
84. Hyper-Time Zygote Boy writes in from the 6th dimension.
85. Your dog should look like you, so you have to buy him a beanie.
86. Trading sex for gear. What can I get for my toothbrush?!?
87. Taking your pet snake climbing. What could go wrong?
88. I'm not going to tell you how to poop, no matter how many times you ask.
89. It's the rope monkeys, I tell you.
90. I continue to hit on Feral Raccoon. Results...not so good.
91. The new Rack Diamond Plumber Cam reviewed. 5 plungers!
92. If you want to rock the crag, here's your role model, boys.
93. I explain how to climb 5.24a using physics. Possible calculation errors.
94. Why climb when you can spray? In the gym. You're so cool...
95. I phone one in. Next!
96. When the ice melts, it's all about lumberjack challenge.
97. (gasp!) The NOOB asked a question? Huh?
98. I'm not going anywhere. I have nowhere to go. So there.
99. I explain reproduction. There is some guessing involved.
100. My biography. I seem much cooler online, I must say...
101. Someone offers me a job...what's a job?
102. Imaginary climbing partners are poor spotters, but good listeners.
103. Lawyers don't climb, and charlie don't surf.
104. How to deal with having a hot climber girlfriend. Once again, I'm guessing a lot.
105. Altitude sickness, it'll get you.
106. Today's fat pathetic sporto is tomorrows sleek and virile traddie.
107. Prehistoric climbing. Yabba Dabba Dude, Yo.
108. There's no candy at the top of The Mandala. You can stop trying now.
109. Being sponsored by Land 'O Lakes is much cooler than Dred Chili.
110. You can still attract women wearing a hockey mask. They might be...odd...though.
111. I pretend to be a sport climber, my lack of rope is a giveaway.
112. Stymied by logic, I surrender.
113. Selecting gym music. Get your polka on, brah.
114. It's all about Maynard.
115. If you're going to fall badly, may as well scream loud so people know to watch.
116. Mixing trad and sport leads to undead zombification. Duh!
117. It's not a helmet, it's a hardshell beanie.
118. How to slackline. Dirty, Lazy, Unemployed and balanced...in short.
119. There's an ill sesh going down in Middle Earth, yo.
120. I dare the gear industry to give me free stuff to break. Reponse...muted.
121. It's all a question of perspective...and I have none...what was the question?
122. I help someone with gear selection and Tool Lyrics. I should also write his obit, for the complete package.
123. Sandwich ethics.
124. Ask the NOOB is written by evil robots. So, now you know.
125. If one toothbrush is good, 47 is pretty frigging dope, yo!
126. I double dare the gear industry. They are unimpressed.
127. Sticker advice for your Nalgene. I'll get a MENSA card for this one...
128. Sharma vs. Vader...too close to call.
129. How to make your head less tasty.
130. Soloing is like a sonnet...of impending deckosity.
131. The NOOB gets all flustered.
132. Where do boulderers come from?
133. Dating your gear is ok...in Crazy Town.
134. Italians are like Diet Coke.
135. Boulderer reproduction, Fact or Fiction?
136. Season 2 Box Set.
Box set features 32 posts worth of deleted scenes, extended director's commentary and special edition The NOOB chalk bag/beanie.
Allez. Wait for the Collector's Widescreen Edition. Homard.
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subtle
Jun 9, 2005, 8:20 PM
Post #429 of 977
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In reply to: I like got laid off from a company in Minnesota and had to, like, take this job working in Florida. My problem is that the only things to climb are palm tree and building structures. I've been climbing for over 20 years and the last 2 years haven't seen a cliff. Am I technically still a climber? Like being a Marine--once a Marine always a Marine? Would I call myself a temporarily retired climber, disadvantaged climber or a tree climbing spank from flatville? What would you call me?
Ok, right off the bat..."tree climbing spank from flatville"...and you have doubts that this is what you should call yourself? Brah, that's like the coolest self-bestowed nickname ever. Sheesh, if I were you, I'd have that embroidered into my underwear, it's so frigging rad.
Now, you could climb buildings and be a builderer...I suspect that there's at least...oh...another few seconds of coolness left in that particular pastime's 15 minutes of fame. You could climb trees and be...a wierdo. No, I think someone sporting a dope slogan on their tightie-whities needs a far more radical pursuit. I think you need to pioneer the sport of ultra low-angle slab climbing. That's right, bro...you're going horizontal.
I mean, look around you, pimp. An eternity of problems as far as the eye can see. Sick brick patio micro crimpers, uber-friction sidewalk slopers and huge throws to pothole jugs all over I-95 South. Just the other day I hear that Chris Sharma and Jason Kehl are in town secretly working a V16ish link up of Bottom of a Swimming Pool V14 into Tennis Court that Needs Resurfacing V13. The Access Fund is trying to get it opened for private usage, but at the moment...you need a guide.
How's it feel to be in the center of a climbing revolution?
Allez. My underwear is mute. Homard.
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cintune
Jun 9, 2005, 10:56 PM
Post #430 of 977
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Registered: Nov 10, 2004
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Brilliant idea. You could strap bungee cords around your ankles and tie them off to a bike rack or something. And lay on a skateboard while you're at it. Hell, people slackline, so why not this?
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dbarandiaran
Jun 10, 2005, 10:40 PM
Post #431 of 977
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Registered: May 29, 2003
Posts: 113
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oh great n00b, seer of the crags, I have a question for you... I am an avid trad climber, and have spent a ridiculous amount of money on gear. I have it all, octo-cams, offset bong-nuts, prusik-minding belay device/ascenders, I even have a ham-sandwich maker, just put in a loaf of bread and a package of ham, and presto! a ham sandwich with a simple press of a button. Anyway my question is this... even though I am already in more debt that your typical third world country, I still feel the need to buy more gear! I don't have a problem with going into more debt, it all seems pretty theoretical to me at this point, but I am unsure what to buy next! Please help me, n00b!
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subtle
Jun 13, 2005, 5:42 PM
Post #432 of 977
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In reply to: I was recently at a popular climbing area and after chatting with a woman (a trad climbing woman no less) she asked me for my phone number! We're getting together for dinner tonight and we're going climbing this weekend. Do I lead her up hard climbs to show her how virile and studly I am? Or do I lead her up more mellow routes to show her how sensitive I am? Or should I let her do the leading to show her how chivalrous I can be?
(sigh)...here we go again. Someday, someone is going to ask me a question about women climbers that I can actually answer from personal experience...here's a hint...it'd have to be a short one, and probably involve the words 'frightened', 'intimidated' and 'soiled myself'. Until that blissful day arrives, though, I shall do my best via internet searches and random ideas plagiarized from sketchy self-help pamphlets. Allez, guesswork!
Apparently, there is a well-established and time honored formula for trad climbing with women. You should lead all the pitches, and be sure to bring waaaay more gear than the route demands. Place a piece about every 2 feet, then scamper to the belay stance and build a bomber anchor. Use the rest of your giant gear rack as a counterweight to auto-belay your partner up the route as you take 450 close-up totally coincidentally down-the-shirt digital pictures. Post the best 398 of them on RC.com, all of which will be rated an '11' and inhabit the front page for 498 consecutive weeks. One of them will be selected by Urban Pimper magazine for inclusion in the Underdressed and Overexposed photo section...where it will be seen by your partner...who will sock you a good one and probably key your car.
Allez. It was a coincidence, he swears! Homard.
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subtle
Jun 14, 2005, 7:43 PM
Post #433 of 977
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In reply to: I recently went on an expedition to find such a crag in the greater Tokyo Metropolous. Things were great until I ran out of freeze dried food and had to live off of the corner vending machines. When I found this mysterous crag I found that I couldn't climb at the level that I have been accustomed to. I actually felt weaker climbing on this wall than any other wall that I have been on. Is there some sort of training that I should do before I try to tackle this great urban wall? Could it have been the lights?? Could it have been the air-conditioning?
Yeah, bro, that's the stuff. While everybody with a Dopegun hoodie and some $168 jeans is taking digital video of themselves working an ill V2- proj on the side of a Dry Cleaner's in East Orange, NJ...you have discovered the true soul of metro climbing...Extreme Urban Alpine Climbing. Rad, yo!
I mean, now that they've dusted off all of the really tasty hideously dangerous routes in Chamonix, the Alps, et al...what's left? Do you really want to die making the 97th ascent of the North North West Indirect Burkina Faso Aid Route? "Ooohhh, we shaved off 9 minutes!"...break out the lukewarm soy milk, superstar! Nah, bro, all of the rad stuff has been climbed long ago. It's time to look for greener pastures...and by that I mean...giant urban sprawl. Get your subway on, fool.
Although you prudently declined to reveal the location of your proj du jour, I'm going to bet that it's in the Greater Shibuya Massif, probably The Mitsui Tower or the West Buttress of TEPCO...both proud lines. I suspect your weakness on-route was mostly attributable to your mid-pitch shift to vending machine beer and anime pornography...although driven by necessity, three gallons of Asahi Dry and Battle Vixens IV have stalled more than one first ascent party...although they make a pretty good party all by themselves. Alpine Demi-God Mark Twight espouses brutal training to hone the climber into a uber-human send machine...so the obvious thing for you to do is drink as much beer and look at as much anime porn as possible to...errr, hone...yourself...ummm...into...
Ah, nevermind.
Allez. There's some sweet bouldering at Tsukiji fish market. Homard.
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cintune
Jun 15, 2005, 12:16 AM
Post #434 of 977
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In reply to: Leader traverses off the belay 250' up. They fall trying to negotiate an overhanging arete. They are unable to help themselves (for whatever reason) and are hanging on the rope 8' below the last piece. They are 10' above and 40' to the right of your position. Your rope is 50m long. What do you do? Add details as you need: belay directly on anchor with Grigri, or Munter Hitch. Belayed off waist with various devices, etc. |
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jakedatc
Jun 15, 2005, 5:59 AM
Post #435 of 977
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Registered: Mar 12, 2003
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Dear nOOb
weather allowing... we'll be going golfing tomorrow.. now.. having only really climbed in the past year or so i'm a bit rusty on the details so i'm hoping you could fill them in before tee time
shoes.. miuras or testarossas? i mean do par 5's need more heel hooking action for long driving power or would they need the looser comfort for the long walk?
clothes.. prana.. duh but will it increase my skills like bouldering or just confuse the gophers
accessories.. clubs fit in the Drop Zone right? chalk pot.. it's guna be freaking hot out. tooth brush for those testy putts.. missing anything?
aight.. and every golfer has their preshot routine.. so ive been practicing
check out the scorecard... find the line i want.. par.. length.. short quip about the first player. Mime out the swing.. ball tragectory.. post shot club throw.. got that down. pick a club... and best shoe.. dip club into chalk pot and load up for max. friction. swing Swing *listens to some Maynard.. maybe a little KoRn* Swing and connect! Bizzaattt!
allez. FORE!!!!
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aikibujin
Jun 15, 2005, 1:34 PM
Post #436 of 977
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Registered: Dec 28, 2003
Posts: 408
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N00b,
Well first of all, you haven't answered my two previous questions, so I'm alternating between feeling angry ("that little bastard, wait till I get a pinch grip on his white pasty neck...") and self-loathing ("I'm not worthy. Maybe I should just go crawl under a V0- and die..."). I know the Ask Noob, Inc has to answer many questions from inquisitive fans, but if my question got skipped again, I may just turn obsessive-compulsive and start stalking you from my parents basement. I may even perform curses on you by sticking pushpins in a stick of melting butter that's wearing a small beanie.
Be afraid. My voodoo is strong.
Now that I have you thoroughly freaked out and shaking in your boxers, here's my situation. Last weekend I went on a climbing trip. I filled my pickup with trad gear, but ended up never use any of it. You see, we found this new style called deepwater soloing. It's totally rad, yo! It's like bouldering over water, but bouldering is so yesterday, deepwater soloing is where it's at now. Even Climbing Magazine had an article about not too long ago. It is the new fad, like slacklining a few years ago... except it's actually related to climbing. Now here's my question: how can we set the elite deepwater soloists apart from all the other *snicker* climbers? I mean, we can't possibly want to be confused with trad climbers, or even boulderers. If I was ever seen wearing a beanie while deepwater soloing, I'd probably get tied to a rock and tossed over an edge... multiple times. So what should I wear?
Allez. Splash! Gurgle gurgle gurgle... Homard.
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viciado
Jun 16, 2005, 8:34 AM
Post #438 of 977
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cintune, excellente!
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aikibujin
Jun 16, 2005, 12:35 PM
Post #439 of 977
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But that's just regular swimming goggles. I can't possibly be seen wearing that, people will just think I got lost while out for a swim. Shouldn't Metolius make some sort of Super Goggles© that act as both a pair of swimming goggles AND waterproof chalk pot at the same time? That would be totally rad. Especially if the Metolius logo is clearly visible on the head strap, because, you know, I wouldn't want people to confuse them with a pair of Nike goggles.
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friendscallmebabe
Jun 17, 2005, 6:14 AM
Post #440 of 977
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Registered: Jul 5, 2004
Posts: 17
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Dear NOOB,
I fear I have released a terrible nightmare upon the local climbing community -- my stepbrother. I introduced him to climbing BEFORE I knew his personality is the type that cannot take being corrected by anyone, regardless of what the problem is. He thinks if something is "working" then it's "OK" the way it is. By this I mean travesties like setting up top-ropes with ONE biner sitting half way over the edge, taking his brake hand off while belaying, and placing gear so bad it falls out. Is there a polite way to tell step-brah he needs to forget rocks are on this planet, or should I just let him Darwin his way out?
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4togo
Jun 17, 2005, 7:38 AM
Post #441 of 977
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Registered: May 29, 2005
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Dear NOOB,
In reply to: Now that I have you thoroughly freaked out and shaking in your boxers,
Boxers, briefs, or acceptable alternative?
Ms. X
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subtle
Jun 17, 2005, 12:37 PM
Post #442 of 977
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In reply to: Now here's my question: how can we set the elite deepwater soloists apart from all the other *snicker* climbers? I mean, we can't possibly want to be confused with trad climbers, or even boulderers.
Hmmm...you're right...how can we possibly differentiate a deep-water soloist from, let's say a group of trad climbers or boulderers. I mean, one would think that the lack of gear, the bathing suit and the large puddle of sea water might be clues...but we need to be sure. Now, right off the bat, I'd suggest some sort of permanent ear tagging system like they do with...errr...caribou, or something. Regrettably, their migratory patterns were of, well, minimal interest to National Geographic, since...errrr...climbers aren't particularly endangered nor terribly hard to find. Check the local coffee bar and/or parent's sofa and...there they are. Tons of them. More than you can shake a stick at. Don't you people have jobs?
Hmmm...thinking...
Allez. I'm going Deep-Water Buildering...I'm so frigging rad. Homard.
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cintune
Jun 17, 2005, 7:21 PM
Post #443 of 977
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Registered: Nov 10, 2004
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In reply to: But that's just regular swimming goggles.
No, no, the chalk goes inside the goggles, and helps to dry the tears of frustration when you can't send. Alternately, you can clip a chalkbag off the strap, so it hangs just over the nape of your neck. Either way, there'll be no mistaking you for a deep water boulderer in the height of fashion. Trust me. I'm sure the Noob would back me up on this.
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subtle
Jun 20, 2005, 7:09 PM
Post #445 of 977
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In reply to: I fear I have released a terrible nightmare upon the local climbing community -- my stepbrother. I introduced him to climbing BEFORE I knew his personality is the type that cannot take being corrected by anyone, regardless of what the problem is. He thinks if something is "working" then it's "OK" the way it is. By this I mean travesties like setting up top-ropes with ONE biner sitting half way over the edge, taking his brake hand off while belaying, and placing gear so bad it falls out. Is there a polite way to tell step-brah he needs to forget rocks are on this planet, or should I just let him Darwin his way out?
This is a surprisingly common phenomenon...and regrettably, it gets much, much worse. Fairly soon your stepbrother will realize that he is not...contrary to all logic and probability...ummmm, dead...and will start giving advice to everyone around him. His still-living status will make him a sort of all-knowing demi-god to the rental shoe set, who will hang on his every word of gibberish-beta as though he were The Pope of Prana. Drunk with power, he will start creating novel new words like 'Crimpton' and 'Bally-grip'...and soon the whole gym will be 'Dynosauring to to bally-crimpton, brah'. Eventually, he will run out of converts in the gym and probably start posting bizarre screeds to some sort of internet forum...most likely under some stupid contrived name...and...ahhhhh...
...I gotta go.
Allez. That Crimpton is bad, yo. Homard.
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subtle
Jun 21, 2005, 1:51 AM
Post #446 of 977
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In reply to: I am an avid trad climber, and have spent a ridiculous amount of money on gear. I have it all, octo-cams, offset bong-nuts, prusik-minding belay device/ascenders, I even have a ham-sandwich maker, just put in a loaf of bread and a package of ham, and presto! a ham sandwich with a simple press of a button. Anyway my question is this... even though I am already in more debt that your typical third world country, I still feel the need to buy more gear! I don't have a problem with going into more debt, it all seems pretty theoretical to me at this point, but I am unsure what to buy next! Please help me, n00b!
(sigh)...you poor fool. You're no Trad climber. You're...like half a Trad climber...a T**d climber. Let me explain...
You've got the desire, that much is clear. You want gear...but everybody wants gear. Heck, I want gear...and I don't even have a harness...or a partner...or a ride to the friggin' crag, wherever it is...but damn, those new C4s are sweet, brah. I could totally cam the crap out of something with about $3500 of those bad boys, I tell you. Your willingness to suck up...oh...about 40 years of minimum balance credit card payments to live the dream also speaks to your sincerity. But...there is one glaring shortfall...
What's this garbage about not knowing what to buy next? I mean, go cruise the Gearheads forum for about six seconds, broham. There are people in there trying to auction off gear they haven't even taken delivery of yet to scrape together cash for some dope new stuff that is still midway through the design stage in some garage in El Segundo. For real, yo. Should you somehow have accumulated all of the new radge ish gear on the market...good luck with that, by the way...then you just start doubling or tripling up...or more. Who knows, you absolutely might someday need to place 12 consecutive 3/16th Micro Extra-Terrestrial cams...and you might drop one...so you'd better get 13...maybe 14 as a backup.
Allez. Get 15, just to be safe. Homard.
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villageidiot
Jun 23, 2005, 5:18 PM
Post #447 of 977
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Registered: May 12, 2005
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Dear NOOB,
I took a ham sandwich to work today. Now I have this odd desire to place a stopper (BD #3 or 4) in the 3.5 floppy of my computer ( I also think a #3 C4 would go great between the filing cabinet and the cubicle wall. What is the matter? What should I do?
Sincerely,
Severely undergeared for climbing out of the lab
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subtle
Jun 27, 2005, 2:29 PM
Post #448 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: I took a ham sandwich to work today. Now I have this odd desire to place a stopper (BD #3 or 4) in the 3.5 floppy of my computer ( I also think a #3 C4 would go great between the filing cabinet and the cubicle wall. What is the matter? What should I do? Sincerely, Severely undergeared for climbing out of the lab
Well, clearly the malaise languishing over the global macroeconomy arises from the diminishing influence of the United States as the incremental consumer of goods and services due to a shift in productive capacity and the associated demand for raw commodity inputs to China and...
Ahhh, whoops. Wrong website. Sorry...
Using the advanced dream interpretation skills I have learned from watching Psychic CSI North Dakota at 2:30AM...it is clear that you are repressing some sort of radge ill emotional issue. You're looking for places to stick small pro. You want to 'climb out of the lab' but you don't have 'enough' gear...I'm sorry bro, but it's fairily obvious that you have...a tiny weener. This is not something that we here at Ask The NOOB can really help you with, but I'm sure you get lots of e-mails from helpful companies that can sell you some...errr...high-tech machinery that can...ummm...help you be all that you can be.
Good luck...and...Don't sprain anything.
Allez. Ru$$1@n Br1des and X@N@x 4U!!!. Homard.
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friendscallmebabe
Jun 27, 2005, 4:05 PM
Post #449 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
Late last night I regrettably returned to Oklahoma from a week in the home of my youthful first attempts at climbing, Wyoming. I need some advice about what I found out while I was there. To let you know how it all happened ...
I took my regular climbing buddy, a guy with 30 years of hard core trad climbing on his resume. We were at least an hour into our drive on a semi serviced dirt road through the middle of nowhere, to get to, well, nowhere. Then we happened across a downed vehicle whose owner was sitting on a very sweet hunk of granite drinking a beer. It was the local county commissioner, and he shared his beer! :righton: We shared our ham sandwiches.
Mr. Commissioner needed a jump and asked if we had jumper cables, we didn't, but after finishing the beer we gave him a ride to the nearest phone.
Now here is what I found out, and what has me confused ... During our conversation with Mr. Commissioner, my regular climbing brah said the following ... "I can jump a battery with my nuts, I've done it before."
NOOB, with nuts like that should I date him!!! or would this be highly dangerous?!?!
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bdplayer
Jun 27, 2005, 4:12 PM
Post #450 of 977
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Dear NOOB:
I hear that a lot of the RADDEST climbers are dyeing their hair and getting dreadlocks. I don't have a lot of hair anymore, because I tried to use my hair as a belay anchor, but I think that a wicked hairdo will improve my toproping to AT LEAST a 5.9, maybe a lot more. I can only dream of what that will do for my bouldering. Do you think I could get away with a wig, or would I need to get plugs? Also, is there a certain color of hair dye that makes you better, or is it the brand?
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subtle
Jun 28, 2005, 1:36 PM
Post #451 of 977
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In reply to: Mr. Commissioner needed a jump and asked if we had jumper cables, we didn't, but after finishing the beer we gave him a ride to the nearest phone. Now here is what I found out, and what has me confused ... During our conversation with Mr. Commissioner, my regular climbing brah said the following ... "I can jump a battery with my nuts, I've done it before." NOOB, with nuts like that should I date him!!! or would this be highly dangerous?!?!
You know, I have to be honest, I didn't want to answer this post. Much like the early spate of poo-related questions, I really really didn't want to spend a bunch of time contemplating the electrical conductivity of another guys's...errr, you're going to make me say it, aren't you...nuts. This got me to thinking. That's never a positive thing, let me tell you. A guy's ummm...gear...is usually his most prized posession and something he will safeguard at all costs. So, I have to wonder...if this is how he will casually use his errr, stuff...and in front of strangers, no less...what else has he been do with it? Opening stuck pickle jars? Pounding in nails? Chiseling out grout?
I don't know if you want to mess with someone on a grout rebound...
Allez. There's a right tool for every job. Homard.
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rickrock77
Jun 28, 2005, 2:30 PM
Post #452 of 977
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Howdy Noob.
I am a near new Noob'ie myself, only getting back into climbing of late, and have to recondition all the muscles, and my technique. so while doing my climbing at a local indoor spot(due to lack of outdoor area's), I have noticed a few top, possibly single, female climbers, who look positively awesome in their harnesses and body tight outfits.
So the question, how do you impress hot climber chicks? What moves should I work on? 3 metre Dyno's? Reverse Barndoors? Please help, this could affect the rest of my life..
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subtle
Jun 29, 2005, 6:22 PM
Post #453 of 977
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In reply to: I hear that a lot of the RADDEST climbers are dyeing their hair and getting dreadlocks. I don't have a lot of hair anymore, because I tried to use my hair as a belay anchor, but I think that a wicked hairdo will improve my toproping to AT LEAST a 5.9, maybe a lot more. I can only dream of what that will do for my bouldering. Do you think I could get away with a wig, or would I need to get plugs? Also, is there a certain color of hair dye that makes you better, or is it the brand?
To quote the eternally-pertinent Tenacious D: "It doesn't matter if it is good, it only matters if it rocks". What sort of tonsorial statement you affect is irrelevant, it only matters that you rock it to the limit of your ability to...errr...rock...it. If you aren't feeling your three foot long magenta drood locks, nobody else will either, brah. Your reverse mohawk totally isn't going to amp up your sendage unless you can look your fellow rad pimps in the eye and say, no...this was not a lawnmower accident...I meant to do this to my head. Rad, yo.
Obviously, though, even the raddest styling affectations can be rendered pretty bland if everybody else is already sporting the exact same look. Being described as 'the guy with the medium length orange dreds next to the guy with slightly longer reddish-orange dreds standing next to the guy with the short frizzy dreds that are kinda off-rust colored"...well...you get the picture...
Personally, I am rocking the classic mid-80's Flock of Seagulls 'do. Peep that, yo.
Allez. I ran, I ran so far away... Homard.
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theonlynebraskaclimber
Jul 1, 2005, 2:23 PM
Post #454 of 977
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Noob: I climb at a gym in Nebraska, and most of the gear there is my Friend's. I don't like to be always borrowing stuff, so i have been slowly buying my own gear. I have a harrness and shoes, what should i get next. I do lead climbing and top rope, and some bouldering.
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subtle
Jul 5, 2005, 3:22 AM
Post #455 of 977
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In reply to: So the question, how do you impress hot climber chicks?
Well, I'd normally suggest that you take the obvious route and create a dream woman out of a computer composite of various supermodels, porn stars, and V-hard crankin' uber-bettys...then bring her to life in an zany mid-80's movie co-starring Anthony Michael Hall...I mean, what could go wrong, eh Chet? Nada, broham.
Ok, so now you've got some sort of geeked-up hybrid Heidi Klum/Liv Sansoz/ummm...errr...Pornie McNaked. But how to impress her? Hmmm...two words, brah. Post Count. Word, yo.
Back in the day you'd probably have to...slay a dragon or...I dunno...write a poem or...actually send some sort of V2- gym proj to impress your V-Grade Vixen...but no more. Nowadays, all of the really virile rock jocks have gone virtual. Ask anybody...on...ummm, RC.com...who's a guy...and posts a lot. C'mon ladies, fess up, nothing oozes raw animality like 500 or so replies in the 'What Shoes Should I Buy?' thread. Dead Sexy! Heck, when Ask The NOOB went over 50,000 views, I got an invitation to the Playboy Mansion...I think I'll fit right in...
Allez. Does Prana make Pajamas? Homard.
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friendscallmebabe
Jul 5, 2005, 6:06 AM
Post #456 of 977
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Dear Guru NOOB,
You recently adviced that I NOT date a guy who can jump a car with his nuts. What kind of nuts should a brah have? If it goes against your advice or not, I have already ruled out the guy at the crag who was talking about his micro-nuts that have never been used, and how he was there to scuf them up.
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subtle
Jul 6, 2005, 10:21 PM
Post #457 of 977
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In reply to: Noob: I climb at a gym in Nebraska, and most of the gear there is my Friend's. I don't like to be always borrowing stuff, so i have been slowly buying my own gear. I have a harrness and shoes, what should i get next. I do lead climbing and top rope, and some bouldering.
Hmmm...you're totally screwed, brah. Not only can't I give you advice about how to load out for the crag...because you don't have a crag...I can't even tell you how to rock your dope pimp steezos on the buildering scene...since you don't have any buildings either. You're like...totally trapped in a vast un-rad plain of corn...and you can't crimp corn, no matter how hard you try. Believe me, I've been there...for...no particular reason...er, anyway...
Ok, for you it's all about the gym. No problem. At one point in time, this would be seen as a drawback...but no more. Given the rise of Dyno Comps, Campusing Comps, and One-Handed DynoCampusing with Optional Sexual Self-Gratification Comps, the gym is now widely seen as just as cool as putting up a new line on El Cap. I mean, c'mon, who hasn't done that?
There's really two ways to approach the gym situation...massive under or overkill. The well-prepared gym monkey comes correct with at least three pair of shoes, two chalk bags, three hold brushes, a wrench for 'adjusting' spun holds, a nalgene with 47 stickers on it, a harness, an ATC, a half-consumed can of Red Bull, a GriGri, and two power bars. To stand out in this crowd, you're going to have to show up with your own top rope, a lifesized cardboard cut-out of Chris Sharma and a section of bolt-on climbing wall...and that might not even do the trick. No, brah, I think you'd better go the other way...
You need to roll up in that piece in your jeans, played out flip-flops and a vintage Doobie Brothers t-shirt. Steal the half empty can of Red Bull from the gumb projecting the green taped V1- and talk smack with the staff for two hours. Occasionally pantomime some sick moves you did..errrr...last sesh, being careful not to spill any of your Red Bull...serious bad karma there, brah. When asked by the guy toting four beanies and a Lisa Rands mannequin why you're not climbing, inform him that you're "totally blown out from yesterday at...the new spot...you know". He will have no idea what this means, but will instantly be jealous that he is not climbing...wherever it is...that you are. When asked how it was, simply respond "Rad", then drain your Red Bull and walk out of the gym.
See...dope don't cost a thing, yo.
Allez. Man, I wish I were cool enough to climb wherever you do... Homard.
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macblaze
Jul 7, 2005, 6:03 PM
Post #458 of 977
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Mr. nOOb, sir...
As I have been solidly flashing 5.5 and 5.6 leads for the three weeks since I started climbing I have decided that Trad is the next step. I was writing out my gear list before the big shopping trip and suddenly discovered an obvious question that has yet to be answered.
What kind of bread should I use for the ham sandwich? I'm partial to white with massive amounts of preservatives but my partner is a 7 grain gal all the way.
Please help because I need to decide on the bread before I can determine the proper combination of nuts needed to move up in the weeks to come. (I figure I should be on to big wall stuff by August!)
MacBlaze
"If it doesn't kill ya, I guarantee it'll hurt a LOT"
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climbinginchico
Jul 7, 2005, 6:12 PM
Post #459 of 977
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Registered: Mar 24, 2004
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Dear NOOB,
Are we Real Trad Climbers? We built and anchor, and ate ham sandwiches while hanging off of it. Verification is available here.
Please advise.
Wannabe Traddies
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skinnyclimber
Jul 7, 2005, 6:42 PM
Post #460 of 977
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Registered: Apr 27, 2005
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Dear Mr. nOOb,
First off I would like to thank you for all your, uhhhh, wonderful advice. My life has been completely changed since your last reply to my questions. I have now become (...drum roll...) a pot smoking couch potato!! And to top that, I visit rc.com from 9am to 4pm everyday when I should be working!!!
Well now I have a new question.
The other day I was scoping out this new crag that I am hoping to develope (thinking of calling it "Chossland USA". Well the problem is there isn't much to attach a toprope to, and I'm certainly not good enough to lead it. So one day I saw a bunch of deer at the top of the crag. They seemed pretty sturdy and didn't sway in the wind, so I figure, why not achnor to them? So my question is this: is in ok to anchor to a deer? How about an elk. I figure if I put a bowl of food up there they will stay around long enough for me to work the route (8m in length). Is there some kind of ethical issue with this?
You have my most sincere thanks and gratitude in advance.
Skinny
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subtle
Jul 11, 2005, 2:58 PM
Post #461 of 977
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In reply to: What kind of bread should I use for the ham sandwich? I'm partial to white with massive amounts of preservatives but my partner is a 7 grain gal all the way.
There's a shockingly easy answer to this question...so I don't even have to do any thinking on this one...as opposed to all of that...errrrm, deep thought...I put into...other posts...ah, nevermind.
What you want to do, broham, is pull out your guidebook, topo, or beer stained napkin with the route sketched on it and see what the FA was done with. Obviously, you want to do the route in the purest style possible, so if Sweeny McTricam put up Hug the Jugs 5.3+ with #4-#9 stoppers, cams from .5 to 2 and a two-day old pita stuffed with spam...well...you know how to rack out for that one, no?
Don't be afraid to change as technology allows, either, as long as you repsect local ethics. As any old-school hardman can tell you, the advent of the wrap...with it's vastly superior handling and placement properties...has allowed the average climber to pick up at least a grade, possibly two. I mean, can you imagine trying to fiddle in pro on a spicy 5.6- while trying to hold together a pulled-pork sandy with extra barbecue sauce?
Insanity.
AlLEEz. Homard.
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uberdb
Jul 11, 2005, 6:56 PM
Post #462 of 977
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Registered: Jul 11, 2005
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Deer Noob,
I am, like, a bad-arse climber ? But people are always saying bad things about sport climbers ? So because I am the 5.6 sending god of my crag, I figured I should become even more rad ? By going trad ? So, like any good trad climber, I bought a bunch of nuts, hexes, tri-cams, nut cleaning tools, and ... um ... other expensive things that I don't know what they are (but most of them have nice high-techy slings attached !!). So I went to my local crag and and told some stupid guy climbing an easy 5.12 something that I wanted to climb trad. Well, he told me there was a "mixed" 5.4 around the corner ? no, the other corner ? Whatever ! Anyways I found the place, but there was like, no bolts, and this guy was like 'dude, you have to wedge your protection in!', but I already knew that because I looked at a few pages of a book written by some Long guy, when I was buying my stuff, and I got all ready and got started up, and when I got to the, like, one bolt, I figured this would be the time to prove my trad-ness by whipping out my ham-sammy. but then I dropped my sammy, because I didn't use enough chalk, and then my belayer was all mad because he doesn't like getting food on his school clothes and stuff. Noob, am I real climber now ? even if I couldn't get my gear back when I lowered off the one bolt ? I know if I ever become a real trad climber, I can finally talk to the one climber-girl I saw at my crag, and be all cool because then I could, like, offer her a bite of my sandwich, if she could get close to me despite the two foot ring of gear surrounding me, because I am, like, so totally trad ? Help ?
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subtle
Jul 12, 2005, 4:39 PM
Post #463 of 977
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Ummm...that's not an anchor...that's a civilization. It's almost an ecosystem, if you had some...monkeys...or maybe a legislative branch or something...jeebus...it boggles the mind. But, to your question...are you real Trad climbers...and the answer is...no. As you choke back bitter tears of disappointment, let me explain.
Sin #1 - Sticker Violation. Look at that cooler. So much virgin surface area to plaster with Pretzl decals and Sport Climbing is Neither stickers...and it's bare! You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Sin #2 - Excessive Fitness. Nobody's fat. You're not even big boned. You all look like you just ran a yoga marathon or something. That will not do. You are all suspiciously clean, as well...is that cooler full of soap? Hmmm?
Sin #3 - Unused Gear. Your anchor is minimally redundant. Why take chances when you have at least another 15-20 pieces you could place, based on the rack you're carrying and those cams hanging on the wall. Who are you, Mark Twight? What if your first 19 pieces blow? Then you're all hanging from that blue Alien, begging for mommy...let's see your cooler full of soap save you then, yoga boy.
Sin #4 - Gender Inequality. You honestly expect us to believe that you climb with not just one, but two women? I've never even seen two women climbers...granted...I don't get out too much...but still...
Sin #5 - You're Standing on the Ground. Well, you are. I mean, trad's all about climbing 49,000 feet of 5.4- and then saying stuff like "I was 5,000 feet above my last 1/64th cam and whoooeee, man, it was Spicy up there". Even we boulderers occasionally get up off our crashpads and stand. Sheesh. Oooh, look at me, I'll all run-out and vertical.
Watch, I'll try it now...nope, sofa got me. Damn.
AlLEEz. Homard.
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justineus
Jul 13, 2005, 2:26 AM
Post #464 of 977
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Dear noob,
My friend and I were discussing the possibility of mixing climbing with teleportation. Of course we have no intentions on disturbing the purity of climbing by cheating in any way. We were just both at work and wishing we could 'port off for a quick pull at the crag on our lunch break. The mere possiblity is intriguing and I'm curious what you have to say about it.
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subtle
Jul 13, 2005, 11:53 PM
Post #465 of 977
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In reply to: Well the problem is there isn't much to attach a toprope to, and I'm certainly not good enough to lead it. So one day I saw a bunch of deer at the top of the crag. They seemed pretty sturdy and didn't sway in the wind, so I figure, why not achnor to them? So my question is this: is in ok to anchor to a deer? How about an elk. I figure if I put a bowl of food up there they will stay around long enough for me to work the route (8m in length). Is there some kind of ethical issue with this?
You have posed a number of challenging questions, especially since as a boulderer I had to go buy a copy of Mountaineering - Freedom of the Hills to look up 'crag' and 'anchor'...and...err...'deer'. Incidentally, I have been working on a companion volume Bouldering - Steezos of the Pimps, which has been met with...somewhat limited enthusiasm...but anyway...
Obviously, when constructing your anchor it will be tempting to automatically select the elk due to it's larger capacity to hold a fall...but recognize that the smaller deer might be the more appropriate pro for the placement. You are going to want at least three equalized points of contact, natch, so you may want to use two deer for vertical loading and sling the elk to negate any sideways pull. A common food bowl might be a good idea, since separate food bowls will increase your angle between the anchors and multiply the forces on each point. Whatever you do, avoid the dreaded ADT - American Deer Triangle, where a single sling is used to connect two points...any fall will instantly result in a 9870% loading on each deer...and they're totally not UIAA rated for that, bro.
The ethics of venison anchors vary from crag to crag, so be sure to check your guidebook. Beware of climbing areas where deer are particularly endangered or...particularly tasty...as you'd hate for your anchor to become either extinct or a...ahem, flank steak...mid-route.
AlLEEz. Bambi is totally bomber, yo. Homard.
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subtle
Jul 18, 2005, 1:00 AM
Post #466 of 977
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In reply to: 1. I am, like, a bad-arse climber ? 2. But people are always saying bad things about sport climbers ? 3. So because I am the 5.6 sending god of my crag, I figured I should become even more rad ? 4. By going trad ? 5. Well, he told me there was a "mixed" 5.4 around the corner ? 6. no, the other corner ? 7. Noob, am I real climber now ? 8. even if I couldn't get my gear back when I lowered off the one bolt ? 9. I know if I ever become a real trad climber, I can finally talk to the one climber-girl I saw at my crag, and be all cool because then I could, like, offer her a bite of my sandwich, if she could get close to me despite the two foot ring of gear surrounding me, because I am, like, so totally trad ? 10. Help ?
Wow, you asked ten questions. Well...errr, you used 10 question marks, at any rate...and some of them were attached to...more or less sentences. I don't have nearly the patience or intellectual capacity to answer 10 questions, so I'm going to have to kind of...glue a few of them together...like so...
In reply to: Deer Noob, (#3) Should I become even more rad, (#4) By going Trad? (#9) Because I am, like, so totally trad. (#1) I am. (#7) Am I? (#10) Help?
Whoa, broham, I totally know where you're coming from. Sometimes as I squat rodent-like under my latest sick proj, busily gnawing on a cruelty-free SoyBar and re-taping my digits, I wonder...is this all there is? Endless burns on a savage V1- testpiece...can after can of Red Bull...a never ending sea of faces saying "Whoa, that's bleeding pretty bad" and "Maybe you should try an aaah, easier problem". Your mind starts to wander...should I go buy some cams...take off my beanie...talk to that girl...I do like ham sandwiches...maybe there is an easier way...a better way...
Nah.
Maybe you should check it out, though...bring some mustard.
AlLEEz. Homard.
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uberdb
Jul 18, 2005, 3:03 AM
Post #467 of 977
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In reply to: ... so I'm going to have to kind of... glue a few of them together...like so... In reply to: Deer Noob, (#3) Should I become even more rad, (#4) By going Trad? (#9) Because I am, like, so totally trad. (#1) I am. (#7) Am I? (#10) Help?
Dear Noob, thank you ? I'm not sure how, but your answer not only unlocked the secret primal 5.4 trad climber within me ( haven't done it yet, but I can feel the righteous pro-placing energy flowing through my mustard covered finger, yo ?), but has also given me the impression that I should avoid beenies most definately and never ask if I should get one or something, but maybe that was only because my head is sort of mishapen and my mom told me it was because thats the way my plates came together when i was a kid, but I don't have any plates because all I have is disposable dishes so haha on her even though one girl laughed the one time I went bald and wished I had had a beenie and maybe I should get one... ? Anyways ? When you rearranged that stuff it was like a message telling me that I AM A RAD/TRAD CLIMBER ? I AM ??? Thank you so very much Noob ??? Thank you ???
- DB ?
P.S. Why did I bring mustard to the keyboard, yo ?
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subtle
Jul 19, 2005, 2:32 PM
Post #468 of 977
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In reply to: Dear noob, My friend and I were discussing the possibility of mixing climbing with teleportation. Of course we have no intentions on disturbing the purity of climbing by cheating in any way. We were just both at work and wishing we could 'port off for a quick pull at the crag on our lunch break. The mere possiblity is intriguing and I'm curious what you have to say about it.
Oh, it's a fine idea...it's just putting it into practice that's the sticky wicket...if we were in errrr, England...which we aren't. First you're going to need, like, 1.21 gigawatts of power to activate your flux capacitor...then you're going to have to put one of those hyper-futuristic phone booth/porta-potty looking teleporter pods wherever you want to go. This is what will get you in trouble 99% of the time. Let me explain...
A solid mainstay of any Saturday morning Creature Double Feature was one of the myriad variations of The Fly...although not Dave Graham's 5.14d, strangely enough...kinda ironic, as his is way scarier than Jeff Goldblum's. Regardless of the glaring Rumney omission, if we've learned one thing from The Fly, it's that when teleporting you really, really need to keep your pod-type thingies clean and empty at all times. That totally isn't going to happen, bro. Even if someone in distress doesn't accidentally use your pod for a latrine, there'll still be a smallish clan of folks trying to bivvy in there if it rains, using it as a cooking area, throwing trash in there, or trying to boulder the outside of it...probably all of the above at once. Basically, the first time you plug the bugger in and use it, you're going to end up as some ghastly amalgamation of person, a powerbar wrapper, poo, somebody's manky lentil and tofu stew and probably a dirtbag climber named Topeka Bart who's just passing through...and man...now you need two beanies and a really serious bath.
Ah, just take the car, broham. Trust me on this one.
AlLEEz. Homard.
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taualum23
Jul 19, 2005, 2:58 PM
Post #469 of 977
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In reply to: Basically, the first time you plug the bugger in and use it, you're going to end up as some ghastly amalgamation of person, a powerbar wrapper, poo, somebody's manky lentil and tofu stew and probably a dirtbag climber named Topeka Bart who's just passing through...and man...now you need two beanies and a really serious bath .
NOOB, you can stop now (but please don't). You have reached the Zenith. Awesome advice. You truly asre as wise as all of these answers have shown.
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dirtineye
Jul 19, 2005, 3:09 PM
Post #470 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: Basically, the first time you plug the bugger in and use it, you're going to end up as some ghastly amalgamation of person, a powerbar wrapper, poo, somebody's manky lentil and tofu stew and probably a dirtbag climber named Topeka Bart who's just passing through...and man...now you need two beanies and a really serious bath . NOOB, you can stop now (but please don't). You have reached the Zenith. Awesome advice. You truly asre as wise as all of these answers have shown.
Don't even think about stopping, you tried that once before, look where it got you.
Now there are 31 pages of funny stuff, never hijacked, with none of the acrimony that permates almost every other thread of any length. Ask the N00b is a great accomplishment. Be proud. Ask your parents if you can stay on the couch for another year, so that the minds of RC.com may continue being set free by your inspired postings.
Dingus, Kodos, and Largo combined can't match your peerless wit and wisdom.
Truly you are great , Oh N00b.
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subtle
Jul 19, 2005, 7:58 PM
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What I like most about this thread, I think, is that it's just exactly like the clown car at the circus...just when you think that the show's over...another clown pops out...and...another...man, how do they all fit in there? Where do they come from?
Except my clowns are made of ham sandwiches...that probably means something...Nah.
Next question, anyone?
AlLEEz. Dance, porcine jester, dance! Homard.
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badclimber
Jul 19, 2005, 9:01 PM
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Dear n00B
I'm a boulderer and naturally have not had sexual relations with any of the hotties from my gym. Or with any other woman for that matter. However, I do have the normal carnal desires of a young man. Hence the question: Does masturbating increase or decrease my ability to send?
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lymankiser
Jul 19, 2005, 9:45 PM
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Mr NOOB,
I thought i might try slacklining so I took my rope and tied one end to my honda and the other to the tree. I felt like I pulled the alignment so I turned the car around and ran the rope under the car to the bumper and tried pulling the other way. It seemed to work, but I was driving home from work and started thinking about the rope. Should I be worried about using it to climb on? It seems to be getting weaker because after trying for a while I keep having to back the car up to get it tighter, though this doesn't happen so much anymore. And, I found wristpads like the rollerbladers use to be very handy when you are doing this on the driveway! Should I still climb on the rope?
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jumpingrock
Jul 19, 2005, 9:50 PM
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Dear Mr. NOOB,
This is my first foray into asking you a question and I don't want to seem like an idiot, so please forgive if this question has been asked before. (I can't actually read and have a room full of blind monkey's randomly typing this up for me) So here is my problem. I am a trad climber, stuffed full of ham sandwiches and loaded with the newest and greatest cams and ball nutz. I even have a trad chick to carry my gear to and from the 5.4- project I have been working on for the past 3 years. It seems that trad climbing is getting old and boring for me. I wish to diversify and get into bouldering. Is there anyway that I will be able to morph my fat trad ass (5'4" 250lbs) to become a uber rad boulderer sending the cutting edge V0+ projects?
Lost in ham land,
JR
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narcissus_jwl
Jul 19, 2005, 10:05 PM
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What is the requirement of gear for rock climbing...rope, harness..what else, and yes, im a total noob but gotta start somewhere.
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uberdb
Jul 20, 2005, 12:17 AM
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Narcissus,
Not to jump into Subtle's fun, but if you're serious, you've wandered into the wrong thread - try running a search through previous forum threads or posting in the beginner's forum - this thread is about sandwiches, beenies, and sweet-ass ninjas.
- DB
(edit)
p.s., If you're not serious, then rock on, yo ?
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swimming_dragon
Jul 20, 2005, 2:37 AM
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Yo N00b,
I was totally on the first move of my lie-down-start proj and I greased off coz like I thought: what if I have the WRONG PAD? I fully cannot get in the sending zone if i haven't got this pad question wired. I think I should get the new uber pad that has like fully been blessed by Sharma & some buddhist dudes with fully sick hats, but I don't know how many to get, would three be enough or would my bro's just laugh at me for not being rad enough?
Is beanies matching the crash pads now & rockin' it, or way last season?
OMMMard
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jamming_man
Jul 20, 2005, 5:09 AM
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Dear Noob...Me and a friend of mine just sent this awesome 5.4 with a 5.5 crux multipitch at lovers leap...and we left my nut up there somewhere...now heres my dillema...should i have free soloed it to get to it....waited for the next group to bring it up to me ...or do a tripple back spin of the edge removing the nut with my pinkie in flight and l;anding on my last belay anchor... What is the right way to retrieve that valuable piece of gear even though i already have 17 more of those #13 nuts??? :?: :idea:
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sogwap7
Jul 20, 2005, 7:20 PM
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Mr. Noob
First of all I would just like to join the others in thanking you for your tireless efforts in educating the n00bs. The fact that you have taken it upon yourself to spell out so clearly the subtleties of climbing just shows your compassion to the masses. If it weren't for you how would i know that as a boulderer my grades are being held back so much by mearly wearing a t-shirt, and wearing a baseball hat instead of a beanie. No one at my local gym mentioned that valuable piece of information to me, it was you. How else would i know that to even take interest in sport climbing that i would need to invest my life savings in totally UV spandies and mousse? (thats another valuable piece of information that no one mentioned). So n00b......*sniffle sniffle*....*mild weeping*..............*violent weeping*........YOUR THE MAN!
*deep breaths* ok sorry for that.... now.....errr.....ok...... just give me a second to compose myself.........ok on to the question at hand.
In the recent weeks I have been so thoroughly captivated by the thread and ham sammys that I've completely transformed into a trad climber. And i didn't even realize it was happening. Now I'm ok with this cause i get to buy shiny widgets and doo-ma-hicky's. However I recently just got married and really have no money to start a trad rack so i was wondering if the nuts i made would work until i have enough to really buy the real thing. Under any normal circumstance i would just accrue 10 life times of debt but due to my new wife not standing for debt i cant do that. So below i have a link to a picture of some nuts that I made, if you could just take a look and let me know what you think that would be great.
thanks alot!
your wisdom changes lives.
www.geocities.com/dalhism.geo/random.html
Steve "check me out honey I'm tradding" blacksmith
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nd2boostt
Jul 20, 2005, 7:59 PM
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In reply to: www.geocities.com/dalhism.geo/random.html
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Awesome
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subtle
Jul 20, 2005, 8:14 PM
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In reply to: I'm a boulderer and naturally have not had sexual relations with any of the hotties from my gym. Or with any other woman for that matter. However, I do have the normal carnal desires of a young man. Hence the question: Does masturbating increase or decrease my ability to send?
Now this is an interesting question...that I know absolutely nothing about...nothing...errrr, as far as you people know. Anyway...enough about me.
Any training regimine...be it HIT Strips, campus board, or furtive yet vigorous self-stimulation locked in a bathroom of your parent's house...has it's relative plusses and minuses. As in all things, strength is no substitute for technique. Be sure to warm up, as you certainly don't want to pull a tendon, ligament or nasty unmentionable part. Make the most of your training time by addressing your weakest area, be it power or endurance. Try to even out any natural left or right side bais you have developed, either through genetic disposition or excessive unidirectional training. I mean, you don't want to be known as Spanky The Crab Boy With the One Giant Forearm Who Only Climbs to the Left...although that is a damn cool nickname, now that I think of it.
Whatever you do...and I cannot overemphasise this enough...be careful of letting your mind drift ummm, mid-session. It's all very well and good to be focused on the proj 24/7, but some careless inadvertent beta-pantomime at an inopportune moment could lead to...aaah, a broken hold. Ow, yo.
AlLEEz. Get the sika, maybe you can glue it back on. Homard.
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subtle
Jul 22, 2005, 3:46 AM
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In reply to: I thought i might try slacklining so I took my rope and tied one end to my honda and the other to the tree. I felt like I pulled the alignment so I turned the car around and ran the rope under the car to the bumper and tried pulling the other way. It seemed to work, but I was driving home from work and started thinking about the rope. Should I be worried about using it to climb on? It seems to be getting weaker because after trying for a while I keep having to back the car up to get it tighter, though this doesn't happen so much anymore. And, I found wristpads like the rollerbladers use to be very handy when you are doing this on the driveway! Should I still climb on the rope?
Ok, so just to recap for the home audience...you're slacklining...on a climbing rope...that might be streched a wee bit thin...over an asphalt driveway. Well, there's clearly no problems with that scenario, so let's just proceed to your question...climbing ropes, as we know, are dynamic...meaning that they are designed to stretch. You probably have some sort of fairly standard 60 meter, 10mm rope...which if you keep ahhhh, moderately stressing it with your car will soon be a 180 meter length of 3.33mm uber-floss. Damn, yo, Dave Graham is totally going to try to buy that off you on eBay. Umm, anyway...
All ropes are rated by the UIAA...who have PhDs...from MIT...and are down with OPP. In addition to the standard Number of Falls test, and currently under-development Sharp Edge test, there is a little-known third UIAA certification...the Really Dumb Idea test. If you are contemplating a really really asinine usage, be sure to check that your rope has been thoroughly evaluated in a quasi-scientific laboratory setting..with...instruments and tools and such like that. I generally prefer the Bleu Watter 9.4 Broken-Down Car Tower and the Mamoot 10.2 Jagged Metal Object Hoister...but that's just my personal bias. Not knowing much about your particular rope, I can't say if it's been Grossly Overstreched and Ready to Unravel Any Second tested, so you should probably go buy another one.
After all, safety first...
AlLEEz. Homard.
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jercech
Jul 22, 2005, 5:08 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: I thought i might try slacklining so I took my rope and tied one end to my honda and the other to the tree. I felt like I pulled the alignment so I turned the car around and ran the rope under the car to the bumper and tried pulling the other way. It seemed to work, but I was driving home from work and started thinking about the rope. Should I be worried about using it to climb on? It seems to be getting weaker because after trying for a while I keep having to back the car up to get it tighter, though this doesn't happen so much anymore. And, I found wristpads like the rollerbladers use to be very handy when you are doing this on the driveway! Should I still climb on the rope? Ok, so just to recap for the home audience...you're slacklining...on a climbing rope...that might be streched a wee bit thin...over an asphalt driveway. Well, there's clearly no problems with that scenario, so let's just proceed to your question...climbing ropes, as we know, are dynamic...meaning that they are designed to stretch. You probably have some sort of fairly standard 60 meter, 10mm rope...which if you keep ahhhh, moderately stressing it with your car will soon be a 180 meter length of 3.33mm uber-floss. Damn, yo, Dave Graham is totally going to try to buy that off you on eBay. Umm, anyway... All ropes are rated by the UIAA...who have PhDs...from MIT...and are down with OPP. In addition to the standard Number of Falls test, and currently under-development Sharp Edge test, there is a little-known third UIAA certification...the Really Dumb Idea test. If you are contemplating a really really asinine usage, be sure to check that your rope has been thoroughly evaluated in a quasi-scientific laboratory setting..with...instruments and tools and such like that. I generally prefer the Bleu Watter 9.4 Broken-Down Car Tower and the Mamoot 10.2 Jagged Metal Object Hoister...but that's just my personal bias. Not knowing much about your particular rope, I can't say if it's been Grossly Overstreched and Ready to Unravel Any Second tested, so you should probably go buy another one. After all, safety first... Al LEEz. Homard.
I'd like to point out a noob mistake here (no offense) when performing rope stretching. Believe me, rope stretching is an advanced technique so be sure to seek qualified instruction.
When stretching a rope to the point of plastic deformation it is the VOLUME of the rope that is conserved. So tripling the length of a rope from 60 to 180 meters will cause a corresponding decrease in the AREA of the rope, from 78mm^2 to 26.2mm^2 for a 10mm rope. An area of 26.2mm^2 calcs out to a comfortable 5.8mm diameter, and you know that hard core alpinists like Mark Twight have been gettin' their stoke on 6mm cords for years.
I've found that I've had to over-stretch some of my ropes about 7% to get the desired permanent stretch to set in real good. I've also had good luck using the microwave to soften the core of the rope before stretching.
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justineus
Jul 22, 2005, 5:22 PM
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Wait... was that, um, actual facts about climbing...?? I thought that was taboo in this forum...
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subtle
Jul 22, 2005, 6:30 PM
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In reply to: So here is my problem. I am a trad climber, stuffed full of ham sandwiches and loaded with the newest and greatest cams and ball nutz. I even have a trad chick to carry my gear to and from the 5.4- project I have been working on for the past 3 years. It seems that trad climbing is getting old and boring for me. I wish to diversify and get into bouldering. Is there anyway that I will be able to morph my fat trad ass (5'4" 250lbs) to become a uber rad boulderer sending the cutting edge V0+ projects?
Shhhhhhh! Don't you know that Trad climbing is like The Mafia...and those guys in the movie The Firm...and The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers...once you join up, brah, you never get out alive. They'll hunt you down like the Formerly Mighty Morphin', Cam Placin' dog that you are...there's only one chance...
The Witness (The Fitness) Protection Program.
The WTF Protection Program is, like uber-secret...so all of you other people can't see what I'm about to tell jumpingrock...I dunno, maybe go re-read that last guy's post where he's all "Oooh, let me tell you all about rope stretch"...sheesh, the nerve of some people...posting facts in my thread...we don't need no stinkin' facts.
Ok, so here's the straight dope. Your life is probably in danger and we don't have much time. A team of 16 year old boulderers has been dispatched to your location in a 1974 Westafalia Van. They're driving as fast as they can...about 54mph...so it may take them a while to get there. Use that time to destroy all evidence of your trad climbing existence, including your $18,000 volkswagen-sized rack. We'd suggest not posting it on eBay with the title "Going into Hiding Sale"...just a thought. When the team arrives, you can help push the van to the nearest gas station. After a round of 64oz slurpees and some slim-jims, you will be taken to a secure location that may or may not be my parent's basement. You will be issued with a crashpad, some V10 slippers, a giant chalk pot and 2 dozen beanies. A complete set of boulderer ID...an ABS Comp card, a drivers learner permit and a Whole Foods Tofu Club Card...in your new name...Gaston Le Slopierre.
Remember that you are now a boulderer...and have to act like one. Any small slip-up like fondling the tricams at the gym gear shop or...talking to a girl...will instantly blow your cover. Good luck, brah.
You're going to need it...Gaston.
AlLEEz. Homard.
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subtle
Jul 25, 2005, 7:17 PM
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In reply to: Dear Noob...Me and a friend of mine just sent this awesome 5.4 with a 5.5 crux multipitch at lovers leap...and we left my nut up there somewhere...now heres my dillema...should i have free soloed it to get to it....waited for the next group to bring it up to me ...or do a tripple back spin of the edge removing the nut with my pinkie in flight and l;anding on my last belay anchor... What is the right way to retrieve that valuable piece of gear even though i already have 17 more of those #13 nuts??? :?: :idea:
Returning to my brand spankin' new copy of Mountaineering - Freedom of the Hills that I bought to learn what an...anchor...was, I see that there are about 904,482,821 different useful things that you can do with a rope, some carabiners and a belay device to safely ascend or descend in virtually any situation. The truly elite climbers, however, realize that the epitome of dope pimp rope handling virtuosity lies in taking your simple, bombproof set-up and somehow transforming it onto a giant seething gordian knot of spectra slings, 9.1mm rope, about 386 assorted carabiners, a couple of sticks and pinecones, a copy of The Portable Cliff-Notes Mountaneering - Freedom of The Hills for Dummies and...more likely than not...one or more of their limbs that kinda got sucked into the mix and is now turning a lovely shade of purple. As a more or less NOOBish individual, you may be tempted to question your partner's choice of rigging technique...this scholarly interrogatory usually taking the form of some screaming, a little crying, and...not infrequently...some invocation of the deity of your choice.
Fear not, all is going according to plan.
Your partner will now dazzle you with an array of ropy Rubik's Cube-esque manipulations that would make any carnival side-show prestidigitator proud. There will be much clipping, unclipping, girth hitching the prusik to the munter hitch clove hitch, and random ominous twanging and pinging sounds. This will allow you plenty of time to take a look around and enjoy the beautiful weather, the sights and sounds of nature...and spot your landing on the jagged talus about 900 feet below you. Six or seven hours later...just as your negotiations with the devil over trading your soul for a trip back to the ground are really getting going...miracle of miracles...somehow you look up and see...a perfectly constructed anchor. Rap on, my brother! After you've spent a quality hour or so kissing the ground and sobbing hysterically, your partner will nonchallantly stroll over and explain "Sorry about that, one of the slings on your anchor was a little twisted...so I had to change it around a little..."
So, ummm, what's the best way to retrieve gear? Be a boulderer...chalk is cheap.
AlLEEz. Homard.
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aikibujin
Jul 25, 2005, 7:57 PM
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In reply to: Al LEEz. Homard.
I noticed an unsettling trend in this normally randomized words. Is there some sort of hidden message embedded in this? Did you forsake your bouldering broham and got yourself a hot girlfriend called "Lee"?
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subtle
Jul 25, 2005, 9:38 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: Al LEEz. Homard. I noticed an unsettling trend in this normally randomized words. Is there some sort of hidden message embedded in this? Did you forsake your bouldering broham and got yourself a hot girlfriend called "Lee"?
Well...it's in bold capital letters...so it's not exactly that hidden, but it is a message all the same. My longtime climbing partner Lee has recently left New England for graduate school in a faraway alpine paradise. Astute readers of Ask The NOOB will note the occasional reference to her here and there, mostly calling me a "Little Beeyotch" or campusing my projects. The modified signature is my small way of paying tribute to the best climbing partner I've ever had...or ever will have. That's all.
AlLEEz. Homard.
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dirtineye
Jul 25, 2005, 9:51 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: Al LEEz. Homard. I noticed an unsettling trend in this normally randomized words. Is there some sort of hidden message embedded in this? Did you forsake your bouldering broham and got yourself a hot girlfriend called "Lee"? Well...it's in bold capital letters...so it's not exactly that hidden, but it is a message all the same. My longtime climbing partner Lee has recently left New England for graduate school in a faraway alpine paradise. Astute readers of Ask The NOOB will note the occasional reference to her here and there, mostly calling me a "Little Beeyotch" or campusing my projects. The modified signature is my small way of paying tribute to the best climbing partner I've ever had...or ever will have. That's all. Al LEEz. Homard.
Dear N00b,
You mean... You... actually CLIMB?
And, even more astonishing, you have TOUCHED A REAL LIVE GIRL????
This changes everything. For all we know, you do not even live on your parent's couch. It would seem that there is a hint of a notion that you have been scandalously mis-representing yourself to young, impressionable, N00b wanna-be-boulderers all over the world, who hung on your every word, idolized you, and even used you as a role model.
I'm contacting Woodward and Bernstein immediately.
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subtle
Jul 26, 2005, 1:13 AM
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In reply to: Dear N00b, You mean... You... actually CLIMB?
That really depends on how exactly you define 'climb'. I am, usually, the weakest member of whatever motley group has assembled itself at the crag or les blocs. Surprise, no? They're motely...but some of them are strong. A couple are really strong. I tend to get on the proj du jour, though...with some fairly humourous consequences. I have pictures of me on a V13...special hyper-fast film was used to capture the .004 milliseconds that I was actually off the ground. They're...breathtaking, I tell you. There is video of me on a 5.13b at Rumney...and by 'on' I mean...on the ground, or hanging on the rope. I once had to be...extracted...I guess is the right word...from a double foot jam that was probably going to break both my legs when I fell. I once did something like 500-1000 repetitions on a problem that I never actually finished...and still haven't.
I'm not good. Oh no, not at all.
If you guys keep asking me questions about me, I'm going to charge you for a copy of I, NOOB - A Subtle Rad Memoir. It's like $199.99, and it's actually a slightly used edition of Mountaineering - Freedom of The Hills with a different cover pasted on...so you've been warned.
AlLEEz. No photos, please. Homard.
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jumpingrock
Jul 26, 2005, 3:04 AM
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I fear your warning has come too late. Already I hear them, the whispers. The clinking of far away hexes. The slow steady knawing on ham sandwiches. They are watching me. Waiting for me.
How did it come to this? How did it go this far? It was just so easy, the ham sandwichs, the shiney gear, so easy to fall. The first climb was free, then I had to pay. And pay dearly it seems.
I can't go back. Their's is an evil and dark world. I won't go back! I will NEVER join them again! Within me is freeedom! The freedom to wear a goddamn beanie whenever I want.
I hear them again. Closer this time. The whispering has taken on an edge of malice. They know I'm in here. They can smell the fear, the sweat dripping from my obese nose. The knock at the door, polite at first, then tinged with urgency, quickly changes to hammering. They want in. They want blood. My blood.
It will end here. I know it will. Let this be a warning. Let my death have meaning.
THEY'RE AFTER ME! NO! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!
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aikibujin
Jul 26, 2005, 12:08 PM
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In reply to: The modified signature is my small way of paying tribute to the best climbing partner I've ever had...or ever will have. That's all. Al LEEz. Homard.
I totally feel ya, my broham. My climbing partner, who has been taking roadtrips with me every single weekend since we met, is moving back to Australia in October. Once she's gone, who's going to set up a toprope on the 5.7 bolted testpiece for me? Or lead the runout crux pitch on the multipitch classic Whimpering Little Boy? Or send my V1 proj wearing a skirt and sandals? I may have to give up my fake French accent and ham sandwitches, and go back to my boulderer's ways.
Seneca, Red Rocks, RRG, NRG, Gunks, Squamish, Skaha.
To the best climbing partner I will ever have.
Evil. Moose.
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subtle
Jul 26, 2005, 1:28 PM
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In reply to: I was totally on the first move of my lie-down-start proj and I greased off coz like I thought: what if I have the WRONG PAD? I fully cannot get in the sending zone if i haven't got this pad question wired. I think I should get the new uber pad that has like fully been blessed by Sharma & some buddhist dudes with fully sick hats, but I don't know how many to get, would three be enough or would my bro's just laugh at me for not being rad enough?
This is, thankfully, not as big a deal as it used to be. Back in the day, before John Sherman invented 'the bouldering briefcase', you'd see all sorts of great safety advice like: "Put a backpack or a folded sweatshirt over that spine shattering knife-edge talus directly under the landing below the crux move...if you're an effeminate siss-bag...jeeze...sack up, nancy boy!...what are you, a sport climber?"
Ahhh, the good old days, no?
As you correctly point out, nowadays the primary considerations are aesthetic...and spiritual, natch. Is the leopard print fabric on my phatty VooDood going to match my eyes...and my aura? Will a 6" thick pad block the raidiant chi-energy from our earth-mother and, like, totally bunge up my send? What's a sensitive new-age broham to do?
Rumor has it, there is a new uber-pad currently under development in a top-secret ashram near Nanga Pimpindu...all of the R&D monks have taken a vow of silence, but via a combination of arcane sign language and...errrr, AOL Instant Messenger...I have some of the details. It's 15 feet x 25 feet, and is about 12" thick...because even though boulderers will gladly carry/drag a 95lb pad on a 3 hour approach to the proj, they're far too lazy to actually re-adjust the thing when someone is actually climbing above it. It has a layer of closed cell foam over a sandwich of open cell foam, old Phish t-shirts, patchouli oil, organic tofu and CliffBar wrappers. The fabric cover is 100% recycled post-consumer fiber, with a picture of Chris Sharma spotting the Dali Llama silkscreened in the center. Around that is embroidered an ancient crimp strength prayer in Aramaic, a Tibetan chant for safety in falling, the Chinese characters for Power, Strength, Allez Homard, and This Product Totally Not Manufactured in a Sweatshop by 12 Year Olds...As Far As You Know. Expected retail price is 47 Yaks, which given the strong Yak/US dollar exchange rate seems quite reasonable.
AlLEEz. I've got mine pre-ordered. Homard.
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organic
Jul 26, 2005, 1:44 PM
Post #494 of 977
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Dear n00b,
I know this hot chick at the crag and I want to put my key in the ignition, if you know what I mean! Anyways she climbs like 5.12 and I climb about 5.8 but I climb runout 5.8! So how do I go about letting her know I want to play hide the sausage? Think she will dig me even though I only climb runout 5.8?
THANKS!
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bhersh
Jul 26, 2005, 6:36 PM
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n00b-
I'm curious to obtain insight into the niche climbing group that exists between sport and trad - sport climbing photographers. As a bizarre mix between actual climbing and I would expect (from my extensive n00b studies) that large legs, tightly wrapped in lycra pants which are in turn stuffed with ham sandwiches would be the likely outcome. However, my experience with sport photogs has revealed a strong attraction to tacos. What gives?
With you wide reaching couch capabilities, please help all of us fully understand the climbing photographer so we can exploit them for our own glorification.
Go Lizzard,
B
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subtle
Jul 27, 2005, 2:34 PM
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I will be away for a few days, scouting locations for a new big-budget climbing epic to be shot entirely in the secret boulder fields of downtown Houston. The working title is Sloper Slapper XIV - Cowboy Crimp Commandos. Expect no new replies until next monday, but feel free to continue posting questions...I'll get caught up when I return.
AlLEEz. Homard.
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rock_ninja
Jul 27, 2005, 6:02 PM
Post #497 of 977
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OK, NOOb.
I have been climbing for a little less than a year now, and I can't seem to progress past 5.9 to truly send 5.10. When I start getting really rad, I injure something stupid. I'm worried that this is because I'm a vegetarian and have not eaten ham sandwiches. How can I stay true to my elitist vegetarian ways but still climb like a carnivore?
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brokenarmboy19
Jul 30, 2005, 5:01 PM
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n00bs toes meet Mr. Sledgehammer
Mr. sledgehammer n00B's toes
In reply to: OK, NOOb. I have been climbing for a little less than a year now, and I can't seem to progress past 5.9 to truly send 5.10. When I start getting really rad, I injure something stupid. I'm worried that this is because I'm a vegetarian and have not eaten ham sandwiches. How can I stay true to my elitist vegetarian ways but still climb like a carnivore?
check a few pages back n00bie boy already answered this query
:deadhorse:
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e_free
Jul 31, 2005, 11:41 AM
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Dearest n00b,
I fell down iceskating in March and broke my wrist which is now held together by a screw. Well, the doc said I can climb now, so to test out my arm in a "safe environment" I top roped at a gym with the same guy who was with me when I broke my arm. He outweighs me by around 60 pounds & doesn't know how to belay. The gym owner gave him something called a grigri and told me not to worry about it. Anyway, he fell quite a few times and I had clipped myself to the ground chain anchor thingy, and then him to me, and thus I aquired these interesting bruises :shock: here, here, and here.
This has never happened to me before because I usually climb with dave1, who pretty much never falls. I noticed that Dave eats lots of ham and samwiches, but my new partner gets weird stuff from subway or doesn't eat at all. Should I be concerned, or is this just a coincidence?
On my end, do belay bruises qualify me as an actual climber, post-op? If so, on the weekends I can't climb, can I just apply make-up as bruises, crimp a doorjam, and call it good? If not, how do I know when I'm "really back?"
Thanks for everything!!! :)
with all kinds of affection,
e_free
p.s. i made you a ham samwich! :wink:
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davidorchard
Jul 31, 2005, 2:10 PM
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dear subtle,
e_free has some valid concerns about bruises. what
is the maximum weight difference
a partner can climb with without bruising? where does the term
hottie come from? i am sorry this
and all the other messages i have been
making are so jumbled and disordered. do
you think i might be having some reaction to the
ham in the
sandwiches i have been making every day
and eating in front of all my friends
showing them what a hard core traddie i am. when
you boulder, do you ever get your
body slammed to the ground when you fall? i think some
parts of climbing are scary. any advice?
you are so lucky,
dave
PS this message is encrypted. to decipher, just read the first word in each line of the paragraph.
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wendella
Jul 31, 2005, 11:28 PM
Post #501 of 977
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n00b, do e_free and dave reveal the truth?
will bruises on my ass help me be hot? what do
you think? I often
have other bodily injuries as well. does this improve
my chances of attracting a soul mate? also, should
children under ten belay adults over eighty?
p.s. same encryption algorithm as above.
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subtle
Aug 1, 2005, 8:58 PM
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In reply to: How can I stay true to my elitist vegetarian ways but still climb like a carnivore?
I suppose the solution to this seemingly un-answerable riddle wrapped in an enigma depends heavily on why you are a vegetarian. As I am the sort of person that wishes there were bacon flavored popsicles, I am going to have to engage in a little creative visualization...and some...err, factual obfuscation...but don't worry, it'll all work out in the end.
If you are a vegetarian because you dig foods that are all happy and free range and cruelty free...well...climbing might not be for you. You average half-ass serious gym rat suffers waaaaay more than a filet mignon during the course of a training session. Size 4 gangrene-inducing shoes...tendon strains and pulley blowouts...giant whippers into the wall or head-first falls onto the floor...getting kicked in the face spotting...tearing bleeding chunks out of your tips on a mad sick proj...granted, I never do any of this stuff...but it sure looks crazy. Damn, yo, I'll be over there by the soda machine...
If you are a vegetarian because you don't want to pollute the sanctity of the temple that is your body with artificial hormones, toxins and other assorted chemical nasties...then there's hope. We just need to find you the vegetable analog of the Ham Sandie...and...that is...clearly...Deep fried peanut butter & bananna sandwiches. I mean, they killed Elvis, so they're obviously pretty damn potent...you might want to start off with, like half a sandwich and build up a tolerance. Good luck, and get your lacto-ovo send on.
AlLEEz. Mmmmm, swinesicles... Homard.
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woodcraft
Aug 2, 2005, 4:51 AM
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Dear Mr. NOOB:
I hung a bomber hex from my rearview mirror so the ladies would know I'm a real climber, but now the windshield is broken. What would a real climber do?
Thank you for helping with my question- I really respect you.
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rasken
Aug 2, 2005, 6:51 AM
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Oh nOObi-Wan, hear me!
I am worried. Since I am stuck here reading 30-something pages of your inane.. pardon, excellent.. advice on how to get my radgeish send on, I have no time left to actually go out and do so. My muscles are quickly fading away into oblivion (not that there was much to begin with).
So I wonder two things:
One: How can can I keep up to date with the latest nOOb news during the hour I can actually climb without being scared out my mind, tired as a really really tired guy, or both?
Two: How in [Deity of your choice]'s name do you get women to post pictures of their butts in your thread??
Today's bonus philosophical question:
When I toprope a route with a hideous traverse section that's way out of my league, and I (of course) fail miserably, peel, and smack with a great big swing into the corner wall 15 feet away, is it me smacking into the wall or the wall smacking me for being a stupid Swede with barely enough sense to know what toilet paper should be used for?
Oh, and just to make sure I pass the nOOb Inc. linguistic post screening: pimp steezos gumb uber ham sandwich Sharma
/rasken
"Here honey, for your birthday I got you the two sizes of stoppers that I.. err, you.. needed to double up on.
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subtle
Aug 2, 2005, 2:13 PM
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In reply to: On my end, do belay bruises qualify me as an actual climber, post-op? p.s. i made you a ham samwich! :wink:
Hmmm, let's see...I'd have to say no, simply because you weren't climbing at the time of injury. I have, however, forwarded your case to the review board and I have every confidence that you will be awarded the coveted...dare I say sought-after...Belayer Purple Heart. The Belayer Purple Heart is the ultimate badge of honor, letting sketchy climbing partners far and wide know that...regardless of whatever stupid move they pull...whatever ropetastic confustication or ill-concieved dyno-thrutch explode-a-rama...you will save them from themselves, the ground, and other assorted nasty outcomes. Although the nearly Darwinially deceased will probably not acknowledge your sainthood...or even buy you a beer, for that matter...know that the crag cognoscenti appreciate your...umm...derriere sacrifice?
Man, that sounds way wrong.
AlLEEz. Thank you for the Ham Sandwich. Homard.
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booger
Aug 2, 2005, 3:04 PM
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Dear NOOB,
Hopefully you remember me; I'm the girl you advised about the gesticulating, spaghetti-throwing, sand-kicking, Armani-wearing Italian climbing partner. Well, so far he's only dropped me once (when a crag-bunny walked by and he said MAMA MIA... with both hands). But I have a new dilemma, and this one is more... historically problematic.
This past week I rounded up my partner, somehow squeezed all 6 of his Armani suits and their matching Italian leather boots into my car, and headed to Fontainebleau for the afternoon. I even brought along a little tub of spaghetti and some vino in case he got hungry or thirsty waving his hands around pointing to toe-holds, or kicking sand into Frenchie picnic pate. Yet when I needed him the most- while I was dangling from 2 enormous holds on this four foot highball ankle-breaker, he left me to go spot some Germans.
Noob, any advice on how we can keep the Italians on our side of the boulder?
I was neutral until this happened.
Taz
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subtle
Aug 2, 2005, 3:15 PM
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In reply to: n00b, do e_free and dave reveal the truth? will bruises on my ass help me be hot? what do you think? I often have other bodily injuries as well. does this improve my chances of attracting a soul mate? also, should children under ten belay adults over eighty? p.s. same encryption algorithm as above.
Let's see, apply the old decoder ring and...egad.
Aside from the fact that I'm not entirely clear how baby making actually works...I mean...I'm very well read...but y'know...ahh, this might not be the best idea. Do you really want a flock of mini-Subtles running around the house? Begging for Prana ninja-diapers...outgrowing their beanies every month or so...using the can of dry powdered formula to chalk up for their V2- proj Crib Crimper?
AlLEEz. That's scarier than Blair Witch Alien Exorcist. Homard.
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davidorchard
Aug 3, 2005, 3:08 AM
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dear subtle,
are you sure you reviewed wendella's post completely? I think
you might have missed the bruises on my ass link. that picture made me very
gay. (as in happy)
your humble and confused subject
dave
(encrypted message)
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jumpingrock
Aug 3, 2005, 2:26 PM
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Dear Mr. Noob,
After being forcably returned to my trad climbing ways, I must as you these most important of questions. 1) Do you also find those so called "encrypted" messages annoying? 2) I have heard about these new fandangled devices called double ropes, and I was wondering what use they are. Close as I can figure one is used to haul up the bag of ham sandwiches and the other to haul up my fat partner. Any other uses? 3) I currently carry twelve 60 m rop... I mean quickdraws to extend my trad placements. Do you think this is excesive? Should I carry fewer? Or more? I tend to find myself placing 18 pieces a pitch so having to use my backup 50m quickdraws... is this a good thing or will I die?
(That was alot of questions. I apologize in advance for making your head hurt... wait that's not advance. nm.)
Yours Truly,
Long slings in Ontario.
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badclimber
Aug 3, 2005, 6:47 PM
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O' wisest and most n00bian,
The majority of my training for climbing consists of reading RC.com. This has unfortunately kept my actual climbing technique from improving. At all. So far I have encountered numerous threads in which people say that women have better technique than men. They can't be wrong because they have thousands of posts. Anyway, this got me thinking: Will my climbing technique improve if I have a sex change operation?
Eagerly awaiting Your words of wisdom. With a scalpel in hand because my HMO won't cover it. I'll do it if You say so...
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match
Aug 5, 2005, 3:06 AM
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dear n00b...
So i was cranking hard on my v0 proj for like 2 months then all of a sudden end of semester.. woah, now im living at my parents house on a couch in calgary, with no boulders only these weird mountains..
so i started following all these trad climbers. i think trad means climb like higher i guess..
but in any case i lead my first trad pitch the other day, well almost i got scared and down climbed. But since then i have talked to two girls and almost got with them...
is that because of this trad climbing? and if i actually lead a full pitch will i have a chance of ever kissing a girl?
i'm so ready to trade in my beanie and big bag of chalk for ham sandmiches if i have to..
Thanks n00b, and if this has been covered already..
feel free to :deadhorse:
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subtle
Aug 5, 2005, 12:56 PM
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In reply to: I hung a bomber hex from my rearview mirror so the ladies would know I'm a real climber, but now the windshield is broken. What would a real climber do?
Awwww, c'mon brah, that's an easy one.
If you are, as you claim, a real climber...then you are obviously driving a 1975-ish Westfalia Van with the integral micro-fridge and pop-up camping top that usually collapses in the middle of the night for no particular reason. Although I have seen some examples that still looked factory fresh and were sparklingly clean, I'm willing to bet my net worth...all $42.87 of it...that yours is errrr, not one of those. The warm and comfy nest of gear bags, ropes, Clif Bar wrappers, empty nalgene bottles, back isses of Urban Pimper, used tape balls and other...un-identifiable items...will totally be enhanced by the soft prismatic glow of the morning crag sunshine streaming through the shattered fractally goodness of your...multi-pane...ventillated...somewhat rain-stopping...technical windshield. Rad, bro!
Plus, any real climber would be hard-core dirtbagging it, and that $200 for a new windshield would add at least ninteen months to your never-ending road trip on the Hueco-Bishop-New-Red-SoIll-Rumney-Squamish-Yos World Tour 2002-2014. Heck, you could live on $200 for eight...nah eighteen...years in El Potrero, brah.
AlLEEz. Does ArcTeryx make air fresheners? Homard.
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subtle
Aug 11, 2005, 12:33 PM
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Interesting news...Ask The NOOB will be relocating our corporate headquarters from sunny New England to...ahhh...extremely hot Houston, Texas. Ummm...rad?
Regrettably, my somewhat tardy post response of late will probably get worse before it gets any better...at least for a week or two. I do apologize for the inconvenience. Please feel free to continue to post questions, and I shall work my way through them as best I can.
AlLEEz. Does Prana make cowboy hats? Homard.
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booger
Aug 11, 2005, 1:33 PM
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Wish your parents luck with the move... I sure hope they remember your couch! :wink:
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crossfit2
Aug 11, 2005, 2:14 PM
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Dear Ask the Noob,
I will be in Houston next week on business. Is it true that Texas climbers foresake the traditional ham sandwhich for Underwood's deviled ham spread on Texas Toast? I need to know this so I can fit in.
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crossfit2
Aug 11, 2005, 2:34 PM
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also if i could spell sandwich the right way it would give me much more cred. dont you think?
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subtle
Aug 11, 2005, 2:50 PM
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In reply to: Wish your parents luck with the move... I sure hope they remember your couch! :wink:
Oh, there's no way they'd leave the couch...since I am more or less attached to it...at all times. Although that could lead to an amusing NOOB Home Alone movie, where I wake up to realize my family has left me...then eat a bunch of ice cream and watch AutoRoute all day...then go hike my V2- proj at Lincoln Woods...then get chased by bungling criminals and have many wacky adventures. Rad, yo.
It's kind of sad boxing up all my New England climbing stuff. My 20 rolls of finger tape from those hideous Lincoln Woods razor blade crimpers. The giant piece of choss I pulled off a route at Rumney and hit myself in the face with...somewhat spoiling my onsight attempt. A economy gallon-sized jug of 100% DEET for the canary-sized mosquitos at Pawtuckaway.
Good times, good times.
I hear there's some climbing in Hueco Tanks, though.
AlLEEz. Homard.
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skinnyclimber
Aug 11, 2005, 5:31 PM
Post #518 of 977
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Dear Mr. the nOOb
The other day I was sport climbing and I was about to peel of of the two huge jugs that I was holding to stay on my ultra-low-angle 5.2 project. Well instead of screaming like a girl and taking the huge 2.46 foot whipper, I managed to bite the wall with my teeth and just barely hang on. Of course a few chips came off but hey I almost sent the first crux!!
My issue is this. Is using my teeth aid climbing? How about now that I have fake teeth? Should this route be rated 5.2 AT. "T" denoting that teeth were used to aid the crux?
And while we're on the subject, who's your favorite female pop singer?
Skinny (You're laughing with me right)
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esoteric1
Aug 11, 2005, 5:54 PM
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hey noob!
I havent read this whole thread so forgive me if this question has already been answered....and no i havent done a search either.
heres my question, when your out in the woods....what do you wipe with? Im aware of several techniques, but most of them include leaving one of your socks or your underwear for other people to gawk at while they walk by...or belay next to.
please help me as im sick of walking out of climbing areas with one sock, after a hard climb....
thanks for your help!
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moose_droppings
Aug 11, 2005, 6:59 PM
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His NOOBness,
I was born destined to be a climber with a sloper forehead, crimpers feet and choss genitals With all this going for me what color of harnees do i buy to become the bestess ever tradaider. I will not start with anything lower than a v5.19z. I know i will like hammy sands because my mommy told me she got "porked" the nite of my conception, Hope they have hammy sands at the vending machines at the craigger Please note that I've already told everyone how great I will be when i get to the craig, so take this factor into account and I practice flossing my choss everyday.
destinys beeacth child
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cheekemonkey
Aug 11, 2005, 7:47 PM
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Dear Noobian,
Sorry to hear of your move from what sounds like a decent climbing area to swampland. The DEET will come in handy for the biblical swarms of mosquitoes they have in Texas.
So, I am the wife of the addicted husband who decided to stop the fight against the Noob and "buy in". Aside from the fact I was imposing on my husband's Noob time, so he started an account for me. By chance I had actually read the very first post you had made. My question is- do you still have those autographed photos? Seeing as though you are moving and going through junk, I mean treasured items, thought you might have a few to unload. Well, two to be exact...one high school pic for the stalker husband and a mugshot for my advancing technique of voodoo. (The crayon version would have been preferred, but I didn't want competition for the kids).
Sincerely,
the new addition to this Sartre-like forum
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crimpergirl
Aug 11, 2005, 8:34 PM
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Ask the Noob:
Hueco to Houston is only a 12 hour drive. Sweeeeeet.
crimper-used to live in houston-girl
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justineus
Aug 12, 2005, 6:12 PM
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Dude I heard Texans carry handguns on their gear slings...
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subtle
Aug 15, 2005, 12:36 PM
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In reply to: I will be in Houston next week on business. Is it true that Texas climbers foresake the traditional ham sandwhich for Underwood's deviled ham spread on Texas Toast? I need to know this so I can fit in.
Well, fitting in is pretty important, especially in a non-conformist individualistic sport. I really can't help you at this point, since I have yet to move to Houston myself and haven't absorbed the local beta. From what I've gleaned from my several trips through the Houston and Dallas airports, however, I can present this basic tutorial:
The beanies are way different down there...they have a large brim, are made of straw or felt, and are measured by how many gallons of something...presumably chalk..they can hold. It is considered polite to tip your beanie at women, and to remove it occasionally and shout 'Whoooeee!'...I have no idea why...
Everywhere you look are shirts that say "Things are Bigger in Texas". I am hoping that in addition to egos, car sizes and strip malls...this also applies to crimpers, foot jibs and tweaker finger pockets of all shapes and sizes. If not...well...I guess I can always get a bigger beanie for...errr, easier tipping?
AlLEEz. Howdy Ma'am. Homard.
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subtle
Aug 16, 2005, 3:09 PM
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In reply to: Dear Noobian, By chance I had actually read the very first post you had made. My question is- do you still have those autographed photos? Seeing as though you are moving and going through junk, I mean treasured items, thought you might have a few to unload. Well, two to be exact...one high school pic for the stalker husband and a mugshot for my advancing technique of voodoo.
Dear Cheekemonkey,
Regrettably, all of my 8x10 autographed glossy photos have been packed away by the Ask The NOOB staff in their special climate-controlled fire/bomb/spilled Diet Coke proof titanium storage modules for the trip to Houston...would be what I'd say if I had any of the above things, which I don't. I actually despise having my picture taken, which is why there are only a very few in existence...mostly slyly taken while I was monentarily attached to a rock and unable to flee without blowing my V0+ onsight.
Since you were nice...or errm, insane...enough to ask, though, I will try to forward along one of the following from my trip. Please indicate your preference:
(_) Bleary self-portrait taken while driving. Note 3 day stubble and closed eyes for Jedi Mind Control driving practice.
(_) Traffic ticket camera shot. Honestly, this one totally isn't me, officer.
(_) Panoramic shot of me next to local landmark, possibly...but not limited to...Largest Ball of Twine, Largest Cow Chip, Largest Speeding Ticket.
I will probably be in transit for a week or so, depending on how much jail time you get for being pulled over...in a big hurry...with 20lbs of a white chalky substance...and a suspiciously large number of beanies in your trunk...in Louisiana, so I may not be responding for a while. As always, feel free to post questions, and I'll get caught up as best I can while on work release detail.
AlLEEz. Homard.
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cheekemonkey
Aug 26, 2005, 3:03 AM
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I choose the panoramic...scratch-n-sniff if possible.
Anyway, so all these NOOB questions you answer are they to be applicable to both males and females? Most of the time it seems to me that you are giving a male dominated kind of answer. I know I am quite a noob myself but I would like to think that there is a feminine way of things. Kind of like when I have climbed and a guy tries to give beta it's just crap, but when a chick gives me beta it seems more logical and I send. Just a lingering thought.
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subtle
Aug 27, 2005, 11:51 PM
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In reply to: Anyway, so all these NOOB questions you answer are they to be applicable to both males and females? Most of the time it seems to me that you are giving a male dominated kind of answer. I know I am quite a noob myself but I would like to think that there is a feminine way of things. Kind of like when I have climbed and a guy tries to give beta it's just crap, but when a chick gives me beta it seems more logical and I send. Just a lingering thought.
Postmodern deconstructionist literary theory suggests that each and every narrator has both obvious and...dare I say subtle...biases that become embedded in the text. This, of course presupposes that you are dealing with a reliable narrator...and would I be one of those? Well, I wouldn't bet my last ham sandy on it, were I you.
Now, regarding your question, I probably do tend to respond with a predominantly masculine bais, mostly because I am...last I checked...a male...and also because I am frequently grappling with that veritable Gordian knot of climbing issues How can I get with hot climber chixx?!? So far, I have not solved this carnal Rubik's Cube, but when I do I shall proceed immediately to far easier problems like curing cancer and peace in the mideast.
I really don't think there is a 'guy' and 'girl' way of doing things. I know guys that climb like girls, girls that climb like guys, guys that like girls that like girls that climb like guys, and girls that don't like to climb like guys who like girls who like girls that climb like girls...all of whom climb harder than I do, in case you were wondering. Surprise, surprise.
Guy beta tends to be worthless to women, since "Just campus the next nine moves" isn't really beta. Girl beta tends to be useless to guys since they keep telling you to use something called 'technique'...I don't know what it is, but Prana doesn't seem to sell it...so it must not be cool, yo.
AlLEEz. I'm a Texan now. Homard.
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cintune
Aug 28, 2005, 12:39 AM
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Campusing the next nine moves is a technique.
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subtle
Aug 28, 2005, 7:37 PM
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In reply to: So I wonder two things: One: How can can I keep up to date with the latest nOOb news during the hour I can actually climb without being scared out my mind, tired as a really really tired guy, or both? Two: How in [Deity of your choice]'s name do you get women to post pictures of their butts in your thread??
I feel your pain, brah. I can't tell you how many times I've paused between the first and second bolt of some aggro 5.3- testpiece and felt...a stirring the The Force...as if millions of questions had been posted...and gone unanswered...
But no more. We here at Ask The NOOB are proud to announce our co-branding strategic alliance with MCI WorldCon and Enron Broadbanned that will stream real-time Ask The NOOB posts and replies straight to your PDA, wireless laptop or G4 enabled cell phone. Since even the most novice gym monkeys these days are hauling an iPod or other MP3 player up the route, it seemed a natural progression to add a Blackberry or Treo to the chalk bag, stuffed monkey, XM Radio reciever and Red Bull can coolie dangling off the back loops of your harness. Eventually you will hear conversations like this:
- So, she hucks off the sloper to that dish, then checks her gmail...
- She checked her gmail off that dish?
- Totally, brah.
- Dude, I couldn't do that. Maybe call my voicemail...but that's it.
- No doubt, yo. Peep this, she told me she posted a butt photo to The NOOB off that dish.
- While on route?
- Yea, is that sick or what?
- Dude, that's so diesel.
- I know. I love her.
- Me too.
Don't say I didn't warn you...
Oh, and regarding question #2...I have no idea. None whatsoever.
AlLEEz. You've got mail. Homard.
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jamming_man
Aug 29, 2005, 1:40 AM
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whats a be lay? Is it Like the missionary?
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elissa01
Aug 29, 2005, 3:00 AM
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hahaha, these are really funny, i havent read all of the 30-somethin pages but the ones i have read are funny haha. and hey, i know someone who works at MCI Worldcom.. and i didn't understand your last post.. there's no more Ask the nOOb anymore? :(
-liss
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squierbypetzl
Moderator
Aug 29, 2005, 3:35 AM
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Dear NOOB:
I did crack for the first time today. Ended up a complete mess and with plenty of white powder all over my face, shoulders, hands... So my question is this:
Since I can now toprope 5.9 trad with only 9 or 10 falls, should I indulge my natural urge to go out and "invest" my rent money on those #8-#10 metolius cams or on some of those micro alien thingys??
It also seems that these specific types of pro don´t get much use (or any at all) at my local crag... so should I bring along a hammer to chisel out placements or should I bring a drill? Will I then need to bring along an extension cord or will there be outlets at the anchors?
Right now I´m dirt poor; yep, I´m saving up to buy the plastic bag I´ll need to collect dew on the mountain, because water is so expensive and all. So I´m 2 steps away from being evicted and then probably deported out of my own country, and I´ll need a place to stay.
Could you lend me a corner under one of your rad pimpin´ projects,yo?
(Yeah TX!!!)
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subtle
Aug 31, 2005, 2:06 AM
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In reply to: i didn't understand your last post.. there's no more Ask the nOOb anymore? :(
As long as there are ridiculous ham-based queries to be contemplated and potentially injury...and lawsuit, natch...inspiring answers to be given, there will always be an Ask The NOOB. Until, that is, someone asks me an unanswerable question...
Anybody up for it?
AlLEEz. (Hint: we've done the whole how do I get hot chixx thing already...seriously) Homard.
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anson
Aug 31, 2005, 9:05 PM
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In reply to: there will always be an Ask The NOOB. Until, that is, someone asks me an unanswerable question... Anybody up for it?
Err...could you please prove Fermat's Last Theorem? Or perhaps reconcile quantum mechanics and relativity theory? But those questions are rather off-topic.
Here's a poser that has been bothering me for a while: people post pictures on RC.com of 'deep water soloing', but I never see any scuba gear. How do they hold their breath for long enough to send?
-aB
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rabbit1
Sep 1, 2005, 12:30 AM
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How far must you throw a quickdraw and have it stick to make a true "stick clip"? Are there rules as to how long it must stay stuck? I have been told five minutes is the standard. Also, this dude I know who claims to have soloed a 5.7d told me you aren't allowed to use any hair products. Is this true?
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subtle
Sep 1, 2005, 1:01 AM
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In reply to: Here's a poser that has been bothering me for a while: people post pictures on RC.com of 'deep water soloing', but I never see any scuba gear. How do they hold their breath for long enough to send?
It's times like this that I am thankful I do nothing but sit in my parent's basement and watch climbing movies all day, I tell you..because this is a question that's totally been holding back the course of human progress for some time now...but no more...
The secret, my dear girl...ummm, boy...errr, anson...is lung capacity. I know, I know you're saying to yourself...herself?...itself...that climbing isn't much of a cardiovascular endeavor, so how are you going to get the necessary stimulus to increase your vO2 Max and dominate the proj?
Yell training. You've got to get your scream on, brah.
Look at the facts. All of the top deep water soloists are sick hard boulderers with countless years of BZZZZAAAAT! and ARRRRRRRRGG! induced capillary dilation and uber-phatty red blood cell development. You think Klem Loskot endlessly screaming KAMAAAAAAN! DOOO EEET! KAMMMAAAAAN! at Chris Sharma in Dosage 2 was mere pimp-to-pimp encouragement?!? Hell no, holmes, he was training. Heck, Jason Kehl probably only breathes a couple of times a month, these days. Angered by their lack of sucess in a branch of the sport that would seem to reward neoprene and gauloise fetishes, it is rumored that the French have constructed a special aquarium-like training facility where they practice chipping and re-glueing pool tiles just in case the first aqua-ascentionist has not properly cleaned ze route.
Don't bang on the glass. It upsets them.
Allez. Homard.
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subtle
Sep 1, 2005, 11:45 PM
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In reply to: Also, this dude I know who claims to have soloed a 5.7d told me you aren't allowed to use any hair products. Is this true?
Pftttt, that's just pure hogwash. I once had a sick strong climbing partner...whom some of you might remember from Ask The Noob post #3...who once commented as I was lying crumpled on the ground beneath a V2- horrorshow testpiece:
Dude...if you had some mousse in your hair and some 5.10 Dragons, you'd totally have stuck that move.
Well, broham, a pair of Dragons will set you back about $150...if you could get a pair any more, which you can't, dammit...but a 64oz family sized can of super-volumizing ultra-hold 24-hour low-static control mousse will only cost you about $1.19 at the Job Lot down the block...maybe $1.13 if you get the dented, kinda rusty can from 1984. Slap that bad boy in your pack and you can foam up a crag full of frenchmen faster than you can say "Tabernac! My tresses...they are so leeemp! I cannot send! What ever shall I do?!?"
Not that you would say that...but you could...'cause you had....ummm, y'know...the mousse...to fix the whole problem. Oh, nevermind.
Allez. Does Metoolius make a nut tool with an integral comb? Homard.
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spydrman87
Sep 2, 2005, 10:58 PM
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i was thinking about climbing my local Mac Donald's. and i was wondering if you thought it was safe to rap off a stopper in the middle of the arches? and do you think i could flick it out when i am down?
thanx
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subtle
Sep 3, 2005, 12:12 AM
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In reply to: i was thinking about climbing my local Mac Donald's. and i was wondering if you thought it was safe to rap off a stopper in the middle of the arches? and do you think i could flick it out when i am down?
In theory, yes. In practice, though, on any sunny day you're going to have to contend with the hordes of turons sluggishly jugging their way up the South Buttress trade troute Big Crack and a Coke 5.7-. I'd personaly recommend the ultra-mega-classic Fillet of Pitch on the North arch...it is a much prouder line...I think it was on-sight soloed by John Bachar back in the day when hamburgers were actually made of...errr, meat. There are rumors that Tommy Caldwell and Beth Rodden are working an uber-sick proj on the radically overhanging left arete called Big Rack with Steeze...which they think goes at 5.14a...or hard 5.13b if you have the coupon from the Sunday paper.
Is rapping off a one point anchor...even a bomber nut placed in pristine bullet...umm, sign plastic...a good idea? Well, not really...but neither is eating there...and 97 Trillion people have done that, no?
Allez. 97 Trillion...that's a lot of fake meat, bro. Homard.
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euthanasia
Sep 3, 2005, 12:29 AM
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Dear noob,
There's a tree next to my house that I climbed and has to be at least 5.13a/ab+. I was just wondering if I could report my send to 8a.nu naming it Tree Route. I have video for proof if anyone doesn't believe me. The route is 100% natural and certified organic!! Only one small portion of the route has whittled holds.
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pixie_dust
Sep 4, 2005, 2:41 AM
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Inquiring women want to know....
Dear Noob:
I have to admit that I've been lurking for some time now and still don't get the ham sammy thing (although ham sammies aren't bad if you've got good deli mustard). But it does seem this is the place to ask about trad climbers of the male persuasion. I've worked my way up to 5.9s, taken every advantage on small belay ledges to press up against him and still he doesn't get it. Can you help?
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shanedms
Sep 4, 2005, 5:40 AM
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NOOB,
I'm basically your average trad hardass. If I weren't posting I'd probably be about three nautical miles runout on my 5.12d testpiece, headbutting poisonous rattelsnakes to death and clenching a machete between my teeth just cause I'm that bad.
Problem is, I have this problem. I just can't seem to keep my grip on a certain type of hold. Just one specific type. Topout jugs, rest buckets, slingable chickenheads, I'm fine. It's those damn small ones. They always get me.
It's not embarrasing, though, cause I'm sure I've got some sort of diagnosable Crimping Disability. With a bad case of CD, my 5.12 skillz only get me up the 5.8'z. Barely.
Since you're basically the ex post facto authority in the climbing community, can you assign me some sort of handicap? Please?
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ookami
Sep 4, 2005, 9:01 AM
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In reply to: You think Klem Loskot endlessly screaming KAMAAAAAAN! DOOO EEET! KAMMMAAAAAN! at Chris Sharma in Dosage 2 was mere pimp-to-pimp encouragement?!? Hell no, holmes, he was training.
That ladies and gentlemen is an instant classic!!
HUAAAAAAAAAHUAHAUAHUA....
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cracklover
Sep 6, 2005, 3:24 AM
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Dear n00b,
I'm a real honest to goodness trad climber. Been leading trad for five years, ham sammiches, the whole nine yards.
But sometimes I climb in the gym. And this weekend, I went to the gym, and something bad happened to me. Something so bad that it scared me enough to come to you for advice. :shock:
I was supposed to meet this girl at the gym, and she didn't show up, so I... oh god, I can't say it, the memories are still fresh...
Just realize - I didn't set out to do this - it just sort of happened, 'cause I was lonely and depressed. I just went through a really bad breakup, I had to move out of my apartment and everything, and then after getting stood up in the gym like that I... I just wasn't thinking clearly. I've never done *anything* like this before.
I just couldn't stop myself - I HAD TO DO IT!
I, I bouldered. In the gym. And I couldn't stop. I knew it was wrong and I just couldn't stop. I did all the V0s. Then I did all the V1s. Then I took my shirt off, and I did all the V2s. Finally, after getting a couple V3s, the addiction was sated. Feeling dirty and slightly disgusted with myself, I put my shirt on, and slunk home. But secretly, I felt kind of proud. And now there's a part of me that thinks that maybe what I did wasn't so bad, and maybe I could sneak off and boulder again without anyone seeing me. Maybe if I wear a little hat no-one will recognize me. Oh god, what's happening to me?!
G:cry:
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subtle
Sep 7, 2005, 3:50 AM
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In reply to: There's a tree next to my house that I climbed and has to be at least 5.13a/ab+. I was just wondering if I could report my send to 8a.nu naming it Tree Route. I have video for proof if anyone doesn't believe me. The route is 100% natural and certified organic!! Only one small portion of the route has whittled holds.
Ahhh, there's all sorts of problems with this one, bro.
Ok, so you post up your FA of Tree Route 5.13a/b...and what happens? Some dude from...like...Nebraska or something...is going to claim that he sent it ten years ago when it was a 5.8+ sapling, and then spray to all the mags that you're a grade-hyping sponsor whore. This is the central problem with...errr, living...routes. They never hold the grade for very long. Imagine what this is going to do to poor Dave Graham? He'll have to fly in, flash your route, downgrade it, then tell 8a.nu...and then do it all over again every spring when your proj grows a new jug and some of the good bark feet get eaten by squirrles and whatnot. Then there'll be the inevitable arguments in the press about wether the highly suspicious new two finger pocket at the crux was produced by Frenchman with power tools shoved down their spandex...or woodpeckers...and there's an obvious joke there I'm avoiding...so trying to avoid...totally looking away from the joke...
Allez. Dammit, I peeked. Homard.
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hillbillywannabe
Sep 8, 2005, 2:14 AM
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dear noob,
when i cant find anyone to climb with because every time i start climbing i get kinda scary, to describe what i look like when i climbing, do you remember that "golum" picture that was around a while back? well that was me, they just said it was photoshopped cause no one would belive them. either that or they would put me in a museum or something...
what can you suggest that would remidy my scary looks? are there any other climbers with this sort of problem? i would like to talk to some one else that has figured out how to cope with it.
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rabbit1
Sep 8, 2005, 7:09 PM
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I had that same problem, then I started climbing with a rope bag over my head and two helmets ( one on each side). This keeps people from being scared. Other climbers have even started calling me the "unknown climber".
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hillbillywannabe
Sep 8, 2005, 11:07 PM
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i only have 1 helmet, and no rope bag , this wont work for me, i am a boulderer, so if i wore a helmet they would make fun of it like it was some new type of beanie should i just wear my crash pad? cover myself in chalk?
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subtle
Sep 9, 2005, 12:07 AM
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In reply to: cover myself in chalk?
Life is chock full of choices, my brother...and burying yourself under a mound of chalky goodness is one of them. All choices have consequences, though, and the likely side-effects of your highly rational desire to look out at the world from a personal portable powder pile include...but are not limited to...advanced dessication...a profound fear of wind, fans and rain...and a lifetime of hiding out from sweaty-palmed boulderers jonesing for sloper stickin' friction glue.
That'd be you, brah.
Allez. Your natural enemy is the bouldering brush. Homard.
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subtle
Sep 9, 2005, 12:43 AM
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In reply to: I'm sure I've got some sort of diagnosable Crimping Disability. With a bad case of CD, my 5.12 skillz only get me up the 5.8'z. Barely. Since you're basically the ex post facto authority in the climbing community, can you assign me some sort of handicap?
While there have been amazing strides in the field of Climbing Excuseology...and although the top minds at Ask The NOOB are working on the problem night and day...we are still years away from a cure. Here's what we now know:
It indeed seems you are suffering from an acute case of CCWC...Can't Crimp Worth Crap. This insidious send killer is very common among Trad climbers and is believed to be caused by accumulated A2 pulley scarring from years of repetetive pre-climb Pabst Blue Ribbon pull-tabs without proper warm up. Remember to thoroughly stretch, especially if it's cold out...or switch to screw-top wine bottles. Interestingly enough, despite equal or higher A2 loadings from pop-top Red Bull cans, neither Sport climbers nor Boulderers suffer from CCWC. It is believed that continually stroking one's ego offers some residual stretching benefits to the bolt clippers of the world. The well-documented lack of sex life of the predominantly male bouldering community leads to...ahem...ahhh, alternate stroking-related therapy modalities...and dope V14 Crimping Skillz.
Allez. Of course I don't...y'know...yeah. Homard.
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sogwap7
Sep 9, 2005, 7:18 PM
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Dear Dr. Noob,
Some time ago I posted a query and it went unanswered. I can only suppose this is a mistake because you haven't exactly ignored any question ever, and I've read all 37 pages. The only thing I could think of was that there was some mistake and with the move you must have missed it by accident. So rather than loose hope or think for some reason that my question wasn't worth answering I'll just re post it and hope to get an answer back.
Thanks for your help.
Steve, Not loosing hope yet, Blacksmith.
Mr. Noob
First of all I would just like to join the others in thanking you for your tireless efforts in educating the n00bs. The fact that you have taken it upon yourself to spell out so clearly the subtleties of climbing just shows your compassion to the masses. If it weren't for you how would i know that as a boulderer my grades are being held back so much by mearly wearing a t-shirt, and wearing a baseball hat instead of a beanie. No one at my local gym mentioned that valuable piece of information to me, it was you. How else would i know that to even take interest in sport climbing that i would need to invest my life savings in totally UV spandies and mousse? (that's another valuable piece of information that no one mentioned). So n00b......*sniffle sniffle*....*mild weeping*..............*violent weeping*........YOUR THE MAN!
*deep breaths* ok sorry for that.... now.....errr.....ok...... just give me a second to compose myself.........ok on to the question at hand.
In the recent weeks I have been so thoroughly captivated by the thread and ham sammys that I've completely transformed into a trad climber. And i didn't even realize it was happening. Now I'm ok with this cause i get to buy shiny widgets and doo-ma-hicky's. However I recently just got married and really have no money to start a trad rack so i was wondering if the nuts i made would work until i have enough to really buy the real thing. Under any normal circumstance i would just accrue 10 life times of debt but due to my new wife not standing for debt i cant do that. So below i have a link to a picture of some nuts that I made, if you could just take a look and let me know what you think that would be great.
thanks alot!
your wisdom changes lives.
http://www.geocities.com/dalhism.geo/random.html
Steve "check me out honey I'm tradding" blacksmith
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rabbit1
Sep 9, 2005, 8:47 PM
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You better get a patent on those things before you go show'n em around!
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zao479
Sep 10, 2005, 5:22 PM
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Last year there was a story about Dominican baseball players, and how they would pee on their hands in the shower. Urea is used in salons to toughen hands and feet so that they won't peal, blister, or callas.
My question comes in two parts:
1.Will this work for climbing?
2.How long do I have to wait to eat my ham sandwich?
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subtle
Sep 10, 2005, 7:21 PM
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In reply to: So below i have a link to a picture of some nuts that I made, if you could just take a look and let me know what you think that would be great. thanks alot! your wisdom changes lives. http://www.geocities.com/dalhism.geo/random.html
Hmmm...I was totally going to claim that you were obviously the reincarnation of Yvonne Chouinard, bro...except I think he's still alive, which raises some troubling Back To The Future related time/space continuum issues. Better get yourself a DeLorean and a wacky scientist sidekick, just in case...you can't be too careful...and speaking of careful...
That's some sweet gear, broham. Not since Yvonne, Royal Robbins and Layton Kor sawed pieces off the...ummm, er...Eiffel Tower or something...to make wierd sounding gear like bongs, RURPs, florts and...snizwas...has there been such an inspired usage of inappropriate materials for the trivial task of keeping you alive when you ditch. I can't tell from the photo if you have rigged your pro with nano-cordalette...ie, ahhh, string...or load limiting micro-screamer rubber bands. A combination of both should round out your rack nicely. I'd double up on the 1/4" through 2" binder clips...in case you hit a sketchy inter-cubicle crack system near the xerox machine and want to sew it up before punching to the anchors. I assume you're going to use the new Office Max wiregate paperclip draws...they have a huge weight advantage over solid crabs, and a box of 100 costs like $2.99.
Leaving you more money for Ham Sandwiches...
Allez. Who am I the reincarnation of...Hmmmm. Homard.
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4togo
Sep 11, 2005, 8:04 AM
Post #555 of 977
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Ask the NOOB has changed my life!
Friday was very rainy here, so I ended up bouldering in the gym, working on a non-rated problem. Items without price tags are free and problems without ratings are automatically "V-Monkey", right?
Anyway, we're all falling off this problem at the same place, 4 or 5 moves in... so imagine my surprise when I am executing the first few moves which we have all done umpteen-twenty times. I get off the ground and hear behind me: "YEAH!" Every single easy move, that we all know we can all do is greeted with a new bellow. "YOU GOT IT!" "STICK IT!" and so forth. Until the crux (do boulder problems have cruxes?) at which point the voice is oddly silent as I peel off the wall and bounce around on the floor a few times.
Now, normally this sort of thing might be a traumatic experience, leading to crippling paranoia about boulderers tiptoeing up and letting loose with unexpected hollers of "STICK IT!!! YEAH!" while I am making the opening moves on roped climbs; but thanks to Ask the NOOB I now know what really happened, and why.
In reply to: You think Klem Loskot endlessly screaming KAMAAAAAAN! DOOO EEET! KAMMMAAAAAN! at Chris Sharma in Dosage 2 was mere pimp-to-pimp encouragement?!? Hell no, holmes, he was training.
Thank you NOOB!
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shanz
Sep 11, 2005, 8:38 AM
Post #556 of 977
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Why dont people add ashtrays and beer holders on the sides of climbs ill never get past the 9's if i cant keep from splling my beer
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dirtineye
Sep 11, 2005, 11:58 AM
Post #557 of 977
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IT just keeps getting better-- this might be my latest favorite, among many:
In reply to: ...your highly rational desire to look out at the world from a personal portable powder pile...
You're giving John Long a run for his wordsmithing, you left dingus in the dust a long time ago, damn, subtle you're on a roll... probably a big fat yeast roll, but still, a hell of a roll.
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subtle
Sep 12, 2005, 1:43 AM
Post #558 of 977
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Two general programming notes:
I try to answer your questions as fast as I can, and in the order submitted...but I often find that I have nothing worthwhile to say, so things can get a little delayed. For particularly good questions, I tend to wait until I have a worthy reply. For you Ask The NOOB aficionados, note that I have not yet answered Feral Raccoon's inquiry about the Purple Way.
I will, though...someday.
I will be away from my computer...and couch, nooooo!...for a few days. As always, keep asking questions and I'll work through them when I return.
Out of order. Late.
Allez. Wonder if I can get rc.com on a Blackberry. Homard.
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k2glfpro
Sep 12, 2005, 3:41 AM
Post #559 of 977
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What does allez mean? Wasn't there an oil spill there?
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dunn
Sep 12, 2005, 4:11 AM
Post #560 of 977
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You guys are fucking morons, why waste you time with stupid shit like this. grow up.
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devonick
Sep 12, 2005, 4:23 AM
Post #561 of 977
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Registered: Aug 24, 2005
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you call us morons and yet your here,
what was the saying again,
those who live in glass houses shouldnt throw stones
if you dont think its worth it then dont come here makes sense to me
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paulc
Sep 12, 2005, 4:35 AM
Post #562 of 977
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In reply to: You guys are f---ing morons, why waste you time with stupid s--- like this. grow up.
I tell you what. When you get a sense of humour and some better grammer we might think what you have to say will be this interesting.
Until then piss off.
Paul
PS I'm Canadian, can I use Canadian bacon interchangably with ham for my sammys or will that cause a crazy reaction whereby I ditch my "hardcore" trad climbing for long uphill, bush-thrash approaches followed by 3 pitches of 5.3+ choss (otherwise known as Northwest coast alpine)?
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k2glfpro
Sep 12, 2005, 5:03 AM
Post #563 of 977
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In reply to: You guys are f---ing morons, why waste you time with stupid s--- like this. grow up.
Me got well grammar :!:
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cosmiccragsman
Sep 12, 2005, 5:38 AM
Post #564 of 977
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Dear NOOB;
How do you tell a Member who has only one post since he joined
in May,(Dunn)politely to STFU if he can't be civil. Maybe he should join a Monastary if he want's to be so serious. Or, start his own website where him and all his badass friends(see his profile) can hang out, and get off our site.
Keep up the good work Mr. NOOB! 99.99999% of the Members love your
columns.
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superbum
Sep 12, 2005, 6:22 AM
Post #565 of 977
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Deer noob,
What time is it?
Vic...
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swimming_dragon
Sep 12, 2005, 6:23 AM
Post #566 of 977
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In reply to: You guys are f---ing morons, why waste you time with stupid s--- like this. grow up.
when all's said and dunn, you need to scuttle back to your keller**
and STAY THERE.
Oh, and by the way, STFU!
**keller= german for 'basement' - AND its where you live, Wow, what a coincidence :wink:
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dirtineye
Sep 12, 2005, 6:26 AM
Post #567 of 977
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In reply to: In reply to: You guys are f---ing morons, why waste you time with stupid s--- like this. grow up. when all's said and dunn, you need to scuttle back to your keller** and STAY THERE. Oh, and by the way, STFU! **keller= german for 'basement' - AND its where you live, Wow, what a coincidence :wink:
HAHA it's pretty clear he lives in the WRATH's keller.
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cosmiccragsman
Sep 12, 2005, 7:04 AM
Post #568 of 977
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Good one Dirtineye!!!
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rabbit1
Sep 12, 2005, 12:24 PM
Post #569 of 977
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Dear Mr. NOOB,
What is the difference between a moron and a fuc#ing moron?
Also, what does "waste you time " mean?
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viacontinuum
Sep 13, 2005, 6:49 AM
Post #570 of 977
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alright, Mr. n00b, i think i got one. nice and easy, maybe a warm up question for when you get back from, uh... wherever you went...
my friend and i were bouldering at the gym, on this futuristic, insane V-FUN problem (yeah i know, apparently it was so hard they had to use LETTER GRADES), and we got into an argument about what category these particular holds fall under.
while i was pretty confident they were called "knife edges", my friend was sure they were called "ultra-micro crimps". this got me thinking... what's the smallest, thinnest, most unholdable kind of hold? is it the ultra-micro crimp, or the knife edge, or is there some other, magical, mystical kind of hold that you can only get, like, maybe 1 and a half hands in? i know it sounds unbelievable, but i've heard rumors...
anyway, now that i think about it, i doubt there even is an answer. i think this a contender for the unanswerable question. so, uh, good luck with this one; might wanna warm up on a few easier questions before you try to tackle this monstrosity.
peace out, yo
(i say things like "peace out" and "yo" now, cuz they help me pull down harder. i think it's working. and i'm sure that problem we were working at the gym was sandbagged--it felt at least V-FUN+.)
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gamehendge
Sep 13, 2005, 7:42 AM
Post #571 of 977
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you troll waste me time i dunn soiled one self :(....
pleeesee dear subtle, keep keep keep gracing us w/ your infinite wisdoms.
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subtle
Sep 14, 2005, 11:34 PM
Post #572 of 977
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In reply to: Last year there was a story about Dominican baseball players, and how they would pee on their hands in the shower. Urea is used in salons to toughen hands and feet so that they won't peal, blister, or callas. My question comes in two parts: 1.Will this work for climbing? 2.How long do I have to wait to eat my ham sandwich?
Well, I can truthfully say I totally didn't see this one coming...and I somehow suspect that Mountaineering - Freedom of the Hills isn't going to bail me out, either...hmmmm...
After several seconds of highly unfocused contemplation...I'm thinking that peeing on your hands is not going to help you get your send on...for any number of reasons. In this case, any number happens to be five:
1. It's just one more thing you have to do before you leave the ground. Shoes good...check. Harness doubled back...check. Knot...check. Urine drenched hands...check?
2. It totally interferes with your chalk mojo. If you chalk then pee up, you have to re-chalk. If you pee then chalk up, you'll end up with a handful of whiz mud. Nobody likes whiz mud, bro. Plus, you'll probably have to carry some sort of leakproof tinkle bag up the route, so you can re-pee your hands when they...ummm...stop being really gross. Yeah, that's it.
3. Filthy dirty people who eat four day-old bread and live under their vans will look at you and go "Man, that's just not sanitary...whoa...seriously...don't touch my stuff, yo."
4. You're going to need to buy a dry treated rope. Really, really dry treated.
5. You will set new standards for being the guy least likely to get laid at crags worldwide. And those standards are already pretty darn high, bro. When your boulderer friends start feeling sorry for you, it's time to buy some handi-wipes and stop the madness.
Now, regarding question #2...no need to wait...stick clip your sammy and get your eat on. This will also help you share with your friends, who for some reason may be sitting kinda far away from you.
Allez. Sure you can have a sip of my gatorade...wait, I don't have any gatorade...noooooo! Homard.
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sactownclimber
Sep 14, 2005, 11:44 PM
Post #573 of 977
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In reply to: Well, I can truthfully say I totally didn't see this one coming... . . . climbing blah blah piss blah blah chalk mojo blah blah . . . Allez. Sure you can have a sip of my gatorade...wait, I don't have any gatorade...noooooo! Homard.
You get a gold trophy today, O Great nOOb. One of your wisest - er, funnier - posts in recent memory!
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zao479
Sep 15, 2005, 11:21 PM
Post #574 of 977
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Thank for the life lessons. Lately I have noticed that all my climbing buddies are all too busy to climb, and the local boulderers were showering. Apparently what I though was an apocalyptic sign, was simply a reaction to my own rank nastiness.
I'll consider your wise council, but I must admit that it is nice to having the rock to myself. Not to mention I have almost mastered the art of the solo send.
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subtle
Sep 16, 2005, 12:51 AM
Post #575 of 977
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In reply to: Why dont people add ashtrays and beer holders on the sides of climbs ill never get past the 9's if i cant keep from splling my beer
Ahhh, kids these days...
There is a rad picture of a old-skool rockstar named John Sherman drinking a beer midway through some sort of radge ish desperate solo on an ultra mega classic line. Granted, the photo is a total fake...if you squint hard you can see the Loch Ness monster spotting him in the background...but let's not let reality get in the way of a reasonably useful anecdote, yo. Sherman is the OG bouldering pimp and more or less invented Hueco Tanks, actually did invent the V-Scale for grading problems...and totally would have starred in a bunch of bouldering videos, except the market for grainy black and white 16mm footage of a guy with Converse All-Stars and a hideous mullet hiking B2 problems is limited to...pretty much...me.
If that isn't enough, direct your attention the the more au courant The Life. Please note the freak job spotting Dave Graham on Maze of Death...he's got his boy covered with a beer in one hand and a smoke in the other. Now that's multi-tasking...and damn fine motivation not to fall off the proj.
See you on the 5.9+ top rope near the soda machine...
Allez. Watch me close, Nessie. Homard.
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rasken
Sep 16, 2005, 5:53 AM
Post #576 of 977
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Registered: Apr 6, 2005
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OK, here's a tricky one for ya:
How bulked up do you have to be to be a climber? I got me one of them harnesses yesterday, since someone at the crag said I'd hurt my teeth if I kept toproping my 5.2's biting the rope for safety. Granted, it was a problem as I kept losing the rope when I had to yell to my belayer. Especially when I spit out the rope, yelled "TAKE!", and saw the rope slither up the rock before I could get a good bite on it.
Now to the problem: I looked at a few harnesses at the store, and decided I definitely needed the smallest one. But even with that, my neck is nowhere near big enough to fill out the large loop, and don't get me started on the arm loops! Them things are so big not even my dad would fit tight. So now, when I take a fall, it hurts almost as much as when my teeth took the snap. The neck loop hits me over the back of the head, and the arm loops pinch my armpits something awful.
Actually, most of the time I slide out of it and drop to the ground. I think I need to sort this out before I start climbing higher than three feet, or I'm gonna hurt myself awful bad. Then my mom will start yelling at me again.
So, do I need steroids to fill my harness out, or is there special equipment for people like me? I didn't think I was skinny at 6 feet and 300 pounds, but the harness things have made me realize that all you climbers are HUGE!
Kindly
/rasken
[edit]
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moose_droppings
Sep 16, 2005, 6:13 AM
Post #577 of 977
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Is it politicaly correct to rack my ham sammies on my harness allready made, or do i rack individual componets along with condiments and slap em together at the belay station. Does it differ from country to country?
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cintune
Sep 16, 2005, 12:44 PM
Post #578 of 977
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Dear Noob,
Speaking of trees, a sycamore tree blew down in my backyard. It was about 70' tall and 2' in diameter; the trunk snapped about halfway up. Missed the propane tank by about sixteen inches, the house by four feet, and the climbing wall by about 30 feet.
Pretty lucky, I thought.
So I started cutting it all up, wondering what I was going to do with the wood (sycamore is impossible to split for firewood because the grain is everything but parallel). Then I looked down and saw this perfect finger-pocket burl that had literally popped off the trunk when it hit the ground. Two passes on the table saw and four wood screws later I got this:
http://www.oldnewspublishing.com/pocket.jpg
And now all I'm left with is this:
http://www.oldnewspublishing.com/wood.jpg
So my question is: What should I do with this pile of wood?
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shanz
Sep 16, 2005, 1:26 PM
Post #579 of 977
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Thank you oh great noob not sure but the response gives me great motivation on this rad new project on my cubical i just cant seem to pull the last move --- think ill quit trying to lead it and set up a TR until i can get it think ill anchor off on partners bonzai tree in his cubical
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subtle
Sep 19, 2005, 12:59 AM
Post #580 of 977
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In reply to: I, I bouldered. In the gym. And I couldn't stop. I knew it was wrong and I just couldn't stop. I did all the V0s. Then I did all the V1s. Then I took my shirt off, and I did all the V2s. Finally, after getting a couple V3s, the addiction was sated. Feeling dirty and slightly disgusted with myself, I put my shirt on, and slunk home. But secretly, I felt kind of proud. And now there's a part of me that thinks that maybe what I did wasn't so bad, and maybe I could sneak off and boulder again without anyone seeing me. Maybe if I wear a little hat no-one will recognize me. Oh god, what's happening to me?! G:cry:
(sigh)...it's a good thing for you I occasionally watch non-climbing movies. Granted, it's been ahhhh, a couple of years...but I'll do what I can.
Seeing as you're a New England climber...errr, climbah...you're more likely than not scratching your way through five or six hundred mosquito bites right about now...more if you've been to Pawtuckaway lately. I am sad to report, though, that two of those are probably not insect bites. No, it's far worse than that...
It seems you were bitten by a Were-Boulderer...probably during some full moon night-sesh at the Monsters of the Id cave deep in the Rumney forests. You can try to fight it all you want, brah...but unless you feel like stabbing yourself with a silver piton and becoming an undead aid-climbing ghoul, when the next full moon comes...you're going to change.
You will undergo grotesque transformations...much like errr, puberty...your spine will arch like a slouching teenager...your fingers will twist into ferrally ferocious crimpy-claws...your shirt will explode off your pasty white hairless torso...for ummm, no particular reason. Your route climbing friends will back away in horror as you bound over to the nearest boulder problem and get your send on with a resounding AWWWHHHHHHOOOOO!
Welcome to the pack, bro.
Allez. Awhooo!...Were-boulderers of New England! Homard.
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subtle
Sep 21, 2005, 1:02 AM
Post #581 of 977
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I regret to say that Ask The NOOB will be offline for...hopefully only a few days...as I flee Houston in advance of the coming hurricane. I'll respond when I can, if I can. As always, post your questions and I'll answer them when I'm able.
Allez. Making a raft out of my crashpad, yo. Homard.
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igsaisb
Sep 21, 2005, 2:37 PM
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Brah - don't you know that the Eye Wall goes about 5.12a in a Category 4 storm? You should hang around and send that sucker. Depending on how the wind blows, you might not even have to get off the couch to do it.
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deserteaglle
Sep 21, 2005, 6:20 PM
Post #583 of 977
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Hey NOOB, I just want to start with saying that you are a great inspiration. Now i have never actually climbed, but i've thought really hard about it and have been reading the forums for at least a week and a half, I even dropped "CAM" in a conversation this week, and i almost got a chick because of it. Anyway, my question is, should i wear a tank top or just a cutoff t-shirt for standing in front of the gym? I really got my guns worked up, especially my right forearm, and i'm wondering which is going to show off more definition. Thanks in advance NOOB, I NEED your help.
NOOB wannabe.
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skinnyclimber
Sep 21, 2005, 8:05 PM
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In reply to: I regret to say that Ask The NOOB will be offline for... hopefully only a few days...as I flee Houston in advance of the coming hurricane. I'll respond when I can, if I can. As always, post your questions and I'll answer them when I'm able. Allez. Making a raft out of my crashpad, yo. Homard.
Hey nOOb. I was thinking that since you'll be out of town for a couple of days that I could go check on your house for you. Could you please pm me a detailed map showing the exact location of your house (It must be very very detailed as I am a stoned idiot). Also please include a description of all electronics and valuables as well as their location so I can make sure everything is... uhhhh.... safe.
Your humble servant,
Skinny
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subtle
Sep 22, 2005, 6:55 PM
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Hmmmm, so...you're a guy climber who's got a lot of errrr, wood going on...and you want to know what you can do to ummm, get rid of your wood.
Urban Climber has done a lot of quality work helping young male climbers understand...ahhh...deforestation issues. The photo essays, in particular, really let you get a good...handle...on the issue and show how everyone can, through a program of frequent and vigorous intervention, really make a difference.
Ummm, so I hear, at any rate...
Allez. I'm a refugee...with high-speed internet access. Homard.
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rock_ninja
Sep 22, 2005, 7:15 PM
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Whoa, nOOb, I never actually believed you're from Houston. In any case, good luck with the getting out, and if you need a place to stay, I'm in DC, I have plenty of room for a crashpad on the floor, and I'm a hop skip and a jump from Seneca, and maybe just a little bit further than that to the New, and just a teensy teensy bit further than that to the Gunks.
Allez- be safe! (I refuse to put homard, cuz I still don't get what it means.)
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zao479
Sep 23, 2005, 10:50 PM
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I know that you initially started this thread for fun. There were good times and people around the world have benefited from your wisdom. Those were good times, but now duty calls. The guys at AskMen.com have published and article that is causing turmoil here at rc.com.
Is the article nonsense or is it a transcendent wisdom that has us all feeling a little insecure. We need you guidance oh king of the n00bs.
http://www.askmen.com/fashion/how_to_200/230_how_to.html
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subtle
Sep 24, 2005, 1:04 AM
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In reply to: Anyway, my question is, should i wear a tank top or just a cutoff t-shirt for standing in front of the gym?
You know, I initially totally dismissed this as a question that was not worth contemplating...then...I contemplated...and it's just like with those potato chips...you can't just contemplate one, brah.
If you were actually in the gym, obviously you have to be going shirtless to show off your pterodactyl-esque lat development and your rad tribal tatts. Outside the gym, though I think you have to take the exact opposite approach and pile on the LogoWearTM. A little something like this, perhaps:
- Chaco sandals (if winter) or plastic Denali boots (if summer)
- Prana Ninja-Pants that end six inches above your plastic boots
- Your Pretzl harness. Never take it off for max Big Wall Cred, yo.
- DopeGun hoodie, unzipped to show...
- A YoIll t-shirt
- A beanie, choose from your massive collection. Let's say...Blerrr
Ahhh, but why? A fine question.
Your average skinny, smelly, pale, filthy and somewhat sketchy looking dirtbag climber person is basically the spitting image of your average skinny, smelly, pale, filthy and somewhat sketchy looking homeless person...with better crimp strength and mad sloper pimp hand, naturally. Now that our highly sought after marketing demographic is being further crowded by hurricane refugees, if you're not careful someone will very likely pick you up in a helecopter basket and take you to...Kansas or something. I mean, yeah, you'll get some bottled water and a possible ham sandwich out of the deal...but you're in frigging Topeka, yo.
Doesn't seem worth it to me.
Allez. Is that my couch floating by on CNN?!? Homard.
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jakedatc
Sep 24, 2005, 1:53 AM
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/me puts this message in an addressed RedBull can to float to the nOOb (god i hope this works)
Dear nOOb,
The winter is clearly upon us.. with temps dropped to nearly 78 degrees today there will be snow here in the Northeast in a matter of days for sure. So.. what is a sport climber like myself supposed to do?? I think ive become allergic to Plastic due to an increase in prices at the local plasticwallclimberplace. Anyway, i was thinking.... wait for it... wait... ICE climbing!!! what do you think?? Now, i have a few concerns...
a) Sport climber.. NEEEEEEEEEEEEED bolts.. what are the ethics on fixed draws on ice anyway...
b) As you've noted in the past.. i weight a mere 14.67kG give or take a few lbs. Will my 3/4 length Ninja pants keep me insulated at least for the send?
c) shoes shoes shoes!?! testarossas.. miuras.. or even *gasp* VENOMS what sticks best on ice.. now i dont need to smear.. all roofs all the time baby.. i need serious icicle pulling power and perhaps the occasional double heel hook kneebar figure 4 (gotta shake out and chalk up for the camera, yo)
d) Rope.. gotta go super light with the rope.. don't need any extra weight slowing things down or i...i...i.. well i might fucking freeze dammit. now i saw this stuff called Ice Line.. 8.6mm which has a nice ring to it.. and light.. it mentioned something about 1/2 rope.. but i think that just means you can only go half as far as usual.. so thats cool i'll stick to short steep routes.
now.. as much as these things could get in the way.. there is one underlying fact that motivates me to give it a shot more than anything else..
SUPER COOL FRENCH BLOW! i mean COME ON you got the chalk blowing.. and the frozen vapor blowing... Tony "le frenchman himself" Lamiche eat ur heart out.. Cover of SubArctic Climber here i come
allez. Ceuse is ok... if you dont like ICE. homard
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lishe
Sep 24, 2005, 5:23 AM
Post #590 of 977
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Dear Noob,
I just read the Aid climbing chapter in Mountaineering - Freedom of the Hills, and I think I have everything down. I've been practicing in my living room, and feel that I am now ready to climb my first Big Wall.
The only thing is, the chapter didn't mention anything about electricity for camping out, and how I can haul up my tent. I have a big dome tent, and an air matress for a cot to sleep on. Also, is it possible to install a gas/propane line on the route so that I can ensure that I will have my morning coffee? Those little mini stoves don't seem robust enough for such a hearty adventure.
I think I'll try El Cap, the Nose route first. Should I contact Yosemite regarding bear lockers?
Thanks.
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subtle
Sep 25, 2005, 4:38 AM
Post #591 of 977
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In reply to: How bulked up do you have to be to be a climber?...So, do I need steroids to fill my harness out, or is there special equipment for people like me?
Now, I was all set to fire of some stock missive about how bad steroids are...when I stopped to think...and nothing good is going to come of that, let me tell you...
Boulderers might be the ideal sporting subculture for super-excessive glow-in-the-dark thermonuclear steroid abuse. Granted, my main informational source on the topic is a guy shooting pool cleaner into his ass and bench pressing a Subaru at the gym...but he seemed pretty smart. Since there's no Ask The BALCO or Steroideneering - Takedom of the Pills for me to reference...well...lack of facts has never stopped me before...
Anyhow, so you've decided to amp up your sendage with a couple of handfuls of Winstrol V and some Deca-Durobolin. Fine, we're all adults here...or, ahem, pretending to be...and how you choose to live your life and the associated consequences are your own business. On the positive side of things, you can probably now train nine days a week for about 20 hours a sesh, pausing only to hoover a couple of Cliff bars and some more...ah...steroids. Your semi-perpetual hyper-aggressive state should totally allow you to pull radge ish like the sit-start to that blue and green taped V2- by the coke machine...or, failing that, punch out the coke machine for 'looking at you funny'. It's win-win, brah!
Even the negatives aren't really going to affect you. So, you'll probably sprout a full-body Teen Wolf pelt...I mean...c'mon, remember how cool it was when you could grow beard stubble? Dude, fully body stubble. That's like 500% cooler than Don Johnson...and he totally rocked Miami Vice. Or just keep it natural...like Teen Wolf himself. What's more rad than total-coverage dreads? Nothing, that's what.
And if Teen Wolf has taught us anything...and I think it has...it's that hairy freaks get all the ladies. Now, this could be a distraction from working the proj, particularly for the prototypical attention-starved boulderer...but fear not...once your junk shrivels up and your sex drive disappears, you could booty-spot the entire photo section of Urban Climber and still give Mr. Spock lessons on lack of feelings.
There is just one tiny problem.
Tendon and ligament strength does not progress nearly as fast as muscle strength. One of the main problems with prolonged steroid use is a tendency to rupture, tear, or vaporize at the speed of light those pesky little fibers that actually connect your newfound ripped beefitude to y'know, the...bonementals...and your ahhh, metal cyborg parts. Sooner or later, you'll power-thruch some micro crimpers in preparation for a sick 40 foot dyno and your arms will explode off your body like 4th of July fireworks. As the rest of the gym rats are distracted by the loud noise and pretty colors, you'll have to wobble off to the gear rental counter in search of xtra-large band aids...and someone to unwrap your Cliff bar for you.
Allez. C'mon, Teen Wolf, send! Homard.
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oldrnotboldr
Sep 26, 2005, 6:04 PM
Post #592 of 977
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Dear NooB:
Why does the fat guy or skinny guy always go first?
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subtle
Sep 27, 2005, 10:46 PM
Post #593 of 977
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In reply to: Also, is it possible to install a gas/propane line on the route so that I can ensure that I will have my morning coffee? Those little mini stoves don't seem robust enough for such a hearty adventure.
(sigh)
Mini-stove? Are you serious? I suppose you're also bringing along...I dunno...some tofu-ham and alfalfa sprouts in a pita. C'mon, fess up...you totally have a pita knife clipped to your harness...right next to the Eddie Bowser nalgene full of wheat grass smoothie. Do you have room in your Escalade for all this stuff? Are you going to have to get a Thule carrier so you can bring along your Arc Teryx Lambda Epsilon Squared nano-shell in case it gets a little chilly on route? Ooh, and don't forget your Prana soft-side foldable dog trough, because Piton gets a little thristy and he doesn't like to lap his evian out of a metal bowl because the pet therapist says he has sensitive teeth. So just do whatever everyone else does...stop at the Starbucks at the third belay ledge. Don't forget your debit card.
I'd heap even more scorn on you, but...ummm...I have to have my Mom drive me to the gym now...
Allez. I'm just bitter 'cause my pita knife is back ordered. Homard.
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lishe
Sep 29, 2005, 9:18 PM
Post #594 of 977
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In reply to: So just do whatever everyone else does...stop at the Starbucks at the third belay ledge. Don't forget your debit card.
whew...good to know there is a starbuck's on the way up. i was a little worried about that. hopefully they can re-charge my iPod, too.
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sogwap7
Sep 30, 2005, 5:20 PM
Post #595 of 977
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Registered: Jun 7, 2004
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Ive never sent the Nose but i have seen alot of pictures of Lynn Hill getting her send on and I've never seen the starbucks do they leave it out of the pictures to make it seem like a harder climb????........Does the Starbucks have Wi-Fi?
.......wha?....ohh...ok yeah some one just told me that you were kidding about that. Any way just wanted to give you an update Noob-Master Flex. Just to refresh i had the binder clip nuts.
Well i did what you told me and doubled up on the 1/4" and it was a good thing i got the redpoint on "Off widths and Partitions" this way sick 5.7 crack system so just wanted to let you know what was up and thanks again for the recommended double up. I think my next work place proj will deffinatly have to be "Phish Jams and Door Jams." its a pretty gnarly crimp problem over a double wide door. If your ever in the Chicago area you oughta stop by and give it a shot, the managers were a little miffed by the sea of Clif bar wrappers and half crimper crushed Red Bull cans, and they didn't care for the chalk pot and crash pad but they don't seem to mind any more.
arright man well take it easy Peace Out!
steve."hey boss, BIZZZZZAT" blacksmith
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deserteaglle
Oct 1, 2005, 11:29 PM
Post #596 of 977
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Hey NOOB, I need you again. I actually went climbing this weekend and i need some info about cheap gear. You see i was doing some bouldering and i was getting way pumped about how cool i'm gonna be when i tell everyone about my climbing adventures. I wanna look like a real climber and stuff (i was climbing this weekend in my only pair of tennis shoes), but my mom said she won't give me any money. Has something to do with...I think she said "Past unhealthy life-choices" or something. WTF MAN. What gear is essential and what gear is not. For example, Will I look like more of a hard-ass without a crash-pad?, and Will chicks dig my monkey-like toes sticking through the ends of my wornout tennis shoes. That's what I'm really doing this for anyway, Pimpness and Poon.
Thanks,
Desert (i meant to spell it) Eagle.
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subtle
Oct 6, 2005, 1:21 AM
Post #597 of 977
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In reply to: Will I look like more of a hard-ass without a crash-pad?
Well...yes and no, brah.
This is a fine tactic to pump up your bouldering street cred...analagous to pushing your stack all-in at a big poker game. You're either going to win big...or...ahem.
On the plus side, given the explosive population growth of Boulderer Nation, chances are there'll be about 53 pads stacked up under any given problem you happen to wander by...anywhere...ever. Simply drop your flute/bong/nalgene/sitar/powerbar, throw on your V10s, wait your turn in line and get your send on. For maximum steeze points, campus the proj in your sandals, then flute on down the trail. This actually happened to me in Bishop, only the desert freak paused to drink some snow melt off the top of the boulder before heading back into the wasteland. He also chalked up with dirt. Still think you're a pimp with your mail-order ninja pants? Hmmm?
The downside of bouldering without a pad is...sooner or later...you're going to have to boulder without a pad. This is totally not a problem...I just have one minor suggestion. Don't fall. Ever. I know what you're thinking...it's not a that much of a highball...I can probably land on my feet...that patch of gravel totally looks nice and soft. Whatever...bottom line, bro, Hot Climberr Chixx do not dig guys curled up in a ball under a V1- crying and rubbing their ass-bone.
Believe me, I know.
Allez. The ass-bone is connected to the... Homard.
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davidorchard
Oct 10, 2005, 9:20 PM
Post #598 of 977
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Dear Subtle,
I have been trying to come up with something that will revolutionize the climbing world. Since cams and quick draws have already been done I am kind of limited, but the other day I noticed some neat things being added to chalk to lessen their environmental impact. This started the brain storm: Peanut Butter Flavored Chalk. It would totally reduce the amount of stuff i have to haul down to the crag and reduce my prep time. I could just grab some bread and jam and head for the crag. So I have tried a couple runs of peanut butter chalk, but it seems to come out pretty gooey when i try to chalk up and kinda gross when I spread it on the bread. Since you are so all knowing, I thought you might be able to help me with some of the chemistry that will make this work. thanks.
peanut butter chalk is the revolution.
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subtle
Oct 11, 2005, 12:05 AM
Post #599 of 977
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In reply to: Dear Subtle, I have been trying to come up with something that will revolutionize the climbing world. Since cams and quick draws have already been done I am kind of limited, but the other day I noticed some neat things being added to chalk to lessen their environmental impact. This started the brain storm: Peanut Butter Flavored Chalk. It would totally reduce the amount of stuff i have to haul down to the crag and reduce my prep time. I could just grab some bread and jam and head for the crag. So I have tried a couple runs of peanut butter chalk, but it seems to come out pretty gooey when i try to chalk up and kinda gross when I spread it on the bread. Since you are so all knowing, I thought you might be able to help me with some of the chemistry that will make this work. thanks. peanut butter chalk is the revolution.
This may be the greatest idea in the history of the world.
There are truckloads of obvious reasons, which I'm sure you've thought of but that I'll run down quickly for our more 'thinking inside the box' kinda bretheren.
1. Peanut butter is brown...and check this out...rocks are brown. While rocks are tragically not made of peanut butter...and I tasted one, just y'know, in case...you have to admit this would cut down on all that unsightly chalk residue that we boulderers are all always getting slagged for. Granted, peanut butter residue is going to anger a whole 'nother group of people...but I don't care about any of those people.
2. There's totally no such thing as a bad friction day with a palm full of Skippy. You could land a dyno on plate glass, brah. If you're working slopers, go for the Creamy Jiff for extra-smooth pimp hand.
3. A guy with 5lbs of peanut butter is cool. A guy with 5lbs of chalk is...I dunno...kinda sketchy. Wait a minute...I have 23lbs of chalk...uh-oh.
I am a little concerned, though, that the whizzing-on-his-hands guy from a couple of posts ago reads this and gets the wrong idea. Or, y'know, mark your jar really good, brah. I don't want a peenut butter and jelly sandy, thank you very much.
No sir.
Allez. Best Idea Ever, I'm telling you. Homard.
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zao479
Oct 11, 2005, 1:12 AM
Post #600 of 977
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What?...Suddenly I feel like the crusty cousin from some sort of "National Lampoons Bouldering America." Although if PB&J is the new thing what am I supposed to do with this 5lb ham I just bought for the weekend. Or is this going to be the next dividing fad like man capris vs. ninja pants.
Who knew that counter culture could end up this bureaucratic. Any other pressing issues we should know about? I just want to be sure that I'm expressing myself like everyone else does!
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subtle
Oct 11, 2005, 11:39 PM
Post #601 of 977
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In reply to: Any other pressing issues we should know about? I just want to be sure that I'm expressing myself like everyone else does!
Ok, here's some things...
- Sport and Trad climbers are just now catching on to Serenity, but boulderers were hip to Firefly about a year ago. At all of the hep-cat locals-only sesh's, people are already saying 'shiny' instead of 'rad' or 'dope' when someone sticks an ill move, yo.
- Everybody listens to Phish, obviously, because it's genius...and the edgy, rad people listen to Mr. Bungle...but the full-on freak-job uber-Pimpmeisters listen to Rasputina. You think Jason Kehl got like that with some Abba 8-tracks? Ahhhhh, no.
- Peanut butter is the new hotness, but fear not Swineophiles, Ham is here to stay. Why? Like Rasputina and Firefly, Peanut butter is being hyped by the 17 year old bouldering crowd. Pretty soon there'll be Urban Crimper photo shoots with Ivan Greene pitching off some Gunks desperate onto a crashpad made of Reese's Peanut Butter cups while being quasi-spotted by a lingere-wearing supermodel named Inara. This...may...bother some people...and we call those people Trad Climbers. They'll never switch to Peanut Butter, out of spite, mostly...and legitimate fears that they won't look as good in a $300 Versace tank top.
Allez. Fahng-tzong fung-kwong duh jeh! Homard.
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subtle
Oct 13, 2005, 1:52 AM
Post #602 of 977
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In reply to: The winter is clearly upon us.. with temps dropped to nearly 78 degrees today there will be snow here in the Northeast in a matter of days for sure. So.. what is a sport climber like myself supposed to do?? I think ive become allergic to Plastic due to an increase in prices at the local plasticwallclimberplace. Anyway, i was thinking.... wait for it... wait... ICE climbing!!! what do you think?? Now, i have a few concerns...
You have concerns? Concerns? Bro, I have concerns...you have an imminent date with hideous snarling peril and nearly certain mangulation...
Ok, so just to review...there's this dangling icicle that sort of looks like a giant razor dagger just chock full of stab-osity...and you look at that and go...man, I'd totally like to chill out under that for a while...maybe climb up to it and, y'know, hang off it a little...yank real hard and see if I can dislodge it onto me or my belayer. Oh, I know, I'd absolutely better bring some pointy steel ice axes along, which I will sharpen up until I can whittle diamonds with them...then I'll flail my arms around all crazy-style when I ditch onto my 8.2MM single rope...what's the worst that could happen? Chances are my belayer has frostbite on...oh, I dunno...all of his fingers and has lost feeling below his elbows since I've been hangdogging the proj for about three hours, so his catch might be a trifle looser than usual. By 'looser' I mean 'deckalicious'...but the snow is pretty soft, where it covers the rocks. It'll be fine, dude.
I mean, you probably don't even have to worry about any of this, since chances are you'll get eaten by bears on the approach. They can smell peanut butter a mile away, y'know...sometimes two miles.
Allez. The Ice season down here in Texas is...brief. Homard.
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shanz
Oct 15, 2005, 12:31 AM
Post #603 of 977
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Do vegans trad climb and if so how do they get their send on if they dont eat ham sandwhiches
mind boggling!!!!!
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lichenmuncher
Oct 15, 2005, 2:18 AM
Post #604 of 977
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STFU noobs
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lewisiarediviva
Oct 15, 2005, 2:32 AM
Post #605 of 977
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In reply to: C'mon, fess up...you totally have a pita knife clipped to your harness....
Wow, what a great idea!
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subtle
Oct 16, 2005, 8:46 PM
Post #606 of 977
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In reply to: Do vegans trad climb and if so how do they get their send on if they dont eat ham sandwhiches mind boggling!!!!!
This is a really good question...and extremely difficult to answer within the confines of current climbing theory and practice...so, much like Newton, Copernicus, Maynard James Keenan and...that creepy robot Hawking guy...I shall have to voyage deep within my mind to craft a unifying quantum theory to explain this...inexplicable phenomenon.
First, it should be noted, I am not a Trad climber and never have been. This allows me to observe them with detached clinical objectivity, as though they were jug hauling protozoans or...ahem, Gorillas on the Schist, if you will. I generally prefer not to observe Vegans, since they are always waving a bunch of wheat grass in your face and reminding you that your bacon cheeseburger is murder. I like my murder medium-rare with swiss, personally.
Superficially, if there were Vegan trad climbers in the general population, they should stick out like a sore thumb. Your sterotypical Traddie does not lack for nourishment, sun exposure or sleep...so spotting an edgy, pale-white 112lb guy brandishing tofu-tongs shouldn't be that hard, right? There is a notable lack of photographic proof, though...very suspicious. I mean, shouldn't there be some random blurry 7.2 rated shot of, say, Dingus lolling about in front of a campfire with an unexplained, partially consumed package of free-range alfalfa sprouts partially visible behind a log in the background? Who's oatey bar is that?
Nobody knows...
I suspect a vast conspiracy...a secret alliance between an alien...errr...vegalian...race and the military/industrial/soy complex. A pact has been forged, a plan set in motion...
...that, or there...ummm...are no Vegan trad climbers.
Allez. The Truth is Out There. Homard.
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brent_e
Oct 16, 2005, 11:58 PM
Post #607 of 977
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Hi Noob...sir,
I actually went bouldering today, and although I pulled a flake up into my face on the slab proj I am trying to send (it's a little slick cuz of blood...so V0+), I want to keep at it. My question is this: will Merkaba help me send?
Thank you
Brent
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subtle
Oct 17, 2005, 2:09 AM
Post #608 of 977
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In reply to: I actually went bouldering today, and although I pulled a flake up into my face on the slab proj I am trying to send (it's a little slick cuz of blood...so V0+), I want to keep at it. My question is this: will Merkaba help me send?
That's a fairly subjective question...and the stock answer from any fan worth their Salival DVD is that there is no bad Tool song to do anything to, ever, under any circumstances. As a matter of fact, most of the early Ask The NOOB stuff was written while listening to Aenima. I have since realized that each problem, in addition to having a hidden sequence of moves to be unlocked...also has a hidden song that goes well with those moves. I don't know what sort of a problem suits Merkaba, but I'm damn sure not climbing on it, whatever it is. After a quick re-listen to the song, I assume it'd have to be a crimpy horrorshow full of huge gaston lock offs to perverse contortionist reverse figure-four finger jam dynos...over a bad landing full of three day old squid and scorpions with nunchuks...while being spotted by an evil clown with a cow skull for a head.
Yeah...not getting on that. No sir.
Allez. That is exactly why I don't climb outside. Homard.
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deltav
Oct 17, 2005, 4:02 PM
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Dear NooB:
I have been working on this killer 5.6 chimney for about a year now, but the crux keeps kickin my ass. If I get a life-time subscription of Climbing, will that help me send?
Thanks
rOckjOck69
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jakedatc
Oct 17, 2005, 4:50 PM
Post #610 of 977
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In reply to: Dear NooB: I have been working on this killer 5.6 chimney for about a year now, but the crux keeps kickin my ass. If I get a life-time subscription of Climbing, will that help me send? Thanks rOckjOck69
You think you can get better advice from some magazine than in the Ask the NOOB thread? :shock:
NON BELIEVER!!!!
hopefully.. you will see where you took a wrong turn in your wandering approach trail of life and find the proper rock stair way to the overhanging goodness of Ask the NOOB enlightenment. If not... may Dinojesus have mercy on your weaksauce crimp steezos.
allez. What would Dinojesus do :?:
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subtle
Oct 18, 2005, 1:54 AM
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In reply to: If I get a life-time subscription of Climbing, will that help me send?
Oh, absolutely brah...especially if you get a lifetime subscription. You'll get all the latest news from about three months ago about all the radge ish sends going down, articles for training and shoe purchase advice, and...ummm...the occasional sweaty 'n accidentally revealing photo of Hott Climber Chixx for...errr, inspiration. Just, y'know, don't blow a tendon or anything.
The best thing is, once you're about ten or twenty years deep into your subscription you'll have like 9,736 mags mouldering away in your parent's basement. If you stack those bad boys up under the proj, brah, you'll totally be able to reach the finish jug. When asked what the hell you're doing perched atop your teetering tower of Bouldering Book Babel, look your questioner in the eye and respond simply, "Never seen a cheater stone before, brah?"
Allez. Leave in the subscription cards for extra height. Homard.
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maimed
Oct 18, 2005, 3:29 AM
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Oh sage Noob!
You, like me, may have read Eiger Dreams or The White Spider and been filled with fear and trembling, but I don't think anything can really prepare one for the unspeakable horror of http://www.nordwand.at
Courir et se cacher HOMARD!
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shanedms
Oct 19, 2005, 4:26 PM
Post #613 of 977
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NOOB
As an ex- New England Boulderer maybe you can help me. Since I moved up here I've noticed that while working any proj I have at least thirteen entire species of insects sucking my blood. Now, if I could induce them to all beat their wings in unison, I'm sure the extra lift would allow me to send some sic...um, wicked proj. Know any mosquito mind control tricks? Should I earn their respect, or rule through fear?
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rabbit1
Oct 19, 2005, 10:52 PM
Post #614 of 977
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www.nordwand.at
(whispering) the horror...............the horror...........
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subtle
Oct 20, 2005, 5:27 AM
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In reply to: Oh sage Noob! You, like me, may have read Eiger Dreams or The White Spider and been filled with fear and trembling, but I don't think anything can really prepare one for the unspeakable horror of http://www.nordwand.at Courir et se cacher HOMARD!
...wow...wow. I'd sooner gun hoe-tze bee dio-se than click on that link ever again. I was fully expecting some 284 page online album chock full 'o endless "Look at my pristine yet highly derivative yak standing in front of a mountain photos taken at basecamp before getting closed out by weather for nine weeks...you should have seen my beard, yo!" images. I was dreading the link...I was fully playa-hating on the link...but I must confess I was totally unprepared for what lay...
BEYOND THE LINK! (cue scary music...wait...it is scary music)
Frankly, I can neither condone or support clicking on the above link, and we here at Ask The NOOB would ask that we all just pretend it doesn't exist and try to get on with our lives...such as they are...now...in the aftermath...
Allez. It's all ruined. Homard.
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freeskicolorado
Oct 23, 2005, 6:21 PM
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Dear N00b,
Maybe this has already been covered, but I need musical advice. Surely listening to the proper tunes before getting to the crag would up my sending abilities? For example, would a little Snoop Doggy Dogg help me get that elusive send of the juggy madness of Leggo My Prana (V0-)? Perhaps Jimi Hendrix would get me up the nasty trad testpiece Epics & Ham (5.4+)?
Your wisdom is needed!
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subtle
Oct 24, 2005, 12:00 AM
Post #617 of 977
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In reply to: I've noticed that while working any proj I have at least thirteen entire species of insects sucking my blood. Now, if I could induce them to all beat their wings in unison, I'm sure the extra lift would allow me to send some sic...um, wicked proj. Know any mosquito mind control tricks? Should I earn their respect, or rule through fear?
Oh brother, you totally don't want that. In addition to instantly getting called on a lift-assist bug dab by your boyz, getting intentionally bitten by more than one New England mosquito...aka, the State Bird of New Hampshire...is really tempting fate. You can slather on all the 200% DEET you want, brah, but just wait until some Starship Troopers insecto-freakazoid crawls out of the Pawtuckaway pond and carries off your spotter. I mean, you've seen Alien vs. Predator, right? How do you think you'd do in Alien vs. Predator vs. Starship Trooper Insecto-Frekazoid vs. shanedms?
Not so well, I'm thinking.
Allez. $5 on Predator...sorry dude. Homard.
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booger
Oct 24, 2005, 11:22 AM
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Noob,
While bouldering this weekend, I made a VERY important discovery. The only people who were sending any problems had tattoos. The cooler the tattoo, the harder the send! So if I want to send V2 do I get a marijuana leaf tattooed on my neck, or would it be more rad to get a tribal drawing of Sharma's forearm on my back? And what if I decide to climb trad later - will I have to get a ham sammie cover-up of Sharma's forearm?
I am also thinking about piercing my nipple with a biner. Would I have to climb sport if I did that?
Taz
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heiko
Oct 24, 2005, 11:54 AM
Post #619 of 977
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Registered: Mar 3, 2005
Posts: 1505
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In reply to: Noob, While bouldering this weekend, I made a VERY important discovery. The only people who were sending any problems had tattoos. The cooler the tattoo, the harder the send! So if I want to send V2 do I get a marijuana leaf tattooed on my neck, or would it be more rad to get a tribal drawing of Sharma's forearm on my back? And what if I decide to climb trad later - will I have to get a ham sammie cover-up of Sharma's forearm? I am also thinking about piercing my nipple with a biner. Would I have to climb sport if I did that? Taz
Dear Taz,
First of all, we have to know the following: if you already have tattoes... did you send, and can you provide detailed picture coverage of the tattoes?
About the piercing issue: if you only sport climb you'd have to bolt your nipple. A biner should be generally acceptable. If you later decide to only boulder, you'd have to replace the biner with a chalkball, though.
H.
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nebkhat
Oct 24, 2005, 1:27 PM
Post #620 of 977
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Registered: Oct 18, 2005
Posts: 5
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Dear Mr. nOOb,
I read on an internet site (don't remember which one perhaps a porn site) that to become a great climber one must visualize the climb before making the ascent. I have sat at the bottom of a few 5.12 in the lotus position. I have found that after my meditation I had a difficult time working my way up the rock. The visuals are perfect and very realistic. I meditate in bare feet so my visualization is in the bare feet. I am running out of tape rolls and the local drug store has refused to sell me any more. Do you recommend I use duct tape or should I give in and purchase a set of those 40 degree shoes that you mentioned? Thanks in advanced
Nebkhat
"The human mind is the most powerful thing that it can perceive"
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donkey
Oct 24, 2005, 3:52 PM
Post #621 of 977
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Registered: Oct 24, 2005
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dear mr or mrs n00b, i am new to this website, but i have noticed that pictures that are mediocre at best often get the best rating and other photos that are good are lost in the many inundated pages of new pictures. i can't vote on pictures since i am so new, so i guess my opinion doesn't really count, but i did find this interesting. your thoughts?
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subtle
Oct 27, 2005, 3:26 AM
Post #622 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: Dear N00b, Maybe this has already been covered, but I need musical advice. Surely listening to the proper tunes before getting to the crag would up my sending abilities? For example, would a little Snoop Doggy Dogg help me get that elusive send of the juggy madness of Leggo My Prana (V0-)? Perhaps Jimi Hendrix would get me up the nasty trad testpiece Epics & Ham (5.4+)?
A music question?!? No frigging way! Inconceivable! Once I stop pretending to be reeling from shock, I'll totally get right on it...
...ok, I'm on it.
Music is a really, really tricky thing. There are, of course, the essentials. No true cragmobile is complete without...at the minimum...some terminally scratched-up, scorchingly illegal downloaded-from-a-pr0n-server-in-Lagos CDs of American Beauty, Aenima and A Picture of Nectar. Personally, if the driver can't display a near-mint copy of S.C.I.E.N.C.E., I'd rather walk to Rumney.
A minor problem arises, though, when your max-amp CD O'sendage happens to be your partner's Uber-Buzzkill and Demotivation Mix. To avoid getting dropped on your head because your Pink Floyd sampler has sucked the will to live...and raise their arms...out of your spotter, I have prepared a brief mix-n-match tutorial.
Phish-heads really like...wait for it...Phish. All non-Phish music will savagely harsh out their mellow and make them require a cruelty-free chai latte and herbal self-medication before they can y'know, send you positive energy at the crux, yo. Hey, you might need it...
Trad climbers seem to prefer that their music and gear come from approximately the same era...which is terribly useful, if you think of it. I'd have no problem whipping onto a String Cheese Incident fan's cam placement. I'm not going to be terribly happy running it out above some sketchy nuts that my Bob Seeger pal found in the parking lot at Yosemite...even if he swears it's bomber...like a rooooock. If your partner for the day happens to be humming the Brandonberg Concerto as he flakes out the goldline rope and starts de-rusting his pitons...well...it was nice knowing you, brah.
A sport climber is just going to play the same Euro-funken-kraft-nitzer-werke tape that's all the rage in Brussels or Cologne and is all like beep boop boop...cheep beep boop...beep boop boop...for like an hour. If you get really lucky, some asexual voice will interrupt the synth track every nine minutes or so to intone "Maquereau". Rock me, Amadeus.
Ice climbers have been known to sit in a dark room and listen to tape recordings of a file endlessly honing a Quark Ergo. Skreetch...skreetch...skreeetch...it helps past the time until you...errr, get your murder on, yo.
Ah, and now the wildcard...the boulderers. A boulderer is, paradoxically, just as likely to have a Bavarian polka playing on his iPod as a phatty Boo-Yaa Tribe joint or a 190 beat-per-minute Death Metal Hatestravaganza. It's so hard being alternative these days, you see, that sometimes the only way to stand out is to be...boring.
It's not working for me, mind you...
Allez. Who ganked my Abba 8-Track? Homard.
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cheekemonkey
Oct 27, 2005, 12:00 PM
Post #623 of 977
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Registered: Aug 1, 2005
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In reply to: - Everybody listens to Phish, obviously, because it's genius...and the edgy, rad people listen to Mr. Bungle...but the full-on freak-job uber-Pimpmeisters listen to Rasputina. You think Jason Kehl got like that with some Abba 8-tracks? Ahhhhh, no. - Peanut butter is the new hotness, but fear not Swineophiles, Ham is here to stay. Why? Like Rasputina and Firefly, Peanut butter is being hyped by the 17 year old bouldering crowd.
WOW... I am so inspired now! As soon as give birth I am hitting the rock again, since I have both a Rasputina cd and a lifetime stock of peanut butter in our home.
Also, wanted to add that my husband has improved from climbing 5.10s to starting 5.12Bs(?) in under a year. When he trains on his homemade woody (heh-heh woody) he only listens to TOOL and A Perfect Circle. Coincidence?
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subtle
Oct 28, 2005, 2:25 AM
Post #624 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: While bouldering this weekend, I made a VERY important discovery. The only people who were sending any problems had tattoos. The cooler the tattoo, the harder the send! So if I want to send V2 do I get a marijuana leaf tattooed on my neck, or would it be more rad to get a tribal drawing of Sharma's forearm on my back? And what if I decide to climb trad later - will I have to get a ham sammie cover-up of Sharma's forearm?
Nah, nah, nah...I have a much better idea. Get a tattoo of Sharma's forearms on...your forearms! Granted, they'd probably have to re-scale it a little for you...unless you're like...I dunno, a professional arm-wrestler or a...errr, stress-ball quality control tester...but that'd totally blow people's minds. Think of the reactions. Some dope pimp would come around the corner with his posse of boyzz and be all like "Hey watch me take off my shirt and style this easy V2 thing that the girl is on as my warmup...I won't even take off my sandals...c'mon it'll be cool and OH DEAR GOD, LOOK AT HER FOREARMS! She's like some sort of freak-job Gorilla Woman! She's actually crushing the jugs down into crimpers. I think I can hear the rock weeping. I want no part of this! Quick, back to the Starbucks! Run away, run away!" Man, what's cooler than that?
Nothing, yo.
Allez. Get your send on, Gorilla Girl. Homard.
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suprdude22
Oct 28, 2005, 3:44 AM
Post #625 of 977
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Registered: Aug 18, 2005
Posts: 64
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Dear NOOB,
I was climbing with a group of my buddies, in a gym of course, and we were having what is called a "Dynamo" contest. If you haven't heard Dynamos are the coolest moves in climbing, but only experts should attempt them. A Dynamo is when you hold on to a hold and use your feet and jump as hard as you can to a big hold above you, mostly so you can impress your friends with your abilities. What Im wondering is...I was participating in this Dynamo Contest and I was attempting to jump to a hold when my hands slipped off of the hold and I punched myself in the crotch. Being a male, this really hurt. Not to mention my friends no longer think Im the best climber in the gym. How can I keep myself from doing something like that again when I Dynamo? Thanks for the help.
Mike
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viciado
Oct 28, 2005, 4:04 PM
Post #626 of 977
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Registered: May 9, 2003
Posts: 429
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I humbly suggest that you try giving them the FINGER
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suprdude22
Oct 28, 2005, 6:00 PM
Post #627 of 977
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Registered: Aug 18, 2005
Posts: 64
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Now that is a product I could use. I bet all of my buddies would give me MAD props for using stuff like that. Im sure my status as best climber in the gym would totally be restored. I may even try to use them when I go climb in a comp. I bet those guys would think I was awesome too. Thanks for the recommendation. They will be a perfect match for all of my awesome MAD Rock products. Lata.
Mike
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chitowngirl
Oct 30, 2005, 3:04 PM
Post #628 of 977
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Registered: Nov 5, 2004
Posts: 140
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Oh Maha-Noob,
I have a very serious problem.
I like to lead when the leading is easy going. But when it gets a little tough I tend to freak out and cry like the little girl I am for my mommy to come and lower me.
My question is not how to get over my fear so this won't happen, but rather one of image. I want to be seen as a hardcore climber chic. My tendency to scream, cry and bail undermines this desire. How can I continue to get scared and bail without seeming like I am getting scared and bailing?
Eagerly awaiting your advice.
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subtle
Oct 31, 2005, 3:16 AM
Post #629 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: I have a very serious problem. I like to lead when the leading is easy going. But when it gets a little tough I tend to freak out and cry like the little girl I am for my mommy to come and lower me. My question is not how to get over my fear so this won't happen, but rather one of image. I want to be seen as a hardcore climber chic. My tendency to scream, cry and bail undermines this desire. How can I continue to get scared and bail without seeming like I am getting scared and bailing?
Hmmmm, I suppose lots of folks would suggest you to curl up on the couch with a New-Age kinda self-help book and a half-caf mocha latte and...y'know...just get into a good headspace with yourself.
Ahhhh...I would not be one of those folks.
Changing your self-image can be a long and painful introspective voyage, which is great if you have a lot of free time, some Enya CDs and...I dunno...a sackful of sandalwood tea candles or something. Rather, I suggest you follow the lead of all the top professional climbers these days and add another member to your crag posse...along with your pad sherpa, assistant rope flakemeister, Red-Bull liason and the Director of Chalk & Chalkbag Resources.
You need to hire a Spin Doctor.
C'mon, you've definately seen...or at the very least heard...them at work. That guy or girl just kinda hanging around the periphery, eating a clif bar and casually letting all of the passerby know that the dude on the proj is...like...on his sixth day on in a row...and his tips are totally blown out...and he desperately needs to resole on his V10s, 'cause he's grabbing at nubbins with his toes, yo. Don't believe me? Peep this...
Bail all over the route? She's working a project way over her head, trying to push her skills to a whole 'nother level. Scream gibberish as you ditch off the crux? See how committed she was to that move! Weep uncontrollably and soil yourself? This route really means a lot to her.
Man, I was there...it was the most inspiring thing I've ever seen.
Allez. You rock. Homard.
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subtle
Nov 2, 2005, 2:27 AM
Post #630 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: I was participating in this Dynamo Contest and I was attempting to jump to a hold when my hands slipped off of the hold and I punched myself in the crotch. Being a male, this really hurt. Not to mention my friends no longer think Im the best climber in the gym. How can I keep myself from doing something like that again when I Dynamo? Thanks for the help.
It's a darn shame that this isn't Ask The NOOB About Kung Fu, because if it was...I'd get to lay out some dope Zen Master Sensei routine where I'd have you training by getting repeatedely punched in the crotch by a wizened monk-like bouderer who would alternately scream 'You are neither Biggie nor Smoothie!' and...wow...that's damn creepy, even for me...ahhh, ignore that paragraph...
Ok, so how to not blow your street cred by jacking yourself in the beanbag while bouldering...which is, believe it or not, a surprisingly common occurence in the gym. The usual culprit is the Invisible Mystery Hold...yeah, Mr. Ice Pack on the gibblies, I'm talking to you...the giant chalk-encrusted four-foot day-glo purple and orange stalactite that mysteriously appeared as if by magic on route in the milliseconds between the launch of your dyno and the crushing collision with your...errr, junk. As you dispense with the mandatory grovelling and the optional weeping and vomiting, savor the choruses of "whoa"..."Sick, dude"...and "I think there's a testicle over there by the coke machine".
So...ummmm...watch out for the giant chalk-encrusted four-foot day-glo purple and orange stalactite, brah. Seriously. It's killed before...
Allez. Your testicle is in lost & found. Homard.
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subtle
Nov 4, 2005, 3:49 AM
Post #631 of 977
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In reply to: i guess my opinion doesn't really count, but i did find this interesting. your thoughts?
You guess? Of course your opinion doesn't count...by definition nobody with two posts has anything of value to say. Sheesh, I mean, what have you been wasting your time on...climbing? Like that's going to get you anywhere...
You need a confidence builder, brah...something to make you feel good about yourself as a...disembodied electronic presence transmitted across an anonymous digital medium...and...errrrr, as a person, too...I guess. Instead of toddling off to the ashram for a high colonic and some consciousness centering chi-chanting, I'd suggest something a little more...well, no...a little less...colonic.
Ok, here's the plan...go seek out every one-post uber-NOOB you can find and flame...troll...and errr, flametroll...the hell out of them. Let your two-post Jedi Master wisdom rain down in a torrent of esoteric jargon, third-hand mis-attributed supporting quotations, and completely fabricated giberish. If you do it right, by the end of your posts even you won't know what you're talking about. Then, administer the coup de grace with a snappy catch phrase...
Allez. Kinda like this. Homard.
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gamehendge
Nov 4, 2005, 5:06 AM
Post #632 of 977
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Registered: Jun 2, 2004
Posts: 398
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In reply to: In reply to: I've noticed that while working any proj I have at least thirteen entire species of insects sucking my blood. Now, if I could induce them to all beat their wings in unison, I'm sure the extra lift would allow me to send some sic...um, wicked proj. Know any mosquito mind control tricks? Should I earn their respect, or rule through fear? Oh brother, you totally don't want that. In addition to instantly getting called on a lift-assist bug dab by your boyz, getting intentionally bitten by more than one New England mosquito...aka, the State Bird of New Hampshire...is really tempting fate. You can slather on all the 200% DEET you want, brah, but just wait until some Starship Troopers insecto-freakazoid crawls out of the Pawtuckaway pond and carries off your spotter. I mean, you've seen Alien vs. Predator, right? How do you think you'd do in Alien vs. Predator vs. Starship Trooper Insecto-Frekazoid vs. shanedms? Not so well, I'm thinking. Allez. $5 on Predator...sorry dude. Homard.
LMAO. GENIUS.
Now back to my 60 gig IPOD w/ the "Life is Good" stickers. I can only fit 2 shows but it's the a bootleg of the Big Cypress 2000 shows. Yo.
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gamehendge
Nov 4, 2005, 5:14 AM
Post #633 of 977
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Registered: Jun 2, 2004
Posts: 398
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In reply to: In reply to: Dear N00b, Maybe this has already been covered, but I need musical advice. Surely listening to the proper tunes before getting to the crag would up my sending abilities? For example, would a little Snoop Doggy Dogg help me get that elusive send of the juggy madness of Leggo My Prana (V0-)? Perhaps Jimi Hendrix would get me up the nasty trad testpiece Epics & Ham (5.4+)? A music question?!? No frigging way! Inconceivable! Once I stop pretending to be reeling from shock, I'll totally get right on it... ...ok, I'm on it. Music is a really, really tricky thing. There are, of course, the essentials. No true cragmobile is complete without...at the minimum...some terminally scratched-up, scorchingly illegal downloaded-from-a-pr0n-server-in-Lagos CDs of American Beauty, Aenima and A Picture of Nectar. Personally, if the driver can't display a near-mint copy of S.C.I.E.N.C.E., I'd rather walk to Rumney. A minor problem arises, though, when your max-amp CD O'sendage happens to be your partner's Uber-Buzzkill and Demotivation Mix. To avoid getting dropped on your head because your Pink Floyd sampler has sucked the will to live...and raise their arms...out of your spotter, I have prepared a brief mix-n-match tutorial. Phish-heads really like...wait for it...Phish. All non-Phish music will savagely harsh out their mellow and make them require a cruelty-free chai latte and herbal self-medication before they can y'know, send you positive energy at the crux, yo. Hey, you might need it... Trad climbers seem to prefer that their music and gear come from approximately the same era...which is terribly useful, if you think of it. I'd have no problem whipping onto a String Cheese Incident fan's cam placement. I'm not going to be terribly happy running it out above some sketchy nuts that my Bob Seeger pal found in the parking lot at Yosemite...even if he swears it's bomber... like a rooooock. If your partner for the day happens to be humming the Brandonberg Concerto as he flakes out the goldline rope and starts de-rusting his pitons...well...it was nice knowing you, brah. A sport climber is just going to play the same Euro-funken-kraft-nitzer-werke tape that's all the rage in Brussels or Cologne and is all like beep boop boop...cheep beep boop...beep boop boop...for like an hour. If you get really lucky, some asexual voice will interrupt the synth track every nine minutes or so to intone "Maquereau". Rock me, Amadeus. Ice climbers have been known to sit in a dark room and listen to tape recordings of a file endlessly honing a Quark Ergo. Skreetch...skreetch...skreeetch...it helps past the time until you...errr, get your murder on, yo. Ah, and now the wildcard...the boulderers. A boulderer is, paradoxically, just as likely to have a Bavarian polka playing on his iPod as a phatty Boo-Yaa Tribe joint or a 190 beat-per-minute Death Metal Hatestravaganza. It's so hard being alternative these days, you see, that sometimes the only way to stand out is to be...boring. It's not working for me, mind you... Allez. Who ganked my Abba 8-Track? Homard.
LMAO. GENIUS.
Now back to my 60 gig IPOD w/ the "Life is Good" stickers. I can only fit 2 shows but it's the a bootleg of the Big Cypress 2000 shows. Yo. :lol:
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rasken
Nov 4, 2005, 7:08 AM
Post #634 of 977
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Registered: Apr 6, 2005
Posts: 15
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Hey NOOB!
Me again, the freak you provided with some insightful advice on page 39 on filling out my harness. Well, solved that problem actually. Turns out I had the harness on all wrong. Feel pretty stupid about it now, but a friendly type at the crag showed me how it was supposed to be used, so I've got that fixed. Head in one of the small loops, left arm in the big one, and left leg in the other small one. Guess I should've figured that out by myself, huh?
Anyway, after reading your helpful reply I decided against the steroids. The ligament thing doesn't sound too good, and I've already got hair all over and zero sex drive. Basically, I probably don't need it. Then I zeroed in on the extra info in your post: Your informational source! Heck, if he can give you advice he must know pretty much, well, everything!
So I proceeded to shoot pool cleaner up my ass. I figured I should do that for a couple of weeks to let it kick in, but already after the second shot I got this feeling that it was working. Could be my lower intestine disintegrating of course, but life's too short to worry.
Went on to try the bench pressing of a Subaru, which brings me to my question:
Could you come by with a tow truck and give me a hand? I've been stuck under a Subaru for three weeks now, and I'm getting hungry!
Humbly,
/rasken
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subtle
Nov 7, 2005, 5:41 AM
Post #635 of 977
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In reply to: The Ask The NOOB Digest: 1. Series Pilot 2. Spend lots of money on gear and you'll climb 5.13 3. Eat relish packets and masturbate frequently to send V10. 4. Filming yourself is easy, filming yourself with Paris Hilton is easier. 5. Boulderers never get laid. 6. Safe climbers die in horrible accidents, oblivious gumbs live forever. 7. If you can't do something right, make up a new term for what you did and pretend you meant it. 8. Slippers are the coolest shoes, and gangrene is the coolest side effect. 9. Climbing injuries are frequently nature's way of saying you're special. 10. Slackliners are boulderes who couldn't handle the high-stress lifestyle. 11. The only reason to ice climb is to practice for serial murdering. 12. You aren't going to climb anything without Ninja skills. 13. Noobs only listen to other noobs, and Justin Timberlake. 14. Gear allocation means buying more gear after you misuse what you have. 15. Grades are in your head, and in your guidebook...so buy some whiteout and a pen and send V13 16. Boulderers have poor oral hygene. Women love this. 17. Use the force to find your climbing style. That, and a gear catalog. 18. It's all about style, and if you don't have any, go buy some. 19. People who claim to like outdoor climbing are liars or insane masochists. 20. Adding difficulty to trad by eating more food on-route. 21. Go! Lobster! 22. French people are silly, yet women love them because they do not boulder. 23. Can you escape being 1/2 french? Not without a lightsaber battle. 24. Bolt guns directly lead to spandex sales. I hate spandex. 25. Smoking dope pays much less than being sponsored. 26. Belaying gloves are weak. Belaying oven mitts are rad. 27. You can climb cement highway barriers, but your spotter will get run over. 28. Top roping El Cap presents no logisitical problems whatsoever. 29. Impressing women climbers is easy, unless you're a boulderer. 30. Climbers can't agree on anything, except hating on the french. 31. Climbing is like Jenga, except when it's like monpoly or tic-tac-toe. 32. The more expensive and painful your shoes, the poorer and hurtinger you shall be. 33. Your parents will love your climber boyfriend. 34. Nobody loves boulderers. Even their dogs are only in it to meet sport climbers. 35. If you love your climber boyfriend, van life is pretty sweet. 36. I write for TV...those infomercials don't write themselves. 37. Two harnesses are better than one, at making you look dumb. 38. Retirement post. I'll miss you all. 39. Unretirement post. Suggest spin off column, Date The NOOB. Response...not so favorable. 40. Looking good = climbing hard, as far as people know. 41. Literature reccomendations for the discerning boulderer. 42. Aid climbers are perverts, possibly evil undead monsters. 43. My superbowl halftime show. Regrettably little nudity. 44. If you can't be a good skinny climber, be a great obese climber. 45. Spraylording is almost as good as knowing people and climbing things. 46. If you bring the wrong beer to the crag, you're signing your own death warrant...in beer. 47. More dating advice from the man who has never been on a date. Good thinking, people! 48. Crashpad decorations as insant street cred upper. Get your doodle on. 49. The ham sandwich is the soul of the trad climber. Your soul wants some mayo. 50. Personal ad advice...since I can reel 'em in with the best of them. 51. Nobody clowns the NOOB, nobody. 52. The rules of Boulder Club. Brad Pitt begs for admission. 53. NOOB comes from the latin for 'damn sexy'. 54. Popular topics of boulderer conversation. Amazing that Sharma is only one of them. 55. Quality control survey. Quality plummets as a result. 56. How to size your shoes. Think small, think ow. 57. Someone wierder than me posts, I can't believe it and freak out. 58. Wearing a trad rack leads to stalking. 59. Begin pondering of Ham Freezing question. 60. I hate harnesses so much, you'd think they come from france. 61. Ham can Freeze. Send the nobel prize this way, boys. 62. I love Feral Raccoon, oh yes I do. 63. New fashion steezos for your inner pimp. 64. If you can carry your trad rack by yourself, it's puny and you are not a man, unless you're a woman, in which case you are also not a man, but for different reasons. 65. If the Ham is calling to you, do not resist. You'll just sprain something. 66. Helium will not get you high, unless sounding like a chipmunk gets you high, that is. 67. Vocabulary lessons for boulderers that can't read...ie, all of us. 68. Another wierdo, another wierdo mocked. My job is done here. 69. Rating adjustment scale. Now you know what your really sent. 70. User names to attract the ladies...or men pretending to be ladies. 71. Go metric, young lass, and your sends are automatically .77 harder. 72. Big Ball O' Sexy. 73. Pimp My NOOB pilot. 74. Feral Raccoon taunts me with her genius, I respond timidly, like the infant I am. 75. Survey of men who would like to date F.R. Survey says...all. 76. Boulderers are allergic to rope. It burns! 77. I tease Feral Raccoon with knowledge of The Purple Way. 78. Things not to buy on eBay. 79. Partners are made of lunch meat. 80. This one right here. Ask The NOOB - Season Two DVD Box Set 81. The NOOB climbs outside. By climbs, we mean falls badly...often. 82. Shirt drag is the silent send killer. 83. Easy-Bake gym excuses, just add water. Makes its own sauce! 84. Hyper-Time Zygote Boy writes in from the 6th dimension. 85. Your dog should look like you, so you have to buy him a beanie. 86. Trading sex for gear. What can I get for my toothbrush?!? 87. Taking your pet snake climbing. What could go wrong? 88. I'm not going to tell you how to poop, no matter how many times you ask. 89. It's the rope monkeys, I tell you. 90. I continue to hit on Feral Raccoon. Results...not so good. 91. The new Rack Diamond Plumber Cam reviewed. 5 plungers! 92. If you want to rock the crag, here's your role model, boys. 93. I explain how to climb 5.24a using physics. Possible calculation errors. 94. Why climb when you can spray? In the gym. You're so cool... 95. I phone one in. Next! 96. When the ice melts, it's all about lumberjack challenge. 97. (gasp!) The NOOB asked a question? Huh? 98. I'm not going anywhere. I have nowhere to go. So there. 99. I explain reproduction. There is some guessing involved. 100. My biography. I seem much cooler online, I must say... 101. Someone offers me a job...what's a job? 102. Imaginary climbing partners are poor spotters, but good listeners. 103. Lawyers don't climb, and charlie don't surf. 104. How to deal with having a hot climber girlfriend. Once again, I'm guessing a lot. 105. Altitude sickness, it'll get you. 106. Today's fat pathetic sporto is tomorrows sleek and virile traddie. 107. Prehistoric climbing. Yabba Dabba Dude, Yo. 108. There's no candy at the top of The Mandala. You can stop trying now. 109. Being sponsored by Land 'O Lakes is much cooler than Dred Chili. 110. You can still attract women wearing a hockey mask. They might be...odd...though. 111. I pretend to be a sport climber, my lack of rope is a giveaway. 112. Stymied by logic, I surrender. 113. Selecting gym music. Get your polka on, brah. 114. It's all about Maynard. 115. If you're going to fall badly, may as well scream loud so people know to watch. 116. Mixing trad and sport leads to undead zombification. Duh! 117. It's not a helmet, it's a hardshell beanie. 118. How to slackline. Dirty, Lazy, Unemployed and balanced...in short. 119. There's an ill sesh going down in Middle Earth, yo. 120. I dare the gear industry to give me free stuff to break. Reponse...muted. 121. It's all a question of perspective...and I have none...what was the question? 122. I help someone with gear selection and Tool Lyrics. I should also write his obit, for the complete package. 123. Sandwich ethics. 124. Ask the NOOB is written by evil robots. So, now you know. 125. If one toothbrush is good, 47 is pretty frigging dope, yo! 126. I double dare the gear industry. They are unimpressed. 127. Sticker advice for your Nalgene. I'll get a MENSA card for this one... 128. Sharma vs. Vader...too close to call. 129. How to make your head less tasty. 130. Soloing is like a sonnet...of impending deckosity. 131. The NOOB gets all flustered. 132. Where do boulderers come from? 133. Dating your gear is ok...in Crazy Town. 134. Italians are like Diet Coke. 135. Boulderer reproduction, Fact or Fiction? 136. Season 2 Box Set.
Ask The NOOB - Clinging To Relevance Season 3 Collectors Edition
137. It's good to be a "Tree Climbing Spank From Flatville"...I think.
138. How to Trad Climb with Women...I've done none of those words.
139. Extreme Urban Alpine Climbing...because Unextreme sounds so defeatist.
140. Deep water buildering is the future of a silly, silly sport.
141. If you don't die, you've got a bright future in climbing.
142. 1/2 a trad climber = fat or weak, but not both.
143. How to tell if you have a tiny weener. Finally, my area of expertise...
144. 'Nuts' jokes...do they ever get old? Not yet, at any rate.
145. Hair care tips for people that always wear beanies. Not a long post.
146. Ladies dig the post count. Imaginary ones do, at any rate.
147. How to gear up for your expedition...to the gym.
148. Local ethics should dictate bread choice for your ham sandy.
149. I critique an anchor set-up. This could go...poorly.
150. Can you anchor a top rope to a deer. Well, if it's ok with the deer...
151. If you ask 10 questions, you get 1 bad answer.
152. Teleporting past the crux is...not the purest style.
153. Ask The NOOB is like the clown car at the circus.
154. Strength through self-gratification.
155. Stretching a rope does not make it twice as good, but it may make you twice as dead.
156. The Witness (the Fitness) Protection Program.
157. Rope handling techniques explained by a boulderer who doesn't even have laces on his shoes.
158. Subliminal messages about Lee.
159. Why do you people doubt that I'm a bad climber?!?
160. Crash pad retrospective.
161. Hello, I'm not home, please leave a message.
162. Vegetarian Ham Sandwiches...why? Seriously, why?
163. Do bruises make you cooler? No, they make you hurtier.
164. Someone offers to have my children. I freak right out.
165. Automotive detailing advice.
166. Ask The NOOB moves to Houston. Yee-haw?
167. Goodbye New England.
168. Houston Beta. It's flat, hot, and...that's about it.
169. You too can have an Ask The NOOB autographed photo. By why would you want one?
170. Guy climbing vs. Girl climbing. I know nothing about either, really.
171. Ways to pump up your post count on-route.
172. Ask the NOOB will never die. If you just breathed a sigh of relief, seek help.
173. Scream training. Pretty standard, really.
174. If you have to choose between rad shoes and rad hair, hairspray is waaaay cheaper.
175. Big Rack with Steeze...'nuff said.
176. The problems of grading a route that happens to be a...tree.
177. Covering yourself in chalk is a life decision, like any other.
178. We're years away from a cure for CCWC, but your donations won't help.
179. Paper clips + Rubber Bands = tiny quickdraws + certain death
180. Programming notes.
181. The question I didn't see coming...even when I just re-read it.
182. A beer question. Yet another area of conjecture.
183. Awoooh! Were-Boulderers of New England!
184. Hello, I'm not home fleeing a hurricane, please leave a message.
185. Heh heh heh, he said wood.
186. Style advice from the guy wearing pants his mom picked out for him.
187. Boulderers on steroids would bulk up to 114lbs. You're huge, brah.
188. My pita knife still hasn't come in the mail.
189. Bouldering without a crashpad isn't the smartest thing you could be doing.
190. Replace chalk with peanut butter. Genius!
191. What's cool right now. Too late, you missed it.
192. Why ice climbing might not be for you. Or any sane person.
193. Vegas, I love Vegas. Oh, you said Vegans.
194. If Tool were a problem, what kind of problem would they be?
195. Climbing magazines will help you climb...if you stand on them.
196. Don't click the link! Don't do it! Doooon't!
197. Bug-dab explained.
198. beep boop boop...cheep beep boop
199. Get your send on, Gorilla Girl.
200. Why change yourself when you can hire someone to change everyone else?
201. How to not bash your junk on things. Honestly, people need help with this?
202. Post count = social relevance...to people with a higher post count than you.
203. Season 3 index page.
For a limited time only, you too can Ask The NOOB a climbing related question and...if there's nothing good on TV at the moment...receive a custom written reply that may or may not be funny absolutely free of charge. It's a bargain at twice the price...which would...ummm, still be zero...nevermind.
Allez. Ok, I have nothing better to do, so time isn't that limited. Homard.
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justineus
Nov 8, 2005, 5:53 PM
Post #636 of 977
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I stand in awe of your... NOOB-osity, and wish only to say this: Thanks.
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zao479
Nov 10, 2005, 6:54 AM
Post #637 of 977
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Now that it is unanimous that you have posted the greatest thread ever, and seeing that you are from the United States, are you then an official US Post Master :?: :shock:
Allez. Beware of Dog Homard.
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litleclimberchick
Nov 10, 2005, 4:06 PM
Post #638 of 977
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In reply to: Now that it is unanimous that you have posted the greatest thread ever, and seeing that you are from the United States, are you then an official US Post Master :?: :shock: Allez. Beware of Dog Homard.
really...i have never seen a athread that long before. truly amazing!
:D
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deserteaglle
Nov 10, 2005, 5:08 PM
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Well NOOB, you've answered almost all the questions that could be asked, except maybe for this one.
After you're previous advice I have the style down, and my street cred is through the roof due to my bouldering numerous V0s without a crashpad AND without ending up at the bottom clutching my scratched knee to my chest crying. So definitely in climbing circles it is known that I am a pimp, however the lifestyle is affecting my life outside the climbing circles (by life I mean work at McDonalds).
You see I am right handed, so I use my right arm to hang with and all that while I am resting six feet up on a nasty V0+. Plus I do wicked one arm pullups with only my right arm. So you can imagine just how amazingly ripped my right forearm is. But so many ham sandwiches has really affected my gut, and since I don't do any core training now, I look like Iswallowed a basketball, or at least a small baby.
So though I can pull down like a mofo, I look like your average McDonalds employee who is addicted to internet porn and candy bars.
Please Help.
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shanz
Nov 11, 2005, 1:32 AM
Post #640 of 977
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So ive decided to give up sport climbing and go pure tradist. I got me some springy things and some nuts. I went out last weekend and got my send on. heres my delima. I went trad climbing two weeks ago and nailed this sweet 5.3 i had a ham sammy with me. So i figured why just one? I brought a whole loaf of bread and a block of ham the following weekend and got up a 5.5. (granted i hung on every piece and they were only 6 inches apart, (but i would nailed the red point if it handn't been for the fact i had to stop and have a smoke and a beer after i placed a piece) So i was thinking maybe if i by a pig, a big knife, and 10 loafs of bread do you think i could trad climb a 5.7
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subtle
Nov 14, 2005, 4:03 AM
Post #641 of 977
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In reply to: You see I am right handed, so I use my right arm to hang with and all that while I am resting six feet up on a nasty V0+. Plus I do wicked one arm pullups with only my right arm. So you can imagine just how amazingly ripped my right forearm is. But so many ham sandwiches has really affected my gut, and since I don't do any core training now, I look like Iswallowed a basketball, or at least a small baby. So though I can pull down like a mofo, I look like your average McDonalds employee who is addicted to internet porn and candy bars. Please Help.
Bro, you posess one of the most potent weapons in any climber's arsenal...and you don't even know it. All that blubber you're toting around will give you ultimate core strength...well, ok...ultimate fat-torque, at any rate. Any pilates-ed out yogaphile will tell you...frequently, believe me...that dope core is the key to bouldering hard...and it doesn't get any doper than paying people at the gym to put your shoes on for you because you can't bend at the waist. Seriously, which would you rather do to build the torso torsional rigidity necessary to span the ill moves on the proj...crank 5000 leg raises or eat 5000 calories?
Don't think too hard...Ben & Jerry's closes soon.
Allez. Watch out for landsharks, your blubber is tasty. Homard.
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squid
Nov 14, 2005, 9:27 PM
Post #642 of 977
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Registered: Dec 22, 2003
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Dear Noob,
Why is it that we really don't see many dirtbaggers around today, and the one's that do claim to be have some of the most expensive gear. If you don't know maybe the "Piss Guy" might.
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philbox
Moderator
Nov 14, 2005, 11:04 PM
Post #643 of 977
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Dear NOOB,
When will we see your debut in the mainstream mags. If you do in fact become part of the establishment will you still frequent this thread.
NOOB forevah.
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subtle
Nov 15, 2005, 2:37 AM
Post #644 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: So ive decided to give up sport climbing and go pure tradist. I got me some springy things and some nuts. I went out last weekend and got my send on. heres my delima. I went trad climbing two weeks ago and nailed this sweet 5.3 i had a ham sammy with me. So i figured why just one? I brought a whole loaf of bread and a block of ham the following weekend and got up a 5.5. (granted i hung on every piece and they were only 6 inches apart, (but i would nailed the red point if it handn't been for the fact i had to stop and have a smoke and a beer after i placed a piece) So i was thinking maybe if i by a pig, a big knife, and 10 loafs of bread do you think i could trad climb a 5.7
So, just to review your gear for the home audience:
1 pig
1 big knife
10 loaves of bread
springy things
nuts
beer
smokes
...that looks like a good shopping list for a barbecue, brah...which means that it is exactly right for trad climbing. The thing I like best about your rack it it's amazing versatility...it's the true go anywhere, climb anything rig. Bread is totally the cutting-edge pro of the future...it conforms to irregular features much better than copperheads, is easier for the second...or some birds...to clean off the route, and goes much better with peanut butter and jelly. Seriously, you ever try to eat a piton? Ill, yo. You've got your pig to use as a toprope anchor...if there's no deer around, natch...or as a belayer...or a super-chock for giant offwidths...or, errrr, ribs. Just don't, y'know, eat him while you're on belay, bro. You've got your beer & smokes to amp up your hard man cred in the parking lot, and some...jangly metal crap...to hang off your harness...y'know...like a windchime. Shiny!
You're ready. Get your send on, broham.
Allez. You got me, Porky? Homard.
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sublimeclimb
Nov 15, 2005, 10:44 PM
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I think I'm going to frame your Ask the Noob Digest and give it to you as a christmas gift. Actually, I'll make a copy for my wall as well.
I am wondering if perhaps you should conduct a scientific study examining the effects of ham sandwich consumption on gut size... it seems like your advice may have some far-reaching implications for human health and, well, divorce rates...
see you in Colorado, brah!
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subtle
Nov 16, 2005, 5:51 AM
Post #646 of 977
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In reply to: Dear Noob, Why is it that we really don't see many dirtbaggers around today, and the one's that do claim to be have some of the most expensive gear. If you don't know maybe the "Piss Guy" might.
Well, you're certainly welcome to address your questions to whomever you like...but Ask The Piss Guy never really took off, as far as I know. People were reluctant to let him use their computers at the WiFi Hotspot at Starbucks to post up, for some reason...anyhow...
There are still plenty of dirtbaggers about, but the percentage of them relative to the overall climber population is dropping precipitously...as you have quite correctly noticed. The National Geographic Society in conjuction with The Access Bund and a consortium of...errr...ahhh, buildering shoe manufacturers....has done a long-term study to try to understand this perplexing phenomenon. Despite the myriad difficulties involved in attaching ear tags to Boulderers to track their seasonal migration and...yeah, right...mating habits, and the need to helicopter tranquilize Trad climbers so they can be heaved aboard industrial truck scales and weighed...they have determined the single limiting factor on the growth of the Dirtbag Population.
The available supply of day-old bread.
You may be laughing...or frantically e-mailing The Piss Guy...but it's true. No static population can support more than a certain number of members without exhausting all available resources...and if you're trying to squeeze out 3 years on the road for $197.36, eating moderately stale bagels three times a day is the only way to fly. Heck, if Westfalia Van grade gasoline doesn't drop below $2.25 a gallon soon, scientists are concerned that some determined climbers might turn to cannibalism rather than pay the extra $0.04 for the non-moldy sack of bear claws at Schatts in Bishop.
And you know they've got knives...see a couple of posts back, brah. I totally wouldn't want to be his swiney belayer, that's for damn sure...
Allez. Poor Larry, he tasted like...bagel. Homard.
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squid
Nov 16, 2005, 7:49 AM
Post #647 of 977
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Maybe all we really need is the Mom and Pop resturants to make a come back, or at least move out to the crag where the modern day dirtbagger will no longe fill the need to scrounge through the dumpster for the recently tossed breakfast bagle which cost $1.25 fresh from a corporate owned business (and I mean fresh like baking in the sun for two days). Because the mom and pop will no longer charge the bagger but will feel obligated to provide due to the fact it reminds them of their son who ran away to go to Woodstock and never come back. In order to see the true dirtbagger make a come back, people are going to have to start kickin parents out with only a dream and a desire to cook for lonley under-privilaged climbers.
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aikibujin
Nov 18, 2005, 3:15 AM
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Dear NOOB,
The other day I heard some disturbing news: apparently this company called PraNa is being aquired by Liz Clairborne. Now I'm not sure who Liz Clairborne is, and I'm not sure what PraNa is either, except that it seems to be a climbing related company, since a lot of climbers are quite distressed about this. So I went into my local climbing shop hoping to snatch up some PraNa gear in case they get more expensive, but I couldn't find any PraNa biners, or PraNa hexes, or PraNa ropes. Oooookay, it must be REALLY good if it's this hard to find, just like the Offset Aliens. So can you tell me where I can get a full rack of PraNa cams? What is their advantage over BD C4s? This acquisition will no doubt go down as the most important event in the history of climbing... nay, in the history of the known universe. How will it affect the future of climbing as we know it?
Allez. PraTzl. Homard.
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rockguide
Nov 18, 2005, 4:24 AM
Post #649 of 977
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"In reply to: Dear NOOB, The other day I heard some disturbing news: apparently this company called PraNa is being aquired by Liz Clairborne. Now I'm not sure who Liz Clairborne is, and I'm not sure what PraNa is either, except that it seems to be a climbing related company, since a lot of climbers are quite distressed about this. So I went into my local climbing shop hoping to snatch up some PraNa gear in case they get more expensive, but I couldn't find any PraNa biners, or PraNa hexes, or PraNa ropes. Oooookay, it must be REALLY good if it's this hard to find, just like the Offset Aliens. So can you tell me where I can get a full rack of PraNa cams? What is their advantage over BD C4s? This acquisition will no doubt go down as the most important event in the history of climbing... nay, in the history of the known universe. How will it affect the future of climbing as we know it? Allez. PraTzl. Homard. "
Tough question.
I think the piranna cams are the ones shaped like fish? right? and really mean. I think they are used when things are wet, like its raining or a waterfall.
I guess they are real popular because at the gym people wear their shirts alot like in advertising the product.
So I guess you cannot climb when it rains now.
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subtle
Nov 20, 2005, 1:07 AM
Post #650 of 977
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In reply to: Dear NOOB, When will we see your debut in the mainstream mags. If you do in fact become part of the establishment will you still frequent this thread.
That's a fine question...but one probably better directed at the editor of the climbing/bouldering/buildering/Upper Great Lakes deepwater soloing bi-weekly of your choice than me. I'd be equal parts honored and horrified if I were ever offered the opportunity to write something for a mainstream magazine...which I really can't ever see happening since I tend to make fun of well...everything...all the time. Let's try an experiment, though, since I never say never...except for those two times right there, that is.
Mainstream climbing magazine staffers, lend me your ears. I am ready, willing and...extremely arguably...able to hand-craft an article, essay or cliche-ridden screed on the topic of your choice for the low, low cost of...free. I can be reached via PM, or just check under any given V0+ at Houston area rock gyms.
Now, once I am a bling-ed out mega-dope uber-journalisto pimp sipping Hyp & Hen with the elite pro climbers in the VIP Room of Da Club, will I still condescend to maintain the Ask The NOOB thread?
Yeah, probably. Having Mom pick me up from Da Club was blowing my street cred, anyway...
Allez. Where did I put my Crunk nalgene? Homard.
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gothcopter
Nov 22, 2005, 4:29 PM
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It's sad to see trad climbers fall in with the wrong crowd.
" ... a tipster tells CBS 2 the weapon was actually a ham sandwich molded into the shape of a gun."
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subtle
Nov 23, 2005, 1:52 AM
Post #652 of 977
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In reply to: It's sad to see trad climbers fall in with the wrong crowd. " ... a tipster tells CBS 2 the weapon was actually a ham sandwich molded into the shape of a gun."
(sigh)
I know how it is, brother...I know how it is. All your friends were doing it...and then one day, you were too. Scrambling up slabby chosspiles with the tree-huggers in the outing club...bouldering with the hackey-sack set...or the quick illicit thrill of inner-city buildering. Once a month...then once a week...then once a day. Pretty soon, you just couldn't get high enough anymore...and you were sport climbing. You were buying exotic parapheniala like squids and wiregates from smudged ads in the back of tawdry magazines. Then came the day when clipping the chains on a runout proj left you numb and empty...so you went to find the man in the back room...and he sold you a rack...and you were free.
But you weren't really free. You were trapped in a vicious circle...a downward spiral...where every piece you placed just made you want to place another. You cursed your rope for limiting your run-out and your partner for limiting your pitches. In dark and feverish moments you contemplated soloing...but either your courage or your desperation was lacking...so you chose another way to feed you ravenous hunger for more.
The way of the gun...made of...a...ham sandwich.
Seriously, bro...what's up with that? Were you...I dunno...planning on robbing Jared from Scrubway, or something?
Allez. Mayo scares me. Homard.
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brent_e
Nov 23, 2005, 2:07 AM
Post #653 of 977
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In reply to: It's sad to see trad climbers fall in with the wrong crowd. " ... a tipster tells CBS 2 the weapon was actually a ham sandwich molded into the shape of a gun."
i wonder if he even loaded the magazine up with gurkens??...n00b
Brent
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squid
Nov 25, 2005, 7:13 PM
Post #654 of 977
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Posts: 72
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Dear Noob,
How was your Turkey Day? Did you opt for the Turkey samich instead of the typical Ham?
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subtle
Nov 30, 2005, 1:17 AM
Post #655 of 977
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In reply to: How was your Turkey Day? Did you opt for the Turkey samich instead of the typical Ham?
My Thanksgiving was quite interesting, actually. I was invited to spend the holiday with The World's Greatest Climbing Partner...aka, Lee...in Boulder, Colorado. Now, normally I don't leave the couch for anything less than a Dave Graham Double Feature at the all-climbing movie Drive In...but c'mon brah...a chance to visit a city entirely populated by boulderers...how frigging dope is that? So, I sold the book rights to Ask The NOOB, recycled about 56,312 Diet Coke cans and...with a bit of digging for change in the all-providing sofa...came up with the $109.99 for a cargo-and-livestock-class plane ticket. Sweet! I hope the in-flight film is AutoRoute. And...nope.
Eventually, I arrived in Boulder. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping and on every street corner there were smiling happy beautiful people offering greetings and warmed organic cider with cinnamon and WHAT'S WITH ALL THE FRIGGING SPORT CLIMBERS?!? Hordes of them, like way worse than any zombie movie you've ever seen...scads and scads of spandex-clad ghouls all shuffling down the street mumbling Redpoint...Redpoint...hunting down humans to eat their brains and turn them into...I dunno...un-dead belay slaves or something.
This sort of thing would never fly in Trad Town...wherever that is.
Anyhow...once I waited out out the obligatory Thriller-based dance scene, I had a very fine Thanksgiving dinner with about two dozen of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet. Just a bunch of regular Boulder folk, all of whom can apparently climb 5.14b...or lead multipitch 5.13X Trad...or solo Shishimapangapurna IV in flip flops...or all three at the same time while reading The Onion.
Boulder...it's not for sissies. Or people with tasty brains and a GriGri.
Allez. I did eat all the Ham. Homard.
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gqsmooth
Nov 30, 2005, 1:47 AM
Post #656 of 977
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Registered: Jun 10, 2005
Posts: 572
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Dear NOOB,
I need some advice. I am hoping to get a job in Denver but I am nervous about moving to Colorado. You know that place is supposed to actually have mountains! Not just one or two, but apparently a whole range of them. Worse, what about these really sasquatch-like climbers that are supposed to reside en masse there? I am just intimidated about the whole, you know, the whole "Front Range" and all of that...So, as a NOOB, how do I survive? Any tips on how to pass myself off as a "real" climber? I just want to avoid being cast out as an impostor or being beat up because I prefer peanut butter and vegan lard over ham...
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philbox
Moderator
Nov 30, 2005, 3:39 AM
Post #658 of 977
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In reply to: * Definition: angst - one of the smallest units of measurement in Physics. Lets see, 1 angst is 1 teeny, tiny part in a big number. That's why I majored in literature. I explained to my wife that 8 angsts is pretty good. She is a very lucky woman.
I beg to differ good sir. a freckle is smaller than an angst and of course who could forget a tad and then there is a smidgeon.
About the 8 angsts, skite.
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oldtradman
Nov 30, 2005, 11:35 PM
Post #659 of 977
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Registered: Nov 30, 2005
Posts: 12
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Dear n00b,
I decided to have a mid-life crisis and get back into climbing. I figure this is a good idea for a couple of reasons:
1. Climbing is now apparently much safer than sex with new-found friends of unknown and questionable biological hygiene and;
2. Even if I upgraded my retro trad rack with all of the cammies, thingies, whatchamacallits and gee-gaws custom made in unobtainium, it would still cost less than a divorce for embarking on perilous adventures with new-found friends of unknown and questionable biological hygiene.
Or should I just buy a Jap crotch-rocket?
Awaiting your advice, thoughts and wisdom.
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shanz
Dec 1, 2005, 12:36 AM
Post #660 of 977
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Registered: May 18, 2004
Posts: 702
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BUMP
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devonick
Dec 1, 2005, 1:13 AM
Post #661 of 977
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Registered: Aug 24, 2005
Posts: 298
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get into climbing if you ask me
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subtle
Dec 2, 2005, 12:43 AM
Post #662 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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Ok, a brief housekeeping item...Please do not BUMP the Ask The NOOB thread. Seriously. It just clutters things up.
I'm pretty happy that this thread has retained a relatively tight question and answer format...I think it's much more readable...and with your help I'd like to keep it that way going forward. It's why I tend to concentrate on answering questions only when I have something errrr...interesting....to say, and avoiding the temptation to turn this into a blog or a personal chat room.
So, please keep posting your questions and leave the inane comments and general smart-assery to a professional. Some of these posts go at like P13, yo. You might blow a tendon.
Allez. Professional? Can I get...sponsored? Homard.
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dr_feelgood
Dec 2, 2005, 12:59 AM
Post #663 of 977
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Registered: Apr 6, 2004
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Dear Ask the n00b...
I have discovered I am a trad climber at heart. I play with shiny things that make clinking sounds, I can polish off a ham sammich while on lead, and runout just makes me even happier, especially if I could deck as a result of it.
However, I have a dilemma. While climbing in the cold, I wear a beanie under my helmet. I am afraid someone may see my beanie and think I am a boulderer.
Is the distinction important enough to shed the beanie and rack several pieces of firewood and a mini propane heater for when I get chilly on lead, or should I save the space on my overburdened gear loops for shiny things and sammiches and live in constant fear of being mistaken as a boulderer whenever I don the beanie?
Sincerely,
Cold and Confused.
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zao479
Dec 2, 2005, 8:00 AM
Post #664 of 977
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Registered: Aug 20, 2005
Posts: 160
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I have a question that has been leading me into a frustrating spin of circular logic. It's a sort of chicken or egg question if you will.
Bouldering by its nature is a free solo (no need for partners of protection).
This seems to hold an uncanny resemblance to the sex life of a boulderer. So which one leads to the other?
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dirtineye
Dec 2, 2005, 4:04 PM
Post #665 of 977
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Registered: Mar 29, 2003
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In reply to: Eventually, I arrived in Boulder. The sun was shining and the birds were chirping and on every street corner there were smiling happy beautiful people offering greetings and warmed organic cider with cinnamon and WHAT'S WITH ALL THE FRIGGING SPORT CLIMBERS?!? Hordes of them, like way worse than any zombie movie you've ever seen...scads and scads of spandex-clad ghouls all shuffling down the street mumbling Redpoint...Redpoint...hunting down humans to eat their brains and turn them into...I dunno...un-dead belay slaves or something. This sort of thing would never fly in Trad Town...wherever that is. Anyhow...once I waited out out the obligatory Thriller-based dance scene, I had a very fine Thanksgiving dinner with about two dozen of the nicest people you'd ever want to meet. Just a bunch of regular Boulder folk, all of whom can apparently climb 5.14b...or lead multipitch 5.13X Trad...or solo Shishimapangapurna IV in flip flops...or all three at the same time while reading The Onion. Boulder...it's not for sissies. Or people with tasty brains and a GriGri.
This is brilliant.
My question, oh great N00b, is, how do you do it? Also, does the kind of sofa you live on make a difference in the quantity and quality of your, 'work'?
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mrnomas
Dec 2, 2005, 7:47 PM
Post #666 of 977
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Registered: Sep 29, 2004
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Oh great NOOB, Lord and Master of all things NOOBish,
One of my climbing partners (read: human crash pads) was bragging today about his brand new "approach" shoes. Apparently, flip-flops and Converse are no longer adequate for getting to the crag. This got both my synapsi firing...What is the best kind of approach shoe? Are they different for different types of climbers? Are there "retreat" shoes that I should also be investing in? Help me Obi-noob-ken-noobie, you are my only hope.
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subtle
Dec 5, 2005, 5:17 AM
Post #667 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: I am hoping to get a job in Denver but I am nervous about moving to Colorado. You know that place is supposed to actually have mountains! Not just one or two, but apparently a whole range of them. Worse, what about these really sasquatch-like climbers that are supposed to reside en masse there? I am just intimidated about the whole, you know, the whole "Front Range" and all of that...So, as a NOOB, how do I survive? Any tips on how to pass myself off as a "real" climber?
I've written a ton of posts about how to fit in with various levels of climbing folk, but I don't think I've ever addressed how to be a smoothed out playa with the dope flava in the midst of truly elite climbers...mostly because I've never met any...and by 'I've never met' I absolutely do not mean 'really creepily stalked'...as far as you know. Yeah, anyway.
Colorado poses unique problems, since they have like 834,482,030 sport climbers and about 23 castes of 'elite' there. As I found out on my Thanksgiving trip, being a garden variety 5.14a climber barely gets you a seat at the kiddie table with a mis-matched plastic fork and knife in Estes Park...and if you're a low-life boulderer, get ready to sit on the floor next to the dog bed. He won't bite, but he will eat your ham.
So, let's say you maybe just happen to bump into a future Uber-Sponsored Dr. of Crimptology near the platter of organic cruelty-free Tofurkey...what do you do?
Well, sad to say, a lot of the usual conversational gambits are useless. You can't break the ice with the standard climber bonding ritual...discussing Chris Sharma. Chances are, the person who's trying to gank the last of the soy-milk mashed potatoes either knows Chris Sharma, climbs with Chris Sharma, or is Chris Sharma. Either way, opening with "Dude, did you see the thing where Sharma did the totally rad move and was like all ARRRRGGGHH! No? Man...it was, uuuhhhh...rad." won't help much, and may get you demoted to eating in the dark in the laundry room. Likewise, spraying about your latest 5.10b send to a woman who warms up on 5.13c is equally...unproductive. No, broham, there's one thing and one thing only that can bridge the chasm between you and Mr/Mrs. Trying To Eat Cranberry Sauce With Their Fingers...the endless debate...the ultimate question...the veritable Gordian Knot at the very center of the climbing universe...Who's Rubber is Stickiest?
Not a word of a lie, after doing my best impression of a dog-friendly deafmute bouldering deviant who loves to pass peas for the first three hours, I somehow got sucked into a technical discussion of the relative performance characheristics of 5.10 Stealth HF versus Sportiva Vibram XSV for sloping micro feet at 50 degrees ambient temperature. Granted, the sum total of my experience was predicated on standing on jugs on a 5.8+ toprope at the gym...but...man...those V10s felt sooooo bomber.
Allez. Anybody need any more peas? Homard.
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shanz
Dec 6, 2005, 8:56 PM
Post #668 of 977
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Registered: May 18, 2004
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i see all this arguing bout sport trad and boulderin was wondering if your belayer goes off belay while you are on a climb so he can fetch a ham sammy does that mean you are bouldering
and if this happens alot does this mean you are a boulderer disguised as a trad klimer
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subtle
Dec 7, 2005, 12:58 AM
Post #669 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: I have a dilemma. While climbing in the cold, I wear a beanie under my helmet. I am afraid someone may see my beanie and think I am a boulderer. Is the distinction important enough to shed the beanie and rack several pieces of firewood and a mini propane heater for when I get chilly on lead, or should I save the space on my overburdened gear loops for shiny things and sammiches and live in constant fear of being mistaken as a boulderer whenever I don the beanie?
I actually don't think it's going to be a problem, strangely enough. Let's go to the dictionary, though, to be sure.
Boulderer - A climber that prefers to do one absurdly spine-wrenchingly hard move, then sit on a crashpad for two hours and talk about how rad, ill, or sick it was. Ultimate expression of the sport is to pull a Rad Sick Ill move, then explode in a mist of tendons and Red Bull vapor.
Trad Climber - One who derives enjoyment from doing as many easy moves as possible in a row, stopping only when they run out of giant jug-like holds or die taking a deck-job whipper from 3000 feet above thier last piece. Ultimate expression of the sport is to climb all the way to the sky.
Eventually some sharp-eyed crag rat will probably spot your beanie and get all freaked out. OMG! Some boulderer got all ADDed-out and wandered onto the nineteenth pitch of Hug The Jugs 5.3-...somebody call mountain rescue before he tries to dyno to some whatchamacallit...sloper...and falls...oh, no..wait...he just did two consecutive moves...that's no boulderer.
No boulderer indeed.
Allez. You can hug the jugs, but they will never love you back. Homard.
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cintune
Dec 7, 2005, 4:02 PM
Post #670 of 977
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Registered: Nov 10, 2004
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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sissie_in_awe
Dec 8, 2005, 2:50 AM
Post #671 of 977
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Registered: Dec 8, 2005
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I am so embarrassed to relate this, but Truth and Honesty requires that I do, so...
I always carry about 20 draws on my harness at the gym, because the n00bs look at me like I have big ... well, you know. But,
Today I was there getting my harness on, with my draws around my ankles, and I heard a simultaneous, sharp intake of breath all around me. I looked up and right away saw Gina, my secret love, staring at the door with her tongue hanging out.
Naturally, I turned around to see what she was looking at, and OMG it was this GUY.
The silence in the room was supernatural. This GUY was wearing a full set of Range Finders on the left side of his harness. He had a set of Forged Friends on the right side. He had a padded sling over his shoulder with a mess of Flex Cams and two Max Cams. Lastly, I saw that he had a giant set of nuts - probably BD Wired Hexes.
All climbing stopped, at least after one girl turned around while belaying and just let the rope slip out of her hands. Her partner was the only one saying anything, but that was just because he was too busy yelling, "Watch me! Watch me! Oh Shhhhhhhh" or something like that.
This guy was maybe 35 or so, old enough to have a little more forehead than the rest of us. He looked to be ripped. After a few seconds, his first impression made, he relaxed his gut and a small tire sagged out above the waist of his pants. I must have been the only one to notice, because the spell wasn't broken by it.
He moved to the center of the main room and turned slowly around like he was scoping out the walls. I noticed that his eyes seemed to linger on each lady in the gym, and he seemed to be adding about half of them to his tick list.
Then I noticed the guys.
They were breaking out in a collective sweat. No one had ever seen such a display of trad gear in a gym. One of the young guys left the base of the Party wall and asked, "You want a belay, Man?" We were just plain outdone.
I had all I could take; I felt about 9" tall compared to this guy. I felt like a nothing. I slunk over to my bag, dropped my harness into it, and left still wearing my Sportivas.
My question to you, Mr. N00b, is how can I go back there and face my partners and the rest of the guys knowing that I will never be able to make an entrance like that? If I do go back, I may not do any more leads there. All I have to carry is a few draws. Do you think this guy realizes how devastating his performance was? I will probably just join the guys in the funny hats and jump up and grab a hold and hang on while they hoot and holler at me. I've got to do something to get my testosterone flowing again. What should I do?
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aikibujin
Dec 8, 2005, 3:16 AM
Post #672 of 977
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Registered: Dec 28, 2003
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In reply to: The silence in the room was supernatural. This GUY was wearing a full set of Range Finders on the left side of his harness. He had a set of Forged Friends on the right side. He had a padded sling over his shoulder with a mess of Flex Cams and two Max Cams. Lastly, I saw that he had a giant set of nuts - probably BD Wired Hexes.
Pffft, that guy is such an amateur. You don't need all that crap hanging on your harness, it's gonna cut off blood circulation to your... legs, and do some serious damage.
Here what you do: you hang a #13 Black Diamond stopper on your right gear loop, a #10 Wild Country rock on your left gear loop, and a #5 Trango Big Bro on your... here's the secret... belay loop.
Just make sure you don't push the button on the Big Bro accidentally. Ouch!
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4togo
Dec 8, 2005, 3:23 AM
Post #673 of 977
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Registered: May 29, 2005
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Dear NOOB,
I notice that you haven't written a peep about ice climbing yet. Why not? It's winter here in Alaska (and maybe a few other places as well) -- there just isn't much else to do. It's like some rock climbers enter their equivalent of the batcave and emerge with tricked-out toolbelts and weather-proof costumes, while the less fortunate find themselves in... the climbing gym.
So, what words of wisdom can you share with a brand new, Batman inspired ice climber wanna-be?
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subtle
Dec 8, 2005, 3:59 AM
Post #674 of 977
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In reply to: I have a question that has been leading me into a frustrating spin of circular logic. It's a sort of chicken or egg question if you will. Bouldering by its nature is a free solo (no need for partners of protection). This seems to hold an uncanny resemblance to the sex life of a boulderer. So which one leads to the other?
Eddie Van Halen once said "We're not like this because we're musicians, we're musicians because we're like this." It seems your question could be easily rephrased "Are we boulderers because we don't get laid, or do we not get laid because we're boulderers?" And the answer is...
Yes. Err...both.
There's some horrible irony here, you realize. You're a feaky loner with no social skills...and a beanie. You try to fit in, but you can't derive Ito's Lemma so the Math Team shunned you...and your freakish hand strength kept snapping the heads off the pawns in Chess Club...so you wandered outside to where the dirty kids with the hackey sack are standing around looking at some...rock. Your people. And some...rather a lot, actually...of your people are girls.
Girls that will never, ever give you the time of day. Why? They're all in love with some foreign exchange student named Jean Pierre...he's a sport climber...and he's French...ooooooooh, he's so pretty! Jean Pierre says that bouldering is ok practice for when you can't sport climb. Jean Pierre is going to take me to his parent's villa near Ceuse over spring break. Jean Pierre is going to get on the route next to the route that Chris Sharma used to warm up on. He's so Raaaaaaaad!
So close, and yet so far. It's like one of those punishments you read about in Greek mythology. Which god did you piss off, Crimpimus?
Allez. I pissed them all off, apparently. Homard.
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subtle
Dec 9, 2005, 1:36 AM
Post #675 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: One of my climbing partners (read: human crash pads) was bragging today about his brand new "approach" shoes. Apparently, flip-flops and Converse are no longer adequate for getting to the crag. This got both my synapsi firing...What is the best kind of approach shoe? Are they different for different types of climbers? Are there "retreat" shoes that I should also be investing in?
Best? For what...approaching? Dude, these aren't emus or something...they're ummmm, big rocks...you don't have to stalk the frigging things...trust me, bro, the herd won't stampeed...
Fact is, crag footwear is generally a triumph of style over substance. If this were not the case, everyone would be rocking identical $48.91 pairs of gray ballistic nylon mid-height trail bashers mass-produced by the George Orwell Ministry of Prudent & Sensible Shoes. Although we'd all get where we were going with drier feet and fewer ankle sprains...where's the fun in that? What's more insane...and therefore rad...than somehow picking your way through 45 minutes of run-off soaked Rumney talus in a pair of Nike Shox? How you out-pimp the guy wearing sandals over his La Sportiva Testarossas? If you're in Cali and you're wearing anything on your feet, you may as well be carrying a Map to the Stars Homes and horking down a slurpee, you frigging yuppie tourist.
Emus can smell slurpee from a mile away, too. You'll get trampled for sure, brah.
Allez. FYI, Orwells aren't vegan-friendly, they're made on an Animal Farm. Homard.
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subtle
Dec 14, 2005, 1:14 AM
Post #676 of 977
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In reply to: I notice that you haven't written a peep about ice climbing yet. Why not? It's winter here in Alaska (and maybe a few other places as well) -- there just isn't much else to do. It's like some rock climbers enter their equivalent of the batcave and emerge with tricked-out toolbelts and weather-proof costumes, while the less fortunate find themselves in... the climbing gym. So, what words of wisdom can you share with a brand new, Batman inspired ice climber wanna-be?
Well, my faux-Canadian friend, it may be winter up there in Talkeetna or...errr...Moose Poot...or whatever population 32 urban Megalopolis you're rocking...but down here in Houston it's like 65 degrees and sunny every day. Consequently, the ice conditions are rather...ummmm, un-bullet...most of the time. If you want to climb waterfall in Texas, brah, you're going to have to man up and hike the proj in a somewhat more liquid form. Let's see your fancy ice screws save you now, Aqua-Man...are you going to sink one in a salmon or something? Seriously, that's not going to work at all. Oooh, that's totally bomber..aaaaannnd, a bear ate my pro. Mountaineering - Freedom of the Hills isn't going to help you with that one, believe me...
Besides, how are you going to gear-whore it up like a true ice climber should? Grivel doesn't make water wings, and there is no Quark Ergo...paddle...although if there were, it would rock. And cost like $945. Not only are you going to have to buy some sort of Arcteryx swim trunks and some flippers with wicked front points, but you can't climb for 60 minutes after you eat lunch...'cause you'll get a cramp and drown.
This isn't the gym, broham, there's no lifeguard.
Allez. Peep! Homard.
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mrnomas
Dec 14, 2005, 8:29 PM
Post #677 of 977
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Registered: Sep 29, 2004
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Oh Great NOOB, your wisdom continues to inspire!
I had a very bad moment last night in the plastic prison I like to call Florida. I was about to make my 37th attempt at my 5.6- test piece Hangdoggin' with the Best of'em when I just couldn't do it. I've run the gamut of excuses and found myself lacking. All I could come up with was, "My nails are too long to climb this one today." My partner looked at me kinda funny 'cause the only hold that was at all crimp-like was really a foot but he let it slide. I'm totally tapped for excuses. I've used all the standards multiple times (too pumped, need to stretch, that 14 year old girl is campusing it right now, etc), plus a couple of my own (I think my appendix just burst, that burrito is repeating on me, I pulled a ligamental on that V0 over there, etc.). I need your help. Any excuses you have to not flail on that route and embarrass myself once again will help. Thank you in advance. You are my god.
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subtle
Dec 15, 2005, 12:47 AM
Post #678 of 977
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In reply to: I had a very bad moment last night in the plastic prison I like to call Florida. I was about to make my 37th attempt at my 5.6- test piece Hangdoggin' with the Best of'em when I just couldn't do it. I've run the gamut of excuses and found myself lacking. All I could come up with was, "My nails are too long to climb this one today." My partner looked at me kinda funny 'cause the only hold that was at all crimp-like was really a foot but he let it slide. I'm totally tapped for excuses. I've used all the standards multiple times (too pumped, need to stretch, that 14 year old girl is campusing it right now, etc), plus a couple of my own (I think my appendix just burst, that burrito is repeating on me, I pulled a ligamental on that V0 over there, etc.). I need your help. Any excuses you have to not flail on that route and embarrass myself once again will help. Thank you in advance. You are my god.
Climbing is, as you've no doubt realized by this point, is a deeply personal sport. You have to have your favorite shoes that fit just so...you always use your ATC because know by feel exactly how much slack it'll take to savagely short-rope your climber at the crux...and you never, ever climb with someone else's excuses.
I mean, think of it bro...are you going to get on the ill proj with a fresh-out-the-box excuse...or worse, a rental...and hope it works when you need it to? You need to break that stuff in, cuz, or you'll get...blisters or something. Now and then an elite climber might discreetly field-test some factory prototype material...but are you really going to be able to pull off a "that 1/8th pad crimp is totally greasy now that it's in the sun" on your 5.4+ bucket-ladder? I don't think so. But how to decide what's right for you?
As in all things, select your excuses based on your climbing style and the local ethics of your home crag. There's no point in whingeing about the cold at Rumney, abrasive rock at Hueco, or dirty desert hippies in Bishop...they're an organic part of the experience. It's best to focus on things unique to you...invisible things...invisible imaginary things. Who on earth is going to dispute that you totally would have sent the proj if you hadn't gotten jug pumped and strained your B2 rotator pulley.
Sadly, belaying totally aggrivates the condition, too...you'd better not, y'know, just to be safe.
Allez. You're hangdogging me to death! Homard.
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justthemaid
Dec 15, 2005, 5:42 PM
Post #679 of 977
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Dear Noob.
What's the deal with that Rock Warrior's Way Forum?
I could swear that incense actually floated out of my monitor when I logged on. It seems they fritter their time away contemplating koans and meditating on the ultimate send.
If I make a sacrifice to their god Arno will I be able to levitate up 5.14s and walk on rice paper leaving no trace?
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subtle
Dec 21, 2005, 12:46 AM
Post #680 of 977
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In reply to: What's the deal with that Rock Warrior's Way Forum? I could swear that incense actually floated out of my monitor when I logged on. It seems they fritter their time away contemplating koans and meditating on the ultimate send. If I make a sacrifice to their god Arno will I be able to levitate up 5.14s and walk on rice paper leaving no trace?
Until about...oh...six minutes ago, I'd never read any of The Rock Warrior's Way Forum. No particular reason why...it's a big internet y'know, and I was working my way over there eventually...but now that I've read, errr, some of the headlines and like...a post or two...whoa.
That's not a forum, that's a cult.
Now, we here at Ask The NOOB do not judge...if you want to be a complete whack-job freakshow, that's your business as long as you don't borrow my stuff and sell it on eBay to support your ummm...Enlightened Leader, or whatever. The central problem with The Way...as they actually call it...is that there's a kinda weak-sauce payoff at the end of the road. Oooh, ooooh, once I get rid of my EGO and master my FEAR, I can SEND...and maybe stop CAPITALIZING. Send? Send? If I'm wearing an orange sheet, shaving my head, eating free-range tofu and abstaining from sex...ummm, we'll pretend that's by choice...I want a better pot of gold at the end of the rainbow than the top jug on a 5.9+ toprope. I mean, a little hangboard work will help you send...with much less chanting and tambourine rattling.
ALLEZ. Damn, now I'm doing it. Homard.
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subtle
Dec 22, 2005, 12:03 AM
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Ask The NOOB will be off the air for a week or so, as I am travelling back to New England to visit my old sofa...and errr, family...and possibly do some sub-zero bouldering at Lincoln Woods. I'll be the one with the Xmas stocking chalk bag and the radically downturned Elf shoes resoled with stealth rubber. As always, post your questions and I'll ponder them deeply over a Red Bull & egg nog and reply as soon as I can...which will probably be 2006.
Allez. Happy Holidays. Homard.
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justafurnaceman
Dec 23, 2005, 1:04 AM
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Dear nOOb,
Now that it's winter time up here in Maine, which you probably realized when you stepped off the plane to visit your relatives, I have a problem. I have this extreme fear of walking through the snow and, um, this is hard to say, um, falling into a crevase! Whew, I said it. I was walking around the back of a house last week with my co-workers, headed for the bulkhead, through the snow when one of the guys DISAPPEARED! We shouted his name, took a piece of pipe and poked around but we were all afraid of falling into the crevase ourselves. I vowed never to be unprepared again. I went straight home, put my harness on, tied a few butterfly knots in the rope, hooked in, clipped the ice screws to the harness, put on my boots and crampons, grabbed my ice axes and went back out.
I'm always careful out there now. Everytime I get out of my truck I always tie myself off to the truck, then as I move through the snow I poke around with my axes taking small steps, (try doing that and carry a tool box), we even safetied off the boiler that we were dragging through the snow (we wouldn't want that to fall into a crevase and land our former co-worker would we!).
The question that I have for you is am I going too far? I've been getting odd looks from the people at the grocery store when I drag my rope in through the door. And the floor cleaners were mumbling something about my crampons ruining their finish (don't they know that safety is first). I have given a few of our customers a bit of a start when they open their door and see me with the axes when I show up to clean their furnace. I have even started carrying my avalanche shovel too plus a beacon just in case. So what are your thoughts on the subject? Am I crazy to do this? I did see on Nova where someone fell into a crevase, and their partner left them to crawl back to the base camp and I just don't want to be one of those people.
Thank you so much,
Sincerly,
Sitting in front of boiler trying to clean it with the axes. Boy I need a longer rope, I think I'm giving myself a weggie.
P.S. Oh if you want to go out on some ice give us a shout while you're up here and we'll take you out to some "wicked" good ice.
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subtle
Jan 1, 2006, 2:45 AM
Post #683 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: Now that it's winter time up here in Maine, which you probably realized when you stepped off the plane to visit your relatives, I have a problem. I have this extreme fear of walking through the snow and, um, this is hard to say, um, falling into a crevase! Whew, I said it. I was walking around the back of a house last week with my co-workers, headed for the bulkhead, through the snow when one of the guys DISAPPEARED! We shouted his name, took a piece of pipe and poked around but we were all afraid of falling into the crevase ourselves. I vowed never to be unprepared again. I went straight home, put my harness on, tied a few butterfly knots in the rope, hooked in, clipped the ice screws to the harness, put on my boots and crampons, grabbed my ice axes and went back out. I'm always careful out there now. Everytime I get out of my truck I always tie myself off to the truck, then as I move through the snow I poke around with my axes taking small steps, (try doing that and carry a tool box), we even safetied off the boiler that we were dragging through the snow (we wouldn't want that to fall into a crevase and land our former co-worker would we!). The question that I have for you is am I going too far? I've been getting odd looks from the people at the grocery store when I drag my rope in through the door. And the floor cleaners were mumbling something about my crampons ruining their finish (don't they know that safety is first). I have given a few of our customers a bit of a start when they open their door and see me with the axes when I show up to clean their furnace. I have even started carrying my avalanche shovel too plus a beacon just in case. So what are your thoughts on the subject? Am I crazy to do this? I did see on Nova where someone fell into a crevase, and their partner left them to crawl back to the base camp and I just don't want to be one of those people.
You can never be too safe, bro...well...until you end up in a hermetically sealed germ-proof room recycling your own bodily fluids and wearing kleenex boxes on your feet...but let's just ahhh...hope...that you're not currently doing that. Or if you are, that you never ever tell me. I think your job site and...errr...grocery store protection is bomber, but you've forgotten one very important thing...most accidents happen in the home.
The only sensible course of action is to adopt pre-Caldwell Yosemite big-wall techniques and string about 3000 feet of fixed line around the house. For extra flair, wear leather pants and pretend you're a Huber brother. Alpine demigod Mark Twight would tell you to cache enough gear and provisions for three to five days in case you get trapped by an unexpected carpet ravine...which in Mark's case would be a power bar, a #6 stopper and a Tool CD. As you prepare to jumar from the living room to the kitchen in your...leather pants...while, errr...listening to 46 & 2...nibbling on a Clif Bar...WAIT! STOP!
Did you remember to check your knot?
Here, for the very first time in print, is my actual pre-climb ritual in all it's gory detail. Despite falling more than any other climber in the history of the sport, I am still alive and mooching off my parents...so it apparently works. To maximize both my anal retentiveness and, ah, wierdness...I kinda pantomime-dance around and say the following:
Leg loop, leg loop (something interrupts me, start over) leg loop, leg loop, leg loop (I realize I only have two legs, start over) leg loop, leg loop, waist belt doubled back, rope through the bottom loop, rope through the top loop, got an eight knot, got a backup knot, shoes good, chalk bag on...all set.
Then, as I turn toward my 5.7+ testpiece, my partner Lee casually asks:
"Did you check your knot?"
Allez. It's amazing I ever get off the ground with kleenex boxes on my feet. Homard.
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subtle
Jan 2, 2006, 6:01 AM
Post #684 of 977
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Ladies and Gentlemen and...ummm...boulderers...I am proud to present the 2005 Ask The NOOB Awards. Drumroll, please.
The Most Huggable Climber Award
Beth Rodden
C’mon, admit it…you’d totally just run over to her and give her a hug if you could…until you remember that she climbs way harder than you could ever hope to…and you’d instantly get all intimidated and feel like a gigantic candy-ass poseur and slink away like the 5.8+ top-roper that I am…errr…you are. Yeah, that’s it. No hug for you.
The Loch Ness Monster Award for Most Mysterious Climber
Thomasina Darlene Pidgeon
Ms. Pidgeon is so mysterious, she actually switched first names a while back. Why? That’s classified. We do know she’s from up North, eh…has sent a bunch of V10s…and makes us feel all warm and squishy inside. She’s like some sort of Squamish Sasquatch with tremendous crimp steezos…showing up from time to time in a grainy photo in a chalk advertisement or something, then disappearing back to the forest.
The No Hablo Ingles Award for Incomprehensible Verbiage
Joe Kinder
Mr. Kinder has pretty much re-defined the state of the art in linguistic dope pimp steezology in 2005…setting back the language by centuries in the process. Colorado might prove a difficult place for him to dodge the inevitable marauding lynch mob of English teachers and grammar aficionados, though…his gangsta-lite posturing must make him stand out in the line at Starbucks like a click-talking bushman from The Gods Must Be Crazy amongst the uber-mellow chilled-out locals. Good luck, Joe.
The Chris Farley Award For Living In a Van Down By The River
Jason Kehl
Now, if Chris Farley knew that it was a van full of broken dolls, hair dye and Rasputina CDs, don’t you think he might have tried just a wee bit harder to convince those kids on SNL? I do…I sure do.
The Chris Sharma Award for Soulful Introspection After Sending Sick Project
Chris Sharma
As the perennial front-runner for the Chris Sharma Award, Chris Sharma must perform under the unfathomable pressure of sending insane boulder problems on a deadline with nine cameras rolling and then not screaming “That’s sooooo V19, biznatches!” while hanging off the finish jug. To defend his title in 2006, Chris will probably have to not only leave his problems un-named and un-graded…but possibly also un-climbed. Get ready to start hearing “Man, did you see the line Sharma didn’t do in Bishop? That shizz was mad ill, yo! I hear it wasn’t filmed and won’t be in Dosage VI”.
The He’s The Man Award for Overall Excellence
Tommy Caldwell
Everybody’s all-universe pick climbs 5.15, boulders V-Hard and runs laps on El Cap. Rumors are that his recent link up of The Nose and Freerider was merely a training exercise for the much more awesome challenge of reading The Mass Climbers Thread start to finish in a day. Rumor also has it the Huber brothers were savagely repulsed at page 983 when Tomas and Alex simultaneously fell asleep during a lengthy trip report on Quincy Quarries, blowing the onsight. Hug Beth for us, Tommy, then get your send on.
Allez. Homard.
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fancyclaps
Jan 3, 2006, 12:21 AM
Post #685 of 977
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Dear n00b:
I have been having some problems with my climbing partners. See I lead all the time, but I don't place much protection because my balls are huge. I mean they are so big, they will cushion my fall. Failing that I am so incredibly manly that if I break a bone or something, I just rub some whiskey on it and I am okay. I have gotten to the point where no one climbs with me anymore because I am so awesome that they feel like little girls. In some cases they actually HAVE been little girls, and I made them cry for being pansies. So what should I do? Being so manly means I can walk up 5.17s but it hurts my friendships, I am lost!
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mp29000
Jan 3, 2006, 3:06 AM
Post #686 of 977
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In reply to: Dear n00b: I have been having some problems with my climbing partners. See I lead all the time, but I don't place much protection because my balls are huge. I mean they are so big, they will cushion my fall. Failing that I am so incredibly manly that if I break a bone or something, I just rub some whiskey on it and I am okay. I have gotten to the point where no one climbs with me anymore because I am so awesome that they feel like little girls. In some cases they actually HAVE been little girls, and I made them cry for being pansies. So what should I do? Being so manly means I can walk up 5.17s but it hurts my friendships, I am lost!
silly n00b, everyone know that the cure for broken bones is deep fried ham sammiches.
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jakedatc
Jan 3, 2006, 9:00 PM
Post #687 of 977
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Dear ever wise lobster man
I was talking to.. well.. you about sewing up a trad line with a most rediculous amount of gear.. which got me thinking.. how much gear is safe to place?
when in doubt... don't break the crag eh?
Jake
designer of the Addirossa approach shoe
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subtle
Jan 4, 2006, 1:09 AM
Post #688 of 977
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In reply to: ...I am so incredibly manly that if I break a bone or something, I just rub some whiskey on it and I am okay. I have gotten to the point where no one climbs with me anymore because I am so awesome that they feel like little girls. In some cases they actually HAVE been little girls, and I made them cry for being pansies. So what should I do? Being so manly means I can walk up 5.17s but it hurts my friendships, I am lost!
Ok, firstly, unless you wear a purple velvet track suit to the bowling alley, hang out with a guy named Liam and habitually refer to yourself as "the Jesus", you probably want to stay away from the little girls. We here at Ask The NOOB do not judge...but c'mon man...that's just creepy.
Anyhow, it's blatantly obvious that you're no sport climber. You claim to send 5.17 but you made no mention of spandex, being sponsored, climbing in Ceuse/Rifle/The Red and...most ominous...competely failed to bring up hair care products altogether. You, sir, are living a lie.
So here's what you do...you chuck your whole life in a Project Mayhem inspired frenzy and move out to the desert. Find yourself some absolutely wretched 5000ft tower made entirely out of mud, pea gravel and...I dunno...coyote dung, or something. Name your project The Rusty Iron Knife Stab Stab Kill Massif Tetanus Tower Of Doom, and spend 16 hours a day for six years establishing the mother of all death routes up the sunless South Face, where dreams go to die and coyotes go to...poop. Place a total of 2 bolts and a tatty fixed sling girth hitched to a cow skull. Then, after a 97 hour continuous push FA where you had to drink your own urine to survive, ponder at length in Nietzchian think-pieces faxed to the mags if the second bolt really 'emasculated' your 'vision of primal thrusting dominance'...and wether or not Jim Beyer would think you were an 'agro hard man'.
Then, y'know, go get that velvet track suit...
Allez. That rug really tied the room together, did it not? Homard.
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shanz
Jan 4, 2006, 1:33 AM
Post #689 of 977
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Oh great NOOB im need some advice,
Im going to be buying a house and ive chosen between two styles. A nice big 3 bedroom ranch style with a basement, or an "A" frame house thats 2.5 stories high. So heres my problem i cant decide which cause since one day i want to be able to call myself a solid 5.9 climber (i can dream can't i?).
should i buy the ranch style house and cut the floors out of two of the bedrooms and build my own climbing wall with multiple angles with walls i build myself. I would be more like a boulderer with this
or just by the 2.5 story "A" with a 45 degree overhand and just install a belay station right next to the bathroom so i dont have to carry a container. i would be more like a big wall climber this way
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subtle
Jan 5, 2006, 3:47 AM
Post #690 of 977
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In reply to: Dear ever wise lobster man I was talking to.. well.. you about sewing up a trad line with a most rediculous amount of gear.. which got me thinking.. how much gear is safe to place? when in doubt... don't break the crag eh? Jake designer of the Addirossa approach shoe
Ok, for those of you who don't have the benefit of knowing Jake as I do...which is probably most of you...this is a terribly ironic question. Jake's current rack consists of like a nut, a tri-cam, a pinecone on a shoelace and a beautiful band-new Red Alien that he uses as a stuffed animal suspesion device. Seriously, bro, that's wierd. Ok, on to your question...and hopefully not thinking about stuff like that any more.
In theory, there's going to be some sort of limiting factor on a gear route...usually how much you can acquire, how much you can carry, or how much you can place. Now, any trad climber worth the salt on their non-tequila shooting hand has compulsive gear scavenging hard coded into their DNA. They can practically smell a manky 17 year old forged friend being posted on eBay from halfway around the world. Better get your scrounge on pronto, Jake, because somewhere out there is a guy yelling "Oi! It's a bleedin' vintage 4-lober for only 3 quid! Crikey, where's me credit card!".
So, by now you've most likely bartered most of your worldly posessions for octuple nuts from #1 to #12, sixteen of each cam from .5 to 4 and 283 Aliens...a pretty standard rack, in other words. Hooking all 3987lbs of clanky metal goodness to your harness is going to make it somewhat tougher to campus the proj. Ah, but what to do...what to do? Fortunately for you, there has been a gradual shift in trad ethics recently, with pre-positioned gear being seen as a necessary evil on some high-end lines. When asked why you found it necessary to rap in to install 43 cams in the first 15 feet, simply explain that Baby's First Gear Climb 5.6+ is actually a sandbag run-out death route and besides...you need both hands free to campus, yo...sheesh, don't you people know how to climb?!?
Allez. Tell 'em, Jake. Homard.
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lewisiarediviva
Jan 9, 2006, 6:14 AM
Post #691 of 977
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NOOB,
I was in the "climbing pants" thread and realized that we experienced climbers may be trapped in a marketing target. We have lost our creativity and our self expression. Of course I came straight to the innocent noob that has yet to be fully entrap into the idea of what it means to be a real climber.
The other day at the post office I saw a lady wearing stirrup pants. I thought: those pants must be 20 years old! This ladies pants were in perfect shape. They had no rips or snags. Who knew that a simple fad could be so tough and perfect for our sport?
I have not seen any pants like these in any of the climbing clothing catalogs that come to my mail box. Where can I find a pair of stirrup pants?
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subtle
Jan 10, 2006, 12:59 AM
Post #692 of 977
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In reply to: I was in the "climbing pants" thread and realized that we experienced climbers may be trapped in a marketing target. We have lost our creativity and our self expression. Of course I came straight to the innocent noob that has yet to be fully entrap into the idea of what it means to be a real climber. The other day at the post office I saw a lady wearing stirrup pants. I thought: those pants must be 20 years old! This ladies pants were in perfect shape. They had no rips or snags. Who knew that a simple fad could be so tough and perfect for our sport? I have not seen any pants like these in any of the climbing clothing catalogs that come to my mail box. Where can I find a pair of stirrup pants?
The climbing pants thread? Surely you must be joking...ummm...I hope you're joking.
Well, on the off chance you're not kidding, there's a potential problem with your plan. Your standard issue Mall-rat Katrina & The Waves issue stirrup pant basically resembles a pair of prAna ninja knickers with an elastic loop sewn across the bottom of the leg opening that you stick your foot in...like a stirrup, oooooh, I get it...on the way to your checkerboard Vans Off The Wall surfer kicks. This is fine if you plan on being all Footloose, and Walking on Sunshine down to Electric Avenue , but if you plan on climbing in those totally tubular bad boys, you're going to have some problems.
If you're rocking anything more modern than a pair of 1974 Ron Kauk model high-top EBs, chances are your shoe has what's called a slingshot heel. The 'slingshot' is basically a big rubber band that wraps around the back of the heel, jams your toes into the front of the shoe and gives you instant gangrene. If you wear your boots tight enough, you can potentially blow the back of your shoe out out mid-route...or, ahem, walking to the soda machine. So I hear...
Anyhow, I trust you see the problem. You've got like 50,000 Megatons of explosive force bottled up in your V10 slippers...one wrong move toward a can of Red Bull could set those things off, let me tell you...and you want to mechanically link them to your ass via some manky high-tension 1983 vintage elastic? Are you insane? One wrong backstep on the proj and you're going to a splode like some sort of Gap Band You Dropped a Bomb On Me grenade. There'll be nothing left of you but your Frankie Say Relax t-shirt and your swami belt.
Don't do it. Get yourself a pair of SkidZ or something...if you dare.
Allez. Seriously, there's a climbing pants thread? Homard.
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rockguide
Jan 10, 2006, 1:47 AM
Post #693 of 977
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Dear nOOB,
I am climbing at the gym and noticed my harness was different from everyone elses. I have a waist belt buckle, like they do, but no buckles on my leg loops. They make a circle, but no buckles.
Did my buckles fall off? Is my harness still safe? Please answer quickly because I am at the top of the wall unwilling to commit my weight to the rope until I know (emailed this from my cell phone).
Dude .... I am pumping out here
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goob3r
Jan 10, 2006, 4:18 AM
Post #695 of 977
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Kudos on this thread.. me likey and appreciate :roll:
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donie
Jan 10, 2006, 4:21 AM
Post #696 of 977
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Yeah, okay goober....................... :roll:
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pt
Jan 10, 2006, 5:16 AM
Post #697 of 977
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Registered: May 29, 2003
Posts: 400
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Dear Noob,
I climb sooo hard (5.11+) that hardly anyone is qualified to give me advice any more. Where do I go for answers to my skin and hair care problems?
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goob3r
Jan 10, 2006, 5:51 AM
Post #698 of 977
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In reply to: Dear Noob, I climb sooo hard (5.11+) that hardly anyone is qualified to give me advice any more. Where do I go for answers to my skin and hair care problems?
yo momma
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4togo
Jan 10, 2006, 7:33 AM
Post #699 of 977
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Posts: 134
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Dear N00b,
If you ever start selling framed N00bisms... I've got dibs on this one:
In reply to: one wrong move toward a can of Red Bull could set those things off, let me tell you...and you want to mechanically link them to your ass via some manky high-tension 1983 vintage elastic? Are you insane?
Seriously. A little 4x6 frame with "Ask the N00b" emblazoned on the front bottom.
Would be... sweet.
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wideguy
Jan 10, 2006, 2:42 PM
Post #700 of 977
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In reply to: So, by now you've most likely bartered most of your worldly posessions for octuple nuts from #1 to #12, sixteen of each cam from .5 to 4 and 283 Aliens...a pretty standard rack, in other words. Allez. Tell 'em, Jake. Homard.
Dear Noob, thanks for the above. I have been hoping for such a clear, concise listing of what I should be shooting for. My meager 6 cams, single set of nuts,a 3 tri-cams I knew was insufficient but now I know just how much so.
My question is one of balance. I hear many say that to truly reach your potential as a climber you should practice all types. Once I get my new rack set per your descriptions, how do I rack it all and still have room for 10 sport draws, my really undersized downturned slippers, a beanie, a mattress and a ham sandwich??
Sincerely,
Concerned in Massachusetts
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subtle
Jan 11, 2006, 1:19 AM
Post #701 of 977
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In reply to: My question is one of balance. I hear many say that to truly reach your potential as a climber you should practice all types. Once I get my new rack set per your descriptions, how do I rack it all and still have room for 10 sport draws, my really undersized downturned slippers, a beanie, a mattress and a ham sandwich?
Pssssh, why do you ask when you already know the answer? That is my question...which I will answer later...and make fun of myself, I expect.
To recap, how are you going to carry 96 nuts, 112 cams and 283 Aliens, as well as a crashpad, draws, shoes, beanie, more shoes, a ham sandie, some more shoes, a stick clip, a bubba brush, guidebooks, 4 rolls of tape, an extra pair of shoes and 5lbs of chalk on the 45 minute straight vertical scramble to the Hinterlands...and the answer is right in front of you. Actually, it's probably all around you.
Your posse, bro...The Mass Climbers.
For those of you not from New England, direct your attention to the East Coast partners forum and cast your eye on The MASS CLIMBERS Thread...all 48,748,754 pages of it. Do what everyone else does, look at page 1 assuming that it must be...I dunno...John Quincy Adams or Vasco de Gama trying to put together a road trip to this dope area called The New World because he heard there were some sick projects. Sadly, this is not the case. You will, however, meet orangekyak, jakedatc, cracklover, robbvious, wideguy and a plethora of chowder-swilling locals with MassClimbers4Lyfe tattoos and a penchant for tri-state choss-hiking sprees and compulsive trip report generation. Big deal, you say. So what, you think. Well, I've climbed all over the place...and I've seen stronger locals...and I've seen harder-core locals...but I've never seen more close-knit local locals...umm...on the internet. You need someone to sherpa your stuff to the proj, Wideguy? Post up my brother, they've totally got your back.
Wideguy: I need to carry 500lbs of gear up to the top of Rumney. It's going to be 95 and humid.
Jakedatc: I'm in.
Cracklover: Me too.
Orangekyak: I'll drive.
Wideguy: I'm in too. Oh wait, it's my trip.
Robbvious: I'm in, but only if I can carry some heavy trad gear and the bugs are bad.
Jakedatc: They will be. Zeb said they were.
Robbvious: Sweet!
Wideguy: You guys want to get a beer first and play on my home wall?
Orangekyak: Ok. I'll bring my home wall over, too.
Wideguy: When do you want to come over?
Cracklover: I'm already here. I'm sitting on the couch next to you.
Jakedatc: Me too.
Wideguy: Sweet. What are you guys doing?
Cacklover: Writing a trip report about our trip to Rumney.
Jakedatc: Me too.
Wideguy: But we haven't gone yet.
Orangekyak: I need to post my pictures, too.
Go to Page Previous 1,2,3...,1135, 1136, 1137 Next
Allez. MassClimbers4Lyfe. Homard.
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robbovius
Jan 11, 2006, 3:57 PM
Post #702 of 977
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Oh my GO_WAD, that is FUCKING HILARIOUS! Look at me , I'm crying!
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subtle
Jan 13, 2006, 12:50 AM
Post #704 of 977
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In reply to: Im going to be buying a house and ive chosen between two styles. A nice big 3 bedroom ranch style with a basement, or an "A" frame house thats 2.5 stories high. So heres my problem i cant decide which cause since one day i want to be able to call myself a solid 5.9 climber (i can dream can't i?). should i buy the ranch style house and cut the floors out of two of the bedrooms and build my own climbing wall with multiple angles with walls i build myself. I would be more like a boulderer with this or just by the 2.5 story "A" with a 45 degree overhand and just install a belay station right next to the bathroom so i dont have to carry a container. i would be more like a big wall climber this way
You raise a fascinating question, one that is long overdue for deep ponderation...and I am just the guy for the job...I bet I can even do it while watching AutoRoute. Spot me close just in case, yo...
Ok, here's the crux of the problem...most of the time you're going to look for a house that really makes you feel comfortable, where you can feel at home. This is the worst thing you can do, brah...you'll never progress as a climber if you keep playing to your strengths and never develop any of your weaknesses. If you like pumpy enduro-routes, buy the 45 degree A-frame, nail some sick slopers to the wall and boulder your way to a V12...errr, P12, I guess...flash and a phat chalk sponsorship. If you get blown out after three moves, get a mini-mansion and start setting 50 move traverses into juggy spiral-staircase pump-fests. If you're afraid of heights, lease a condo downtown and jumar up the side instead of taking the stairs. Be careful setting up your portaledge in front of apartments with no curtains, though...being arrested for peeping is bad, but getting caught reading Urban Climber by the horrified tennant is way worse.
Allez. I don't read the articles, I just buy it for the pictures. Honest! Homard.
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oldtradman
Jan 13, 2006, 3:37 AM
Post #705 of 977
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Dear Oracle of n00b,
I was at the gym and overheard some kids talking about the Charmin' guy and what a strong climber he is. This really surprised me; Mr. Wipple just doesn't look like he has it in him.
What's the scoop?
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subtle
Jan 20, 2006, 12:34 AM
Post #706 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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In reply to: I am climbing at the gym and noticed my harness was different from everyone elses. I have a waist belt buckle, like they do, but no buckles on my leg loops. They make a circle, but no buckles. Did my buckles fall off? Is my harness still safe? Please answer quickly because I am at the top of the wall unwilling to commit my weight to the rope until I know (emailed this from my cell phone). Dude .... I am pumping out here
...ummm, on the off chance you haven't fallen to your death yet...let me get right on this one.
There's all kinds of harnesses, you see, and the one thing that they have in common is that they attach your rope to you in some allegedly safe fashion...in theory. I mean, you can totally make one out of a bunch of webbing and some...paper clips...or something...I think there's a diagram in Mountaineering - Freedom of the Hills. If you happen to have your copy with you at the top of the route, feel free to look it up...I'll wait. If you're really Old Skool, you may be wearing a Swami belt...which I think is a bunch of duct tape wound around your midsection with the rope kinda securely fastened with...umm, more tape...on there somewhere. If that's the case, the other two loops are for holding your Uriah Heap 8-tracks and your pet rock, obviously.
Another useful method is to check the price tag that's probably dangling from one of the gear loops. If it's like $397.77, you can totally relax...anything that expensive has to be good, right? It probably has air bags and anti-gravity flux capacitors and whatnot. Just push the OnStar button and explain that you're pumped out at the crux and need a...towtruck...and...ok, nevermind.
If you happen to check the price tag and it says XTREME SURPLUS CLOSEOUT - Climbering Strap for Rock - $8.99...well...it was nice knowing you, brah. Too bad you didn't bring any paper clips.
Oh, one other thing...you did remember to check your knot, no? If not, see a couple of posts ago for some useful safety advice you can use when you are re-incarnated as a trad climber.
Allez. I hope you're not dead. Homard.
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rockguide
Jan 20, 2006, 2:15 AM
Post #707 of 977
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In reply to: Allez. I hope you're not dead. Homard.
Thanks for the answer - I held on all this time, through an epic pump, because of advice I took from another post.
Yes, the creatine is good.
Brian
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shanz
Jan 22, 2006, 7:01 PM
Post #708 of 977
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Was too much of a decision for me i decided to save the money buy a tent and dirtbag it at the local crag - who wants a house anyway
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booger
Jan 23, 2006, 3:26 PM
Post #709 of 977
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Hello Noob,
I've decided to trade in my current car for a Love Hut (some kind of climbing-person house-on-wheels). Here's the tricky part... I'm a hybrid: I boulder, I climb sport, I climb trad. Okay, I meant mutant. What is the right kind of bus to cover all of my lifestyle needs? I'll need plenty of fridge space for Red Bull, somewhere to hang my sweaty spandex so it doesn't get hair mousse on it, and of course some gear-separation bins for my 600+ kg rack. Please help, as I want to make sure all the other cars on the road know I'm a climber, not some sort of Grateful Dead revivalist (not that they ever toured Europe)... does that mean I can't get a Volkswagon?
Boy, I'm glad I didn't take up Aid climbing!
Taz
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cchildre
Jan 23, 2006, 5:19 PM
Post #710 of 977
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Registered: May 5, 2004
Posts: 671
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Forgive me Noob!
If this has been covered in the first 56 pages of posts already. I just wanted you opinion of my plans to elevate my on sighting 5.14.
First, I have watched 'Cliffhanger' 50 times, interspercesed with a few 'Vertical Limit'-'s and David Lee Roths " "Stranger Than Paradise". I have never tied a knot just yet but I think I am ready to head to YOS and solo the Nose. I paid some neighborhood kids to ride in my trunk of my car up to the valley to be my "Sherpas" but I can only fit seven in there meaing I will still carry half of my 150' rack. Wait....Stallone never used a rope! So can I scratch the kids in the trunk and just take my rope and harness just in case I need to tyro to another pinnacle....off the nose. Do I need to take some gear? Should I watch another movie like 'Alive'....they climbed eating human jerky! Ohhh...and I want to do a one armed pinky pull up....how do I get that strong?
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subtle
Jan 24, 2006, 3:09 AM
Post #711 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: I've decided to trade in my current car for a Love Hut (some kind of climbing-person house-on-wheels). Here's the tricky part... I'm a hybrid: I boulder, I climb sport, I climb trad. Okay, I meant mutant. What is the right kind of bus to cover all of my lifestyle needs? I'll need plenty of fridge space for Red Bull, somewhere to hang my sweaty spandex so it doesn't get hair mousse on it, and of course some gear-separation bins for my 600+ kg rack. Please help, as I want to make sure all the other cars on the road know I'm a climber, not some sort of Grateful Dead revivalist (not that they ever toured Europe)... does that mean I can't get a Volkswagon? Boy, I'm glad I didn't take up Aid climbing!
Hmmmm, now for most people, this would be an easy answer. I'd go blah, blah, blah pimp, blah blah blah, yo!...for a couple of sentences, then tell you to go buy a Westfalia van with a built in mini-fridge like everybody else. Then, and here's the tricky part, you give it some kinda cutesy name...like The Butter Wagon...to differentiate it from the Land O' Flaker, the Kool Whipper and the Crisco Crimper, all of which are lined up in the dairy aisle in the parking lot at the Happy Boulders.
But you, my dear girldrifter, are far more stylish than that.
I considered a number of things. An ambulance...a hearse...an ice cream truck. All had pluses and minuses...but none of them was right, y'know. Then, it hit me.
A parade float.
Want to stand out in a crowd of sterilized, homogenized off-taupe 'burb beaters? Try rolling up in a 40 foot long yellow and black bumblebee covered in two-week old flowers, trailing a leftover prom queen and half a marching band...now that's some dope steeze, yo. Then, you skid your land yacht...complete with giant banner reading YEAH BEEOTCH! made of lemons, or something...to a stop right on top of some North Face wearing gumb with $200 approach shoes. Jump out in a kilt, a pair of Dragons and a flaming Viking helmet and yell "Which way to the V11, I need to warm up, yo!"
I'd be impressed, no doubt about it. I'd also pee on myself.
Allez. BZzzzzZZzzzz. Homard.
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tradrenn
Jan 24, 2006, 3:30 AM
Post #712 of 977
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Registered: Jan 16, 2005
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Dear Noob
I would like to have a climbing girlfriend. For that reason I climb sport and trad and I even started to boulder and I still have no takers, so I was just wandering if I should get a d--k extender like BMW or BENZ ?
Please help me.
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lewisiarediviva
Jan 24, 2006, 3:42 AM
Post #713 of 977
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In reply to: Try rolling up in a 40 foot long yellow and black bumblebee covered in two-week old flowers, trailing a leftover prom queen and half a marching band....
Oh wise Sage, we humbly meditate upon your beautiful words of wisdom.
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subtle
Jan 26, 2006, 3:18 AM
Post #714 of 977
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In reply to: I would like to have a climbing girlfriend. For that reason I climb sport and trad and I even started to boulder and I still have no takers, so I was just wandering if I should get a d--k extender like BMW or BENZ ?
Bro, this is your lucky day...for real.
Had you not posted this question, you'd probably be down at the local UberBahn AutoFunkenKraft dealership taking out a $96,000 loan at 19% for a black-on-black BMW M5. A fine ride, by any measure, but there's just one little problem...climbers hate nice cars. Hate them, I tell you. Why? Well, there's all sorts of reasons...it's an individualistic sport, y'know. Be on the lookout for the following, though:
The Playa Hater - His mildly pimped Corrolla was the dope steeze until your exhaust melted his plastic spinner hubcaps. Will look at you with scathing loathing and probably almost key your car...totally almost.
The Earth Mother - Your car uses enough gasoline in a day to feed a third-world village for 763 years...or...errr, something like that. Drives a hybrid solar/biodiesel Westfalia van and smells like patchouli, burning insulation and fryolater oil. Won't say much, but will mutter 'despoiler, despoiler' as you walk by.
The Righeous Indignant - Your car is a symbol of everything that is wrong in the country...the world...and the universe. Darth Vader built your car out of baby seal bones in hell. He'd totally give you a talking to, if he didn't have issues with interpersonal conflict.
The bottom line is this...I don't know who's going to do it...but it's a dead certain lock that someone is going to be setting your car on fire as you do battle with the third bolt of your 5.7- proj. Then, just as the first tears roll down your cheek...a giant bumblebee will pull up next to you and Girldrifter will jump out yelling "Who's making hot dogs? I love barbecue!"
So..yeah...a BMW will help you meet women. And get laughed at by them.
Allez. I like my burger medium, please. Homard.
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subtle
Feb 1, 2006, 12:30 AM
Post #715 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: Forgive me Noob! If this has been covered in the first 56 pages of posts already. I just wanted you opinion of my plans to elevate my on sighting 5.14. First, I have watched 'Cliffhanger' 50 times, interspercesed with a few 'Vertical Limit'-'s and David Lee Roths " "Stranger Than Paradise". I have never tied a knot just yet but I think I am ready to head to YOS and solo the Nose. I paid some neighborhood kids to ride in my trunk of my car up to the valley to be my "Sherpas" but I can only fit seven in there meaing I will still carry half of my 150' rack. Wait....Stallone never used a rope! So can I scratch the kids in the trunk and just take my rope and harness just in case I need to tyro to another pinnacle....off the nose. Do I need to take some gear? Should I watch another movie like 'Alive'....they climbed eating human jerky! Ohhh...and I want to do a one armed pinky pull up....how do I get that strong?
Ummm...ok...I forgive you. Was that creepy for anyone else? Yeah, I thought so...
You are truly a man of many questions, none of which I am remotely qualified to answer...save one. Should I watch another movie like 'Alive'. If you're the sort of person who likes to warm up for a bouldering sesh with the Extreme Ankle Fractures - Volume IV DVD...or perhaps re-read the failure specs on your rope and cams before going trad climbing...then by all means go ahead. I know nothing gets me psyched to send more than being graphically reminded of the hideous life-changing consequences of minor failure while climbing. You know what makes a dope snack while watching Alive...some beef jerky...and snowmelt. I like to eat mine out of a sweater for extra realism.
'Allez' is actually French for We'll Eat You First if Things Go Bad. Not many people know that.
Allez. Yeah, you. Homard.
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karina
Feb 1, 2006, 8:35 PM
Post #716 of 977
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Registered: Feb 1, 2005
Posts: 31
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Hey Noob,
I need you advice. I'm a newly single climbing (sport, if it's relevant) girl.
I've been exploring my dating options. My first thought was to pick through the assortment of choices amongst the local climbing crowd. There is a beneficial girl to boy ratio. My dilemma is what type of climber to go for. The boulderers are pretty hot, sending projects with their shirts off. Sport climbers...the obvious benefit of having a combo boyfriend/climbing partner. And then there's the trad bunch...who also have a certain "je ne sais quoi" about them.
Please provide me with some insight on this matter.
Thanks
K.
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nevenneve
Feb 5, 2006, 3:08 AM
Post #717 of 977
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Registered: Jul 15, 2004
Posts: 454
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In reply to: Dear Noob I would like to have a climbing girlfriend. For that reason I climb sport and trad and I even started to boulder and I still have no takers, so I was just wandering if I should get Karina a BMW or BENZ ? Please help me. |
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subtle
Feb 7, 2006, 1:32 AM
Post #718 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: I'm a newly single climbing (sport, if it's relevant) girl. I've been exploring my dating options. My first thought was to pick through the assortment of choices amongst the local climbing crowd. There is a beneficial girl to boy ratio. My dilemma is what type of climber to go for. The boulderers are pretty hot, sending projects with their shirts off. Sport climbers...the obvious benefit of having a combo boyfriend/climbing partner. And then there's the trad bunch...who also have a certain "je ne sais quoi" about them.
Whoa, whoa, whoa crazy girl...you absolutely can't go spraying French around trad climbers. Everybody knows that. People will immediately assume you're some sort of testosterone-deficient bolt-clipping sport-weenie...which...ummm...you are, I guess...kinda by definition, being a woman sport climber and all. Ummm...yeah.
Dating a boulderer is very much like dating a puppy. Oooh, he's so cute. He runs around all over, messes up your apartment and poops in novel and inappropriate places. Stare deep into his eyes and he will stare into your soul, rub his belly and he will love you forever...but take off your clothes in a moment of passion and he will...ummm...run around and possibly...errr, poop...somewhere. Also, be prepared to spend a lot of time in a dank cave while he endlessly fondles the crux holds of the proj...ever thought you could be jealous of a crimper? You can.
Dating a sport climber is an exercise in freakish co-dependency with a side order of passive-agressive behavior garnished with self loathing. If your boyfriend is stronger than you, he will despise you yet need the validation your inferiority provides. If you are stronger than him, he will hate you for emasculating him in his extra-snug redpoint spandex and seek to subvert your achievements by giving you bad beta and short roping you through the crux. Ideally, you will both develop psychologically-based eating disorders and take up chain smoking to relax. Your relationship is 99% likely to end with him dangling 25 feet off the deck, tied off to a tree and sceaming profanity as you develop a sudden interest in bouldering.
So...should you date a Trad climber? I've never actually met one, but from what I read online they are clearly virile men of adventure, wild and free like lions...or eagles...or some sort of magical eagle-lion...an eagle-lion with a righteous rack. Check it out, he's totally got triples from .5 to 3", with an outrageous set of aliens and enough bongs, chocks, hexes, squidgies, and nuts to nearly fill a blacked-out Chevy panel van. Stop on over and he'll show you...it's the one with the missing rear bumper...cause, y'know...Layton Kor sawed it into pitons back in '73. Bring some beer...and...corned beef hash, if you have any. Oh, toilet paper. Yeah. And more beer.
Allez. Be strong, sister. Homard.
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dirtineye
Feb 21, 2006, 7:08 PM
Post #719 of 977
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Registered: Mar 29, 2003
Posts: 5590
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This thread must not fall to the second page.
Someone is not holding their end up.
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mikej
Feb 21, 2006, 9:27 PM
Post #720 of 977
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Registered: Feb 7, 2006
Posts: 210
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nOOBmaster,
Excited from seeing the incredibly accurate climbing movie, "vertical limit", i was wondering when i climb with 8 friends on the same rope, if someone falls, endangering the rest of us, who do we cut loose first (8 being lowest, 1 being highest) ? Please respond quickly as our rope is about to break and my parents roof is very high. Lucky for me i have my necessary palm pilot on me for sticky situations.
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gt29905
Feb 21, 2006, 10:44 PM
Post #721 of 977
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Registered: Oct 1, 2005
Posts: 167
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I'm an eagle-lion. Well, kind of... you know... I've got potential.
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sactownclimber
Feb 22, 2006, 12:06 AM
Post #722 of 977
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Registered: Jan 2, 2005
Posts: 216
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dear nOOb,
I ashamed to admit that I have slacked off and have not been reading this thread lately. Since I had the afternoon off, I went back and have been trying to read the last ten pages or so, but rc.com has been notoriously slow as of late, and I've spent about the last three hours pressing the "next page" link, hoping I could actually make some reasonable amount of progress through the thread. With your vast knowledge of the interweb, maybe you could make some suggestions to the rc.com powers-that-be about improving the reliablity of this site so that other rc.com nOObs can easily peruse all 97 pages of this great thread.
Also, it's been a while since you posted a "Ask the nOOb" recap . . . maybe you could just edit your very first post to include a page-by-page synopsis so that we can browse to our favorite topics more easily.
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subtle
Feb 23, 2006, 12:43 AM
Post #723 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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Ahhh, fresh questions...excellent. Let me just blow the dust off my keyboard and get to work...ummm...which will be a couple of days, when I get back from a family trip I have to go on. As always, please feel free to post questions and I'll work through them when I return.
Allez. It's been so long, I barely remember my catch phrase. Homard.
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canadian_mentat
Feb 23, 2006, 12:59 PM
Post #724 of 977
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Registered: Feb 23, 2006
Posts: 1
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Dear nOOb:
I am a hardcore sport climber with a serious dilemma. You see, I climb with the new SuperSportUltra9000 Harness which weighs in at under 2 oz. but only has two gear loops (which are made of dental floss in order to cut down on weight). The problem is that there simply isn't enough room on the gear loops to fit everything I need to work my latest (and hardest) ill proj. (I'm tentatively calling it "Let's See Sharma Do This" and I think it'll go at around 5.16d). I need to bring about 15 draws (the proj. only has 6 bolts but I might drop draws while trying to clip due to the unbearable pump), a spare pair of size 4 Testarossas (I climb with Venoms but while I was rap-bolting the proj. I noticed a place where I might have to pull a rad heel hook that might pull my left slipper right off my foot so I need to bring the Testarossas up with me in case I have to switch shoes), my camcorder (I'm going to need video evidence so I can prove I actually sent the proj. plus I'm going to need something to send to all of my future sponsors so they'll want to sign me), a can of mousse along with a mirror and comb (I don't want to look bad on camera), a spare bag of loose chalk (there's no way my chalk bag will fit enough to finish the route), a rappel device (I wouldn't want to lower through the anchors when I finally send the proj.) and a few leaver-biners (so I can get down without leaving draws behind when the proj. spits me off).
I'm thinking about putting some of this gear on a gear sling. If I go this route, I was also thinking about bringing up some natural pro with me so that I can place some pieces in between the bolts. They're spaced pretty far apart and as far as I'm concerned, taking repeated 10' whippers while trying to work out the crux sequence would be crazy (I don't even know if my 4.5mm rope would hold those kinds of falls). I could borrow some Aliens from my trad-climbing friend. What do you think? If I do this will I still be sport climbing? I don't think so...I think I'd be doing some kind of sport/trad hybrid climbing. I could call it spad climbing I guess.
Also, if I decide to go with the spad technique, should I bring along some ham sammiches? I don't know if that would be a good idea because they seem very fattening (I only eat about half of banana a day in order to keep myself light so I can send harder proj's...I'm 6' 2" and right now I weigh 127 lbs.) and I don’t know how I’d carry them as I don’t have any pockets in my spandex capris…Would I still be able to wear my spandex capris? Would I have to wear a shirt?
Please help.
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lewisiarediviva
Feb 24, 2006, 4:43 AM
Post #725 of 977
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Registered: Aug 1, 2004
Posts: 527
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Noob,
What will happen when this thread has been viewed 1,000,000 times? I noticed tonight when looking at "My Topics" that the viewed column appears to only hold 6 digits. And this thread has like 111,867 or something views. Will 1,000,000 views be the end of the world as we know it?
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epoch
Moderator
Feb 27, 2006, 12:05 PM
Post #727 of 977
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Registered: Apr 28, 2005
Posts: 32163
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In reply to: This thread must not fall to the second page. Someone is not holding their end up.
In response to this...
Dear Noob,
Why don't the forum moderators make this a permanent sticky at the top of the page? I've always had difficulties in finding your advice after it has fallen down the forum.
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subtle
Mar 1, 2006, 12:37 AM
Post #728 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: Excited from seeing the incredibly accurate climbing movie, "vertical limit", i was wondering when i climb with 8 friends on the same rope, if someone falls, endangering the rest of us, who do we cut loose first (8 being lowest, 1 being highest) ? Please respond quickly as our rope is about to break and my parents roof is very high.
I don't think you'll have to pick anyone...but we'll get to that in a second.
All of the sportos and trad-trolls are no doubt screaming "Cut the boulderer loose!"...and this would be a fine idea, except chances are he didn't understand what the rope was for in the first place, never tied in, and has just been kinda tagging along with the group waiting for the rad moves, yo. Personally, I'd suggest lopping off a trad climber, not out of any inherent malice or anti-trad sentiment...I just want to see someone actually do all the stuff these guys talk about. I want to see Crusty McPiton reach into that 60lb Sanford & Son rack and whip out some self-swaging locking chock-nuts, a brace of angle cleetons and a reverse prusik and levitate his ass back to safety. I'll never get to see it, though. Here's why.
As soon as you start furtively glancing around in search of ummm...a volunteer...someone who's watched Masters of Nearly Dying, Vol 5 is going to discover their inner free-soloist and start frantically waving their arm like Hermione Grainger in potions class trying to get your attention. Generally, this person has not seen the sequel About to Fall to My Death with a Pantload of Dooky, Volume 6...so now you know what to get them for Christmas.
Allez. Dookie...the send killer. Homard.
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tradrenn
Mar 1, 2006, 5:10 AM
Post #729 of 977
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Registered: Jan 16, 2005
Posts: 2990
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THE ONE AND ONLY NOOB !!!
Please be so kind and advise all of us what to do with those damn ALIENS
Thank You
Tradrenn
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mikej
Mar 1, 2006, 6:12 PM
Post #730 of 977
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Registered: Feb 7, 2006
Posts: 210
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thanks subtle,
well said and carrying out the plan as advised.... :lol:
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bdplayer
Mar 1, 2006, 6:24 PM
Post #731 of 977
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Registered: Jun 26, 2003
Posts: 195
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Dear N00b-
My buddies asked me to go slabbing with them the other day and got really offended when I whalloped them up the side of the the head. Did I commit an offense of climbing eitiquitte?
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subtle
Mar 4, 2006, 2:30 AM
Post #732 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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In reply to: Dear nOOb: I am a hardcore sport climber with a serious dilemma. You see, I climb with the new SuperSportUltra9000 Harness which weighs in at under 2 oz. but only has two gear loops (which are made of dental floss in order to cut down on weight). The problem is that there simply isn't enough room on the gear loops to fit everything I need to work my latest (and hardest) ill proj. (I'm tentatively calling it "Let's See Sharma Do This" and I think it'll go at around 5.16d). I need to bring about 15 draws (the proj. only has 6 bolts but I might drop draws while trying to clip due to the unbearable pump), a spare pair of size 4 Testarossas (I climb with Venoms but while I was rap-bolting the proj. I noticed a place where I might have to pull a rad heel hook that might pull my left slipper right off my foot so I need to bring the Testarossas up with me in case I have to switch shoes), my camcorder (I'm going to need video evidence so I can prove I actually sent the proj. plus I'm going to need something to send to all of my future sponsors so they'll want to sign me), a can of mousse along with a mirror and comb (I don't want to look bad on camera), a spare bag of loose chalk (there's no way my chalk bag will fit enough to finish the route), a rappel device (I wouldn't want to lower through the anchors when I finally send the proj.) and a few leaver-biners (so I can get down without leaving draws behind when the proj. spits me off). I'm thinking about putting some of this gear on a gear sling. If I go this route, I was also thinking about bringing up some natural pro with me so that I can place some pieces in between the bolts. They're spaced pretty far apart and as far as I'm concerned, taking repeated 10' whippers while trying to work out the crux sequence would be crazy (I don't even know if my 4.5mm rope would hold those kinds of falls). I could borrow some Aliens from my trad-climbing friend. What do you think? If I do this will I still be sport climbing? I don't think so...I think I'd be doing some kind of sport/trad hybrid climbing. I could call it spad climbing I guess. Also, if I decide to go with the spad technique, should I bring along some ham sammiches? I don't know if that would be a good idea because they seem very fattening (I only eat about half of banana a day in order to keep myself light so I can send harder proj's...I'm 6' 2" and right now I weigh 127 lbs.) and I don’t know how I’d carry them as I don’t have any pockets in my spandex capris…Would I still be able to wear my spandex capris? Would I have to wear a shirt? Please help.
Oh. My. Goodness. Longest question ever. Actually, I'm not sure it's the longest question ever, because I kinda...aaaah, fell asleep...for a little bit there. Er, sorry. I did like the part when you start kinda answering your own questions, which is cool. You're like one of those Artificial Intelligence Neural Networks on the SciFi channel...y'know, you became self-aware, started answering questions...and...decided to kill Sarah Connor to prevent her son from defeating your futuristic machine empire. I'm sure you have a lot of work to do, Agent Smith, so I'll get right to some of your more pressing concerns.
In reply to: I'd be doing some kind of sport/trad hybrid climbing. I could call it spad climbing I guess. Also, if I decide to go with the spad technique, should I bring along some ham sammiches?
Psssh, amateur. If you're going to hybridize trad and sport, you're going to have to cross-conjugate the food, too, cyber-broham. You'd bring spam sandwiches. The proud and adventurous porcine soul of trad, mixed with the bland homogenity of sport climbing. Nice try there, Optimus Prime.
In reply to: I could borrow some Aliens from my trad-climbing friend. What do you think?
Tell your friend to hop on over to MySpaz.com and start shopping for a new best buddy...because you're going to die. I was walking past a rack of Aliens at my local gear whoreatorium and three of the bastards exploded into flame for no particular reason. It it was like a bomb made of sprockets and gears and tape and chewing gum and poorly-swaged cable whoosy-whatsits. No thanks. Stick to your 'natural pro', whatever that is...are you planning on girth hitching a tangerine and some driftwood?
Aliens are no use to you, anyway. We humans always win against Aliens. Sigourney Weaver is like 4 - 0 lifetime, man. Look at ET...he saw what time it was and surrendered to a nine year old. Friend...riiiight. Weak sauce.
@113z. 1010 0110 1101 0110 1011 0000 H0m4rd.
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clumsychic
Mar 4, 2006, 3:50 PM
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Wise Noob, answer me this...
I'm am the greenest ever, climbed-in-a-gym-a-handful-of times- desperately-trying-to break-into-the-sport- don't- even-consider-myself-a- real-climber NOOB. But thats the least of my problems. You see, I am at a crossroads. Whats keeping me off the rocks you ask? I am a hardcore highschool cheerleader. How can I survive in such a split universe? I'm sick of furtively burying callouses and blisters in my pom poms. I am even a little worried about the white chalky residue all over everything I own, especially my varsity jacket! I don't want advice on getting rock chalk out of wool, per say, but I would love some suggestions on fitting climbing into this which is starting to seem impossible. Theres always a hint of awkwardness when I explain that I might be a little late for practice because I am, er, going somewhere. I have started to say I'm at the "mall" which I think is the right idea.
Please help noob, or I'll have to somehow make the captains understand my stubby fingernails and that strange metal locking device someone found in my cute new purse.....
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steezy
Mar 5, 2006, 4:01 AM
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Hmmmm. I seemed to have lost 48 pages there, where oh where did they go? Anyway, here I am and I'm happy. Wheres the rockclimbing cheer?
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tagaustatoppen
Mar 5, 2006, 5:04 AM
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Oh WISE nOoB,
I am really interested in SOLOing what is the approved method for soloing? also what kind of sandwich's do you think i need to make in order to become a better soloist? And how many do you expect I should take with me for say 5 days of climbing?
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ecjohnson
Mar 5, 2006, 5:49 AM
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clumsychic, the chalk doesn't really get all over everything you own, just your climbing clothes and gear, and the inside of whatever bag you use. Anyways, to your main question. Does it really matter that you were climbing? If anyone gives you shit for going climbing, then they clearly have no clue. Just tell everyone exactly the reasons for your short, scratched, dirty fingernails, and the little scrapes, and nicks all over your hands... it makes you look tough. And that that metal "clippy thing" is a carabiner, and tell them that they are strong enough to hold a light car. Amazing information about climbing always shuts people up in my experience. And you're already lying about going climbing. You're already up there with the rest of us, now you are gonna have to come up with some excuses as to why you went climbing, instead of something else important. Like Friday, when I skipped class to go explore an area with some new routes that we heard about. But my Marketing teacher thought I was, well it doesn't matter, I skipped class. Granted I am in college, and it's a bit easier to skip class. The nice thing about gym climbing is that they are often open pretty late... like at least 10p.m. At my gym here, you can pay a bit more for a membership where I can actually get a key to the gym so that I can go even after-hours. I don't pay for that though, I like to sleep. You're not limited by daylight at gyms. Go late, or go early. I have a full class load, an internship, training for the cycling season (2-4 hours a day with one off day a week,) and I still manage to get climbing about 3 times/week. Usually once outside, and a couple times inside. But as the days get longer, I'll be outside all week. One other thing is that having your own gear makes it a lot easier. It's easy to just grab it and go on short notice inside or out. And you don't have to use those nasty gym shoes, and you have your own harness that you know is comfy. You clearly don't need to worry about anything more than a harness, shoes, and chalk bag for now. You'll know when it's time for more gear. I say this as I sit looking at rack laying on the floor, and remember when I had just a harness, shoes, and chalk bag. Damn I'm a gear whore. It's addicting, pretty much just like a bad drug habit. Hell, if you scratch your nose with chalk on your hands, it even looks like you have a bad drug habit. soon you'll be missing things for climbing, spending money left and right on climbing. Passing out at 8:30 because of your long day of climibng, staying up till 3 a.m. sitting around the fire chatting/drinking with your climbing buddies and not showering for between 2 and 15 days while on a climbing trip. It all starts so innocently, and it ends up consuming your life. Yeah it's exactly like a bad drug habit! :lol:
I hope my nonsensical babbling helps you. PM me if you have any other questions. I always have too much to say.
Welcome to the club, enjoy!
Edited to correct late night, tired stupidity
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justafurnaceman
Mar 5, 2006, 12:21 PM
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In reply to: clumsychic, the chalk doesn't really get all over everything you own, blah, blah, blah, blah, .....
Deer nOOb,
how do we get these silly people to refrain from ANSWERING questions from other people. Don't they realize that us 'Ask The Noob' followers depend on the wisdom of your advice for EVERYTHING that we do. When we get up in the morning the first thing that I do is check this thread to know what kind of underwear to put on. When I go to eat breakfast I check this thread to know if I should eat ham, or spam, or whatever kind of sandwhiches now. Before I go to work I check this thread to know what kind of gear I need. Then at night before I go and spend time with the Mrs. I check here to know what kind of protection I need.
WE NEED THY WORDS OH HOLY nOOb mASTEr! Please, how do we kindly tell these people to refrain from answering questions because it'll disrubt our flow of life. (If we were in the Community Forum we would tell him to ST*U, but isn't that too harsh? I mean he was just trying to be helpful??)
Thanks.
KUNG PAO
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justthemaid
Mar 5, 2006, 5:09 PM
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In reply to: clumsychic, the chalk doesn't really get all over everything you own, blah, blah, blah, blah, .....
EGAD!
Is it just my imagination or did that guy just really try to give a sincere answer? Has he been living in Siberia for the last year? He seems lonely. I think he was hitting on her. What do you think Noob?
If you think he's muzzling in on your gig we can track him down and beat him up for you.
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ecjohnson
Mar 5, 2006, 5:23 PM
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I was bored and tired, and it just kind of kept going. I didn't plan on all of that at all. It was mostly mindless babbling, and a little bit sincere. Really it was a severe case of diarrhea of the mouth, or keyboard I guess. And no, I was not hitting on her. That's just creepy.
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hillbillywannabe
Mar 5, 2006, 6:50 PM
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oh where oh where has our amazing noob gone? oh where oh where could he be.... *lala*
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hoofers_andy
Mar 5, 2006, 7:09 PM
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dear nOOb-
i have been a hard core rock climber for at least three months now. i have been going to that climbing gym place at least once every month and i am really good now and am super committed to the climber lifestyle. the only thing i don't like is that all of those guys with the big forearms and little hats are always looking at me funny when i am climbing on the rocks in the gym with my rental harness and blue shoes on (which are super cool by the way. i pick up so many girls when i wear them out, because then everyone knows i am a mountain climber)
i want to open my own gym now because i am so committed to this sport. how much will it cost to open a gym? can you walk me through the entire business plan? how high should it be? i don't like going more than 3 feet up, because it gets scary. can i make the gym three feet high?
oh, and i'm not going to have all of those funny colored tapes in my gym. the kids at the birthday parties are always way faster at getting up the walls using the big rocks on the walls, so i don't understand why people only try to touch the rocks with the same colored tape on them. that makes it hard.
please help me open my own gym. thanks nOOb!
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subtle
Mar 7, 2006, 12:16 AM
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In reply to: Dear N00b- My buddies asked me to go slabbing with them the other day and got really offended when I whalloped them up the side of the the head. Did I commit an offense of climbing eitiquitte?
I don't think so...unless you...ummm, whalloped them...with a resin bag of pof and jingused up their texture. I also assume you didn't use a chisel or stiff wire brush to 'aggressively clean' your friends, regardless of how much they might need it. When you're done, be sure to use a soft bristled brush or a rag to scrub off any tick marks you have made on your friends to identify them from a distance. As always, gather up your friends and pack them out with you...leaving your posse strewn around the area will lead to access issues and promote ill-will toward climbers.
Allez. Get your...whallop, I guess...on. Homard.
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subtle
Mar 7, 2006, 12:32 AM
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In reply to: oh where oh where has our amazing noob gone? oh where oh where could he be.... *lala*
Umm...talking to hot chicks on the internet? Yeah, right. Training to be a cage fighter? (sigh)...sadly, also not the case.
Ok, I'm sitting on the couch watching The Life.
Allez. AutoRoute is next. Homard.
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erin
Mar 7, 2006, 2:59 AM
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Dear NooB,
I can't find those suction cup devices anywhere! HELP!
See, I have been reading the posts about how bolts ruin the rock and are unattractive and stuff, and I have a GREAT idea.
We can buy the suction cup things (like on the movies, you know) and put them on all the routes instead of bolting them. Then you can just clip into the suction loops.
I have done some research with a suction soap dish in my shower and I am convinced they will hold factor 22 lead falls.
Let me know where to find them and I will replace all the bolts at my local crag with them. This is the next big thing...I know it!
Sincerely,
Enthusiastic Suction Cupper
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warthog
Mar 7, 2006, 5:21 AM
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Oh mighty NOOB why does my calico cat (named Calico) climb up on the roof of the yurt in the summer but not in the winter when there is snow on it? I figure that she just doesn't want to , but my climbing partner says she is avoiding avalanche hazard. I've seen her dig a pit to observe snow layers (at least I think that's what she's doing) but then she latrines in it and fills it back in. My partner leads 5.10 and his brother works for NOLS so I figure he knows what he's talking about. Any thoughts?
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subtle
Mar 9, 2006, 1:10 AM
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In reply to: I am really interested in SOLOing what is the approved method for soloing? also what kind of sandwich's do you think i need to make in order to become a better soloist? And how many do you expect I should take with me for say 5 days of climbing?
I was reading an article in one of the glossy rags where an old-skool, zenned-out Uber-Hardman defined a sucessful free-soloist as someone who was still alive. You may or may not agree with the ethics...or sanity...of soloing, but you can't argue with his logic, broham. But wait, here's the best part:
You are still alive...err, I hope...and are therefore a sucessful free soloist. Poof! It's like magic. Hey, I'm alive too. Shazam!
Now that we're both hardcore free-soloing ninjas we can totally look down on all other climbers, just like we always dreamed of. Oooh, think you brought enough protection there, Mr. Trad...ahem...hard...man? Another 50lbs should do the trick. Watch out Sporty, you might chip a nail clipping that draw...I hear the crux is shaking out and re-moussing. Don't fall from up there, Drood, that boulder is several feet high...you could bruise. Man, we're cool.
In the unlikely event you actually do elect to put your hard-won soloist pimpitude to the test, I think you might want to go with something...errr, light to eat. Might I suggest...angelfood cake.
Allez. I'm staying on the couch, where it's safe. Homard.
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subtle
Mar 14, 2006, 1:12 AM
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In reply to: Wheres the rockclimbing cheer?
This is the single most mind-boggling question ever. I was halfway to constructing a giant planet-sized supercomputer to ponder it for a billion years, then I just decided to...y'know...make some stuff up. It's way faster. So, here goes...
I strongly suspect the lack of rock climbing cheers is directly correlated to the lack of rock climbing cheerleaders...with the hypothetically notable exception of clumsychic. I say hypothetically, because if I had a nickle for every online highschool cheerleader I sent my credit card number who turned out to be a 47 year old plumber from New Jersey...well...ummm...I'd be a creepy wierdo. Yeah. Anyhow, moving right along.
Ok, so, next time you're mid-send on your proj du jour, take a quick look behind you. There'll be a dog peeing on your lunch, the girl you're trying to impress sleeping on the crashpad underneath you, your best bro ogling the girl while stealing your tape/chalk/wallet/clif bar, and some random filthy guy who appeared out of the woods staring a little too closely at your posterior and yelling DO IT! C'MON DO IT! DO IT! YAAAAAAH! at strange and inappropriate moments. There he is...your cheerleader. No credit card required.
Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate?
Allez, allez! Hooooooomard!
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jercech
Mar 14, 2006, 8:56 PM
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I feel dirty.
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boardline22
Mar 18, 2006, 7:08 AM
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Dear Sir NOOB
I am going trad climbing today and since it is St. Patty's Day I was wondering if I could eat cornbeef instead of ham. I figure this will eather kill me or save me, so please let me know.
Waiting at pitch 2
Boardline22
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viciado
Mar 23, 2006, 6:59 PM
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So um, I'm like looking at 50 pages of ask the noob... with all this experience are you still a noob? Can we still depend on your unsullied inexperience or is this the end?
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tisar
Mar 24, 2006, 12:56 PM
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Dear n00b.
I started climbing two years ago. Shortly afterwards it came clear I would be in the need for a ropegun if ever I wanted to climb something which does not resemble my appartment's staircase. Luckily my parents provided me with something appropriate: I talked my younger brother into climbing, which seemed to work out pretty well for a while.
Unfortunately he improved to an amount, he's about to climb things I can hardly follow him any more. Things which don't even resemble other people's staircases!
Now I'm really scared, he will turn his back on me and go for 'the real stuff', leaving me alone with my fingers taped and a pile of unopened ham sammiches.
So here's my question: Do you know how I can hinder my brother from further improvement, preferably without causing visible damage (since I don't want to overshadow next x-mas with those discussions) or cut on his useability as rope monkey?
Thanks a lot in advance!
- Daniel
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subtle
Mar 25, 2006, 2:56 AM
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In reply to: So here's my question: Do you know how I can hinder my brother from further improvement, preferably without causing visible damage (since I don't want to overshadow next x-mas with those discussions) or cut on his useability as rope monkey?
In reply to: So um, I'm like looking at 50 pages of ask the noob... with all this experience are you still a noob? Can we still depend on your unsullied inexperience or is this the end?
The answers to these two questions are so shockingly similar, it only seemed logical to simul-answer them...which is, incidentally, how the Huber brothers keep shattering all those email speed records from the Camp 4 Starbucks WiFi hotspot. They also will steal your bagel if you don't guard it...y'know...so keep an eye out for that. Anyway...
Am I still a N00B after 50 pages of creatively recombined regurgitated KinderSpeak and out-and-out slanderous rumor-mongering? Hells yeah, brah. I mean...I'm even pretty much still using the same jokes as on Page 1. One of these days you guys are going to catch on to me, and then I'll actually have to stop picking on Trad climbers and...I dunno...get off the couch and climb something...and that's just crazy talk.
So, then, assuming you had access to a gigantic stream of potentially lethal drivel masquerading as practical climbing advice...(hint, hint)...how would one schadenfreudically assist one's brother into...oh, I dunno, let's say progressing...down a few grades over time? Piece of cake, bro. Just leave your RC.com account logged in, wait 'till he wanders by, and say the magic words:
Dude, check out that Ask the N00B thread...I hear Chris Sharma reads it.
And a 9862 post, V0+ projecting climber is born. You probably wondered where they came from...now you know.
Remember, if your bagel is gone and there's a bunch of fixed line leading to a guy with a pony tail...well, you were warned.
Allez. Check his pockets. Homard.
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subtle
Mar 25, 2006, 3:07 AM
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As an ironic side note, I am actually going to get off the couch and climb something this weekend. I'll be spending a few days at Hueco Tanks pimping V0s and trying to hang off Esperanza long enough for the autofocus on my partner's camera to lock on and take a picture. As always, post your questions and I'll...do whatever it is I do...when I return.
Allez. If you see me on Esperanza, I'll be the blurry one. Homard.
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dirtineye
Mar 25, 2006, 3:14 AM
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You are as funny at 50 pages as you were at page 1.
My question is, oh great and wise noob, how are the movie rights coming along, and who is negotiating for you in hollywood?
You are the Douglass Adams of climbing.
So long for now, and thanks for all the ham sammys.
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ffaallliinngg
Mar 29, 2006, 7:45 AM
Post #755 of 977
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Dear nOOb,
I just read that Michael Reardon got an award for onsight free soloing a multipitch 5.12B. They said he was badass and had a lot of balls.
My question is this: did he really have a lot of balls? I mean, were any of the pitches run out or anything?
Sincerely,
ffaallliinngg
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heiko
Mar 29, 2006, 8:28 AM
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Dear N00b,
I'd like to make me some tape gloves because I want to be the only really cool guy here in this limestone area who does face climbing with taped hands. But my hands are as hairy as King Kong's (palms, too, of course), and I'm an utter sissy... what can I do? I'm sure I will die when I try to remove the tape from my hands.
I need a solution by Friday tho, because girldrifter and some other friends will be coming down, and I really need to impress them.
Please help! :oops:
Heiko
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subtle
Mar 30, 2006, 3:31 AM
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In reply to: I'd like to make me some tape gloves because I want to be the only really cool guy here in this limestone area who does face climbing with taped hands. But my hands are as hairy as King Kong's (palms, too, of course), and I'm an utter sissy... what can I do? I'm sure I will die when I try to remove the tape from my hands.
(sigh)...you're killing me, here, bro. Talk about throwing away your natural gifts...it's like hearing Mozart say he's not interested in music...or Sharma say he wants to concentrate on his footwork...or Jason Kehl deciding to try to tone it down a little, y'know, just kind of blend in with the crowd.
So you've managed...in some manner, ahhhh, probably best not explored...to grow yourself some permanent hand velcro and you want to just cover it up so you can look like Ron Kauk's illegitimate 3rd cousin. You could paddle your way up anything with texture like Brundle Fly on a PixieStix sugar fix...but nooooooo...you want to look cool.
The simplest tape to take off is the tape you never put on, broham, meditate on that.
Allez. Ooooooooooom. Homard.
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skinkididoo
Mar 31, 2006, 3:57 AM
Post #758 of 977
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Dear n00b,
I've carefully read all 50 pages of your advice and am still left with a question. When I started climbing I became aware of the elite race known as Guides. They fearlessly lead clients (n00bs) up 5.2 multipitches (i.e. setting a belay at each bolt of a 50ft sport climb), are never seen falling or hangdogging, appear to be masters at all modes of climbing (bouldering, sport, trad, slogging up big snowy hills - i mean mountaineering, even slacklining), and are masters at the preparation and consumption of perfect ham sandwiches. I don't think you've spoken of this mysterious race of climbers yet.
So my question is, who are they and where do they come from? Are they really as perfect as they appear? What is their secret? Mostly I ask all this because as an aspiring 5.1+ trad climber, I aspire to be a guide and I really want to know how. I've heard of this thing called the AMGA and I think maybe thats the name of their secret club. Is it a conspiracy?
Please enlighten me!
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heiko
Mar 31, 2006, 7:47 AM
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In reply to: The simplest tape to take off is the tape you never put on, broham, meditate on that. Allez. Ooooooooooom. Homard.
Thanks N00b!
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
H.
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mrnomas
Apr 1, 2006, 6:05 AM
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Dear nOOb,
I have two questions:
1) My son was born on St. Patrick's day, what kind of climber will he be?
2) My climbing partner wants to celebrate my son's birth with some sort of climbing trip that he's planning. He won't tell me about it but I was looking at his bookshelf and it was full of books like Touching the Void, and Into Thin Air, and Between a Rock and a Hard Place. I'm getting concerned about his plans. Should I be?
Many thanks for all you've done for the climbing community,
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gt29905
Apr 1, 2006, 7:06 AM
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In reply to: with texture like Brundle Fly on a PixieStix sugar fix... I hope someone else got this reference besides me, jesus it made me laugh. |
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subtle
Apr 4, 2006, 1:33 AM
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In reply to: I have two questions: 1) My son was born on St. Patrick's day, what kind of climber will he be? 2) My climbing partner wants to celebrate my son's birth with some sort of climbing trip that he's planning. He won't tell me about it but I was looking at his bookshelf and it was full of books like Touching the Void, and Into Thin Air, and Between a Rock and a Hard Place. I'm getting concerned about his plans. Should I be?
Well, fortunately for you, we here at Ask The NOOB are in the middle of ummmm, a fund raising...subscription drive...bake sale...with a limited-time two for one special offer. So, yeah, I'll answer 'em both. And you get a coffee mug...and some banana bread.
With any kind of luck your son will be one of those Leprechauns I always see selling cereal on TV and campusing through Lucky Sharms. His ape index will be negative eighteen or something, but he'll totally pimp scrunchy sit-starts and be able to full-body-bar his way into abusurdly good rest stances on long pumpy problems. Just be sure he guards his chalk pot 'o gold, broham, or that Trix rabbit will gank it.
Hopefully, your son is named Lucky, since he's apparently going to need it judging from your friend's choice in motivational climbing literature. Personally, I like to see copies of Re-Checking Your Knot - Expanded Edition, maybe There's No Shame in Bailing or the classic The Un-Cannibalized Climbing Partner - Collected Essays on Bringing the Map and The Compass...but that's just me. I honestly don't think you have to worry about his plans, since I don't think they extend past "Go into wilderness...get really lost...eat most tasty person on expedition...repeat as necessary". If your friend's rack of pro is actually 47 Swiss Army knives and a folding fork and spoon...well...cheer up, he'll probably eat Lucky last.
He's green...he's, ummm...not ripe yet.
Allez. It's actually a banana bread coffee mug...sip quickly. Homard.
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subtle
Apr 10, 2006, 2:44 AM
Post #763 of 977
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In reply to: When I started climbing I became aware of the elite race known as Guides. They fearlessly lead clients (n00bs) up 5.2 multipitches (i.e. setting a belay at each bolt of a 50ft sport climb), are never seen falling or hangdogging, appear to be masters at all modes of climbing (bouldering, sport, trad, slogging up big snowy hills - i mean mountaineering, even slacklining), and are masters at the preparation and consumption of perfect ham sandwiches. I don't think you've spoken of this mysterious race of climbers yet. So my question is, who are they and where do they come from? Are they really as perfect as they appear? What is their secret?
Funny you should ask, I've just recently had my first encounter with a real live guide when I visited Hueco Tanks. It was fairly massively intimidating, to be honest...the thought of a Matt Wilder or Ana Burgos watching me flail miserably on a V1- while trying to offer helpful beta like "Grab the big giant jug...no...the bigger one...with all the chalk on it...with your hand...ok just, ahhh, shake it off on the ground there, for a while...I'll find some band-aids..."
So, what did I learn while...errr, resting...and observing? Tons, brah. Guides are partially nomadic, travelling in small bands in even smaller cars filled chock full 'o giant crashpads and bags and bags of $1.19 tortillas. Guides are the elite, the Navy SEALs of the bouldering world...scrambling out of their communal AMC Gremlin with the broken hatchback at the crack of noon, armed only with a pair of flip-flops, a pita filled with avocado and encyclopedic knowledge of every bump and ripple on any rock larger than fist sized for thirty miles. The good ones can recount in chilling detail John Sherman's epic failed 3982nd attempt on Full Service, even though they were approximately 2 years old when it happened. They are all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-sending. If you can climb something a guide can't, he has to give you a prize...usually a tortilla...it's their code, just like gunslingers and ninjas.
The much more intriguing question is, where do they come from? The depressingly easy factual answer is Colorado and California...one of the people I met in Hueco used to work at the coffee shop in Bishop, for example. Sad to say, apparently there are so many freakishly strong climbers in Boulder and Yosemite that they have to exile the weak V13 gumbs to Texas and New England. It's probably like Children of the Corn, except on your 18th birthday instead of feeding you to some sort of Agri-Satan, you have to perpetually road-trip, live on flatbread and shame the tourist climbers like...errrr...those other people on the guided tour.
Poor buggers.
Allez. If you bring peanut butter, guides will love you forever. Homard.
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ffaallliinngg
Apr 20, 2006, 6:00 AM
Post #764 of 977
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Dear Noob:
Found the following on the interweb:
"Croque Monsieur & Croque Madame
Hot ham and cheese sandwiches with a French twist."
The croque-monsieur, a hot ham and cheese sandwich served in the bistros and cafés of Paris, has provided quick, cheap nourishment for thousands of students and budget minded travelers. Do you remember ordering a croque-monsieur, while seated at an outdoor café? I do!
Holy Cognitive Dissonance! Where does this cuisine fit in the trad-climber/ spandex-wearing chain-smoking girlfriend-stealing sporto frog continuum?
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subtle
Apr 25, 2006, 12:47 AM
Post #765 of 977
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In reply to: The croque-monsieur, a hot ham and cheese sandwich served in the bistros and cafés of Paris, has provided quick, cheap nourishment for thousands of students and budget minded travelers. Do you remember ordering a croque-monsieur, while seated at an outdoor café? I do! Holy Cognitive Dissonance! Where does this cuisine fit in the trad-climber/ spandex-wearing chain-smoking girlfriend-stealing sporto frog continuum?
(blows dust off keyboard)
First off, sorry for the slow reply. I, like every other boulderer worth their Dopegun hoodie, have been frantically scouring sketchy Eastern Bloc file sharing sites looking for a pre-release bootleg copy of 10,000 Days. Whoa...tractor pr0n...who knew? Errr, anyway...
Well, well...the 'ol Ham Question again, eh? Never answered this one before. I'd better stretch out a little, y'know, don't want to blow out a tendon or anything.
After several seconds of contemplation while listening to...ah, some CD...it occurs to me that there is no trad-climber blibbety-blabbety whatever-you-said sporto frog continuum. I mean, there probably should be, right? Try as I might, though, I can't think of a single hard core dirt-bagging van-living beard-having trad hardman from La France. Do EuroVans lack the necessary voltage to power a portable cappucino machine? Is shaggy facewear a potential fire hazard when chain smoking four packs of unfiltered Gaulioses a day? Do spandex-on-cam snags spoil too many near-epic sends and make distraught sponsors stomp on their berets and scream Merde!?! Perhaps it's simply that after spending all the time and effort necessary to drill out...errrr...clean...a new route, it's just too much effort of chisel...errrr, sorry, aggressively clean...cam and nut placements. Zee grid bolts practically place themselves, no, eh?
So, then, why the ham? I suspect it might be some bizarre cross-cultural add-on game with some of the tape missing that started with Jerry Lewis, crossed into David Hasslehof and ended with a big inexplicable dyno to...the Ham Sandie. Eeet ees cool, no?
Eet ees.
Allez. That's my kind of story. It's never fun 'till... Homard.
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sblacksmith
May 3, 2006, 7:14 PM
Post #766 of 977
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Hey nOOb,
What up yo?! Before i get to my "serious question" where you been man? Don't tell me that you've traded in the ultimate comfort of the ass molded couch and climbing vids to go out side and touch rocks or something? Pssssh that can't be it, so what gives you in jail? Well what ever the excuse....errrr reason i should say, I'm sure its one that's acceptable.
OK so on to the "serious question" I wanted to know what kind of music is the best to boulder to. I usually lay around for 15 or 20 min before each problem and listen to part of a String Cheese song or a Phish jam of some sort and then spend a few minutes trying and pull my self off the ground, and then go take a nap. But lately I'm not feelin that any more. Now I've been breaking out my old punk and rockabilly Cd's and instead of climbing the rocks i try and start fights with them, and thats certainly not helping me break through the V0+ grade. So whats a poor boulderer to do? Should i try some classical, maybe Sean Paul or some house techno raver trancey blend?
thanks for the help
s.
ps. if i do the techno house raver thing do i have to bring glow sticks to the crag with me?
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gilliamaddict
May 4, 2006, 1:04 AM
Post #767 of 977
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dear noob,
thanks to your answering questions i have learned what it is to be a real rock climber: a real rock climber is somone who, contrary to popular belief, doesnot actually rock climb, it is somone who spends enough time, on RockClimbing.com's forum making fun of(instead of informing) people turning to the website for information on rockclimbing(noobs), a position that they were never themselves in because they were rockclimbing in the womb.
it is too bad that we cannot just inform indaviduals interested in climbing about the sport and the importance of it to some of us, and understand that we live in a diverse world where others may not share the same values concerning climbing, and furthermore that some may have not grown up in inviroments where the natural world was not as sacred, i hardly see hw telling them off and answering their questions sarcasticly will help them to appreciate the natural world and the culture of climbing.
I am disapointed that a climbers worth is reduced to how many posts he has on this forum.
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booger
May 4, 2006, 11:12 AM
Post #768 of 977
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^^^
:lol: :lol:
Evidemment... un homard!
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sblacksmith
May 5, 2006, 3:45 AM
Post #769 of 977
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In reply to: dear noob, thanks to your answering questions i have learned what it is to be a real rock climber: a real rock climber is somone who, contrary to popular belief, doesnot actually rock climb, it is somone who spends enough time, on RockClimbing.com's forum making fun of(instead of informing) people turning to the website for information on rockclimbing(noobs), a position that they were never themselves in because they were rockclimbing in the womb. it is too bad that we cannot just inform indaviduals interested in climbing about the sport and the importance of it to some of us, and understand that we live in a diverse world where others may not share the same values concerning climbing, and furthermore that some may have not grown up in inviroments where the natural world was not as sacred, i hardly see hw telling them off and answering their questions sarcasticly will help them to appreciate the natural world and the culture of climbing. I am disapointed that a climbers worth is reduced to how many posts he has on this forum.
:D
Hey bud, chill out, not one of the 51 pages of this wicked rad thread is serious. Not everything in life is serious for that matter. Why not laugh at how ridiculous it is like everyone else. and if thats not your cup of tea then......dont read it.
And as far as informing people that are interested in climbing. come on man where else are you gonna learn that the residual drag from your t-shirt can impair your bouldering grade?
s.
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justthemaid
May 6, 2006, 3:21 PM
Post #770 of 977
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Wow!
Gilliam is either a brilliant troll, or just managed to become the least-liked person on this entire website on his second post.
In either case- *(clap)* *(clap)* *(clap)*.
Noob- we still love you.
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subtle
May 7, 2006, 6:27 PM
Post #771 of 977
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In reply to: Before i get to my "serious question" where you been man? Don't tell me that you've traded in the ultimate comfort of the ass molded couch and climbing vids to go out side and touch rocks or something? OK so on to the "serious question" I wanted to know what kind of music is the best to boulder to. I usually lay around for 15 or 20 min before each problem and listen to part of a String Cheese song or a Phish jam of some sort and then spend a few minutes trying and pull my self off the ground, and then go take a nap. But lately I'm not feelin that any more. Now I've been breaking out my old punk and rockabilly Cd's and instead of climbing the rocks i try and start fights with them, and thats certainly not helping me break through the V0+ grade. So whats a poor boulderer to do? Should i try some classical, maybe Sean Paul or some house techno raver trancey blend?
Climbing outside? Are you kidding? First off, I live in Houston, so pretty much the only thing you can climb around here are...stairs. Then, once you do find a nice set of stairs to project, you have to wait for a day when it's less than 100 degrees and 104% humidity. We usually get one of those every other January. Given that, I've been spending a lot of time sitting on my pad at the base of Please Use the Handrail VB+ listening to my iPod and waiting for the pavement to stop bubbling. Still waiting...
So, what's am I listening to these days? Well, last year's dopeness was Rasputina...so if you're deep in the backwoods of uncool, that'll probably put you a couple of years ahead of the crowd. This year is all about the new Tool CD, 10,000 Days...which I think is still downloadable from a sketchy 2400 Baud server somewhere in Lagos. While you're waiting the 23,874 hours for that to finish, though, I'd suggest you poke through your existing library to support any weaknesses in your climbing. Developing technique and power takes mucho time and effort...which will totally interfere with your on-pad chillin' and slackline cross-training...while downloading musical supplementation just takes a fast internet connection and your mom's credit card.
Too wimpy to stick that big dyno? A little Pantera should do the trick...just watch out for the inevitable side effects of punching your spotters, the rock, or...yourself. Once you've stuck the dyno but are now so amped up you tear off the finish jug then go moshing off into the woods biting trees, bring yourself down for a little pad-nap with some Guster. If you're a little too sluggish in the post-nap hacky sack circle, amp up your positivity with the Dead's American Beauty.
Under no circumstances should you ever listen to Sean Paul. They accidentally let the CD changer rotate over to that at the gym, once, and before you knew it 50 guys in skin-tite ChunderArmor shirts drinking Red Bull materialized around my V0+ project and started asking where the VIP room was, and if they could 'borrow' a couple of lines of my chalk. For some reason they always chalked up in the bathroom, but never seemed to get any to stick to their hands...they all had colds, too...lot of sneezing. Odd.
Allez. Anybody know the phone number for Lagos? Homard.
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gilliamaddict
May 9, 2006, 3:58 AM
Post #772 of 977
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"Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth."
Mohandas Gandhi
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subtle
May 10, 2006, 12:17 AM
Post #773 of 977
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In reply to: dear noob, thanks to your answering questions i have learned what it is to be a real rock climber: a real rock climber is somone who, contrary to popular belief, doesnot actually rock climb, it is somone who spends enough time, on RockClimbing.com's forum making fun of(instead of informing) people turning to the website for information on rockclimbing(noobs), a position that they were never themselves in because they were rockclimbing in the womb. it is too bad that we cannot just inform indaviduals interested in climbing about the sport and the importance of it to some of us, and understand that we live in a diverse world where others may not share the same values concerning climbing, and furthermore that some may have not grown up in inviroments where the natural world was not as sacred, i hardly see hw telling them off and answering their questions sarcasticly will help them to appreciate the natural world and the culture of climbing. I am disapointed that a climbers worth is reduced to how many posts he has on this forum.
So, then, I guess a real rock climber is someone who feels the need to get all bowed-up and self-righteous and tap out a pidgin English response to a blatantly satirical series of posts? Because...not to be all judgmental and all, bro, because I know you'd never go there...that's what you just did. Although I appreciate a hastily google-searched coffeehouse-cred enhancing Gandhi quote as much as the next person, what you need to understand is that there is no way you are going to make an intellectual point in here...if you even had one to make in the first place. I'm mildly surprised you didn't go for the much more nihilistically zen and yet faux climbing-applicable "Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it", to really shore up your moral high ground as an aesthetically pure Soul Climber. I mean, it sounds like something Ron Kauk would say...no? Oh well, better luck next time.
Ask The NOOB is a place for intentionally stupid questions that I try to trump with stupider answers. Feel free to ask all you like. If you...or anyone else...wants serious answers, you'll have to make due with the other 314,129,921 threads on the site. Only 124,291,091 are about finding the right climbing shoes, though...
As a side note for all future Trolls and Trollettes, I don't plan on responding to anything other than questions from now on. I already feel like the birthday party clown that got into the rubbing alcohol and started kicking the children and hurling abuse at the pony. Damn you, Sprinkles, you eyeballin' me?!?
Allez. Go back under the bridge with the billy goats. Homard.
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honus
May 10, 2006, 1:01 AM
Post #774 of 977
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last week i saw a thread about "aid" climbing. i was just curious, who exactly are these people aiding? are they sponsored by ngo's or something? my first thought was that aid climbing is based online, like helping other climbers who have been in accidents, a la sponsoring that woman you work with in the march of dimes...then i heard that someone aid climbed el cap, does that mean that yosemite is wireless now too? how can i get into "aid" climing? i'm just looking for something to feel good about since the peace corps rejected me, again.
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jumpingrock
May 10, 2006, 3:33 PM
Post #776 of 977
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Dear Omniscient Noob,
I have an urgent question that requires answering!
I have been a trad climber for the past several years. I have been following all your advice and have solidly progressed to a 5.1+ trad climber. My problem is that I climb very slowly. Currently my 100m test pieces take 10 hours to climb! The guide book of this new area that I am climbing in has a 695m 5.2- climb! It looks uber wicked. My question is how can I climb it so as not to starve on the wall or have to climb at night (bad night vision)?
Sincerely,
Slowly Climbing in Canmore
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littlebilly
May 18, 2006, 12:58 AM
Post #777 of 977
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Dear n00b,
This year during training i worked some improbable 5.3 moves until my arms fell off, then i rested for a day and when i tried again i got it. Due to bad weather it was 3 or 4 days before i could get out and climb, and unbelievably i could waltz a 5.5. If i could do 5.2 on day 1, and 5.3 on day 3, and then on 5.5 on day 6, it would stand to reason that by day 12 i would be at 5.10 and by day 24 5.14 would be a walk in the park. It would seem that the secret to climbing hard is actually climbing less. It sounds like you have unknowingly experimented with this regime, have you had any success, or am i special?
(your experientially based advice is keenly awaited by someone who just spent a month on dial-up running a 51 page marathon.)
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subtle
May 18, 2006, 1:53 AM
Post #778 of 977
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In reply to: How do I put the shine back into my not-so-shiny trad rack?? Are my cams going to corrode and become useless???, because I am afraid of oxidization and it's affects on swadged cable joints.
I should note that this is probably the first Trad question anyone's asked in about three months that didn't...somehow or another...involve ham sandwiches. This completely invalidates my giant quasi-legal cross-referenced NSA Database of ham questions...sorted by date, time, and relative terrorist-osity, natch.
Gear sparkle is a fascinating thing, in that it is completely context dependant and cannot be observed without being changed in the observation...a la Schrodinger's Cam. A fresh-out-the-box rack will illicit only scorn, hatred and catcalls of "Where'd you valet your Escalade, you crypto-facist military industrial complex whore!"...so, y'know, try to remember to take all the price tags off, at least. Paradoxically, a single new piece of gear nestled in amongst your manked-out bushel basket of widgies, tweezoids and bunge-hammers will draw the same kind of cooing and fawning usually reserved for newborn children..."Ooohh, isn't that a precious Camalot! You must be so proud!". Trad climber social heirarchy is not, contrary to popular belief, established purely on the basis of rack size. Additional respect and status within the tribe are earned by climbing...or claiming to climb...on the oldest, least maintained, and most likely to malfunction equipment possible. The nightmare of any aspiring Camp 4 Alpha-male hardman is to have his pro-deal doubled cams from .5 to 4 completely emasculated by a wild-eyed freakjob claiming to have done the same routes with a pinecone wrapped in tape and a forged Friend that...upon further scrutiny...is actually a can opener he found in the parking lot.
So, then, letting your rack moulder away into an rust-pitted handful of tat and death is clearly the way to go, right? Well, there are exceptions to every rule, brah...and the major out-clause for any unexpected bling glinting off your rack is...
Terminal Fall Damage...the Holy Grail of Trad cool. Nothing will melt away those disapproving glares faster than casually mentioning that you had to get a new rack because you exploded all your old gear in a 290 foot upside-down nuclear whipper on The Soiler 5.13d R X. The shrapnel killed your lifelong partner, the shock waves sent the crag dog back in time, and the giant fireball set your bag of Ham Sandwiches ablaze.
They'll totally buy you a beer for that one, you salty dog. Just...don't let them see your Escalade.
Allez. Valet parking is near the Starbucks. Homard.
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cosmiccragsman
May 18, 2006, 2:25 AM
Post #779 of 977
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Registered: Apr 7, 2005
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Dear NOOB;
Don't let idiots like gilliamaddict get you down. You are supported
by 99.999999% of the members here,and yours is one of the longest running forums on this site. I am right now, eating a ham sammich
in your honor. If you were here, I would share it with you :)
I won't give the honor of calling gilliam a noob , as that title is way above gilliam. So all I have to say to addict, is,
STFU IDIOT!!! :evil:
Keep up the good Work Subtle :D
Cosmiccragsman
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subtle
May 22, 2006, 4:16 AM
Post #780 of 977
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In reply to: This year during training i worked some improbable 5.3 moves until my arms fell off, then i rested for a day and when i tried again i got it. Due to bad weather it was 3 or 4 days before i could get out and climb, and unbelievably i could waltz a 5.5. If i could do 5.2 on day 1, and 5.3 on day 3, and then on 5.5 on day 6, it would stand to reason that by day 12 i would be at 5.10 and by day 24 5.14 would be a walk in the park. It would seem that the secret to climbing hard is actually climbing less. It sounds like you have unknowingly experimented with this regime, have you had any success, or am i special?
So, since your arms apparently fell off in the first sentence, I can only assume you're typing this with your...ummm, feet...which makes me feel sorry for you...and feel much, much sorrier for whoever happens to use the computer after you.
I'd love to take all the credit for the laziness movement in climbing...but if I have seen further than most, it's is only because I napped on the crashpads of giants. Look at Trad climbers, for example...you can never get those guys to shut up about climbing 872 pitches a day...in the rain...after hiking 14 miles to the crag...uphill...hauling a 90lb rack...while fighting off ham sandwich crazed pumas with a stick. No wonder they don't send harder than 5.3+...they're exhausted. Any boulderer worth their Blerr hoodie would have thrown in the towel 30 yards away from the parking lot at the first puma tracks.
It's even truer inside. Even though the puma menace is somewhat decreased, the dangers of overtraining are no less present. The Texas climbing posse practices safe sending by alternating V-sick proj burns with two-hour burrito breaks, runs to REI for Prana re-loads, and pre-crux Snickers Bars. The New England climbers are even worse, generally proclaiming that they were sick, injured and hungover before a few leisurely warm up laps on my UberProj du jour. I once watched a formerly elite climber with a dislocated arm and a hand hand wrapped in Ace bandages send the hardest problems in the gym after six weeks off.
So, long story short, keep on...ummm, not climbing...and I'm sure you'll reach all your goals in no time.
Allez. Get some socks, too. Homard.
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sblacksmith
May 22, 2006, 1:05 PM
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Hey nOOb,
What up yo?! So check this out i was just thinking how, with the longest running thread on the interweb, and clearly 99.9999999999% of the people in the world being your best friend and the fact that your fineite knowledge of climbering is Uber-superior, puts you in the perfect place to start an army.
And not just any army a Gumbi-Galactic nOOb Federation. Rolling from crag to crag in a way pimped out 1994 Honda something loud. Supplying boulderers with redbull and DopeGun hoodies and fighting against the evil Trad Republic. With Admiral Subtle at the helm how could we ever go wrong?!?
s.
ohh yeah can i be the cook, i got wicked recipe for spaghetti o's.
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sungam
May 22, 2006, 2:17 PM
Post #782 of 977
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Registered: Jun 24, 2004
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Dr n00b...
The other day i went to the climbing gym! it was really cool, because is was differant than what i thought it was! it wasn't actually rock! it was plastic that acted just like rock! it was way cool because the could change the routes.
But i saw some people climbing up... without a rope above them!
someone said they were "leeding", but i don't understand, how can the rope catch you, if it's below you?
please explain! im scared for those people! and someone said i should try in a few weeks... but tje easiest climb is 5.3! so i will fall! but what if i fall from high up? will i die?
i don't wanna die...
-Magnus
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zionvier
May 22, 2006, 6:03 PM
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N00b, I live in a drainage ditch and can't afford a drill to bolt route correctly, actually I can't even afford a cardboard box, but I do have a rock and a broken drill bit I found at the local construction site. I was wondering if it would be safe to use these to bolt a new route. It's mainly a trad area, but those trad guys don't even share their ham sandwhiches with me, let alone share their crag with sport climbers. I'm terrified of heights, so I thought I would put a bolt every 2 feet at some of the local trad areas.
Will the rock and drill bit I found (it's a 1/8" drill bit) but I figure I can just get some smaller anchors (maybe wall hooks?) from Ace Hardware that will fit better in the holes. Do you have any suggestions so that I can make sure I do it safely?
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subtle
May 25, 2006, 1:57 AM
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In reply to: What up yo?! So check this out i was just thinking how, with the longest running thread on the interweb, and clearly 99.9999999999% of the people in the world being your best friend and the fact that your fineite knowledge of climbering is Uber-superior, puts you in the perfect place to start an army. And not just any army a Gumbi-Galactic nOOb Federation. Rolling from crag to crag in a way pimped out 1994 Honda something loud. Supplying boulderers with redbull and DopeGun hoodies and fighting against the evil Trad Republic. With Admiral Subtle at the helm how could we ever go wrong?!?
This isn't really a question, so I can't really answer it...not that I ever really answer anything anyhow...but I shall try to respond to it, as we used to say in creative writing class. All I need now is some incense and a black prAna beret...
Ok, the last really cool army was the KISS Army, so unless you visualize us climbing in silver and black face paint and giant leather platform boots...which I am now very unfortunately visualizing...that probably isn't going to work. I do have to admit that spitting some blood or fire is a lot cooler than throwing your chalkbag at the crag dog after getting tossed from the proj. The KISS...errr...NOOB Army would probably never roll deep to the crag...there's never a soda machine out there when you need one...but we'd totally get our mom to take us to the gym in the mini-van...aka The Tour Bus. The fact that this is more or less how Jason Kehl actually lives merely validates the underlying dopeness of the premise. At the gym, we'd warm up by stealing the waiver and check-in computer and seeing if anyone famous has updated their tick list on 8a.nu. The guy with the Gene Simmons facepaint would probably start slacklining, while Ace and Peter would look for the soda machine and I'd take a nap on the crashpad under the birthday party kids trying to monkey up the V13 death route in the corner.
It's very tiring being the King...errr, general...ummm, lead singer?
Allez. Hey, why is there a footprint on my face-makeup? Homard.
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subtle
Jun 5, 2006, 3:13 AM
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In reply to: N00b, I live in a drainage ditch and can't afford a drill to bolt route correctly, actually I can't even afford a cardboard box, but I do have a rock and a broken drill bit I found at the local construction site. I was wondering if it would be safe to use these to bolt a new route. It's mainly a trad area, but those trad guys don't even share their ham sandwhiches with me, let alone share their crag with sport climbers. I'm terrified of heights, so I thought I would put a bolt every 2 feet at some of the local trad areas. Will the rock and drill bit I found (it's a 1/8" drill bit) but I figure I can just get some smaller anchors (maybe wall hooks?) from Ace Hardware that will fit better in the holes. Do you have any suggestions so that I can make sure I do it safely?
This is a very interesting question...one that I think really gets at the underlying divide between Sport Weenies and the rest of the climbing community. Nah, not spandex and mousse...I've beaten that horse long enough...I'm talking about Mortal Peril. That's right, I capitalized it...now we're all just going to have to deal with it...
The ultimate trump card in any Mine-Is-Bigger-Than-Yours climbing argument is not pure difficulty...it's pure deadfilculty. Boulderers get zero respect for pulling nonsensically hard V16 moves three feet off a flotilla of crashpads...I mean, what's going to happen if it goes wrong, brah? A nap? Sure, the average sporto gets way higher off the deck, but armed with titanium quickdraws, a spectra harness and a $599 length of 7.2mm uber-floss rated for 200 3-factor falls, you're probably in more danger when drinking your half-caf latte in the Range Rover, Chip. Is it any wonder your girlfriend 'went trad'? I think not.
Every cause needs it's standard bearer, and you Zionvier are taking bold steps to push the death-defying ethic in sport climbing to places it's not been since I simultaneously back and z-clipped the same bolt...on my lead test, umm, at the gym...which...I'd rather not talk about at the moment. The next time some hairy-knuckled cam-squeezer is giving you guff about your overly snug unitard, invite him to take a quick lap on your latest testpiece Some Assembly Required (unrated). Be sure to give him the good beta, which goes a little something like this:
"The route starts by the perfect splitter crack that could easily be protected with cams from .5 to #3...ignore it completely and grab the crap sloper and do a giant one arm lock off to the knife blade crimp. Get a chalk and shake there, then clip the first bolt...which is a novelty keychain attached to a chunk of mud-like choss. You can't miss it, it's right near the logical #6 stopper placement. Then you go into a nice series of quarter pad gastons with a funky greasy foot smear to the second bolt, which is one of those back scratcher things held on with post-it notes. They kept peeling off, so I started using the extra sticky ones...I drew an arrow on them to the next bolt, too, which is kinda far away. It's a piece off a coat rack...totally bomber. Then it's just a straightforward run to the chains...errr, coathangers...anyway, it's pretty rad, you'll totally love it."
Allez. Chalk, shake, mousse, repeat. Homard.
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ratmnerd
Jun 6, 2006, 5:41 AM
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dear n00b,
i have a problem. i really want to know what branch of climbing i should specialise in. i have all the fancy sport gear, including fluoro orange draws and lots of mousse, but i'm allergic to french people and spandex. similarly, i have a whole buch of manky trad gear with some new stuff thrown in (i remembered to say i blew the rest in a 290ft whipper, so that's ok). however, ham gives me a rash, and i like climbing stuff that doesn't eat all my pro in the first 2 meters, leaving me a 58 meter runout to the first belay. i thought of soloing, but i don't have any mental conditions, so that's right out. bouldering's also out cos i can't say BZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT properly, shower, and i don't live with my mother, even though i do love beanies. that leaves ice climbing or aid. which one should i go for?
thanks o n00b god,
T.
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secretninja
Jun 9, 2006, 4:44 AM
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I have actually taken to putting my keys on my my only locking screwgate in order to look hardcore and "bomber". However, since i am short of biners i have have been forced to belay off carabiners stolen off the top of trek brand beverages. Im pretty sure this is safe as there is a picture of a climber on the bottle. Comments?
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davidorchard
Jun 14, 2006, 9:22 PM
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Dear Great Noobian King and curator of all thing noobish,
I fear this may be out of your realm of expertise, but i thought i would give it a shot. Have you heard of Zoltan yet? He is a very inspired individual and below is a link (be sure to check out the video).
http://travel.news.yahoo.com/..._daily/rba_daily4970
I guess my question is, should I drop climbing for a while and pursue a career in professional tubing or would I just be following the next big craze?
Thanks for your time and wisdom.
dave
Oh, and do you think RockClimbing.com has started the deal to acquire SuperTuber.com yet? I am sure it would add just as much as dropzone.
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djnibs
Jun 15, 2006, 1:57 AM
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Dear nOOb:
I have been climbing uber long time (i think its been atleast 20 mins). My question is, to you, the nOOb, how hard is the green route? Like, i have been trying to red point the damn thing for like ever. Everytime i get to the nice place where you put in one of those funky things, i think they are called krams, or crabs?? oh wait, Camels. Ya, i fall right where you put in a camel.
So my question to you is, should i buy using some sort of other gear? Cuz this green route is uber cool and ladies love me for it, i think the sign on the bottom says 5.3. thats pretty hard right?? anyways, i have to go and buy some more camels, my #6.432 is brken!!!!
lata, and thanks bunchelses!!!!
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lacquement
Jun 15, 2006, 2:47 AM
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noob,
I'm thinking about trynig a multi-pitch sport route. I'm wonderring what the proper eating and fashion would be for such a thing. I mean.. it's sport... but it's got, like, a billion pitches... so it's kind of like trad.. so, should i wear my spandex AND take some ham sandwiches with me? although i'd prefer some baguette...
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subtle
Jun 19, 2006, 2:10 AM
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In reply to: I'm thinking about trynig a multi-pitch sport route. I'm wonderring what the proper eating and fashion would be for such a thing. I mean.. it's sport... but it's got, like, a billion pitches... so it's kind of like trad.. so, should i wear my spandex AND take some ham sandwiches with me? although i'd prefer some baguette...
In a glaring editorial oversight, Mountaineering - Freedom of the Hills neglects to offer any advice on preparation for today's run-of-the-mill billion pitch sport routes. I understand that they are addressing this in the next edition...but until then, I'll do what I can.
You have already identified the central conundrum...you are coming perilously close to straddling the unstraddle-able chasm between trad and sport. In truth, nobody really knows what would happen if you did...I suspect it'd be sort of like crossing the energy streams in Ghostbusters...while pouring water on a Gremlin...and saying Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice...but worse. If you'll excuse me, I'll now take a moment to deal with the giant, hairy, Michael Keaton-esque marshmallow man monster that is destroying...ummm, beautiful...downtown Houston...be right back...
I definately think you're going to want the spandex for this one, bro, for a couple of reasons. A few billion smears, high-steps, cross throughs, back steps and drop-knees are going to put a lot of friction wear and tear on your...errr...junk...I guess is the technical term. There's lots of bad ways to die, and in my book spontaneous groin combustion is pretty near the top of the list, you dig? Plus, the overtones of Parisian Frenchitude implied by your vacuum-tensioned man-tights will help dispel any lingering Trad infuences...probably keeping the world from ending. Which is nice.
In a similar vein, I would also encourage baguette usage for your sandwich...as well as some extra fromage. Good tasting, and good for humanity. Just don't, y'know, offer any to a Gremlin after midnight...
I've already got enough problems.
Allez. Has anyone seen the Key Master? Ummm, it's important. Homard.
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shanz
Jun 20, 2006, 5:59 PM
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redundancy check (aka double post)
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shanz
Jun 20, 2006, 6:07 PM
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Master NooB,
Ignore gillam (whatever his name is, its hard to remember the non enlightened) he's probably alergic to ham (could be why he has so much anger) Hes prob one of those aid guys
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shanz
Jun 20, 2006, 6:08 PM
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redundacy check part 2
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far_quit
Jun 22, 2006, 8:49 AM
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Subtle
I have been lurking these threads for quite some time but there is one issue that I am still a little unclear on. For everyone in the US, this must be so simple as to require no explanation, however, I live in far away land. Luckily we have never had to deal with the dreaded scourge of Cliff Bars Wrappers.
In my ignorance, I first assumed that Cliff Bars must be some kind of food that climbers ate and left the wrappers at the crag (don't laugh). But upon reading further it seems that every person who has ever posted here swears that they live by the 'Leave No Trace' ethic. If this is true then obviously they are not leaving theses wrappers.
This got me thinking. If climbers aren't littering but they leave Cliff Bar wrappers where ever they go, it must be some kind of involuntary action. It was then that I realised the truth that Cliff Bars are a contagious parasite. A parasite that causes all the problems in climbing that we know of. How many times have I read that soon after bolting protectable cracks, the area has cliff bar wrappers all over the place? Access becomes an issue because landowners find cliff bar wrappers all over their boulder fields. I have heard stories about dogs at the crag digging through peoples gear and after the dog was chased away, what was found in amongst the gear? Cliff Bar wrappers. I'm pretty sure it was cliff bars that gives cats the irresistible urge to urinate on people's ropes but don't quote me on that one.
So I am wondering about the dangers of me visiting the US. Can my doctor give me any shots to ward off Cliff Bar infection? How is it contracted (it is obviously not an STD). If I contract it, what will happen to the fragile ecosystem of Australia when I return home?
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dirtineye
Jun 22, 2006, 12:58 PM
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In reply to: dear noob, thanks to your answering questions i have learned what it is to be a real rock climber: a real rock climber is somone who, contrary to popular belief, doesnot actually rock climb, it is somone who spends enough time, on RockClimbing.com's forum making fun of(instead of informing) people turning to the website for information on rockclimbing(noobs), a position that they were never themselves in because they were rockclimbing in the womb. it is too bad that we cannot just inform indaviduals interested in climbing about the sport and the importance of it to some of us, and understand that we live in a diverse world where others may not share the same values concerning climbing, and furthermore that some may have not grown up in inviroments where the natural world was not as sacred, i hardly see hw telling them off and answering their questions sarcasticly will help them to appreciate the natural world and the culture of climbing. I am disapointed that a climbers worth is reduced to how many posts he has on this forum.
I've known real climbers, some of my best friends are real climbers, I've climbed with real climbers, partied with real climbers, camped with real climbers, stolen gear from real climbers, had my pack rocked by real climbers, droped dirt n rocks on real climbers, ridden in cars with real climbers, eaten with real climbers, had actual conversations with real climbers, and you sir, are no real climber.
Now get back under your bridge where you belong.
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dirtineye
Jun 22, 2006, 1:07 PM
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In reply to: "Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth." Mohandas Gandhi
Yes but the question that goes a-begging is,"Would YOU know the truth if it bit you on the A$$?"
I think not.
Stay out of the sun, I fear you might turn to stone.
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the_iceman
Jun 25, 2006, 5:00 AM
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Dear noob, I notice that you have a philosophy that "One good fuck up is all it takes to end you". Don't you think this is fitting, since one good fuck is all it takes to begin you?
So my question is this. I keep hearing talk of these "pitons" and "crampons"... What are these? Are they feminine hygene products? I know there are lots of female climbers out there, but don't you think they should leave all that kind of talk in the ladies only section?
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redlegrangerone
Jun 25, 2006, 11:58 AM
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It is good to see Iceman maintaining the consistent poor quality of his posts.
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subtle
Jun 26, 2006, 3:51 AM
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In reply to: Dear noob, I notice that you have a philosophy that "One good f--- up is all it takes to end you". Don't you think this is fitting, since one good f--- is all it takes to begin you? So my question is this. I keep hearing talk of these "pitons" and "crampons"... What are these? Are they feminine hygene products? I know there are lots of female climbers out there, but don't you think they should leave all that kind of talk in the ladies only section?
Ummm...I'm pretty sure that's not my philosophy.
We here at Ask The NOOB have a strict code of conduct that prohibits any sort of philosophical ramblings, musings or trancendental explorations of any sort. Our corporate consultant for Firmwide Risk Managment...Jason Kehl, obviously...pointed out that the growth rate of pro climber navel-gazing was escalating dangerously year-over-year. This disturbing trend likely started with Chris Sharma...who actually seems to mean it, incidentally...but has now been picked up by a virtual who's who of the hard sending elite and is filtering down the food chain as we speak. I just know I'm going to the gym some day soon and hear some V2- troglodyte waxing rhapsodic about the sense of peace and inner fulfillment the green taped route by the soda machine gave him...at least, the first three moves, brah...that fourth move is haaaard.
Then again, maybe I'm just jealous. I can't do the...ummm...second move.
Allez. Keep your musings off my body, man...wow, that totally didn't come out right. Homard.
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the_iceman
Jun 26, 2006, 10:18 AM
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Ahh yes, my mistake. That is dirtineye's quote.
So will the green routes really make my life meaningful? Does the location of the route in proximity to the soda machine have any bearing on the meaningfulness it will provide? Also which soda/sport drink will make me the best climber I can be?
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shanz
Jun 26, 2006, 12:58 PM
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In reply to: Ahh yes, my mistake. That is dirtineye's quote. So will the green routes really make my life meaningful? Does the location of the route in proximity to the soda machine have any bearing on the meaningfulness it will provide? Also which soda/sport drink will make me the best climber I can be?
So that explains it i only been climbing the blue, red, and purple routes ---- What have i been doing all my life, im so ashamed
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boulder_junky
Jun 28, 2006, 5:06 AM
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Dear nOOb,
It seems i have a terrible predicament. I would really like to be a great sport climber, and per your advice, i began searching for the shiniest gear i could find. However, I know that it is majorly important to have matching gear and I am colorblind. Is there any hope for me? Is it OK if it looks matching to me? Should I crawl under a crashpad, put on a beanie and stick with bouldering? I am in desperate need of advice.
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subtle
Jul 2, 2006, 2:06 AM
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In reply to: It seems i have a terrible predicament. I would really like to be a great sport climber, and per your advice, i began searching for the shiniest gear i could find. However, I know that it is majorly important to have matching gear and I am colorblind. Is there any hope for me? Is it OK if it looks matching to me? Should I crawl under a crashpad, put on a beanie and stick with bouldering? I am in desperate need of advice.
Terrible predicament...are you kidding me...it's far worse than that, brah. You can buy all the uber-flash cutting-edge widgetry you mom's credit card can handle, but none of it is going to cure the central problem.
There's no way you're going to be able to follow the right color tape on the problems at the gym. None whatsoever. You're doomed to be that guy...you know...simultaneously doing part of a V12 and part of a V2 and pissing off the entire gym by going "Honestly...it doesn't feel that hard...I must just be really strong today". Ooooh, they're going to pound on you, drood...especially the tatted-out guy who's been obsessively toothbrushing that glassed-out micro-sloper you just used as a smeary foot jib...I think he wants to talk to you about something. Far as I can tell, there's only one thing that can save you.
You need a seeing eye dog.
This is pretty much the perfect solution, no matter how you look at it. For a highly trained animal that's been conditioned since birth to safguard a human life, barking once if the tape is blue and twice if it's red shouldn't be too difficult. Woof...woof...woof...send! Cake. Next! But wait, it gets even better. Seeing eye dogs usually come with one of those harness-type deals, complete with a super-reinforced dorsal tie-in hoop. That's right...not only can you rack Fido along with your color-coded C4s, if you teach him how a gri-gri works he could belay you on the proj. Man's best friend, indeed.
As if you weren't already delirious with anticipation, I have saved the best for last. Remember the uber-cute girl in the excessively revealing PRaNA top who looks vaguely like Thomasina Pidgeon if you squint...a lot. Well, she thinks you are a sketched-out creep job with hygene issues...but she loooooves your dog. That's right, broham...Fido is going to get you a chance to talk to her. Chances are he is also going to get you a chance to get kneed in the jibblies by her...but that's not his fault.
He barked twice. You just weren't paying attention.
Allez. Three barks is for mace... Homard.
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shanz
Jul 2, 2006, 6:04 PM
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Well i was packing for my next little trip and was packing my gear food and stuff -- well i got my qd's and my trad gear, my harness shoes rope and enough slings to keep my better half tied up for a week. So i go to
.the fridge to get my food in the cooler, well im OUTTA HAM, Now im depressed as i spent the money on one of those starbucks coffee things (a friend told me he climbs harder after a good cup of joe and some herbal enlightenment(freaking hippie -- or um yuppie - im still not sure which, is it possible to be both) anyway back to the ham thing i was thinking i have some bologna in the fridge and it has pork in it, and since ham is pork maybe i could substitute it... Will this affect my climbing? should i cancel my trip? or should i just sit here with Starbucks coffee and cry.. Which perosnally i dont see whats so great about starbucks 5 bucks for coffee that tastes burnt only thing is they cover it up with flavorings...
Any help please im desperate
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ratmnerd
Jul 3, 2006, 3:00 AM
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dear noob-ish one,
i tried a really hard 5.3 trad lead ("chossy pile of scree", the guidebook called it) the other day and i couldn't find any gear placements. the guidebook said there were heaps of bomber placements, but since i couldn't find any i think it was lying. so anyway, i eventually found a textbook #0 stopper placement just above halfway, but the rest of the climb i kept thinking what if i fall and it fails? when i got to the top i couldn't even eat my ham sandwich as i looked down 20 feet to my belayer. do you think i'm cut out to be a trad climber? or should i just give up?
i wait in anticipation of your next pearl of wisdom.
ps how do you know all this stuff?
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sbaclimber
Jul 3, 2006, 3:05 AM
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In reply to: "chossy pile of scree", the guidebook called it ....the guidebook said there were heaps of bomber placements
(you've really got to watch out when he uses the words 'subtle pro'...)
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climbingtrash
Jul 3, 2006, 3:24 AM
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NOOB, two questions. How many articles of fleece must you be wearing to enter an REI and what kind of approach socks do you wear?
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karina
Jul 6, 2006, 4:40 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: I've been exploring my dating options....And then there's the trad bunch...who also have a certain "je ne sais quoi" about them. So...should you date a Trad climber? I've never actually met one, but from what I read online they are clearly virile men of adventure, wild and free like lions...or eagles...or some sort of magical eagle-lion...an eagle-lion with a righteous rack. Check it out, he's totally got triples from .5 to 3", with an outrageous set of aliens and enough bongs, chocks, hexes, squidgies, and nuts to nearly fill a blacked-out Chevy panel van. Stop on over and he'll show you...it's the one with the missing rear bumper...cause, y'know...Layton Kor sawed it into pitons back in '73. Bring some beer...and...corned beef hash, if you have any. Oh, toilet paper. Yeah. And more beer.
Hey Noob,
Me again. So I went for it. I'm dating a trad climber. The "je ne sais quoi" did it for me.
So now I have a relationship dilemma and I thought I should refer back to you, my original guide in the climber's world of dating.
While my trad climbing boyfriend is very eagle-lion-esque, he's not exactly virile in the bedroom, if you catch my drift...no technical difficulties...just can't seem draw his attention if that direction.
He's always wanting to show me his RACK! He wants me to touch it...to play with it, stroke it...Now don't get me wrong. I love his rack...it's a lovely and quite "sizeable" rack....but c'mon!!! What do I need to do here?
So I was trying to devise ways to entice him. If it were a boulderer I'd just tape a route on my body...you know...go from the jugs to the open-hand sloper, to the two finger...nevermind...But with this trad boy...well, this isn't exactly my forté...do I need to leave a ham sandwich trail to the bed?
Please help!
K.
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boondock_saint
Jul 6, 2006, 5:36 PM
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: I've been exploring my dating options....And then there's the trad bunch...who also have a certain "je ne sais quoi" about them. So...should you date a Trad climber? I've never actually met one, but from what I read online they are clearly virile men of adventure, wild and free like lions...or eagles...or some sort of magical eagle-lion...an eagle-lion with a righteous rack. Check it out, he's totally got triples from .5 to 3", with an outrageous set of aliens and enough bongs, chocks, hexes, squidgies, and nuts to nearly fill a blacked-out Chevy panel van. Stop on over and he'll show you...it's the one with the missing rear bumper...cause, y'know...Layton Kor sawed it into pitons back in '73. Bring some beer...and...corned beef hash, if you have any. Oh, toilet paper. Yeah. And more beer. Hey Noob, Me again. So I went for it. I'm dating a trad climber. The "je ne sais quoi" did it for me. So now I have a relationship dilemma and I thought I should refer back to you, my original guide in the climber's world of dating. While my trad climbing boyfriend is very eagle-lion-esque, he's not exactly virile in the bedroom, if you catch my drift...no technical difficulties...just can't seem draw his attention if that direction. He's always wanting to show me his RACK! He wants me to touch it...to play with it, stroke it...Now don't get me wrong. I love his rack...it's a lovely and quite "sizeable" rack....but c'mon!!! What do I need to do here? So I was trying to devise ways to entice him. If it were a boulderer I'd just tape a route on my body...you know...go from the jugs to the open-hand sloper, to the two finger...nevermind...But with this trad boy...well, this isn't exactly my forté...do I need to leave a ham sandwich trail to the bed? Please help! K.
Well have you tried different positions? Perhaps something that displays an "enticing feature" more prominently? Think: what excites a trad climber more than anything? The most likely answer is: a sweet crack.
The doggy-style position would probably be the most suitable for what you are trying to achieve, as it it will lure him in with a challanging fingercrack and then reward him with nice big fistja... eh nevermind ...
One thing to keep in mind is his every-so-precious rack. Hide it well before you try this, because the retrieval of a stopper or cam from that area might not be too pleasant.
Wish you the best,
I.N. (Interim Noob)
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belayingis4play
Jul 6, 2006, 6:43 PM
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Hey n00b,
First off I would like to say that I love you posts! They have really helped me make my way through the world of spraying. Now I have a few questions of my own.
1. (sorry it's about sport climbing) I am really worried about ground fall on my proj so I have been stick clipping as much as I can. The only problem is that my pole isn't long enough (obviously this is the only time I have this problem since I'm a climber). Do you have any suggestions on how I can clip all the way to the anchors before I leave the ground, and is it still a redpoint if I do this?
2. I want to get the maximum amount of noise coming from my rack when I walk so that everyone knows that there is a rad trad hardman coming up the trail or out of the locker room. Is it louder to put several stoppers or cams on the same biner or should they each get their own for maximum swing/impact?
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wannabe
Jul 6, 2006, 8:14 PM
Post #813 of 977
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Registered: Mar 30, 2004
Posts: 483
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Hey Noob. Ever been sketched out 0.95ft above your last piece of pro, hands sweaty and slipping off of the bomber jug you've been gripping on to for the last five minutes. Hungry and scared....what do you do? The solution, cheezy poofs in the chalk bag. Now you can recharge your system and chalk up at the same time(you see that orange stuff sticks to your fingers), giving you the power to move onto your next jug. Leaving a trail orange goodness for your second to follow.
YOUR WELCOME
the wannabe
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the_iceman
Jul 7, 2006, 5:07 AM
Post #814 of 977
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Registered: Jun 16, 2006
Posts: 347
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My buddy uses sunflower seeds...
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karina
Jul 7, 2006, 1:33 PM
Post #815 of 977
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Registered: Feb 1, 2005
Posts: 31
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In reply to: Well have you tried different positions? Perhaps something that displays an "enticing feature" more prominently? Think: what excites a trad climber more than anything? The most likely answer is: a sweet crack. One thing to keep in mind is his every-so-precious rack. Hide it well before you try this, because the retrieval of a stopper or cam from that area might not be too pleasant.
lol, that's too funny...do you think he'd need to get somebody to second and clean the gear?
K.
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deltav
Jul 7, 2006, 1:41 PM
Post #816 of 977
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Registered: Sep 29, 2005
Posts: 597
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Being second is never as much fun, everything is all slippery from sweat and chalk...
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boondock_saint
Jul 7, 2006, 2:11 PM
Post #817 of 977
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Registered: Aug 6, 2005
Posts: 2157
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In reply to: In reply to: Well have you tried different positions? Perhaps something that displays an "enticing feature" more prominently? Think: what excites a trad climber more than anything? The most likely answer is: a sweet crack. One thing to keep in mind is his every-so-precious rack. Hide it well before you try this, because the retrieval of a stopper or cam from that area might not be too pleasant. lol, that's too funny...do you think he'd need to get somebody to second and clean the gear? K.
Sounds like an invitation to me ;)
Are there any other routes available though?
I must let you know, I'll climb three number-grades harder on the face just to avoid the crack.
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the_iceman
Jul 8, 2006, 1:58 PM
Post #818 of 977
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Registered: Jun 16, 2006
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Seconding on the face is always more desireble than seconding cracks... Of course you also can't discount the enjoyment of some good firm jugs....
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sungam
Jul 8, 2006, 3:18 PM
Post #819 of 977
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Registered: Jun 24, 2004
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Dear Mr Noob,
You didn't answer my question?
In reply to: The other day i went to the climbing gym! it was really cool, because is was differant than what i thought it was! it wasn't actually rock! it was plastic that acted just like rock! it was way cool because the could change the routes. But i saw some people climbing up... without a rope above them! someone said they were "leeding", but i don't understand, how can the rope catch you, if it's below you? please explain! im scared for those people! and someone said i should try in a few weeks... but tje easiest climb is 5.3! so i will fall! but what if i fall from high up? will i die? i don't wanna die...
I can't do this! THE CLIMB IS A MASSIVE 25 FEET TALL! IF I FALL I WILL DIE!!
Help me out here dude! you my last chance!
-Magnus
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mburke225
Jul 8, 2006, 3:21 PM
Post #820 of 977
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Registered: Apr 18, 2004
Posts: 119
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In reply to: In reply to: Well have you tried different positions? Perhaps something that displays an "enticing feature" more prominently? Think: what excites a trad climber more than anything? The most likely answer is: a sweet crack. One thing to keep in mind is his every-so-precious rack. Hide it well before you try this, because the retrieval of a stopper or cam from that area might not be too pleasant. lol, that's too funny...do you think he'd need to get somebody to second and clean the gear? K.
I think the important part is that everybody act like gentleman and don't leave this particular route looking like a painter's radio.
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hiyapokey
Jul 9, 2006, 4:40 AM
Post #821 of 977
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Registered: Jul 6, 2006
Posts: 315
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In reply to: NOOB, two questions. How many articles of fleece must you be wearing to enter an REI and what kind of approach socks do you wear?
Its obvious even to the novice that socks are taboo at REI. As far as layers of fleece you should be OK with 1 or 2, but be sure to have a wind breaking layer over the fleece. Preferably, Goretex Columbia Sport Wear.
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hiyapokey
Jul 9, 2006, 4:45 AM
Post #822 of 977
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Registered: Jul 6, 2006
Posts: 315
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In reply to: In reply to: In reply to: Well have you tried different positions? Perhaps something that displays an "enticing feature" more prominently? Think: what excites a trad climber more than anything? The most likely answer is: a sweet crack. One thing to keep in mind is his every-so-precious rack. Hide it well before you try this, because the retrieval of a stopper or cam from that area might not be too pleasant. lol, that's too funny...do you think he'd need to get somebody to second and clean the gear? K. I think the important part is that everybody act like gentleman and don't leave this particular route looking like a painter's radio.
This is BS man you have over 100 replies that means your not a NOOB anymore. Why don't you go answer questions in the Trad area. Hmmmph.
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hiyapokey
Jul 9, 2006, 4:59 AM
Post #823 of 977
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Registered: Jul 6, 2006
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In reply to: Dear Mr Noob, You didn't answer my question? In reply to: The other day i went to the climbing gym! it was really cool, because is was differant than what i thought it was! it wasn't actually rock! it was plastic that acted just like rock! it was way cool because the could change the routes. But i saw some people climbing up... without a rope above them! someone said they were "leeding", but i don't understand, how can the rope catch you, if it's below you? please explain! im scared for those people! and someone said i should try in a few weeks... but tje easiest climb is 5.3! so i will fall! but what if i fall from high up? will i die? i don't wanna die... Please! the day of truth is only THREE DAYS AWAY!!!!!!!!! I can't do this! THE CLIMB IS A MASSIVE 25 FEET TALL! IF I FALL I WILL DIE!! Help me out here dude! you my last chance! -Magnus
Your right. You will die. The guy you saw climbing at the gym with the rope under him was doing what's called lead soloing and should only be attempted by 5.4 climbers. I think you should be OK though on a 5.3 so long as you use the technique called "pig hauling". Hope I helped.
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subtle
Jul 9, 2006, 6:24 PM
Post #824 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
Posts: 438
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Hi, I'm new here and I just wanted to post up and let you all know what I'm thinking. I see that there are a lot of posts in this thread, so it must be a good place to just, y'know, talk about whatever. I suppose I could read some of the older posts to see what this thread is about, but...I'll do that later...maybe. Or I'll go hang out in Community. Wait, this isn't Community? My bad...anyway, I've got a bunch of stuff to say...where was I?
Allez. Talk amongst yourselves. Homard.
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jakedatc
Jul 9, 2006, 6:44 PM
Post #825 of 977
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Registered: Mar 12, 2003
Posts: 11054
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In reply to: Hi, I'm new here and I just wanted to post up and let you all know what I'm thinking. I see that there are a lot of posts in this thread, so it must be a good place to just, y'know, talk about whatever. I suppose I could read some of the older posts to see what this thread is about, but...I'll do that later...maybe. Or I'll go hang out in Community. Wait, this isn't Community? My bad...anyway, I've got a bunch of stuff to say...where was I? Allez. Talk amongst yourselves. Homard.
HAHAHA you think that people here actually read a thread if it has more than 8 replies to it... NOOOOOOB!!!!!! i mean get a clue eh?
Venga. Ceuse sucks. Langosta. 8^)
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subtle
Jul 9, 2006, 7:19 PM
Post #826 of 977
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Registered: Sep 17, 2004
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The ASK THE NOOB Complete Episode Guide:
Ask The NOOB Season One:
1. Series Pilot
2. Spend lots of money on gear and you'll climb 5.13
3. Eat relish packets and masturbate frequently to send V10.
4. Filming yourself is easy, filming yourself with Paris Hilton is easier.
5. Boulderers never get laid.
6. Safe climbers die in horrible accidents, oblivious gumbs live forever.
7. If you can't do something right, make up a new term for what you did and pretend you meant it.
8. Slippers are the coolest shoes, and gangrene is the coolest side effect.
9. Climbing injuries are frequently nature's way of saying you're special.
10. Slackliners are boulderes who couldn't handle the high-stress lifestyle.
11. The only reason to ice climb is to practice for serial murdering.
12. You aren't going to climb anything without Ninja skills.
13. Noobs only listen to other noobs, and Justin Timberlake.
14. Gear allocation means buying more gear after you misuse what you have.
15. Grades are in your head, and in your guidebook...so buy some whiteout and a pen and send V13
16. Boulderers have poor oral hygene. Women love this.
17. Use the force to find your climbing style. That, and a gear catalog.
18. It's all about style, and if you don't have any, go buy some.
19. People who claim to like outdoor climbing are liars or insane masochists.
20. Adding difficulty to trad by eating more food on-route.
21. Go! Lobster!
22. French people are silly, yet women love them because they do not boulder.
23. Can you escape being 1/2 french? Not without a lightsaber battle.
24. Bolt guns directly lead to spandex sales. I hate spandex.
25. Smoking dope pays much less than being sponsored.
26. Belaying gloves are weak. Belaying oven mitts are rad.
27. You can climb cement highway barriers, but your spotter will get run over.
28. Top roping El Cap presents no logisitical problems whatsoever.
29. Impressing women climbers is easy, unless you're a boulderer.
30. Climbers can't agree on anything, except hating on the french.
31. Climbing is like Jenga, except when it's like monpoly or tic-tac-toe.
32. The more expensive and painful your shoes, the poorer and hurtinger you shall be.
33. Your parents will love your climber boyfriend.
34. Nobody loves boulderers. Even their dogs are only in it to meet sport climbers.
35. If you love your climber boyfriend, van life is pretty sweet.
36. I write for TV...those infomercials don't write themselves.
37. Two harnesses are better than one, at making you look dumb.
38. Retirement post. I'll miss you all.
39. Unretirement post. Suggest spin off column, Date The NOOB. Response...not so favorable.
40. Looking good = climbing hard, as far as people know.
41. Literature reccomendations for the discerning boulderer.
42. Aid climbers are perverts, possibly evil undead monsters.
43. My superbowl halftime show. Regrettably little nudity.
44. If you can't be a good skinny climber, be a great obese climber.
45. Spraylording is almost as good as knowing people and climbing things.
46. If you bring the wrong beer to the crag, you're signing your own death warrant...in beer.
47. More dating advice from the man who has never been on a date. Good thinking, people!
48. Crashpad decorations as insant street cred upper. Get your doodle on.
49. The ham sandwich is the soul of the trad climber. Your soul wants some mayo.
50. Personal ad advice...since I can reel 'em in with the best of them.
51. Nobody clowns the NOOB, nobody.
52. The rules of Boulder Club. Brad Pitt begs for admission.
53. NOOB comes from the latin for 'damn sexy'.
54. Popular topics of boulderer conversation. Amazing that Sharma is only one of them.
55. Quality control survey. Quality plummets as a result.
56. How to size your shoes. Think small, think ow.
57. Someone wierder than me posts, I can't believe it and freak out.
58. Wearing a trad rack leads to stalking.
59. Begin pondering of Ham Freezing question.
60. I hate harnesses so much, you'd think they come from france.
61. Ham can Freeze. Send the nobel prize this way, boys.
62. I love Feral Raccoon, oh yes I do.
63. New fashion steezos for your inner pimp.
64. If you can carry your trad rack by yourself, it's puny and you are not a man, unless you're a woman, in which case you are also not a man, but for different reasons.
65. If the Ham is calling to you, do not resist. You'll just sprain something.
66. Helium will not get you high, unless sounding like a chipmunk gets you high, that is.
67. Vocabulary lessons for boulderers that can't read...ie, all of us.
68. Another wierdo, another wierdo mocked. My job is done here.
69. Rating adjustment scale. Now you know what your really sent.
70. User names to attract the ladies...or men pretending to be ladies.
71. Go metric, young lass, and your sends are automatically .77 harder.
72. Big Ball O' Sexy.
73. Pimp My NOOB pilot.
74. Feral Raccoon taunts me with her genius, I respond timidly, like the infant I am.
75. Survey of men who would like to date F.R. Survey says...all.
76. Boulderers are allergic to rope. It burns!
77. I tease Feral Raccoon with knowledge of The Purple Way.
78. Things not to buy on eBay.
79. Partners are made of lunch meat.
80. This one right here.
Ask The NOOB - Season Two DVD Box Set
81. The NOOB climbs outside. By climbs, we mean falls badly...often.
82. Shirt drag is the silent send killer.
83. Easy-Bake gym excuses, just add water. Makes its own sauce!
84. Hyper-Time Zygote Boy writes in from the 6th dimension.
85. Your dog should look like you, so you have to buy him a beanie.
86. Trading sex for gear. What can I get for my toothbrush?!?
87. Taking your pet snake climbing. What could go wrong?
88. I'm not going to tell you how to poop, no matter how many times you ask.
89. It's the rope monkeys, I tell you.
90. I continue to hit on Feral Raccoon. Results...not so good.
91. The new Rack Diamond Plumber Cam reviewed. 5 plungers!
92. If you want to rock the crag, here's your role model, boys.
93. I explain how to climb 5.24a using physics. Possible calculation errors.
94. Why climb when you can spray? In the gym. You're so cool...
95. I phone one in. Next!
96. When the ice melts, it's all about lumberjack challenge.
97. (gasp!) The NOOB asked a question? Huh?
98. I'm not going anywhere. I have nowhere to go. So there.
99. I explain reproduction. There is some guessing involved.
100. My biography. I seem much cooler online, I must say...
101. Someone offers me a job...what's a job?
102. Imaginary climbing partners are poor spotters, but good listeners.
103. Lawyers don't climb, and charlie don't surf.
104. How to deal with having a hot climber girlfriend. Once again, I'm guessing a lot.
105. Altitude sickness, it'll get you.
106. Today's fat pathetic sporto is tomorrows sleek and virile traddie.
107. Prehistoric climbing. Yabba Dabba Dude, Yo.
108. There's no candy at the top of The Mandala. You can stop trying now.
109. Being sponsored by Land 'O Lakes is much cooler than Dred Chili.
110. You can still attract women wearing a hockey mask. They might be...odd...though.
111. I pretend to be a sport climber, my lack of rope is a giveaway.
112. Stymied by logic, I surrender.
113. Selecting gym music. Get your polka on, brah.
114. It's all about Maynard.
115. If you're going to fall badly, may as well scream loud so people know to watch.
116. Mixing trad and sport leads to undead zombification. Duh!
117. It's not a helmet, it's a hardshell beanie.
118. How to slackline. Dirty, Lazy, Unemployed and balanced...in short.
119. There's an ill sesh going down in Middle Earth, yo.
120. I dare the gear industry to give me free stuff to break. Reponse...muted.
121. It's all a question of perspective...and I have none...what was the question?
122. I help someone with gear selection and Tool Lyrics. I should also write his obit, for the complete package.
123. Sandwich ethics.
124. Ask the NOOB is written by evil robots. So, now you know.
125. If one toothbrush is good, 47 is pretty frigging dope, yo!
126. I double dare the gear industry. They are unimpressed.
127. Sticker advice for your Nalgene. I'll get a MENSA card for this one...
128. Sharma vs. Vader...too close to call.
129. How to make your head less tasty.
130. Soloing is like a sonnet...of impending deckosity.
131. The NOOB gets all flustered.
132. Where do boulderers come from?
133. Dating your gear is ok...in Crazy Town.
134. Italians are like Diet Coke.
135. Boulderer reproduction, Fact or Fiction?
136. Season 2 Box Set.
Ask The NOOB - Clinging To Relevance Season 3 Collectors Edition
137. It's good to be a "Tree Climbing Spank From Flatville"...I think.
138. How to Trad Climb with Women...I've done none of those words.
139. Extreme Urban Alpine Climbing...because Unextreme sounds so defeatist.
140. Deep water buildering is the future of a silly, silly sport.
141. If you don't die, you've got a bright future in climbing.
142. 1/2 a trad climber = fat or weak, but not both.
143. How to tell if you have a tiny weener. Finally, my area of expertise...
144. 'Nuts' jokes...do they ever get old? Not yet, at any rate.
145. Hair care tips for people that always wear beanies. Not a long post.
146. Ladies dig the post count. Imaginary ones do, at any rate.
147. How to gear up for your expedition...to the gym.
148. Local ethics should dictate bread choice for your ham sandy.
149. I critique an anchor set-up. This could go...poorly.
150. Can you anchor a top rope to a deer. Well, if it's ok with the deer...
151. If you ask 10 questions, you get 1 bad answer.
152. Teleporting past the crux is...not the purest style.
153. Ask The NOOB is like the clown car at the circus.
154. Strength through self-gratification.
155. Stretching a rope does not make it twice as good, but it may make you twice as dead.
156. The Witness (the Fitness) Protection Program.
157. Rope handling techniques explained by a boulderer who doesn't even have laces on his shoes.
158. Subliminal messages about Lee.
159. Why do you people doubt that I'm a bad climber?!?
160. Crash pad retrospective.
161. Hello, I'm not home, please leave a message.
162. Vegetarian Ham Sandwiches...why? Seriously, why?
163. Do bruises make you cooler? No, they make you hurtier.
164. Someone offers to have my children. I freak right out.
165. Automotive detailing advice.
166. Ask The NOOB moves to Houston. Yee-haw?
167. Goodbye New England.
168. Houston Beta. It's flat, hot, and...that's about it.
169. You too can have an Ask The NOOB autographed photo. By why would you want one?
170. Guy climbing vs. Girl climbing. I know nothing about either, really.
171. Ways to pump up your post count on-route.
172. Ask the NOOB will never die. If you just breathed a sigh of relief, seek help.
173. Scream training. Pretty standard, really.
174. If you have to choose between rad shoes and rad hair, hairspray is waaaay cheaper.
175. Big Rack with Steeze...'nuff said.
176. The problems of grading a route that happens to be a...tree.
177. Covering yourself in chalk is a life decision, like any other.
178. We're years away from a cure for CCWC, but your donations won't help.
179. Paper clips + Rubber Bands = tiny quickdraws + certain death
180. Programming notes.
181. The question I didn't see coming...even when I just re-read it.
182. A beer question. Yet another area of conjecture.
183. Awoooh! Were-Boulderers of New England!
184. Hello, I'm not home fleeing a hurricane, please leave a message.
185. Heh heh heh, he said wood.
186. Style advice from the guy wearing pants his mom picked out for him.
187. Boulderers on steroids would bulk up to 114lbs. You're huge, brah.
188. My pita knife still hasn't come in the mail.
189. Bouldering without a crashpad isn't the smartest thing you could be doing.
190. Replace chalk with peanut butter. Genius!
191. What's cool right now. Too late, you missed it.
192. Why ice climbing might not be for you. Or any sane person.
193. Vegas, I love Vegas. Oh, you said Vegans.
194. If Tool were a problem, what kind of problem would they be?
195. Climbing magazines will help you climb...if you stand on them.
196. Don't click the link! Don't do it! Doooon't!
197. Bug-dab explained.
198. beep boop boop...cheep beep boop
199. Get your send on, Gorilla Girl.
200. Why change yourself when you can hire someone to change everyone else?
201. How to not bash your junk on things. Honestly, people need help with this?
202. Post count = social relevance...to people with a higher post count than you.
203. Season 3 index page.
Ask The NOOB Season Four - The Lost Years
204. If you can't have core strength, build your fat torque with Ice Cream.
205. Roast a pig, climb a pitch...or both?
206. Stay tuned for Ask The Piss Guy.
207. For those of you holding your breath for my magazine debut...you're probably dead.
208. The downward sprial...it leads to a couch and and a long thread, brah.
209. My trip to Boulder. I am weaker than I thought...not terribly surprising.
210. Don't bump Ask the NOOB. I also dislike chit-chat. Prophetic, no?
211. How to act around elite climbers. 'less drooly' would suffice.
212. Yet more differences between boulderers and trad climbers.
213. How you become a boulderer. First you find the Ring of Power, Smeagol...
214. Approach shoe review...in case you were having trouble...approaching.
215. Ice climbing in Houston. Conditions not so good.
216. The pros get custom excuses. You have to buy retail.
217. The Rock Warriors Way. Has nothing to do with Rock Lobster, or Rock You Like A Hurricane.
218. Another vacation post. I must have some serious frequent flyer miles.
219. My pre-climb routine. Prepare to cringe. I know I do.
220. The 2005 Ask The NOOB awards.
221. The Big NOOBowski.
222. How much gear is too much gear. If you have to ask, you don't have enough.
223. How not to explode on-route.
224. MassClimbers4lyfe.
225. How to buy a house. You people don't live with your parents?!?
226. Expensive = safe.
227. The raddest car ever. Hint...it's not a car.
228. What kind of car to buy. What am I, consumer reports?
229. How not to prepare for a bouldering session.
230. Dating climbers. Houses. Cars. Dates. What are...three things I don't have? Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner.
231. Ask the NOOB wasn't dead, it was just...sleeping.
232. How to pick who falls to their death.
233. Longest question ever. I fell asleep...will you?
234. How to know who your friends are.
235. This one is so short, it's barely a post. I'd skip it if I were you...
236. Can anyone be an unsucessful free soloist? Not for long.
237. Cheerleading comes to climbing...and leaves immediately.
238. I answer two questions at once. That's right. No I didn't.
239. Yet another vacation to allegedly climb something.
240. Hairy Palms + Hand Tape = ???
241. How to choose a climbing mentor for your son. Hint: Not Mark Twight.
242. How to interact with a guide. Bring food, check ego at door.
243. Too busy searching for Tool bootlegs to answer questions.
244. Yet another question that I turn into a Tool question. Newsflash: I like Tool.
245. What the heck happened here?
246. How to integrate new gear into your rack. Name tags and group hugs...not effective.
247. How to send harder by being lazier. By send harder I mean...nap more.
248. I can even answer things that aren't questions...they just aren't answers.
249. That which doesn't kill you can only make you cooler.
250. How to prepare for a multipitch climb. I prepare by not going.
251. My philosophy.
252. Seeing eye dogs have the best beta.
253. What is the sound of one hand clapping?
254. Ask The NOOB Complete Episode Guide.
Allez. Homard.
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ratmnerd
Jul 10, 2006, 1:35 AM
Post #827 of 977
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Registered: Mar 5, 2006
Posts: 120
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NOOOO!!!! come back n00b!!!
:cry:
damn. it was me wasn't it. why do the threads i post on always die?
o yeah, cos i have no social skills and no soul. sorry guys. :cry:
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blazesod
Jul 10, 2006, 2:15 AM
Post #828 of 977
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Registered: Apr 27, 2002
Posts: 249
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Dear N00B:
My friends and I started climbing trad yesterday and met these totally awesome climbers who said we could hang out with them once we learned, "how to keep a hand on the rope while grabbing and opening a fresh beer from the cooler?"
Can you help us out so we can watch them send insane V-1 boulder problems next weekend?
-Midland, OK
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boulder_junky
Jul 10, 2006, 2:40 PM
Post #829 of 977
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Registered: May 24, 2006
Posts: 51
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Dear nOOb,
You may remember me as the guy who you advised to get a seeing eye dog. First off, it has worked magnificently, however I am ready to diversify my climbing into other types and have discovered a subject not addressed up to this point.
What about speed climbing? What is their opinion on ham, sentiments concerning the French, or their stance on beanies?
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durangatang
Jul 29, 2006, 3:37 AM
Post #830 of 977
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Registered: Sep 28, 2004
Posts: 5
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Hello Mr. n00b, I have just been getting into climbing and I was wondering: why should I climb? I mean, what are the main reasons that different climbers climb?
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the_iceman
Jul 29, 2006, 6:01 AM
Post #831 of 977
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Registered: Jun 16, 2006
Posts: 347
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[quote="subtle"]Hi, I'm new here and I just wanted to post up and let you all know what I'm thinking. I see that there are a lot of posts in this thread, so it must be a good place to just, y'know, talk about whatever. I suppose I could read some of the older posts to see what this thread is about, but...I'll do that later...maybe. Or I'll go hang out in Community. Wait, this isn't Community? My bad...anyway, I've got a bunch of stuff to say...where was I?
Allez. Talk amongst yourselves. Homard.[/quote
Hey Subtle, don't feel bad. You took this thread to 50+ pages without it being commandeered, that's impressive, most don't make it past 3 before that happens. That said, I think it all started falling apart about the time you stopped responding... Or did you stop responding because it was falling apart? ...A mystery shrouded in an enigma, to be sure.
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booger
Oct 2, 2006, 2:57 PM
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Noobers,
My climbing prowess has suffered as a direct result of the waning popularity of your thread. I would sue you, but... well, I don't live in America anymore. So instead, I decided to ask a question.
Recently, I saw some strife in the Community pages regarding a Super Taco. Is this some kind of Mexican climbing gym? Or has the standard American climbing diet been usurped by the foreign-made stuff? We don't have Mexican food here in Europe. Actually, we don't even have any Mexicans. Could you explain this Super Taco phenomenon, and how it may help or hinder my climbing?
I'll sue if you don't answer... and if I ever move to America.
Taz
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deltav
Oct 3, 2006, 2:46 AM
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I must second this lament...o subtle, where have you gone? :?
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epoch
Moderator
Oct 20, 2006, 5:50 PM
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Dear Sir NoOb,
My sick V0--- project is all wet. I have tried to dry the route with towels, but every time I do the local kids come by and douse the rocks and fauna with their garden hoses all the while snickering and making fun of me. I am starting to believe their banter that I am not a core climber, but I really want this send. If I eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead of ham would that make me a better boulderer? I am afraid that the ham sammiches are making my physique more of a trad climber and less of the ripped boulderer that I really am.
I need your advice and wisdom with my troubles.
~ Wet & Frusterated
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grampacharlie
Oct 20, 2006, 6:00 PM
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Dear NooB, being that the season is getting further on into fall, that beautiful time of year with autumn leaves and Halloween, would I get bonus point for style if I climbed in costum and ate only candy corn from now until that beloved holiday?
On a side note. Candy corn... is it candy, or corn?
Thanks.
Gramps.
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subtle
Oct 23, 2006, 12:56 AM
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In reply to: I must second this lament...o subtle, where have you gone? :?
I have actually gone back to New England, as a matter of fact. I'm a little bit out of sorts, at the moment, because my couch, TV, nine pair of V10s and copies of AutoRoute and Dosage III are packed in a box and slowly headed north...and the withdrawl is killing me, I tell you. Plus, given all the moving-related confusion, I've not been to any sort of gym or bouldering area...or climb-able ladder or tree...or, ummm, rad step-stool proj...in a few weeks...so my finely honed V1- pimp steezos have eroded to the point where I will probably have to strap on a harness and jumar my way up the stairs to the gym. I should probably, then, start a new thread called Ask Fatty McWeak-Sauce...but the marketing team at the site tell me that I'd be abandoning all of the residual brand equity in my core demographic.
I had honestly planned to let this thread rest, but much like Superman seeing a crashing plane, Dave Graham seeing a razorblade crimper, or Jason Kehl seeing a sale on Hair Dye and Rasputina CDs...I have seen a question about candy...and I feel I must answer it. It is my destiny.
Plus, if I don't, that odd person from overseas is going to sue me. I can't have my vast pool of assets (see list above) siezed in some sort of Enron-esque trans-global financial imbroglio...
So, give me a little time to unpack and I'll get back to work. Same rules as before...ask what you like, and I'll do what I can with it. The less chit-chat the easier the thread is to read, so please, questions only.
Allez. MassClimbers4Lyfe! Homard.
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jakedatc
Oct 23, 2006, 1:15 AM
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Dear nOOOb,
I'd like to report that although you left but have returned.. Loadies Zen is still intact. However I did come up with a question.
If you've sent Try Again.. then what?! It still says Try Again.. so i keep trying and trying again.. when will I be able to stop??
Allez. You down for flailage soon? Homard
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ratmnerd
Oct 23, 2006, 5:50 AM
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Dear n00b,
welcome back. I heard a rumour at the gym yesterday that you were back, and this was immediately followed by the question "how do i send that green route over there?". I take this as meaning that you've successfully sent it, so please, share with me the secret of your success. I've read the whole thread (thrice) and so far i've come to realise that, as it's a 5.6+ with a rad V0- crux, i should only wear lycra and never shower, as well as mixing shoes (a V10 and a madrock flash) and avoiding ham at all costs. I'd sleep under it on a crashpad, but the gym staff kick me out. I've drunk red bull til i vibrate across the floor, but nothing. I had the same result from huffing on helium and consuming only mustard (as mentioned in an earlier post) but still can't do it. However, despite all this, i can't send. please n00b, what must i do to send this sick proj?
Waiting in anxious, pants-wetting suspense,
A fellow n00b
ps I'm 12, 4'4, 120lbs, if that helps.
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sungam
Oct 23, 2006, 11:54 AM
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AHH OMFGWTF! NOOB! I NEED YOU HELP! The other day...
Well, it was like, we were talking, well, I was talking to this other guy (he was good... he redpointed a fucking 5.8!) and he...
well, he... INVITED ME TO GO CLIMB OUTDOORS!
HOLY SHIT WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I told him I on sighted 5.5, but I still fall off my 5.5 project!
I heard that if you fall outdoors, you will not only die, but you'll die a SLOW AND PAINFULL DEATH, and then a man called majid_sabet will right stories about how you died on rc.com, and then people will argue.
BUT I CAN'T CLIMB 5.5 AND THAT IS WHAT WE WILL BE DOING!
He said something about me 2nding the route... BUT IF I WILL BE GETTING THE 2nd ASCENT HOW DO I KNOW IT'S NOT REALLY 5.6????? AM I GOING TO DIE????
Please help me! I can't refuse the offer, cuz then I won't seem like the 'core guy I really am!
I don't want to die now... the other day, a girl actually acknowladge the fact I was in the room, by telling me to fuck off! (thats only one step away from "fuck me" right?)
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
-Sabastian Graham-Smidt
-(Thanks for the earlier advice, guys, I didn't try that silly soloing stuff, after all. I shot myslef in the leg with a paintball gun insted, should I do this again to get out of the outdoor climbing?)
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alwaysclimbing07
Oct 26, 2006, 12:11 AM
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Dear Noob,
As I was on pitch 19, and 1,600 ft above my last piece of protection last weekend on the beautiful diamond-granit bulleted splitters of my home country New Foundland, i began to clip in to a greasy Mcdonalds wrapper, and as an eagle flew by it looked down at me and said "hey, your rad man", and i looked up at him and said "no your rad man!", so what i guess im trying to ask is what are your views on holding a strobe-light dyno competition inside a rock gym?
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alwaysclimbing07
Oct 26, 2006, 12:13 AM
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Dear Noob,
As I was on pitch 19, and 1,600 ft above my last piece of protection last weekend on the beautiful diamond-granit bulleted splitters of my home country New Foundland, i began to clip in to a greasy Mcdonalds wrapper, and as an eagle flew by it looked down at me and said "hey, your rad man", and i looked up at him and said "no your rad man!", so what i guess im trying to ask is what are your views on holding a strobe-light dyno competition inside a rock gym?
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alwaysclimbing07
Oct 26, 2006, 12:13 AM
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Dear Noob,
As I was on pitch 19, and 1,600 ft above my last piece of protection last weekend on the beautiful diamond-granit bulleted splitters of my home country New Foundland, i began to clip in to a greasy Mcdonalds wrapper, and as an eagle flew by it looked down at me and said "hey, your rad man", and i looked up at him and said "no your rad man!", so what i guess im trying to ask is what are your views on holding a strobe-light dyno competition inside a rock gym?
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subtle
Oct 26, 2006, 1:50 AM
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In reply to: Dear NooB, being that the season is getting further on into fall, that beautiful time of year with autumn leaves and Halloween, would I get bonus point for style if I climbed in costum and ate only candy corn from now until that beloved holiday? On a side note. Candy corn... is it candy, or corn? Thanks. Gramps.
Oh, where do I start? Why...with a song!
Who can hike a choss pile (if it’s below V2)
Covered all in chalk, with a roll of tape or two
The NOOBy man, the NOOBy man can
The NOOBy man can 'cause he pimps it like a thug
And makes other climbers look good.
Who can take some Dragons, cinch them way too tight
Slap on a Prana beanie and watch Dosage III all night
The NOOBy man?
The NOOBy man, the NOOBy man can!
The NOOBy man can 'cause he falls off all the jugs
And makes the gumbys look good.
Subtle always makes, every fall he takes
Terrifying and horrific.
Talk about your crashpad misses!
You can even hear he squishes.
Who can make a long throw, with an awful scream
Separate his shoulder and then knock out all his teeth
The NOOBy man, the NOOBy man can
The NOOBy man can 'cause he crimps it like a punk
And makes the other climbers look good.
And the world climbs good
’Cause when NOOBy man spots…it should
Errrm...yeah...I suspect there are some Ooompa-loompas that want to have a word with me, right about now.
As I see it, it's not a question of will you get bonus points for climbing in costume...clearly, yes, you will...the practical issue is what costume will get you the most points. Dressing like Chris Sharma, Dave Graham et al is totally off, brah...chances are you're already sporting about seventeen products they endorse...what else are you going to do to look like them? Get a fake ID claiming you're Dave SharmaKehl? You're totally not going to be able to buy beer with that, either...just...in case you wondered...
Sooooo, candy corn. I used to climb with a guy down in Houston who thought the raddest thing ever would be to have two chalk bags on his harness...one for chalk, and one for gummy bears. I'll give you the same advice I gave him...don't mix them up. I don't know that candy corn will amp up your steez, but it will help you send harder. Anything with sugar will, really. I've watched comp climbers sit in isolation and eat giant bags of M&Ms, and my old climbing partner from Houston used to fire down Snickers bars before, after and during V-hard sends. So if you don't happen to have a 5lb sack of glucose handy, candy corn will do just fine.
Allez. Empty calories for the win, Mr. SharmaKehl...if that is your real name. Homard.
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bri1682
Oct 26, 2006, 3:48 AM
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This might be the greatest thread ever
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nutstuffer
Oct 26, 2006, 6:04 AM
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Dear NOOB,
I have fore sworn indoor climbing, and will only spend any future effort on real rock. Why should I inflame my elbows any further, I can hardly hold on to a glass of water. I am ready to be a real hard man. Problem is every time I get to my proj, there is a line, and I don't want the other hard men to laugh at me.
You know, like the time I put my harness on backwards.
To compound the problem I have no partner so I am planning on soloing.
Don't worry, I am not afraid and I have a figure 8 and know how to use it.
If I don't send soon I may loose my state of Hardness. I just know once I send this route I'll be the one laughing and I sure won't take any more crap from those weenies at the rec center. What your advice?
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al_piner
Oct 26, 2006, 5:07 PM
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Dear NooB ,
Can you tell me how to make and use a poop tube . I don't plan on doing any big walls for quite a while but I do need one ASAP. Last week I soiled myself on this sketchy 5.2 runout .
I don't want this happening any more because it's bad enough having other climbers yelling at me to " put a hat on cause the sun hitting your bald spot is distracting us ! " and a partner that calls me ' Haulbag ' .
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maddox
Oct 27, 2006, 7:39 PM
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In reply to: Dear Noob, As I was on pitch 19, and 1,600 ft above my last piece of protection last weekend on the beautiful diamond-granit bulleted splitters of my home country New Foundland, i began to clip in to a greasy Mcdonalds wrapper, and as an eagle flew by it looked down at me and said "hey, your rad man", and i looked up at him and said "no your rad man!", so what i guess im trying to ask is what are your views on holding a strobe-light dyno competition inside a rock gym?
Is that the pristine jutting line that flows out above the bay for about 3,000 feet, before going into a gorgeous, free solo 1200 foot roof? That line is rad sick. I totally climbed that with a coat hanger, some fishing line, snickers, and Thomasina Pidgeon belaying me.
While I was sending, I bravely risked my life saving some defenseless baby marmosets from falling to their certain death in the ocean 4100 feet below me (all while locked off with my pinky on a 1/8th pad crimp, 1800 feet above my last barbie-head-on-a-coathanger). What ever would they have done without me?
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sungam
Oct 27, 2006, 7:57 PM
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In reply to: My question is: how do snickers make you so much stronger?
There is these things in snickers called "poly pento peptides", just like the ones in Panten Pro-V, and just as thier conditioner strengthens hair, the ones in snickers, since you ate them, make your BODY stronger. MUCH stronger.
-Magnus
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subtle
Nov 6, 2006, 2:14 AM
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In reply to: Dear Noob, As I was on pitch 19, and 1,600 ft above my last piece of protection last weekend on the beautiful diamond-granit bulleted splitters of my home country New Foundland, i began to clip in to a greasy Mcdonalds wrapper, and as an eagle flew by it looked down at me and said "hey, your rad man", and i looked up at him and said "no your rad man!", so what i guess im trying to ask is what are your views on holding a strobe-light dyno competition inside a rock gym?
As any trad climber worth the ham on their sammy will tell you...often at length, frequently after stealing one of your PBR Tallboys...climbing is about less about grades and sends and getting sponsored...and more about freeing yourself from the dehumanizing constraints of society and allowing yourself to experience the beauty and purity of nature and the eternal life-force that binds us all together...umm, while perched perilously on aircraft-carrier sized 'foot chips' on a 5.7-.
Well, Obi-Wan, pretty much nothing celebrates the purity of nature like a bunch of shirtless troglodytes hucking dyno after dyno in a lightless cave filled with Red Bull mist, chalk and freshly-squeezed testosterone vapor. But hold up SteezeLord...before you peel off that $99.98 DopeGun hoodie and wade through the piles of Cliff Bar wrappers to the V9 warm-up...consider the impact you're having on the ecosystem. Yeah, I said ecosystem...I had to look it up...but I said it. The Access Bund has been working tirelessly to prevent encroachment onto our precious start jugs and padded-out landing areas by birthday parties and scout troops...but they can't do it alone. We all have to do our part to help keep the pristine wilds of the bouldering cave...umm...pristine...for lack of a better word. Anyhow, back to the thesaurus I go...you all wait here.
Bottom line, if we want our children to be able to experience the power and majesty of a sallow pre-pubescent sticking a seven foot flyer as the DJ cuts from a 140bpm techno song from The Matrix to a slightly different sounding 150bpm song from The Matrix Reloaded and his spotter is momentarily blinded by the glare of a strobe off some body paint on what appears to be a woman...well...we're going to have to be better stewards of our environment...and, errrr, have children.
Well, one out of two ain't bad, brah...
Allez. No, YOU rule! Homard.
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subtle
Nov 6, 2006, 2:22 AM
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In reply to: Dear Noob, As I was on pitch 19, and 1,600 ft above my last piece of protection last weekend on the beautiful diamond-granit bulleted splitters of my home country New Foundland, i began to clip in to a greasy Mcdonalds wrapper, and as an eagle flew by it looked down at me and said "hey, your rad man", and i looked up at him and said "no your rad man!", so what i guess im trying to ask is what are your views on holding a strobe-light dyno competition inside a rock gym?
As any trad climber worth the ham on their sammy will tell you...often at length, frequently after stealing one of your PBR Tallboys...climbing is about less about grades and sends and getting sponsored...and more about freeing yourself from the dehumanizing constraints of society and allowing yourself to experience the beauty and purity of nature and the eternal life-force that binds us all together...umm, while perched perilously on aircraft-carrier sized 'foot chips' on a 5.7-.
Well, Obi-Wan, pretty much nothing celebrates the purity of nature like a bunch of shirtless troglodytes hucking dyno after dyno in a lightless cave filled with Red Bull mist, chalk and freshly-squeezed testosterone vapor. But hold up SteezeLord...before you peel off that $99.98 DopeGun hoodie and wade through the piles of Cliff Bar wrappers to the V9 warm-up...consider the impact you're having on the ecosystem. Yeah, I said ecosystem...I had to look it up...but I said it. The Access Bund has been working tirelessly to prevent encroachment onto our precious start jugs and padded-out landing areas by birthday parties and scout troops...but they can't do it alone. We all have to do our part to help keep the pristine wilds of the bouldering cave...umm...pristine...for lack of a better word. Anyhow, back to the thesaurus I go...you all wait here.
Bottom line, if we want our children to be able to experience the power and majesty of a sallow pre-pubescent sticking a seven foot flyer as the DJ cuts from a 140bpm techno song from The Matrix to a slightly different sounding 150bpm song from The Matrix Reloaded and his spotter is momentarily blinded by the glare of a strobe off some body paint on what appears to be a woman...well...we're going to have to be better stewards of our environment...and, errrr, have children.
Well, one out of two ain't bad, brah...
Allez. No, YOU rule! Homard.
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brent_e
Nov 6, 2006, 7:22 AM
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Dearest Subtle,
I have acquired a golden trophy for a witty remark in a thread. I have 3 other trophies in my collection online. I am wondering what wood will be the best for my virtual trophy case. Is ebony ok? Should I just stick with pine? Or should i try cyber cyprus?
thank you.
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subtle
Nov 16, 2006, 3:17 AM
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In reply to: Dear NooB , Can you tell me how to make and use a poop tube . I don't plan on doing any big walls for quite a while but I do need one ASAP. Last week I soiled myself on this sketchy 5.2 runout . I don't want this happening any more because it's bad enough having other climbers yelling at me to " put a hat on cause the sun hitting your bald spot is distracting us ! " and a partner that calls me ' Haulbag ' .
Hmmmmm...interesting. For those of you who have not been following along, I sort of made a rule a ways back that I would not respond to any poop-related posts on the...I thought...eminently reasonable grounds that if you don't know how to go to the bathroom, there's not much I can do to help. But this isn't a pooping question...it's a gear question...and I do answer those. Well played, sir...well played indeed.
Further adding to my answerological condundrum is the fact that I'm a boulderer...and if you happen to have seen Dave Graham in Dosage IV, you know we really don't eat a whole lot. It's not like there's a whole lot of fiber in an Xtreme Blueberry Turbo Slurpee, either, brah. So, much like with dating and belaying advice...ahem, pun not intended as far as you know...I'm going to have to logically work through this step by step as I go. Good luck, and I hope you can hold it...
Ok. You're obviously a trad climber, which means you probably have all manner of garbage...errrr, gear, sorry...clipped to your harness, some of which you probably don't remember is there. Check around the next time you're allegedly belaying your leader...he's not going to fall, he's sitting on a foot chip having a ham sandwich five feet above you. You're definately going to want something sturdy...because an improperly caged dooker is a hazard to your whole expedition. Nothing promising, eh? Well, thank goodness you did remember to bring quadrupled cams from .4 to 4 and nine sets of nuts...running out a 5.3+ is skeeery. Ok, you're going to have to improvise. Your probable best bets are either the half-empty gallon can of beans that got you into this mess in the first place...or your partner's lucky wool hat that Royal Robbins gave him in 1977 that he got married in and later saved his life in the death zone on Nanga Parbat.
Psssssh. Like he's going to miss that.
Allez. This is why boulderers keep their beanies on. Homard.
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majid_sabet
Nov 16, 2006, 7:32 AM
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n00b
You been following my post and red tagging them left and right. So with this new RC your As* got grounded and no more red tag, so now put that helmet on rat and take your so called climbing AS$ back on that wall and move it.
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justthemaid
Nov 16, 2006, 2:12 PM
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Majid's kinda cute when he's mad. I just wanna pinch his little cheeks.
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subtle
Nov 28, 2006, 2:07 AM
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booger wrote: Noobers, My climbing prowess has suffered as a direct result of the waning popularity of your thread. I would sue you, but... well, I don't live in America anymore. So instead, I decided to ask a question. Recently, I saw some strife in the Community pages regarding a Super Taco. Is this some kind of Mexican climbing gym? Or has the standard American climbing diet been usurped by the foreign-made stuff? We don't have Mexican food here in Europe. Actually, we don't even have any Mexicans. Could you explain this Super Taco phenomenon, and how it may help or hinder my climbing? I'll sue if you don't answer... and if I ever move to America. Taz
I don't really spend much time in Community, since as near as I can tell it's entirely populated by 48 year old men trolling for nubile sport climbing vixens with sophisticated pick-uppetry like "Once you go Trad...it's...ummm, not so bad" and "Is your rack as nice as my rack...well, nevermind...let's just talk about my rack...look at the lobes on that cam...ooooOOOOhhh, mamma!"
Smooth like butter, broham.
I'm pretty sure that since neither you or I actually know what the Super Taco Phenomenon is...you're probably pretty safe. Unless, of course, it's a secret government conspiracy to use Alien (Dave Graham, Jason Kehl) gravity control technology (V10s, Dragons) and slick propaganda (Dosage IV) to homogenize (matching prAna outfits) the youth into a single parasitic client organism for the military/industrial complex (gas to the crag, free range organic energy bars made of soylent green). But...like I said...I don't think there's anything to worry about. By the way, have I told you how rad Dosage IV is? You should watch it, all the cool people are. Dave Graham does this sick move on Terremer V15 wearing one Dragon and one V10.
I think I'm going to go have an energy bar now...
Allez. The Truth is Out There. Homard.
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marvinz
Dec 1, 2006, 10:59 AM
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Dearest Mr. Noob
It has recently come to my attention that rc.com has an 'adult content (nudity)' box which can be checked upon submission of digital photographic images to aforementioned interweb netsite.
Thusly, my query is twofold;
WTF! People climb nekid?!?!?!? I mean, in Germany sure, but other places too?
Secondly, and most importantly, where are these nude crags and do they have lots of bushes for me to hide in ... uh, you know ... for sociological observation purposes.
Sincerely
Dr. Spanken ... uh, er ... Crankenstein
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subtle
Dec 4, 2006, 3:34 AM
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marvinz wrote: Dearest Mr. Noob It has recently come to my attention that rc.com has an 'adult content (nudity)' box which can be checked upon submission of digital photographic images to aforementioned interweb netsite. Thusly, my query is twofold; WTF! People climb nekid?!?!?!? I mean, in Germany sure, but other places too? Secondly, and most importantly, where are these nude crags and do they have lots of bushes for me to hide in ... uh, you know ... for sociological observation purposes. Sincerely Dr. Spanken ... uh, er ... Crankenstein
In the interests of preserving my journalisitic integrity, I could not possibly respond to a question about hypothetical pr0n trove on RC.Com without a thorough first-person fact-finding mission...so, with that in mind, I double-locked the door to my room, threw a blanket over the monitor and got to work.
After a couple of hours of fruitless searches of several thousand highly rated yet eerily similar action shots of the Iron Man Traverse and incalculable sunset photos of something called a 'buttress'...not what I was hoping for, by the way...I realized I had the adult filter set to 'on'. Tsk, tsk...this won't do...it won't do at all. After re-adjusting my protective goggles, I...with shaking hand...clicked the 'off' button and braced myself for the inevitable Guccione-esqe explosion of skintastic JPEG-erry...and...
Nothing.
After I finished weeping...it took a while, I'm not going to lie...I tried to puzzle through this inexplicable smut-drought in the newly gomorrahized photo database. Since it seems like every gumb with a beanie is grabbing 32 frames per second of jug-hauling while not spotting their climber, your average crag or bouldering area currently has video coverage that would make the Department of Homeland Security jealous. If there were naked climbers...surely we'd have seen them...unless that damn Sasquatch is blocking the view again.
Seriously, man, get out of the frame. You! Hairy guy! Shoo!
Allez. RC.Com Pr0n. Unicorns. Santa. Lies! Homard.
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ihategrigris
Dec 20, 2006, 9:03 PM
Post #858 of 977
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Dearest nooB:
Are there any multipitch sport climbs in Red Rocks?!?!
(This post was edited by ihategrigris on Dec 23, 2006, 5:36 AM)
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racer999
Dec 22, 2006, 9:41 PM
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Hey Mr. Noob,
I love climbing in the gym. Mostly because a) there isn’t so much dirt and b) there are lotsa chicks and I look good in underarmor. So I usually enter the gym with my climbing backpack, three pairs of shoes, and two chalk bags. And three harnesses, of course. Gear makes the man and all… Anyway, I see really good climbers with ropes so I figured chicks would dig me more if I had one too. I don’t go in for that leading or anything, it’s just that it seems a lot easier to talk to them when you are flaking the rope (over and over) than while actually climbing.
So my question – What rope should I buy?
Sorry if this was asked above – I’m too busy with my stone nudes calendar to actually read the posts.
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sgauss
Dec 22, 2006, 10:03 PM
Post #860 of 977
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Mr N00b!
I would like to be a l33t RC poster. I think it would be way cool! My question is, how do I get to 10,000 posts, and still have time to climb?
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subtle
Dec 23, 2006, 4:55 AM
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sgauss wrote: Mr N00b! I would like to be a l33t RC poster. I think it would be way cool! My question is, how do I get to 10,000 posts, and still have time to climb?
You know, I just recently went to the East Coast premiere of a pretty good climbing movie called Specimen by Chuck Fryberger. In it, a trad climber named Cedar embarks on a trancendental Rocklands VisionQuest to discover the true soul of bouldering and...hopefully...crank a mad dope V10 proj, yo. This is bush-league junior-varsity hokery compared to the monumental significance of your nigh-incomprehensible mission to break the five-digit post-count barrier. I am told that Josh Lowell pulled a five-person film crew out during Sharma's crux throw on La Rambla and has them Lear-jetting to your current location as we speak. They plan to document your epic siege ground-up, post-by-post, overlaid with an up-beat new age soundtrack interspersed with contemplative spiritual passages where you reflect on what posting means to you in obscure eastern metaphors. The emotional crux will be your moment of self-doubt on post 8763, when you don't know if you can push through the mouse-finger blisters and the crippling carpal tunnel to submit that answer to the guy who wanted to know which shoes to buy...the way you're going to look deep within yourself and gather strength as your posse yells "You know this, brah! Fight! Allez!" as your finger...slowly...imperceptibly...clicks...
[Post reply]
Allez. No...You rock. Homard.
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sactownclimber
Dec 23, 2006, 5:03 AM
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In reply to: As any trad climber worth the ham on their sammy will tell you . . . we're going to have to be better stewards of our environment . . . and, errrr, have children.
One of your finer moments, subtle . . . laughed out loud . . . loudly . . .
(This post was edited by sactownclimber on Dec 23, 2006, 5:05 AM)
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AngusBeefheart
Dec 24, 2006, 8:43 PM
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Dear Mr. n00b,
I am a trad climbing and also a marine biologist. As such, marine biologists are required to wear red watch caps to let the world know who they are. My problem is that often my watch cap gets mistaken for a red beanie and people think I'm a boulderer. How can I avoid this confusion while still being true to my life aquatic?
Also, can I replace my ham with grouper (the pork of the sea)?
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AngusBeefheart
Dec 25, 2006, 1:10 AM
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philbox wrote: At least I do know what Queensland Groper tastes like and it can't be too far from that taste.
The queensland groper sounds like some sort of sexual predator...
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subtle
Dec 27, 2006, 12:15 AM
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racer999 wrote: Hey Mr. Noob, I love climbing in the gym. Mostly because a) there isn’t so much dirt and b) there are lotsa chicks and I look good in underarmor. So I usually enter the gym with my climbing backpack, three pairs of shoes, and two chalk bags. And three harnesses, of course. Gear makes the man and all… Anyway, I see really good climbers with ropes so I figured chicks would dig me more if I had one too. I don’t go in for that leading or anything, it’s just that it seems a lot easier to talk to them when you are flaking the rope (over and over) than while actually climbing. So my question – What rope should I buy?
I once owned a climbing rope, believe it or not...so I'm reasonably familiar with the topic. Chicks...ummm...not so much.
Now, normally you'd just trot on down to Neptune's and get yourself 70M of the newest $398.99 bi-pattern 7.2mm reverse-weave, free-range cruelty-free hemp 'n spectra blend uber-floss...guaranteed to hold up to one fall, hypothetically, as long as you're emaciated, French...or hopefully both. Raaaaad, yo! Except that as soon as you unfurl it at the gym you'll be immediately surrounded by a group of spandex-clad sport-weenie guys ogling and petting it in some quasi-pornographic twine-envy ritual. Have you ever seen a woman elbow her way into a cluster of excessively vaccuum-packed dudes muttering "It's so silky" under their breath? You never will, broham...you never will.
Now after a prolonged period of lurking...ahhhhh...research...in The Ladies Room forum, I believe I may have the answer. It is...apparently...all about Girth, not Length. Sure, being long enough to never stop going is a plus...but if you're too soft to handle well and don't produce enough friction through her tube-style device...well...what girl would want to belay you?
Girth, bro. Stand out from the limp-noodle crowd by towing in a spool of 3" Battleship-grade steel cable mooring line. It'll hold about 4.5 million falls, and in a pinch you can slide down it like a firepole instead of downclimbing the route. Clip that bad boy into your 5 horsepower winch-style belay device and prepare to be swooned upon.
Allez. That was a rope thread...wasn't it? Homard.
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subtle
Dec 28, 2006, 3:01 AM
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AngusBeefheart wrote: Dear Mr. n00b, I am a trad climbing and also a marine biologist. As such, marine biologists are required to wear red watch caps to let the world know who they are. My problem is that often my watch cap gets mistaken for a red beanie and people think I'm a boulderer. How can I avoid this confusion while still being true to my life aquatic? Also, can I replace my ham with grouper (the pork of the sea)?
I imagine this didn't used to be a problem, no? You were free to roam the seas, jauntily flashing your scarlett noggin-coddler at the...ummm, kelp...and whatnot...as you searched for Dryland and tried to evade a poorly cast Marlboro-toting Dennis Hopper on a jet ski. Then, as is so often the case, Chris Sharma showed up and pretty much ruined everything. A couple of gnarly deep-water soloing videos...or psicobloc for you degenerate europhiles...and every dirty hippie with a drybag full of chalk and a pair of water wings was converging on any choss pile poking above the surf line. Flotillias of people you couldn't pay to bathe are dog-paddling against the current along every fijord, isthmus and jetty looking for the perfect line that's going to bag them fame, a tape sponsorship and...hopefully...a tow back to shore.
Oooooh, and here you come in your...yacht...they're going to hate you, brah. Even if you try your best to make way with no wake, you're still going to capsize a couple of dozen crashpad & nalgene pontoon rafts that were tenuously anchored at the base of the proj. You'd probably get flipped off a lot more, except they need both arms a-paddling to keep their heads above water.
So...in summary...unless you are also wringing a gallon of seawater out of your droodlocks while trying to repair the coral damage to your pool-floatie without the benefit of sponsor-provided tape...I don't think anyone is going to mistake you for a boulderer.
Until you step onto shore, that is.
Allez. Yarrrr! Thar he throws...the Great White Flail! Homard.
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marvinz
Jan 3, 2007, 8:34 AM
Post #868 of 977
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Sir
Can you please help a fellow scientician guide his patients through the obviously psychologically damaging cognitive dissonance created by this photo, so recklessly posted to rc.com?
Yours professionally
Dr. Crankenstein
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subtle
Jan 4, 2007, 1:35 AM
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marvinz wrote: Sir Can you please help a fellow scientician guide his patients through the obviously psychologically damaging cognitive dissonance created by this photo, so recklessly posted to rc.com? [image]http://www.rockclimbing.com/images/photos/assets/7/296657-largest_rock_kiss.jpg[/image] Yours professionally Dr. Crankenstein
Ironically enough, I know these people.
Well, I don't really know those specific people...but I know about a million zillion people just like them...and they follow me around everywhere. Generally, they show up just after I've finished my warm up, mid-way thorough my hour of zen mediation and finger tape application. They're nice enough folks, and they ask all sorts of funny questions about what I'm doing. I reply with all of the usual stock jokes. I tell them my crashpad is a Sex Futon...that always confuses them...and, umm, me too...but for different reasons. I show them why this particular boulder necessitates a yellow V10 on one foot and a red Dragon on the other. I explain why I'm using three different toothbrushes to clean the same big giant hold that looks like you could just...y'know...grab right onto it with no trouble at all. Then, as I focus my chi and journey to my Spirit Cave to visit my Power Animal, they sink into a respectful...possibly awed...silence as they contemplate the typhoon of pimp steezos I'm clearly about to unleash on this hardcore V1+ testpiece. A few spastic lunges and some pathetic whimperings later, and I'm back on the Sex Futon...errr...crashpad...cracking open my 6th Red Bull of the morning and pantomiming my way through my beta sequence to look for any potential flaws. Lock off on the gaston and release the bicycle...the feet cut...stab into a drop knee and...man, it shouldn't be this hard pulling off the ground.
Then, it happens. Mr. Tank Top wants to try.
I do my best not to crush his enthusiasm. I explain that climbing is difficult, and that he shouldn't feel too bad if he can't do it. I show him where to start and the general line of the problem, then prepare to do my best not to laugh. This isn't a problem, though, since he hikes the problem in his three year old blown-out New Balance lawn-mowing sneakers. Instead, I get to do my best not to cry as he yells down to Mrs. Tank Top "That was really fun! C'mon up, sweetie, you should see the view from up here!"
I don't have to draw you a picture...you've already seen the picture.
She hikes the problem. Then he downclimbs the problem and does it again, skipping a few of the big holds that make it 'too easy'. After her third or fourth lap up the proj, she mentions to him that they really should bring her Aunt out here, she thinks this climbing thing would really be good for her arthritis. And her bad hip.
After a few more eliminate burns and an accidental onsighting of a harder problem that veers off to the left, they regretfully announce that they have to go. They sure did appreciate me teaching them to be rock climbers. Before they go, though, could they ask one favor?
Would I mind taking a quick picture for them?
Allez. ARRRRRRRRRRRGH! Say Cheese! ARRRRRRRGH! Homard.
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marvinz
Jan 5, 2007, 9:02 AM
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Ahhhh .... very wise Obi nOOB Kenobi, but try to explain away this obomination ...
I'm afraid that even your highly advanced powers of rationalization may be no match for this. Next time I'll post something easier ... like Yeti or a flying saucer.
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subtle
Jan 8, 2007, 3:52 AM
Post #871 of 977
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marvinz wrote: Ahhhh .... very wise Obi nOOB Kenobi, but try to explain away this obomination ... [image]http://www.rockclimbing.com/images/photos/assets/6/281706-largest_1854.jpg[/image] I'm afraid that even your highly advanced powers of rationalization may be no match for this. Next time I'll post something easier ... like Yeti or a flying saucer.
I am not able or qualified to respond to this post. For those of you who have been following the ongoing Algonquin Roundtable of eye-gouging occuring in the Xtreme Pre-natal Care thread, it will be immediately obvious that I cannot respond to the picture of a woman's breast getting an over-attentive spot for the following reasons:
1. I have a Y chromosome. And a penis. This is a volatile combination in any case, but when combined with my dangerously low IQ and a computer keyboard...well...who knows where it could lead. Were it frequently leads is to about 15,000 page views and a reputation as Andrew Dice Clay's uncouth cro-mag inbred backwoods cousin. No thanks, brah.
2. I do not know if this photo was posted by the grabber or the grabee, and therefore do not know which faction to pander to in the photo comments section. Imagine my retroactive horror at posting up a "That's outrageous!" when a "Yeah, man!" was called for? Or vice-versa. I mean, I just want to be right, y'know...and by right, I mean on the winning team in the shout-off as early as possible.
3. I probably don't climb as hard as any of the people in the picture...or the people who will look at the picture...or, ummm, read this post...so my opinions on matters of people, pictures, posts and climbing are completely irrelevant. Some day I will actually pull off the ground, though, at which point I have a few things I want to get off my chest.
...just like that woman is probably thinking about that guy's hand.
Allez. That wasn't an answer. You can't pin me down! I said nothing! Homard.
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sgauss
Jan 9, 2007, 9:14 PM
Post #872 of 977
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Dear Mr. Noob,
After extensive lurking here at RC, I've hit upon my master strategery for learning to trad climbing. Unfortunately, I've run into a small problem. My trad Mentor seems unimpressed by my ham sandwiches. What should I do?
I'm using only brand-name ingredients, ie butternut bread and Oscar Meyer ham. Should I use two slices of ham? Maybe a little mayo? Help me!!!!
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hiyapokey
Jan 12, 2007, 8:22 PM
Post #873 of 977
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Holy smokes there's definetly not enough sport climbs in Red Rocks. I'm going out right now to buy a hammer drill and bolt up some of the "harder" cracks. Maybe then I can get some props as a developer!
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fancyclaps
Jan 12, 2007, 8:56 PM
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D3ar n00b,
As me and my homies were working the dyno on my sick V1 slab project, I realized I had a problem. As I sat there watching my friends try to pysche themselves up for that sick 2 foot dyno, I wasn't sure what to call them...
What is most appropriate: Bro, Bra, Broham, or Dude? Or should I just slam back a Redbull?
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subtle
Jan 15, 2007, 4:34 AM
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fancyclaps wrote: D3ar n00b, As me and my homies were working the dyno on my sick V1 slab project, I realized I had a problem. As I sat there watching my friends try to pysche themselves up for that sick 2 foot dyno, I wasn't sure what to call them... What is most appropriate: Bro, Bra, Broham, or Dude? Or should I just slam back a Redbull?
Goodness knows, many a hardcore proj send has been savagely derailed by some wanna-be posse member flubbing a crucial mid-crux encouragement yell. I mean, if you've got a burning desire to blurt out, "C'mon, Blue Hat Guy! Try harder! You can do it!"...well...you may as well grab them by the leg and pull them to the ground. It's pretty much the same thing. Ah, but what to do...
The appropriate thing to yell is highly dependant on your position in the social hierarchy of the climbing area. If you are new on the scene, I'd suggest the polite yet informal 'Man', 'Dude', or 'Bro'. The truly core boulderer is generally not afraid to also call a woman 'Man', 'Dude' or 'Bro'...but is generally afraid to look her in the eye or talk directly to her. As you are gradually accepted into the local scene...typically through the exchange of post-send fist bumps with your newfound dope homies...the time will come to drop the formality and take your place within the tribe. When will this be, you ask?
When you get your nickname.
Much like card players, frat boys, professional athletes and mafiosi, all boulderers have nicknames. They are generally massively unflattering and are designed to make the recipient laugh uncontrollably and fall off the problem they have spent six weeks working. Once you get yours, you can feel free to start blowing up people's redpoint burns with reckless abandon...just don't waste your time calling me 'Fatty McWeaksauce' as I desperately thrutch for the finish on the horrorshow Beginners & Birthday Parties Only V1-...
...'cause I was going to fall there anyway.
Allez. Really...I fall off everything. Homard.
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brent_e
Apr 2, 2007, 4:28 AM
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Dearest n00b,
What happened to you, man? It's been since january and we haven't heard from you. Are you sending some crazy project in some FOL (far off land)?? did you get taken up? did your mom take the lappy from you when she say all the porn you were watching?
let us know, man.
we're waiting!!! we miss you.
well.
i do.
Brent
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subtle
Apr 3, 2007, 12:38 AM
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brent_e wrote: Dearest n00b, What happened to you, man? It's been since january and we haven't heard from you. Are you sending some crazy project in some FOL (far off land)?? did you get taken up? did your mom take the lappy from you when she say all the porn you were watching?
Hmmmm...that's a good question...what have I been doing?
Well, in my apparently never-ending quest to break through the V1+ barrier, I've been forced to experiment with cutting-edge training methodologies rarely seen outside of Eastern Bloc countries or any movie involving cyborgs. Plyometrics...fascia planing...hypergravity interval training...cheating like crazy when nobody's looking...all to no avail. Then, my old climbing partner comes back from four months of living in a tent at the arctic circle, eating Skittles three meals a day and dodging polar bears and snow monkeys to pee in a coffee can without so much as a hangboard or DVD of Rampage to sustain her...and crushes a V7 personal best within fifteen minutes of getting off the plane...in, I dunno, baggage claim...or something. Anyway...it got me thinking.
For those of you with long memories or seriously heavy Ritalin prescriptions, you'll recall how Chris Sharma stunned the climbing world back in the day by winning his twenty-seventh consecutive Phoenix Bouldering Comp after taking two months off to meditate. Sick, yo. How about Dave Graham FA'ing Scarred for Life V14 after...and I'm seriously trying to type this without laughing...a lengthy layoff after a dishwashing accident.
Sharma. Graham. Woman fending off a tauntaun with a coffee can of frozen whizz. What do they have in common? Ummm...not a whole lot...but they can all climb harder than, me, that's for damn sure.
And just like that, Xtreme Hypersloth Relaxation Training was born.
I've spent the bulk of the last three months on the couch, pursuing a rigorous program of guided meditation, creative visualization, napping, and watching Battlestar Galactica DVDs. I cross-train by watching OLN. I'm pretty sure I've slothed my way up to V2-, but I figure I'll stay here and marinate a bit longer, just the be sure.
All this typing is tiring me out. Nap time.
Allez. Still answering posts, slowly, during commercials. Homard.
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brent_e
Apr 4, 2007, 6:31 PM
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well, subtle,
i must congratulate you on leaping to the V2- barrier. But, i must use a quote of your own and say, "grades are in your head, and your guidebook...get a sharpie and climb V13."
enjoy the burritos, brother.
Brent
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jh_angel
Apr 4, 2007, 6:51 PM
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Battlestar is always a good choice. When you run out of those I suggest using Farscape for training. It may be old, but it's still a good one. I personally just finished a 24 binge, seasons 1-5 in under 2 months (I still went to work, that's why it took so long). Think that would have halped or do I need to do even less. Thanks.
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knieveltech
Apr 4, 2007, 7:15 PM
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jh_angel wrote: Battlestar is always a good choice. When you run out of those I suggest using Farscape for training. It may be old, but it's still a good one. I personally just finished a 24 binge, seasons 1-5 in under 2 months (I still went to work, that's why it took so long). Think that would have halped or do I need to do even less. Thanks.
Don't forget Lexx. Great for building...er...crimp strength.
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hiyapokey
Apr 5, 2007, 4:45 PM
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I used the super sloth to train for my beginning climbing class with the AMC. I have to report that it was not effective for me :(. Can you beleive I actually degraded to Vb. Although I did climb a V1- at the Circuit in Portland. Of course I only assume it was a V1- since I couldn't send any of the other V1s in the joint. I rock (holding up the three pronged "rocken" hand sign).
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sungam
Apr 6, 2007, 2:38 PM
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n00b... you've gotta help me...
I've got a bit of a... personal problem.
I know you will set everything straight though...
Basically the storey goes thus:
I'm pimpin thru tha Fubar, the hottest club in stirling, trying to pull. I made sure to wear my "UBER CORE SICK HARD CLIMBER" shirt, but just to be extra hot I also wore my harness with my full rack (my atc and BOTH of my toy biners!). The problem was, I never got any chicks!
Is there a problem with the world's internal core spin like in that movie, making the girls uninterested in hotness?
You gotta help me sonlve this problem and get the chicks like Sharma, bro.
I know you'll help.
Allez, oh jedi master.
-Magnus
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robbovius
Apr 6, 2007, 2:45 PM
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knieveltech wrote: jh_angel wrote: Battlestar is always a good choice. When you run out of those I suggest using Farscape for training. It may be old, but it's still a good one. I personally just finished a 24 binge, seasons 1-5 in under 2 months (I still went to work, that's why it took so long). Think that would have halped or do I need to do even less. Thanks. Don't forget Lexx. Great for building...er...crimp strength.
dude, that uber sick campus board in ur avatar pic is truly CORE.
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plund
Apr 6, 2007, 3:12 PM
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n00b....it's obvious you've taken to heart the tenets of "The Couch-Warrior's Way"; my burning question is....what is your view of the role of bacon in training? Is there such a thing as "too much"?
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drector
Apr 7, 2007, 12:00 AM
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N00b,
Do you have any response to the continuing thread that suggests you be culled? I would expect that as a warm-blooded creature, being culled would be uncomfortable. If you used a jacket and a few blankets, could you easily keep from being culled or do you need to also light a fire?
Dave
(This post was edited by drector on Apr 7, 2007, 12:10 AM)
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subtle
Apr 10, 2007, 1:55 AM
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drector wrote: N00b, Do you have any response to the continuing thread that suggests you be culled?
I do apologize for the delay in responding. This post has been painstakingly morse code text-messaged through a dead-drop 26k dial-up AOL account run by a shady CIA front company in Lagos, having been transcribed from individual non-consective sheets of easily chewable toilet paper carried by my loyal minions down hundreds of miles of broken trail from my secret underground bunker near Tora Borat...as far as you know...if you were planning on culling me, that is. Definately not at my parent's house. Certainly not on the couch in front of the TV.
As the Dodo bird of the climbing world, it's kind of my duty to stay alive to perpetuate the species...yeah, right...and, ummm, so people have someone to feel sorry for. Unlike the actual dodo bird, I have adopted protective camouflage to seamlessly blend in with my percieved stereotypical internet climbing bretheren. I have procured a quantity of ham sandwiches and a half-empty jug of warm beer...or urine...ummm, could be either...which I tote around in a manky rope bag filled with dog-earred back issues of The Alpinist and a set of un-washed capilene long johns. I make vague references to 'my rack' and 'my van', as well as 'Yos' and 'Josh'...whoever those guys are. My imaginary van has a fictional bumper sticker that says 'Sport climbing is Neither', and I frequently drive it past the houses of boulderers who have to wait 'till their mom takes them to the gym, and sneer. I refuse to acknowledge the existence of any grade harder than 5.11, any angle steeper than dead vertical, and any climb not put up by Roy L. Robbins or his girlfriend Yvonne Chouinard. I believe when in doubt, you run it out...that bouldering is poor practice for real climbing...and that any more than one other person at the crag is massive overcrowding and heralds the imminent encroachment of Big Brother and the Militiary Industrial complex, who will pave over my mega-classic 5.8- slab project and turn the whole area into a Wal-Mart.
A Wal-Mart with an indoor climbing wall, I secretly hope...and...a soda machine.
Allez. Yeah, so, this is Ask the Core HardMan, right? Right! Homard.
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sky7high
Apr 25, 2007, 1:07 AM
Post #887 of 977
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Dear n00b:
So, I was looking at the people that go to the gym, and a question popped into my head: What happens if the different types of climbers, got together and had kids? For example, what happens if an ice climber has a kid with a boulderer? (like that's ever going to happen) or a traddie with a sporto? or prehaps the green-rental-shoe-wearing n00b with an aid climber?
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knieveltech
Apr 25, 2007, 4:48 AM
Post #888 of 977
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Dear Noob,
It's been mentioned countless times yet nobody has asked the obvious question: why ARE rental shoes all green anyway?
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subtle
Apr 25, 2007, 2:57 PM
Post #889 of 977
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knieveltech wrote: Dear Noob, It's been mentioned countless times yet nobody has asked the obvious question: why ARE rental shoes all green anyway?
As a matter of fact, they aren't all green. The new dopness in gym beaters is dark brown, though various shades of green still predominate. The purported reason is that green or brown shoes are so ugly that nobody would want to steal them. This would be much more valid if the hypothetical thieves weren't currently wearing rolled up purple man-knickers to show off their left yellow and red Testarossa and right green and black Predator...yeah...like this guy is worried that something he's wearing might clash. Y'know...he could look silly.
Allez. Does this beanie make my head look fat? Homard.
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SamScott
Apr 30, 2007, 3:13 PM
Post #891 of 977
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She knows the reply to her question allready and is just wanting an excuse to vent her anger or its her way of saying she likes it ruff.
When I climb I get thirst but my water bottle is at the bottom and im half way up the crag. What do I do?
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subtle
May 1, 2007, 2:29 AM
Post #892 of 977
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sky7high wrote: So, I was looking at the people that go to the gym, and a question popped into my head: What happens if the different types of climbers, got together and had kids? For example, what happens if an ice climber has a kid with a boulderer? (like that's ever going to happen) or a traddie with a sporto? or prehaps the green-rental-shoe-wearing n00b with an aid climber?
Honestly, people...am I seriously the only one awake at 3:30am watching The Island of Doctor Moreau on some sketchy Azerbaijani pay-per-view channel?!? If legions of testy non-Broadway musical cat-people have taught us anything...and I like to think they have...it's that some things were absolutely, positively not meant to be cross-pollinated.
Each species of climber has evolved over thousands of years to be in complete harmony with it's ecosystem, existing in perfect symbiosis with the other flora and fauna. Trad climbers, for example, require many large holds that are spaced close together, reducing the total number of organisms a particular crag can host. For this reason they tend to exist in small, van-sized prides that follow a migratory path of free camping and all-night bulk beer and hot dog vendors. Sport climbers, on the other hand, thrive in larger groups and rely on extravagant coloration and flamboyant emotional displays to define their place in the social hierarchy. If isolated from the colony, a sport climber will become confused and depressed, but can be kept in captivity indefinitely if given a mirror and a prAna catalog. Boulderers are by far the most parasitic climbing phylum, unable to exist without a host climbing gym, a weekly allowance and a nutrient-rich medium like Red Bull or a 64oz Turbo Slurpee. A bouldering infestation overcomes problems with sheer swarming numbers and, once infected, an area can only be cleansed with fire or large quantities of alcohol...which is why trad climbers are never without either.
There is precious little documented evidence of inter-species breeding. I mean...c'mon...would you admit you'd mated with a boulderer? Our best clues to date are found in the wildlife films of world-renowned naturalist Josh Lowell...where hairy orangutan-like creatures scamper up rock features that clearly no human being could ever attempt. There is some skepticism in the scientific community, though, given the recently de-bunked hoax of the Loch Ness Climber, who allegedly could send 5.14+ sport, V13 and 5.14c trad.
Yeah, like that's possible...
Allez. X-File #E11. Homard.
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sky7high
May 14, 2007, 3:27 AM
Post #893 of 977
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Dear n00b:
WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THIS:
http://www.indoorclimbing.com/cyberclimber/
Just when you thought gym rats couldn't go any further
Is this just my imagination, or is the climbing world falling down? Wait, I gotta go to my 34 pitch 5.4 jug haul, to check if its still there... with no bolts... or gym holds...
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mangiacapra
May 19, 2007, 6:25 PM
Post #894 of 977
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Ok first off that game is leet as hell. Well, not really, but atleast someone tried to make a climbing game.
So my question is this, Mr Noob:
I'm a dirty boulderer. I live by the code, I live off ham sandy's and Red Bull's. Now I've seen in previous posts that it's SOMETIMES alright to bend the rules on the ham sandy, replacing the ham with something else, various types of bread, etc... but lately I've noticed many a young climber sipping ALTERNATE energy drinks (i.e. Monster, Rockstar, etc...) between sends of rad V2 proj's. Is this acceptable? Granted, some of these new drinks are slightly cheaper... but common, dude, some loyalty to the brand that's been there for us for years would be nice, right? Will all boulderers be required to switch to newer, hipper energy drinks? I don't think I'm ready for that.
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subtle
Jul 6, 2007, 9:37 PM
Post #895 of 977
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Well, this is really in response to the 567,832 threads in the front page of the General forum that are examining...in full-on Lincoln/Douglass/Kasparov/Deep Thought at the Algonquin Roundtable at Camp David level of philosophical discourse...The Noob Issue. The frightful din of all the trolling and reverse-trolling was enough to wake me from my Noobish slumber on the couch at my parent's place...where I was supposed to lie in a dreamlike state 'till a kiss from a rad climber girl would awaken me...so, ummm...I was probably going to be there for eternity. Anyway, I'm back, and instead of replying to all 567,832 threads I'll just clear this up so you can all get back to arguing about shoes and the relevance of grading gym routes.
So, here's why everybody hates NOOBs:
1. We have nicer climbing stuff than you do, and chances are our parents bought it for us. Or we're heavily sponsored because we compete in the World Series of Speed Top-Roping, which is on ESPN 8 - The Ocho.
2. We don't know anything about anything, and still climb harder than you do. Technique is for the weak, brah. Cheer up Oldy McFatty, we are secretly depressed that there is a place where people know way less and climb way harder than us...it's called Colorado.
3. We do not respect anything that came before us, and since we just got here, that doesn't leave room for much. Mostly, Chris Sharma.
4. Some of us are way too stupid to live, but tragically also too stupid to die. If we thought about stuff, we'd find that pretty darn freaky. Fortunately, we do not.
5. There are way, way too many of us. Seriously, have you seen the lines to get on the warm-up V8 at the gym?
And as the Notorious B.I.G. would say...if you don't know, now you know.
Allez. How long was I asleep, anyway? What year is this? Homard.
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brizza
Jul 6, 2007, 10:16 PM
Post #896 of 977
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God that game sucks. I cant get anywhere. It keeps telling me my feet are in the wrong place or I cant shift my weight that way. I must be a shitty climber. Im going to quit climbing. I hate that game.
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karmiclimber
Jul 9, 2007, 6:47 PM
Post #897 of 977
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subtle
Jul 10, 2007, 12:27 AM
Post #898 of 977
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karmiclimber wrote: Dear Noob, I'm sort of confused by the term "dirt barbie". Does it mean hot girl poser who merely struts around the gym in her brand new prana wear and who only eats fat free cliff bars, diet frappochino's and raisins or naturally hot chick who can send? I'm sort of in the middle (I wear the prana gear, but I will WAIT in line for that v8 warmup), so I'd kind of like to pick a direction and go with it, really either way is fine...I just, you know, want to be a dirt barbie, since that IS what the hygenically questionable boulderers think about whilst fiddling with their "pitons" before drifting off to sleep, right?
According to my illegally downloaded pre-publication copy of Mountaineering - Freedom of the Hills in the Deathly Hallows, a Dirt Barbie (noun, est. 2003) is a bold Trad climbing woman who likes to FA 5.3 routes and will return unsolicited PMs from dirtineye, at least 'till she learns better. The true Dirt Barbie feasts equally on sketchy run-out off-widths and manky day-old ham sandies from the bottom of the haul bag. She's never owned makeup and thinks sun-screen is vaguely funny, but is continually re-adjusting the bandanna around her dreadlocks that she borrowed from her dog, who's clearly named either Royal or Layton and has a little broken-off cam lobe for a tag. She gets a rash if she is indoors for more than 24 hours or brushes up against a plastic hold...and if you accidentally booty-spot her, she will punch you so hard you'll cry.
The Dirt Barbie generally has a love/hate relationship with bouldering. Little bouldering boys love her and she hates...hates...boulderers. Boo-hoo.
You are a little off the mark, though. While it is true that swarms of shirtless gym-chimps will stampede toward any woman in rental shoes and overly tight Abercrombie-wear...goodness knows I've been nearly trampled a couple of times...that's just a fleeting obsession. As soon as she giggles at him obsessively toothbrushing a foot chip on the proj, the honeymoon's over...so five minutes, tops, basically.
Nah, sis, bouldering boys are attracted to strength...and though it may seem odd given the concomitant increase in muscle mass and decrease in bodyfat...the stronger you are, the hotter you are. This bizarre phenomenon has recently been exacerbated to a ridiculous extent by a newly-emerging group of female climbers who are both very strong and very good looking. Gyms from coast to coast are quaking in fear that Angie Payne and Thomasina Pigeon show up simultaneously for a little V10+ projecting sesh. I'm not sure exactly what will happen, but it's fairly likely that the resultant sexual tension would far exceed the 1.21 gigawatts necessary to activate the flux capacitor and send the whole gym back to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in 1955...
Yo, McFly, I got your spot! Send, daddy-o!
Allez. I wonder if my dad, Subtle Senior, is as cool as he says he was... Homard.
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zionvier
Jul 10, 2007, 11:04 PM
Post #899 of 977
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I'm glad to see "Ask the n00b" has returned to the forefront. But I do have a question for you, why do I need to learn to tie a figure 8? I've been tieing bow knots in my shoelaces for years and I feel very confident with my ability to tie them correctly. Isn't it better to stick with the knots you know so that you don't make a mistake with a new knot you just learned? I don't want to get hurt and I figure accidentally tieing a figure 8 wrong could get me killed, so why not just stick with what I'm comfortable with?
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Valarc
Jul 10, 2007, 11:18 PM
Post #900 of 977
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subtle wrote: I'm not sure exactly what will happen, but it's fairly likely that the resultant sexual tension would far exceed the 1.21 gigawatts necessary to activate the flux capacitor and send the whole gym back to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance in 1955... Yo, McFly, I got your spot! Send, daddy-o!
The entire post was pure gold, but this snippet is quite possibly the best thing I have ever read. Bravo.
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subtle
Jul 17, 2007, 1:31 AM
Post #901 of 977
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zionvier wrote: I'm glad to see "Ask the n00b" has returned to the forefront. But I do have a question for you, why do I need to learn to tie a figure 8? I've been tieing bow knots in my shoelaces for years and I feel very confident with my ability to tie them correctly. Isn't it better to stick with the knots you know so that you don't make a mistake with a new knot you just learned? I don't want to get hurt and I figure accidentally tieing a figure 8 wrong could get me killed, so why not just stick with what I'm comfortable with?
I used to climb with a guy named Sean. He was a sick strong boulderer, but could occasionally be pursuaded to don a man-diaper and ropegun some Rumney 5.12 ish, especially if it involved a dyno or it looked like the sort of thing Dave Graham would have climbed when he was...eight...or something. Anyhow, Sean was not terribly precise about his pre-climbing preparations. One day, I asked him about the bird's nest of uber-tangle hanging off the front of his harness, and he looked me in the eye and said..."If you can't tie a knot, tie a lot".
Word, broham.
I mean, let's face the facts here. All that check-and-double-check stuff that they teach you in the $24.99 belay test and day pass combo at Xtreme Rock N' Birthday Party down by the mall lasts about six seconds in the real world. It's war out there, brother. You thought Vietnam was bad when you..ummm...saw Platoon on TV? Charlie Sheen never had to deal with maybe short-roping a hypercaffinated testy leader on a 5.12x in the pouring rain from a crap stance while deciding which direction to jump into a ditch to try to keep your jimmy-legging partner from decking out because it seriously doesn't look like they're going to make that move...but at least when you land in the ditch you will squash some of the mosquitos covering 95% of your body, just hopefully not on some talus or a mound of fossilized dog poo. And at this exact moment, I achieve a state of zen-like calm and ascend into a warm place of enlightenment because I know that I have checked my climber's knot...and everything is going to be just fine.
...and people ask me why I don't sport climb any more. Oh, I don't know...no reason...
But, getting back to your question, the un-doubled shoelace-style friction slip knot seems perfectly appropriate for technical climbing applications. I mean, when was the last time your shoes ever came untied? It's been...sheesh, hours...right? If you're some sort of weak-kneed safety-a-holic, you can throw on a double knot or, better yet, get some of those plastic lace-grabby thingies that all the cool kids in chess club use. I scratched off the picture of Kermit the Frog and wrote Sharma4lyfe in white-out on mine...that's pretty cool, yo. The lace-style friction knot is also rumored to be the preferred method of gumb-to-twine attachment in the Shannon Foot Belay Way...a rogue offshoot of the mega-core Brake Hand Positioning and Orientation Relative to Belay Device forum.
Whichever knot solution you end up with, I'm sure it'll all work out ok. I mean, you totally weren't going to fall, anyway...right?
Allez. I use a 120M rope...it takes a lot of twine to tie a figure 888. Homard.
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Vigilium
Jul 26, 2007, 10:20 AM
Post #902 of 977
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Subtle, you are the new guru and I'm now your first Brit Disciple. Tell me, oh wise one, I've been rumbled here in the mother country as a fraud who can't even climb the stairs let alone a V0-. Perhaps I could cut the mustard in the great US of A. Should I emigrate?
Yours with love and kisses
John H
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reno
Jul 26, 2007, 2:22 PM
Post #903 of 977
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Great Exalted n00by One, He Who Shall Be Called n00b, Lord of all that is n00b:
I beseech thee your divine wisdom and guidance.
For several years now, I have sucked. Not "I suck" in the self-deprecating sense, as one says when calling "Take" on the latest 5.22r/x proj, but I truly suck. I am an equal opportunity faller, and have been known to slip on 2nd class approach hikes.
Lately, I've been using the old "Hey, I've got a herniated disc in my neck.... cut me a bit of slack, eh?" excuse. I even had pictures of the MRI as proof. Yet I can no longer use that excuse, since surgery was 6 weeks ago.
Please, Master Noobster, I need a new excuse for my suckitude. As I don't buy into all that new-age mumbo-jumbo, I can't use "Planetary alignment is off", nor can I blame my shoes (what are the best shoes for one who does suck, anyway?)
I look forward to your reply, and offer my thanks.
P.S. I left some chocolate chip cookies on the table, as a sacrificial gift.
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justafurnaceman
Jul 27, 2007, 12:36 AM
Post #904 of 977
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Posts: 286
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Dear nOOb,
I have posted a couple of times and you have ALWAYS given me such great advice that here in my time of need I turn to you.
Since last time I posted I have joined the Army and I haven't been able to get out and climb as much as I want to. We're always training or marching or standing in formation. Sometimes that's what we do ALL day. I feel that I don't get anything accomplished, it's like I'm a federal employee or something. By the time we get done at the end of the day I'm so tired and worn out from not doing anything that all I do is go home, have a ham sandwich and then if I do ANY climbing it's when I climb into bed and go to sleep.
Now I'm go into my question. In the Army have vehicles called HUMVEE and they are amazing. They can drive through anything and over anything. Just yesterday I was out doing maneuvers and I ended up driving over a rock and come to find out it was someones V20 bouldering problem. I said well hey, I was driving so I should be able to count the send as mine and post it up in my Routes Climbed here on rc.com. My friends say that it doesn't count because the HUMVEE did the work and since the only thing that I have sended was a V1/2 that I should only get part of the credit. I still say that I should get the credit because I was the driver.
Who's correct? Should I get full credit or only partial credit?
Awaiting your answer, Justafurnaceman.
P.S. should i get credit for CLIMBING into bed? What type of scale do I use?
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knieveltech
Jul 27, 2007, 5:32 PM
Post #905 of 977
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Dear The Noob,
The following was recently posted to one of the forums on RC.com. Being a trad n00be myself (and ocassionally prone to incontinence) I was hoping you'd field this one"
In reply to: So my friend took me out the other day to learn how to climb a route traditionally. He instructed me on all the gear, how and when to extend, building anchors; the whole thing. After following him for a couple routes and learning to clean it was my time for the sharp end. I did ok for the first 15 feet; I placed a couple cams, one of which I thought was good. The two nuts I put in were “bomber”, the hexes not so much. So there I am 15 feet up, but it’s taken me a good 20 minutes to get all that gear in so my hands are really started to get “pumped”. My friend is down there yelling at me to “run it out a bit”, but I’m worried about how much longer I can keep this up. I tried, I really did, but I wasn’t more than two feet above my gear when my knees started shaking terribly. I persevered for another foot an a half, but started getting very frightened. I mean scared, really scared. I looked desperately for a bolt to clip, but I couldn’t find one anywhere. That’s when I lost it. I pissed my pants. I mean, I really soaked ‘em bad, enough to the point where my harness was more or less saturated. After doing some online research I started wondering if my harness is ok, I’ve seen some mixed opinions on the matter. What do you think, is it ok to still use the harness? I think there might have been some minor spotting in the back too. |
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subtle
Jul 28, 2007, 12:36 AM
Post #906 of 977
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Vigilium wrote: Subtle, you are the new guru and I'm now your first Brit Disciple. Tell me, oh wise one, I've been rumbled here in the mother country as a fraud who can't even climb the stairs let alone a V0-. Perhaps I could cut the mustard in the great US of A. Should I emigrate?
I'm not sure if you should come to America or not, but you should definately get the hell out of England, that's for damn sure. Based on my exhaustive research...consisting primarily of late night TV, Moonclimbing.com, E11, Trainspotting and 28 Days Later...England is entirely populated by V14 boulderers, unemployed heroin addicts, flesh eating zombies and...Benny Hill. Worse yet, unless you happen to get lucky and catch the distinctive theme music and slapstick comedy, you totally aren't going to be able to tell if the sallow emaciated wraith that just appeared behind you wants some smack, a spot, or your tasty, tasty brain.
There is one thing, though, broham. Just in case you haven't been frantically hitting the refresh button on the news section of 8a.nu all summer...ummm, yeah, ike anybody does that...you should know that you'd be about the 184,383rd Briton, Scotsman or assorted Limey Highlander to hit up les blocs stateside this year. Though you'd now have no trouble finding a nice cup of tea and biscuits in downtown El Paso, this does make it highly likely that your first day in Hueco will be spent dodging annoying 5th year gits from your potions class at Hogwarts as you look for something...anything...you can pull off the ground on.
Allez. Wingardium Leviosa for the send, yo. Homard.
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zeke_sf
Jul 28, 2007, 2:34 AM
Post #907 of 977
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Dear nOOb,
I've reached the dreaded plateau. I've summited the mighty 5.4 that the Gunks Mafia so highly esteems. I've pulled mightily and huffed my way up those 5.5 Alpine descent routes we all hear high lore and tall tales about. 5.6? It took some kinda of voodoo witch doctor and a kilo of Peruvian marching powder, but, oh yes, I have tasted the sweet flavor of that sendage. Now, I have been on a strict regimen of ham sandos, I wear my beanie way low, and--I'm not ashamed to admit it--I pay a salty tribute to my Chris Sharma poster every night. So, would it be way out of line for an obvious hardman such as myself to so much as dream of sullying the robes of the esteemed 5.7+? That's right, "+." Old Skool ratings. I mean, old skool, that's like, impossible type gradings, I know, but my buddy Art (owner of many a fine, I think the term is, "whip" [sp?] at that grade) says he thinks I've got what it takes. So, what drugs do I need to take, what type of pork do I need to eat, and how tight do my shoes/and or shorts need to be before I can expect to step on the hands of my elders? I gotta be honest. I want to fuck those dudes up, teh n00b, like, really rub their vein-popped noses in my hardman excrement and finally put their cries of "hexes," "three-point anchor," and "safety" to rest. What does a guy need to do?
Yours in sweet, sweet sendage,
Zeke
(This post was edited by zeke_sf on Jul 28, 2007, 6:09 AM)
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subtle
Jul 30, 2007, 1:31 AM
Post #908 of 977
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reno wrote: For several years now, I have sucked. Not "I suck" in the self-deprecating sense, as one says when calling "Take" on the latest 5.22r/x proj, but I truly suck. I am an equal opportunity faller, and have been known to slip on 2nd class approach hikes. Lately, I've been using the old "Hey, I've got a herniated disc in my neck.... cut me a bit of slack, eh?" excuse. I even had pictures of the MRI as proof. Yet I can no longer use that excuse, since surgery was 6 weeks ago. Please, Master Noobster, I need a new excuse for my suckitude. As I don't buy into all that new-age mumbo-jumbo, I can't use "Planetary alignment is off", nor can I blame my shoes (what are the best shoes for one who does suck, anyway?) I look forward to your reply, and offer my thanks. P.S. I left some chocolate chip cookies on the table, as a sacrificial gift.
I'm surprised you didn't figure this one out for yourself, since the answer is right under your nose...errrr...right under your name, I should have said.
You're a Moderator.
Allow me to explain. For those of you who didn't know, I was once also a Moderator...or a Santa's Little Helper...one or the other, I can't remember which. Regardless of official title, I had two jobs...monitor the Beginners forum for shoe questions and illegally posted Danish Fetish Pr0n and to keep current on the Mods & Eds forum, where we would talk about current moderating and editing issues in excruciating detail and work on The Plan...oops, shouldn't have mentioned The Plan...ummmm, anyway. What I'm trying to say, in kinda longhand fashion, was up until someone got me fired with the now-infamous Thrutching Tulip Tarts photo...thanks for that, by the way, whoever you were...I used to know stuff. Secret stuff. One of the things that I know that isn't a secret is that absolutely nobody has any idea how much stinking work being a moderator is, or what that work consists of.
This is your secret weapon.
Late to the crag? Man, I was up all night moderating, sorry bros. Forgot the cams at home? Dude, I was totally moderating something with the #3, and before I knew it, the whole rack was in there...I sure hope it holds, or the site is screwed. Can't pull off the ground on the posse's standard warm up? Man, I think I might have pulled my A2 moderating this savage troll in The Ladies Room...maybe I'd better ice it down...I think there's some in the cooler, under the beer.
I mean, what can they say? For all they know you're some sort of carpal-tunnel-having super hero...like The Punisher, but with one of those poofy foam wrist-rests and an ergonomic mouse. You pretty much have the benefit of the doubt in all climbing-related situations until the end of time...until I tell them all about The Plan, that is.
Better keep those cookies coming...or else.
Allez. Ummm...just curious...has SkyNet become self-aware yet? Homard.
(This post was edited by subtle on Jul 30, 2007, 1:33 AM)
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Vigilium
Jul 30, 2007, 11:28 AM
Post #909 of 977
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subtle wrote: Vigilium wrote: Subtle, you are the new guru and I'm now your first Brit Disciple. Tell me, oh wise one, I've been rumbled here in the mother country as a fraud who can't even climb the stairs let alone a V0-. Perhaps I could cut the mustard in the great US of A. Should I emigrate? I'm not sure if you should come to America or not, but you should definately get the hell out of England, that's for damn sure. Based on my exhaustive research...consisting primarily of late night TV, Moonclimbing.com, E11, Trainspotting and 28 Days Later...England is entirely populated by V14 boulderers, unemployed heroin addicts, flesh eating zombies and...Benny Hill. Worse yet, unless you happen to get lucky and catch the distinctive theme music and slapstick comedy, you totally aren't going to be able to tell if the sallow emaciated wraith that just appeared behind you wants some smack, a spot, or your tasty, tasty brain. There is one thing, though, broham. Just in case you haven't been frantically hitting the refresh button on the news section of 8a.nu all summer...ummm, yeah, ike anybody does that...you should know that you'd be about the 184,383rd Briton, Scotsman or assorted Limey Highlander to hit up les blocs stateside this year. Though you'd now have no trouble finding a nice cup of tea and biscuits in downtown El Paso, this does make it highly likely that your first day in Hueco will be spent dodging annoying 5th year gits from your potions class at Hogwarts as you look for something... anything...you can pull off the ground on. Allez. Wingardium Leviosa for the send, yo. Homard.
Damn, and I thought the skinny looking dudes hanging round my back door were feral boulderers searching through the garbage for a nutritious meal. Hell, one of them just turned my cat into a kebab! I reckon they're taking over and however many I smack round the back of the head with a baseball bat, there seems to be another hundred of the be-beanied scumbags just waiting to suck my brains out with a straw. Help Noob!
Harry 'jh' Potter
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EricVT
Jul 31, 2007, 1:35 AM
Post #910 of 977
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Dear teh n00b,
Having been a long time lurker of this thread, it is my time to step in and seek knowledge from the... all knowing? Ahem....
....
Sorry, had to ask my mom to bring me some more wonder bread for my ham sammich. Anyway, back to business..
..
I recently sent my lifetime, or so I thought, V0- proj yesterday -- Jugalicious. On my 2nd move, 2 moves from the top I caught some nasty wind resistance, whipped off my shirt and kept the locks at ease with my stylie prana beanie. So then, after I sent the goddamn thing, pumped as hell, this broham out of left field steps in and blows up my spot and tells me to get the hell off the problem and go shove a #5, well you know where. Stunned, I noticed a piece of ham on the double stacked crashpad below me. (For extra steeze, my proj really was a V0+, i mean downing a ham sammich at the crux and all is no easy feat by any measure. )
now I know ham and this bouldering thing apparently don't go so well together. i love ham but the $2.48 that i scrapped from under moms couch isn't going to cut it for any pro -- anyway i'd rather save it for this rad crashpad for when i take on V1- a few years from now. how can i keep my love for ham a secret? am i really a traddie?
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subtle
Aug 3, 2007, 11:15 PM
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justafurnaceman wrote: Dear nOOb, I have posted a couple of times and you have ALWAYS given me such great advice that here in my time of need I turn to you. Since last time I posted I have joined the Army and I haven't been able to get out and climb as much as I want to. We're always training or marching or standing in formation. Sometimes that's what we do ALL day. I feel that I don't get anything accomplished, it's like I'm a federal employee or something. By the time we get done at the end of the day I'm so tired and worn out from not doing anything that all I do is go home, have a ham sandwich and then if I do ANY climbing it's when I climb into bed and go to sleep. Now I'm go into my question. In the Army have vehicles called HUMVEE and they are amazing. They can drive through anything and over anything. Just yesterday I was out doing maneuvers and I ended up driving over a rock and come to find out it was someones V20 bouldering problem. I said well hey, I was driving so I should be able to count the send as mine and post it up in my Routes Climbed here on rc.com. My friends say that it doesn't count because the HUMVEE did the work and since the only thing that I have sended was a V1/2 that I should only get part of the credit. I still say that I should get the credit because I was the driver. Who's correct? Should I get full credit or only partial credit? Awaiting your answer, Justafurnaceman. P.S. should i get credit for CLIMBING into bed? What type of scale do I use?
Sorry for the slow reply, but I've been in near-constant meetings with the Ask the NOOB legal team searching back issues of Suburban Climberrrz for some sort of historical precedent and coming up with...nothing much but an amazement for their collection of gratuitous down-the-shirt shots as seen in the ever-present 128 page photo uber-montage. Seriously, does that magazine even have words in it? Oh, BTW, you owe us $39,654.00 in billable hours and associated expenses...mostly Red Bull and turbo slurpees, but if I can somehow pre-order a copy of King Lines on your tab, watch out.
Anyhow, in the absence of any clear legal precedent, the obvious course of action is to...just make some ish up. Let's keep this in perspective, broham...we're talking about Climbing Ethics, here, right? They're kinda...ahem...user defined at most times. Without even thinking hard, I can recall World Famous Rockstar(s) who've drilled extra pockets on routes then sent and downgraded them, climbed features that were clearly protected natural resources by the local land manager, and claimed a cutting edge never-seen-it-before onsight of a route they just finished belaying. But, I totally couldn't get any beta on the moves while I was belaying, you see...I was distracted...my drill kept falling out of my pocket onto the Climbing Prohibited - National Park sign I was sitting on...
So, we can play this one of two ways. You were either testing a new line of sticky rubber climbing shoes that might maybe sort of resemble a large armored SUV when you happened to pull a crux move 18 grades harder than your previous best send. Hey, you got some killer temps...the friction was rad...uhhhh, yeah. Since even I find that absurd...and I just wrote it...I'd go with...
You sent the rig clean, with just one point of aid from your #1 Humvee, which fortunately you thought to bring. It goes at V20, A7. By establishing both a new standard in bouldering, aid-bouldering and creative pseudo-send fluffery, you will be the hero of every under-sponsored choss monkey with $4.99 to read about your exploits in small type between pages 122 and 123 of the Hardcore Hotties of Hueco montage.
Allez. What's on page #124? Homard.
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knieveltech
Aug 21, 2007, 3:18 AM
Post #912 of 977
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In reply to: Without even thinking hard, I can recall World Famous Rockstar(s) who've drilled extra pockets on routes then sent and downgraded them, climbed features that were clearly protected natural resources by the local land manager, and claimed a cutting edge never-seen-it-before onsight of a route they just finished belaying. But, I totally couldn't get any beta on the moves while I was belaying, you see...I was distracted...my drill kept falling out of my pocket onto the Climbing Prohibited - National Park sign I was sitting on...
OMFG hahahahaha
Edited to add: it's a travesty that this thread ends up off the front page, this should be converted to a permanent site feature, like gear reviews and articles.
(This post was edited by knieveltech on Aug 21, 2007, 3:20 AM)
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subtle
Sep 1, 2007, 1:18 AM
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zeke_sf wrote: Dear nOOb, I've reached the dreaded plateau. I've summited the mighty 5.4 that the Gunks Mafia so highly esteems. I've pulled mightily and huffed my way up those 5.5 Alpine descent routes we all hear high lore and tall tales about. 5.6? It took some kinda of voodoo witch doctor and a kilo of Peruvian marching powder, but, oh yes, I have tasted the sweet flavor of that sendage. Now, I have been on a strict regimen of ham sandos, I wear my beanie way low, and--I'm not ashamed to admit it--I pay a salty tribute to my Chris Sharma poster every night. So, would it be way out of line for an obvious hardman such as myself to so much as dream of sullying the robes of the esteemed 5.7+? That's right, "+." Old Skool ratings. I mean, old skool, that's like, impossible type gradings, I know, but my buddy Art (owner of many a fine, I think the term is, "whip" [sp?] at that grade) says he thinks I've got what it takes. So, what drugs do I need to take, what type of pork do I need to eat, and how tight do my shoes/and or shorts need to be before I can expect to step on the hands of my elders? I gotta be honest. I want to f--k those dudes up, teh n00b, like, really rub their vein-popped noses in my hardman excrement and finally put their cries of "hexes," "three-point anchor," and "safety" to rest. What does a guy need to do? Yours in sweet, sweet sendage, Zeke
Some of you may be wondering what I've been doing since Aug 3, 2007, 4:15 PM when I last posted...and the answer is...staring at THAT monstrosity up there in slack-jawed horror. You know how you sometimes get a righteous brain-freeze after your third or fourth 64oz TurboSlurpee? You wake up on the floor in a puddle of green slush and you've totally misplaced your pants and...ok, soooo...maybe you don't know...but it was kinda like that.
But, getting back to your question. My sugesstion to you is...don't change a thing. I think you've inadvertently stumbled onto the New Dopeness in climbing, broham. And that is...sucking. Failing. Getting broken on the Proj. Unfinished business, yo. Confused? Let me explain...
It's pretty much acknowledged that nobody watches more climbing movies than me, reads more pro blogs and articles and...I shamefully admit this...furtively follows more climbers with partial chalk sponsorships around hoping to osmosize some subliminal steeze to make me better, stronger or...ermmm...chalkier. Given that level of rabid hero-worship, even I am getting kinda tired of hearing about those 112lb freak-jobs in Colorado second-try gang-sending each other's V15 testpieces and doing their pre-Algebra homework between burns. Where's the fun in that, I ask you? Real climbing is the process, not the result. Real climbing is about throwing a world-class wobbler after your 398th attempt at the second move thrutch comes up a couple of...ahem, feet...short. Real climbing is holding your partners hostage at the base of a V3- proj for six hours waiting for the perfect temps for that crucial jug stick. Real climbing is spending those six hours communing with your Power Animal in your Spirit Cave, obsessively re-spit shining your shoes and trying desperately to pee out your gall bladder to lose the unnecessary 2oz of weight.
Dave Graham once famously said that his climbing style was "Get S--t done", but these days it's often far more fascinating watching someone trying to get something done and failing at it. The best part of Dosage I is Sharma working and working and working on Realization...then finally sending it. I've already got tickets for King Lines because I want to see the best climber in the world get his ass kicked by Mutant Message. If I wanted to see someone send it in two goes...I'd move to Colorado or something.
Allez. Do they have TurboSlurpees in Boulder? Homard.
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oldsalt
Sep 1, 2007, 2:08 PM
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subtle wrote: But, getting back to your question. My sugesstion to you is...don't change a thing. I think you've inadvertently stumbled onto the New Dopeness in climbing, broham. And that is...sucking. Failing. Getting broken on the Proj. Unfinished business, yo.... Real climbing is the process, not the result. Real climbing is about throwing a world-class wobbler after your 398th attempt at the second move thrutch comes up a couple of...ahem, feet...short. Real climbing is holding your partners hostage at the base of a V3- proj for six hours waiting for the perfect temps for that crucial jug stick. Real climbing is spending those six hours communing with your Power Animal in your Spirit Cave, obsessively re-spit shining your shoes and trying desperately to pee out your gall bladder to lose the unnecessary 2oz of weight.
Word!
Philosophy of Life in a nutshell. I admit it, I am bored to agony by most climbing videos. The most memorable one is the group of stars touring Aussie land and working a boulder problem for about three weeks. When the Send arrived, I was in tears.
I can identify with the frustration, the hope, and then the triumph of mastering the 5.6 crux on an otherwise 5.4 route. It's OK to admit this on rc.com, I am placing gear on these routes.
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Johnny_Fang
Oct 18, 2007, 5:01 AM
Post #915 of 977
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Oh, subtle... we hardly noob ya... where is the best feature of rc.com? Ask the noob, I miss you more than ham sammiches at the base of a sick 5.14d.
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subtle
Oct 20, 2007, 1:08 AM
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Johnny_Fang wrote: where is the best feature of rc.com?
I honestly can't tell if this is an actual question or not. I mean, it's got a question mark and all...that's usually a good clue...so I guess I'll pretend it is. We've been a little short on queries around these parts, and beggars can't be choosers. Johnny_Fang, come on down, you're the next contestant on...Ask The NOOB!
I don't know if it's the best feature or not, but far and away the scariest feature of rc.com is that people actually do read this stuff. People from all over the place. People with different language skills and...ahhh...radically different sensitivites to American humor. You think a run-out 5.12c freaks you out, bro? Try getting a PM from Mirko from Bratslavia at 4:33am that goes a little something like this:
MirkoFromBratslavia wrote: "Homard to you! I am reading your Wizard of Trad advices, and am thinking cat was bad belayer to take you off without verbal command? Yes? Mine would do not such thing. Allez allez! Ham sandwich!"
Ahhhh...are we really arguing the finer points of feline/human belay interaction...please tell me we aren't, because I know one of us is kidding...and one of us is about to take a whipper with an apparently very attentive short-haired Siamese at the other end of the floss. On a positive note, at least the cat will have eight more lives...it can come back as a boulderer.
You got my spot, Tabby? Remember, spoons not forks...and claws in.
Allez. What kind of a middle name is _ anyway? Homard.
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knieveltech
Oct 20, 2007, 1:50 AM
Post #917 of 977
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OMFG the Noob is back in business! Not a moment too soon, I need help! Great Noob, you've got to help! One of the guys in my crew tried to pull my noob card the other day. I um...onsighted one of the orange routes at the gym and now he's saying I'm not a n00b anymore. So, what can I do to prove my continued noobishness (other than accidentally punching myself in the nads while greasing off the giant purple jug by the water cooler? That sounds painful, and I'm not sure about the timing). Help me Noobie Wan, you're my only hope!
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hiyapokey
Oct 22, 2007, 10:58 PM
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After learning enough in two years to start sending some sick V0's, I have realized that the gym can no longer contain me. I went out to the real rock and ended up just walking around aimlessly while looking at my Dr. Topo guide book. It looked like there were some sick problems, but they were clearly not named or rated. My question to you NOOB is this: Is it uncool to make up your own bouldering problem?
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epoch
Moderator
Oct 22, 2007, 11:04 PM
Post #919 of 977
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Mr Noob,
Is it socially acceptable to substitute a tortilla for bread in my ham samich? I ask only because I'm being ridiculed by my partner for having too many carbs on my rack.
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subtle
Oct 30, 2007, 2:28 AM
Post #920 of 977
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epoch wrote: Is it socially acceptable to substitute a tortilla for bread in my ham samich? I ask only because I'm being ridiculed by my partner for having too many carbs on my rack.
The short answer is, yes...but since I get paid by the word, it's not yes...it's the three paragraphs that follow. Get your read on, broham.
There are always constraints when racking up. Normally, things like weight, experience with the gear in question and the demands of the route would take precedence. The new dopeness, however, is light-and-fast low-carb Alpine Atkins climbing, where avoiding unsightly bloating and water retention for the sponsor pleasing product placement shot is...if anything...more important than actually hiking the particular piece of choss you are currently bivvying under. I mean, if people wanted to buy shoes worn by sweaty bloated-up sausage climbers, you'd all be wearing 5.10 Ask The NOOBs. Word, yo! They only come in mismatched sets, so everybody has to send all the time. Dig it.
There is one iron-clad food substitution rule, however...it can't cost more...ever. Nobody ever became core by shopping at Whole Foods. Carelessly flashing some aged Gruyere on a crisp batard isn't going to impress the guide from the Hueco Rock Ranch, who is eating a tuna and dirt sandwich...maybe it's a casserole...it could be either, really. Anyway, after you finish flailing on Dragonfly he's going to campus Full Service, then steal your sandwich...both figuratively and literally eating your lunch. Ironic, no?
So, in conclusion, tortilla substitution is fine. Day old tortillas are better, and bulk-purchased two-week old flatbreads that you have to fold like origami are best of all. My sitting crane is particularly tasty.
Allez. Guard your lunch around anyone who sends V10 or harder. Homard.
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shanz
Oct 30, 2007, 12:42 PM
Post #921 of 977
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My cat pissed on my guidebook is it still safe to use it - i hear that the acid in urine can be unsafe -- crap gotta go hes eating my 3 day old ham sammich i was saving for this weekends climbing trip
BAD KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!
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philbox
Moderator
Oct 31, 2007, 4:09 AM
Post #922 of 977
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Yo NOOB, glad to see you are still on the job. Also glad to see you are still charging by the word. Happy to see that the rates haven't gone up any either.
This thread should be bookmarked by every NOOB climber who enters this domain. Classic words of wisdomness.
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subtle
Nov 1, 2007, 12:12 AM
Post #923 of 977
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hiyapokey wrote: After learning enough in two years to start sending some sick V0's, I have realized that the gym can no longer contain me. I went out to the real rock and ended up just walking around aimlessly while looking at my Dr. Topo guide book. It looked like there were some sick problems, but they were clearly not named or rated. My question to you NOOB is this: Is it uncool to make up your own bouldering problem?
Making up your own problems is really much more of an art than a science. Fortunately for you, I'm pretty much the Michaelangelo of the jug-haul VB+...so I can totally give you the down-low. Bust out your prAna beret and get your knowledge on, brosef.
All good problems spring from a deep, almost spiritual source of inspiration...that rad double-dyno in the gym with the blue and white tape, for example. When you return from your problematic Vision Quest, go find yourself a nice boulder that sort of looks like the sort of thing you'd typically see indoors...preferably near the parking lot, sitting on a blue foam mat and adjacent to the soda machine. Bonus points if there's some Tool playing somewhere in the background. Now that you have your Muse and your canvas, it's time to paint your masterpiece of movement. Humming a bit of Forty Six & 2, bear-hug the biggest jug you can find, haul yourself off the ground and proceed to hurl yourself in every direction until you manage to latch something that doesn't completely tear your shoulder out of the socket. If it does tear your shoulder out of the socket, it's probably a King Line, and you should call Josh Lowell immediately.
Now that you have linked your proj to the second move, the rest is pretty much a formality. You'll need to come up with a name that accurately encapsulates the epic physical and mental challenges you overcame during your spiritual journey with nature...Near The Parking Lot Rad Gym Dyno-Esque Shoulder Killa seems about right, no? Then you must assign a grade...you can't enter it into your 8a.nu scorecard if you don't, natch. Consider carefully other problems you've done the first move of, the style of the first move, and the impact of ambient weather conditions on the first move. Then add two grades and call your sponsor with the good news. Someone's getting some free chalk..score!
Oh, eventually you might want to send the rig...at some point. Maybe.
Allez. I've never finished a problem I've set...ever. Homard.
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gt29905
Dec 2, 2007, 11:56 PM
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Dear NooB,
So I guess buying aliens is the new rebellious cheap thrill in the climbing world, like soloing if you have kids, or climbing on access restricted land. If I want to buy into the whole hardman scene I guess all I’ve got to do is buy a rack of CCH tinsel toys and bingo, I’m in. Sweet…all those elusive crag hotties will melt when I walk by with a full set of spring loaded death swinging on my sling.
What do you think? It’s almost too good to be true. Will my plan work or will I zipper down my next 5.5 proj and end up a quadriplegic sucking up baby food in Mom and Dads’ basement?
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knieveltech
Dec 3, 2007, 1:13 AM
Post #925 of 977
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gt29905 wrote: Dear NooB, So I guess buying aliens is the new rebellious cheap thrill in the climbing world, like soloing if you have kids, or climbing on access restricted land. If I want to buy into the whole hardman scene I guess all I’ve got to do is buy a rack of CCH tinsel toys and bingo, I’m in. Sweet…all those elusive crag hotties will melt when I walk by with a full set of spring loaded death swinging on my sling. What do you think? It’s almost too good to be true. Will my plan work or will I zipper down my next 5.5 proj and end up a quadriplegic sucking up baby food in Mom and Dads’ basement?
We'll have to wait for the Noob to weigh in on this one to get the final say but I don't think your plan is going to work. Everyone knows that to be an NC hardman you have to have a couple pink tricams (both filed) and some Choinard hexes, all of which you leave in the trunk because it's dead weight on runout bolted slab.
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boymeetsrock
Dec 5, 2007, 9:58 PM
Post #926 of 977
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Dear Mr. N00b,
Lately there has been some discussion as to how "RC" various users are, and I have come to question not only my n00bieness, but also my RC.ness. Please! You must help me!
I have been lurking here for almost three years, but have a paltry 116 postes to show my allegiance. (**gasp** 0.1 ppd ?!?) And now I am asked by Curt-"Do some of you actually log off?"
 What is a hunt and peck, thumbs only n00b to do?  Am I good enough to lurk here? Or worse, am I good enough to post? (let us hope so) And, am I alowed to log off, or does that negate my existance? How about if I have to edit twice for spelling... Does that reduce my RC.ness?
Please o' n00biest of n00bs, affirm my e-existance!!
P.S. Where the hell have you been since October 31 @ 5:12pm?
Off belay.... Climb hi!
(This post was edited by boymeetsrock on Dec 5, 2007, 10:01 PM)
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subtle
Dec 7, 2007, 5:59 PM
Post #927 of 977
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Whoa! New questions...hmmm, where did I put my thinking cap...errr...beanie?
Allez. Answers shortly. Homard.
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boymeetsrock
Dec 7, 2007, 10:21 PM
Post #928 of 977
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OK You can put your bennie on. But don't spin the propeller too hard.... We need answers!!!
Go. How hi can you fly with a propeller bennie? Lobster.
(This post was edited by boymeetsrock on Dec 7, 2007, 10:21 PM)
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roquentin
Dec 9, 2007, 3:01 AM
Post #929 of 977
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Dear Noob,
I've been climbing indoors for a few months now, so I think I'm pretty experienced. I just sent my long-term project, the one with the yellow and blue tape, so I'm pretty sure I know what's going on.
My friend sent a gnarly overhanging V0 on his first try, but the problem is that he matched his left and right hands on the third jug. This other guy came over and said he was doing it wrong, because the right way to climb that route is to go left hand-right hand-left hand all the way to the top.
I tried to be deep about it, and I was like, "nah, man, as long as he sticks to the route and gets to the top, it's a legit send." I wasn't sure if that's true, though, because I saw that guy getting farther than me on the orange and purple problem. He seemed like an expert.
So, how can you tell the correct way to climb a boulder problem in a gym? What are the rules?
Thanks, bro!
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subtle
Dec 9, 2007, 11:23 PM
Post #930 of 977
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gt29905 wrote: Dear NooB, So I guess buying aliens is the new rebellious cheap thrill in the climbing world, like soloing if you have kids, or climbing on access restricted land. If I want to buy into the whole hardman scene I guess all I’ve got to do is buy a rack of CCH tinsel toys and bingo, I’m in. Sweet…all those elusive crag hotties will melt when I walk by with a full set of spring loaded death swinging on my sling. What do you think? It’s almost too good to be true. Will my plan work or will I zipper down my next 5.5 proj and end up a quadriplegic sucking up baby food in Mom and Dads’ basement?
Ahhh, I don't think this is going to work out for you, broham.
Remember that, up until The Time Of Manufacturing Defects, Aliens were probably the most coveted piece of climbing gear ever, and were worshipped with a creepy intensity usually reserved for Chris Sharma slo-mo dyno shots. The only Aliens you are going to get on short notice will be the sketchy ones with the dimple, dot, death's head moth or whatever giant warning sticker it was that you were supposed to be keeping an eye out for.
So, you basically plan to roll up to the crag with your rack full of shiny new allegedly-braised pre-shrapnel and voila, brace yourself for the babe wave, yes? NO! NO NO NO! What you need to brace yourself for is the tsunami of bandanna-wearing, overall-rocking, canned bean eating, 5.7- climbing, Y Chromosome having Trad Trolls...all of whom are going to want to examine, fondle, weigh, measure and x-ray your Aliens. Then the real fun will begin...the Lengthy Technical Debate...featuring a point/counterpoint format with round table panel discussion moderated by a guy named Dumpster Ed who, though not sleeping indoors since '74, can recite the tech specs of all commercial camming devices to within two thousands of an inch. Yeah...good times.
The reality...as anyone who's ever handled an Alien can tell you...is that they're so tiny that a rack full of them could easily get mistaken for your car keys. This could lead to an unintended double faux-pas in front of les hypothetical hotties, as you first attempt to start up The Lovemobile...aka, Mom's 1992 AstroVan...with a black/blue hybrid then, when you realize the mistake and try to remove it from the bomber ignition switch placement, inadvertently pull the head off because you have one of the ones that's made with pipe cleaners instead of...y'know, stuff that would not kill you.
Allez. Serious note, gear failure definately isn't funny. Be safe. Homard.
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knieveltech
Dec 20, 2007, 3:56 AM
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Almost time for the 3rd anniversary of Ask The Noob, big plans in the works?
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scm007
Dec 20, 2007, 6:53 AM
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Dear Noob,
I'm in the market for a career change, and your no-holds-barred lifestyle of ham sandwiches, chronic masturbation, and marathon Star Trek sessions sounds like exactly what I've been looking for.
So how exactly does one become a quazi faux rock homourologist with a minor in gettin' down? Regale us with the story (legend) of your ascent to rc.com stardom.
Yours,
Stephen
P.S. Could I have a signed headshot? Address it to Iceman, and sign it Maverick. Thanks.
(This post was edited by scm007 on Dec 20, 2007, 7:13 AM)
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subtle
Jan 7, 2008, 3:43 AM
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knieveltech wrote: Almost time for the 3rd anniversary of Ask The Noob, big plans in the works?
Well, I've mostly been focusing on finishing up Ask The NOOB - The Really, Really Final Director's Cut...a longer, more fluid version of the central narrative without the annoying voice over and with some added scenes that clear up the long-standing question of whether or not I am the prototype Nexus Seven Replicant as well as a Blade Runner...ummm...or not.
In other news, most of the Boston climbing team is prepping for a trip down to Hueco Tanks to try to clean up a few long-standing projects before someone discovers a fossilized tyrannosaurus skeleton, giant oil deposits...or, umm, both...below the start holds of See Spot Run. Fortunately, I've already fallen off the second move of all the V2- problems in the park, so my work is pretty much done there and I can focus on the green and white problem by the hangboard at the gym. That thing is ultra-mega classic, brosef.
Allez. I am way behind on my replies, I know. We Replicants are apparently tardy and humorless. Homard.
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devkrev
Aug 18, 2008, 3:20 PM
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This is the greatest thread ever.
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drfelatio
Aug 18, 2008, 4:12 PM
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Dear nOOb,
I am a ninja who enjoys rock climbing during my off-duty hours. I'm trying to put together my first rack. Can you recommend some gear that would maximize my climbing potential while simultaneously inflicting the most harm upon my enemies?
Sincerely,
Oroku Saki
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karlie
Aug 18, 2008, 4:54 PM
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This is a real-life-noob-story. I was in the Boston area last week and decided to duck into MetroRock for some climbage. Met some random guy who offered a belay and everything was going fine, but he kept refering to how I "cheated" a lot. Confused, and assuming he was being sarcastic, I ignored him. Finally, on some dihedral, I smeared my foot for balance while moving upwards, and he yells out: "YOU'RE CHEATING!" WTF? As he informed me, puting your foot on the wall at metrorock is "cheating." I laughed at this and told him I didn't think that was correct. His reply (obviously a lie) was that a route-setter had told him this. ? Noob? Kids these days, right? I think his name was Oroku Saki.
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drfelatio
Aug 18, 2008, 5:43 PM
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karlie wrote: This is a real-life-noob-story. I was in the Boston area last week and decided to duck into MetroRock for some climbage. Met some random guy who offered a belay and everything was going fine, but he kept refering to how I "cheated" a lot. Confused, and assuming he was being sarcastic, I ignored him. Finally, on some dihedral, I smeared my foot for balance while moving upwards, and he yells out: "YOU'RE CHEATING!" WTF? As he informed me, puting your foot on the wall at metrorock is "cheating." I laughed at this and told him I didn't think that was correct. His reply (obviously a lie) was that a route-setter had told him this. ? Noob? Kids these days, right? I think his name was Oroku Saki.
Couldn't have been. If you were cheating, Oroku Saki would have never stopped to explain himself. He would have just killed you where you stood.
(This post was edited by drfelatio on Aug 18, 2008, 5:44 PM)
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robbovius
Aug 18, 2008, 5:53 PM
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drfelatio wrote: karlie wrote: This is a real-life-noob-story. I was in the Boston area last week and decided to duck into MetroRock for some climbage. Met some random guy who offered a belay and everything was going fine, but he kept refering to how I "cheated" a lot. Confused, and assuming he was being sarcastic, I ignored him. Finally, on some dihedral, I smeared my foot for balance while moving upwards, and he yells out: "YOU'RE CHEATING!" WTF? As he informed me, puting your foot on the wall at metrorock is "cheating." I laughed at this and told him I didn't think that was correct. His reply (obviously a lie) was that a route-setter had told him this. ? Noob? Kids these days, right? I think his name was Oroku Saki. Couldn't have been. If you were cheating, Oroku Saki would have never stopped to explain himself. He would have just killed you where you stood.
really, not just your foot would have been smeared.
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drfelatio
Aug 18, 2008, 6:23 PM
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scm007 wrote: ...So how exactly does one become a quazi faux rock homourologist with a minor in gettin' down?
You go to med school for several years then practice "alternative" treatments with some of your male patients.
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boymeetsrock
Aug 18, 2008, 8:38 PM
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drfelatio wrote: scm007 wrote: ...So how exactly does one become a quazi faux rock homourologist with a minor in gettin' down? You go to med school for several years then practice "alternative" treatments with some of your male patients.
Trophy!!1
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oldsalt
Aug 18, 2008, 9:33 PM
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People, people...
It is a desecration of the greatest humor thread ever, to try to match wits without the presence of the Great Subtle.
Great Subtle? Jumbo Shrimp? Humungous Homard?
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Valarc
Aug 18, 2008, 9:50 PM
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Since we're sharing real-life noob stories, here's one of mine...
So it was decided that we would go do our first multi-pitch, some pissant 5.6 with hella exposure in Linville Gorge. Now, before I go any further, I should mention I am completely, utterly terrified of heights. That's the whole reason I got into climbing, to face my fears and all of that shit. So here I am with another noob leading this ridiculously exposed yet easy climb. We're at the belay for the last pitch, and I'm taking this lead, so my partner hands over the rack. I think I'm throwing it over my head, but in reality I only get it over one shoulder. I start leading up the pitch, and as I go to pull a cam off the rack, the whole thing goes tumbling down off my shoulder, plummeting into the abyss. There goes all of our gear, and I'm up here, clutching onto the rock for dear life, on lead, with no gear. Right then, my mom got scared and said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo homes to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabby "yo holmes smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.
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GeneralBenson
Aug 18, 2008, 9:56 PM
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robbovius wrote: drfelatio wrote: karlie wrote: This is a real-life-noob-story. I was in the Boston area last week and decided to duck into MetroRock for some climbage. Met some random guy who offered a belay and everything was going fine, but he kept refering to how I "cheated" a lot. Confused, and assuming he was being sarcastic, I ignored him. Finally, on some dihedral, I smeared my foot for balance while moving upwards, and he yells out: "YOU'RE CHEATING!" WTF? As he informed me, puting your foot on the wall at metrorock is "cheating." I laughed at this and told him I didn't think that was correct. His reply (obviously a lie) was that a route-setter had told him this. ? Noob? Kids these days, right? I think his name was Oroku Saki. Couldn't have been. If you were cheating, Oroku Saki would have never stopped to explain himself. He would have just killed you where you stood. really, not just your foot would have been smeared.
The last time a Ninja cauht me cheating a the gym he cut off both my ams, then used my arms to kill everyone else in the gym, then used my arms to campus 5.14, then called the police and had me and my arms arrested for mass murder and reckless campusing. So prison surgeons re-attached my arms, and one night in the dark, the ninja sneaks into my cell and helps me break out. I thought maybe he felt bad for overreacting. as soon as we clear the fence he turns around and cuts off my legs, the disappears as the guards close in. Serioualy, don't cheat near a ninja. He was easy on me.
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subtle
Aug 21, 2008, 8:06 PM
Post #944 of 977
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karlie wrote: As he informed me, puting your foot on the wall at metrorock is "cheating." I laughed at this and told him I didn't think that was correct. His reply (obviously a lie) was that a route-setter had told him this. ? Noob? Kids these days, right?
Ahhh, the route-setter told him this. Clearly. This, in case you were wondering, is the Metrorock equivalent of getting Keyser Sose's beta on the proj...nobody has ever seen him on it, of course, but he totally high steps into an iron-cross gastocling off the blue crimp, broham. It's siiiick. I've set at a number of gyms over the years, and I can't tell you how many times I've been told I was doing my own problems wrong. Granted, I was usually lying under the start holds crying...so I can't fault people for assuming I needed help.
Oh, as a side note, the kids these days spend most of their time trying to campus everything V10 and under...with varying degrees of sucess and...ummm, ankle-breakitude. Those $160 Solutions they all wear look mighty dope walking to the soda machine, though.
Allez. Remember...in the interests of keeping the thread compact and readable, you ask questions, I'll do the answers. Homard.
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flipnfall
Aug 21, 2008, 8:29 PM
Post #945 of 977
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Hmmm...
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aerili
Aug 21, 2008, 9:17 PM
Post #946 of 977
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Valarc wrote: Since we're sharing real-life noob stories, here's one of mine... So it was decided that we would go do our first multi-pitch, some pissant 5.6 with hella exposure in Linville Gorge. Now, before I go any further, I should mention I am completely, utterly terrified of heights. That's the whole reason I got into climbing, to face my fears and all of that shit. So here I am with another noob leading this ridiculously exposed yet easy climb. We're at the belay for the last pitch, and I'm taking this lead, so my partner hands over the rack. I think I'm throwing it over my head, but in reality I only get it over one shoulder. I start leading up the pitch, and as I go to pull a cam off the rack, the whole thing goes tumbling down off my shoulder, plummeting into the abyss. There goes all of our gear, and I'm up here, clutching onto the rock for dear life, on lead, with no gear. Right then, my mom got scared and said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo homes to Bel-Air!" I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabby "yo holmes smell ya later!" Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.
I don't care what "rules" subtle thinks he can maintain on this thread--this post is laugh-out-loudable!
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subtle
Aug 22, 2008, 1:49 PM
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drfelatio wrote: Dear nOOb, I am a ninja who enjoys rock climbing during my off-duty hours. I'm trying to put together my first rack. Can you recommend some gear that would maximize my climbing potential while simultaneously inflicting the most harm upon my enemies?
Ummm...your off-hours? What kind of world is this, when Ninjas clock out at the end of the day? What, do you peel off the split-toed tabi socks and the mask and head on down to the corner pub for some $2.00 PBR pitchers and a sketchy popcorn shrimp basket? Sheesh...
Anyhow, maximum rack lethality you wants, maximum rack lethality you gets. I assume that since...when you're not out of the dojo on a personal day, that is...you're mostly projecting un-bolted castle and fortress lines, your ideal rack is probably fairly skewed toward aid, ice and trad gear. You're going to want to start with a pair of Quark Ergo ice tools, the editor's choice for maximum grip positions and around-the-corner stab-ability. I'd suggest leashless...so you can throw them in anger, just like a real ice climber. A good pair of front point crampons with heel spurs would also be useful, just remember to take them off before you go inside or you will thrash your tatami mats.
Moving on to aid gear...sheesh...what isn't a weapon there? Sharpened pitons, RURPs, beaks, hooks, hammers with spikes on them and integral garrote wires...and this is all stuff you can buy right off the shelf. I mean, James Bond has to hire people to come up with this crap, and you can just swing by EMS and head right out for an evening of mayhem and skullduggery.
So, that's the basics. To stand out from the crowd at the bar, I'd recommend maybe a nice snow picket sword or a spear made out of a boulderer's collapsable painter pole and a filed-down squid. You might want to grab a couple of lbs of chalk, too...I've disappeared into a cloud of it many a time.
Allez. How's the Ninja union dental plan? Homard.
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patmay81
Aug 22, 2008, 11:32 PM
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not to be offering advice to his grand n00bness, but isnt a bd #10 hex supposed to be on the list of deadliest gear? those things make better clubs than a club, especially if slung long.
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abe_ascends
Aug 23, 2008, 4:17 PM
Post #949 of 977
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Dear Dr. Piton,
I have been in the climbing scene for quite a while now, and just sent my long-time 5.3 top-rope proj at the gym. I am feeling as strong as an ox, so I've decided to complete my long-time goal of aiding the Nose. I think its on El Cap. Anyhow, I have a couple questions about technique, since I've never aided before (though I hear its really easy since you spend the whole trip climbing some sort of webbing ladder dealies).
First, how long should those ladder thingers be? I'm thinking of just getting one really long one and hanging it from the summit to the ground. That way I don't need to carry lots of excess gear, or need to set up some sort of hauling system. If I can't find a really long webbing ladder, I'm thinking of just getting a whole lot of quickdraws and chaining them together. I heard some really experienced hardman on this site talking about chaining draws, and he sounded like he's been climbing way longer than me, so I know its a good idea.
Second, I hear that sex on a portaledge is amazing and that everyone HAS to try it on their first big wall. I really really want to do this, cuz B.O. isn't a big deal to me. I kind of dig partners who are rather "gamey." One problem though. My partner is a dude. So I'm wondering how I can ditch my partner somewhere on the wall to hook up with some hotties? You think maybe I'll find some around the King Swing? Sounds like a happening place to meet the ladies. As far as sex and protection goes, I figure we'll unharness and just tie the rope around an ankle, so that if we fall off the portaledge the rope will catch us. I can't imagine any dangerous or embarassing scenarios that could come of that. My plan sounds full proof, but I want to run it by you to make sure, as I know you are always one to dole out useful and relevant information. If you weren't, you wouldn't be an advice columnist! So, I humbly wait your reply. Thanks!
p.s.- Sorry if I posted this message in the wrong place, I still haven't figured out the new site design yet!
(This post was edited by abe_ascends on Aug 23, 2008, 4:21 PM)
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sungam
Aug 23, 2008, 5:40 PM
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who are you asking?
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ratmnerd
Sep 24, 2008, 5:17 AM
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Dear n00b,
I see you haven't posted in while. In over a month, in fact. Then I looked on your profile and saw you on an uber-rad proj, OUTSIDE. Have you developed dope steezos and left the gym, your mother's house, and gone on a road trip through the country, leaving us to wallow in our own uselessness?
Or are the rumours true? I've heard you had a fatal stroke at the gym one day, after being spat off the one with the green tape for the fifteenth time (despite downing 15 Red Bulls, being topless, wearing your lucky beanie and a V10 on your left foot and electrical tape wrapped around the right foot, sticky side out (the better to friction that filthy footjug with in the third move); and having elective surgery to remove your pancreas, liver and one kidney to lose as much weight as possible).
O n00b, if you are still alive, please help me with my climbing conundrum. I've taken to climbing buildings recently, as there are no crags near my house, but a lot of buildings made out of basalt block. Anyway, I've been building my strength and now my proj is the south side of the local church. It's all crimpy and shit, and really run-out, but with a really soft landing. My question is should I camp out halfway up the proj on a portaledge and treat it as a trad route, or at the base on a crashpad and treat it as a boulder proj? I'm too worried to start it until I hear from you, so please hurriedly reply!
Go. Oh, hello vicar. Lovely day isn't it? Lobster.
(This post was edited by ratmnerd on Sep 24, 2008, 5:26 AM)
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Climbsurfski
Sep 26, 2008, 4:26 AM
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Dear NOOB,
Hopefully you are still around, I have a rather large delimma (deli-mma... ham sandwich crisis? hrmmm...)
I touched a woman's breast the other day, and I enjoyed it...more than I enjoy grabbing the fresh plastic of my uber new 5.8+ two pitch project (ok, its one pitch....but if I say two pitch that makes me TWICE THE BADASS, right?). Anyways, I freaked. The next day, I found I had lost interest in my route (this had NOTHING to do with that punk high schooler who freed it and called me bad things....). Immediately,I got money from my parents to buy the latest Prana gear. I even got a second set of Sportiva Venoms-now I have one for day climbing and one for night. This still didn't help my lack of interest in climbing. Now, all I want to do is hang out with girls.....Whats wrong with me!?!?
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thatguyat99
Sep 26, 2008, 3:49 PM
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i touched a woman's breast once...
oh wait that was my climbing partner...not a woman. oops...
what is this "woman" thing?
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subtle
Sep 30, 2008, 1:18 AM
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Where have I been? What have I been doing? Well, since you asked...I just got back today from the Dabbing Across Boulder 2008 World Tour. What!?! Yea-yah!
For those that have never been, Boulder was most succinctly described by my friend Jesse as six square miles surrounded by reality. Where else can you visit the REI garage sale and see a droodlocked Trustafarian extoll the merits of locally-grown free-trade cruelty-free organic produce as the only enlightened sustainable choice then trample three non-core CU co-eds in a mad rush for a pair of slightly blown out Moccasyms at the pre-pimped shoe table. Within three hours of arriving I was in a garage watching friends of friends operate a proto-steampunk Gutenberg press cider mill made out of a garbage disposal, a car jack and possibly some jungle gym parts while feral women roamed the streets twirling flaming poi-dance chains and exchanging cake recipes.
Oh, and there's some climbing there, too...y'know...in case you wondered.
Having long ago exhausted the potential of flailing on the first moves of V1- problems in the New England area, it was only logical to road trip to some of the premiere bouldering destinations in the country and get totally shut down there, too. After wearing out several crash pads in Bishop and Hueco Tanks, it was time to show the folks in Colorado what time it is, ya heard. Apparently, the clock struck weaksauce at exactly 3:45pm Saturday when, in the midst of prime temps, a good psyche and excellent friction...ummm...I couldn't wedge myself under the start holds of my proj du-jour. Not cool. Much contortionistic scrunchery in the name of "beta refinement" followed, all completely futile yet strangely hilarious to my old climbing partner Lee who was there to photo document my epic liftoff from terra firma. Then, just when I thought things couldn't get any more humiliating without some sort of catastrophic pants malfunction, the woman sitting behind me waiting to warm up on my sit-start nightmare tells me that this problem was put up by trad climbers. Trad climbers. So, not only am I probably too weak to drag my ass off the ground on something that was FA'ed by a prehistoric van dweller who likely sent in overalls while drinking a warm beer...I'm also too fat to get to the holds. Holy crap, is it too late to join the math team? I hear Magic - The Gathering is pretty cool...
After an introspective evening of deep contemplation, some if which you will see in soft focus close-up shots in my upcoming DVD NOOB LINES, I elected to abandon my grade-chasing competetive mentality and instead focus on celebrating the beauty and purity of movement while climbing in an undeveloped secret area where there were no names and no grades...just pure movement. Cue inspiring new age music and slow fade into birds taking off at sunset.
So, the next day, after hiking in random directions for three hours, Lee and I found ourselves under a funky arete introspectively contemplating wether it looked V2+ or V3-. We finally settled on V2++/V3--, then immediately updated our online scorecards and blogs to reflect Lee's send and my first move near-success...I also friended the boulder on Facebook. It has yet to friend me back, I notice. It's probably been busy or something...
Allez. I'll get to work on some answers soon, have to finish this Chess Team application. Homard.
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sungam
Sep 30, 2008, 1:35 AM
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OMG, NOOB! It's so good to have you back, brah!
I was gettin' all worried that maybe you turned all "pro" and shizz on us, man, or maybe even... start tradclimbing. The idea of you wearing normal sized climbing shoes, with socks just broke my heart.
When I saw you had replied to this thread, I came a little.
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thatguyat99
Sep 30, 2008, 7:11 PM
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Dear NOOB,
I sent my 1st 3rd class scramble the other day.
How exhilarating! The guide book I feel was way off on this one. "30-45 minutes of moderate 3rd class"...hmm.
Wow...I was running out of pro in the first 20 minutes. There were some serious runouts of like 5 or 6 feet. I don't know why there's no R or X rating on this climb.
After 5 1/2 hours of the most tedious route finding I've ever come across, I topped out. Man, the other "climbers" on the route sure took a lot more risks than I did...and they weren't all very nice when they kept passing my GF and I. They were all climbing hands free in alot of spots. Is this a new style?
I'm glad I finally sent this climb. It has been on my tick list for years.
One big problem with the climb though...My GF got increasingly angry with me. She constantly challenged my method of pro placement and wanted to know why we weren't moving faster. She even had the nerve to suggest that we unrope and climb like the other "climbers". I was appalled. Well, at the top, she really got angry at me. She decided to downclimb with these 3 college guys instead of rap the route. I pleaded with her not to put herself in so much danger but she left with them. When I finally reached the bottom and hiked the .2 miles to the car she was no where to be found. There was however a note on my windshield that said "Get lost. I never want to speak to you again. I got a ride with the college guys to a 5 keg topless toga party. See YA!"
My big question is, do you think it was worth it to piss off my girlfriend to send the climb of my dreams? And also, do you think we have a chance of getting back together even though she won't return my calls and deleted me from her Facebook page?
Thanks NOOB!
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wishiwasamonkey
Oct 1, 2008, 3:36 PM
Post #957 of 977
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Hey NOOB,
Due to a shoulder injury I haven't been able to climb lately. Could you lend any advice on how to pass the hours without climbing? That is also, without rewatching king lines, return2sender, or rereading this thread, as those are getting kind of stale.
thanks
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bolind
Oct 31, 2008, 7:05 PM
Post #958 of 977
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Dear NOOB
It is so good to have you back! Especially since I have a question:
Recently, my climbing partner and I went (sport)climbing on this 5.7 slab near Bishop. While cleaning the route for quickdraws, my buddy accidentally dropped a draw. We discarded the biners in fear of micro-cracks, but recycled the sling itself. Was this the correct decision? REI's BD sale is over, and biners are expensive...
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knieveltech
Oct 31, 2008, 7:18 PM
Post #959 of 977
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Registered: Dec 2, 2006
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Dear NOOB,
Sharma gave a slideshow in town a couple of days ago. I ended up missing the show because I was running way late, but anyway on my way into the venue I ran into him on the sidewalk. I totally panicked and couldn't think of anything to say so I just mumbled "what up" and walked inside. My question is, how does one approach a mega-sponsored climber without looking like you're trying to dick-ride?
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subtle
Nov 11, 2008, 2:14 AM
Post #960 of 977
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knieveltech wrote: Sharma gave a slideshow in town a couple of days ago. I ended up missing the show because I was running way late, but anyway on my way into the venue I ran into him on the sidewalk. I totally panicked and couldn't think of anything to say so I just mumbled "what up" and walked inside. My question is, how does one approach a mega-sponsored climber without looking like you're trying to dick-ride?
For those of you who have not had the pleasure, meeting Chris Sharma at a climbing industry function is pretty much exactly like shaking hands with a Yeti. Seriously. First off, he's a lot bigger than everyone else in the crowd...though this really shouldn't be surprising, since 'the crowd' is composed of Red Bull huffing anorexic boulderers starving themselves to drop just one more lb so they can cruuuuuush. He's absurdly polite, and seems to be genuinely interested in talking to other climbers about their 5.10b top-rope projects at the local quarry...but as you watch him interact with the mob of frothing sycophants who swore two seconds ago they didn't think he was that cool, you can't help but look at him and wonder what the hell is he doing here?!? He just seems so massively out of place. I mean, shouldn't he be in Bali, chatting up a lithe beach beauty sunning herself under his V15 proj? Isn't there a fierce feature in some breakaway baltic state that's just crying out to be thrutched while the BigUp crew rolls the HD SteadiCams? Are there no 786ft sport lines with nineteen V13 cruxes left to pimp? Why are you at the mall, Chris? Why?!?
Allez. Could be worse, I guess...he could be at the gym. Homard.
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angry
Nov 14, 2008, 9:17 PM
Post #961 of 977
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Homard?
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angry
Nov 14, 2008, 9:33 PM
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allez
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sungam
Nov 14, 2008, 10:25 PM
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yes.
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highmountain
Nov 16, 2008, 10:28 PM
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Dear NOOB,
I'm a trad climber and I know I'm supposed to eat ham sammichs to climb harder BUT I'm a vegetarian. Is there an alternative to ham or do I subsist on only beer now?
p.s. any thoughts on eating Nutella?
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knieveltech
Nov 16, 2008, 10:51 PM
Post #965 of 977
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highmountain wrote: Dear NOOB, I'm a trad climber and I know I'm supposed to eat ham sammichs to climb harder BUT I'm a vegetarian. Is there an alternative to ham or do I subsist on only beer now? p.s. any thoughts on eating Nutella?
Dude, hammies where covered like 20 pages ago.
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sungam
Nov 17, 2008, 1:15 AM
Post #966 of 977
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knieveltech wrote: highmountain wrote: Dear NOOB, I'm a trad climber and I know I'm supposed to eat ham sammichs to climb harder BUT I'm a vegetarian. Is there an alternative to ham or do I subsist on only beer now? p.s. any thoughts on eating Nutella? Dude, hammies where covered like 20 pages ago.
No doubt subtle would just say how silly u r for not eating the meat.
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hosh
Nov 17, 2008, 3:35 AM
Post #967 of 977
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Registered: Dec 15, 2003
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highmountain wrote: Dear NOOB, I'm a trad climber and I know I'm supposed to eat ham sammichs to climb harder BUT I'm a vegetarian. Is there an alternative to ham or do I subsist on only beer now? p.s. any thoughts on eating Nutella?
Since we all know that Ham and Bacon are the same thing, you should be covered eating the ham.
hosh.
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codral
Jul 29, 2010, 1:01 PM
Post #968 of 977
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Yeh so i was just reading this topic and it took me about half a page before i realised this thread was taking the piss haha, fair almost posted a serious question in here ay
edit: oh sick and i just revived a thread from like 2 years ago, hah.
(This post was edited by codral on Jul 29, 2010, 1:03 PM)
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spikeddem
Jul 29, 2010, 5:17 PM
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For being so well built up in another thread that's currently active...this thread sure sucked.
How many times can three jokes be repeated in 40 pages?
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cruxstacean
Jul 29, 2010, 5:32 PM
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39 pages, but yeah
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oldsalt
Jul 29, 2010, 9:27 PM
Post #971 of 977
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spikeddem wrote: For being so well built up in another thread that's currently active...this thread sure sucked. How many times can three jokes be repeated in 40 pages?
It filled a need at the time. For example, everyone who did their due diligence reading "Ask the Noob" knows to bring a ham sammy if they go tradding. It got repetitive and then overposted by too many would be Noobs. I don't mean comedians who were Noobs, but Noobs who thought they were comedians.
Subtle is my hero.
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philbox
Moderator
Jul 30, 2010, 1:02 AM
Post #972 of 977
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Registered: Jun 27, 2002
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Bring back subtle and Ask The Noob.
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jakedatc
Jul 30, 2010, 1:08 AM
Post #973 of 977
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Registered: Mar 12, 2003
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philbox wrote: Bring back subtle and Ask The Noob.
don't hold your breath. he'll probably laugh when i tell him this got bumped.
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philbox
Moderator
Jul 30, 2010, 2:22 AM
Post #974 of 977
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jakedatc wrote: philbox wrote: Bring back subtle and Ask The Noob. don't hold your breath. he'll probably laugh when i tell him this got bumped.
Make sure you also tell him that he is remembered on rc.knob with a lot of fond memories.
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majid_sabet
Jul 30, 2010, 2:28 AM
Post #975 of 977
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Registered: Dec 13, 2002
Posts: 8390
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Hey USNAVY
what is the best way to drill a 3 " hole with a non SDS bit ?
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bill413
Jul 30, 2010, 11:21 PM
Post #977 of 977
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Registered: Oct 19, 2004
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philbox wrote: jakedatc wrote: philbox wrote: Bring back subtle and Ask The Noob. don't hold your breath. he'll probably laugh when i tell him this got bumped. Make sure you also tell him that he is remembered on rc.knob with a lot of fond memories.
Very true.
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